Eight Crazy Nights
December 10, 2013
(We do the usual opening before cutting to our host at his desk)
Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. You know... it must be hard being Jewish. I mean, I don't wanna make an assumption about a pain a group of people I don't represent is going through, but... it's gotta be hard. Not because of the years of oppression (a picture of the Ku Klux Klan), not because there's still prejudiced jerk-offs out there (picture of Mel Gibson is shown, with Woody Woodpecker's laugh heard briefly), but because around the holidays, for all the well-known Christmas movies that exist, you only have one well known Hanukkah movie. (beat) And sadly, it's brought to you by Beelzebub's foreskin himself, Adam Sandler.
(After the opening title for Eight Crazy Nights, a picture from It's a Wonderful Life is shown)
NC (vo): Yep. We have Jimmy Stewart finding the will to live again, (clip of Davey Stone drunkenly humping his car), you have Adam Sandler humping a car. (Picture of Alastair Sim in A Christmas Carol) We have Ebenezer Scrooge donating to the cold and hungry, (clip of a deer smiling with manure in its teeth) you have deer eating shit. (Picture of Charlie Brown and Snoopy) We have Charlie Brown realizing the importance of loving thy neighbor, (clips of Mr. Chang are shown) you have Rob Schneider playing a stereotype so racist that Asians will be praying for the good old days of (Picture of Mr. Yunoshoni from "Breakfast at Tiffany's") Mickey Rooney in squinty eyes and buck teeth.
NC: I never knew the hardships that your people had to go through. I never knew the turmoil that you had to get past. I never knew the pain that you were suffering through...until I realized that this (clip of Davey from the movie is shown) ass-hat is the cinematic face of your beloved holiday. I'm sorry. I'm just sorry.
NC (vo): It especially sucks 'cause it comes from a person who, I think, can be funny, and yet, he constantly shits on the face of good comedy. (Picture of Adam Sandler on the Hollywood Walk of Fame is shown) Sandler can be entertaining, (picture of Sandler playing guitar on stage) he's a good songwriter, (picture of Sandler from Punch-Drunk Love) a decent actor, (posters for Happy Gilmore, 50 First Dates and Hotel Transylvania) and can even make a funny movie every once in a while. But why does he have to destroy the talents of good artists, clever performers, and a beautiful 2D animation department so desperate for a hit that they actually thought the guy who bombed (poster of...) Little Nicky would be their salvation?
NC: People, I'm not gonna lie. This is a hard one. No matter what holiday you celebrate, this is one of the hardest movies you will ever have to get through. Which is why I'm giving you permission right now; if you want to go watch something else and leave me here to review it, I will completely understa—
(We now change to a graphic reading Jingle Bell Cock as porno music plays. Cut to Malcolm Ray and Rachel Tietz flirting with each other. Malcolm's wearing a Santa beard.)
Malcolm: What do you say we dick the whores with balls of horny?
NC: (cuts in) Or... seeing how it's the holidays, you can sit and watch the movie with me. This is Eight Crazy Nights.
Malcolm: Oh, it's that kind of movie.
Rachel: Oh, Pete, change the title.
(The title below them now reads "Ménage a Twas the Night Before Christmas." They then get a little too close to NC, who shudders.)
NC: Eww! GET OFF OF ME! (Malcolm reaches for NC, who smacks his hand away.)
NC (vo): So, the film opens with a Rob Schneider narration.
NC: ...Good start.
NC (vo): He tells us about Davey, played by Adam Sandler, and how everyone around Hanukkah time is happy except for him, which is ironic, as during most viewings of his movies, Adam Sandler is the only happy one and everybody else is miserable.
Narrator: The head honcho of holiday humbugs lives right here in little old Dukesberry. That fool is sitting in the China Dragon, coming up with his own way of feeling tingly all over.
Chang: Four scorpion bowl in five minute? That's got to be a restaurant record!
NC (vo): Like I said before, that is Rob Schneider also as the Chinese restaurant owner.
Chang: [various scenes] I am the real Kristi Yamaguchi./He no pay for his four scorpion bowl!/Sorry, that one caught me by surprise!
NC (vo): I would make a joke about Rob Schneider playing yet another racially insensitive stereotype, but I have a theory that the more I believe Rob Schneider doesn't exist, the more possible it could be that it might actually one day happen.
NC: So, until further notice, what Rob Schneider racially insensitive stereotype? I don't see a Rob Schneider racially insensitive stereotype.
(Davey's drunkenly trying to get his key in his car door, when he is approached by two cops.)
