Dungeons and Dragons

Nc dungeons and dragons by pyrotech07-d38lz43.jpg

February 01, 2011
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Real Thoughts

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Guys...you are in for a treat. This is one of those special, special films that only comes around once in a while. A film that should make me angry to my BOILING POINT, but is just so awful, it's pretty much wonderful. It is a wonderful movie. I'm so anxious to get to it, I don't even wanna waste any time! So...this is Dungeons and Dragons!

(The title screen for "Dungeons and Dragons" is shown, followed by clips from the movie)

NC [v/o]: Much like The Room, Troll 2, or the endless library of Schwarzenegger movies, Dungeons and Dragons is one of those rare films that simply gets everything wrong. The casting is wrong, the writing is wrong, the story is wrong, the effects are wrong!

Max Bialystock (from 1968's The Producers): Where did I go right?

NC [v/o]: And this strange combination somehow turns out a beautiful, beautiful butterfly of absolute horribleness. It's a bad film of epic proportions, and we're gonna look at it today.

NC: Get ready to slap your head in confusion until it goes numb, this is Dungeons and Dragons.

NC [v/o]: So after we see the company that will ironically release Lord of the Rings one year later (New Line Cinema), we get some opening narration.

Narrator: The Empire of Izmer has long been a divided land. Ruled by the mages, an elite group of magic users...

NC: Already I'm confused.

Narrator: Those without magic...are little more than slaves.

NC: And already I don't care. It's pretty impressive for under one minute.

NC [v/o]: So we get our first shot of Izmer as we venture into the secret lair of our villain.

[As the camera pans through the lair, NC starts to laugh]

NC: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, nothing funny's happened yet. I'm just...I'm just preparing for it.

[The camera continues its pan through the lair, and NC laughs again]

NC: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's just, if you've seen this movie before, you'll start laughing around this part, too.

[Profion appears]

NC: THERE he is! Jeremy Irons! Give him a round of applause, everybody! He's going to bring us so much joy in this hour and a half!

NC (voiceover): (as Profion) You're an attractive scepter, aren't you?

[Profion begins using magic and chanting something]

NC: Oh, wait, oh, wait! I've seen this! Then Mickey Mouse comes out and steals his big pointy hat, and (An image of Mickey Mouse in magician garb appears in the scene briefly)...oh, wait, no, I'm sorry, that's another over-the-top cartoon.

[Profion grabs the scepter and presumably begins to orgasm in his delivery]

Profion: YES!

NC (voiceover): Oh, boy. It's going to be one of those non-acting days, isn't it?

Profion: Release him!

(Cut to slaves turning a wheel, activating a large mechanism)

Monks (from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"): (audio) Pie lesu domine. Dona eis requiem.

(Cut to a dragon in a giant prison cell)

NC (voiceover): [laughs] I think they got this dragon on loan from "How to Train Your CGI Artist".

Profion: Come to me! Yes, I told you it could be done!

[We then get our first shot of Damodar (or, as the Distressed Watcher called him, "Blue Lips")]

Damodar: You have the power of the Immortals.

NC: [notices the blue color on Damodar's lips and points to his own lips] Uh, you got a little something there...

Damodar: You can control dragons.

Profion: You don't like that, DO YOU? GOOD! [NC laughs] Use every OUNCE of your rage! Yat-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta...

NC: (mocks Profion) Alright, now you're pouty! Give me pouty! You're a very pouty dragon! Yes! Now give me sassy! Oh, you're so sassy! Yes! Oh, you're a dirty little kitty, aren't you? Yat-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta...

NC [v/o]: So this delightful dish of ham and cheese is our villain, the eeeevil sorcerer Profion. [beat] Profion. Hmm. Sort of sounds like a heartburn medication, doesn't it?

NC [v/o]: [as Profion in a cheerful medication advert] Are you tired of orgasming every scene you're in? Why don't you try the mystical wonders of Profion? (A box of the drug appears next to Profion's face boasting "Treats Frequent Heartburn!" and "Winner of 7 Razzie Awards") It's magic in a tiny tablet! Side effects may include (the following are listed onscreen) overacting, mugging, and inability to pick good movies. Yat-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta...

