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Elf
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Release Date
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December 7, 2022
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Running Time
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29:46
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Previous Review
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Video
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(Open on the Channel Awesome logo, followed by the NC title sequence.)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it, so you don’t have to. (looks at his phone) December? I should change.
(He magically transforms into his Christmas-themed outfit. He then smiles creepily while ominous music plays in the background.)
NC: Question nothing. The answers would disturb you. (normal) Anyway, I'm excited because the Christmas season is back in full swing, and you know what that means!
(Santa Christ appears in the doorway while an instrumental of his theme plays.)
SC: Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!
NC: There, Santa Christ's band appears. Onto the review.
(NC shoves Santa Christ away, but the bearded man stops the door from closing on him.)
SC: Actually, can you do old SC a favor?
NC: Damn it. I knew this was more than a cameo.
Santa Christ: One of my discip-elves has always wanted to see the world.
(Said elf (Tamara) suddenly pops up.)
Elf: Hi! I'm Betty!
NC: (not interested) Congrats. Follow your dreams and leave me out of it. (turns to leave)
SC: She wants to learn how the real world operates!
NC: Dude, I make my living on the Internet, the exact opposite of the real world.
Betty: But think of all the comically cute possibilities!
(SC nods.)
NC: (sighs) I guess something funny could come of this.
SC: Good! See you in a week! (leaves)
NC: A week?!
(Malcolm appears next to NC.)
Malcolm: Hey, who's this?
Betty: I'm Betty, the discip-elf. (looking at TV) Is this your TV?
NC: Um...yeah.
Betty: (excited) Oh, we don't have TVs at the North Jerusalem! (gasps and picks up TV remote) Is this your magic wand to turn it on?
Malcolm: I guess you could call it that...
(Betty turns the TV on. An episode of SpongeBob SquarePants is currently on.)
Betty: (sighs) It's like a flat Christmas pageant, but they talk about things other than Christmas!
Malcolm: You know, I'm not gonna lie. This is kind of adorable.
NC: Yeah. I wonder why Santa Christ was so eager to get rid of her.
(Offscreen, Betty starts laughing uncontrollably like a maniac.)
Betty: The yellow sponge is talking.
(She laughs some more, then the sound of canned laughter and applause is heard. NC and Malcolm are startled.)
NC: Where the hell'd that come from?!
(Betty has moved on. This time, she is holding a pen.)
Betty: Wow! What is this amazing invention I see before me?
NC: (sharply) IT'S A PEN!!!
Betty: Wow! We only write with the spit of blueberry fairies.
Malcolm: (confused) Really?
Betty: Yes, and the feather of a reindeer angel for the quill.
Malcolm: Maybe she just had a random spazz attack earlier.
Betty: (excited) YAAAAAY!!! Pens are great! YAAAAAY!!!
(She spins around in circles. More canned laughter and applause is heard.)
NC: What is going on here?! Why is she acting so crazy?! And what's with that laugh track?!
(Malcolm looks at the Internet Movie Database on this phone.)
Malcolm: Well, it looks like before she was a discip-elf, she worked on Saturday Night Live.
NC: Oh...So sometimes she's entertaining us, and other times...
Malcolm: She's entertaining a live audience.
(Betty walks into the room, carrying candy canes in both hands.)
Betty: This is the happiest day of my life! And when I'm happy, I fart candy canes. Here you go.
(She hands the candy canes to NC and Malcolm.)
NC: Wow. I mean, that's atrocious, but it's loving, too.
Malcolm: Maybe we were too rough on her.
(Betty is suddenly heard laughing again, causing the two of them to drop the candy canes. She runs up and down the hall, screaming.)
Malcolm: I hate her.
NC: Good. You can have an emotional argument with her.
(NC taps Malcolm on the shoulder, then walks offscreen.)
Malcolm: Wait! I don't wanna be the one to look after her! Why can't you do it?!
(NC suddenly grabs Betty by her scarf. He glares at her and she smiles back at him creepily as a dramatic chord plays. Then he looks sourly at Malcolm again.)
Malcolm: Okay, I'll look after her.
(Betty runs up to Malcolm. NC starts to walk down the hall.)
Betty: What's that?!
Malcolm: My hand!
(Betty laughs crazily. NC continues to walk down the hall. He finally sits down in his chair and begins the review.)
NC: Okay, so I'm really not shocked if somebody didn't like Elf.
(As he speaks above, the poster for the movie appears in the corner. Cut to the title, followed by clips of the movie are shown.)
