June 24, 2020
(The Channel Awesome logo is shown, followed by the NC title sequence)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Well, after the massive success of 2003's (poster of...) Daredevil... (He is briefly interrupted by derisive laughter) I know, shh. ...the story just had to continue.
(Footage of Daredevil is shown)
NC (vo): But what do you do when both critics and audiences despise your interpretation of a hero?
NC: (shrugs) Leave the hero out of it.
(Emphasis is now placed on Jennifer Garner's character Elektra Natchios)
NC (vo): I mean, people at the time really seemed to like Jennifer Garner's character. Let's put the spotlight on her– (stops abruptly as he realizes something) Oh, yeah, she was dumbed to death.
NC: Um... did her character in the comic die and magically come back?
(To a ding, the words "ALL COMIC CHARACTERS DO" pop up)
NC: (smiling) Now we're in business!
(The title for Elektra is shown, followed by footage of that movie)
NC (vo): Elektra was released two years later, after the disappointment of Daredevil. Audiences were open to the idea, as the trailer looked good and, again, at the time, there just weren't that many female cinematic comic book heroes. Well, maybe to get a good director behind it, this can be something promising– (Suddenly, the poster for Airborne is superimposed; NC laughs) Oh, fuck! While it barely made its money back overseas, Elektra bombed pretty harsh in America, making 24 million against a 40-million budget, thus ending the Daredevil cinematic universe. Aw, and I was so looking forward to the (Image of Foggy is superimposed) Foggy spinoff. So what killed this hero so bad that even bringing her back from the dead couldn't bring her back from the dead?
NC: Well, hide all your evil sandbags as we take a closer look. This is Elektra.
(The movie begins)
NC (vo): You know you're in trouble when good and evil in this movie are given the incredibly original names... of Good and Evil.
Narrator: A war has been waged between the armies of Good and Evil. The Evil has taken many forms. The Good followed the way of Kimagure.
NC: (as narrator) The people in the middle are known as the Eh.
NC (vo): To their credit, they do name one of the clans on the side of Evil. They're known as The Hand. (A shot of the Foot Soldiers from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is superimposed) And yes, that is what The Foot are satirizing. Though, at times, you might find them more intimidating.
Narrator: Legend tells of a unique warrior to tip the balance between good and evil.
NC: That's literally every legend ever. (The poster for City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly's Gold is shown in the corner) The Legend of Curly's Gold is more original!
NC (vo): Cut to a hideout, where an evil baddie is hiding, afraid of what follows him.
DeMarco (Jason Isaacs): You can't stop her. Nobody can stop her. I was afraid if I told you, you wouldn't take the job.
(We have a flashback to Elektra's younger days when she goes after her mother's killer)
NC (vo; as DeMarco): You see, this woman was quickly taken out on her first crime-fighting mission against one man years ago.
NC: Contain your fury! It will only encourage her to die faster!
DeMarco: Her name is Elektra.
Bauer (Mark Houghton): She's an urban legend, sir. That woman died years ago.
NC: (as Bauer) I know it's an urban legend, because what really happened was far more embarrassing!
DeMarco: They say Elektra whispers in your ear before she kills you.
NC: (scratches neck) Well, if she's such a good killer, who would be left alive to say that?
NC (vo): Elektra, played again by Jennifer Garner, does break in, wearing the shadowy camouflage of bright-ass red, and approaches her prey.
Bauer: Are you just coming?
Elektra: That's not that bad.
Bauer: How do you know?
Elektra: (whispering in Bauer's ear) I died once.
NC: Again, (The Daredevil poster is shown in the corner) Daredevil's box office was pretty bad. (nods)
(She throws one of her pronged weapons into Bauer's back, killing him)
NC (vo): She sizes him up... (The sound of a rimshot is heard, along with the sound of a crowd booing) Thank you! ...as The Hand's leader, Master Roshi, played by... (stops abruptly as the actor's name pops up: "Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa") Boy, that's a lot of syllables... (The name changes to something shorter and easier for him to read...) Shang Tsung...is displeased with their members being killed.
Henchman [Meizumi]: Things like this must be handled smoothly. Quietly.
Roshi: Then work smoothly, Meizumi, but quickly.
NC: Don't worry, the runtime is less than it was before.
(As he says this, the posters for Daredevil and Elektra are shown off to the side, each with their own respective runtimes: 2h, 13m (Daredevil) and 1h, 44m (Elektra))
NC (vo): It looks like Elektra is now a hired assassin. She even has an agent... No, seriously, it's what he calls himself.
Agent: As your agent, I am obligated to tell you we just got a fantastic new offer...
NC: (as agent) Shoot me a line. (pretends to hold up a card) We're called "We Don't Exist, That's Why I'm Not Holding a Card".
