November 7, 2017
(2017 title sequence plays; cut to shots of a desert-like region. Everything is narrated by Kyle Hebert)
Hebert: (narrating) Last time on Nostalgia Critic Z...
(NC, dressed as Krillin, is seen confronting a DVD of an anime movie: Death Note)
Hebert: (narrating) ...Critic was confronting the worst anime adaptation of all time. (sees the Death Note DVD) No, the other one. (The DVD turns into another, Dragonball Evolution) There ya go.
(NC starts speaking at this point, but as a parody of anime, his mouth just opens and shuts repeatedly, not matching the words heard)
NC: So, shitty movie, you think you can piss off the legion of fans with your misunderstanding of source material? (DVD does not answer, of course) Your silence only enables your guiltiness! Now I will show you the meaning of pain!
Offscreen voice: You can't fight this evil alone!
Hebert: (narrating) MasakoX of Team Four Star joins Nostalgia Critic's fight!
NC: MasakoX from Team Four Star, you've come to join my fight?
Hebert: (narrating) I totally just said that.
MasakoX: (his mouth moving up and down, not matching what he says either) You need a true Dragon Ball fan to understand this outrage!
(Cut to a wide shot of the two)
NC: What do you know about Dragon Ball that I don't?
MX: Plenty, like how we cut to the extreme wide shots to save on lip animation, and your anger over this will be represented by zoom-out, combined with grunting and clenching your teeth with your eye twitching.
(Sure enough, NC is seen doing just that)
NC: Grunt, grunt!
MX: Now I will fight you by doing the same move repeatedly, and you doing the same dodge repeatedly!
(They do just that, until...)
Offscreen voice: You fools are missing the real enemy!
(LittleKuriboh suddenly appears, dressed as Vegeta, also destroying part of the Earth after showing up)
Hebert: (narrating) LittleKuriboh comes to talk sense into the feuding heroes!
MX: So, LittleKuriboh, you've come to talk sense to us, the feuding heroes?
Hebert: (narrating) Am I just not here or...
NC: Get out of here, Yu-Gi-Blow! You're not even from the right anime!
LK: (nope, his mouth movements don't match his words either) Maybe, but I'm smart enough to know that while you two are bitching like pansies, your opponent is building his power!
(To an explosion, the Dragonball Evolution DVD is seen charging up)
NC: My God! He's going Stupid Saiyan!
MX: It's okay. This usually lasts ten minutes. There's surprisingly little fighting in the show. It's mostly us screaming while rocks rise up.
LK: But he's using his Stupid Saiyan power to make stupid people say his movie is good!
LK: Just check out its critical score!
(LittleKuriboh holds up a smart phone, whose screen has the Rotten Tomatoes site on it; it shows that Dragonball Evolution has a 14% rating from critics)
LK: (growls, then smashes phone in his clenched fist) It's over nine perceeeent!!
NC: What?! Nine percent?! There's no way that could be right, can iiiiit?!
LK: People who don't know the show are being duped into thinking it's good!
MX: We can't let it get away with that!
LK: Agreed! Let dueling sides join forces just this once!
MX: And by "once", we mean "probably many times"!
(They all unleash their powers on the DVD, which causes an explosion that destroys the whole Earth...or rather, transitions to the title of the movie)
NC (vo): In a long line of botched live-action anime adaptations...
(Footage of the movie is shown)
NC (vo): ...Dragonball Evolution is arguably the most infamous. For years, I've gotten fan requests to talk about this cinematic ball-buster, but sadly, even though I'm a fan of some anime shows and films, Dragon Ball is not one I know a great deal about.
(Cut to NC sitting in his room; to his right and left are LittleKuriboh and MasakoX. All are in their normal getup)
LK and MX: (in unison) That's where we come in!
MX: MasakoX from Dragon Ball Z Abridged...
LK: ...and LittleKuriboh from Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged.
NC: That's right, a Japanese anime dubbed by Americans, now analyzed by two Brits!
LK: It makes as much sense as anything else in this movie.
(The images relating to Dragon Ball anime are shown)
MX (vo): The Dragon Ball franchise is one of the most popular animes ever made. Taking place in a parallel dimension, it follows the adventures of Goku and his friends defending Earth against intergalactic aliens, androids and other various evils who really like to yell.
LK (vo): With spinoffs including Dragon Ball Z, Dragon Ball Z Kai, Dragon Ball GT and Dragon Ball Super, there's over 700 episodes of this franchise, and it's still going. So, naturally, it makes sense for Hollywood to try and capitalize on it, and make a movie for Americans. How did it go?
NC: Did (poster of 2017's...) Ghost in the Shell do bad?
NC: Then this did really bad!
MX (vo): Fans of the show and newcomers hated this adaptation, claiming it missed not only what Dragon Ball was about, but dumbed it down so much that no average moviegoer would be able to enjoy it.
LK (vo): It's said by many to be the worst anime adaptation of all time. Don't believe me?
LK: How many people thought the low-budget sketch we just did was more faithful?
