Elvira's House of Mystery Special #1
December 19, 2016
Schlocky horror, nuclear winter, and Elvira. Merry Christmas!
Linkara: Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. Let's end this year's Christmas comics with something that definitely fits the bizarre end of the holiday season: an Elvira Christmas comic!
(Footage of Elvira, Mistress of the Dark is shown)
Linkara (v/o): For those unfamiliar, Elvira was, and I suppose still is, a horror host played by Cassandra Petersen. Ironically, despite her full title being "Elvira, Mistress of the Dark", her character's personality is bubbly, upbeat and a bit campy in regards to the horror stuff she presents. Her show Elvira's Movie Macabre showed off horror movies, mostly B-grade stuff, as well as showing off her biggest, most noticeable aspect: her hairdo. That beehive is just busting out for the world to see. Anyway, she's one of the world's most recognizable and famous horror hosts, appearing in commercials, specials, movies, and guest appearances in a ton of stuff.
(A shot of Elvira's page on Wikipedia is shown, displaying her LONG filmography list)
Linkara (v/o): Just look at IMDB or her Wikipedia credits list or–
(Linkara then stops, however, as one title on the list catches his eye)
Linkara (v/o): Helicopters With Elvira? The hell?!
(More footage of Elvira is shown)
Linkara (v/o): Erm, anyway, Cassandra Petersen has managed to build a career out of Elvira that lasts even today, with even a daily thirteen-episode series streamed on Hulu, up to Halloween: 13 Nights of Elvira.
Linkara: And unlike some horror hosts I could name, (calls out offscreen) SHE DOESN'T TAKE OVER MY SUPPLY ROOM EVERY OCTOBER!
Moarte: (calling back) Up yours, you ungrateful hack! Trying to get some sleep before the next DVD!
(A montage of shots of the comic series "House of Mystery")
Linkara (v/o): Speaking of that jackass, one comic that has appeared on Longbox of the Damned a lot is "House of Mystery", a Vertigo revival of the book from 2008. The original "House of Mystery" was simply a horror anthology that started in 1951, one of the hundreds of horror comics from that time. And like so many others, it found its horror content halted by the Comics Code Authority. Unlike a lot of other books which had "horror" or "terror" or the like explicitly in the title, the book managed to survive by revamping itself as being more science-fiction fare and even the inclusion of superheroes. However, by the late '60s, companies were beginning to push back against the Comics Code, with "The House of Mystery" going back to horror material, this time with the book getting a horror host in the form of Cain, as in "Cain and Abel". Abel, meanwhile, would host the sister book, "House of Secrets". The book lasted until 1983... and then revived in 1986 with a new host: Elvira.
Linkara: I have not been able to figure out how the hell this happened or why, but yeah, for eleven issues and one special, the book was relaunched and retitled (makes "air quotes") "Elvira's House of Mystery", with an ongoing plot of Elvira tasked to locate Cain while introducing stories. (takes off glasses) People question me for having a storyline in a review show when DC was pulling this crap in the '80s.
Linkara (v/o): I mean, yeah, as I said, Elvira was popular. Giving her a comic makes sense, but why revive "House of Mystery" with her as the host? How did this deal even happen? Who proposed it? Why the internal storyline of looking for Cain?
Linkara: And most importantly, why, oh, why is there a Christmas special associated with it?! Well, let's dig into (holds up today's comic) "Elvira's House of Mystery Special #1" and see if we can answer that.
(Christmas version of the title theme plays, and the title card has "Christmas At Ground Zero" by Weird Al Yankovic playing in the background. Cut to a closeup of the comic's cover)
Linkara (v/o): This is one of those books that annoyingly has a different title on the cover than in the legal info. I labeled this based on the copyright stuff, but the cover is actually "SPECIAL: Elvira's Haunted Holidays". Or, it might be one of those weird cases where they put Elvira's name in the middle and it should be "Elvira's Special Haunted Holidays". Or maybe because of what was written on the left: "Elvira's House of Mystery Presents Special: Elvira's Haunted Holidays" and... GAAAAH!! Just label the comic clearly, dammit! The cover's okay, featuring Elvira sitting in Santa's lap while reading off her comically long Christmas list. She kind of needs to, though; most of the writing on it is just random scribbles. I can make out words like "liner", "shoes" and "articles".