NC (vo): ...who gets her her biggest bounty yet.
Elektra: How much? Just tell me.
NC: Two percent of this film's residuals? You are way too optimistic.
NC (vo): She has a flashback to when she was brought back to life by Stick, played by Terence Stamp...yes, that guy who played the famous character from Haunted Mansion [Ramsley]...who trained her in the ways of not dying so easily.
Stick: You understand violence... (Elektra is seen violently attacking her trainer) ...but you do not know the way.
Elektra: Teach me then.
Stick: I can't teach you.
NC: (as Stick) I'm a really terrible teacher. I use my katana to pick my toenails.
NC (vo): He says what every producer told the director after seeing this film...
Stick: Just go.
NC (vo): ...and she sets out into the world. We see she has the superpower of being neat, and she has a flashback, while swimming, of her controlling father.
(Said flashback is set at a swimming pool, where her father pushes her on)
Elektra's father: Let's push, push, push, push! Don't use your hands, don't be lazy, only use your feet.
NC: (as her father) How are you ever gonna be a champion of aquatic soccer?
NC (vo): She finds someone spying on her with a very loud shadow... (Said loud sound sounds like a sword being unsheathed) ...but it turns out it's a little thief named Abby.
Abby (Kirsten Prout): Please don't call the cops. My dad will kill me.
NC (vo; as Elektra): I died once. (normal) She lets her go, but she has yet another flashback, remembering the time she...
(In the flashback, the young Elektra encounters the shadow of a demon on the wall. Said demon darts away, out the window, while she stands there, traumatized)
NC: Okay, can't say I expected that. (shakes head)
NC (vo): There's no need to speed up the footage to make the devil funny.
(Cut to a clip of Daredevil)
NC (vo): Your original Daredevil costume was hilarious enough.
(Cut back to Elektra, as the scene replays at a much faster speed)
NC (vo; as demon, high-pitched): Your mother sucks cocks in Hell! Whoo-hoo! (normal) The next day, she comes across Abby's father, who seems to be looking for her.
Elektra: I saw her late afternoon.
Abby's father (Goran Višnjić): (reaching his hand out to her) I'm Mark Miller.
(Elektra stares quizzically at his hand)
NC (vo; as Elektra): Um, six feet, motherfucker.
Mark: Okay, thanks. (withdraws hand)
NC (vo): The following day, Abby shows up and Elektra realizes she's not as aware of her surroundings as she thought.
Elektra: (her back turned to her this whole time) How long have you been standing there?
Abby: Like a minute.
NC (vo; as Elektra): Oh...I'm a ninja, you know.
Abby: He made me come ask you to have Christmas dinner with us.
Abby: Did you know today's Christmas?
NC: How dare you make this piece of shit a Christmas movie.
NC (vo; as Elektra): I am perfectly comfortable with my comic book holiday films having (A shot of Batman Returns is superimposed, showing the Penguin trying to bite Josh's nose) nose bites, thank you very much. (normal) She agrees to join them, only to discover Abby's dad didn't actually invite her. This master of deception sure is getting deceived a lot.
Mark: Please stay. I'm glad you're here.
NC (vo; as Mark): I need someone to be quiet and judgy the whole night. I have a teenage daughter. I can't rely on that.
Mark: So I was a little surprised to see you take the wheelwright place. Not many renters this time of year.
NC: Yeah, few people come to the country during winter. Wha...? (shrugs in confusion)
Mark: She's a good student.
Abby: I have authority issues, and I don't take bullshit well.
Elektra: Don't speak in that–
Mark: Hey, Abby!
NC (vo; as Elektra): I may kill people, but I will not tolerate a caca mouth! (normal) Once Abby goes to bed, her father and Elektra find out more about each other.
Elektra: Where's her mother?
Mark: She died. Drunk driver.
'NC (vo; as Elektra) I'm sorry. I died once.
Elektra: My mother died when I was young. (becomes uncomfortable) I should go.
NC: (as Mark) Jesus! I didn't need your whole life story!
NC (vo): The next day, she gets an envelope with the people she's supposed to kill and...just take a guess who it is.
(It is revealed that they are Mark and Abby. The sound of Nelson the bully from The Simpsons is heard uttering his trademark laugh)
NC (vo): Clearly, she questions the ethical ramifications of this...
Elektra: (talking on her phone) I'll call you when it's done.
NC (vo): Let's go kill a family.
(Outside the Miller home, Elektra takes aim with an elaborate, HUGE-ASS bow and arrow. We then cut inside)
Mark: How's math going?
Abby: How do you think it's going?
