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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">{{Infobox
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{{Infobox |
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|Box title = Dunston Checks In |
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|Box title = Dunston Checks In |
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|Image file = Nc_dunston_checks_in_by_marobot-d4rb7ha.jpg |
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|Image file = Nc_dunston_checks_in_by_marobot-d4rb7ha.jpg |
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|Row 4 info = [[Thomas and the Magic Railroad]] |
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|Row 4 info = [[Thomas and the Magic Railroad]] |
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|Row 5 title = Link |
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|Row 5 title = Link |
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|Row 5 info = http://thatguywiththeglasses.com/videolinks/thatguywiththeglasses/nostalgia-critic/34418-dunston-checks-in}}</p> |
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|Row 5 info = http://channelawesome.com/nostalgia-critic-dunston-checks-in/ |
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}}NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it—MONKEYS AREN’T FUNNY! |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it—MONKEYS AREN’T FUNNY! (Movie posters featuring monkeys (plus a couple images of real-life monkeys) are shown)</p>
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(Movie posters featuring monkeys (plus a couple images of real-life monkeys) are shown) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): SO WHY DO WE KEEP USING ‘EM? Well, I guess it’s because they’re so easy to train. And to their credit, they’re the only animal that ''can'' come close to doing some real acting. When a monkey needs to look sad, they can look sad. When a monkey needs to look happy, they can look happy.</p>
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NC (voiceover): So why do we keep using 'em? Well, I guess it’s because they’re so easy to train. And to their credit, they’re the only animal that ''can'' come close to doing some real acting. When a monkey needs to look sad, they can look sad. When a monkey needs to look happy, they can look happy. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: When a monkey needs to PISS you off, it makes “Dunston Checks In”!</p>
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NC: When a monkey needs to PISS you off, it makes ''Dunston Checks In''! |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The title screen for “Dunston Checks In” is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the movie)</p>
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(The title screen for ''Dunston Checks In'' is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the movie) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Even for 1996, these were old, tired, uninventive jokes. Some person falls in something, the monkey smiles, and somebody shrugs. I wouldn’t show that to a dying child who could only be saved by watching a movie but “Dunston Checks In” is the only movie around…</p>
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NC (voiceover): Even for 1996, these were old, tired, uninventive jokes. Some person falls in something, the monkey smiles, and somebody shrugs. I wouldn’t show that to a dying child who could only be saved by watching a movie, but ''Dunston Checks In'' is the only movie around… |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Because…the other movies were ''destroyed'' by…this one being so bad…yet somehow it can provide the cure for this...very…odd disease—SEE? IT’S SUCKING THE FUNNY OUT OF ME! Let’s get this over with!</p>
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NC: Because…the other movies were ''destroyed'' by…this one being so bad…yet somehow it can provide the cure for this...very…odd disease—SEE? IT’S SUCKING THE FUNNY OUT OF ME! Let’s get this over with! |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The movie begins)</p>
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(The movie begins) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): We start off with a man entering a hotel played by Glenn Shadix. We then see a little kid named Kyle watching from afar.</p>
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NC (voiceover): We start off with a man entering a hotel, played by Glenn Shadix. We then see a little kid named Kyle watching from afar. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Kyle: (communicates to his brother Brian via walkie talkie while hiding in an air vent) You should see this lady who checked in. She weighs about a thousand pounds.</p>
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Kyle (Eric Lloyd): (communicates to his brother Brian via walkie-talkie while hiding in an air vent) You should see this lady who checked in. She weighs about a thousand pounds. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Brian: (communicates back while in the boiler room) That’s a physical impossibility. And stay focused; we’re on a mission here.</p>
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Brian (Graham Sack): (communicates back while in the boiler room) That’s a physical impossibility. And stay focused; we’re on a mission here. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Kyle: Sorry.</p>
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Kyle: Sorry. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Ah, so this is where “Hugo” stole all their material from. You know what? I’ll allow it. It’s better than this! “Hugo” had a mechanical man as opposed to a monkey!</p>
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NC (voiceover): Ah, so this is where ''Hugo'' stole all their material from. You know what? I’ll allow it. It’s better than this! ''Hugo'' had a mechanical man as opposed to a monkey! |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Same thing was gonna happen with “Terminator,” but they fixed that! (A Photoshopped image of the Terminator with a chimpanzee’s head superimposed over it is shown)</p>
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NC: Same thing was gonna happen with ''Terminator'', but they fixed that! (A Photoshopped image of the Terminator with a chimpanzee’s head superimposed over it is shown) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Kyle: (radios to Brian) Okay. Go!</p>
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Kyle: (radios to Brian) Okay. Go! |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): But Kyle and his brother Brian want to cause trouble because…the script really wants that.</p>
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NC (voiceover): But Kyle and his brother Brian want to cause trouble because…the script really wants that. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Brian has turned a wheel in the boiler room to turn off the water coming from the mouth of a statue in the lobby’s fountain; a male employee (named Norm) notices this and comes closer to look further into it)</p>
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(Brian has turned a wheel in the boiler room to turn off the water coming from the mouth of a statue in the lobby’s fountain; a male employee (named Norm) notices this and comes closer to look further into it) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Kyle: Now, now, now, now!</p>
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Kyle: Now, now, now, now! |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Brian: (turns back the wheel too fast and it falls off) No! No!</p>
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Brian: (turns back the wheel too fast and it falls off) No! No! |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The wheel’s becoming loose increases the water’s pressure to full blast; Norm ducks before the fountain statue sprays a full blast of water at the back of an opera lady’s head; the opera lady shrieks and moves out of the way before the water is sprayed on the back of Lionel Spalding (Shadix), to which he reacts and ends up throwing his small dog in the air behind him before it lands in the opera lady’s arms, causing her to fall backwards into the fountain)</p>
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(The wheel’s becoming loose increases the water’s pressure to full blast; Norm ducks before the fountain statue sprays a full blast of water at the back of an opera lady’s head; the opera lady shrieks and moves out of the way before the water is sprayed on the back of Lionel Spalding (Shadix), to which he reacts and ends up throwing his small dog in the air behind him before it lands in the opera lady’s arms, causing her to fall backwards into the fountain) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Okay, I'm sorry.</p>
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NC (voiceover): Okay, I'm sorry. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: I know it’s early in the review, but I gotta give a short little comedy lesson here. (He clears his throat) Water is not funny. (Beat) It-It’s not. It can…be funny if it’s used to inflict pain.</p>
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NC: I know it’s early in the review, but I gotta give a short little comedy lesson here. (He clears his throat) Water is not funny. (Beat) It-It’s not. It can…be funny if it’s used to inflict pain. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Stanley Spadowski (from “UHF”): Open wide! (He sprays a fire hose at the mouth of a boy in a cowboy costume, causing him to be propelled backward from the water’s high pressure)</p>
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Stanley Spadowski (from ''UHF''): Open wide! (He sprays a fire hose at the mouth of a boy in a cowboy costume, causing him to be propelled backward from the water’s high pressure) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: That’s funny. Or…may be used to calm somebody down.</p>
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NC: That’s funny. Or…maybe used to calm somebody down. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Leo Bloom (from 1968’s “The Producers”): (is hysterical and just got drenched with water by Max Bialystock in hopes of being able to calm down) I’m WET!</p>
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Leo Bloom (from 1968’s ''The Producers''): (is hysterical and just got drenched with water by Max Bialystock in hopes of being able to calm down) I’m WET! |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: That’s funny. But…if it’s just used to…</p>
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NC: That’s funny. But…if it’s just used to… |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): …get somebody wet, what are you left with? (Beat) Somebody who’s fucking wet!</p>
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NC (voiceover): …get somebody wet, what are you left with? (Beat) Somebody who’s fucking wet! |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (holds a cup full of water in one hand) Look! Look it! (He proceeds to pour the water on top of his head) OHH NO! OH, I’M WET! I’M WET! (He puts the cup aside) Oh, how embarrassing! This will eventually...dry off at some point! There’s no…physical repercussions for…any of this—Yeah, seriously, people. Physical comedy is the best way to go! (He is then suddenly punched by a boxer’s arm and goes flying off-screen before we hear a crash)</p>
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NC: (holds a cup full of water in one hand) Look! Look it! (He proceeds to pour the water on top of his head) OHH, NO! OH, I’M WET! I’M WET! (He puts the cup aside) Oh, how embarrassing! This will eventually...dry off at some point! There’s no…physical repercussions for…any of this—Yeah, seriously, people. Physical comedy is the best way to go! (He is then suddenly punched by a boxer’s arm and goes flying off-screen before we hear a crash) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): And insert depressing casting choice in 3, 2, 1. (The camera pans over to the hotel manager Robert Grant (Jason Alexander), witnessing the commotion caused by Kyle and Brian’s prank) Oh, Jason. Oh, oh, oh, Jason. Come on, who’d you kill? What crime did you commit to have to be subjected to this punishment? You couldn’t have read the script while doing “Seinfeld” and actually said to yourself, “Hey! This has potential!” It has to be to make you suffer for something!</p>
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NC (voiceover): And insert depressing casting choice in 3, 2, 1. (The camera pans over to the hotel manager Robert Grant (Jason Alexander), witnessing the commotion caused by Kyle and Brian’s prank) Oh, Jason. Oh, oh, oh, Jason. Come on, who’d you kill? What crime did you commit to have to be subjected to this punishment? You couldn’t have read the script while doing ''Seinfeld'' and actually said to yourself, “Hey! This has potential!” It has to be to make you suffer for something! |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Come on, come on, you can tell me. It’s… (He looks around before leaning in close to the camera to speak as though in secret) it’s because Jerry knew you were funnier than him, right? This was his way of putting you in your place?</p>
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NC: Come on, come on, you can tell me. It’s… (He looks around before leaning in close to the camera to speak as though in secret) it’s because Jerry knew you were funnier than him, right? This was his way of putting you in your place? |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): He’s in charge of running the hotel, and making sure everything goes according to plan. And, let me guess, he’s the boys’… (The word “Father” appears next to a picture of Darth Vader with a “Ding!” sound, which repeats for each of the following) and the mother is… (The word “Kaput” appears next to a picture of Bambi’s mother) and a great big fancy party is happening… (The word “Tomorrow appears next to a picture of Little Orphan Annie and her dog Sandy) and the odds of any plot device being original in this movie is… (The word “Zero” appears next to a picture of the video game character of the same name)</p>
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NC (voiceover): He’s in charge of running the hotel, and making sure everything goes according to plan. And, let me guess, he’s the boys’… (The word “Father” appears next to a picture of [[Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back|Darth Vader]] with a “Ding!” sound, which repeats for each of the following) and the mother is… (The word “Kaput” appears next to a picture of [[Bambi|Bambi’s]] [[Top 11 Saddest Moments|mother]]) and a great big fancy party is happening… (The word “Tomorrow" appears next to a picture of Little Orphan Annie and her dog Sandy) and the odds of any plot device being original in this movie is… (The word “Zero” appears next to a picture of the video game character of the same name) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Could you just…fax me the disappointment I’m going to receive?</p>