NC (vo): The 2003 smash hit put both Will Ferrell and Jon Favreau as unlikely cinematic drawings. The simple concept about an elf who's really a grown human being going to New York to find his dad sounds harmless enough, and to many, it was. It won over a fair amount of adults and definitely a ton of kids, mainly from Will Ferrell's larger-than-life performance. But after years of being overplayed, overquoted, and yes, over-shouted by millions of kids, the movie got on a lot of people's nerves. I remember seeing it and not really liking the movie as much as Ferrell's performance. Now, looking back almost twenty years later, it's both a little better and a little worse than I remember. Bottom line: When the movie is trying to be (The poster for the following is shown...) Big, a clear influence, I think it's pretty likable. When it's trying to be early 2000s SNL (A shot of Will Ferrell and Cheri Oteri from the Saturday Night Live "Spartan Cheerleader" sketch is shown.), it's kind of a pain. As silly as it looks, it actually is an interesting film to look over, and that's what we're gonna do today.
NC: (sourly) That is, (sighs) if I don't get interrupted.
(NC gets up and glances down the hallway.)
Betty: What's that?
Malcolm: That's you.
(Betty laughs crazily.)
NC: But the kids love her. Let's take a look at Elf.
NC (vo): Bob Newhart plays Papa Elf, and right off the bat, I can say while the story is fine, I don't think the writing is that great.
(Cut to a shot of Newhart pretending to talk on a phone.)
NC (vo): Newhart can literally get a laugh pretending to be on the phone. He's perfected the art of saying "Uh" better than Goldblum.
(As he speaks, an image of Jeff Goldblum is shown. An audience gasp is heard.)
NC (vo): I know what I said!
(Back to Elf.)
NC (vo): Here, I'm ready to laugh at anything funny he says, and they literally give him nothing funny to say. You wasted your new heart!
Papa Elf: Another interesting...um..."elf-ism"... Uh, there are only three jobs available to an elf.
NC: I feel like I'm watching (An image of Papa Elf is shown in the corner, along with the text "ELF YOURSELF TO MY JINGLE BELLS".) the geriatric porn parody. Except that would get more laughs!
NC (vo): The look of the film is pretty fun, though. It looks like they use CG only when they have to in this opening, and the rest of the time they either create sets satirizing the old Rudolph specials (A shot of Hermey and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer from the 1964 Christmas special is shown in the upper right corner.) or they even use stop-motion. Again, they almost never say anything funny, but (A photoshopped image of a man with Ray Harryhausen's face on it pops up.) represent, I guess.
Nurse: (putting a baby in a crib) It's time to go to sleep.
NC (vo): At an orphanage, Santa, played by a sometimes terrifying Ed Asner...
(Dramatic music plays as Santa spots a table of cookies and milk. As he approaches it, he also spots the baby in the crib. He dramatically eats one of the cookies.)
NC (vo; as Santa): Huh, they didn't Chips Ahoy, so I'm taking the kid.
(The baby gets out of its crib and wanders into Santa's sack, which Santa then takes, unaware that there's a baby in there. Upon Santa's return to the North Pole, the baby crawls out.)
NC (vo): ...accidentally gets a baby in his bag and brings him to the North Pole.
Papa Elf: (narrating) Santa had a decision to make. Fortunately, when it comes to babies, Santa is a pushover.
NC (vo): Meanwhile, the orphanage had him illegally declared dead after a few years, but the opening credits are cuter shown on greeting cards (An image of a milk carton is shown, showing a MISSING poster with the baby in this movie.) than milk cartons. They name the baby "Buddy", as he grows up over the years through some surprisingly well-aged effects, until he eventually becomes Will Ferrell. And yeah, for most people, he's either what makes or breaks this film, and honestly, I find I like him when he's legit believable.
NC: Yes, I used the word "believable".
NC (vo): It's clear humans and elves age differently in this world. He's still in school with little kids as a grown man. So, most of the movie, he acts like a little kid, and when he plays that straight, it's kind of endearing.
(Papa Elf shows Buddy the sleigh.)
Buddy: I thought the magical reindeer made the sleigh for him.
Papa Elf: And where did the reindeer get their magic from?
Buddy: Christmas spirit. Everybody knows that.
NC (vo): I could easily see a little kid saying these lines that way. I'll also admit, I just find earnestness funny, and there are several times when his naïve optimism wins me over.
Papa Elf: A lot of people down south don't believe in Santa Claus.
Buddy: WHAT?!?
NC (vo): Everyone thinks the movie is nothing but him yelling, but there are plenty of moments where he acts – dare I say it – a tad subtle.
NC: (with resignation) With that said, there are plenty of moments where he does scream, and...they usually don't work.
(One such scene is shown: Buddy running through a department store's revolving door while yelling his head off.)
NC (vo): Some do. Thinking Santa is an impostor later in the movie? I buy that. This would be his reaction. But when he's told his biological father is on the Naughty List...
Buddy: NOOOOOOOOO!!!
