Elf Bowling: The Movie
December 25, 2018
(The Channel Awesome logo and the title sequence plays, then open on NC sitting in his usual spot, in his Christmas attire. But in this case, he glowers silently at the camera for several seconds, before holding up a Blu-ray disc of the movie to be reviewed: Elf Bowling: The Movie. He then turns the cover around to show the back and points to the rating the movie got: PG, after which he throws the cover down in frustration)
NC: How is fucking Elf Bowling PG?! Oh, I mean...
(Cut to a shot of a poster labeled "Fucking Elf Blowing", which shows several women in sexy Santa-like outfits)
NC (vo): ...I know how that one is PG, that makes sense.
NC: (looks up in thought) In fact, how is that not more than PG, (holds up Blu-ray again) but how is the animated movie based on the game PG?!
(The title and clips from this movie are shown. The footage from the source material it's based on also plays out briefly)
NC (vo): Elf Bowling is based on a computer game from the late 90s about Santa throwing a bowling ball at striking elves. A cute idea, I guess, not really anything that special...
NC: So, of course, it became a big hit! (Next to him, the covers for the games Super Elf Bowling, Super Elf Bowling Collection, Elf Bowling 7 1/7: The Last Insult and Elf Bowling: Hawaiian Vacation appear)
NC (vo): It was spread all throughout the Internet and even got picked up by other game consoles, (The covers for Elf Bowling 1 & 2 for Nintendo and Game Boy Advance appear) where it was proudly labeled as one of the most enchantingly worst games of all time. Well, the developers must have gotten the idea to do movies, because in 2007, Elf Bowling: The Movie was released to a very similar response. As the tagline asks, (The following tagline for the original game is shown...) "Can Christmas be spared?"
NC: Not with your greedy asses making these films!
NC (vo): It's okay, though, as the back of the box reads, (The snippet of the Blu-ray back cover is shown, with NC sarcastically quoting most of the caption) "this beautiful computer-graphics movie is perfect for the whole family"...parental guidance suggested.
NC: What are they guiding them on?
NC (vo): What elf asses actually look like? (sighs in irritation) There's a lot to get bowled over by, so let's jump right in.
NC: Let's take a look at our last Christmas movie of the year! This is...Elf Bowling. (throws hands on the table)
(The movie starts with showing the production companies' names on the black screen)
Santa: (narrating) Ho, ho, ho! So you think you know how Santa Claus became Father Christmas, eh?
NC: He traveled from America to Britain?
Santa: (narrating) Well, think again.
(Fade to...a pirate ship roaming out in the sea)
NC (vo): Okay, two points for not starting off in any way how I thought this film would start off!
NC: Who am I kidding? If this was a Disney film...
(The opening to Alice Through the Looking Glass is shown, with Alice as a captain of the ship. Back to the film, we're shown the pirate crew slowly packaging all the booty they've gotten...toys. This is run by the captain's first mate, Dingle)
NC (vo): ...it'd be "Alice and the Curse of the Black Coal". The ship is called "The Filthy Toe", and they hold the evilest of pirates known to man, the ones who steal toys and sell them for profit!
Pirates: (singing) We steal toys and sell 'em back to the bratty...
NC: (somber, as the image of a ship with an edited title "S.S. Toys R Us" appears) So that's what happened to the S.S. Toys R Us. (A caption "Too Soon?" appears under the image)
(The ship's captain with a parrot on his shoulder comes to the deck, and he is...Santa Claus. Yes, you read that correctly)
Santa: Put all them crates of stolen toys in me cabin! And make it snappy, ya barnacle butts!
NC: ...What did Bizarro Cap'n Crunch just say?
Santa: Make it snappy, ya barnacle butts!
NC: (apparently trying to hold his laughter) Okay... I don't know what the rest of the film is gonna give me, but I thank it for adding...
NC (vo): ..."barnacle butts" to my dictionary of obscurely confusing insults.