NC: (as Mark, looking offscreen) Yeah, let's try this: if someone was to shoot an arrow at us from 300 yards, but arrows can only travel 299 yards– (He is interrupted, however, as glass shatters and an arrow lands on his desk) God, she's terrible at this.
NC (vo): She of course doesn't kill them and tells her agent the deal is off. (Various replacement people show up, but she doesn't see them) Assuming these people dress like killers disappearing behind her head because ninja reasons are her replacement. She goes back to warn them of the danger approaching, Mario jumping one of them to death.
(She jumps in the air, with the sound of the classic Mario jump edited in, and jumps on the ninja in question, killing him. She goes inside)
Elektra: Can you go to your bedroom for a minute, Abby? I need to talk to your dad.
NC: (as Elektra) Seeing how there's a hit out on you, it's best to keep you separated and alone.
NC (vo): Elektra fights off the killers, but wait 'til you hear this: they break their own neck before she can get answers!
(Elektra is holding one of the killers at fork point)
Killer: (speaking in foreign language) In a moment, you will know.
(Before Elektra can speak, the killer turns his neck sharply, snapping it and killing himself. Abby looks away, horrified)
NC: Wow, that must have taken a lot of training to... How do you practice that more than once?
NC (vo): The Hand are fed up, so they send in...I think the first draft drawing for (image of...) the Gorillaz...who are sent to take Elektra out.
Kirigi (Will Yun Lee): Perhaps with a little less delicacy...my forces will not be defeated by a mere woman.
NC (vo; as female assassin standing nearby): Hey, I'm a mere woman, motherfucker.
Roshi: The task is yours.
NC (vo): Elektra knows she needs to find Stick, who is busy playing people fucking weird enough to challenge a blind guy at pool.
(As they play, Stick's face is hard to see because of the lighting in the room)
NC (vo): Yeah, keep his face covered. Build up the reveal of (A shot of Stick's face from earlier is shown) what you already showed he looks like.
Stick: Eight-ball in the corner. (He does a trick shot to get the cue ball over the 8-ball) Leave your money on the table.
NC (vo; as Stick): In a past life, I was very used to saying that.
(Elektra enters the bar)
Stick: Elektra! Same walk.
NC (vo): Elektra asks him for help, but he mostly just mocks them. This is why Terence Stamp is always the best part of any movie.
Stick: Has she told you what she actually does for a living, Mr. Miller? You landed on the lucky side of the street.
Elektra: (enraged) Damn you son of a bitch!
(She reaches out to attack Stick, but he grabs her by the neck and pins her against the pool table)
NC (vo; as Stick): Eight broad in the right pocket, biotch!
(She manages to escape, however, and closes a door behind her as she leaves)
NC (vo): She quickly abandons them, honestly, kinda out of nowhere. That's really all it took to run away? Maybe she's pissed this is the second blind dude she's lost a fight to.
(Suddenly, a painting of a hawk comes to life and stares toward Elektra)
NC (vo): She sees they're being watched, though, so she doesn't abandon them...
NC: I don't...know what the point of that was, either.
NC (vo): ...and they get back on the road.
Abby: You really kill people for a living?
Elektra: It's what I'm good at.
NC: (as Elektra) As long as they're not blind, I'm amazing. Don't ask about my rumble with (An image of the following is shown in the corner...) Stevie Wonder.
(On that note, we go to a commercial break. Upon return, the movie resumes as Elektra's agent is shown holding a shotgun)
NC (vo): Elektra meets up with her agent, who quotes what everyone said after seeing the dailies...
Agent: (to Elektra, aiming gun under his chin) You want to pull the trigger, or should I do it?
NC (vo): ...and we see Abby and her father are reluctant in telling Elektra the truth.
Abby: (whispering) I hate lying! Why can't we tell her?
Mark: You don't know anything about her.
NC (vo; as Mark): I mean, she turned down a fortune for killing us and is risking her own life to protect us, but would she cosign on a car? Would she cosign on a car?! (normal) Elektra triggers a memory of her...talking to herself...
(A younger version of Elektra (played by Laura Ward) appears before her)
Young Elektra: What's the matter? Is something wrong?
NC: (eyes move around shiftily) Don't...think that's how flashbacks work.
NC (vo): And Abby asks her to show her some assassin tricks.
Elektra: (whispering) Just sit quietly...
NC (vo): Almost an hour in, I think we can allow one laugh.
(Abby moves in close to Elektra, who suddenly lets out a yell at Abby, startling her and knocking her backward. They both laugh)
NC: (as Abby) Having our lives threatened is fun! We should do it more often!
NC (vo): Abby's dad figures out Elektra was originally sent to kill them and... (Mark and Elektra kiss) Eh, I've heard of worse reasons to make out.