Cop: Hope you're not planning on driving tonight, Stone.
Davey: (slurring) Oh, no, officer, I'm just gonna say good night to my car, then walk home and enjoy the holiday decorations. (Davey starts getting a little too close to his car) Oh, mama! You like it when I hold you like this? Cause I'll do it all night long! (And he licks the car)
NC (vo): You may notice, too, in this film that the animation is surprisingly really, really good. In fact, it's insultingly good. Like, what the hell are these beautiful colors, excellent line work, and graceful movements doing in a story from the mind of (Sandler's picture pops up) Hollywood's abandoned pregnancy it wishes it had? And ironically, this works against the film. Because the animation is so good, it doesn't match the tone at all! (Clips of Hotel Transylvania are shown) In a much better animated Sandler film, Hotel Transylvania, the high speed, energy, and quick pace matches the comedic delivery perfectly. (Back to the movie) Here, the animation's much slower and closer to real life, so, the characters don't move like funny animated characters, they move like constipated baby elephants, not being allowed to express themselves the way an animated character should.
NC: In fact, the fucking real irony is, there's no reason to animate this story!
NC (vo): Yeah, when you watch it all the way through, it's pretty pointless! The budget probably would've been the same, if not cheaper, if it was live action. So, why do it? Was the idea that they knew this shit wasn't gonna be watchable in three dimensions, so, they figured a drawing of the same shit would somehow make it better? (A picture of Leonardo da Vinci looking at a picture of Kat Dennings in her waitress uniform from Two Broke Girls is shown, with a caption on it saying "Thor Totally Needed Me.") If Leonardo da Vinci drew a picture of Kat Dennings not being funny, it'd still be Kat Dennings not being funny!
Chang: He sip-and-skip me!
Chang: He no pay for his four scorpion bowl!
Davey: Oh, boy.
(And he runs away, soon cutting to him slamming a snowmobile into an ice sculpture, knocking it down.)
NC (vo): So, Davey runs away from the police after not paying his bill, and gets arrested. But, he's in good hands as, thankfully, the judge likes spewing exposition more than he does actually sentencing people.
Judge: I've sent you to reform school, the drunk tank, the local psychiatric ward… 'cause you used to be a good kid, playing ball for the Jewish Community Center with the best jump shot this town's ever seen.
(Quick shot of a clip from The Simpsons)
Bart: What an odd thing to say.
Davey: I still got a pretty good jump shot. Lemme show ya. (jumps only an inch) I'd hit a three-pointer for ya, except I'd have to drop my pants and pop a thumb up my boo-boo.
NC: (chuckles mockingly) Ohhhhh, charming. Destined to become a classic holiday line.
(We are shown various clips of iconic quotes from famous holiday movies. The first is from "A Christmas Carol" from 1951)
Tiny Tim: God bless us, everyone.
(Then, a clip from the animated "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" from 1967)
Narrator: Maybe Christmas perhaps means a little bit more.
(Then we cut back to "Eight Crazy Nights")
Davey: I'd have to drop my pants and pop a thumb up my boo-boo.
NC: (hammily) Dickens himself could not write better!
NC (vo): Just as he's about to lay down some much-welcomed jail time, a man named Whitey intervenes.
Judge: Whitey, we went over this two months ago. It's your last year of refereeing the Youth League Basketball. You're turning 70 years old, and our insurance company says they won't cover you anymore.
NC (vo): Jesus, guy! Do you have any lines NOT telling somebody else's backstory?
NC (as the Judge): Whitey, you're as hard to figure out as the origin of my tie... which, of course, started to be worn in Europe during the Thirty-Years War. What? You don't know what the Thirty-Years War is? Well, let's start from the beginning. Years ago, the Earth was a molten mass…
Judge: Whitey, if you wanna work with this punk, then God bless you. But, Mr. Stone, what Whitey says goes.
NC (vo): So, Whitey offers to look after him as a referee-in-training. The performance of this white-haired little old man is voiced by…
Whitey: (in an annoyingly high-pitched voice) I knew this young man years ago when his moral fiber was still intact.
NC: (deadpan; sarcastic) Well, gee. It could be anyone. I mean, I don't have a clue. Maybe Sandler heard some angelic-voiced thespian from the Shakespearean theater and said, "He must be one of my leading stars!"
Whitey: I've been doing my part for 35 years./Are you ready to join me, big guy?
NC: (maintaining his sarcastic tone, and will maintain it for the rest of the rant) I mean, this is a character who's in, what, 70% of the movie?