Profion: I said FOLLOW ME!

NC: [v/o] But his scepter doesn't work for very long and thus, they have to kill the dragon.

[Profion causes the door to fall on the dragon's neck, killing it]

NC (voiceover): [as Draco from "Dragonheart"] No! I am the last one!

NC [v/o]: (normal) The dragon's blood leaks into the river, which causes it to suddenly catch fire because...dragon's blood does that.

Ridley Freeborn: Gotta be some twisted magic experiment gone seriously wrong. Just love to find a way to give those mages some payback.

Snails: [laughs] Oh, yeah! "Ridley the Savior".

NC (voiceover): [sighs] And these, I am sad to say, are our two main heroes. A couple of thieves named Ridley, played by Justin Whalin, and Snails, played by Marlon Wayans. I'll give you one guess how they casted him for the part.

NC: [as a producer, calling on his cellphone] What's that? Chris Tucker isn't able to do it? Alright, let's go to the Wayans wheel. [a large multi-colored wheel showing the names of Damon, Shawn, Keenan, Kim, Dopey, Tito, Prancer and Marlon appears, and NC spins it, landing on "Marlon"] Call Marlon!

NC: [v/o] After talking about breaking into the Magic School to steal some supplies, we see that a meeting is going on between Profion and the Big Council of Who-Gives-A-Fuck. They discuss what is to be done with the controversial views of the Empress.

Profion: But we have all watched the Empress growing up and we have all heard her views on what she considers to be the injustices of the land.

Council Member: But she is just a young woman. Young people speak from the heart, not the mind.

NC: Ouch. Okay, let's hear from the side that's defending the Empress--Oh, that was her side.

Profion: So the government in Izmer will remain secure. Remove the scepter which lulls above our heads and DESTROY the threat of revolution...FOREVER!

NC: [as Profion, speaks like a black preacher] Can I get an "amen"?

Audience: AMEN!!! ["The Old Landmark" from The Blues Brothers begins to play as NC dances]

Profion: We will be forced do...WHATEVER WE MUST...to protect the strength...and the UNITY of Izmer! What say you?!

NC: Give us Barabbas! Barabbas!

NC [v/o]: We then cut to--(reacts to a rising camera shot on a tall building) ooooooooooooooooooooh--the Empress, played by Thora Birch, discussing why her ideas are being tossed aside and why she is being called the Obama of the Fantasy World.

Empress Savina: All people deserve to be free and equal, whether commoner or mage. I know this within the depths of my soul.

NC [v/o]: Yeah, you can see her memorizing her lines from Ghost World right now. This role is just to work off a speeding ticket.

Empress: What can I do to stop Profion?

Vildir: You must outsmart him.

[jump cut to Profion; NC recoils in shock]

Profion: I MUST have that Rod of Saville! With one wave of it, I will topple her...

NC (voiceover): (on Damodar, sighs) Is this guy just on an all-Smurf diet?! Seriously, what's with the toothpaste constantly on his lip?

Profion: See our friend Vildir. Persuade him to give you the scroll of which he speaks and...bring it here to me.

NC [v/o]: So we then cut to--(reacts to another camera rise on another building) wooooooooooooooooooooooo-hay--the Library of the Magic School, and thus enters our hot nerdy chick for the evening, Marina, played by Zoe McLellan.

Marina: Sorry.

Vildir: That's alright, my dear, but you must understand the seriousness of our task.

Marina: I know, I just feel like I should be doing something more than shelving books.

Vildir: I understand, Marina.

NC: [as Marina] Yes, my Disney princess heart is just begging for something more! [He lip-syncs with Belle from Disney's "Beauty and the Beast"] I want adventure in the great wide somewhere...

Vildir: Fetch me some magical wings.

NC: [as Marina] Oh, that's all the development I get, huh? Okay. Off I go.

NC (voiceover): So Ridley and Snails break into the school and look for something to steal.

Ridley: Are you gonna jump?