NC: I'll put it next to an oldie, but a goodie. ("Barnacle Butts" appears as if it was listen in this "dictionary", above "I Was Frozen Today" and "Horribifuckus")
NC (vo): We get our first major dilemma this movie puts forth to us...
Santa: (spitting with each word he says, holding the barrel) Who pooped in the peanut barrel?!
Parrot: Who pooped in the peanut barrel? (squacks)
NC: "Barnacle butts" and "pooping in peanut barrels". I have to give the film credit for setting the bar...
NC (vo): ...so low, even a gnat couldn't limbo under it.
(In his cabin, Santa, feeling guilty of everything his crew is doing, writes a letter)
Santa: Deliver to the Poor WeeOnes Orphanage.
NC (vo): So Santa sends some of his toys to an orphanage...and I'm already confused.
(Santa throws several baskets full of toys to the sea)
Santa: Oh, me little ones, I owes ye this and much, much more for what me and me brothers stole all the years.
NC: (as Santa) Me motivation flips more than HGTV's fall lineup. (Posters of four HGTV shows are shown: Masters of Flip, Small Town, Big Flip, Flip or Flop and Flip It to Win It)
(To cheer up, Santa decides to play bowling on the deck, with his brother Dingle playing against him. All the pirates who were betting on Dingle pay Santa, but finding out that Dingle was secretly helping Santa win, they angrily throw them overboard)
NC (vo): In his off time, Captain Santa, non-surprisingly, enjoys bowling, but the crew finds out he's been scamming them out of money by telling his half-brother Dingle to rig the score, so they're tossed overboard.
(Cut to the North Pole, showing a blond elf named Lex snowboarding down the slope)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, in the North Pole, we see one of the elves skiing. (The close-ups on him reveal that he has the wide smile throughout all his ride) Clearly stoned out of his mind.
NC: (as Lex, acting like a stoner) Yeah-ha-ha-ha! Blinking's for sobers.
(Lex falls down in front of...Santa and Dingle on the shore, who were trapped in ice while swordfighting. Two more elves, Bagger and Candle, run to the two)
NC (vo): He finds the two frozen pirates...washed up on the hill...the ocean has a really good arm...and all the elves gather around to do various impressions of Rupert Everett's career.
Candle: (as the caption "My Best Friend's Wedding" is shown below) They look like hairy monsters to me.
Lex: ("An Ideal Man" appears next) Don't worry, Candle. He's the Great Whitebeard.
Bagger: ("Inspector Gadget" is shown) Lex, what the dinglebops are they, and what are you gonna do with them?
Lex: (takes out a crystal orb) Thaw them out.
NC: (as Lex, "waves hand over the orb") By asking Zandar!
Bagger: Never thaw out monsters. Oldest rule in the book.
Lex: Well, stand back, 'cause I'm rewriting the book. (The lightning strikes out of the orb, breaking the ice and freeing Santa and Dingle)
NC (vo; as Lex): By Silver Surfer's left nut, I command you to thaw!
Santa: (grabs the three elves by the scruffs) Who be you, Neverland pipsqueaks?!
NC (vo): At first, the pirates want to attack, but Santa gets an idea.
(Dingle charges at the three elves, but Santa stops him midway and secretly winks at him)
NC (vo; as Santa): I love you.
(Santa looks aside to see the village full of candy canes and gingerbread houses)
Santa: What is this place?
Lex: It's the North Pole. Welcome to you and your pet rat, Whitebeard.
Santa: (both him and Dingle looking offended) That pet rat is me half-brother, Dingle, to whom I'm bound forever by blood.
NC: Well, I find that's true for most dingles.
NC (vo): The two of them express their thanks to the elves and lie about them being pirates.
Bagger: (suspiciously) You two wouldn't be pirates, now, would you?
(Santa and Dingle, innocently smiling, quickly change their pirate hats to a cheese and a baseball drinking hat, respectively)
Santa: Pirates? (laughs a bit) What gives you that idea?