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NC: Could you just…fax me the disappointment I’m going to receive? |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): We then see the arrival of Dunston in a box with no holes in it—that’s promising—who belongs to a performance devoid of any caring by Rupert Everett.</p>
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NC (voiceover): We then see the arrival of Dunston in a box with no holes in it—that’s promising—who belongs to a performance devoid of any caring by Rupert Everett. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Lord Rutledge (Everett): (to Kyle, who is curious about the trunk) That’s better. I can do all sorts of tricks. Do you know what my speciality is, hmm?</p>
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Lord Rutledge (Everett): (to Kyle, who is curious about the trunk) That’s better. You know, I can do all sorts of tricks. Do you know what my specialty is, hmm? |
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Kyle: No. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Kyle: No.</p> |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Rutledge: (speaks sinisterly) I can make nosey little boys disappear.</p>
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Rutledge: (speaks sinisterly) I can make nosey little boys disappear. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Look, I know you’re trying to out-bad your Dr. Claw performance, but trust me, nobody’s gonna steal the thunder from that.</p>
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NC (voiceover): Look, I know you’re trying to out-bad your [[Inspector Gadget|Dr. Claw]] performance, but trust me, nobody’s gonna steal the thunder from that. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Though if there’s anyone that can overact you, it’s you.</p>
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NC: Though if there’s anyone that can overact you, it’s you. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Rutledge: Sad.</p>
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Rutledge: Sad. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): And speaking of not giving a shit about a performance, Faye Dunaway is in this movie, too, playing the owner of the hotel. Is it any coincidence that the movie she did before this was called “Drunks”? (The movie poster for said movie is shown) Maybe that’s why she said “Yes” to this stinker.</p>
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NC (voiceover): And speaking of not giving a shit about a performance, Faye Dunaway is in this movie, too, playing the owner of the hotel. Is it any coincidence that the movie she did before this was called ''Drunks''? (The movie poster for said movie is shown) Maybe that’s why she said “Yes” to this stinker. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Elena Dubrow (Dunaway): (to Robert) The ''Le Monde ''people have decided to award a sixth star to the most elite hotels in the world.</p>
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Elena Dubrow (Dunaway): (to Robert) The ''Le Monde'' people have decided to award a sixth star to the most elite hotels in the world. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Yeah, that’s right. They might be running the first six-star hotel. Kind of defeats the purpose of a five-star rating, but whatever. That would apparently mean that he has to cancel his vacation with his kids for a third time.</p>
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NC (voiceover): Yeah, that’s right. They might be running the first six-star hotel. Kind of defeats the purpose of a five-star rating, but whatever. That would apparently mean that he has to cancel his vacation with his kids for a third time. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Elena: Robert, I know it’s an inconvenience.</p>
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Elena: Robert, I know it’s an inconvenience. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Robert: Uh, yes.</p>
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Robert: Uh, yes. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Elena: When we get the sixth star, you are in for a big bonus, and you can take them someplace fabulous. (Kyle is seen hiding under a desk, listening to all this) But if we don’t get the sixth star, well…time off just won’t be a problem, will it?</p>
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Elena: When we get the sixth star, you are in for a big bonus, and you can take them someplace fabulous. (Kyle is seen hiding under a desk, listening to all this) But if we don’t get the sixth star, well…time off just won’t be a problem, will it? |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): She’s gonna fire someone for ''not'' taking three vacations? Isn’t that like having a waiter pay you for the meal he just brought?</p>
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NC (voiceover): She’s gonna fire someone for ''not'' taking three vacations? Isn’t that like having a waiter pay you for the meal he just brought? |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to Lord Rutledge in his hotel room opening his trunk)</p>
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(Cut to Lord Rutledge in his hotel room opening his trunk) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Rutledge: Let’s get to work.</p>
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Rutledge: Let’s get to work. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(In the trunk, a black curtain is pulled open to reveal an orangutan named Dunston, grinning and chuckling)</p>
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(In the trunk, a black curtain is pulled open to reveal an orangutan named Dunston, grinning and chuckling) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So it turns out Dunston is being used by Everett to steal a woman’s jewels on the next floor.</p>
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NC (voiceover): So it turns out Dunston is being used by Everett to steal a woman’s jewels on the next floor. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(While climbing up the side of the hotel, Dunston looks in through a window to see Kyle playing around with Lionel’s dog (named Neil) while waiting to use an elevator)</p>
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(While climbing up the side of the hotel, Dunston looks in through a window to see Kyle playing around with Lionel’s dog (named Neil) while waiting to use an elevator) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Kyle: (to Neil, while hugging him) Yes, you’re a good doggy. (He puts Neil down on the floor) Up! (Neil jumps into his arms) Yes, good boy.</p>
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Kyle: (to Neil, while hugging him) Yes, you’re a good puppy. Yes, yes. You want a doggy treat? (He puts Neil down on the floor) Up! (Neil jumps into his arms) Yes, good boy. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Aww. You will believe that a monkey can be horribly beaten by his trainer to cry.</p>
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NC (voiceover): Aww. You will believe that a monkey can be horribly beaten by his trainer to cry. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to Dunston having climbed through an open window into a rich woman’s hotel room)</p>
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(Cut to Dunston having climbed through an open window into a rich woman’s hotel room) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So he goes in to steal the jewels while…going through an experimental phase.</p>
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NC (voiceover): So he goes in to steal the jewels while…going through an experimental phase. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Dunston is seen trying on different hats in front of a mirror; at one point, he finds a pair of panties and puts it over his head before making kissing faces)</p>
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(Dunston is seen trying on different hats in front of a mirror; at one point, he finds a pair of panties and puts it over his head before making kissing faces) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (Voiceover): (sarcastically finds this hysterical) I—wha—that goes on a LADY, Dunston, not on your head! Oh, I never! (speaks normally) So after he gets the jewels, he hears Kyle on the roof and goes to check it out.</p>
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NC (voiceover): (sarcastically finds this hysterical) I—wha—that goes on a LADY, Dunston, not on your head! Oh, I never! (speaks normally) So after he gets the jewels, he hears Kyle on the roof and goes to check it out. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Neil barks, sensing Dunston is near; Dunston hides underneath the ledge, out of sight)</p>
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(Neil barks, sensing Dunston is near; Dunston hides underneath the ledge, out of sight) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Kyle: What’s the matter?</p>
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Kyle: What’s the matter? |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Neil runs up to the ledge; Kyle falls to the ground as a result of having held onto his leash a bit too long)</p>
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(Neil runs up to the ledge; Kyle falls to the ground as a result of having held onto his leash a bit too long) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Kyle: Neil!</p>
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Kyle: Neil! |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Neil climbs onto the ledge and jumps off it, over Dunston)</p>
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(Neil climbs onto the ledge and jumps off it, over Dunston) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (Voiceover):<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Whoa! This movie got dark in a millisecond!</p>
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NC (voiceover): Whoa! This movie got dark in a millisecond! |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Oh, my God! Does this mean this movie actually has a good sense of humor—?</p>
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NC: Oh, my God! Does this mean this movie actually has a good sense of humor—? |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to Neil climbing out of a garbage dumpster before we see Kyle return Neil to his owner)</p>
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(Cut to Neil climbing out of a garbage dumpster before we see Kyle return Neil to his owner) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (Voiceover): D’OHH, HE LIVES! Gah, we substituted pain, or—even better—DEATH for just a damn messy joke again.</p>
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NC (voiceover): D’OHH, HE LIVES! Gah, we substituted pain, or—even better—DEATH for just a damn messy joke again. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Curse it, movie. You gave me hope that an animal could die in this film!</p>
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NC: Curse it, movie. You gave me hope that an animal could die in this film! |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): But Dunston decides to go rogue and keeps the jewels for himself.</p>
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NC (voiceover): But Dunston decides to go rogue and keeps the jewels for himself. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Rutledge goes after Dunston after Dunston climbs out the window and onto the air shaft)</p>
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(Rutledge goes after Dunston after Dunston climbs out the window and onto the air shaft) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Rutledge: (is at the window) Dunston! Dunston, come back here! Dunston, I got some lovely bananas here.</p>
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Rutledge: (is at the window) Dunston! Dunston, come back here! Dunston, I've got some lovely bananas here. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Dunston hangs on the air shaft and pats his rear while grinning)</p>
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(Dunston hangs on the air shaft and pats his rear while grinning) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Rutledge: Don’t wave your hairy bottom at me! (Dunston escapes into the air shaft) DUNSTON!</p>
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Rutledge: Don’t wave your hairy bottom at me! (Dunston escapes into the air shaft) DUNSTON! |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): You know, I have to admit, for as over-the-top as he is, he’s still more subtle than the Duke from “Moulin Rouge.” (Footage of the Duke is shown briefly) I don’t know if that’s something to be PROUD of, as most people share that distinction, but it’s still worth noting. (Back to the movie) So Kyle tells his dad about seeing Dunston, but his dad doesn’t believe him. So he sets up a video camera to try to film some paranormal ape-tivity.</p>
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NC (voiceover): You know, I have to admit, for as over-the-top as he is, he’s still more subtle than the Duke from [[Moulin Rouge|''Moulin Rouge'']]. (Footage of the Duke is shown briefly) I don’t know if that’s something to be PROUD of, as most people share that distinction, but it’s still worth noting. (Back to the movie) So Kyle tells his dad about seeing Dunston, but his dad doesn’t believe him. So he sets up a video camera to try to film some paranormal ape-tivity. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to Dunston pestering Robert while he’s sleeping by tapping him on the back)</p>
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(Cut to Dunston pestering Robert while he’s sleeping by tapping him on the back) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Robert: Kyle, go to sleep.</p>
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Robert: Kyle, go to sleep. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): My God, they’re not. You’ve done every single monkey cliché in the book, you’re not honestly going to do—(Dunston crawls into bed with Robert) Yup! They’re doing the “monkey in the bed” routine, where the person mistakes some sort of strange animal for a human being in their bed.</p>
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NC (voiceover): My God, they’re not. You’ve done every single monkey cliché in the book, you’re not honestly going to do—(Dunston crawls into bed with Robert) Yup! They’re doing the “monkey in the bed” routine, where the person mistakes some sort of strange animal for a human being in their bed. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: People, I’m not kidding! This joke has been around since the dawn of time! (Beat) No, really! I’m not joking! It was there at the birth of man! Look!</p>
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NC: People, I’m not kidding! This joke has been around since the dawn of time! (Beat) No, really! I’m not joking! It was there at the birth of man! Look! |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to the opening scene of “2001: A Space Odyssey” with NC providing subtitles for what the monkeys are saying to each other)</p>