(The camera pans over to Santa's Naughty List. One of the names is highlighted: Walter Hobbs.)
NC: That's not how a little kid would react. That's Will Ferrell being (mocking voice) wacky.
(Cut to a montage of clips NC's past reviews, all showing some of his many over-the-top reactions.)
NC (vo): And yeah, I'll be the first to say I'm one who's done a lot of over-the-top reactions and I'm just gonna guess in the fifteen years doing this, they haven't all worked.
NC: But the truth is, I do give credit to those who go big, because there is a lot to risk.
(We are shown a montage of comedic characters who are either quietly or loudly funny.)
NC (vo): A really quiet, subtle form of comedy is dry, respectable, and usually has a hard time getting noticed. Because of this, big reactions are seen as cheap, easy laughs. I get it. But that's the thing: if a quiet joke doesn't work, you usually don't risk that much. If a loud joke doesn't work, you look like an obnoxious ass! Not to say deadpan humor can't have its risk, but loud humor? You can lose your audience just as quickly as you can have them gravitate towards you.
(Cut back to Elf.)
NC (vo): So, I can't just dismiss when someone puts all their energy into a bit, but I can say when it wins me over and when it doesn't.
NC: And yeah, don't worry, we're still gonna address those moments.
(As he speaks above, an image of a man in a hard hat is shown with the message: "YOU GOTTA DO WHAT YOU GOTTA DO".)
NC (vo): Once Buddy discovers the truth, he decides he should go to New York to find his biological father. And I'll just say it: I don't understand this joke...
(As Buddy leaves the North Pole, he comes across a puffin and a walrus (both stop motion-animated) near a body of water. Buddy gets on an ice floe in the water for a boat. The puffin and walrus flee as the tusk of a narwhal (also stop motion-animated) rises out of the water. Buddy stares nervously.)
Narwhal: (waving) Bye, Buddy.
Buddy: Thanks, Mr. Narwhal.
NC: Yeah, I really thought...
NC (vo): ...Dr. Manhattan's dick was gonna rise up and kill him.
NC: Did I see him forget a punchline?
NC (vo): Buddy literally just walks from the North Pole to New York. Like I said, the story layout is pretty great. But I will admit, it could be a little meaner. Like this scene, where he tries to hug a raccoon.
(While walking through a forest, Buddy sees said raccoon and reaches his arms out to hug it. Instead, however, it jumps at Buddy and attacks him. Afterwards, he continues on his way, with no visible scratches on him or anything.)
NC: He should have scratches on his face and be walking with a limp.
NC (vo): That's what I mean by saying the writing needs to be a bit more cynical. Or how about this scene, where he gets to New York and naturally, you get a montage of all the things he doesn't understand?
(In New York, Buddy gets a shoeshine, much to his delight. He laughs as his elf shoes are being polished.)
NC: To me, him laughing isn't that funny. What is funny is, how is he gonna pay for that shoeshine?
NC (vo): Imagine him saying he doesn't know what money is, or he tries to pay him with a hug or candy or something, and the guy whoops his ass or chases after him. That would have been hilarious! So many of these jokes are mistaking the setup for the payoff, and it does get distracting time to time.
(Buddy spots a department store, Gimbels, on the opposite corner and walks out into the street toward, getting hit by a taxicab in the process. Buddy ends up on the cab's hood as it stops abruptly.)
NC: Yes! More of that, please!
NC (vo): On that note, a lot of these scenes do feel kind of like dated prank videos and... Okay, let's just start it: here's a count of all the moments that scarred parents because their kids try to reenact it in real life.
(As NC speaks above, an image of a boy in Buddy's elf costume is shown, along with the message "MOMENTS THAT SCARRED PARENTS BECAUSE THEIR KIDS TRY TO REENACT IT IRL". We are then shown one such moment: the aforementioned scene of Buddy running wildly through a department store revolving door while yelling crazily. The "MOMENTS THAT SCARRED PARENTS" message and the boy pop up again, with the number 1 added. After that, Buddy runs over to a nearby trashcan and throws up in it.)
NC: Don't think actual puking isn't included.
NC (vo): I hear some of this was improvised, which, again, really shows. I do feel like he has too much SNL in him at this point, which is fine for a live show, but here? Oh, who am I kidding? (An image of a New York street performer in an Elmo costume is shown.) This is subtle, compared to what other New Yorkers do.
(Buddy reaches the office building where his father supposedly works. Inside an elevator, he pushes a couple of floor buttons, then playfully runs his hand across all the buttons, activating all of them at once, much to the chagrin of another man on the elevator, who must now wait at every single floor before reaching his destination. The "MOMENTS THAT SCARRED PARENTS" message with the boy next to it pops up again, with the number 2 added. Then we see Walter Hobbs (James Caan) in his office on the 27th floor.)