NC: (as Santa) We're just Packers fans!
(A gun click sound is heard, and the infamous "guns shooting" green screen effect appears, firing at the screaming NC. In the movie, the elves' toy factory is shown, which looks like a huge spinning top. After Santa and Dingle enter the factory, Lex loads all the toys inside a conveyor machine by using his crystal orb)
NC (vo): They're shown to the North Pole, and I'll admit, the main workshop is actually a pretty unique design, as they explain that a lot of their productivity is very magic ball-oriented.
Dingle: (whispering to Santa, walking close to the camera) If I had me that mystic ball, I could steal every toy from here to Timbuktu. (chuckles evilly)
NC: (as Dingle) Maybe I could even get skin not made out of Play-Doh.
(More of the toy factory is shown to the brothers)
NC (vo): But what do the elves do with the toys if they don't deliver them to kids?
Lex: We play with them, and then store them in that mountain over there. (A mountain is shown with a conveyor belt leading the crates with toys to a cave)
NC: Like I said, (The clip of Lex snowboarding is shown) clearly stoned off their asses.
(A group of elves are marching towards the three, looking annoyed. Dingle grabs onto the orb, but it shocks him, and he falls, knocking the orb out of Lex's hands. It rolls and actually manages to knock all the elves down)
NC (vo): But the elves start marching towards them in anger, and Santa and Dingle think they're on to them and try throwing a ball at them.
(The elves stand up and...cheer and laugh?)
NC: Oh. So...they weren't on to them. (Beat) They were...
NC (vo): ...just showing off their "angry march" exercise to the newcomers.
NC: (as the picture of Santa wearing sunglasses and holding a rifle is shown) You know, if he was an NRA Santa, you'd all be bloody fruitcake!
NC (vo): Santa explains he was just playing his favorite game, elf bowling.
Santa: (to Lex) It's, uh, me favorite game, lad. Heh-heh. Bowling. Uh, elf bowling, that is, heh-heh.
(The footage of the original game is shown, revealing one of the elves showing a banner with "Santa Sux!" on it)
NC (vo): Pretty lame connection, considering the game already had a very laid-out story, but... (A photo of a little kid sleeping on the couch appears with a glass of eggnog edited in right next to it) your five-year-old's already drunk on eggnog from watching this, so who's complaining?
(Next is...elves making farting sounds with their armpits)
Santa: What are they doing?
Lex: It's a surefire sign they like you, Whitebeard.
NC: (as Lex) The honorary shit-throwing to follow is also a sign of high flattery.
(Santa is introduced to the elves' female chef named Grizelda whose signature dish is strudels. They instantly fall in love after seeing each other)
NC (vo): They have their best chef make Santa a strudel, but there's another cream-filled pastry both of them seem to be thinking about...
Dingle: (snaps fingers in Santa's face) Brother, you keep your hot strudel in your pants.
NC: Ah, now we know where the PG came from. Christ, Elf Bowling!
NC (vo): You know, a little something for the adults, because...clearly, a lot of grown-ups will be watching a film with armpit farts in it! Who am I kidding?
NC: (as the poster for the movie Venom is shown) If this was a hit, that's totally possible.
(A penguin wearing a gangster hat comes to Dingle)
Penguin: Psst. Hey, buddy. (taps on Dingle's shoulder)
Dingle: What do you want?
Penguin: Come on and pick some hot mittens. They just fell off the truck.
NC: (feigned surprise) Oh, why... I haven't seen a character so smoothly introduced since I found out about...
(The introduction scene of Katana from Suicide Squad is shown)
NC (vo): ...Katana's back-having abilities!
Rick Flag: She's got my back.
(Back to the movie)
NC (vo): The elves think Santa is a prophet called "Whitebeard" who will show them their destiny.
Lex: You can give away the toys we make to children every day of the week.
Santa: Nah. Too much work.