(Suddenly a bunch of hands go up, filling the screen)
NC: That sounds about right.
MX: So let's not put it off any longer.
NC: Let's take a look at this Dragon Ball Suck with Dragonball Evolution.
(The movie opens in space. The colorful constellations are forming people and objects Grandpa Gohan (Randall Duk Kim) narrates about))
MX (vo): I hope you're ready for an intro that's frontloaded as shit!
NC (vo): I think I am.
MX (vo): No, you're not.
Gohan: (narrating) A warlord named Piccolo came from beyond the stars. A group of brave warriors created the Mafuba, a powerful enchantment that imprisoned...
NC: (hand on cheek) Wow, I'm both lost and bored.
LK and MX: Get used to that. (NC's eyes widen in surprise and shock)
Gohan: (narrating) Aided by his disciple Oozaru, the evil pair brought the human race to the brink of annihilation.
NC: Okay... Shot in the dark. A great evil tried to take over, is defeated, and now is trying to come back.
MX: Wow, it's almost like you've seen a movie at some point in your life.
NC: (takes out the remote) Enough to know when to fast-forward.
(NC presses the button, and the intro is skipped as a voice says "Who gives a shit?!". We're first shown Son Goku (Justin Chatwin!))
NC (vo): We see our main character, played by Justin Chatwin, named... (The character's name appears, and NC is confused) Goku?
NC: Um... I don't know a ton about the anime, but that really doesn't look like a Goku.
LK: Well, as a white man, I am offended!
NC: You are?
LK: Yes, of stereotyping like that!
MX: I, for one, embrace culturally diverse names that in no way raise any questions or seem distracting.
NC: Wow. I really didn't think this with the angle you guys would lean.
LK: Of course!
LK (vo): John Shaft would be so much better if he was called Akio Hashimoto.
MX (vo): James Bond would be more culturally sensitive if he was named Bubba Grady.
LK (vo): And Ariel from The Little Mermaid would be light years ahead of her time if she was called Bob.
NC: Oh, I see what you're saying. A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.
MX: But if you name that rose...
MX (vo): ...shitty-shitty-ass-piss...
LK: ...you might want to change something.
(Goku is sweating, and it's shown in super slow-motion. Yes, even a drop of sweat falling to the sand from his nose)
NC (vo): Goku is trying his hardest to master his epic nose sweat...
MX (vo): This movie clearly understands what to shoot in slow-mo.
NC (vo): ...as his grandpa states what we know this adaptation took to heart...
(Goku is being trained to fight, with him and Gohan balancing on two ropes)
Gohan: First rule is, there are no rules.
LK: Well, we've given an excuse not to follow these.
(MX takes out four Dragon Ball DVDs and throws it on the floor. NC takes out a handgun and shoots down three times)
Gohan: First one to touch the ground loses.
NC (vo; as Gohan): That's the second rule after the first rule of there being no rules!
(We then cut to a fight scene between Goku and Gohan. It's boring and you can easily tell it's all green screen. We cut back to the three looking disinterested)
MX: Crouching Tiger, not-so-hidden green screen.
(The two are now fighting upside down)
LK (vo): And now, a brief recreation of the audience reaction to these first two minutes.
(Cut to three empty chairs. In the film, a beetle lands on the rope and Goku slaps it into Gohan's mouth)
NC: This movie does know the difference between an anime and a Donald Duck cartoon, right?
(The scene is repeated)
NC (vo; channeling Pumbaa): Slimy, yet seething with anger-filled disappointment!
(Goku is knocked on the ground, sliding into a watermelon bed)
MX (vo; as Gohan): Next, we'll fight without the wires!
Hebert: (narrating, as the fake title appears) Next time, on Dragon Ball Marionet...
(The images relating to Goku from the anime are shown)
LK (vo): So in the original show, Goku was a young, naive fighter obsessed with perfecting his gift and honoring the art of combat, fighting when he needs to. (Back to movie) Here, he's a whiny little pissant who just wants to be cool and get laid.
(Goku goes inside Gohan's greenhouse)
Goku: Everybody at school treats me like I'm nothing, Grandpa. Teach me how to get the girl.
NC: To be fair, though, that is a lot of episodes of a character's life to fill into one movie.
MX: Don't worry. That's why there is the Slumming-It Fairy.
NC: A what?
LK: The Slumming-It Fairy. She magically provides stock lines when you don't want to put real work into a character.
(MX takes out a bell and rings it. After a flash, the said Slumming-It Fairy (Tamara) pops up, not giving a fuck about anything happening)
Fairy: Yeah, what?
MX: Well, we don't want to put any effort into one of Japan's most beloved characters.
LK: But we still want a paycheck for it.
MX: Can you supply with some dated angst?
Fairy: Yeah, sure.
(She waves her wand, and a small box with the word "Schlock" on it appears on the table. Excited, NC opens it, taking a note)
NC: Ooh! Here's a tired classic! "I'm different".
Goku: I'm different.