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(Cut to the opening scene of ''2001: A Space Odyssey'' with NC providing subtitles for what the monkeys are saying to each other) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Various Monkeys (from “2001”): "Hey, guys, I totally think we should do a bit where a guy sleeps in a bed with a monkey and he doesn’t know it.” “I dunno, that sounds like it might get old fast.” “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” “We’re also gonna put babies in Super Bowl commercials! That will never get old!" “Babies? Genius! Can we make them horribly lip-sync?” “YES…” “WE…” “CAN!!!!”</p>
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Various Monkeys (from ''2001''): "Hey, guys, I totally think we should do a bit where a guy sleeps in a bed with a monkey and he doesn’t know it.” “I dunno, that sounds like it might get old fast.” “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” “We’re also gonna put babies in Super Bowl commercials! That will never get old!" “Babies? Genius! Can we make them horribly lip-sync?” “YES…” “WE…” “CAN!!!!” |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Back to the movie)</p>
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(Back to the movie) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): The monkey, of course, eventually leaves, but comes across Kyle on top of a laundry chute.</p>
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NC (voiceover): The monkey, of course, eventually leaves, but comes across Kyle on top of a laundry chute. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Dunston has jumped into Kyle’s arms, making them both fall down the chute head first and scream)</p>
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(Dunston has jumped into Kyle’s arms, making them both fall down the chute head first and scream) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Thank God they fall in an absolute straight line with no movement or weight distribution getting in the way, or else they’d break their necks instantly, ha-ha.</p>
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NC (voiceover): Thank God they fall in an absolute straight line with no movement or weight distribution getting in the way, or else they’d break their necks instantly, ha-ha. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Dunston and Kyle land safely in one of the laundry carts filled with bed sheets)</p>
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(Dunston and Kyle land safely in one of the laundry carts filled with bed sheets) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Kyle: (has taken a good look at Dunston for the very first time) Whoa.</p>
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Kyle: (has taken a good look at Dunston) Whoa. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Oh, I’m sorry, that’s sloppy screenwriting for “I sense an immediate connection with you.”</p>
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NC (voiceover): Oh, I’m sorry, that’s sloppy screenwriting for “I sense an immediate connection with you.” |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to Dunston walking in a massage room with the massager (named William) having walked out of the room while a hotel guest (named Mrs. Dellacroce) lies on her front on a table, waiting to receive more of her massage)</p>
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(Cut to Dunston walking in a massage room with the massager (named William) having walked out of the room while a hotel guest (named Mrs. Dellacroce) lies on her front on a table, waiting to receive more of her massage) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): I think it also translates out to—Remember that scene we did a moment ago with a person not realizing that you’re behind him? Remember how unfunny that was? You want to do it again? LET’S DO IT AGAIN!</p>
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NC (voiceover): I think it also translates out to—Remember that scene we did a moment ago with a person not realizing that you’re behind him? Remember how unfunny that was? You want to do it again? LET’S DO IT AGAIN! |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Dunston has squirted lotion on Mrs. Dellacroce's bare back and rubs it all over)</p>
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(Dunston has squirted lotion on Mrs. Dellacroce's bare back and rubs it all over) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Mrs. Dellacroce: (thinks it’s William) [I didn’t hear you] come in. Ooh, that’s just how I like it. (Dunston now stands on her back and waves his arms around) Oh, you are astounding! I don’t know what you’re doing, but it’s fabulous.</p>
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+ |
Mrs. Dellacroce: (thinks it’s William) [I didn’t hear you] come in. Ooh, that’s just how I like it. (Dunston now stands on her back and waves his arms around) Oh, you are astounding! I don’t know what you’re doing, but it’s fabulous. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Clint Eastwood (from “The Critic” TV cartoon show): (is asleep while Clyde the monkey kisses him on the cheek) Someone’s kissing me. It must be a beautiful woman. (He kisses Clyde on the lips) Now, I’ll make sweet love to you while keeping my eyes closed the whole time.</p>
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+ |
Clint Eastwood (from ''The Critic''): (is asleep while Clyde the monkey kisses him on the cheek) Someone’s kissing me. It must be a beautiful woman. (He kisses Clyde on the lips) Now, I’ll make sweet love to you while keeping my eyes closed the whole time. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Mrs. Dellacroce: More, William, more!</p>
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Mrs. Dellacroce: More, William, more! |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): But this time, the father sees Dunston (in a greenhouse) and…I have to admit, this is a pretty funny scene.</p>
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NC (voiceover): But this time, the father sees Dunston (in a greenhouse) and…I have to admit, this is a pretty funny scene. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Robert: (tries to summon Dunston to him) Come here, come here. (He looks up and screams)</p>
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Robert: (tries to summon Dunston to him) Come here, come here. (He looks up and screams) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Sudden cut to two old women waiting quietly for Robert’s return to a meeting they’re having while Dunston jumps onto Robert in the background)</p>
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(Sudden cut to two old women waiting quietly for Robert’s return to a meeting they’re having while Dunston jumps onto Robert in the background) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): I’ll confess that gets a little bit of a chuckle out of me. But good God, is there anything remotely funny,'' remotely'' humorous that can be brought in to breathe some life into this movie?</p>
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NC (voiceover): I’ll confess, that gets a little bit of a chuckle out of me. But good God, is there anything remotely funny,'' remotely'' humorous that can be brought in to breathe some life into this movie? |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Pee Wee Herman (from “Pee Wee’s Big Adventure,” dubbed by NC in a low voice): (dressed as a bellhop) Paging Mr. Herman. Mr. Herman, you have a crappy movie to save with a monkey in it.</p>
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+ |
Pee-wee Herman (from ''Pee-wee’s Big Adventure'', dubbed by NC in a low voice): (dressed as a bellhop) Paging Mr. Herman. Mr. Herman, you have a crappy movie to save with a monkey in it. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to black as we get two commercials from blip.tv before returning to the review)</p>
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(Cut to black as we get two commercials from blip.tv before returning to the review. A bag is dropped on the floor in the hotel lobby as the camera pans up to reveal Buck LaFarge (Paul Reubens), an animal exterminator) |
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NC (voiceover): Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we have Pee -wee, or Paul Reubens, to be more precise! Yeah, I know. He’s in ''Dunston Checks In'' because his ding-a-ling checked out, but who cares? He’s one of the only people to put any energy in this flick! |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(A bag is dropped on the floor in the hotel lobby as the camera pans up to reveal Buck LaFarge (Paul Reubens), an animal exterminator)</p> |
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Buck LaFarge: (to Robert and Elena, while doing odd things to some items on the desk, like lifting off the top of a box, lifting up a lamp, and flipping a card stack to one side) You think it might be cute to put a baby orangutan in your kid’s basket. Well, at first , it is cute. Then it gets bigger. The kids lose interest. And then one night, you flush it down the toilet. |
⚫ |
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we have Pee Wee, or Paul Reubens, to be more precise! Yeah, I know. He’s in “Dunston Checks In” because his ding-a-ling checked out, but who cares? He’s one of the only people to put any energy in this flick! </p> |
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NC: Okay, so he’s not…”funny” funny, but he tries to… |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Buck LaFarge: (to Robert and Elena, while doing odd things to some items on the desk, like lifting off the top of a box, lifting up a lamp, and flipping a card stack to one side) You think it might be cute to put a baby orangutan in your kid’s basket. Well, at first it is cute. Then it gets bigger. The kids lose interest. And then one night, you flush it down the toilet. </p> |
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NC (voiceover): … kill the monkey, and that gets brownie points in my book! |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Okay, so he’s not…”funny” funny, but he tries to… </p> |
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(Buck falls backwards in the greenhouse because his shoelaces were tied together (done by Kyle while Dunston had distracted him) and inadvertently shoots his gun through a glass panel) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): … kill the monkey, and that gets brownie points in my book! </p> |
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NC (voiceover): But Dunston gets away and works his way to—(Kyle has followed Dunston and finds that there’s blood on a metal banister) Holy crap. Blood? Really? Hey-hey, maybe chilled monkey brains isn’t off the menu! |
⚫ |
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Buck falls backwards in the greenhouse because his shoelaces were tied together (done by Kyle while Dunston had distracted him) and inadvertently shoots his gun through a glass panel) </p> |
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(Cut to Brian and Kyle in Kyle’s room taking a look at Dunston’s bloodied hand (caused by a cut from the broken glass Buck had accidentally shot out earlier)) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): But Dunston gets away and works his way to—(Kyle has followed Dunston and finds that there’s blood on a metal banister) Holy crap. Blood? Really? Hey-hey, maybe chilled monkey brains isn’t off the menu! </p> |
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Brian: Whoa. |
⚫ |
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to Brian and Kyle in Kyle’s room taking a look at Dunston’s bloodied hand (caused by a cut from the broken glass Buck had accidentally shot out earlier)) </p> |
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NC (voiceover): Oh, for God’s sakes, it’s just a cut on his hand! WOULD IT KILL THIS MOVIE IF YOU JUST…KILL THIS MOVIE?! |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Brian: Whoa.</p> |
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Brian: (successfully removes a piece of glass from Dunston’s wound with a pair of tweezers) Got it. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Oh, for God’s sakes, it’s just a cut on his hand! WOULD IT KILL THIS MOVIE IF YOU JUST…KILL THIS MOVIE?! </p> |
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Kyle: We got it, Dunston. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Brian: (successfully removes a piece of glass from Dunston’s wound with a pair of tweezers) Got it. </p> |
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NC ( voiceover): So they fix it that Dunston gets one of the rooms, as we partake in yet another implausible favorite of the “Kids are too stupid to question it” file: the half-assed disguise! |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Kyle: We got it, Dunston. </p> |
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(Brian and Kyle escort Dunston (disguised as an old man and riding in a wheelchair) out of an elevator) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC ( Voiceover): So they fix it that Dunston gets one of the rooms, as we partake in yet another implausible favorite of the “Kids are too stupid to question it” file: the half-assed disguise! </p> |
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Kyle: Let’s go, Dr. Ngoc. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Brian and Kyle escort Dunston (disguised as an old man and riding in a wheelchair) out of an elevator) </p> |
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NC: Okay, so… (An image of Clark Kent (played by Christopher Reeve) is shown) [[Top 11 Dumbest Superman Moments|Man with glasses ]], fools them. (Am image of live-action Raphael from the ''TMNT '' franchise is shown) [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movies|Turtle with hat ]], fools them. (Back to the movie) Chimp in chair… |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Kyle: Let’s go, Dr. Ngoc. </p> |
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(NC outweighs on the possible outcome and gets fed up, pushing an imaginary button on his desk) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Okay, so… (An image of Clark Kent (played by Christopher Reeve) is shown) Man with glasses, fools them. (Am image of live-action Raphael from the TMNT franchise is shown) Turtle with hat, fools them. (Back to the movie) Chimp in chair… </p> |
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Bela Lugosi (from ''Ed Wood''): (audio) Bullshit! (Accompanying text appears on-screen) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(NC outweighs on the possible outcome and gets fed up, pushing an imaginary button on his desk) </p> |
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Elena: (to Robert) Do you think there’s a way we can keep your boys locked in their rooms? You know, just ‘til the Crystal Ball is over? |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Bela Lugosi (from “Ed Wood”): (audio) Bullshit! (Accompanying text appears on-screen) </p> |