Snails: (is holding onto a rope while climbing down a wall) You’re gonna catch me?

Ridley: I’m gonna catch you.

Snails: Promise?

Ridley: I promise. Now, jump.

NC (voiceover): Now, I’m betting that he’s gonna just catch him and absolutely nothing is gonna go wrong at all—(Snails ends up letting go and falls to the floor) OHHH! Way to play with my expectations, good sirs! Well done, gentlemen. Well done.

NC: I think that calls for a very affectionate Wah-wah. (Cue the Trumpet “Wah-wah” gag and he shrugs)

(Cut to Snails holding a giant dragon's tooth in his arms)

Ridley: Put it back.

Snails: Come on, just—

Ridley: Put it back!

Snails: Okay, what about this gold brick?

Ridley: It’s too big. Put it back!

Snails: Don’t make me…GAH!

(A clip of Ruby Rhod (from “The Fifth Element”) making buzzing noises to get a couple men to leave is shown)

NC (voiceover): But Marina finds the two and tries to capture them.

Marina: You’re thieves trying to rob us.

(Ridley and Snails try to make a run for it, but Marina uses a spell to rope up the two together)

NC (voiceover): (as Marina) Experitus Comic-relief-tus!

Ridley: That must be the only way she gets guys to come home with her!

Marina: I’d have to put a feeble mind spell on myself to want to take you home.

NC: (stares in confusion and snaps his fingers once) Snap?

(A crash is heard off-screen, and Vildir yells)

Marina: Master!

NC (voiceover): So they’re literally roped into the situation as Slurpy-Lip here tries to get some information out of the wizard.

Damodar: (threateningly holds the wizard at the throat) If you don’t tell me which scroll it is, I’ll have to kill you painfully.

Vildir: Never!

NC (voiceover): (as Vildir) You know, you got something on your—

(Damodar twists Vildir’s neck, killing him)

NC (voiceover): So the bad guys are looking for a map that leads to a magic scepter that apparently can control red dragons. But Marina gets it in time and uses the portal from “Sliders” to escape, dragging the thieves with her.

(Marina and the thieves are running through the city streets and panting)

Snails: WATCH OUT!!

(Marina screams before she and the other thieves run into a pile of garbage)

NC (voiceover): Come on, you just ran into that garbage! You could see it coming a mile away!

Elwood (a dwarf in armor): (appears out of the garbage pile) Can’t anybody get a moment’s peace around here?! I ought to…

NC: Hey-hey! It’s the missing seventh dwarf, Smelly.

(Cut to Damodar firing an arrow from his crossbow at Elwood, knocking his helmet off; noticing his helmet is gone, Elwood makes an odd wailing noise)

NC (voiceover): Uh, do dwarves’ helmets stop them from having epileptic seizures? Seriously, him and Darkheart should get together and be clucking buddies!

(A mashup of Darkheart (from “Care Bears Movie II: A New Generation”) making a nasal noise and Elwood making his odd wailing noise is shown repeatedly a few times)

NC (voiceover): They (Marina and the thieves) bring the dwarf with them and escape through the sewers. But the Captain of the Guard says with great speed what he wants his men to do!

Damodar: (speaks rather slowly) Post brigades at every sewer entrance and exit. (NC shifts his eyes left and right in confusion) I want them found...now.

NC: (as one of Damodar’s men) Um, you know, sir, if you said your orders a little faster, we could get them done a little quicker. (Beat) By the way, you got something on your… (points to his own lips)

NC (voiceover): So the Captain puts out a Wanted poster for…The Little Mermaid, but our heroes blend into their environment by wearing INCREDIBLY SUSPICIOUS BLACK CLOTHES THAT NOBODY ELSE SEEMS TO BE WEARING! (Cut to yet another camera swoop upwards of a tall castle) Meanwhiiiiiiiillllle—WILL YOU STOP MOVING THE CAMERA, GODDAMNIT?! WHO THE FUCK’S SHOOTING THIS? A DRUNK GEORGE JETSON?!

