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in: Article stubs, The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts, Transcripts,
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Changes: Dragonball Evolution

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'''NC:''' ''(takes out the remote)'' Enough to know when to fast-forward.
  
'''NC:''' ''(takes out the remote)'' Enough to know when to fast-forward.
   
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''(NC presses the button, and the intro is skipped. We're first shown Son Goku (Justin Chatwin))''
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''(NC presses the button, and the intro is skipped as a voice says "Who gives a shit?!". We're first shown Son Goku (Justin Chatwin!))''
   
 
'''NC (vo):''' We see our main character, played by Justin Chatwin, named... ''(The character's name appears, and NC is confused)'' Goku?
  
'''NC (vo):''' We see our main character, played by Justin Chatwin, named... ''(The character's name appears, and NC is confused)'' Goku?

Revision as of 16:41, 9 November 2017

 Dragonball Evolution

DragonballEvolutionThumbnail

Aired
November 7, 2017
Running time
32:01
Previous review
Next review
TBA
Link


(2017 title sequence plays; cut to shots of a desert-like region. Everything is narrated by Kyle Hebert)

Hebert: Last time on Nostalgia Critic Z...

(NC, dressed as Krillin, is seen confronting a DVD of an anime movie: Death Note)

Hebert: ...Critic was confronting the worst anime adaptation of all time. (sees the Death Note DVD) No, the other one. (the DVD turns into another, Dragonball Evolution) There ya go.

(NC starts speaking at this point, but as a parody of anime, his mouth just opens and shuts repeatedly, not matching the words heard)

NC: Some shitty movie. You think you can piss off the legion of fans with your misunderstanding of source material? (DVD does not answer, of course) Your silence only enables your guiltiness! Now I will show you the meaning of pain!

Offscreen voice: You can't fight this evil alone!

(MasakoX of Team Four Star appears, dressed as Goku. His "appearance explosion" destroys part of the Earth)

Hebert: MasakoX of Team Four Star joins Nostalgia Critic's fight!

NC: MasakoX from Team Four Star, you come to join my fight?

Hebert: I totally just said that.

MasakoX: (his mouth moving up and down, not matching what he says either) You need a true Dragon Ball fan to understand this outrage!

(Cut to a long shot of the two)

NC: What do you know about Dragon Ball that I don't?

MX: Plenty, like how we cut to the extreme long shot to save on lip animation, and your anger over this will be represented by zoom-out, combined with grunting and clenching your teeth with your eye twitching.

(Sure enough, NC is seen doing just that)

NC: Grunt, grunt!

MX: Now I will fight you by doing the same move repeatedly, and you doing the same dodge repeatedly!

(They do just that, until...)

Offscreen voice: You fools are missing the real enemy!

(LittleKuriboh suddenly appears, dressed as Vegeta, also destroying part of the Earth after showing up)

Hebert: LittleKuriboh comes to talk sense into the feuding heroes!

MX: So, LittleKuriboh, you've come to talk sense to us, the feuding heroes?

Hebert: Am I just not here or...

NC: Get out of here, Yu-Gi-Blow! You're not even from the right anime!

LK: (nope, his mouth movements don't match his words either) Maybe, but I'm smart enough to know that while you two are bitching like pansies, your opponent is building his power!

(To an explosion, the Dragonball Evolution DVD is seen charging up)

NC: My God! He's going Stupid Saiyan!

MX: It's okay. This usually lasts ten minutes. There's surprisingly little fighting in the show. It's mostly off-screen, while rocks rise up.

LK: But he's using his Stupid Saiyan power to make stupid people say his movie is good!

MX: What?!

NC: IMPOSSIBLLLLLE!!!

LK: Just check out its critical score!

(LittleKuriboh holds up a smart phone, whose screen has the Rotten Tomatoes site on it; it shows that Dragonball Evolution has a 14% rating from critics)

LK: (growls, then smashes phone in his clenched fist) It's over nine perceeeent!!

NC: What?! Nine percent?! There's no way that could be right, can iiiiit?!

LK: People who don't know the show are being duped into thinking it's good!

MX: We can't let it get away with that!

LK: Agreed! Let dueling sides join forces just this once!

MX: And by "once", we mean "probably many times"!

NC: ATTAAAAACK!!!!

(They all unleash their powers on the DVD, which causes an explosion that destroys the whole Earth... or rather, transitions to the title of the movie)

NC (vo): In a long line of botched live-action anime adaptations...