Linkara: So clearly, for Christmas this year, Elvira wanted clickbait stories!
Linkara (v/o): The book is, of course, an anthology, but we start things off with "Elvira's Christmas Carol".
Linkara: You think all the various people who have gone through "A Christmas Carol" have a support group? Like, I can imagine seeing your own gravestone as kind of traumatizing.
Linkara (v/o): Elvira lays down in bed and starts talking about her day.
Elvira: I'm beat, beat, beat! What made me think I could sit through a triple feature? "The Brain-Eaters"... "The Brain From Planet Arous"... "They Saved Hitler's Brain"... If I had any brains I would've left after the coming attractions!
Linkara: Well, two of those movies don't actually have brains in them, so at least you're on equal footing.
Linkara (v/o): She turns on a radio.
Elvira: Maybe I'll hear my favorite... "The Dorothy Song"... the one that goes "I fight Dorothy, Dorothy always wins"...
Linkara: Eh, mishearing John Mellencamp songs is often preferable to crappy or Christmas music.
Linkara (v/o): Speaking of, all she can find on the radio is Christmas music. Her reaction mimics a lot of people I know who have worked in retail during the holiday season: smashing the radio.
Elvira: Jingle that! I swear, if I hear one more Christmas carol, I'll--
Voice: (singing) Good King Wenceslas looked out... On the feast of Steeeeephen...
Linkara: (recoiling in shock) AH! Ghost radio! Kill it!
Linkara (v/o): Actually, the caroling came from outside, where, surprisingly, Cain and Abel are there, singing. What's especially amusing to me is that the two are recurring characters in Neil Gaiman's The Sandman, where their most frequent thing is for Cain to kill Abel, so now I just assume he's already murdered him a few times for singing off-key. Elvira, though, might be the one doing the murdering, as she fails to appreciate the caroling and tells them to leave.
Elvira: Get out of here before I greet the two of you... and when I'm through-- you'll look like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, if you get my drift!
Linkara: (as Cain) I'll have a glowing nose? Cool! I'll save hundreds on my electrical bill!
Linkara (v/o): She collapses onto her bed.
Elvira: That pair of pinheads! What's the big deal about Christmas? It's just like any other day, except colder!
Linkara (v/o): Why was your window open a second ago? She falls asleep, but is awaken by a ghostly wail calling her name. Aaand it's Cain. Or rather, Cain as the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Elvira: Waaait a minute... Don't I know you from someplace?
Linkara: (as Elvira) Abraham Lincoln, what are you doing here?
Elvira: Didn't you work on my Aunt Em's farm in Kansas?
Cain: That's another story, Elvira.
Linkara: In Elvira's Wizard of Oz, Vampira played Ozma.
Cain: Take my hand, and we'll discover why Christmas disagrees with you so much!
Elvira: I already know that! It's just like those carols on the radio! The holiday forces you to pay attention to it! Anybody who doesn't like it is made to feel like a creep, an outsider!
(Linkara raises his index finger, about to open his mouth to speak, but stops himself and ponders what Elvira said)
Linkara: Yeah. Yeah, I can't really disagree.
Linkara (v/o): I mean, I love Christmas, but one aspect of the mass commercialization is that even you don't celebrate it, it's everywhere, from house decorations to store displays to advertisements to Internet shows about crappy comic books. And don't get me wrong, a majority of people in the United States celebrate it one way or another, and I have no solutions to offer that would make non-Christmas people feel less alienated about the holiday. But I don't think there's anything wrong in acknowledging that it can be a problem for people, and you can't force to like something they have no stake in, especially when they celebrate other holidays.
Linkara: If there is a way to help, I say it's just for people who do celebrate it to exemplify the nonreligious aspect of the holiday, which is love, kindness, and human decency. Be good to everyone, including those who don't celebrate it. Don't be an asshole about it. (beat) So, anyway, back to someone being an asshole about it!
Linkara (v/o): I mean, really, what's the point of "A Christmas Carol" for Elvira? Scrooge hated Christmas because he hated everything. He was a miserable person every other day of the year. It's just Christmas in particular brought it out even worse, and that misery, intentionally or unintentionally, was having repercussions that hurt other people. What did Elvira do that warranted this? Are they punishing her for watching They Saved Hitler's Brain?
Linkara: Which, admittedly, is something nobody should have to watch, but it's not exactly on par with ("air quotes") "Decrease the surplus population".