(An image of the Jetsons in their space car moves about during the upward camera swoop shot)

George Jetson (from “The Jetsons”): (audio) Jane! Stop this crazy thing! Help! Jane!

NC (voiceover): Alright, so the Blue M&M here tells Profion why the heroes got away.

Damodar: It was a mistake. It will not happen again.

Profion: And here’s why. (He stands up to zap at Damodar, who goes down on his knees in pain)

(As Damodar reacts in pain to the magical changes happening in his head, he makes goofy-looking faces)

NC: (mocks Damodar’s faces while speaking like Jerry Lewis) Whoa-hey, I don’t like the weird things in my head making me do the weird faces and things! Oh-hoy! Now it’s going to the nether regions! Not a fan! Not a fan! Doy, maybe if I make some weird creepy faces, the thing will leave my nether regions alone and I will be happy again! (Two strange worm-like creatures with large mouths appear out of Damodar’s respective ears) D’oh, no! Now I’ll never be able to wear a hat and I needed to govern my incredibly bald head and what not! Freundlaven, I’m Mr. Clean!

Profion: The moment you deliver me the Rod, I’ll ensure that he…it, vacate the premises. (He bends down next to Damodar) Now…may I suggest…

NC (voiceover): (speaks unnervingly) Okay, we’re borderline bad touch territory right now. It’s not officially there yet, but it’s dangerously close—(Profion places a hand on Damodar’s head and places it close on his left cheek) NOW we’re in bad touch territory! Yeah, you should call a lawyer, guy.

(Profion lets go and stands up)

NC: (laughs) How much you wanna bet that’s their Christmas card?

(A fake Christmas card featuring a photo of Profion placing Domadar’s head close to his cheek is shown with NC, speaking as Profion, reading off the following text on the other side)

NC (voiceover): (as Profion) Season’s Greetings! From Profion and Baldy. –Please don’t ask why his lipstick is smeared.

(Back to the movie)

NC (voiceover): So our heroes take cover in the most non-suspicious tavern that the city has.

(The interior of the tavern with lots of activity going on from human and monster characters is shown with the Cantina song from “Star Wars”)

NC (voiceover): Our main characters look over the map and seem to really get into it. REALLY get into it.

(Ridley is magically transported into the map; Elwood looks on, surprised)

Marina: Alinor begarra! (She magically transports herself into the map)

NC: Hey-hey! Two down, two more to go!

(Cut to nighttime with Damodar and his men outside the tavern)

NC (voiceover): Oh, hey, look, Chapstick here is about to sneak into the place. Do you think you can say your orders a little faster, seeing how time is of the essence?

Damodar: (speaks slowly to his men) Do not let them escape, (NC looks fed up) or you will suffer a fate far worse than that which hath been inflicted upon me.

NC: (as Damodar) Don’t make me pucker my lips any more! (He puckers his lips at the camera)

NC (voiceover): So he enters the place and finds the people he’s looking for.

(Damodar’s men proceed to enter in, but he raises a hand up to stop them)

Damodar: Wait.

NC (voiceover): Wait? Wait for what? They’re right there! Just snag ‘em!

(Elwood is seen flipping over a table as a diversion, starting up a commotion in the entire tavern)

Damodar: Get them!

NC (voiceover): Oh, it’s a good thing you waited those couple of seconds, or else it would have been a lot harder to let them escape! So Ridley and Marina get out of the map, and he informs Snail that he’s agreed to help her find the scepter, which is weird, considering how a few seconds ago, she wanted them to leave and now, she can’t imagine doing the mission without them.

Snails: (to Ridley) Ridley…how could you do something like that?!

(Snails and Ridley look at Marina before Snails gasps and points to Ridley and Marina, stammering in confusion before yelling in rage; a clip of Ruby Rhod (from “The Fifth Element”) making buzzing noises to a person is shown)

NC (voiceover): I don’t even get it. What was he indicating when he was pointing at them? Does he think they had sex while they were in the map? Is that even doable? I mean, granted, map sex sounds pretty kinky, but I would hold off!

Snails: (in rage) This is…dah!