NC (vo): Thank God they found a voice so charming and so beloved to listen to.
Whitey: Now, I'd like to make this work./Teaching them responsibility!/Wow, Benjamin, an Etch-A-Sketch!
NC: That's 70% of the movie, people! 70% of the movie, you get to hear...
NC (vo): ...that voice! Just listen to how not-ear-bleedingly-bad it is to listen to!
Whitey: (laughing, speaking gibberish, panting, and having a seizure in the same "not-ear-bleedingly-bad" voice)
NC (vo): Enjoy how he is in no way worse than Jar Jar Binks singing Bjork, while scratching a blackboard with a screaming baby during a fire alarm in a house of howling mental patients.
Whitey: Technical foul!/ She had the courage to move back to town! You will not speak about her that way!
NC: In fact, I'm not gonna jump to any conclusions. I'm just gonna call Mr. Sandler right now to figure out who did that voice. (NC calls Adam Sandler (voiced by Rob Walker) on his cell phone, a picture of Sandler appearing to the left of him during the call.)
Adam Sandler: Hello?
NC: Mr. Sandler?
NC: Nostalgia Critic. Long time admirer of your genius. Uh, listen, I just have one question for you. Who was that inspired old man who portrayed Whitey in "Eight Crazy Nights"?
Sandler: Uh, actually, I got a little secret for ya. It wasn't an old man at all.
NC: (in "shock") Whaaaaat?!
Sandler: No, actually, this is gonna totally blow your mind. Iiiit's me.
NC: ("surprised") Nooooooo!
Sandler: Yep, it's meeeee!
NC: (in "awe") Noooooo!
Sandler: (sighs) Preeety amazing, huh?
NC: Mr. Sandler, I think I speak for all the world when I say that we, as a species, have seen actors become other people! But YOU, sir! YOU have taken it to a whole new level! You are like some sort of mutant chameleon that we cannot see! You just become other things! Other entities!
Sandler: Well, thank you so very much.
NC: Oh my god! And your CHOICE to have him in the majority of this film so that we can hear your BEEAUTIFUL instrument, I just have to say: THANK YOU! THANK YOU, on behalf of ALL the world for letting us be a part of this MAGIC!
Sandler: Oh, well, you know, that's very kind of you to sa—
NC: FUCK MEL BLANC!
Sandler: Uh... what?
NC: THE MAN OF A THOUSAND VOICES! THE VOICE OF ALL THE LOONEY TUNES?! FUCK HIM! HE IS SHIT COMPARED TO YOUR GENIUS!
Sandler: Uh... boy... whaaat? That's going a little far there...
NC: NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! IF I COULD FIND A WAY TO GET HIS BODY, AND PUT LITTLE UPSIDE-DOWN CROSSES ON IT, TO ASSURE THAT HE IS ROTTING IN HELL, BECAUSE HE EVEN ATTEMPTED TO BE THE BEST, WHEN HE KNEW THAT AT ONE POINT YOU WOULD BE BORN TO BRING US THIS WHITEY VOICE, IS AN INSULT AND I WOULD DO IT TO HIM TO MAKE SURE THAT HE SUFFERS FOR EVEN TRYING TO DO SOMETHING EVEN BETTER THAN YOU!
Sandler: Ooooh, uuuhhh... You're going a little overboard—
NC: MIIIIIISTER SANDLEEEERRRR!!
Sandler: Oooookay, I—
NC: IT WOULD BE AN HOOOONOR—
Sandler: …you need to calm down.
NC: —FOR ME TO DIG UP THE CORPSE OF MEL BLANC—
Sandler: Uuuuh, it's... I—
NC: —SO THAT YOU COULD TAKE YOUR DICK—
NC: —AND SHOVE IT UP HIS ASS!
Sandler: ...Oh god—
NC: BECAUSE THAT IS HOW LITTLE OF A CANDLE HE HOLDS TO YOU...
NC: HE HOLDS TO YOU! AND YOUR BRILLIANCE FOR WHITEY FROM EIGHT CRAZY NIGHTS!! (triple desk slam)
Sandler: I, uuuhhhh... that's not really necessary—
NC: IT WOULD BE AN HONOR!!
Sandler: Please stop saying that.
NC: AN HONOR, SIR!!!
Sandler: (after a beat) Okaaay... you're scaring me, and... I'm gonna go. (hangs up immediately)
NC: (drops the phone, before yelling into the sky) THAAAANK YOOOOOUUU, SAAAAANDLEEEEEERRRRRR!!!!!!!!