(Footage of the movie is shown)

NC (vo): ...Dragonball Evolution is arguably the most infamous. For years, I've gotten fan requests to talk about this cinematic ball-buster, but sadly, even though I'm a fan of some anime shows and films, Dragon Ball is not one I know a great deal about.

(Cut to NC sitting in his room; to his right and left are LittleKuriboh and MasakoX. All are in their normal getup)

LK and MX: (in unison) That's where we come in!

MX: MasakoX from Dragon Ball Z Abridged...

LK: ...and LittleKuriboh from Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged.

NC: That's right, a Japanese anime dubbed by Americans, now analyzed by two Brits!

LK: It makes as much sense as anything else in this movie.

(The images relating to Dragon Ball anime are shown)

MX (vo): The Dragon Ball franchise is one of the most popular animes ever made. Taking place in a parallel dimension, it follows the adventures of Goku and his friends defending Earth against intergalactic aliens, androids and other various evils who really like to yell.

LK (vo): With spinoffs including Dragon Ball Z, Dragon Ball Z Kai, Dragon Ball GT and Dragon Ball Super, there's over 700 episodes of this franchise, and it's still going. So, naturally, it makes sense for Hollywood to try and capitalize on it, and make a movie for Americans. How did it go?

NC: Did (poster of 2017's...) Ghost in the Shell do bad?

LK: Yes.

NC: Then this did really bad!

MX (vo): Fans of the show and newcomers hated this adaptation, claiming it missed not only what Dragon Ball was about, but dumbed it down so much that no average moviegoer would be able to enjoy it.

LK (vo): It's said by many to be the worst anime adaptation of all time. Don't believe me?

LK: How many people thought the low-budget sketch we just did was more faithful?

(Suddenly a bunch of hands go up, filling the screen)

NC: That sounds about right.

MX: So let's not put it off any longer.

NC: Let's take a look at this Dragon Ball Suck with Dragonball Evolution.

(The movie opens in space. The colorful constellations are forming people and objects Grandpa Gohan (Randall Duk Kim) narrates about))

LK (vo): I hope you're ready for an intro that's from Load of the Shit!

NC (vo): I think I am.

LK (vo): No, you're not.

Gohan: (narrating) A warlord named Piccolo came from beyond the stars. A group of brave warriors created the Ma Fu Ba, a powerful enchantment that imprisoned...

NC: (hand on cheek) Wow, I'm both lost and bored.

LK and MX: Get used to that. (NC's eyes widen in surprise and shock)

Gohan: (narrating) Aided by his disciple Oozaru, the evil pair brought the human race to the brink of annihilation.

NC: Okay... Shot in the dark. A great evil tried to take over, is defeated, and now is trying to come back.

MX: Wow, it's almost like you've seen the movie at some point in your life.

NC: (takes out the remote) Enough to know when to fast-forward.

(NC presses the button, and the intro is skipped as a voice says "Who gives a shit?!". We're first shown Son Goku (Justin Chatwin!))

NC (vo): We see our main character, played by Justin Chatwin, named... (The character's name appears, and NC is confused) Goku?

NC: Um... I don't know a ton about the anime, but that really doesn't look like a Goku.

LK: Well, as a white man, I am offended!

NC: You are?

LK: Yes, of stereotyping like that!

MX: I, for one, embrace culturally diverse names that in no way raise any questions or seem distracting.

NC: Wow. I really didn't think this with the angle you guys would lean.

LK: Of course!

LK (vo): John Shaft would be so much better if he was called Akio Hashimoto.

MX (vo): James Bond would be more culturally sensitive if he was named Bubba Grady.

LK (vo): And Ariel from The Little Mermaid would be light years ahead of her time if she was called Bob.

NC: Oh, I see what you're saying. A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

MX: But if you name that rose...

MX (vo): ...shitty-shitty-ass-piss...

LK: ...you might want to change something.

(Goku is sweating, and it's shown in super slow-motion. Yes, even a drop of sweat falling to the sand from his nose)

NC (vo): Goku is trying his hardest to master his epic nose sweat...

MX (vo): This movie clearly understands what to shoot in slow-mo.

NC (vo): ...as his grandpa states what we know this adaptation took to heart...

(Goku is being trained to fight, with him and Gohan balancing on two ropes)

Gohan: First rule is, there are no rules.

LK: Well, we've given an excuse not to follow these.

(MX takes out four Dragon Ball DVDs and throws it on the floor. NC takes out a handgun and shoots three times)

Gohan: First one to touch the ground loses.

NC (vo; as Gohan): That's the second rule after the first rule of there being no rules!

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