(A clip of Ruby Rhod (from “The Fifth Element”) making yet another buzzing noise while shoving and slapping a few men out is shown)

NC (voiceover): Alright, so if I got this right, they have to get the red scepter in order to control the red dragons, but first they have to find this ruby called the Eye of the Dragon which opens the door that leads to the red scepter. But the Eye of the Dragon can only be gotten in this den of thieves which is ruled by this guy (Xilus). He won’t give you the Eye of the Dragon unless you defeat this evil maze which nobody has ever conquered. (Footage from the movie is suddenly replaced with stills from the “The Legend of Zelda” video game) But before you can do that, you have to trade your rupees with the old man in order to upgrade your sword. Once you find the secret passage, you can then work your way through the forest, defeat the evil dragon, get the Triforce of Power that—

NC: Yeah, yeah, you get the idea.

NC (voiceover): So they (our heroes) follow this purple guy who has an eye vagina on his head and leads them to the den of thieves, where Riff Raff from “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” awaits them.

Xilus: Have you ever heard of the Antius Guild Maze?

Narrator (from “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”): It’s just a jump to the left.

Guests (from “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”): (sing) And then a step to the right.

NC (voiceover): He (Xilus) has a ruby key they’re looking for, but Ridley has to get through this deadly maze in order to win it. I thought this was “Dungeons and Dragons,” not “Mazes and Monsters.”

(Ridley approaches a hallway with thin narrow slits of blue light on either side of it; he proceeds to place a hand in the blue light)

NC (voiceover): Yeah, tell me if this looks familiar.

(A large axe swings down from above, and Ridley quickly moves out of its way)

(Cut to a clip from “Raiders of the Lost Ark” with Indiana Jones placing a hand in blue light, triggering a booby trap containing sharp spikes from a stone wall; Satipo screams at the sight of the booby trap)

(Back to the movie)

NC (voiceover): You think that’s bad? Take a look at this scene. He can only step on the square with a red eye where all the other squares will lead to his doom. Remind you of anything else?

(A clip of “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade” is shown with Indiana Jones stepping on letters on the floor carefully so as not to fall through)

NC: (as Henry Jones Sr.) Remember in the Latin alphabet, Jehovah begins with an “I”!

NC (voiceover): (as Ridley) Yeah, well, they’re all eyes! What the hell am I supposed to do?!

(Ridley makes it out of the eye room)

NC (voiceover): How about this? The closing ceiling with spikes on it. (A clip from “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom” is shown with a room and a closing ceiling with spikes on it) Yeah, again, ring any bells?

(Ridley uses his sword to stop a mechanism and get the closing ceiling to go back up)

NC (voiceover): Well, on the bright side, I can’t see them ripping off any more “Indiana Jones”—(Ridley enters another room with the ruby standing on a lone pyramid-like pedestal) OH, COME ON!! That’s, like, an exact replica! (A clip from “Raiders of the Lost Ark” with Indiana Jones approaching a golden idol is shown) Are you even trying to be original?

NC: George Lucas must be rolling in his grave!

NC (voiceover): But the soldiers once again come in to seize the heroes.

Xilus: (to Damodar) I don’t know who you are, but be prepared for a lesson in pain.

NC (voiceover): (as Xilus) There is only room for one overacting bald guy in this movie!

Damodar: You must be joking.

Xilus: I never joke when mages trespass in MY GUILD!

NC: (as Xilus) BY THE WAY, YOU GOT SOMETHING ON YOUR… (points to his own lips)

NC (voiceover): But the captain captures Marina, and the other three escape. They come across a tracker who’s been working for the Empress, a saucy little elf named Norda.

Elwood: (to Snails) Is that the elf you were drooling over?

Snails: Well, I wouldn’t put it that way. But, yeah, that’s her. Pretty, huh?

Elwood: They all look alike to me.

NC: (reacts in surprise) Whoa, hey! This side of a dwarf I’ve never seen before. I mean, wow!

NC (voiceover): So Norda tells the Empress the situation through—get a load of this—a Magic Mirror.