NC (vo): So, Whitey shows him the ropes as referee, and also reveals that he's hoping to win the Patch Award, the highest honor the town hands out. But that won't help much, as Davey, big shock, is an asshole to everybody.
Davey: Foul on this kid for eating everything in sight.
Davey: Jelly Jugs, next time you come on my court, you better wear a bra, okay?
(The kid begins crying, as Whitey tries comforting him)
NC (vo): You know how, with the Grinch, you kind of love to hate him? Well… Adam Sandler movies are worse than cancer. Yeah, I have no joke there; it just feels fucking good to say how much I hate Adam Sandler movies!
Davey: Good to see you still got those circus feet.
Whitey: Men's 11 right foot, children's 9 left foot.
Whitey: Now I assume you've done your—
NC (vo): It really is incredible hearing these two COMPLETELY different voices talk to each other, isn't it? It's about as impressive as Christopher Walken voicing all the characters in Popeye.
(Cut to footage of a Popeye cartoon, with Rob Walker voicing everyone as Christopher Walken)
Popeye: Olive Oyl, let's say you and I have sex and stuff.
Bluto: Olive Oyl, I also wanna bang you.
Olive Oyl: Oh, dear! Well, I've got a thing for Elephant Man Syndrome, so, I guess I'll choose you (Popeye).
Popeye: Me? Okay, well, (as he flips with joy) Imma do this weird thing where I'm naked and then suddenly I'm not! (Popeye toots his pipe) BLOW!
NC: You just... never know it was him the whole time!
NC (vo): So, Whitey feels a good way to get his attitude up is to take him to the mall.
Whitey: You need to clean your brain out, pal, and to me, the mall is the best place to do that.
Davey: So, what's good about this place?
NC: (as Whitey) PRODUCT PLACEMENT!
NC (vo; still as Whitey): No, I'm not even kidding! We let our sponsors do us like back-door whores!* Look at some of these!
- [Per IMDb: Director Seth Kearsley said all of the product placements were used without permission from their respective companies.]
Whitey: Body Shop, The Tie Rack, GNC, Radio Shack. Pet Land, for a cat or two, Spencer's Gifts for some fake dog doo. Sbarro's, Dunkin' Donuts, they're simply the best. And don't forget the orange chicken at Panda Express.
NC: (in complete shock at what everyone, including him, just saw) Oh, my God! (pulls up the Man of Steel poster) Baby! I'm so sorry! I mean, I thought your product placement was the worst, but after seeing this... (ushers the poster aside) You go and be subtle, I'm gonna suffer through the rest of this.
NC (vo): So, what's the only thing worse than listening to Whitey's doornail-in-your-brain voice? How about if he sings with that doornail-in-your-brain voice?
Whitey: (singing) Everyone in town will be looking their best. (cuts to another lyric) When you feel nearly five-foot-threeeeeeeeee!
NC: (feels his eardrums explode in gushes of blood and smiles) Aaaand there went my eardrums! I should be sad, but I'm just happy I don't have to listen to Adam Sandler anymore! Ahhhh, that's nice…
Whitey: ...waiting for me!
Davey: (after Whitey finishes singing) Can you take me home now?
NC (vo): The great irony to how obnoxious Whitey's voice is, is that Sandler does another voice as Whitey's sister who lives with him, and... SUPRISINGLY, is not that bad at it.
Eleanor: You hoodlums better bring my wig back! I know it was you!/Mister, if you're gonna kill us, take off your wet shoes! They're soaking the carpet!
NC (vo): Oh, my God, why couldn't this be the character he interacts with? I mean, she's annoying, but she's much less annoying and actually sounds like a different person, at least. Why didn't they just go with her? Well, maybe because she wouldn't be nearly as funny being needlessly shoved down a Port-a-Potty and climbing out covered in poo!
(We see Davey putting Whitey in a Port-a-Potty and pushing it down a hill with Whitey in it. As Whitey emerges from the Port-a-Potty at the bottom of the hill, he is shown to be covered all over in poo. Cut to the Happy Madison audience (played by Malcolm Ray, Rachel Tietz, Jim Jarosz, and Rob Walker) sitting at the couch, laughing their asses off at the scene)
NC: Oh, that's right, this is a Happy Madison audience, where something that they see come out of them every day is suddenly hilarious, because it reminds them of something that was scandalous when they were two years old. Watch. Poo!
