End of Days
January 26th, 2010
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. And seeing how we are nearing the end of Schwarzenegger Month...
Plays 'Put the cookie down' remix
NC: ... very thankfully. I was trying to think of what's the best film to end on. I mean Arnold's already fought savages, terrorists and the horrifying threat of pregnancy. What else is there left to fight? ... THE DEVIL.
Footage: End of Days title card and clips
NC (voiceover): Yes, in 1999, some numb-nut figured it was time for Schwarzenegger and the horned one himself to duke it out in End of Days. Is it as awesome as it sounds? Err... no, but it is as lame as it sounds and isn't that enough reason to celebrate?
NC: I'm going to lie to you and say: yes, yes it is. So, let's see how the Lord of Darkness competes with the Lord of Austrians in End of Days.
Footage: opening clip
NC (v/o): So it starts out in the most horrible and terrifying year this film can conjure up...
Footage: Subtitle: Vatican City, Rome, 1979
NC (v/o): The Carter years! AHH!
Footage: Priest goes to the Pope, talking about the "Eye of God"
NC (v/o): Yes, before the Church had to worry about The Da Vinci Code being overrated, they were concerned about "The Eye of God", which is a sign indicating that the mother of the Anti-Christ will be born. And wouldn't you know it? She is! Right in New York.
Footage: Doctor: "A beautiful baby girl."
NC (v/o): But the baby is taken out of the mother's hands for a bit so that... this can be performed.
Footage: Doctor lays down the baby, cuts open a snake and makes the baby drink its blood.
NC: I guess slapping the baby is no longer a practice.
NC (v/o): We then cut to twenty years later on the verge of the new year, as the Devil himself decides to return to Earth. How does he choose to do this? By blowing up some sewers, flying around as an invisible gargoyle and possessing the not-Keyser Söze from Usual Suspects.
Footage shows all of the above happening as the Devil, played by Gabriel Byrne, goes up to a random woman and makes out with her.
Her husband: What the hell are yo-
The Devil looks over and glares at him and he backs down.
NC: (v/o as the husband) Whoa, Gabriel Byrne, I-I'm sorry. Continue groping my wife. Hey, everybody, Gabriel Byrne is groping my wife! This is the happiest day of my l-
The Devil walks out of the building as it explodes.
NC (v/o): So, yeah. This isn't the Devil that tries to feed the subtle sadness or builds anger in the heart of men. No, this is a Devil who likes to blow shit up and turn into monsters that go, "blehblehblehblehbleh!"
NC: Tsh, where's Arnold Schwarzenegger when you need h--Oh, wait.
Shows the introduction to Schwarzenegger's character.
NC (v/o): He plays the typical, depressed ex-cop as you always see them. Messy room: check. Blind closed: check. Pointing a gun at his head but too afraid to pull the trigger: check.
NC: Don't any depressed cops eat ice-cream?
NC (v/o): But Kevin Pollak comes in dressed as Kevin Pollak as he tries to lighten Arnold's spirits.
Footage, as Arnold makes a smoothie filled with... everything.
Arnold: So, what's the day?
Arnold: Anyone special?
Kevin: Nah, just some Wall Street scumbag.
Arnold: Why the hell does he need all this protection? Personally, I like scumbags.
NC: Big deal. Who hasn't had a Coffee-Beer-Peptobismal-Chinese-Food-and-Pizza slurpie? Or as I like to call it: cbpcfps.
NC (v/o): So it turns out Schwarzenegger and Pollak are bodyguards protecting, oddly enough, THE DEVIL. I guess the Lord of Darkness is afraid somebody might throw an egg at him or something. And Lord knows Arnold knows a lot about fighting those off.
Footage shows Arnold getting hit by an egg.
Film footage: sniper shoots at Gabriel Byrne.
NC (v/o): But as luck would have it, somebody is trying to take him out as Arnold and Pollak chase him down.
Footage: a helicopter comes down to the street.
NC (v/o as Pollak): Hey, Arnold, say it.
NC (v/o as Arnold): No.
NC (v/o Pollak): Come on! Just say it.
NC (v/o Arnold): No.
NC (v/o Pollak): I'll pay you fifty bucks if you say it.
NC (v/o Arnold): *sigh* Get to the choppa.
NC (v/o Pollak): Haha! You just made me splooge.
Footage: as the helicopter rises the sniper on the roof shoots at the passengers. Schwarzenegger clips himself onto a safety rope attached to the inside of the helicopter and dangles down as the helicopter follows the fleeing sniper.
NC (v/o): (laughs) We're in the Arnold Schwarzenegger puppet show. (sings as Schwarzenegger) I got no strings to hold me down, to make me fret or make me frown. I have strings, but now I'm free. There are no strings on meee!