NC (vo): He finally meets up with his dad, played by James Caan. And I'll admit, when I first saw it, I completely missed the comedic genius of this performance.
NC: When you're young, you're watching Ferrell. When you're older, you're watching Caan.
NC (vo): Remember when I said there's an art to subtle reactions? Well, I'll just say it: Caan masters that more than Ferrell masters loud reactions. Ferrell's humor is hit-and-miss in this; almost everything from Caan hits a perfect bullseye. If you were told he thought the camera wasn't rolling and this was his legit reaction to first seeing Ferrell in that costume...
Walter: (laughs upon seeing Buddy) All right, uh, let's get it over with.
NC: ...wouldn't you believe it?
NC (vo): James Caan looks like he's on his way to another set, and this goddamn Elf movie keeps screwing with him whenever he walks by. I don't even think he's knows he's in a movie. It's like A Bowfinger Christmas. Look at these reactions and tell me if they're not gold.
(A montage is shown of various reactions from Walter and Buddy. First, Hobbs looks at a picture of Papa Elf that Buddy has on him.)
Walter: Where did you get this picture?
Buddy: Papa Elf gave it to me.
(Walter stares. Now cut to Buddy in his father's bed, about to go to sleep.)
Buddy: Dad? (Walter turns to him.)
(Next, cut to Buddy running down a flight of stairs after Walter.)
Buddy: ...and go ice skating and...maybe even hold hands.
(Again, Walter stares. Now cut to Walter walking up to a Gimbels store display. Buddy is inside and sees his father.)
Buddy: (waving) Dad, hi!
NC: Remember...
(Cut to a clip of The Big Lebowski, showing Donny Kerabatsos (Steve Buscemi) watching the landlord's dance.)
NC (vo): ...Steve Buscemi watching that landlord's dance in The Big Lebowski?
NC: Imagine that's a whole performance.
NC (vo): He throws out Buddy, but he makes his way to a mall, where they, of course, mistake him as an employee at Santa's village. Again, you don't need much explaining there; that's surprisingly organic.
(Buddy is seen in the Gimbels perfume section. He sprays some perfume into his mouth.)
NC (vo): With that said, really, Ferrell, you don't need to try this hard.
(Buddy cries out in disgust after tasting it. He waves his hand in front of his mouth and jumps around, screaming. The "MOMENTS THAT SCARRED PARENTS" message with the boy next to it pops up again, with the number 3 added.)
NC: That one usually comes with a trip to the E.R.
(Later, Buddy puts one foot on a rising escalator. As the step his foot is on moves up, his legs and whole body stretch as he struggles to keep his other foot on the ground. The "MOMENTS THAT SCARRED PARENTS" message with the boy next to it pops up again, with the number 4 added.)
NC: That one, too.
NC (vo): And despite it being another scream, I do buy he would be excited Santa's coming there.
Store manager (Faizon Love): Santa's coming to town!
Buddy: (screaming in delight) SANTA!! (jumps around) OH, MY GOD!
NC (vo): Yeah, okay, get five up there.
(The "MOMENTS THAT SCARRED PARENTS" message with the boy next to it pops up again, with the number 5 added.)
NC: But you do need to cut away faster, 'cause it is almost looking like a horror film.
Store manager: (creeped out by Buddy's smile) Why are you smiling like that?
Buddy: I just like to smile. Smiling's my favorite.
(He smiles creepily at the store manager, who stares in confusion. The sound of a horror sting is heard, while the camera zooms in on Buddy's creepy smile. Then we dissolve briefly to a clip of The Room.)
Denny: (smiling creepily at Lisa) Can I kiss you?
(Then Buddy runs into another store employee also dressed like an elf, whose nametag reads that the employee is named Jovie (Zooey Deschanel). She looks unhappy as she decorates a tree in the store.)
NC (vo): Speaking of which, Zooey Deschanel's nightmare eyes are in this, too.
(Buddy stares at her. To a dramatic sting (added in by NC), she turns to him, wide-eyed.)
Jovie: Are you enjoying the view?
NC: (startled) Oh, my God! She...
(The clip of Jovie turning to Buddy is shown again, in slow-motion. The poster for The Happening is shown off to the side.)
NC (vo): ...should've been the scary thing in The Happening. In fact...
(The poster for Elf is shown alongside the Happening poster, with the words "HORROR" and "COMEDY", respectively, on top of them. They then switch places, so that "COMEDY" is now on top of the Happening poster and "HORROR" on top of the Elf poster.)
NC (vo): ...you sure these genres weren't switched?
Jovie: I'm just trying to get through the holidays.
NC (vo): This is Jovie, and she has the holiday blues, but Buddy tells her all she needs to do is sing to lift her spirits.