Linkara (v/o): Anyway, Cain flies her to the past, in particular to a snowy schoolhouse. Man, good thing this is just a vision or else she'd be feeling colder than normal in that outfit. Inside the schoolhouse, the teacher is directing the kids in making construction paper decorations for Christmas trees. However, Elvira's is... different, I guess*.
- NOTE: Elvira made bat-themed garlands for her decorations.
Teacher: Elvira!! You used all the green construction paper... to make that?!
Young Elvira: You're right, you're right... I should've stuck to basic black.
Teacher: Young lady, you leave this room this instant...
Linkara (v/o): Uh, what the hell is wrong with what she made? It frankly looks like how garland is depicted in comics. And even if it's just a weird shape, so what? It's not like she cut them into the shape of getting stabbed or something.
Teacher: ...and don't you come back until you learn something about Christmas tradition!
Linkara: So she should demand some figgy pudding? What is the problem here?!
Cain: But you did learn about Christmas, didn't you?
Linkara: (as Elvira) I sure did! Did you know the Twelve Days of Christmas actually refers to December 25 through January 5th?
Elvira: Yeah, and I taught them a thing or two, too! Like... about the burning of the Yule Log!
Linkara: One tradition involves sitting around it and telling ghost stories. Now, that I can get behind!
Linkara (v/o): Or in this case, Elvira has another solution to her problem with the teacher...
(Cut to a clip of Yu-Gi-Oh: The Abridged Series)
Yami Yugi: I've got it... ARSON!
(Cut back to the comic)
Linkara (v/o): Yyyeah, she's putting gasoline and wood at the base of the building and striking a match.
Linkara: Okay, murdering her teacher and classmates is probably an overreaction, (holds up index finger) but in her defense, she got sent outside into the cold without a coat. That teacher was awful!
Linkara (v/o): Cain is also a terrible Ghost of Christmas Past, because he admits failure and drops her right back off in her bed. Like, really?! That's it? One vision of a crappy Christmas to convince her to change her ways? Come on, man! You're supposed to be showing her what she lost! What has been left behind by her bitterness or something?
Linkara: Or was the intended message, ("air quotes") "You still could have had a match if you hadn't used it to light up the school"? (shrugs)
Linkara (v/o): Next up is Abel.
Abel: I am the Ghost of Christmas Present.
Elvira: You're one Christmas present I'd be glad to give back!
Linkara: (holds up index finger) And this is why you always include a gift receipt with your presents.
Abel: Why such venom in a time for joy? Take my hand-- and I'll show you what Christmas is really all about!
Linkara (v/o): And he takes her to... uh, the Pan Am building.
Linkara: (confused) The true meaning of Christmas was an airline that collapsed five years later?
Linkara (v/o): No, truly, the meaning of Christmas is this traffic jam that has everyone yelling at each other. Even Abel realizes what an idiot move this is and tries to move inside Stacy to see if he can find some yuletide merriment... and of course comes right into a riot of people beating each other up over Christmas presents.
Linkara: Abel, you are the worst Ghost of Christmas Present ever! And last week, we had a guy who quit the job to become a Scrooge!
Linkara (v/o): Yeah, Abel realizes this, too, and he also gives up! Hey, asshole, why not bring her to a soup kitchen or a charity fundraiser going on?! You people live in houses made for stories! I've got to imagine there are a few of those lying around inside the walls! But no, he just takes her back to the House of Mystery and says the third ghost will convince her.
Linkara: And given these idiots' current track record, I fully expect them to show her a future where she's STILL ALIVE!!
Linkara (v/o): While she waits for the third ghost, she turns on the TV, hoping to watch some horror movies. But of course, instead, she finds something else...
Elvira: "The Lemon Drop Kid"???
Linkara: Hey, cut it some slack. At least it isn't another 24-hour marathon of A Christmas Story.
Linkara (v/o): She opens up a TV Guide, hoping to find something else, but of course, it's still all Christmas movies.
Elvira: "It's a Wonderful Life"??? "Miracle On 34th Street"??? "Going My Way"??? Where's "Horror of Party Beach"???
Linkara: Well, it's not on this week. (holds up index finger) But if you head over to CBS, they're airing The Del-Aires Christmas Special. "The Zombie Stomp" is going to become a caroling standard.