Lex: How about you just give them the toys on one special day of the year?
NC: (as Lex) Semi-leaning on their religious upbringing. Christers still get a pass.
(Santa puts on a red hat that transforms his pirate clothing into a more festive-looking costume...even if it seems it's a little tight on him)
NC (vo): Santa agrees, and they give him a magic hat that clearly didn't get his measurements ahead of time.
NC: (smiling) It's fine, as long as he doesn't put on any weight.
NC (vo): He's introduced to all the different elves, who will help him make the gifts.
Lex: First, there's Rappel, who's in charge of packaging.
(He points to a black-skinned elf fully named Rappelstiltskin, who is quickly making a box, putting a toy in it and wrapping it while...well, rapping)
Rappel: (rapping) Yo, yo, when the present needs wrappin', I'm the one who makes it happen, and my feet stop tappin'...
NC: (clutches his head in horror) Oh, God, I'm having Rapsittie Street Kids flashbacks! (As he says this, Ricky from this special is shown over a clip of Rappel) Hide all your Walter Joneses! (desperately waves hands to the side)
NC (vo): After he's (Santa) introduced to everybody, one of the elves gives him a bit of advice.
Bagger: (marching in place and singing) Elves need to be happy, / Their hearts must spring with joy...
NC: (forced smile) Oh, thank God. It's a musical.
Bagger: (singing) ...for it is only happy elf who is able to make toys.
NC (vo): I bet Amazon sings this song every day.
Bagger: (singing faster as the elves walk and run back and forth with presents) Some people make up different / When money's involved...
NC: Ah, now that's the Amazon anthem!
Bagger: (singing) ...and everything sucks, / And we can't do our work, / And everything is miserable, and terrible, and terrible...
NC (vo): You know, it's funny there's a song about not being all about the money in a movie version of ELF BOWLING!
NC: No, really. We wanted to tell this story for the art! Strudel dick jokes must blossom!
Elves: (singing) ...to make toys!
Santa: (finishing the song) Toyyyyyyyyys...! (The elves are clutching their ears)
NC: Are they screeching at his voice or his...
NC (vo): ...Muppet Ghost of Christmas Present wearing the Burger King skin as a face mask?
(Santa is shown riding in the sleigh around the Earth, and a stream of presents appears in the back of the sleigh)
NC (vo): Not sure if he's dropping off presents or multicolored diarrhea, but the elves are so happy at his work that they make Santa and his brother live forever. (The cover for the fictional paper named "Plague & Disease Monthly" with a header that says "Santa Creates Cottage Industry" spins into the center of the shot) By the way, anyone else noticed this kids' film has kind of a sick sense of humor?
NC: Which...I'd be fine with if most of the jokes weren't this.
(Cut back to a scene of elves farting with their armpits)
NC: These go together like peanut butter and peanut allergies.
(More fictional papers covers are shown, showing Dingle and the duo of the gangster penguins stealing or selling stuff and getting arrested for it)
NC (vo): Dingle, on the other hand, kept trying to scheme people for eons and eons, and Santa kept having to bail him out. You know, after literally hundreds of years of this, would you revoke his immortality card?
(Cut to Dingle at Santa's apartment lazily lying on the couch and belching. This upsets Grizelda, who became Santa's wife before)
NC (vo): Santa ends up marrying the chef, who, it looks like, is fed up with her brother leeching off them.
Grizelda: (to Dingle) That's it! (speaks to Santa) It's either my strudel, or that wet noodle.
NC: Did she say "it's either my strudel, or death with noodle"?
Grizelda: It's either my strudel, or that wet noodle.
NC: With food having so many double entendres in this, I don't want to know what that means.
Santa: (talks to Dingle) You've been sleeping on me couch for 600 years. You got one week to find yourself a nice bachelor igloo.
NC: (as Santa) Might I suggest not picking the one from North? (The clip of the Alaskian mother from this movie is shown) They get their Kathy Bateses to do some risque things.
