(We see Chester sitting in a comfy chair in some room as the tune of "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" plays.)
(speaking calmly) Greetings, my friends, and welcome to a "Bummy Christmas Review." (Cut it "Bummy Christmas Reviews" title card, back to Chester)
Let us venture into our very last Christmas film that we're reviewing, "Elf." (Cut to title card of it, back to Chester)
Really? This is the last one we're going out on, "Elf"?!
People either seem to love or hate Will Ferrell, and I-- Are you sure we wanna go out on this one? I mean--
I mean, okay. Let's talk about "Elf"! (pauses) There's Will Ferrell. (pauses) He's an elf. (pauses, then waves arms) Hijinks!
There's some other characters in the movie. They're boring.
(waves arms) Hijinks!
I'm sorry, but what do you say about this movie? I mean, it's not good, it's not bad, it's just... "Elf"!
Now if ALF was an elf, that would be awesome.
In fact, maybe he is. Maybe he was like an elf back on his original planet.
Where all their noses are ribbed for her pleasure.
I think they should remake "Elf" and make it with Alf!
In fact, "Elf" and Alf can have a giant battle together!
Alf can use all his alien ships and weaponry!
And "Elf" can use all the Satanic powers of Santa!
And "Elf" can be like, "You sit on a throne of lies!"
And Alf can be like, "I kill me and you!"
(Mimics "Pshew" laser effects, then spreads arms) Christmas!
And then, just when it looks like all hope is lost and the whole world is gonna be destroyed by these two abominations of God... Bruce Willis comes in!
Using a decked-out version of Ralphie's BB gun!
And then, Jack Skellington comes in, bringing all his Halloween buddies!
They get in an epic battle with the Rankin Bass stop-motion characters!
The Grinch comes in and sets them all on fire 'cause...you know, they're puppets.
Chevy Chase makes some awkward conversation with some attractive lady.
Hehe, he's terrible.
And Charlie Brown wonders, "What does it all mean?"
OH MY GOD, I wrote the greatest Christmas story of all time!
Oh wait, the only thing missing is Jesus.
Jesus is the referee!
"Thou shall not be granted two points."
Oh my God, we totally gotta make this movie!
It'll cost a bajillion dollars, we'll get everybody together, and we'll call it "Christmas." FUCK YEAH!
Screw it! "Elf" was the best movie to go out on! Oh my God, and we're gonna make the best Christmas story of all time, the best Christmas movie, the best Christmas special, the be-- You know what? I gotta call somebody. I know just the person for the job! (dials cellphone) Hello? I have an excellent idea for a Christmas movie!
(We cut to Donnie Dupre of "Demo Reel")
Really? Tell me more!
(looks at camera) Merry Christmas!