Footage: Arnold grabs the sniper as they jump from a skyscraper and the weight causes the knot to become loose and they slowly fall due to the safety clip. As they fall the sniper (revealed to be an old man) tries to shoot Arnold but misses as Arnold fights him for the gun.
NC (v/o): Ah, come on! You can jump out of a plane and land faster than these guys are!
Footage: Arnold looses his grip on the sniper as the rope stops him from falling further and the sniper falls through a glass roof and smashes a newspaper stand below him. He gets up and runs away.
NC (v/o): Oh, yeah, he's fine! He's fine. Just fell several stories, crashed through a glass wall and landed on a newspaper stand. Just walk it off, walk it off.
Footage: The sniper limbs away as Arnold lowers himself down and chases after him into a subway tunnel, the man is standing on the tracks as they talk.
NC (v/o): So he chases him into a train tunnel where he starts shouting some crazy nonsense.
Sniper: The dark angel is loose from his prison!
Arnold: Get down on the ground!
Sniper: A thousand years has ended! You don't know what you've done!
Arnold shoots the man and he falls to the ground. Arnold searches the body and finds he's wearing a clerical collar.
NC (v/o): Whoa, the bum was a priest? Talk about the faith going to your head. I mean, how many bum-priests are there?
Latin choir sings.
Chester E. Bum: OH, MY GOD! (gibberish that sounds Latin) humanus (possibly)...dominus (means: Christ the Lord) The Lord works in mysterious ways and shall always grant you CHANGE! YOU GOT CHANGE?! Ah, come on!
Footage: the police and ambulance services are at the scene and take the bum/priest/sniper away. A police woman is questioning Arnold.
NC (v/o): So as they take him away, they discover something very interesting about him.
Policewoman: You said here the guy spoke to you.
Arnold: Yeah, so what?
Policewoman: The guy doesn't have a tongue.
NC: (as Arnold) Neither do I, but that doesn't stop me from speaking! GARHLALALALALA!
Footage: Arnold and Pollak search the bum's house in a rundown area of the city.
NC (v/o): So to get some answers, they take a look at where the bum lives.
The house is dirty, wooden crosses all over the walls, they see his clerical outfit. They see red crosses painted over walls and doors.
NC (v/o): Looks like Mel Gibson's house.
Pollak: I could eat.
Pollak opens the fridge and we see a close up of a black cat, meowing loudly at the camera. Pollak jumps away in shock. The cat hisses.
NC: CAAATTTTT! (waving his arms in the air)
The cat jumps out of the fridge as Pollak collects himself.
NC (v/o): By God, that was the scariest... non-scary thing I've ever seen!
Arnold: This guy is no ordinary hitman.
Pollak: No, this one's extraordinary. Let's get the hell out of here. This place is making me itch.
The door is busted in as men run in waving torches shouting: DON'T MOVE.
NC: CAAATTTTT! (waving his arms in the air)
The policewoman from earlier is there and the shouting continues with close-ups to people's shocked faces.
NC: CATTTTT-ATTTT-CAT! (waving his arms moreso)
More people rush into the room and more shouting.
NC: CAT! CAT! CAT! (jumping out of his seat)
The characters calm down and lower their guns.
Policewoman: Jesus Christ, how the hell did you two find this place?
Arnold: Lucky guess. So what did you find out?
NC: Well, nothing compared to the CAAAATTTTT! (waves his arms in the air)
Footage shows Christine (played by Robin Tunney) walking to a seat in a subway train as a man with blonde pointy hair looks at her and smiles at her in a creepy kind of way.
NC: Meanwhile, on the subway, a woman named Christine sits down while an exploding cheese ball here seems to watch her closely.
The man stands in front of her and says: He's coming for you. He coming for you, Christine.
Christine: How do you know my name?
Man: He's gonna fuck you. He's gonna fuck you, Christine.
Christine: How do you know my name?!
She grabs his arm and it detaches from his body and falls apart in front of her. She screams.
NC (v/o): Oh, my God! It's a human Jenga!
The man's half-smashed face laughs.
NC: (as man) I guess I'm very fragile. Wah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Footage shows people looking confused at Christine.
NC (v/o): But it turns out it's just all in her head.
NC: OR IS IT?! ... Yeah, yeah, it is... um... BUT WHY?!
Arnold goes to a church and speaks to an elderly priest.
NC (v/o): Well, Arnold tries to go to the church the bum worked at to see if he can get some answers.
Arnold: Excuse me.
Priest: I'm sorry, we're closed.
NC: (v/o, as Priest) Please use the drive-thru confessional.