Norda: I have unfortunate tidings to report. It seems Profion also seeks the Rod.

Savina: Seek Damodor out. We need that Rod.

Norda: As you wish. (She bows and closes her eyes)

(As Norda fades away, the Mirror’s face from Disney’s “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” appears in fire)

NC (voiceover): (dubs for the Mirror) You know, she’s prettier than you.

NC (voiceover): (normal) So we see that the Captain is going to interrogate Marina, trying to get some information out of her. Once the questions don’t work, he resorts to…this.

(Damodar grabs Marina’s head from both sides and allows the worm-like creatures with large mouths to come out of his ears and clutch onto her ears to suck information out of her as she screams; this scene goes on for a bit)

NC (voiceover): Okay, this has to be the point when they knew their careers were over. Nobody can come back from a scene this stupid.

(Once the worm-like creatures finish their sucking, Marina stops screaming and droops her head forward in exhaustion while the creatures return inside of Damodar’s head)

NC (voiceover): You know, for a movie called “Dungeons and Dragons,” I’ve seen a dungeon and a dragon. Couldn’t you show us something a little more needy outside of earwax rape?!

Damodar: Oh, please.

NC (voiceover): Well, how about this? Ridley and Snails break into the place and try to rescue Marina. Norda and all her soldiers just stay behind and watch them. Why?

Norda: (to Elwood) This task they must complete alone.

NC: (stares expressionless for a little bit) OK.

NC (voiceover): So Ridley and Snails split up and eventually, one of them finds Marina.

Ridley: (finds Marina bundled up in a blanket) Hey. (She looks up to see him before quickly hugging him)

NC (voiceover): (as Marina, sobs) I was crying. I was afraid I would see you again. (normal) But Snails comes across a…quick-rug, and gets snatched by Lip Gloss here.

(Snails has escaped the “quick-rug” and stumbles away from Damodar, taking items along the way)

Damodar: Just like you thieves. Always taking things that don’t belong to you.

NC: Well, that is what a thief does. Isn’t that sort of like saying, (speaks as Damodar) “You painters always…painting.”

Snails: All right. (pulls out a sword, ready to fight) Now…I’m mad.

Damodar: (becomes interested) Oh!

NC: (as Damodar) Ohh, a wise guy, huh?

(Snails lunges forth, but Damodar catches the sword with his arms before Snails runs away)

NC (voiceover): So, again, Snails run as fast as he can, but the Captain of the Guards goes as slowly as possible. Hasn’t this idiot figured out yet that doing everything slowly doesn’t work in his favor?

Damodar: You cannot be serious.

NC (voiceover): He FINALLY catches up to Snails, but Ridley and Marina are there to try and save him. However, it turns out Snails stole the map and tosses it to them.

(Damodar stabs Snails in the back, killing him)


NC: (while a cheering crowd is heard in the background) YAAAAY!! Oh, thank heavenly Jesus, yes!

NC (voiceover): I know I should feel sorry for him, but you have no idea how annoying this character was! This…is incredibly satisfying!

(The clip of Damodar stabbing Snails in the back and Ridley shouting “NOOOOOO!” intercuts with Darth Vader (from “Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith” shouting “NOOOOOOO!”. Damodar has tossed Snails’ body off the castle as footage of an enormous-sized cheering crowd is overlaid on top of it)

NC (voiceover): So Marina uses her magic dust to zap the Captain and get them out of there, leaving the poor corpse of Wayans behind.

(As the camera does a slow spin upwards from above Snails’ body, we intercut with overlaid footage from “The Wizard of Oz”)

Munchkins (from “The Wizard of Oz”): (sing) Ding dong, the Witch is dead / Which old witch? / The Wicked Witch! / Ding, dong, the Wicked Witch is dead!

NC (voiceover): We then cut to Profion and the Empress—whose dress looks like it’s trying to eat her—as we see them take part in the most important debate in this movie. (His voice deepens as the following text is dramatically displayed onscreen) Under-Acting vs. Over-Acting.

NC: (looks to his right as though addressing Profion) Profion, make your case for overacting.