(At his bar, Dingle calls the two gangster penguins to him)
NC (vo): Dingle calls upon his two henchpenguins to hatch a plan.
Dingle: (unscrews the lightbulb from a lamp above and holds it) Because this time, Santa ain't comin' to town! (laughs evilly as the lightbulb begins glowing)
NC: (as Dingle, "holding the lightbulb") Might I also add...OOOOWWW!!
(We go to a commercial. After returning, we're shown Santa playing bowling at the newly-opened club at the factory, with elves serving as pins)
NC (vo): So Santa continues to do his elf bowling...hey, you gotta justify that title somehow...when one of the elves says their toy count is off by six billion units.
Dingle: (speaking into a horn) I'm challenging my belly-full-of-blubber brother to bowl for Christmas. Winner takes all!
NC: (scoffs) That makes about as much sense as dueling to be the head of government. (The shot of duel between T'Challa and Killmonger in the Great Mound from Black Panther is shown) Where's our post for Academy Awards?
Santa: So it's a duel. For all the marbles, is it?
NC (vo): Strange he's been living here hundreds of years, yet he never lost his pirate accent. Do kids really want to think of Santa (Painty the Pirate from SpongeBob SquarePants is shown) as the guy who opens SpongeBob?
NC: By the way, if you read this version, (The "cover" for Fucking Elf Bowling appears again) that has a very different meaning.
Santa: (grabs the horn and speaks into Dingle's face) I accept! Let's bowl!
(The elves cheer while armpit-farting...again...as Lex suddenly pops up close to the camera, which makes NC do a scared yelp)
Lex: Hold on to your armpits, it's time for... (The "intro" for the following made by "Elf TV" is shown) Bowling for Christmas!
NC: (as Lex) Whoever wins gives birth to Baby Jesus! Where does he factor in in all this?
(Lex and Rappel are taking the roles of the commentators)
Lex: Well, Rappel, whoever wins this match of all matches becomes the big kahuna of Christmas.
Rappel: That's right, Lex. And the stands are filling with fans. (The tribune full of elves rooting for Santa is shown)
NC (vo; as Lex): Hey, who are we televising to? (as Rappel) The voices in my head. (as Lex) Mine, too.
(Santa is shown eating steak that Grizelda has prepared)
Rappel: Santa's having a beef with his manager, and Dingle is having a problem with his warmups.
(Dingle appears to be lying in a tanning booth which shorts, and Dingle is shocked)
NC: Well, at least we know the writers of (poster of...) Vampires Suck are still getting work.
Lex: Santa and Dingle will bowl one ball. Winner takes all.
NC (vo): It's like that Super Bowl where one touchdown wins. The movie's called "Elf Bowling"! We can't actually focus that much on elf bowling in it!
(While nobody is seeing, the penguins snatch the two elf pins on the sides and take their places)
NC (vo): The penguins replace two of the elves as part of their plan to cheat.
(As Dingle prepares to bowl, the elves are teasing him, including the penguins. Dingle gets annoyed and...stretches his neck so he could threaten the penguins. NC shudders in shock)
NC (vo; as Lex): Dingle seems to be stretching his neck in a terrifying nature I can only assume came from Satan, Prince of Darkness. (as Rappel) Oh, yeah, that's definitely Beelzebub.
(Dingle throws the ball, but misses all the pins, so the penguins knock down all the elves by themselves)
NC (vo): Eh, too bad those pins can't talk and say what happened...wait. Those pins should talk and say what happened.
(It's Santa's turn, and he successfully makes a strike...until the penguins rise up, which makes Dingle the winner)
NC (vo): The penguins cheat again, making it look like Santa lost.
Santa: (saddened) Well, I...I guess you beat me, Dingle.
NC: (looking concerned) Please don't use the phrase "beat me, Dingle" again.