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Robert: Mrs. Dubrow, I can assure you that there will be no further incidents. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Elena: (to Robert) Do you think there’s a way we can keep your boys locked in their rooms? You know, just ‘til the Crystal Ball is over? </p> |
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NC (voiceover): Yeah, we know. Cut. (speaks over Robert’s next line of dialogue) Cut. Cut. Cut. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Robert: Mrs. Dubrow, I can assure you that there will be no further incidents. </p> |
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Robert: As of this moment, they are both on their best behavior. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Yeah, we know. Cut. (speaks over Robert’s next line of dialogue) Cut. Cut. Cut. </p> |
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(Cut to Brian, Kyle and Dunston causing mischief in an Egyptian-themed hotel room) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Robert: As of this moment, they are both on their best behavior. </p> |
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NC: Hey, you know what would have been really funny? Uh, if you did something funny. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to Brian, Kyle and Dunston causing mischief in an Egyptian-themed hotel room) </p> |
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NC (voiceover): Rupert Everett finds them in the room and does what most people wanted to do since the first [[The Santa Clause|''Santa Clause'']] movie. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Hey, you know what would have been really funny? Uh, if you did something funny. </p> |
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(Rutledge has Kyle tied up and placed in a bathtub before placing masking tape over Kyle’s mouth) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Rupert Everett finds them in the room and does what most people wanted to do since the first “Santa Clause” movie. </p> |
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⚫ |
Rutledge: [He just became] an even more endangered species. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Rutledge has Kyle tied up and placed in a bathtub before placing masking tape over Kyle’s mouth) </p> |
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NC (voiceover): All right, just one more for the nose, and I’ll consider this a happy ending. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Rutledge: An even more endangered species. </p> |
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(After leaving the bathroom and shutting the door behind himself, Rutledge sees Dunston hold out his arms as though wanting a hug) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Alright, just one more for the nose, and I’ll consider this a happy ending. </p> |
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Rutledge: Oh, so now we’re feeling repentant. Go on, then. Give Daddy a big hug. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(After leaving the bathroom and shutting the door behind himself, Rutledge sees Dunston hold out his arms as though wanting a hug) </p> |
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(Rutledge gives Dunston a hug before Dunston bites him on the ear) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Rutledge: Oh, so now we’re feeling repentant. Go on, then. Give Daddy a big hug. </p> |
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Rutledge: AHH! (Dunston quickly escapes the room) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Rutledge gives Dunston a hug before Dunston bites him on the ear) </p> |
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NC (voiceover): (sarcastically) Oh, no! He opened his mouth and they added a biting sound effect! Good thing that doesn’t leave any marks whatsoever! |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Rutledge: AHH! (Dunston quickly escapes the room) </p> |
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(Rutledge leaves the room to go find Dunston, while Dunston hangs up high and out of sight) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (sarcastically) Oh, no! He opened his mouth and they added a biting sound effect! Good thing that doesn’t leave any marks whatsoever! </p> |
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NC (voiceover): So he (Dunston) gets the kid loose and they (Kyle and Brian) go downstairs to the ballroom where they fill the father in on what happened. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Rutledge leaves the room to go find Dunston, while Dunston hangs up high and out of sight) </p> |
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⚫ |
Robert: (to Kyle) He tied you up?! |
⚫ |
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So he (Dunston) gets the kid loose and they (Kyle and Brian) go downstairs to the ballroom where they fill the father in on what happened. </p> |
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⚫ |
Kyle: Yes, and he’s gonna hurt Dunston if he finds him. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Robert: (to Kyle) He tied you up?! </p> |
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Robert: Okay. You guys, you split up, you find the monkey, and you take him upstairs to the apartment. I’m gonna take care of Lord Rutledge. |
⚫ |
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Kyle: Yes, and he’s gonna hurt Dunston if he finds him. </p> |
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NC: Uh, no, let’s try this again. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Robert: Okay. You guys, you split up, you find the monkey, and you take him upstairs to the apartment. I’m gonna take care of Lord Rutledge. </p> |
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⚫ |
(NC rewinds the footage back a bit) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Uh, no, let’s try this again. </p> |
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Robert: He tied you up?! |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(NC rewinds the footage back a bit) </p> |
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Kyle: Yes, and he’s gonna hurt Dunston if he finds him. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Robert: He tied you up?!</p> |
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NC (voiceover ; dubs over Robert) : I’m calling the police. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Kyle: Yes, and he’s gonna hurt Dunston if he finds him. </p> |
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(NC adds in footage of police cars showing up and then a cut of Rutledge being taken away by the police, complete with a “THE END” caption and the ending to the Looney Tunes theme music) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover ): (dubs over Robert) I’m calling the police. </p> |
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NC: But no! Then we couldn’t get all sorts of… |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(NC adds in footage of police cars showing up and then a cut of Rutledge being taken away by the police, complete with a “THE END” caption and the ending to the Looney Tunes theme music) </p> |
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NC (voiceover): …hilarity with people mostly just getting messy again. Come on, people. Big laughs come from big pain. Throw in some physical humor! Oh, well, actually, I guess we do get this. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: But no! Then we couldn’t get all sorts of… </p> |
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(Lionel Spalding finds Dunston hiding under a table, and Dunston looks up at him) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): …hilarity with people mostly just getting messy again. Come on, people. Big laughs come from big pain. Throw in some physical humor! Oh, well, actually, I guess we do get this. </p> |
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Lionel Spalding: (stands up and shouts to everyone) Monkey head! Monkey… |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Lionel Spalding finds Dunston hiding under a table, and Dunston looks up at him) </p> |
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(Buck slaps Lionel on the cheek) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Lionel Spalding: (stands up and shouts to everyone) Monkey head! Monkey… </p> |
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Lionel Spalding: Why is everyone in this hotel always ''slapping me''?! |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Buck slaps Lionel on the cheek) </p> |
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(Buck slaps Lionel on the cheek again) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Lionel Spalding: Why is everyone in this hotel always ''slapping me''?! </p> |
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NC: (laughs) Can we just make the rest of the movie Pee -wee slapping Otho? |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Buck slaps Lionel on the cheek again) </p> |
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(Footage of Buck slapping Lionel is repeated several times in a row) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (laughs) Can we just make the rest of the movie Pee Wee slapping Otho? </p> |
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NC: In fact, hell, this could be his drug PSA! |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Footage of Buck slapping Lionel is repeated several times in a row) </p> |
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(The repeated footage of Buck slapping Lionel continues with Pee -wee Herman (from his [[The Top 11 Drug PSAs|infamous drug PSA ]]) appearing on the bottom right corner) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: In fact, hell, this could be his drug PSA! </p> |
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Pee -wee Herman (from the drug PSA): This is crack. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The repeated footage of Buck slapping Lionel continues with Pee Wee Herman (from his infamous drug PSA) appearing on the bottom right corner) </p> |
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NC: He’s not entirely wrong. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Pee Wee Herman (from the drug PSA): This is crack. </p> |
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(Cut to Elena finding Kyle near a tall cake with people running about in panic) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: He’s not entirely wrong. </p> |
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Elena: You did this! You brought that monkey into my hotel! (She chases Kyle around the cake) You’ve been nothing but trouble since your daddy started working here! |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to Elena finding Kyle near a tall cake with people running about in panic) </p> |
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NC (voiceover ; sounding bored): Will someone just destroy the cake already? We know it’s coming. We know it’s not gonna be funny, so can we just get it out of the way here? |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Elena: You did this! You brought that monkey into my hotel! (She chases Kyle around the cake) You’ve been nothing but trouble since your daddy started working here! </p> |
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(Having stood on a chair, Elena looks up to see Dunston jump from a crystal chandelier and onto her, making her scream and fall backwards into the cake) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): WILL SOMEONE JUST DESTROY THE CAKE ALREADY? We know it’s coming. We know it’s not gonna be funny, so can we just get it out of the way here? </p> |
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NC: Yeah, by the way, cake isn’t funny either. (Beat) Unless if done with Eddie Izzard or ''Portal ''. (Images of Eddie Izzard’s video “Dress to Kill” and the video game ''Portal: First Slice'' are shown quickly) But those are rare…VERY bizarre exceptions! |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Having stood on a chair, Elena looks up to see Dunston jump from a crystal chandelier and onto her, making her scream and fall backwards into the cake) </p> |
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NC (voiceover): So Everett is arrested, Dunston makes the little “Yes!” motion—I fucking hate you—Alexander gives a look like his career is over, and Dunaway fires him from his job, only to get a job from…her husband? |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Yeah, by the way, cake isn’t funny , either. (Beat) Unless if done with Eddie Izzard or Portal. (Images of Eddie Izzard’s video “Dress to Kill” and the video game “Portal: First Slice” are shown quickly) But those are rare…VERY bizarre exceptions! </p> |
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(Cut to Robert, Eric and Brian being shown plans for another Majestic Hotel by the kind-hearted Victor Dubrow) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So Everett is arrested, Dunston makes the little “Yes!” motion—I fucking hate you—Alexander gives a look like his career is over, and Dunaway fires him from his job, only to get a job from…her husband? </p> |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Victor Dubrow: (to Robert) I want you to stay. This is the finest hotel in the entire chain.</p>
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Victor Dubrow: (to Robert) I want you to stay. This is the finest hotel in the entire chain. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (is confused) What, they didn’t like each other? Did they split up? That’s his weekend ho? I don’t know, but it results in him getting another hotel job in Bali. Why? Because I think the filming crew really wanted a vacation in Bali!</p>
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NC (voiceover; confused): What, they didn’t like each other? Did they split up? That’s his weekend ho? I don’t know, but it results in him getting another hotel job in Bali. Why? Because I think the filming crew really wanted a vacation in Bali! |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Robert: (to Lionel, who is vacationing at the hotel in Bali) As you can see, my family and I…have dedicated to making your stay here at the Bali Majestic…as uneventful and trouble-free as humanly possible.</p>
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Robert: (to Lionel, who is vacationing at the hotel in Bali) As you can see, my family and I…have dedicated to making your stay here at the Bali Majestic…as uneventful and trouble-free as is humanly possible. |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Neil looks up to bark at what’s up in the palm tree above him; the camera pans up to reveal Dunston and his family up at the top and Dunston playing around with a coconut)</p>
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(Neil looks up to bark at what’s up in the palm tree above him; the camera pans up to reveal Dunston and his family up at the top and Dunston playing around with a coconut) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Robert: I can guarantee you with every fiber in my body there will be no further incidents we have to deal with on this trip. And in addition to our native chef, isn’t that…</p>