Linkara (v/o): Wait a second, look at the TV Guide! "Zacherly as Santa"?!
Linkara: You've got classic horror host Zacherly playing Santa Claus! What the hell do you have to complain about?
Linkara (v/o): No time for a Knots Landing Noel, however; the third ghost has appeared. Probably the most appropriate choice for the ghost, though; it's Destiny. Like Cain and Abel, Destiny was a host of a DC anthology book: "Weird Mystery Tales". He's always clad in a purple cloak and reads from a large tome chained to his wrist, supposedly containing all things that ever were and ever will be. Much like Cain and Abel, he got a more expanded role in Neil Gaiman's "The Sandman", wherein Destiny was one of the seven Endless Beings that literally were the Element of Creation that they embodied, like Dream or Death or, in this case, well, Destiny. Elvira is, admittedly, a bit more humbled by him.
Elvira: You, I take it, are the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come? You, I take it, don't talk much. You, I take it, are taking me... to see to the Christmas of the future?
Linkara: You, I take it, like to repeat phrases for no reason?
Elvira: All right, I'm game. Let's go to Tomorrowland!
Linkara: What's funny is that it turns out this was all an elaborate way of taking Elvira to Disneyland for a vacation.
Linkara (v/o): She's brought to the future, which seems to contain a desolate landscape, including the burnt-out remains of the House of Mystery. Somehow she figures out what is meant by this, although don't ask me how she does; she says she has to figure this out for herself, we get two pages of ads... and suddenly she gets the message about this possible future.
Elvira: It might be if things go on like they have... It might be unless we take time out to see where we are... and where we're goin'. And Christmas is as good a time as any... a good time for mulling over phrases like "Good will toward men." Yeah, it sounds to me like people could do worse than to have Christmas jammed down their throats once per year.
Linkara: Like having no mysterious house to sleep in. That's definitely worse, as you can see.
Linkara (v/o): She wakes up in bed again, which could imply the whole thing was a dream, given how incompetent the other two spirits were, but I prefer to think it all happened. I mean, let's face it, it's the House of Mystery. Repeating a story for someone is kind of its thing. Anyway, Elvira calls out to some kid who's passing by.
Elvira: You know that bloodsucking bat that lives in the cavern just outside the city limits?
Linkara: (as kid) Yeah, Martin Shkreli's place. What about it?
Elvira: Kid, you get that bat and deliver it to a pair of goons named Cain and Abel for me, will ya? There's some bucks in it for ya.
Kid: EEEEEEE YA-HOOOOOO!
Linkara: And thus began the career of young Anakin Skywalker.
Linkara (v/o): And so, the story ends with this line...
Elvira: "The Joy of Yuletide Giving!" I'm all for it, as long as I give... and a couple of chumps I know get it!
Linkara: So... Christmas with anybody's relatives.
Linkara (v/o): As said, this is an anthology, so there are a few more stories, starting with "Oh, What Fun To Laugh and Sing a Slaying Song Tonight!"
Linkara: And yet, I just know that there will not be any singing in this about slaying, murdering, or general mayhem. (looks to his side and sighs resignedly before looking up, shaking his head) I feel so lied to.
Linkara (v/o): We open with an escaped criminal O'Niga Smith, which admittedly looks like it's a real name, based on a Google search, but frankly sounds more like one of those Yahoo! Ask mispronunciatiions of "Ouija Board".
(Cut to a montage of Yahoo! Answers, showing different questions related to the word "Ouija", all misspelled)
Voices: "Weegi Board", "Oiji Boards", "Ojo Board", "Ooija Board", "OIJA Board", "Oujij Board"?
(Back to the comic again)
Linkara (v/o): Smith is running away from a police officer, eventually shooting him as he makes his escape. He realizes he needs some money to get out of town, encountering a drunk Santa charity worker.
Smith: I want that money!
Drunken Santa: Please, mister! There ain't no (hic) money in there! I been out here all day...
Linkara (v/o): And Smith proceeds to beat him up with the gun handle.
Linkara: Man, "Night of the Meek" has a much darker ending to it than I remember.
Linkara (v/o): While the guy doesn't have any money, Smith swaps clothes with him to try to disguise himself. It works, allowing him to go through the streets and eventually break into an apartment to try to steal some money, credit cards, jewels, etc. However, the apartment is occupied by a little blind girl who thinks that Santa has indeed entered her home.