(Lex finds the two tied-up elves the penguins have replaced, so Dingle is booed by the elves while Santa is declared the winner. Enraged, Dingle and the penguins plan their revenge on everybody at the bar)
NC (vo): But it's revealed he cheated, and Santa ends up winning. So, I guess that's it for the movie...oh, wait, there's still 40 minutes left. Joy.
Dingle: Are there any questions?
Penguin: Hey, look, boss. I can do your mom.
(With his fingers, he somehow forms a shadow of a woman next to an annoyed Dingle)
NC: (facepalming) ...You know exactly what you said.
(Dingle sings on the stage with a hat and a cane while the penguins are dancing behind)
NC (vo; sighs): Oh, yay, another song.
Dingle: (singing) I love a mutiny. / Backstabbing, betrayal, yeah, that's for me...
NC: If I pretend this isn't needles in my ballsack, will you end faster?
NC (vo; as Dingle): Just for that, another verse!
(Onscreen, NC makes an annoyed sound)
Santa: (speaking into a horn to elves) Christmas is in two weeks, and we're still short six billion toys! Oh, ya swabs are killing me!
NC: (as Santa, with the shot from 1966 How the Grinch Stole Christmas! being shown) Just cross the Whos off the list. They're kind of odd. They probably won't mind.
(The penguins press the buttons on the remote controls which results in breaking of the machines in the factory)
NC (vo): The penguins sabotage the machines, and the head elf gets blamed for it.
Santa: (to Lex) First, you lose count of the toys. Then, you short the machines. Now, you blast me girlfriend's strudel?!
NC: (as Lex) Hey, she came on to me! I mean, uh...I didn't do any of that.
(Later, Dingle knocks on Santa's door to tell him that Lex is trapped on the ice floe. Santa runs to the floe, only to discover it's actually one of the penguins. Meanwhile, the machine that was rigged by the penguins starts burning)
NC (vo): The head elf quits after being insulted, but Dingle tells Santa he ran out onto the ice and needs to be saved. Santa finds out he's been fooled, and machine at the workshop has a few...um, hiccups.
(Seeing that the factory is blowing up, Santa bellows in shock and despair...and is hit by a wave, which freezes him in a block of ice while he had hands on his cheeks)
NC (vo; as Santa): Remember always that my favorite movie was Home Alone!
(The penguins demolish the monument of Santa made out of snow)
NC: Yeah, then things got awkward when they posted the "Mission Accomplished" banner.
(Dingle writes a fake note that says "All elves stink, especially Lex! Sincerely, Santa" and leaves it on Santa's door. The elves look distraught, but then see Dingle and the penguins doing a dance that is...suggestive, to say the least)
NC (vo): Dingle makes it look like Santa betrayed them, and the elves go on strike. Dingle suggests, or rather...sings about a new spot they should head to.
Dingle: (singing, as the harp is playing as the BGM) Elves have never sailed the seven seas-es...
NC: Okay, the music is clearly accompanying a different song. And how is that...
(The title cards for the three previous NC reviews are shown)
(The metal plane with all the elves, Dingle and the penguins onboard takes off to Fiji)
Elves: (chanting) Fiji! Fiji!
NC (vo): They agree to go to Fiji, and on the fly, one of the passengers hears that Dingle will probably become a millionaire.
(A busty woman named Veronica Kim starts to flirt with Dingle to find out what he will be doing on Fiji)
Veronica: How about you set up your new workshop at my personal resort in Fiji?
NC: As you can tell, she clearly needs to marry into money.
(Everybody is shown Veronica's Villa, the resort Veronica was talking about)
NC (vo): She gives him a spot to make the toys and...
(Sudden cut to native people chanting and drumming)
Natives: (singing) Ooh-la, ooh-la, Fiji is a-cool-a...
NC: Does every fart have to have a song attached to it?!
NC (vo): You know what doesn't have a song in this? Elf bowling. The name of the goddamn movie and, apparently, what this story is about! But everything is so forced and impractical, you're probably reenacting Edvard Munch's Christmas card here.