Buddy: (singing) ♫ I'm singing! I'm in a store, and I'm singing! ♫
(The "MOMENTS THAT SCARRED PARENTS" message with the boy next to it pops up again, with the number 6 added.)
NC: Being a parent in a world with this movie is hard.
NC (vo): Buddy does get a chance to hear her sing as she showers in the ladies' room.
(Buddy sneaks into the ladies' room to hear her sing.)
Jovie: ♫ What's in this drink? ♫
Buddy: ♫ No cabs to be had out there... ♫
NC: (crosses arms and shakes head) Welp, I can't enjoy this problematic scene. Oh, not 'cause...
NC (vo): ...there's a man watching a woman shower; that's fine, but because she's singing "Baby, It's Cold Outside". Enjoy voting for Trump, movie! On that note, again, this is totally a horror film.
(The scene of Buddy sneaking into the ladies' room to listen as she sings in the shower, with him joining in, is replayed, but with ominous horror movie music added in. As we cut back to NC, he nervously gestures toward a poster for the 2016 Christmas horror movie The Elf in the corner.)
NC: You sure I didn't put on this Elf?
NC (vo): But it's cool. She forgives him ridiculously fast.
Jovie: You sure it had nothing to do with the fact that I was naked in the shower?
Buddy: I didn't know you were naked.
NC: (as Buddy) We elves all shower together. (beat) Regardless of sex. (another beat) In warm milk. It's kind of a cult.
NC (vo): Well, anyway...
Jovie: (noticing the store has way more decorations than usual) You built this? (Buddy nods.) They're kind of pissed about this.
Buddy: Really?
NC (vo): Uh, no, let's go back to the shower thing, 'cause, okay, on the one hand, I'm glad they didn't waste too much screen time on this; it might have gotten a little boring. But on the other hand, HE WAS WATCHING HER SHOWER!! She got past this way too quick!
(At Gimbels, Santa shows up for the kids, laughing crazily. The kids all cheer, as does Buddy.)
NC (vo): Santa apparently arrives, but he [Buddy] doesn't put together it's all an act for the kids and gets angry at the imposter.
NC: Again, I think this scene because it's believable and...yeah, a little mean.
Buddy: (to the department store Santa) How can you live with yourself?
Store Santa: Just cool it, Zippy!
Buddy: (whispering) You sit on a throne of lies.
(The "MOMENTS THAT SCARRED PARENTS" message with the boy next to it pops up again, with the number 7 added.)
NC: Yeah, but that one's pretty funny. I'll let it slide.
(Buddy rips the beard off of the store Santa. The kids, horrified, all scream in terror at what Buddy did. Buddy waves the beard in the air.)
Buddy: HE'S AN IMPOSTER!!
(That did it. The store Santa runs at Buddy and tackles him. Jovie stares blankly. Buddy and the store Santa get into a fight, trashing the Lego display in the process. The kids stop screaming and instead start laughing and cheering the fight on.)
NC (vo): I also dig how these kids are horrified, but then start cheering when it gets violent. Again, they can see real comedy, too.
(Buddy knocks the store Santa down and points accusingly at him as a security guard runs up.)
Buddy: Not Santa Claus!
Guard: (running up) Not so fast!
Buddy: It's not Santa!
NC: Are you sure? Because strangely, the best Santa Clauses are violent.
(We cut to a commercial break and the sponsor. Upon return from the break, the movie resumes with Buddy having been arrested for his disorderly conduct at the store.)
NC (vo): Buddy's dad bails him out of prison. Yeah, they cut the scene where he encounters a male prostitute wearing the same outfit. And upon research, he realizes he might be the son he never knew he had.
(Buddy and Walter go to a doctor's office to find out if he really is Walter's son. The doctor emerges.)
Doctor (Jon Favreau): Okay.
NC (vo; as doctor): Hi, I'm the script doctor, but I think the way things are going, I'll be the director by the end of this.
(The doctor is trying to listen to Buddy's heart with his stethoscope, but Buddy won't cooperate.)
Buddy: (trying to take stethoscope) Can I listen to your necklace?
Doctor: (trying to pull away) No, you can't. Now would you sit still?
Buddy: (pointing toward a skeleton in the corner) Why is there a skeleton–
Doctor: I don't know. W-Walter, would you please keep him...
Buddy: (overlapping) Looks like a pirate.
NC: This is like a Rankin-Bass version of Rain Man.
(The doctor pricks Buddy's finger to do a blood test. In response, Buddy lets out a loud shriek of pain. Walter turns his head away from the camera. The camera zooms in on the back of his head as this happens.)
NC (vo): Fun fact: Caan apparently turned his head away from the camera because he was laughing so hard here. Again, I feel like this film is doing something right.