Girl: You did get my letter, didn't you, Santa?
Smith: Uh, sure, kid! I-I got it!
(Cut to a clip of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 gang watching Santa Claus)
Tom Servo: (as Santa, who reads a letter) "Dear Santa, I'm an elderly woman who doesn't enjoy sex."
(Cut back to the comic)
Linkara (v/o): The girl asks for her sight back, and Smith, being a scumbag, strings her along so he can steal her family's stuff.
Smith: You gotta sit there and be quiet*--and not wake anybody up--so that I can, uh, concentrate real hard and start warmin' up my, er, special Santa powers!
- NOTE: Smith actually says "...sit there real quiet..."
Linkara: (as Smith) Admittedly, the ability to shoot lasers from my hands is not normally helpful in any way, but anything's worth a shot.
Linkara (v/o): He makes his exit, claiming he needs to get something from his sleigh for his magic to work. He goes up to the rooftop, hoping to hop over a few to make his escape, except... he hears some jingling above him. And then, of course, inside as Santa himself arrives at the little girl's home. And indeed, the real deal is happy to comply with her wish, granting her sight back again. He can't stay, of course, because he's a busy guy and the job is getting harder every year.
Santa: (thinking) Why, if this sleigh weren't* an automobile, I'd almost be afraid to take her out for a spin! The way these poor old eyes have been bothering me lately... I'd be half afraid I'd smack right into something!
- ANOTHER NOTE: Santa actually says "...were an automobile...", not "...weren't an automobile...".
Linkara (v/o): Aaand the story ends, revealing that Santa did indeed run over Smith and killed him when he arrived on the rooftop.
Linkara: Don't sweat it, Santa! We'll plea bargain for vehicular manslaughter, get you five years, you'll be out in good behavior in two. Same deal as the Easter Bunny got.
Linkara (v/o): Next up is "O, Christmas Tree", about a pair of rich jackasses named Faye and Steve who are unpacking all their Christmas stuff into the home they recently moved into. With their new place, she doesn't want the dinky little tree they currently have and would prefer something new, so they go out on the town. The first options do not meet with Fay's hopes.
Faye: They're too fake. I want a real one.
Linkara (v/o): Or maybe at least one with less triangles on it. Next up is one that's a bit... scrawny.
Faye: They're too dead. I want a real one.
Linkara: (as Faye) I want something that'll dying in the corner of the house, not something that's dead already!
Linkara (v/o): Eventually, their continued failure brings them to a wilderness preserve that forbids poaching and lumbering, but they figure taking just one won't be a bother. Faye spots the one she wants and Steve happily cuts it down.
Steve: This is man's work! Watch out, tree, here comes Rambo.
Linkara: (as Steve) Time for my traumatic breakdown as a result of my experiences in Vietnam! (holds up a chainsaw and revs it a few times)
Linkara (v/o): Later, at a Christmas party hosted by the two, we see they're not exactly well-liked, with people of course barely tolerating their boasting, drunkenness, and general yuppie dickishness. That night, while the two sleep, the tree... starts to move on its own. It tosses off a bunch of its ornaments and sprouts wooden tendrils.
Narrator: As from the living tree... comes new life. Curious, malevolent life, born on a night famous for birth.
Linkara: And boy, is it about to be famous for death!
Linkara (v/o): Faye wakes up to see the tree having now gotten to the point where it's grown through the walls.
(Cut to the MST3K gang watching Jack Frost, showing a bunch of tree monsters)
Mike: Miracle-Gro worked too well.
Servo: I guess.
(Back to the comic again)
Linkara (v/o): She runs downstairs in search of Steve, who is being devoured by the tree.
Steve: This is all your fault, Faye! You're the one who had to have a living tree! Run before it gets you, too!
Linkara: Well, despite his attitude about the whole thing, at least he cares enough to tell her to run for her life. (holds up index finger) I think this marriage can still be saved.
Linkara (v/o): She tries to get away, but fails, the tree quickly surrounding her.
Linkara: Gotta say, I'm not really feeling this new origin for Groot.
Linkara (v/o): The next morning, the tree is now bigger than the house. The townspeople are not exactly shaken up by the loss of their new neighbors. They try to call nature agencies to take the tree, but nobody wants it. And finally, they realize they know somebody who would require a tree that large, ending our story with them taking the tree to the White House. And apparently installing a poem inside of it while kids sing "O, Christmas Tree".