(Back to the frozen Santa, we see Grizelda in the sleigh flying down to her husband)
Grizelda: Santa! I'm coming, Santa!
(Grizelda blows to thaw out the block of ice, and Santa's heart starts glowing)
NC (vo): His warm heart literally melts the ice...
NC: (smiling sheepishly) Though, let's be honest, something else probably broke through first.
(Santa and Grizelda kiss after the ice melts)
NC (vo): Thus, Santa and his wife are reunited.
Santa: (sits into the sleigh) Dingle, you better watch out, you surly clown, 'cause Santa Claus is comin' to town! (He flies into the sky...leaving his wife behind. No, really)
NC: (as Santa) With a machete and a lot of garbage bags!
(Dingle opens a fun house that is actually a sweatshop, where Lex discovers the elves are hypnotized by the spinning wheel into doing toys for Dingle and Veronica)
NC (vo): Dingle rebuilds the place as a sweatshop, where he hypnotizes the elves to make the toys against their will.
Dingle: (to Lex) Yeah, well, Santa is in the Frozen Fruit Isle, and you're about to check out!
Veronica: (standing in front of a cash register) Price check on minced elf meat. (giggles)
NC: (as Veronica) I got this cash register just for that joke. I like wasting my spare time.
(Dingle takes Lex's crystal orb and blasts him right through the wall)
NC (vo): Dingle steals the orb and zaps the elf with it, which calls for...what else?...another goddamn song.
Dingle: (singing while rolling the orb like a globe) Slavery makes the world go round...
NC: (smiles) I'm immediately uncomfortable with this one, so I'm just skipping it!
(The rest of the song sequence is rewinded. Just as Santa arrives in Fiji, Dingle uses the orb to make the stone heads on the island come alive and turn into humanoid creatures that bury Santa in the sand, leaving only his head. Lex sees his former boss)
NC (vo): Santa tries to stop them, but Dingle uses the orb to make stone bodyguards and bury Santa in the sand.
Lex: Santa? What are you doing here?
NC: (as Santa) An impression of Ted Danson from Creepshow. What do you think I'm doing?!
(Santa and Lex befriend the tribe's chief, and the latter distracts the stone creature with...making a female from the burning fire while Santa and Lex sneak into the sweatshop)
NC (vo): He gets him free, and the chief of the island uses his music to... (sighs) I guess, make a lady in the fire. Eh, nothing surprises me anymore.
Stone Creature: (mesmerized, dancing with the fire lady) Oh, so burny.
(Cut to an obvious clip from The Hunchback of Notre Dame)
Claude Frollo: (singing) Like fire-
NC (vo): They get inside and snap the elves out of their hypnosis by just spinning the wheel the other way. I have to admit, that's a little funny.
Lex: Dingle tricked us. He wrote that letter, not Santa.
(The elves get angry at this)
NC: (as the elf) I trusted that guy who literally had hundreds of years of crimes under his belt!
Lex: Let's get him, elves!
(All the elves walk...or rather, slump out of the sweatshop to say a few words to Dingle)
Elves: Dingle sucks! Dingle sucks!
NC: (as the elf) This time, our angry march is actually because we're angry. (The previous clip of the annoyed elves approaching Santa in an army formation is shown) Doing things for reasons feels good!
(Dingle tries to flee on Santa's sleigh, so Santa has to grab it behind. Meanwhile, Veronica sees Grizelda, who actually took a taxi to Fiji)
NC (vo): Santa chases his brother, while his wife and the owner of the resort...
NC: Well...I'm just gonna take a wild guess and say they're not above a catfight.
(Both ladies are shown to be grunting, but it's just Veronica doing some karate kicks and Grizelda attempting to block. Cut to a clip from Seinfeld episode "The Summer of George")
Kramer: Yeah, yeah, catfight!
(In the middle of the fight, Grizelda forces Veronica to eat her strudels)
NC (vo): She puts her strudel in her mouth...