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Robert: I can guarantee you with every fiber in my body there will be no further incidents we have to deal with on this trip. And in addition to our native chef, isn’t that… |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Lionel looks up and gasps before Dunston drops the coconut from above)</p>
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(Lionel looks up and gasps before Dunston drops the coconut from above) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Lionel Spalding: NOOOO!</p>
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Lionel Spalding: NOOOO! |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The coconut lands on the camera, cutting to black (NC adds in a splotch of blood) before the end credits roll)</p>
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(The coconut lands on the camera, cutting to black (NC adds in a splotch of blood) before the end credits roll) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Okay, no blood, but we do get something truly worse: a rap song!</p>
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NC (voiceover): Okay, no blood, but we do get something truly worse: a rap song! |
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(That rap song being "Have Fun, Go Mad" by Blair, which plays in the credits) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Background Singer: [Ow, ow, ow, ow / All aboard that funk boat that I’m ] about to start sailing now-a… </p> |
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Blair: [Ow, ow, ow, ow / All aboard that funk boat that ] I’m about to start sailing now-a… |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (mocks the singer, making jive gestures with his arms) Yeah! Yo! Monkey in the house! (He slaps his hands on his desk to resume speaking normally) Okay, I would expect this movie to do ''anything'' different that wasn’t…anything different! </p> |
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NC: (mocks the singer, making jive gestures with his arms) Yeah! Yo! Monkey in the house! (He slaps his hands on his desk to resume speaking normally) Fucking A, I wouldn't expect this movie to do ''anything'' different that wasn’t…anything different! |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Clips from the movie play again as NC speaks) </p> |
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(Clips from the movie play again as NC speaks) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): This movie hits every boring note, every boring cliché, every boring character. I guess this is gonna sound strange, but for such a boring tired premise, I’m really shocked it was…THIS BORING AND TIRED! It never takes any risks, never does anything different! I’m just waiting any minute for Clint Eastwood and Clyde to break in and KICK THEIR BORING ASSES! </p> |
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NC (voiceover): This movie hits every boring note, every boring cliché, every boring character. I guess this is gonna sound strange, but for such a boring tired premise, I’m really shocked it was…THIS BORING AND TIRED! It never takes any risks, never does anything different! I’m just waiting any minute for Clint Eastwood and Clyde to break in and KICK THEIR BORING ASSES! |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: So, class, what have we learned today? MONKEYS AREN’T FUNNY! (Accompanying text appears below him briefly) They never have been funny, they never will be funny! (Beat) Unless they’re being used to cheer up a… </p> |
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NC: So, class, what have we learned today? MONKEYS AREN’T FUNNY! (Accompanying text appears below him briefly) They never have been funny, they never will be funny! (Beat) Unless they’re being used to cheer up a… |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Footage of the character Carin from “Patch Adams” is shown) </p> |
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(Footage of the character Carin from [[Patch Adams|''Patch Adams'']] is shown) |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): …fictional dead girlfriend who was molested as a child… </p> |
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NC (voiceover): …fictional dead girlfriend who was molested as a child… |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (brings out a giant stuffed ape) …in which case, they’re hilarious! (He shakes the toy around) WHOO-HOO! WHOO-WHOO! Laughter is the best medicine! WHOO-HOO! (He makes the toy touch itself in the crotch) He touched me there, Doctor! WHOO-HOO-HOO-HOO! I’m the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don’t have to! (He gets up to leave with the toy) OHH-HOO-HOO! HOO! No more monkey business! OHH-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO! I’m going to hell! </p> |
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NC: (brings out a giant stuffed ape) …in which case, they’re hilarious! (He shakes the toy around) WHOO-HOO! WHOO-WHOO! Laughter is the best medicine! WHOO-HOO! (He makes the toy touch itself in the crotch) He touched me there, Doctor! WHOO-HOO-HOO-HOO! I’m the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don’t have to! (He gets up to leave with the toy) OHH-HOO-HOO! HOO! No more monkey business! OHH-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO! I’m going to Hell! |
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<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">THE END</p> |
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<span style="line-height: 115%; font-family: 'Calibri', 'sans-serif'; font-size: 11pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA">Channel Awesome Tagline—Buck: You think it might be cute to put a baby orangutan in your kid’s basket.</span> |
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THE END |
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Channel Awesome Tagline—Buck: You think it might be cute to put a baby orangutan in your kid’s basket. |
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{{NCscripts}} |
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{{NCscripts}} |
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[[Category:Content]] |
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[[Category:Content]] |
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[[Category:Guides]] |
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[[Category:Guides]] |
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[[Category:The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts]] |
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[[Category:20th Century Fox]] |
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[[Category:Transcripts]] |
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[[Category:Nostalgia Critic]] |
Dunston Checks In
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Released
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February 28, 2012
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Running time
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15:05
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Previous review
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Next review
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Link
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NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it—MONKEYS AREN’T FUNNY!
(Movie posters featuring monkeys (plus a couple images of real-life monkeys) are shown)
NC (voiceover): So why do we keep using 'em? Well, I guess it’s because they’re so easy to train. And to their credit, they’re the only animal that can come close to doing some real acting. When a monkey needs to look sad, they can look sad. When a monkey needs to look happy, they can look happy.
NC: When a monkey needs to PISS you off, it makes Dunston Checks In!
(The title screen for Dunston Checks In is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the movie)
NC (voiceover): Even for 1996, these were old, tired, uninventive jokes. Some person falls in something, the monkey smiles, and somebody shrugs. I wouldn’t show that to a dying child who could only be saved by watching a movie, but Dunston Checks In is the only movie around…
NC: Because…the other movies were destroyed by…this one being so bad…yet somehow it can provide the cure for this...very…odd disease—SEE? IT’S SUCKING THE FUNNY OUT OF ME! Let’s get this over with!
(The movie begins)
NC (voiceover): We start off with a man entering a hotel, played by Glenn Shadix. We then see a little kid named Kyle watching from afar.
Kyle (Eric Lloyd): (communicates to his brother Brian via walkie-talkie while hiding in an air vent) You should see this lady who checked in. She weighs about a thousand pounds.
Brian (Graham Sack): (communicates back while in the boiler room) That’s a physical impossibility. And stay focused; we’re on a mission here.
Kyle: Sorry.
NC (voiceover): Ah, so this is where Hugo stole all their material from. You know what? I’ll allow it. It’s better than this! Hugo had a mechanical man as opposed to a monkey!
NC: Same thing was gonna happen with Terminator, but they fixed that! (A Photoshopped image of the Terminator with a chimpanzee’s head superimposed over it is shown)
Kyle: (radios to Brian) Okay. Go!
NC (voiceover): But Kyle and his brother Brian want to cause trouble because…the script really wants that.
(Brian has turned a wheel in the boiler room to turn off the water coming from the mouth of a statue in the lobby’s fountain; a male employee (named Norm) notices this and comes closer to look further into it)
Kyle: Now, now, now, now!
Brian: (turns back the wheel too fast and it falls off) No! No!
(The wheel’s becoming loose increases the water’s pressure to full blast; Norm ducks before the fountain statue sprays a full blast of water at the back of an opera lady’s head; the opera lady shrieks and moves out of the way before the water is sprayed on the back of Lionel Spalding (Shadix), to which he reacts and ends up throwing his small dog in the air behind him before it lands in the opera lady’s arms, causing her to fall backwards into the fountain)
NC (voiceover): Okay, I'm sorry.
NC: I know it’s early in the review, but I gotta give a short little comedy lesson here. (He clears his throat) Water is not funny. (Beat) It-It’s not. It can…be funny if it’s used to inflict pain.
Stanley Spadowski (from UHF): Open wide! (He sprays a fire hose at the mouth of a boy in a cowboy costume, causing him to be propelled backward from the water’s high pressure)
NC: That’s funny. Or…maybe used to calm somebody down.
Leo Bloom (from 1968’s The Producers): (is hysterical and just got drenched with water by Max Bialystock in hopes of being able to calm down) I’m WET!
NC: That’s funny. But…if it’s just used to…
NC (voiceover): …get somebody wet, what are you left with? (Beat) Somebody who’s fucking wet!
NC: (holds a cup full of water in one hand) Look! Look it! (He proceeds to pour the water on top of his head) OHH, NO! OH, I’M WET! I’M WET! (He puts the cup aside) Oh, how embarrassing! This will eventually...dry off at some point! There’s no…physical repercussions for…any of this—Yeah, seriously, people. Physical comedy is the best way to go! (He is then suddenly punched by a boxer’s arm and goes flying off-screen before we hear a crash)
NC (voiceover): And insert depressing casting choice in 3, 2, 1. (The camera pans over to the hotel manager Robert Grant (Jason Alexander), witnessing the commotion caused by Kyle and Brian’s prank) Oh, Jason. Oh, oh, oh, Jason. Come on, who’d you kill? What crime did you commit to have to be subjected to this punishment? You couldn’t have read the script while doing Seinfeld and actually said to yourself, “Hey! This has potential!” It has to be to make you suffer for something!
NC: Come on, come on, you can tell me. It’s… (He looks around before leaning in close to the camera to speak as though in secret) it’s because Jerry knew you were funnier than him, right? This was his way of putting you in your place?
NC (voiceover): He’s in charge of running the hotel, and making sure everything goes according to plan. And, let me guess, he’s the boys’… (The word “Father” appears next to a picture of Darth Vader with a “Ding!” sound, which repeats for each of the following) and the mother is… (The word “Kaput” appears next to a picture of Bambi’s mother) and a great big fancy party is happening… (The word “Tomorrow" appears next to a picture of Little Orphan Annie and her dog Sandy) and the odds of any plot device being original in this movie is… (The word “Zero” appears next to a picture of the video game character of the same name)
NC: Could you just…fax me the disappointment I’m going to receive?
NC (voiceover): We then see the arrival of Dunston in a box with no holes in it—that’s promising—who belongs to a performance devoid of any caring by Rupert Everett.
Lord Rutledge (Everett): (to Kyle, who is curious about the trunk) That’s better. You know, I can do all sorts of tricks. Do you know what my specialty is, hmm?
Kyle: No.
Rutledge: (speaks sinisterly) I can make nosey little boys disappear.
NC (voiceover): Look, I know you’re trying to out-bad your Dr. Claw performance, but trust me, nobody’s gonna steal the thunder from that.
NC: Though if there’s anyone that can overact you, it’s you.
Rutledge: Sad.
NC (voiceover): And speaking of not giving a shit about a performance, Faye Dunaway is in this movie, too, playing the owner of the hotel. Is it any coincidence that the movie she did before this was called Drunks? (The movie poster for said movie is shown) Maybe that’s why she said “Yes” to this stinker.
Elena Dubrow (Dunaway): (to Robert) The Le Monde people have decided to award a sixth star to the most elite hotels in the world.
NC (voiceover): Yeah, that’s right. They might be running the first six-star hotel. Kind of defeats the purpose of a five-star rating, but whatever. That would apparently mean that he has to cancel his vacation with his kids for a third time.
Elena: Robert, I know it’s an inconvenience.
Robert: Uh, yes.
Elena: When we get the sixth star, you are in for a big bonus, and you can take them someplace fabulous. (Kyle is seen hiding under a desk, listening to all this) But if we don’t get the sixth star, well…time off just won’t be a problem, will it?
NC (voiceover): She’s gonna fire someone for not taking three vacations? Isn’t that like having a waiter pay you for the meal he just brought?
(Cut to Lord Rutledge in his hotel room opening his trunk)
Rutledge: Let’s get to work.
(In the trunk, a black curtain is pulled open to reveal an orangutan named Dunston, grinning and chuckling)
NC (voiceover): So it turns out Dunston is being used by Everett to steal a woman’s jewels on the next floor.
(While climbing up the side of the hotel, Dunston looks in through a window to see Kyle playing around with Lionel’s dog (named Neil) while waiting to use an elevator)
Kyle: (to Neil, while hugging him) Yes, you’re a good puppy. Yes, yes. You want a doggy treat? (He puts Neil down on the floor) Up! (Neil jumps into his arms) Yes, good boy.
NC (voiceover): Aww. You will believe that a monkey can be horribly beaten by his trainer to cry.