Mark: (pulling back) I'm sorry.
Elektra: Yeah. I hated that.
NC: Boy, there's mixed signals, and then there's Rorschach tests!
NC (vo): The assassins find them, though, and her agent decides to hold them off while Elektra gets Abby and her father to safety.
(The agent takes a shotgun and blasts a hole the door. He looks out through it. He sees that he had hit an assassin, a black, muscular guy, but the assassin simply brushes the shot off of him, not affected at all)
NC: Well, that's your (holds up index finger) one cool scene. Hope you enjoyed it. (nods)
NC (vo): The agent is killed off, and the rest of the killers hunt them down.
(The killers pursue Elektra and the Millers to a forest. Inside one of the assassins, the spirit of a wolf emerges, snarling and growling and shaking its head around. It then flies out of the assassin and races ahead)
NC (vo; as this assassin): I had no idea I could do that.
(Elektra points Mark and Abby toward a hiding place)
Elektra: Get in there.
NC (vo): Elektra tries to set up a trap to catch them by surprise.
(The black assassin from earlier appears and Elektra jumps him from behind, assaulting him with her fork-like weapons. She tries to stab him from behind with one of them, but he is so strong and tough that the forks only break off)
NC: (shrugs) That's literally all I got.
(The assassin turns around sharply, backhanding Elektra so hard that he sends her flying backwards several feet. She climbs up on an old tree, which weighs down under her, somehow crushing the black assassin for good, who disappears in a puff of yellow smoke)
NC (vo): She runs down the world's slowest falling tree, taking the guy out, but more baddies are on the way.
(As Elektra runs through the woods, we alternate between her current and younger self with each passing tree)
NC (vo; as Elektra): Did you know I can do this? I can do this! I died once!
(Abby emerges from the hiding spot and takes out a glowing golden string which she uses to strangle some of the assassins with)
NC (vo): It looks Abby is Wonder Girl, but there's no time to explain as...this happens...
(Typhoid grabs Elektra and kisses her. NC stares, then hears a thudding sound, which gets his attention)
NC: Yeah, that's exactly what you think it is.
(As Typhoid kisses Elektra, leaves start to fall)
Abby: (running up, screaming) ELEKTRA!!
Mark: (grabbing Abby) ABBY, NO! (pulls her away)
NC (vo; as Mark): IT'S TOO HOT! (normal) It turns out this kiss drains the life out of her, but saying "I died twice" doesn't have nearly the same ring to it. However, Stick arrives with his own army to protect them.
Kirigi: (to Stick) Another day, old man.
(Kirigi zips away to the sound of the Road Runner going "Beep, beep!" and zipping away, clearly edited in)
NC (vo): Elektra has yet another flashback and discovers the devil that killed her mother was a ninja. A common mistake.
(Suddenly, Elektra comes to and sits up with a start)
NC (vo): She wakes up and finds that Abby is fighting off all her opponents, being trained by Stick. I...feel like I missed a few scenes.
Stick: (to Elektra, about Abby) They call her "The Treasure". She was a prodigy from four or five years old.
Elektra: Was all this a test? Everything from the day you threw me out, has it all been a test?
NC: (as Stick) That's the nice thing about being a teacher: I can make up whatever I want, and it was all a test! You failed, by the way.
Stick: When you came here, you were filled with anger, poisoned by violence and tragedy.
NC: (as Stick) But look at you now! You're so laid-back and easygoing.
NC (vo): Here's a pointless tidbit: we find out Elektra is OCD.
Elektra: I don't have OCD. I had it when I was a kid, but I haven't done that in years.
Abby: You were just doing it. The counting.
NC: If that were true, the whole movie would be about battling (A shot of a microwave is shown in the corner, flashing "12:00" over and over) a microwave blinking "12".
(NC sees the image of the microwave and furiously tries to poke at it)
NC: STOP IT!
NC (vo): They decide to fight because...I don't know, and Abby suddenly starts crying because...I don't know.
Abby: (crying) I don't want to stay here.
NC: (nodding) Every kid in the audience right now.
NC (vo): Elektra leaves the camp to go back to her childhood home to lure The Hand away from Abby.
(Inside her home, Elektra turns on a gas-powered stove in the kitchen so that it produces a gas but no flame. Then, when the ninjas come crashing through the windows to attack, she throws a lit match toward the kitchen. The flame comes in contact with the gas and triggers a huge explosion, which blows up the house and all the assassins with it)
NC: Jesus! Fat Albert's fart couldn't fill a room with gas that fast!
(Outside, Kirigi spots the explosion)
Kirigi: Clever girl.
NC: (as Kirigi) The ancient tactic of squeezing my army through (holds up index finger) one entrance surprisingly didn't work.