Arnold: I would like to talk to you about Thomas Aquinas. (that is the bum's name, not the philosopher) Was he working for someone?
Priest: Yes, he was working for God.
Arnold: So God ordered a hit on an investment banker?
Priest: There's an awful lot that you don't know. You think you've seen everything? You haven't. There are things you've never dreamed of! There's another world out there! And it destroyed him.
NC: (as Priest) I'm sorry. I only speak in movie trailer quotes. There's another world out there! These are things you can't possibly understand! In a world ruled by fear, he took a chance and dared to dream- I COULD GO ALL DAY!
NC (v/o): So he tells Arnold to piss off and go with God as he ventures downstairs.
Arnold follows the man and sees a collection of people tied to beds whilst bleeding and muttering in Latin or screaming.
NC (v/o): Oh, whoops. Silly. Maybe the priest should have LOCKED THE DOOR BEFORE LOOKING AT THIS INCREDIBLY SHOCKING STUFF! How can a secret organization forget to lock a frigging door?
Priest: Get out and forget what you've seen!
Arnold: Was Thomas part of all this?
Priest: There are forces here at work here you couldn't possibly comprehend!
NC: (as Priest) Our world is changing! You cannot stop! You cannot kill! This summer, the biggest blockbuster of all time will be revealed!
Christine's dream of having sex with Gabriel Byrne and they slowly merge together as one person.
NC (v/o): Meanwhile, Christine has yet another vision, this one's of Gabriel Byrne, who, I guess, likes having sex through osmosis. While her step-mother tries to comfort her, we see that somebody has visited the bum-priest, and apparently was not very pleased with him.
Arnold and police find the bum-priest nailed to the ceiling.
NC: All right! Who crucified the patient? ... Mark?
Arnold: I'm telling you: nobody entered the room.
Policeman: Maybe he did it himself.
NC: Wait a minute! What?!
Policeman: Maybe he did it himself.
NC: Maybe he did it himself?! ... OH, YEAH, these self-crucifixions happen all the time, don't they? Hell, I know a woman down the street crucifies herself every Thursday! Ha! I've gotta nail her feet to the ground in order to make her stop... not, not literally.
Arnold: Then how did he get the last scalpel in?
NC: I think the real question is: why are you arguing this?
Doctors pull back the bum-priest's clothes and see writing in his wounds.
Doctor: Oh my god... Satan shall be loosed out of his prison.... right.. in New York.
The bum-priest sits up screaming and everybody jumps back and screams in shock.
Footage: Alice in Wonderland: the Dormouse runs across the table screaming: "CAT!"
Clips from Alice in Wonderland with characters trying to catch the dormouse and the bum-priest grabbing things in End of Days, with people screaming merge together.
NC continues to scream and panic.
March Hare: Get the jam!
A policeman shoots the bum-priest.
NC collapses in relief.
Mad Hatter: My goodness. Those are the things that upset me.
NC (v/o): After that scene, we cut to Christine, who's just getting done with her workout. Hello, pointless breast shot. Goodbye, pointless breast shot. But she notices her butler has not been doing a good job cleaning up his mess, but maybe that's because he is the mess.
Dead man in bathtub and Christine screams. A group of men dressed in black burst into the room and chase Christine.
Voice over: (Monty Python) Nobody expects the Spanish Inquis-
Christine shuts the door in their face.
NC (v/o): So these religious nut-jobs come in and try to kill Christine, while Arnold and Pollak hear her screaming outside.
Arnold and Pollak rush into the house for a gun fight. Christine notices the necklace the man with the knife is wearing.
Priest no. 2: Go down and do whatever you can. I need more time to finish the last rites. Oh Christ, the true Shepherd...
NC: See, that's the problem with prayers: they always take too long. Can't you just say 'rub-a-dub-dub, killed your butler in a tub'?
Priest no. 2: Amen!
He goes to stab Christine but she moves out of the way and defends herself from him.
NC (v/o): Yeah, maybe big dramatic stabs aren't the answer either, moron! You're killing a person, not doing tae bo!
Priest no. 2 escapes and Arnold meets Christine.
Arnold: Take it easy. We're the good guys. All right? What happened?
NC (v/o): You know, what do you think this woman writes in her blog? You think it sounds weird?
NC: (typing on laptop as Christine) So this week I went shopping, a man disintegrated before my eyes, I was raped by Gabriel Byrne and several priests tried to kill me. All in all, I'm a lucky girl.
Christine and Arnold talking.
NC (v/o): So Arnold decides to look after her as he tries to put the pieces of this mystery together.
Christine's Step-mother: Christine, what are you doing? Why is that man here?