(Cut to Dunston having climbed through an open window into a rich woman’s hotel room)
NC (voiceover): So he goes in to steal the jewels while…going through an experimental phase.
(Dunston is seen trying on different hats in front of a mirror; at one point, he finds a pair of panties and puts it over his head before making kissing faces)
NC (voiceover): (sarcastically finds this hysterical) I—wha—that goes on a LADY, Dunston, not on your head! Oh, I never! (speaks normally) So after he gets the jewels, he hears Kyle on the roof and goes to check it out.
(Neil barks, sensing Dunston is near; Dunston hides underneath the ledge, out of sight)
Kyle: What’s the matter?
(Neil runs up to the ledge; Kyle falls to the ground as a result of having held onto his leash a bit too long)
Kyle: Neil!
(Neil climbs onto the ledge and jumps off it, over Dunston)
NC (voiceover): Whoa! This movie got dark in a millisecond!
NC: Oh, my God! Does this mean this movie actually has a good sense of humor—?
(Cut to Neil climbing out of a garbage dumpster before we see Kyle return Neil to his owner)
NC (voiceover): D’OHH, HE LIVES! Gah, we substituted pain, or—even better—DEATH for just a damn messy joke again.
NC: Curse it, movie. You gave me hope that an animal could die in this film!
NC (voiceover): But Dunston decides to go rogue and keeps the jewels for himself.
(Rutledge goes after Dunston after Dunston climbs out the window and onto the air shaft)
Rutledge: (is at the window) Dunston! Dunston, come back here! Dunston, I've got some lovely bananas here.
(Dunston hangs on the air shaft and pats his rear while grinning)
Rutledge: Don’t wave your hairy bottom at me! (Dunston escapes into the air shaft) DUNSTON!
NC (voiceover): You know, I have to admit, for as over-the-top as he is, he’s still more subtle than the Duke from Moulin Rouge. (Footage of the Duke is shown briefly) I don’t know if that’s something to be PROUD of, as most people share that distinction, but it’s still worth noting. (Back to the movie) So Kyle tells his dad about seeing Dunston, but his dad doesn’t believe him. So he sets up a video camera to try to film some paranormal ape-tivity.
(Cut to Dunston pestering Robert while he’s sleeping by tapping him on the back)
Robert: Kyle, go to sleep.
NC (voiceover): My God, they’re not. You’ve done every single monkey cliché in the book, you’re not honestly going to do—(Dunston crawls into bed with Robert) Yup! They’re doing the “monkey in the bed” routine, where the person mistakes some sort of strange animal for a human being in their bed.
NC: People, I’m not kidding! This joke has been around since the dawn of time! (Beat) No, really! I’m not joking! It was there at the birth of man! Look!
(Cut to the opening scene of 2001: A Space Odyssey with NC providing subtitles for what the monkeys are saying to each other)
Various Monkeys (from 2001): "Hey, guys, I totally think we should do a bit where a guy sleeps in a bed with a monkey and he doesn’t know it.” “I dunno, that sounds like it might get old fast.” “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” “We’re also gonna put babies in Super Bowl commercials! That will never get old!" “Babies? Genius! Can we make them horribly lip-sync?” “YES…” “WE…” “CAN!!!!”
(Back to the movie)
NC (voiceover): The monkey, of course, eventually leaves, but comes across Kyle on top of a laundry chute.
(Dunston has jumped into Kyle’s arms, making them both fall down the chute head first and scream)
NC (voiceover): Thank God they fall in an absolute straight line with no movement or weight distribution getting in the way, or else they’d break their necks instantly, ha-ha.
(Dunston and Kyle land safely in one of the laundry carts filled with bed sheets)
Kyle: (has taken a good look at Dunston) Whoa.
NC (voiceover): Oh, I’m sorry, that’s sloppy screenwriting for “I sense an immediate connection with you.”
(Cut to Dunston walking in a massage room with the massager (named William) having walked out of the room while a hotel guest (named Mrs. Dellacroce) lies on her front on a table, waiting to receive more of her massage)
NC (voiceover): I think it also translates out to—Remember that scene we did a moment ago with a person not realizing that you’re behind him? Remember how unfunny that was? You want to do it again? LET’S DO IT AGAIN!
(Dunston has squirted lotion on Mrs. Dellacroce's bare back and rubs it all over)
Mrs. Dellacroce: (thinks it’s William) [I didn’t hear you] come in. Ooh, that’s just how I like it. (Dunston now stands on her back and waves his arms around) Oh, you are astounding! I don’t know what you’re doing, but it’s fabulous.
Clint Eastwood (from The Critic): (is asleep while Clyde the monkey kisses him on the cheek) Someone’s kissing me. It must be a beautiful woman. (He kisses Clyde on the lips) Now, I’ll make sweet love to you while keeping my eyes closed the whole time.
Mrs. Dellacroce: More, William, more!
NC (voiceover): But this time, the father sees Dunston (in a greenhouse) and…I have to admit, this is a pretty funny scene.
Robert: (tries to summon Dunston to him) Come here, come here. (He looks up and screams)
(Sudden cut to two old women waiting quietly for Robert’s return to a meeting they’re having while Dunston jumps onto Robert in the background)
NC (voiceover): I’ll confess, that gets a little bit of a chuckle out of me. But good God, is there anything remotely funny, remotely humorous that can be brought in to breathe some life into this movie?
Pee-wee Herman (from Pee-wee’s Big Adventure, dubbed by NC in a low voice): (dressed as a bellhop) Paging Mr. Herman. Mr. Herman, you have a crappy movie to save with a monkey in it.
(Cut to black as we get two commercials from blip.tv before returning to the review. A bag is dropped on the floor in the hotel lobby as the camera pans up to reveal Buck LaFarge (Paul Reubens), an animal exterminator)
NC (voiceover): Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we have Pee-wee, or Paul Reubens, to be more precise! Yeah, I know. He’s in Dunston Checks In because his ding-a-ling checked out, but who cares? He’s one of the only people to put any energy in this flick!
Buck LaFarge: (to Robert and Elena, while doing odd things to some items on the desk, like lifting off the top of a box, lifting up a lamp, and flipping a card stack to one side) You think it might be cute to put a baby orangutan in your kid’s basket. Well, at first, it is cute. Then it gets bigger. The kids lose interest. And then one night, you flush it down the toilet.
NC: Okay, so he’s not…”funny” funny, but he tries to…
NC (voiceover): … kill the monkey, and that gets brownie points in my book!
(Buck falls backwards in the greenhouse because his shoelaces were tied together (done by Kyle while Dunston had distracted him) and inadvertently shoots his gun through a glass panel)
NC (voiceover): But Dunston gets away and works his way to—(Kyle has followed Dunston and finds that there’s blood on a metal banister) Holy crap. Blood? Really? Hey-hey, maybe chilled monkey brains isn’t off the menu!
(Cut to Brian and Kyle in Kyle’s room taking a look at Dunston’s bloodied hand (caused by a cut from the broken glass Buck had accidentally shot out earlier))
Brian: Whoa.
NC (voiceover): Oh, for God’s sakes, it’s just a cut on his hand! WOULD IT KILL THIS MOVIE IF YOU JUST…KILL THIS MOVIE?!
Brian: (successfully removes a piece of glass from Dunston’s wound with a pair of tweezers) Got it.
Kyle: We got it, Dunston.
NC (voiceover): So they fix it that Dunston gets one of the rooms, as we partake in yet another implausible favorite of the “Kids are too stupid to question it” file: the half-assed disguise!
(Brian and Kyle escort Dunston (disguised as an old man and riding in a wheelchair) out of an elevator)
Kyle: Let’s go, Dr. Ngoc.
NC: Okay, so… (An image of Clark Kent (played by Christopher Reeve) is shown) Man with glasses, fools them. (Am image of live-action Raphael from the TMNT franchise is shown) Turtle with hat, fools them. (Back to the movie) Chimp in chair…
(NC outweighs on the possible outcome and gets fed up, pushing an imaginary button on his desk)
Bela Lugosi (from Ed Wood): (audio) Bullshit! (Accompanying text appears on-screen)
Elena: (to Robert) Do you think there’s a way we can keep your boys locked in their rooms? You know, just ‘til the Crystal Ball is over?
Robert: Mrs. Dubrow, I can assure you that there will be no further incidents.
NC (voiceover): Yeah, we know. Cut. (speaks over Robert’s next line of dialogue) Cut. Cut. Cut.
Robert: As of this moment, they are both on their best behavior.
(Cut to Brian, Kyle and Dunston causing mischief in an Egyptian-themed hotel room)
NC: Hey, you know what would have been really funny? Uh, if you did something funny.
NC (voiceover): Rupert Everett finds them in the room and does what most people wanted to do since the first Santa Clause movie.
(Rutledge has Kyle tied up and placed in a bathtub before placing masking tape over Kyle’s mouth)
Rutledge: [He just became] an even more endangered species.
NC (voiceover): All right, just one more for the nose, and I’ll consider this a happy ending.
(After leaving the bathroom and shutting the door behind himself, Rutledge sees Dunston hold out his arms as though wanting a hug)
Rutledge: Oh, so now we’re feeling repentant. Go on, then. Give Daddy a big hug.
(Rutledge gives Dunston a hug before Dunston bites him on the ear)
Rutledge: AHH! (Dunston quickly escapes the room)
NC (voiceover): (sarcastically) Oh, no! He opened his mouth and they added a biting sound effect! Good thing that doesn’t leave any marks whatsoever!
(Rutledge leaves the room to go find Dunston, while Dunston hangs up high and out of sight)
NC (voiceover): So he (Dunston) gets the kid loose and they (Kyle and Brian) go downstairs to the ballroom where they fill the father in on what happened.
Robert: (to Kyle) He tied you up?!
Kyle: Yes, and he’s gonna hurt Dunston if he finds him.
Robert: Okay. You guys, you split up, you find the monkey, and you take him upstairs to the apartment. I’m gonna take care of Lord Rutledge.
NC: Uh, no, let’s try this again.
(NC rewinds the footage back a bit)
Robert: He tied you up?!
Kyle: Yes, and he’s gonna hurt Dunston if he finds him.
NC (voiceover; dubs over Robert): I’m calling the police.
(NC adds in footage of police cars showing up and then a cut of Rutledge being taken away by the police, complete with a “THE END” caption and the ending to the Looney Tunes theme music)
NC: But no! Then we couldn’t get all sorts of…
NC (voiceover): …hilarity with people mostly just getting messy again. Come on, people. Big laughs come from big pain. Throw in some physical humor! Oh, well, actually, I guess we do get this.
(Lionel Spalding finds Dunston hiding under a table, and Dunston looks up at him)
Lionel Spalding: (stands up and shouts to everyone) Monkey head! Monkey…
(Buck slaps Lionel on the cheek)
Lionel Spalding: Why is everyone in this hotel always slapping me?!
(Buck slaps Lionel on the cheek again)
NC: (laughs) Can we just make the rest of the movie Pee-wee slapping Otho?
(Footage of Buck slapping Lionel is repeated several times in a row)
NC: In fact, hell, this could be his drug PSA!