Profion: (to Savina) I ask you one last time. Will you submit to the ruling of this council?!

NC: Yes, yes. (Looks to his left as if addressing the Empress) Now, Empress, make your case for under-acting.

Savina: And as Empress…this is how I decree Izmer shall be run from this…day…forward.

NC: Hmm, well, that certainly was terrible. Profion, let me hear your over-acting again.

Profion: Is now not the time we should act?! (The crowd roars in agreement) Then down with the tyrants!

NC: Mmm-hmm, and, Empress, your under-acting?

Savina: Do you find the wisdom to see that the path I propose for Izmer is the right one?

NC: Hmm, over?

Profion: Relinquish your scepter!

NC: Under?

Savina: The man who convinced you to take the scepter from me—

NC: Well, I don’t see any point in choosing. You’re both equally terrible!

Profion: (slowly claps twice) A wonderful performance.

NC: (smiles) That’s a lie and you know it.

NC (voiceover): Meanwhile, at the Keebler Elf tree, we come across an elf, played by Tom Baker, who is healing all the soldiers. It wouldn’t be so bad, except for some reason, all the soldiers can see during the healing process is this.

(A clip from the opening to the “Doctor Who” TV series featuring a dimensional hole is shown; as the Doctor himself appears, so does NC’s caption “I’m Healing You”)

NC (voiceover): After that, Ridley and Marina talk about The Artist Formerly Known as Snails.

Marina: I’m sorry about Snails.

Ridley: Yeah. I’m sure you are.

Marina: He died for a good cause.

Ridley: A good cause.

NC (voiceover): All right, movie, just keep telling yourself, “YOU’RE TRYING TO MAKE US FEEL BAD FOR MARLON WAYANS!” This is easier said than done! In fact, it’s not even easily said!

Marina: You’re wrong.

Ridley: No, YOU’RE wrong, Mage!

Marina: Just because some Mages are evil does not mean they all are. I’m not! (Pauses, then her voice breaks upon saying the next line) I’m NOT!

NC: (reacts in surprise) Did she turn into a goose there?

Marina: I’m NOT!

NC: (as Marina) I’m—(he lip-syncs with the sound of a honking goose)

Marina: I’m NOT!

NC (voiceover): And now, because you demand it, (accompanying text appears) The All Quacking Choir!

(A mashup of Darkheart and Elwood’s odd noises including Marina’s breaking voice on the word “NOT!” is shown repeatedly a few times)

Ridley: You know, for a Mage...(places a hand on Marina’s cheek)…you’re pretty smart.

NC (voiceover): It turns out talking about dead people gets him pretty hot, as they share a kiss with each other. Thus, we finally get to that cave where the red scepter is held and Ridley uses the ruby to open the door. He comes across a skeleton holding it in his hand.

(As Ridley grabs for the scepter, the skeleton comes to life, scaring him)

Skeleton: Why do you disturb the Rod of Saville?

(NC sighs and places a hand at his forehead, burying his face)

Ridley: To save the empire of Izmer.

Skeleton: Be warned! Anyone who wields the Rod shall suffer a horrible fate.

NC (voiceover): (as the Skeleton) And remember to ride the Pirates of the Caribbean at Disneyland.

NC (voiceover): (normal) But unfortunately, Minty Fresh Crest shows up and takes the Rod away. They all transport back to the Empress where…something about controlling and fighting dragons is going on? I don’t know, just enjoy Irons’ overacting.

(Up in a high tower in Sumdall, some Mages fire at the dragons, but they miss)

Profion: Bah!

NC: (mocks Profion) Bah! (normal) That was good, but it’s no (mocks Profion) “Ya-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta!”

Profion: (to other Mages, mumbles a bit) Fire it again higher!

NC (voiceover): (laughs) Can you even understand what he’s saying during these scenes?

(Clips of Profion mumbling a bit in his dialogue are shown)

Profion: Get up! Get up! / Move that crossbow! / Come, Damodar. / Destroy them before they reach it! / Prepare to fire again!

