Dungeons and Dragons

NC: [eerily calm and smiling] Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Guys...you are in for a treat. This is one of those special...special films that only comes around once in a while. A film that should make me angry to my BOILING POINT, but is just so awful, it's pretty much wonderful. It is a wonderful movie. I'm so anxious to get to it, I don't wanna waste any time! So...this is Dungeons and Dragons!
[clips from Dungeons and Dragons are played]

NC: [v/o] Much like The Room, Troll 2, or the anus library of Schwarzenegger movies, Dungeons and Dragons is one of those rare films that simply gets everything wrong. The casting is wrong, the writing is wrong, the story is wrong, the effects are wrong!

Zero Mostel: [from The Producers] Where did I go right?

NC: [v/o] And the strange combination somehow turns out a beautiful, beautiful butterfly of absolute horribleness. It's a bad film of epic proportions, and we're gonna look through it today.

NC: So, get ready to slap your head in confusion until it goes numb. This is Dungeons and Dragons.

NC: [v/o] So, after we see the company that will ironically release Lord of the Rings one year later, we get some opening narration.

Narrator: The Empire of Izmir has long been a divided land. Ruled by the mages, an elite group of magic users...

NC: Already I'm confused.

Narrator: Those without magic...are little more than slaves.

NC: And already I don't care. It's pretty impressive for under one minute.

NC: [v/o] So we get our first shot of Izmir as we venture into the secret lair of our villain.

[nothing happens, but NC laughs]

NC: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, nothing funny's happened yet. I'm just preparing for it.

[more nothing happens, and NC laugh]

NC: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. If you've already seen this you'll start laughing around this part too!

[Profion appears]

NC: THERE he is! Jeremy Irons, give him a round of applause everybody! He's going to bring us so much joy in this hour and a half!

NC: [as Irons] You're an attractive scepter, aren't you?

[Irons begins using magic and chanting something]

NC: Oh wait, oh wait! I've seen this! Then Mickey Mouse comes out and steals this big point hat...oh wait, no, I'm sorry, that's another over the top cartoon.

[Irons grabs the scepter and begins orgasming]

Profion: YES!

NC: [v/o] Oh boy. This is going to be one of those non-acting days, isn't it?

Profion: Release him!

Slaves: [chanting] Pie lesu domine. Dona eis requiem.

NC: [laughs, v/o] I think they got this dragon on loan from "How to Train Your CGI Artist".

Profion: Come to me! Yes, I told you it could be done!

[we then get our first shot of, as the Distressed Watcher called him, "Blue Lips"]

Blue Lips: You have the power of the Immortals!

NC: [pointing to his lips] Uh, you got a little something there...

Blue Lips: You can control dragons!

Profion: You don't like that, DO YOU? GOOD! [NC laughs] Use every OUNCE of your rage! Yat-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta...

NC: Alright, now give me pouty! You're a very pouty dragon! Now give me sassy! Oh, you're so sassy! You're a dirty little kitty, aren't you? Yat-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta...

NC: [v/o] So, this delightful dish of ham and cheese is our villain, the eeeevil sorcerer Profion. [pause] Profion. Hmm. Sort of sounds like a heartburn medication, doesn't it?

NC: [as Irons in a cheerful medication advert] Are you tired of orgasming every scene you're in? What don't you try the mystical wonders of Profion! It's MAGIC!!! in a tiny tablet! Side effects may include overacting, mugging, and inability to pick good movies. Yat-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta...

Profion: I said FOLLOW ME!

NC: [v/o] But his scepter doesn't work for very long and thus they have to kill the dragon.

[Irons causes the door to fall on the dragon's neck]

NC: [as Sean Connery] No! I am the last one!

NC: [v/o] But the dragon's blood leaks into the river, which causes it to suddenly catch fire because...dragon's blood does that.

Ridley: Gotta be some twisted magic experiment gone seriously wrong. Just love to find a way I could give those mages some payback.

Snails: [laughs] Oh yeah! "Ridley the Savior".

NC: [sighs, v/o] And these, I am sad to say, are our two main heroes. A couple of thieves named Ridley, played by Justin Whalin, and Snails, played by Marlon Wayons. I'll give you one guess how they casted him in this part.

NC: [on cellphone, as a producer] What's that? Chris Tucker isn't able to do it? Alright, let's go to the Wayons wheel. [a large wheel graphic with various names appears. NC spins it] Call Marlon!

NC: [v/o] After talking about breaking into the Magic School to steal some supplies, we see that a meeting is going on between Profion and the Big Council of Who-Gives-A-Fuck. They discuss what is to be done about the controversial views of the Empress.

Profion: But we have all watched the Empress growing up and we have all heard her views on what she considers the injustices of the land.

Some Guy: But she is just a young woman. Young people speak from the heart, not the mind.

NC: Ouch. Okay, let's hear from the side that's defending the Empress, oh wait, that was her side.

Profion: So the government in Izmir will remain secure. Remove the scepter that lulls above our heads and DESTROY the threat of revolution...FOREVER!

NC: [as a black preacher] Can I get an "amen"?

Crowd: AMEN!!!

Profion: We will be forced do...WHATEVER WE MUST...to protect the strength...and the UNITY of Izmir! What say you?!

NC: Give us barabus! Barabus!

NC: [v/o] We then cut to ooooooooooooooooooooh [camera rising shot] the Empress, played by Thora Birch, discussing why her ideas are being tossed aside and why she is being called the Obama of the Fantasy World.

Empress: All people deserve to be free and equal, whether commoner or mage. I know this within the depths of my soul.

NC: [v/o] Yeah, you can see her memorizing her lines from Ghost World. right now This role is just to work off a speeding ticket. Empress: What can I do to stop Profion?

Vildir: You must outsmart him.

[jump cut to Profion; NC recoils in shock]

Profion: I MUST have that Rod of Cevreel! With one wave of it, I can topple her...

NC: [v/o; about Blue Lips] This guy just on an all-Smurf diet?! Seriously, what's why the toothpaste constantly on his lips?

Profion: See our friend Vildir. Persuade him to give you the scroll of which he speaks and...bring it here to me.

NC: [v/o; another camera rise] So we then cut to wooooooooooooooooooooooo-hay...the Library of the Magic School, and thus enters our hot nerdy chick for the evening, Marina, played by Zoe McLellan.

Marina: Sorry.

Vildir: That's alright, my dear, but you must understand the seriousness of our task.

Marina: I know, I just feel I should be doing something more than shelving books.

Vildir: I understand, Marina.

NC: [as Marina] Yes, my Disney princess heart is just begging for something more! [lip-syncing] I want adventure in the great wide somewhere...

Vildir: Get me some magical wings.

NC: [as Marina] Oh, that's all the development I get, huh? Okay. Off I go.