(Moments later, the doctor goes to Walter with the news.)
Doctor: It's a boy.
NC (vo): When the blood test shows he is in fact his son, he takes him in to live with his family, led by Mary Steenburgen again desperately trying to elevate (An image of Steenburgen as Clara Clayton from Back to the Future Part III is shown in the corner.) the afterthought role she was given.
(At the Hobbs home, Buddy is having dinner with his new family.)
Emily Hobbs (Steenburgen): (to Buddy) You like sugar, huh?
Buddy: We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns, and syrup.
(NC gestures toward the poster for this movie, but with Buddy looking morbidly obese as he holds a burger in one hand and a soda in the other.)
NC: I think the movie would look like this if that was true.
Walter: (to Emily) Are you crazy? He cannot stay.
Emily: Walter, he's your son.
NC: (as Walter) We don't even have enough money to put...
(The camera zooms in on the empty glasses at the dinner, with a bottle of Coca-Cola sitting next to them.)
NC (vo): ...soda in our glasses.
(Buddy lets out a loud, sustained belch at the table, which gets the attention of the Hobbs son, Michael (Daniel Tay). NC is disgusted.)
NC: Just put it on there.
(The "MOMENTS THAT SCARRED PARENTS" message with the boy next to it pops up again, with the number 8 added.)
NC (vo): After leaving the Zuul building... No, really, it's the Zuul building. (An image of Zuul/Dana and Vinz/Louis (the latter with Buddy's head) is shown in the corner.) Man, this could've been a different movie! ...Buddy hangs out with Michael, but is attacked with bullies by snowballs.
(The bullies pelt Buddy and Michael with so many snowballs that they take cover first under a bridge, then behind some rocks.)
NC: Jesus, there wasn't as much flying weaponry in Black Hawk Down!
NC (vo): I guess they used all the good effects in the opening, because...
(In cartoonish rapid-fire succession, Buddy throws several snowballs at the bullies ridiculously fast.)
NC: Don't worry, Favreau will get (The poster for the live-action remake of The Lion King is shown off to the side.) much better effects in the future, and all it'll cost him is a good movie.
(The bullies flee, but one isn't fast enough, and Buddy hurls one last snowball at him as he runs. The snowball hits him and knocks him to the ground. Cut to a clip of an episode of The Simpsons.)
Principal Skinner (voice of Harry Shearer): Copyright expired.
(Cut back to Elf, as Walter takes Buddy to work the next day.)
NC (vo): His dad takes him to work, where we encounter Amy Sedaris, Kyle Gass, and Andy Richter, none of them allowed to be funny, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't like just seeing them.
(Walter is addressing Gass and Richter's characters, a pair of typewriters.)
Walter: My two typewriters, you came in here pitching the idea of hiring another writer.
Typist (Richter): Yeah.
NC: (as this typist) Also, I'm trying to become a thing. (A news article in the Chicago Tribune headlining Richter leaving Conan O'Brien's show is shown in the corner.) Please help me become a thing!
NC (vo): He gets the mail room dancing to "Whoomp! There It Is", because we're 1993, but again, it's worth it for Caan's underreaction.
(Walter's phone rings and he answers it. He hears the sound of "Whoomp! There It Is" playing and people cheering. The song plays in the mail room, where Buddy dances crazily on a table, much to the delight of everyone else there. Walter listens in silence, then hangs up, not saying a word. A buzzer is heard.)
NC: It cut away before he stormed off set. Admit it, (points to screen) every scene looks like that's about to happen!
NC (vo): Buddy finally works up the nerve to ask Jovie out, and I guess their chemistry is pretty weak, because I didn't even remember them going out in this. I'll give Zooey credit: she is trying hard to make all these scenes that would turn every woman away look charming and delightful.
(Buddy runs around in a revolving door while Jovie looks on in delight.)
Buddy: The trick is to not get your arm caught in the door! Okay, when you feel comfortable...
NC: She's thinking, "Okay, in the final version, they are gonna CG him out with an alien, right?"
(As he speaks above, an image of the Elf poster is shown, but with ALF replacing Buddy and the "E" in "Elf" turned upside-down so it looks like it reads "Alf" instead. For good measure, the tagline now reads, "THIS HOLIDAY, DISCOVER YOUR INNER ALF.")
NC (vo): The next day, a big-time writer named Miles Finch, played by Peter Dinklage, tries to help Buddy's father with his dwindling business. And I won't lie, I had a ton of jokes ready about why this scene wouldn't age well.
(Buddy runs into the office and spots Miles. He points to him.)
Buddy: I didn't know you had elves working here.
NC: (massages forehead) But...it actually held up better than I thought.