Christine: I'll be five minutes. (to Arnold) She loves me to death but she's a little over-protective.
NC (v/o): Gee, I can't imagine why. It's not like anyone put a hit on you or anything.
Christine: The man that attacked me are devil worshippers?
Arnold: No. This says they're the good guys.
Footage of Pollak in his van.
NC (v/o): So, in probably the weirdest way to kill a guy, Gabriel Byrne pisses on the sidewalk, it leaks into Kevin Pollak's van and he lights his own urine on fire. Give him an A for abstract crudeness.
Massive explosion and causes Christine's house to catch on fire.
NC (v/o): Arnold and Christine try to get out, but Arnold - get this - is beat up by the middle-aged step-mother.
Arnold getting beaten up by the old lady.
NC (v/o): Oh, come on, Arnold! You aren't that out of shape. A three-legged poodle could take on this woman! (as Arnold) Christine, please tell your mommy to stop beating me up. It hurts! After he finally smashes the old bag, they make their way back to the church he visited before to try and get some more answers.
Arnold: Who's after her?
Priest: Well, if you'll excuse me, I'll try to explain. You know anything about the number of the beast, revelation of Saint John from his dream?
Priest: The number of the beast is not six-six-six. Often in dreams, numbers appear upside-down and backwards. So six-six-six becomes nine-nine-nine, like 1999, the year of his return.
NC (v/o): Wow... That's a... really big stretch there, movie. I mean, you're really desperate, aren't you? A-ba-ta, hell, why stop there?
NC: Seeing as there's three digits in 999 (numbers appear on the screen) and nine divided by three is three.
A red 3 dings at the bottom of the screen.
NC: The one at the beginning seems to come out of nowhere, so let's just put that in the middle.
A red 1 dings.
NC: You add nine, nine, nine together and you get twenty-one, but you take one number away because you added the number before, therefore you have to subtract the number as well.
A red 20 dings.
NC: You put them together and connect them to letters of the alphabet and you get...
NC (v/o): So Arnold tries to sum up what the priest is saying.
Arnold: So the Prince of Darkness wants to conquer the Earth, but he has to wait until an hour before midnight of New Year's Eve.
NC: Well, gee, when you put it like that it sounds absolutely retarded.
Priest: It doesn't matter whether you believe or not. He's real! And he won't rest until he finds this girl.
Christine: Why'd he pick me?
Priest: Because the stars were right when you were born.
NC: To-ho-ho-ho! Yeah! (overly sarcastic) Because nobody else was born at that point in time! Yeah... umm.. how many babies are born every minute on this planet?
255 pops up.
NC: There you go, Satan. Take your pick of the litter! The slutty ones are usually better.
NC (v/o): So she decides to stay with the priest as Arnold goes home, where Byrne is waiting for him.
Arnold: What do you want?
Gabriel: To make you happy again.
NC (v/o): So he offers to bring back his wife and daughter from their untimely deaths if he only tells him where Christine is. So, yeah... he can bring people back from the dead, turn piss into fire and yet he can't just find one stinking woman. The Lord of Darkness is a bit of a dumbass, isn't he?
Gabriel: You don't want to see me upset.
NC (v/o): So Arnold refuses his offer and Byrne doesn't take it very well.
Byrne picks up Arnold by his throat and throws him out the window, Arnold grabs hold of the window sill.
Gabriel: All you gotta do is take my hand, and I'll give you back everything that He took away.
Arnold: Okay. Okay, okay.
Gabriel goes down to grab his hand, Arnold goes lower and jumps and grabs Gabriel's shoulder, causing him to fall multiple stories.
NC (v/o): Wow. The Devil really fell for that? I thought maybe the Devil would be just a tad bit smarter.
Spaceballs. Dark Helmet: I can't believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book!
NC (v/o): It turns out Kevin Pollak also returns, even though we saw him blow up and we know he's obviously a bad guy but... don't tell Arnold yet, he... he's a bit slow. But luckily, some more priests arrive to help Christine to help her in her battle.
Priest no. 3: We've come to help.
Priest: Your Eminence.
Priest no. 3: How's the girl?
Christine: Girl's fine, thanks.
She sees the priests are wearing the same symbol as the priest who tried to kill her.
Christine: No. Father, they're the ones who tried to kill me!
NC: Well, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice: End of Days. (laughs)
Spaceballs. Dark Helmet: What's with you, man? Come on!
NC (v/o): But Arnold comes in to stop them as the Devil's not far behind. Kevin Pollak, in the meantime, kidnaps Christine, because *gasp* he's working for the Devil now! Wow... what a shocker. As he leaves Arnold to be beaten by a bunch of the Devil's minions.