NC: (puts his head on his right hand) At this point, I don't care how you take that.
(Lex somehow regains control of his orb, and it shocks Dingle in the sleigh above, making him fall. Santa catches him)
NC (vo): ...while the head elf uses his sudden magical powers to get the orb to shock Dingle. So...now what?
Dingle: I'm making a second public challenge. (speaks into a horn) I propose Santy and me bowl for Christmas again!
NC: (grins mischievously) Ah, I see what you did there. (stops smiling) You did horribly and wasted the time of everybody involved, (resumes grinning) but I see what you did there.
(They make the bowling alley, but before Santa can take the coconut as a ball, one of Dingle's penguins switches it with a bomb)
NC (vo): So they do elf bowling again, and, once again, Dingle tries to cheat. Christ, does every game need James Randi to oversee it?!
(The elf pins gasp after seeing the coconut ball is a bomb...and the explosion occurs)
NC: (as Santa) Well, the elves are dead, so I think that counts as a strike.
(The elves are actually just charred with smoke coming out)
NC (vo): Actually, they're somehow untouched, which, once again, concludes that Dingle wins.
Chief: Bowl-a, bowl-a, wait! (takes out the two penguins) Dingle cheated!
NC: (as the elf) What...you mean coconuts don't explode?! Well, I don't know what to believe anymore!
(Santa wins, and Dingle is lifted up by a firework rocket that explodes once in the sky)
NC (vo): So, once again, they hand victory to Santa, Dingle gets his comeuppance, and they're allowed to drop off the toys on Christmas. They even swing by the North Pole one more time.
(Santa and Lex are flying over the North Pole)
Lex: Watch this, Santa.
NC (vo; as Lex): I'm gonna kill any survivors!
(Lex throws the glowing orb on the factory, and its magical powers restore it)
NC (vo): The workshop is restored...kinda wondering why they didn't just do that earlier...and they fly on.
Santa: Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of...
Lex: (clears throat) He means... (speaks to the camera) Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
(The movie ends)
NC: (as Lex) That is, if you haven't turned off your DVD players already. (Beat) We're assuming you have. (speaks normally) Here's that picture of Santa with a machine gun again. (The "NRA Santa" photo appears once more) Hey, it was cooler than anything in this!
(The clips from the film are played once more as NC says his closing thoughts)
NC (vo): It probably goes without saying, but this is not a very good film. Its humor is either too childish for adults, too adult for children, or too stupid for both. The animation isn't that great, though, weirdly, I can't say it's the worst Christmas animation I've seen, and it just feels like it was written in minutes to cash in on an already fading zeitgeist. It's not the worst Christmas special, but it's so disoriented and lazily written, that there's very little to get out of it. It's not the worst waste of time, but it's definitely not a fun waste of time. It's just a waste of time.
NC: And that's it for December. (looks around) As well as this studio, too. I hope you guys have a really good year, and whatever changes come your way, I hope you make the best of them. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.
(He gets up and leaves...to the completely empty room which was used for the props to pick up his regular jacket that was hanging on a doorknob. As NC goes to the exit door, changing into his regular jacket and carrying the Christmas one, it's revealed that the main room of the studio is also empty. NC turns the lights off, gives one final look to his former residence...and closes the door. After the echo of the door closing fades out, the end credits roll)
Santa Christ (vo): Ho, ho, ho! Did he forget to have a December without Santa Christ? Aww. And I had a good story arc and everything. I headed to a wormhole in the sky and woke up in 1961 as Bobo the astro chimp. I had to make sure this budding astronaut made the space program, or I'd die under cruel animal testing. I had to drink caterpillar juice, and crap myself, and fumble through space testing, and everything! (Beat) But I guess that wasn't good enough for you, was it? Ho-ho, I guess. Wait till Mrs. Christ hears about this.
Channel Awesome tagline - Penguin: Hey, look, boss. I can do your mom.