(Cut to the Happy Madison audience, laughing once again. Throughout this bit, we see moments of the current scene playing out as NC describes them)
NC: Oh, look! He's (Davey sprays water from a hose to wash the poo off Whitey, only for him to be frozen solid) freezing him to the poo!
(Cut back to Happy Madison audience, now laughing harder)
NC: Oh, look! A bunch of deer coming up (A herd of reindeer lick the poo-stained ice off Whitey) to lick him out of the poo!
(Cut to you-know-who, doing you-know-what)
NC: And look! Abbott and Costello are (brief clip of Who's on First? is shown) misunderstanding ball players’ names and starting positions!
(As we cut back to Happy Madison audience, they stop laughing and are starting to think)
NC: Oh, no, they have to think for that! We don't want something smart here! This is a Happy Madison audience!
Rachel: ...Where did I come from?
NC: Oh, no, they're growing intelligence! Show another poop scene! SHOW ANOTHER POOP SCENE!! LOOK! THE DEER'S SMILING WITH POOP IN HIS TEETH!! (One of the deer turns to the camera, and smiles, showing his mouth is covered in poo)
(The Happy Madison audience is back to their unintelligent, laughing ways)
NC: Now give them your money! They worked for seconds to think of this awe-inspiring humor!
(The Happy Madison audience start throwing dollar bills at NC)
Rob: Take it! Take it all!
(A large, red caption reading "Feeding Time" appears on the top right)
NC: Oh! It's feeding time! Who wants White Castle Slider Fruit Snacks?
(The Happy Madison audience clamor for the aforementioned snacks as NC releases a lever letting the snacks rain down on them, while they bark like seals)
NC: (chuckles) It's funny because they shouldn't live.
NC (vo): Davey comes across an old high school friend he's forgotten about named Jennifer, which reminds him of how good he was at basketball, and that maybe he can help Jennifer's kid go up against some bullies.
Bully: If a midget and a drunk can beat us, I'd eat my own jock strap.
Davey: I'll play. But if we win, you gotta eat that guy's jock strap.
(Cut to a fat, bearded man bumbling around with the basketball)
NC: Now, Sandler, it's not nice to make fun of your typical fanbase like that.
Bully: We're shirts!
Whitey: Does that mean we're skins?
(Fade-out to the game with an unrealistically-ripped Davey facing the bully)
NC (vo): Boy, a guy who the movie says has been drinking for 20 years looks pretty damn ripped, doesn't he? You know, for a movie obviously trying to make Adam Sandler's character look like Adam Sandler, I... don't think that's what he looks like with his shirt off.
NC: Can we get visual confirmation on that? (a picture of Sandler in Grown Ups is shown, where he is shirtless at a pool) There we go! Slight artistic liberties.
NC (vo): So, of course, they win, and the guy eats a jock strap. So, as Davey and Jennifer drive themselves home, there actually is a nice song about how Jessica (actually Jennifer) and Davey used to be young and, well, had a decent childhood.
Davey: (singing) Well, over there's my family home...
Jennifer: (singing) And the woods we used to roam...
NC (vo): But, guess whose voice constantly ruins it?
Jennifer: (singing) Back when he was nice...
Davey: (singing) Before my warm heart turned to ice...
Whitey: (singing, if you can call it that, in his sleep) My sister's wig once had lice!
NC (vo): Fuck me, guy! Even Gollum with his annoying voice would be like—
(Cut to Gollum from "The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers")
NC: (vo; as Gollum) CHRIST, buddy! You're killing Hanukkah!
Whitey: (singing, sadly still) The only time I had sex was on the phone!
(Gollum spits in disgust)
NC (vo): But Jock-Strap Guy gets his revenge later by burning down Davey's house.
(We see the bully Davey won against earlier burning down Davey's trailer home, leaving him homeless)
Whitey: You'll stay with me and my sister for a while.
Davey: I ain't living with you buffoons.
Whitey: What other options do you got, Mr. Rockefeller?
NC: You mean between "Freezing to death outside" and "listening to your voice"? (starts singing gleefully, as snow falls over the screen) Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!
(We cut to Davey hanging out with Whitey and his sister at their house)
Davey: Here's to you guys for letting me crash over. (Davey opens a beer can as it spews out on the Duvall twins)
Eleanor: This is never gonna work!
Whitey: It'll work. We just need to set some ground rules so Davey knows how we do things around here.
NC (vo): Well, let's see, we've literally just gone three minutes. How about another testicle-stabbing song?