(The repeated footage of Buck slapping Lionel continues with Pee-wee Herman (from his infamous drug PSA) appearing on the bottom right corner)
Pee-wee Herman (from the drug PSA): This is crack.
NC: He’s not entirely wrong.
(Cut to Elena finding Kyle near a tall cake with people running about in panic)
Elena: You did this! You brought that monkey into my hotel! (She chases Kyle around the cake) You’ve been nothing but trouble since your daddy started working here!
NC (voiceover; sounding bored): Will someone just destroy the cake already? We know it’s coming. We know it’s not gonna be funny, so can we just get it out of the way here?
(Having stood on a chair, Elena looks up to see Dunston jump from a crystal chandelier and onto her, making her scream and fall backwards into the cake)
NC: Yeah, by the way, cake isn’t funny either. (Beat) Unless if done with Eddie Izzard or Portal. (Images of Eddie Izzard’s video “Dress to Kill” and the video game Portal: First Slice are shown quickly) But those are rare…VERY bizarre exceptions!
NC (voiceover): So Everett is arrested, Dunston makes the little “Yes!” motion—I fucking hate you—Alexander gives a look like his career is over, and Dunaway fires him from his job, only to get a job from…her husband?
(Cut to Robert, Eric and Brian being shown plans for another Majestic Hotel by the kind-hearted Victor Dubrow)
Victor Dubrow: (to Robert) I want you to stay. This is the finest hotel in the entire chain.
NC (voiceover; confused): What, they didn’t like each other? Did they split up? That’s his weekend ho? I don’t know, but it results in him getting another hotel job in Bali. Why? Because I think the filming crew really wanted a vacation in Bali!
Robert: (to Lionel, who is vacationing at the hotel in Bali) As you can see, my family and I…have dedicated to making your stay here at the Bali Majestic…as uneventful and trouble-free as is humanly possible.
(Neil looks up to bark at what’s up in the palm tree above him; the camera pans up to reveal Dunston and his family up at the top and Dunston playing around with a coconut)
Robert: I can guarantee you with every fiber in my body there will be no further incidents we have to deal with on this trip. And in addition to our native chef, isn’t that…
(Lionel looks up and gasps before Dunston drops the coconut from above)
Lionel Spalding: NOOOO!
(The coconut lands on the camera, cutting to black (NC adds in a splotch of blood) before the end credits roll)
NC (voiceover): Okay, no blood, but we do get something truly worse: a rap song!
(That rap song being "Have Fun, Go Mad" by Blair, which plays in the credits)
Blair: [Ow, ow, ow, ow / All aboard that funk boat that] I’m about to start sailing now-a…
NC: (mocks the singer, making jive gestures with his arms) Yeah! Yo! Monkey in the house! (He slaps his hands on his desk to resume speaking normally) Fucking A, I wouldn't expect this movie to do anything different that wasn’t…anything different!
(Clips from the movie play again as NC speaks)
NC (voiceover): This movie hits every boring note, every boring cliché, every boring character. I guess this is gonna sound strange, but for such a boring tired premise, I’m really shocked it was…THIS BORING AND TIRED! It never takes any risks, never does anything different! I’m just waiting any minute for Clint Eastwood and Clyde to break in and KICK THEIR BORING ASSES!
NC: So, class, what have we learned today? MONKEYS AREN’T FUNNY! (Accompanying text appears below him briefly) They never have been funny, they never will be funny! (Beat) Unless they’re being used to cheer up a…
(Footage of the character Carin from Patch Adams is shown)
NC (voiceover): …fictional dead girlfriend who was molested as a child…
NC: (brings out a giant stuffed ape) …in which case, they’re hilarious! (He shakes the toy around) WHOO-HOO! WHOO-WHOO! Laughter is the best medicine! WHOO-HOO! (He makes the toy touch itself in the crotch) He touched me there, Doctor! WHOO-HOO-HOO-HOO! I’m the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don’t have to! (He gets up to leave with the toy) OHH-HOO-HOO! HOO! No more monkey business! OHH-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO! I’m going to Hell!
THE END
Channel Awesome Tagline—Buck: You think it might be cute to put a baby orangutan in your kid’s basket.
The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts
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2008:
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Transformers · Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue · Cloverfield Trailer Review · Power Rangers: A Look Back · Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Book Launch · Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movies · The Top 11 Scariest Nostalgic Moments · Super Mario Bros.: The Movie · Cloverfield Review · Street Fighter · Mortal Kombat · Space Jam · The Nerd Rant · The Nerd Rant Part 2 · Pokémon The First Movie · The Nerd Wizard Rant · The Wizard · The Top 11 Naughtiest Moments in Animaniacs · Batman & Robin · The Top 11 Catchiest Theme Songs · '90s Sports Montage · The Nerd Response…Response · The Top 11 Drug PSAs · The Battle of Epic Proportions · Captain Planet · Double Dare · 3 Ninjas · Top 11 Hottest Animated Women · Video Game Review · The Search for the Nostalgia Chick · He-Man and the Masters of the Universe · Follow That Bird · Saved By the Bell · Tom and Jerry: The Movie · Top 11 Saddest Moments · Nostalgia Chick Winner · Surf Ninjas · NC vs The Nerd Showdown · Top 11 Nostalgic Animated Shows · Kazaam · The Nerd vs. NC: The Final Battle · Off to Beat the Nerd · Drew Struzan Tribute · Halloween '08 Special · Double Dragon · Top 11 Underrated Nostalgic Classics · Howard the Duck · Mortal Kombat: Annihilation · Godzilla · Top 11 Disney Villains · The Super Mario Bros. Super Show · Top 12 Greatest Christmas Specials · Jingle All the Way
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2009:
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Nicktoons · Nickcoms · SNICK · Good Burger · The Making of the Final Battle · Ferngully: The Last Rain Forest · A Kid in King Arthur's Court · The Good Son · The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog · Top 11 Nostalgic Mindfucks · Twister · Garbage Pail Kids · Rock-A-Doodle · Titanic - The Legend Goes On · The Pagemaster · The NeverEnding Story · Moonwalker · Top 11 Dumbest Superman Moments · TMNT · Red Sonja · TGWTG Team Brawl · Short Circuit 1 & 2 · Batman vs. The Dark Knight · Full House · North · Critic and Nerd: TMNT Making of Coming Out of Their Shells · Sidekicks · Gargoyles · Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen · Steel · Top 11 Cereal Mascots · Barb Wire · New vs Old - LOTR Animated vs Lord of the Rings · Last Action Hero · Captain N · We're Back: A Dinosaur's Story · Warriors of Virtue · Captain America · Top 11 F*ckups · Alone in the Dark · Blank Check · Old vs. New: Willy Wonka · Cool as Ice · Suburban Commando · Next Karate Kid · Casper · Superman IV · Congo · Siskel and Ebert Tribute · Judge Dredd · Tank Girl · Jack Frost · He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special · Next Best Christmas Specials · Star Wars Holiday Special · Ernest Saves Christmas
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2010:
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Commando · Junior · Conan and Conan the Destroyer · End of Days · Battlefield Earth · Bebe's Kids · Lost in Space · Top 11 Villain Songs · Quest for Camelot · Old vs. New: Nutty Professor · Bio-Dome · NeverEnding Story II · Top 11 Most Awkward Christopher Walken Moments · Flubber · Home Alone 3 · Old vs. New: King Kong · Drop Dead Fred · The Care Bears Movie · Kickassia: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6 · Jaws 3 · Free Willy · A Troll in Central Park · Theodore Rex · Top 11 Coolest Cliches · Hook · Independence Day · The Room · The Phantom · Zeus and Roxanne · Animaniacs Tribute · Flintstones Movie · Mr. Nanny · Rocky IV · Chairman of the Board · Next Top 11 NC Fuckups · Pound Puppies and the Legend of Big Paw · Pebble and the Penguin · Ernest Scared Stupid · Top 11 Scariest Performances · IT · Leprechaun · My Pet Monster · Commercial Special · Old vs. New: 10 Commandments vs. Prince of Egypt · The Thief and the Cobbler · Waterworld · Little Monsters · Rover Dangerfield · You're a Rotten Dirty Bastard · The First Couple: TMNT
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2011:
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NeverEnding Story III · Ferngully 2 · Secret of NIMH 2 · Care Bears 2 · Dungeons and Dragons · Top 11 Dumbest Spider-Man Moments · The Lost World: Jurassic Park · Return of the Nostalgic Commercials · Inspector Gadget · Old vs. New: The Karate Kid · The Langoliers · Airborne · Baby Geniuses · Raiders of the Story Arc: X-Men · The Magic Voyage · Double Team · Top 11 Dumbasses in Distress · Jaws: The Revenge · Gordy · The OTHER Animated Titanic Movie · Revenge of the Nostalgic Commercials · Once Upon a Forest · Little Nemo · Old vs. New: True Grit · Suburban Knights: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7 · Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon · Milk Money · Rad · Raiders of the Story Arc: Duck Tales · Care Bears in Wonderland · Cop and a Half · Top 11 Batman TAS Episodes · Alaska · Let's Play Bart's Nightmare · James and the Giant Peach · The Avengers · Simon Sez · The Tommyknockers · The Haunting · Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows · Exorcist 2 · Doug's 1st Movie · The Cell · Raiders of the Story Arc: Superman · Felix the Cat · Moulin Rouge · Babes in Toyland · How the Grinch Stole Christmas · Child's Play
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2012:
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Santa Claus: The Movie · Star Trek: The Motion Picture · Star Trek 3: The Search for Spock · Star Trek 5: The Final Frontier · Star Trek 7: Generations · Star Trek 9: Insurrection · Patch Adams · Ponyo · Dunston Checks In · Thomas and the Magic Railroad · Top 11 Nostalgia Critic F*** Ups Part 3 · Richie Rich · Jungle 2 Jungle · Old vs. New: Manhunter vs. Red Dragon · Star Chaser · Transformers Cartoon · A Simple Wish · Alien Resurrection · Jack · Heavy Metal · Mr. Magoo · Top 11 Simpsons Episodes · Signs · Digimon: The Movie · Top 11 F*** YEAH Movie Themes · Baby Geniuses 2 · Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom · The Wiz · Total Recall (with Sci-Fi Guy) · Scooby-Doo · To Boldly Flee: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8 · The Top 11 Best Nostalgia Critic Episodes · The WORST Movies Nostalgia Critic's Reviewed · NC's Top 11 Favorite Jokes
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2013:
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The Review Must Go On · The Odd Life of Timothy Green · Pearl Harbor · Son of the Mask · The King and I · Catwoman · The Cat in the Hat · Top 11 South Park Episodes · Jurassic Park · A.I. Artificial Intelligence · The Master of Disguise · Turbo - A Power Rangers Movie · Top 11 Dumbest Lord of the Rings Moments · Sailor Moon · Les Miserables · Top 11 Adult Jokes We Never Got as Kids · The Last Airbender · Bridge to Terabithia · The Shining Mini-Series · Sharknado · Devil · Dawn of the Commercials · Man of Steel · Top 12 Santa Clauses · Eight Crazy Nights · The Christmas Tree
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2014:
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Face/Off · The Wicker Man · Ghost Rider · Top 11 Strangest Best Couples · Ghost Dad · Disney's Alice in Wonderland · Top 11 Moments You Never Noticed in Ghostbusters · Disney Afternoon · Foodfight · Swan Princess · The Lorax · Old vs. New: Spider-Man · Blues Brothers 2000 · Jurassic Park 3 · After Earth · Bloodrayne · The Purge · Top 11 Trailers · Small Soldiers · The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement · Ghost Rider 2 · Top 11 Worst Avatar Episodes · Top 11 Best Avatars (with Dante Basco) · Maximum Overdrive · Top 11 New Halloween Classics · Monster Squad · Rise of the Commercials · Forest Warrior · Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer (NC) · Christmas Story 2 · Care Bears Nutcracker