NC (vo): It works because there's two polar opposite mindsets fighting each other, and both are funny. You got Ferrell earnest thinking he's met someone from home and being really, really kind, and Dinklage thinking he's mocking him and honestly acting like a saint for the early moments.
Miles: You're... You're hilarious, my friend.
Buddy: Does Santa know that you left the workshop?
Miles: You know, we're all laughing our heads off.
NC: Then you got Dinklage snapping and going after him, and Ferrell completely...
NC (vo): ...confused about why this is happening. Why is his friend from home ripping him to shreds for his compliments? Add Caan's performance, who has more layers in his reactions than creases on his forehead, and you get a pretty hilarious moment.
Walter: (to Miles, who storms out) He thinks he's an elf.
NC: Yeah! That'll fix it up! Sometimes, this movie just works!
(Walter yells at Buddy for ruining his career. Buddy is hurt by what he heard and runs away.)
NC (vo): Maybe the writing in this is better than I thought. It's not like they used the three laziest words in plot exposition.
(Think again, NC, for those three words are heard during Walter's meeting with the chief executive of the publishing company and the board of directors.)
Publishing company executive: (to Walter) As you know, we need a big launch fast.
(As we cut back to NC, the poster for this movie is shown.)
NC: Back in the shit pile!
(He pretends to press a button, and the poster drops down, leaving a trail of a brown stench, along with the sounds of flatulence and a toilet flushing. In the movie, suddenly, Michael runs into the conference room.)
Michael: Dad!
Walter: What is it?
Michael: Buddy ran away.
(Walter stares in silence.)
NC (vo; as Walter): Thank God! Oh, I mean...thank God!
Publishing company executive: If you want to keep your job, Hobbs, you will pitch me this book right now.
NC (vo): We get that lame "your family or your job" scene...
(Disgusted at being mistreated, Walter runs off, but the publishing executive does not take it well.)
Executive: (yelling at Walter as he runs down the hall) Hobbs, you walk out of here, and-and you're finished at Greenway! YOU'RE FINISHED!!
NC: (as the executive) Where I may forever be a guy in a suit behind a desk for every movie I'm in!
NC (vo): ...and they search for Buddy.
(A forlorn Buddy walks down the street, then up to the edge of the Brooklyn Bridge and looks out over the edge to the bay below.)
NC (vo; as Clarence the angel): Don't do it, George, you have a wonderful life. (as George Bailey) That's Buddy, Clarence. (as Clarence) Oh, screw it, he can jump.
(Suddenly, Buddy spots Santa's sleigh having crash-landed in Central Park.)
NC (vo): He randomly runs into Santa, whose sleigh is running low on magic because not enough people are believing.
Santa: Will you fix it for me, Buddy?
Buddy: I'll try.
NC (vo): Okay, so I am impressed how quickly this film went by, like when we got to this point, I was kind of shocked we were here already.
NC: But on that note, this climax kind of drags.
NC (vo): They're stuck in a visually dull area. We're either just looking at people looking at a sled or looking at people looking at people looking at a sled or looking at people looking at people looking at people looking at a sled! Why is this exciting?!
Walter: I know you may be a little...chemically imbalanced, (Buddy smiles.) but you've been right about a lot of things.
NC: That's a look Ferrell gives after being called "chemically imbalanced" a lot.
NC (vo): Oh, and we randomly have villains all of a sudden!
TV news reporter: Only the Central Park Rangers now remain in the park.
(Ominous music is heard (added in by NC), as the Central Park Rangers, the aforementioned out-of-nowhere villains, show up on horseback. Lightning flashes and thunder crashes behind them.)
Santa: (stunned) Central Park Rangers...
TV news reporter: These forces are highly trained, but rarely see action. (The Rangers charge at Santa's group.) Some accuse them of being gung-ho when called into duty.
NC: Did Favreau think this was his first Marvel movie? I wish (An image of Ivan Venko from Iron Man 2 is shown in the corner.) Mickey Rourke was this threatening in Iron Man 2!
(As the Rangers bear down on Santa and Buddy, they take off in Santa's sleigh, but there isn't enough power for the reindeer to go airborne.)
NC (vo; as one of the Rangers): Quick, men, throw your flaming pumpkins at him!
(Meanwhile, as a crowd of people gather outside Central Park, Michael runs up to Jovie.)
Michael: Buddy! He's– He's in a park with Santa. The sleigh won't fly, because there's no Christmas spirit.
(Jovie stares at him in wide-eyed confusion.)
NC: There's no Christmas spirit because...
(The camera zooms in on Jovie's expression as Michael talks to her. An ominous sting is heard.)
NC (vo): ...people are terrified of Zooey's death glare!
NC: Your eyes are like Cyclops'! (An image of Cyclops from an X-Men movie is shown, firing a laser blast from his eyes.) Keep 'em closed, keep 'em closed!