Whitey: (singing; yes, again, but he's awake now) If you're coming from the street with dirty shoes on your feet, that's a technical foul!
NC (vo): Yeah, I'm sure this is one of those songs that Sandler just couldn't fit onto one of his albums, so... what the hell? Might as well waste about a dozen Korean animators on it!
Whitey: (singing even more) There are certain rules which apply in one's life with your sister—
NC: (covering his ears, through his teeth) Jesus fuck!
(Cut to the ice rink as Whitey and Eleanor are laughing annoyingly)
NC: You know what? Let me try something. (takes out a remote and points it at the screen)
Whitey: Just do a circl— (the sound is muted out)
(The audio is then replaced with pleasant piano music playing in the background)
NC: (sets down the remote) Oh, my God. That's-That's so much better! I-I can just look at the beautiful...
NC (vo): ...animation and not listen to dialogue from writers that were juggled as babies!
NC: In fact, I can just imagine my own story to make this one even better!
Benjamin (voiced by Rachel Tietz): Hey, Awesome Claus, what did you do today?
Davey (Awesome Claus, voiced by Malcolm Ray): Well, I made Christmas a whole lot more awesome this year.
Benjamin: Really? And how did you do that?
Awesome Claus: Well, I kicked Ron Howard in the balls for making The Grinch, shot every greedy fuck-ass who went shopping on Thanksgiving night, and produced eight Hanukkah movies that were actually funny to people who can count past the number four.
Benjamin: Wow! I think my balls just grew while talking to you!
Awesome Claus: It's all part of spending millions of dollars to animate something that actually makes an impact on somebody's life. (laughs) I'm Awesome Claus.
NC: God, this is great! The only thing I can't work around is the shitting deer.
(We see an earlier scene of the deer from before pooping. Cut to, you guessed it, the Happy Madison audience shitting their pants laughing at shit once again)
NC: (finally snapping) THAT'S IT!!! I'VE HAD IT WITH THIS MOTHERFUCKING HAPPY MADISON AND THEIR MOTHERFUCKING AUDIENCE!!! (He gets up and goes to the bathroom, taking a huge dump, then comes out) Hey, look, everybody! Poo!
(The Happy Madison audience run into the bathroom to see the "wondrous" spectacle, while NC takes out a grenade, pulls the pin off and throws it inside the bathroom, shutting the door with his foot as the grenade explodes, killing the Happy Madison audience. NC stands firmly next to the door.)
NC: A moment of silence for the Happy Madison audience. (puts his hat to his chest and immediately puts it back on his head) That was fun.
(We go to the commercial break. After the commercial, the movie resumes)
NC (vo): So, here's a fun question: What's even more pathetic than having your cast full of unfunny and unlikable characters? Having a serious death scene acted out by a cast full of unfunny and unlikable characters! Yeah, uh-huh, they go that route! They actually give Davey a backstory involving his parents dying in a car accident. And, of course, this is the reason he's such a jerk to everyone. Yeah, because a movie with shit-eating deer, three-breasted women, and an extreme close-up on hairy white asses CLEARLY can segue so easily into heavy drama like this!
NC: But to make things worse, I mean, the REAL FUCKING candle on the cake! Guess who tells the story?
Whitey: Unfortunately, this fairy tale doesn't have a happy ending.
NC (vo): That's right, the backwards squealing pig himself! Fucking Christ, they couldn't even keep him out of the emotional scenes!
Whitey: Turns out they were on their way to the ball game when a truck hit a patch of black ice and swerved into oncoming traffic. Mr. and Mrs. Stone tragically couldn't get out of the way in time. I couldn't believe something that horrible could happen—
NC (vo): Gah, really, guys!? Really?!? Are you really so stupid to think that the voice that only made you laugh when you were two years old...and drunk...is the voice you want to deliver such heavy material? Why don't you just have Chris Tucker deliver the bad news while you're at it?
(Cut to a sad-looking Doug sitting in a chair while Chris Tucker (Malcolm) speaks from behind him)
Tucker: OH MY GOD! YOUR PARENTS ARE DEAD! ONE MINUTE THEY'RE FINE, THEN BOOM! GONE! THEY BLOWED UP! GONE IN A FIREY INFERNO! KFP: KENTUCKY FRIED PARENTS! CRISPY! EXTRA FRIED! OH MY GOD, THEY'RE GONE! GONE FOREVER! LIKE ME AND RUSH HOUR 4! EXCEPT THEY DIDN'T MAKE IT 'CAUSE JACKIE'S LIKE A FAJILLION YEARS OLD NOW, BUT HE COULD STILL KICK MY ASS! OH MY GOD! YOUR PARENTS ARE DEAD!