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2015:
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The Matrix · The Animatrix · The Matrix Reloaded · The Matrix Revolutions · AVGN Movie · Mamma Mia! · The Haunted Mansion · Daredevil · Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) · Demolition Man · Top 11 Animaniacs Episodes · Legend of Zorro · The Ewoks Cartoon - Was That Real? · Fantastic Four · Cowboys of Moo Mesa - Was That Real? · Sharkboy and Lavagirl · Small Wonder - Was That Real? · Jupiter Ascending · Jurassic World · Top 11 TV Show Intros · Planet of the Apes · Osmosis Jones · Garfield: The Movie · Pixels · The Smurfs · Hammerman - Was That Real? · Mad Max: Fury Road · Event Horizon · Children of the Corn · Hocus Pocus · Conquest of the Commercials · Dragon's Lair · We Wish You a Turtle Christmas · Christmas with the Kranks · Star Wars: The Force Awakens (NC)
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2016:
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The Happening · Top 11 Funniest Shyamalan Moments · Lady in the Water · Labyrinth · Spawn · Cats and Dogs · The Phantom of the Opera · The Adventures of Pluto Nash · Pinky, Elmyra and the Brain - Was That Real? · Batman v Superman · Blade · Old vs. New: Cinderella · Spy Kids 3D: Game Over · Jem and the Holograms (2015) · The Grinch vs. The Cat in the Hat - Was That Real? · Scooby-Doo 2 · Alvin and the Chipmunks · Ghostbusters (2016) · Teddy Ruxpin Live Action Series - Was That Real? · Wild Wild West · The 3rd Animated Titanic Movie (Tentacolino) · The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle · Stephen King's Dreamcatcher · Freddy vs. Jason · Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows · Battle of the Commercials · Inspector Gadget Saves Christmas · Top 12 Christmas Commercials · I'll Be Home For Christmas · Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
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2017:
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Top 11 Best Movie Sequels · Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel · Top 11 Worst Movie Sequels · The Smurfs 2 · Garfield 2: A Tail of Two Kitties · Cool World · Old vs. New: Evil Dead · Top 11 WTF Alternate Endings · Balto · Fant4stic · Clockstoppers · The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas · Suicide Squad Trailer · Suicide Squad · Alien vs. Predator · Transformers: The Last Knight NON-Review · Wonder Woman · Norm of the North · Cats Don't Dance · Hulk (2003) · Tom and Jerry: Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory · Monkeybone · G.I. Joe: The Movie · The Sorcerer's Apprentice · DuckTales (2017) · Eragon · Kangaroo Jack · A Goofy Movie · Green Lantern · Scary Godmother · It (2017) · Halloween (2007) · The Mummy · The Mummy (2017) · Dragonball Evolution · Bangarang · War of the Commercials · Super Mario Bros.: The Anime · Rapsittie Street Kids: Believe in Santa · A Muppet Family Christmas · Home Alone 2: Lost in New York · Star Wars: The Last Jedi
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2018:
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Mars Attacks! · Lara Croft: Tomb Raider · Top 11 Good Adam Sandler Movies · Yogi Bear · Horton Hears a Who · Batman Forever · Freakazoid · Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked · Maleficent · Alice Through the Looking Glass · The Jungle Book (2016) · Beauty and the Beast (2017) · Woody Woodpecker · Jack and Jill · An American Tail: Fievel Goes West · Starship Troopers · The Emoji Movie · Scooby-Doo: The Mystery Begins · The Boss Baby · The Spirit · Deadpool 2 · Chicken Little · The Angry Birds Movie · Do the Bartman · Fox Kids · The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen · Bartok the Magnificent · Mission: Impossible 2 · Sonic the Hedgehog: The Movie · Doom · Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles · Ghostbusters 2 · Old vs. New: Teen Titans vs. Teen Titans Go · Freddy Got Fingered · Big Fat Liar · Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer · Grading Cartoon Show Intros · Sleepwalkers · Top 11 Stephen King Movies · Van Helsing · Rubber · The Powerpuff Girls Movie · Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom · A Wrinkle in Time · Escape from the Commercials · A Christmas Story Live · The Search for Santa Paws · The Most HATED Nutcracker Movie Ever Made · Elf Bowling: The Movie
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2019:
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Max Payne · Robocop (2014) · The Black Cauldron (NC) · Top 11 Funniest Siskel and Ebert Reviews · The Country Bears · Donnie Darko · X-Men: The Animated Series · X-Men · X2: X-Men United · X-Men: The Last Stand · X-Men Origins: Wolverine · Best F(r)iends · Tom and Jerry and the Wizard of Oz · Hop · Stuart Little · Toonami · Balto II: Wolf Quest · Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within · Man on the Moon · Mary Poppins Returns · Movie 43 · Alien 3 · Barney's Great Adventure · Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief · Constantine · Kim Possible · The Lion King · Blade II · That Darn Cat · The Jetsons Meet the Flintstones · Underworld · Mulan II · Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip · The Pest · The Wall · Aladdin (2019) · Hannibal · It: Chapter Two · Demon Knight · Venom · Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island · Justice League · Frozen · Planet of the Commercials · The Grinch (2018) · The Most INSANE Christmas Rom Com · The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause · Die Hard
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2020:
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Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker · Beverly Hills Chihuahua · Con Air · Duckman · Supergirl · Spider-Man · Spider-Man 2 · Spider-Man 3 · The Amazing Spider-Man · The Amazing Spider-Man 2 · Trolls · Dolittle · Frozen II · Independence Day: Resurgence · Critters · Alpha and Omega · Avatar (2009) · Stuart Little 2 · Superman Returns · Totally Spies!: The Movie · Elektra · Alita: Battle Angel · Mouse Hunt · Battleship · The Hunchback of Notre Dame · The Lion King (2019) · The Adventures of Elmo in Grouchland · The Animated Lord of the Rings · The Iron Giant · The Bill & Ted Movies · Mulan · Playing with Fire · Problem Child · Pokémon Detective Pikachu · X-Men: Apocalypse · The Lost Boys · The Stand · The Witches · Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark · Tusk · Curse of the Commercials · The Lion King II: Simba's Pride (NC) · Sucker Punch · Krampus · The Muppet Christmas Carol · Deck the Halls · Batman Returns · Home Alone 4
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2021:
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Shark Tale · The FREAKIEST Raggedy Ann Movie · The Mummy Returns · Batman vs. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles · 9 · Strange Magic · The Terminator · Terminator 2: Judgment Day · Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines · Terminator Salvation · Terminator Genisys · Terminator: Dark Fate · Wonder Woman 1984 · Freaked · The Prince of Egypt · Blade: Trinity · Mulan (2020) · Tom and Jerry (2021) · Scooby-Doo: Curse of the Lake Monster · Who Framed Roger Rabbit · The Banana Splits Movie · Ready Player One · Men in Black II · An American Tail · Monty Python's The Meaning of Life · Cats · Jetsons: The Movie · Atlantis: The Lost Empire · Mystery Men · X-Men: Dark Phoenix · Cinderella III: A Twist in Time · The Mask · The Nightmare Before Christmas · The Ring · Scooby-Doo and the Witch's Ghost · The Lawnmower Man · Leap! · Space Jam: A New Legacy · A Series of Unfortunate Events · Commercials Resurrection · Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas · The Polar Express · Home Alone 5: The Holiday Heist · Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever · Reindeer Games
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2022:
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Old · Birds of Prey · Rango · Daphne & Velma · Pan · Tarzan · National Treasure · Return to Oz · Batman Begins · The Dark Knight · The Dark Knight Rises · Batman · Batman: Mask of the Phantasm · Hancock · Bobbleheads: The Movie · Lilo & Stitch · Pinocchio: A True Story · The Rugrats Movie · Spider-Man: No Way Home · The Brave Little Toaster · Tombstone · Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole · The Fifth Element · Garfield and Friends · The Batman · The Addams Family Movies · The Secret of NIMH · Austin Powers Movies · Morbius · The Shrek Movies · Brave · Willy's Wonderland · Diary of a Wimpy Kid · The Kung Fu Panda Movies · The Matrix Resurrections · Beetlejuice · Jurassic World Dominion · Back to the Future Movies · The Princess and the Frog · Hotel Transylvania Movies · The Frighteners · The Munsters · The Mist · Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius · Anastasia · Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs · Commercials H20 · Hoodwinked · Elf · Disney's A Christmas Carol · A Garfield Christmas · Home Sweet Home Alone
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2023:
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The Ant Bully · The Sword in the Stone · Charlie's Angels · The Twilight Saga · Click · Zathura: A Space Adventure · Iron Man · Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl · Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest · Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End · Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides · Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales · Despicable Me and Minions Movies · Puss in Boots: The Last Wish · Top 11 Disney Remakes That Could Work · The Simpsons Movie · Beethoven · M3GAN · Cartoon Network Bumpers · The Little Mermaid · Dudley Do-Right · Kids' WB · White Chicks · Baby's Day Out · South Park Movie · The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie · The Great Mouse Detective · The Super Mario Bros. Movie · Bean · The Truman Show · Beavis and Butt-Head Do America · Top 11 Tom and Jerry Episodes · The Three Stooges Movie · The Road to El Dorado · The Pee-Wee Movies · Robin Hood · Liar Liar · The Flash · Monster House · Coraline · Trick 'r Treat · Thinner · Peter Pan · The Little Mermaid (2023) · Mrs. Doubtfire · Kingdom of the Commercials · Home Alone · Edward Scissorhands · Tom and Jerry: A Nutcracker Tale · Wakko's Wish · A Christmas Story
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2024
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On Deadly Ground · Fat Albert · Aladdin · Top 11 Funniest Disney Villains · Kung Pow! Enter the Fist · Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse · Jumanji · Superman · Superman II · Superman III · The Snyder Cut · Top 11 Poorly Aged Bill Cosby Commercials · Galaxy Quest · Wish · The Land Before Time
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DVD Exclusives:
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Turkish Rambo · Video Game Review 2: Blues Brothers (SNES) · Reefer Madness · Doomsday Machine · NC - Kickassia · NC - Suburban Knights · NC - To Boldly Flee · NC - Live Review of Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 · Paranoia · Cup of Idiocy (Doug's Old Home Movies) · Night of the Living Dead · The Cinema Snob Movie · The Review Must Go On Review
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Theme months
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NostalgiaWeen · Christmas · Annual Theme Month
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