(When Jovie doesn't respond fast enough for Michael's liking, he starts to leave and runs into another woman.)
Michael: It's the real Santa. He needs our help!
(The woman turns and walks away in disbelief. Just then, however, Jovie walks up to Michael again.)
Jovie: Hey, Michael, are you okay?
NC: Zooey, you can tell us: you thought this movie was gonna bomb, didn't you? That's why you're phoning in this third act.
Jovie: The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear. (turns to the crowd and starts singing) ♫ You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout... ♫
(The crowd hears her and all turn to listen to her, their murmuring falling silent.)
NC: My God, such a booming voice of indifference would silence any New York street corner on Christmas Eve!
NC (vo): She gets everybody singing, and the news records it, because...they don't report the news anymore, they just kind of leave the camera on and hope something happens! (The logos for CNN, Fox News and MSNBC are all inserted.) Eh, it's not that far-fetched. But Buddy's dad's refusal to sing is the only thing stopping the sleigh from taking flight, because Elf, I don't know.
(Santa and Buddy still try to get the sleigh airborne as the Central Park Rangers close in on them. Eventually, however, Walter reluctantly joins in singing with the crowd.)
Walter and crowd: ♫ Santa Claus is coming to town! ♫
(As if on cue, as Santa's sleigh approaches from behind and with the Rangers about to get Santa, the reindeer finally take flight in the nick of time, right behind and over Walter.)
NC: Yeah, (An image of Walter being beheaded by the reindeer is shown in the corner.) one Caan decapitation later!
(Santa and Buddy drive the sleigh over the streets of New York City, Buddy laughing. The crowd of people stare in awe as the Rangers approach from behind and come to a stop, defeated. A few shots of the crowd are shown, including one of a baby.)
NC: (shrugs) Guess somebody asked for the Polar Express soundtrack this Christmas.
(An image of the Polar Express soundtrack CD is shown. Then, as we cut back to NC, an image of the wide-eyed Jovie from earlier is shown in the corner.)
NC: I knew Deschanel was a CG puppet in all this.
NC (vo): Santa delivers a merry Christmas, Buddy's dad writes a children's book that becomes a slightly less annoying (A promo image for a Broadway musical version of Elf is inserted.) Broadway musical, and the two main characters' complete lack of chemistry gives birth to a baby girl.
(Buddy and Jovie had returned to the North Pole and reunited with Papa Elf. It's there that they have their baby girl, Susie. Outside, we see a snowman named Leon, who bears a striking resemblance to Sam the Snowman from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.)
NC (vo; as Leon): Oh, uh, I was in this. I don't know, I wasn't funny. Bye!
(And the movie ends with an iris-out on Leon's head. The iris-out briefly pauses as Leon winks to the camera.)
NC: And that was Elf. I get why a lot of people don't like it; there's a lot of things I don't like about it. But it works just enough for me.
(Footage from the film plays as NC gives his closing thoughts.)
NC (vo): Yes, the writing could be a lot funnier, and it has its fair share of awkward moments, but the performances of Ferrell and Caan do...eventually pull it through. When Ferrell seems sincere, it really works, and when he reaches too far for a joke, Caan is there to pull it back to where kids will laugh again. Make no mistake – if I had to watch it over and over year after year, it'd probably get on my nerves, too. But as a once-in-a-while flick, I think it's serviceable enough. It's not one of my personal favorites, but I remember having a good enough time where I say I'm not gonna watch this every year, but maybe every five years. Five – ten. Every ten years. Yeah, that – that sounds good.
NC: Speaking of which, how's our discip-elf doing?
(He gets up and leaves the room. He walks down the hall out into the main lobby – and discovers Betty getting married to...another woman (Heather)?! They hold hands as they exchange vows. Malcolm acts as the parson as he looks at a page of the Bible in his hands.)
Malcolm: I now pronounce you discip-elf and wife.
NC: (stunned) What the hell did I miss?!
Betty: Hey, Critic! This is Zoey. I met her today, and now we're married!
Zoey: Hello.
NC: (confused) You did all that in the past twenty minutes?
Zoey: It was love at first sight. (Betty nods.) She screamed, she stalked me in the shower, she screamed, she ran around in circles, she screamed. It was magic.
NC: And Malcolm, are you licensed to marry anyone?
Malcolm: No, (closes Bible) but they didn't seem to care.
Zoey: Come, darling, let me sing okayish, while you howl at the top of your lungs.
Betty: You have ears! (laughs crazily)
Zoey: (to NC) She's so romantic.
(They both magically disappear, much to NC and Malcolm's confusion.)
Malcolm: What, they can beam away?!
NC: I don't know.
Channel Awesome Tagline – Jovie: Hey, Michael, are you okay?