(After hearing about his parent's death, the young Davey refuses any attention from anyone, not even a young Jennifer, who tries to console him)
Whitey: He basically shut down.
Young Jennifer: I really don't know what to say.
Young Davey: There's nothing TO say. My parents are dead. Happy Hanukkah. Now leave me alone.
Eleanor: (cries and snorts at the same time)
NC (vo): Ah, yes, and Eleanor's cry-snorting makes the scene even more powerful. Jesus fuck, what do they do for an encore? Read The Diary of Anne Frank?
(A cover of the audiobook of "Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl" appears, with Whitey's picture beside it and the text "As Read by Whitey" appearing under his picture)
Whitey (voiced by NC): "Despite everything, I believe people are good at heart."
Eleanor (voiced by NC): (cry-snorts)
Whitey: Quiet, Eleanor, you're ruining the weight of my incredibly dramatic voice! (gibberish)
(Unfortunately, Davey hears Whitey telling him his story and loses his temper and insults both Whitey and Eleanor, which results in Whitey kicking Davey out of his home, much to his relief.)
NC (vo): This, of course, puts Davey in a bad mood again and causes him to rebel.
Davey: Did you read anything about a deformed referee who spends 35 years trying to win some stupid patch? So, he can pretend people actually like him?! If they have an award for the freakiest-looking fraternal twins who no one even gives a crap about, you two are definitely winning! And you're bald! (tears off Eleanor's wig)
Whitey: You're not welcome in my house.
Davey: Good! Your house SUCKS!
NC (vo): And, you know, just as a testament to how fucking bad this movie really is, even with the backstory that his parents were killed when he was young, they STILL make him too unlikeable to sympathize with! Even the Grinch narrator would be like—
(Clip of "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" is shown)
Thurl Ravenscroft (voiced by NC): And given the choice between the two of you, I'd choose the, uh— (picture of a pissed off Davey appears) Oh, hell, no! I'm going with (cut back to the Grinch) the green guy! At least he didn't make (picture of cover of) Jack and Jill. (singing) That movie was shiiiiiit!
(A sad Whitey and Eleanor return home, as the herd of deer from earlier look on)
Narrator: Wow. Just when you started to really like Davey…
NC: Was that what we were supposed to be doing*?
Narrator: ...he goes and has a butthole relapse.
- - (Davey actually started to act better until this point)
NC (vo): Well, as you heard it put so eloquently, he breaks into a mall, going on another rampage. (sarcastically) Ooh! Does this mean we possibly get even more product placements?
NC: Oh, hell, why don't we just have the product placements come to life and save the day?
(As Davey breaks into the mall, several shop icons start coming to life)
Foot Locker: Everybody wake up! This is not a rehearsal!
Radio (Shack): Roger on that!
Chair from The Sharper Image: Let's do this, people!
(Cut to NC in complete shock, just as the editor of this page is)
Panda (Express): Come on, kids! Our hot and sour friend is here!
KB Toys Soldiers: We're coming, we're coming!
Foot Locker: (singing) We all heard what happened at the skating rink today...
(Cut to NC still in shock, and who could blame him?)
NC: (sighs) All right. I gotta know. (walks off)
(Cut to Rachel texting in the hallway as the poster for "Eight Crazy Nights" walks by her, NC following behind)
Rachel: Hey, Critic, where are you going?
NC: Well, the movie's whored itself out to everybody. Might as well see what it's like.
(NC, apparently, has sex with the movie, which makes in-heat women sounds (courtesy of Rachel Tietz), as offscreen, we hear the NC literally banging the movie against a wall, and the sound of breaking glass and screaming, as though it had been thrown from a window. NC comes back seconds later once the deed was done.)
Rachel: How was it?
NC: Empty, hollow, and not over nearly fast enough.
Rachel: I could've told you that.
NC: (looks at Rachel in confusion)
(The mall icons have an intervention with Davey, telling him to open up about his parents' deaths, which they believe to be the source of his alcoholism)
NC (vo): Yep, this is literally every ad executive's porn as all the product placements come out in colorful personalities and sing a song about how Davey needs to let go of his emotions. The irony, of course, is that not only would all this money be spent on a movie that no one would see, but I kind of think the people who own these corporations thought this might be a kid-friendly holiday film. I don't know, do you think GNC would be okay if it was being portrayed as a stalking pervert?