Text: A couple of days before Christmas Eve, / A woman named Faye and a man named Steve / Began to prepare for the holidays, / But their selfish nature and evil ways / Got in the way of their Christmas giving, / And now they're no longer among the living. / So before this happens to you or me, / Remember: Be kind to your Christmas tree."
Linkara: This moral is iffy, not quite there, I would say. It is not the Christmas part that forced them to pay. According to this, trees must not be cut down, or this season in pine needles is where you will drown.
Linkara (v/o): The final story is, of course, "'Twas the Night Before X-Mas...". I just did a rhyming thing, so I'll spare you all yet another repetition of this poem. The story in this, the 50 gajillionth time this has been parodied or referenced, shows a world devastated by nuclear war. I'll give it credit: some of the rhymes are quite clever, in particular the passage, "All of the creatures that once seemed ubiquitous... had been irradiated into something quite liquidous."
Linkara: When homemade attempts to make Ecto-Cooler go too far.
Linkara (v/o): An alien ship arrives and examines the ruins of human civilization, saddened by the loss of life, and take off again, realizing they were too late to save anyone. However, something begins racing towards them in orbit. Believing it to be some automatic missile defense system, they ready their weapons. However, it's actually Santa Claus fleeing the desolate, empty Earth and asking the aliens to take him with them to find "good boys and girls". Unfortunately, in space, no one can hear you scream for your dead world... aaand they shoot him.
Linkara: Ha! (points to camera) It tooks years, Santa, but you finally face justice for running over that escaped criminal!
Linkara (v/o): And so, the aliens depart, probably having realized that they just shot down friggin' Santa Claus and... well, they're pretty sure Santa didn't get a good look at their license plate. And so, our comic ends with a pinup of Elvira in a sexy Santa suit, which is definitely a marked improvement over ending the comic end on "Earth is dead, and now so is Santa, bah humbug!"
Elvira: Anyone ready for roasted chestnuts?
Linkara: (laughs uproariously) Testicles! (closes comic and holds it up) Anyway, this comic is... a mixed bag.
Linkara (v/o): The Elvira story is just... okay. I get the point of it, especially since it's not meant to be taken seriously, but it runs a bit too fast for its own good, not really showing us why Elvira hates Christmas in the past. After all, it's not Christmas' fault her teacher was an idiot. She also comes to her conclusions in the future a wee bit too quick, with no real impetus for it other than "the house is gone". "A Slaying Song" is definitely the strongest, exemplifying the best sort of classic short story comeuppance in an anthology like this, with it not being Grandma who is run over by a reindeer, but a thieivng jackass. "O, Christmas Tree" feels a little incomplete without an explanation for why the tree came alive, but it doesn't really matter; just a fun horror story of a seasonal monster that, well, probably can be taken out by a box of matches. "'Twas the Night Before X-Mas" is just kind of depressing, given it ends with humanity all dead and now Santa either dead or adrift in space. Just seems like kind of a dick move, especially since it's just so needlessly tragic. The rhyming scheme is pretty good; certainly matches the source material. It's funny in theory, but in execution, it just feels depressing. The book also loses points for not having Elvira introduce us to each story like she should.
Linkara: Next time, it's the final episode of 2016, where we count down another fifteen times that I was a massive screw-up. Until then, happy holidays from Atop the Fourth Wall, and may none of you be visited by three spirits, be devoured by a Christmas tree... or just die in general. And I think that not dying is something we can all get behind this season.
(The following message pops up: "Happy Holidays from Atop the Fourth Wall. I hope you don't die.")
(End credits roll)
Elvira's schoolteacher would decide that public school was the way to go to avoid future arson incidents, happily using her position to promote Tandy products to her students Alec and Shanna.
So which has had more adaptations/parodies – A Christmas Carol or 'Twas the Night Before Christmas?
(Stinger: Santa from the "Slaying Song" story is addressing the blind girl)
Santa: I want you to think about sunlight and flowers... and a rich, golden moon and a night sky full of sparkling stars... and about all the beautiful, wonderful things that make life the joyous thing that it is!
Girl: (now able to see again) Oh, Santa! Santa, I'm so happy!
Linkara: (as Santa) Ho, ho, ho! You do have insurance, right, kid? I don't do medical operations for free.