Arnold is crucified in the alley.
NC: (v/o as Arnold) Boy, who'd have thought I'd be crucified twice in my career?
Footage of Conan where he was also crucified.
NC: (v/o as Arnold) This is a weird job, you know that? (normal) So like every stupid ruler of evil, he doesn't kill Arnold, which means this allows him to go to the police station to load up and haul ass.
Arnold loads up to the Evil Dead 2 music. Cut to Evil Dead 2. Ash Williams: Groovy.
NC (v/o): So he makes it to the Black Mass where Byrne plans to impregnate Christine. But Arnold says "Hasta la vista, Rosemary's baby" as he shoots his way to the altar.
Arnold: Don't move or I kill the girl.
Gabriel: You're not gonna kill her.
Arnold: You said it yourself. I've a dark heart.
Gabriel: Then stand with me.
NC: (as Gabriel) Don't make me continue my Willem Dafoe impression.
NC: (v/o, normal) So Arnold shoots some more as they make their way into the New York subway, that, of course, in typical New York fashion, has ABSOLUTELY NOBODY ON IT.
Christine: He's on the track!
Gabriel in front of the speeding train.
Arnold: Don't stop!
Train conductor: What are you doing?!
Arnold: DON'T STOP!
NC: (v/o as Arnold) IT'S OKAY! IT'S THE DEVIL!
A sigh with 'eek' pops up next to Gabriel's frightened face just before he gets hit by the train.
NC (v/o): Did I mention yet how much this Devil sucks?
Hand grabs Christine's foot, Arnold shoots it. The last carriage is separated and Gabriel jumps at them through the air and Arnold shoots him back.
NC: (v/o as Gabriel) Boy, I'm really bad at this. I can see why I was a fallen angel, 'cause I'm fallin' over everything.
NC (v/o): So they make their way back to the church again as Arnold tells Christine to hide.
Arnold: Just hide!
NC (v/o): So he prepares to finally face off with the Devil by doing - what else? - praying.
Arnold: Please, God.
NC: Oh, come on, Arnold, this is neither the time nor the place.
Arnold: Help me. Give me strength.
Conan: And if you do not listen... then to hell with you!
NC (v/o): So the Devil does what he should have done all along: TURN INTO A DEVIL. Wouldn't this have been over a lot sooner if he just did that to begin with? So he possesses Arnold's body in order to get to Christine, and, like a doofus, she falls for it.
Arnold: We won.
Christine: We won.
NC: (as Arnold) I think we should celebrate with a victory screw.
Christine: What's wrong?
Arnold: Nothing is wrong. (grabs Christine and puts her on the altar, looks at Jesus on the cross) You died for nothing.
NC (v/o): But Arnold's goodwill shines through as he fights the Devil off from the inside and stabs himself on a sword.
Arnold jumps on the sword and flames come out from his chest.
NC: (v/o as Arnold) Ah! Heartburn!
The flames grow and Satan's face roars in it.
The flames (End of Days) vanish into the ground.
NC: (v/o as Gabriel) Drat! I've been foiled by the power of love! (normal) So Arnold sees his wife and daughter again as he goes to that happy California in the sky. The end.
NC: What a stupid movie! You'd think something like Arnold Schwarzenegger vs the Devil would be something cool, but it's not! It's unbelievably lame!
NC (v/o): The action's not good, it's not scary, there's like a ba-jillion plot holes, and it's just not that entertaining.
NC: On top of that, we all know who would really solve the problem if they just gave them a call... Santa Christ.
Santa Christ theme song plays as Santa Christ enters, laughing.
NC: Oh, hey, Santa Christ, Santa the Lord of Darkness is trying to take over the world. Could you do something about that?
Santa Christ: Sure thing, Critic.
The flames disappear and a box of Hohohos are there instead.
NC: Wow. You turned him into a box of Hohohos!
Santa Christ: (v/o) I certainly did.
NC: Thanks again, Santa Christ. You're the best!
Santa Christ: No problem, Critic. Here, have a Sega Genesis.
NC: Wow! You kick ass.
Santa Christ continues to laugh.
NC: You're just the best person in the world, Santa Christ. I mean, is there anything you're afraid of? Anything at all?
Black cat clip.
Santa Christ is shocked and Critic hides behind him. Santa Christ starts shooting the cat and Critic keeps screaming. Meows are heard.
NC: Thanks for watching Schwarzenegger month! Remember! Watch the hundredth episode next week! CAT!
Santa Christ goes back to shooting, the Critic screams and the 'put the cookie down' remix is heard.
The End credits.
Blooper of Santa Christ and Critic laughing at the end.