Dress from Victoria's Secret: I've been lying in my bed tossing and turning.
GNC: I know. I was watching you. (The dress looks at him) I mean, uh, me, too!
NC (vo): Would KB Toys really want to be in a film that spent half of its focus on shitting deer?
NC: Do you think they have a toy tie-in for that?
(Cut to a video of a deer toy that shits brown jelly beans)
(Davey finally opens his parents' Hanukkah card, which contains a heartfelt message praising him for being a good son and asking him to never change the way he is. Davey finally cries and comes to terms with his loss.)
NC (vo): So, thanks to the biggest cinematic corporate orgy since (cover of) Foodfight!, Davey opens up and finally cries over the loss of his parents. This doesn't mean much, though, as some cops bust him for breaking and entering.
Cop: Save your sorries for the judge.
NC (vo): But thankfully, Sandler's super-athletic body also has lightning-fast reflexes and he outwits the cops.
NC: Nothing takes down the (picture of Sandler) double-chin with the (picture of Jacob from the Twilight Saga) Jacob-style abs!!
NC (vo): But, they find out at the banquet that night that Whitey didn't win the Patch Award.
(The attendants cheer for the actual winner as Whitey gets up and leaves.)
NC (vo): Aw, what a shame, he was such a nice guy, too. I mean, this is the man who so selflessly left after his award he didn't win was announced. This award was for humbleness, right? But it's okay, because Davey has another annoying song to sing.
Davey: (sings) I was such a shithead, but he never quit on me...
NC (vo): Except for that part where he said you weren't welcome into his house anymore*, but why bring any part of brain activity into this movie now? This inspires the crowd, who we established a moment ago only has a few Jewish people in it, to randomly do a Jewish dance.
- [Actually, the lyric after that does mention that moment. The complete verse is "I was such a shithead, but he never quit on me, till I told him he was useless, and his sister was freaky"]
Cop and Chang: Bum-biddy-biddy-biddy-bum-bum...
NC (singing to the tune of "If I were a Rich Man" from Fiddler on The Roof): If this were a good film, yubba-dibby-dubba-dibby-dibby-dibby-didda-dum!
NC (vo): So, everybody meets up with Whitey at the mall, they hand him the award, and the moment is so touching that even Davey's hallucinations start crying. Seriously, is he imagining that or what? Any chance we can end with the most annoying sound in the world?
Whitey: (gets a seizure right on cue)
NC (vo): The credits start to roll and I'm blown out of my ass to discover that FOUR people wrote this piece of shit! FOUR people?! How the flying fuck do you think that process worked?!
NC: "DUHHH, WE MAKE MOVIE! (hits head on table) WE MAKE MOVIE! (hits head on table again) WE MAKE MOVIE! (hits head on table yet again) DUHHH, I WRITE POOP!!!!'"
(Shockingly, the Happy Madison audience returns from the grave to laugh their shit-stained training diapers off)
NC: Hey, how about that? People may die, but stupidity is forever.
(Clips from the movie play out as NC gives his closing thought)
NC (vo): This is not only one of the worst holiday specials ever made, this is one of the worst movies I've ever seen. PERIOD. I cannot believe how unfunny it is. Sandler's voice acting is probably the worst I've ever heard in my life, and the movie couldn't even keep its mean-spirited tone. In a strange way, I could at least have a touch of respect if it was meant to be unlikable from beginning to end, but no! They fed in this emotional bullshit that they actually think is gonna make you feel that special holiday feeling. Seriously, guys? After this? (Cue shitting deer) The only holiday feeling I got from this is similar to when I puke from drinking too much eggnog. And every time I see this incredible animation meshed up with it, it makes me wanna punch those (cut to Happy Madison audience) fucking idiots that keep Happy Madison popular when (back to movie) better talent could be utilized for better stories. Fuck...this...movie!
NC: And to all the Jewish people who are saddened that THIS is the only well-known Hanukkah movie, I apologize for all of you. To make up for it, here's a picture of Hitler roasting on a menorah.
(Cut to said picture)
Hitler: Ach du lieber!
NC: And now here's one with Adam Sandler.
(Cut to said picture)
NC: That one wasn't for you, that was definitely for me. I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and I have just seen the absolute worst holiday special I have ever witnessed in my entire life!* (walks off as usual)
(Credits roll, saying that a worse holiday special will be reviewed on Christmas Eve. Enjoy the torment of waiting to see what it could be!)
Channel Awesome Tagline-- Whitey: Technical foul! Technical foul!!