(NC mocks Profion’s mumbling with gibberish along with the word “Baloney sandwich” near the end)

(Profion says something indistinct as Ridley enters the scene and dragons approach the tower from afar)

Profion: My DESTINY!

NC (voiceover): (as Profion) Oh, I just shit my pants. Wait, wait, I can work with it. My character WOULD shit his pants! Yes, yes! Ha-ha-ha-ha! I just shit my pants! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

(Dragons start flying all around the tower)

Profion: Come to me!

NC (voiceover): (normal) So Joan of LARP (Savina) sees if she can go up there and keep the dragons under control, while the battle continues in the tower. Just look at this riveting choreography. (The following sword fight between Ridley and Damodar is shown with NC describing the blocking motions) Up. Up. Up. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Down. Up. Up. Down.

NC: This is sounding like a cheat code to a Nintendo game.

(Ridley flips himself over to stand behind Damodar and stab him in the back)

NC (voiceover): (as Ridley, who brings Damodar over to the tower’s edge and toss him over it) And by the way, you have something on your LIP!

NC (voiceover): (as Damodar, who falls to his death) Oh, my God! How come nobody told me?

(Several dragons fight each other above the tower)

Profion: (calls out to Savina) You can run, your ladyship! But you’ll never run far enough!

NC (voiceover): Good God, man! Did you graduate from the Doctor Insano School of Acting?

Doctor Insano (played by Spoony); (dubs over Profion with his signature crazy glasses placed over Profion’s face) Now, a new reign of terror begins! MY reign of terror! (laughs evilly)

Profion: (shouts while holding the Rod in one hand and with both arms raised) Let their blood rain above the sky!

NC (voiceover): (as Profion) I’m turning into a human vibrator!

(Ridley approaches Profion to fight with him, but Profion magically brings out a tall staff to strike at Ridley’s face repeatedly)

NC (voiceover): (dubs over Profion in a wimpy voice) My sister, my daughter, my sister! Ha-ha!

(Ridley falls to the ground before Profion tosses the tall staff aside and approaches him)

Profion: Not so talented, eh, Mr. Ridley?

NC: Oh, I don’t know. I always thought he was the Talented Mr. Ridley. (The audience boos at him as he brings his face closer and his ears forward with both hands to hear the booing)

NC (voiceover): But Ridley gets a hold of the scepter and destroys it, leaving the dragons to finish him (Profion) off.

(A dragon lands on the tower’s edge and grabs for Profion with its mouth, eating him alive and swallowing him whole)

NC (voiceover): (as the dragon) Oh, my God, there was way too much ham in that actor.

NC (voiceover): (normal) So the day seems to be saved, I guess. Everyone gives a cheer, our heroes remain heroes, and Snails is still dead, although everything seems good.

(Ridley visits Snails' grave in a forest)

Ridley: (to Snails' grave) I’m gonna miss you, pal. (There is a shot of the grave with Snails’ name engraved on a stone)

NC (voiceover): And then we end with…this scene.

(Ridley sees that Snails’ engraved name disappears magically)

Norda: Do not question your gift. Your friend awaits you.

(Cut to Ridley, Marina, Norda and Elwood placing their hands together in the center (while holding onto the Eye of the Dragon that glows) before magically turning into flying sparks, which disappear into the rays of sunlight before the movie fades to black, ending it)

NC (voiceover): I don’t get it, either, folks. But who cares? The movie is over.

NC: And…by God, wasn’t that a lot of fun?

(A montage of clips from the movie plays as NC gives his closing summary)

NC (voiceover): How can anyone not enjoy this film? Its stupidity is at a spectacular level. I’ve never played Dungeons and Dragons, so I have no idea if it followed it well, but just as a film itself, it’s an unbelievable experience. Bad films of this magnitude don’t come around enough, and when they do, we have to enjoy them. So, if you want a good laugh, rent it today, and see what you’ve been missing out. You won’t regret it.

NC: I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it... (as Profion) Ya-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. (He gets up to leave)


Channel Awesome Tagline—Marina: I’m NOT!

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