LK: Here's one with no effort: "I wanna explode".
Goku: I wanna explode.
MX: And who can forget the popular "Teach me to be normal"?
Goku: Teach me to be normal.
NC: Ooh! And don't forget... "What friends?"
Goku: What friends?
NC: We did it! We reduced someone so special to so many to someone not the least bit special in any way!
Fairy: Yeah, don't forget, you get stock parental advice for no additional charge.
NC: Ooh, she's right! (takes another note) Including "You're special".
Gohan: You're special.
LK: "Normal is overrated".
Gohan: Normal is overrated.
MX: And "Have faith in who you are"!
Gohan: Have faith in who you are.
NC: Thanks, Slumming-It Fairy! You took from other source material, even though we have plenty of source material to already take from.
Fairy: Whatever. Can I get high on your couch?
Fairy: See ya. (leaves)
NC: This is only gonna get worse, isn't it?
LK: Yes, it is.
NC: (to Fairy) Save some room on that couch.
(Gohan gives to Goku his 18-birthday present: the four-star Dragon Ball)
MX (vo): Goku's grandpa gives him a present for his birthday: a Dragon Ball, which, when combined with the other six, will grant a perfect wish.
NC: Well, we know they never found because this film is still here.
Gohan: In all the world, there are only six others. "Susinchu" means "four stars".
LK (vo; as Gohan): You know, something this film will never see.
Goku: Thanks, Grandpa.
(The images showing off the variety of memorable locations in the anime are shown)
MX (vo): So the Dragon Ball universe that seemed to magically take place in the past, present and future, expanding the worldbuilding possibilities of the imagination, is now just the future.
NC: Apocalyptic? Utopian? Techno?
NC (vo): Again, having not seen much of the anime, I can still pick up that the movie's environment looks practically nothing like the show's environment.
LK (vo): Even the environment in the film is not very well-defined. It would take a while to even realize we were in the future unless we were told. This could be the set to any random film, where with the show, just one image could tell you immediately you're watching Dragon Ball.
NC: Yeah, but at least, the film's bullies...
(Goku is confronted by the school's bullies)
Carey Fuller (Texas Battle): Make me pay, Geeko.
NC: ...are generic, too.
Fuller: Come on, Geeko. Show me what you got.
(Goku makes an angry face, which makes the bullies laugh at him)
MX: Yes, you'll realize very quickly that the facial expressions...
MX (vo): ...that Goku has range from "violent farting" to "try-to-project-himself-off-the-ground farting".
NC: Don't a lot of people do fart jokes when talking about this movie?
LK: Didn't you hear rule #1? There are no rules.
(Grinning, LK, NC and MX rub their hands with glee. What follows is a montage of Goku making angry faces or half-smiling, accompanied by various kinds of farting, ending with a short fart)
Hebert: (narrating) Next time, on Dragon Ball Metamucil...
(We are shown a flying ship, which belongs to Lord Piccolo (James Marsters))
NC (vo): Oh! Um...meanwhile, on Bowser's airship, a villain named Piccolo is wondering why being hundreds of feet in the air gets him surprisingly little wind resistance.
(Images of Piccolo Jr. in the anime are followed)
MX (vo): In the show, Piccolo is complex and had interesting reasons for why he wanted ultimate power. He was so interesting that even his offspring would eventually become friends with our main hero.
MX: Just a colossal twat.
LK (vo): He wants to take over the world, because...you know, evil and stuff....and sends out his minions to find the Dragon Balls to achieve his goal.
(Piccolo's ninja henchwoman Mai, played by Eriko Tamura, comes out of the smoke, wearing a suit that shows off her body)
NC (vo; as Mai): Do you like my assassin uniform? It'll make sure you know that I have breasts.
(A woman looks at Piccolo as Mai waits for him to say the word for execution...until we come back to high school)
MX (vo): Enough of that shit! We've got to cut to horny Goku!
(A scene proceeds with Goku envisioning Chi-Chi (played by Jamie Chung) relaxing in a field of flowers while eating a strawberry seductively)
LK: To be fair, Goku in the show was awkwardly horny, too. (As he says that, we get a scene where the kid Goku is lifting up Bulma's skirt to see her panties)
MX: Yeah, but he never seen a girl before, so he didn't know he was horny.
LK: Does that make it better?
(The three pause for a brief thought)
NC: Better than this.
MX: I'll agree to that.
Mr. Kingery (Julian Sedgwick): What might our ancestors say about the upcoming solar eclipse?
Goku: Well, my grandfather would say, "Beware of the Nameks."
Goku: Yeah. They're an alien race that nearly destroyed Earth over...2,000 years ago.
NC: Well, we have no idea how this future works, so we have no idea how crazy this is supposed to sound.
Kingery: Well, let's hope it doesn't happen again, hmm? (Everyone at class laughs)
LK (vo; as Kingery): Keep it at Scientology.
(Chi-Chi can't open her locker, so Goku tries to secretly help her using his power (ki), but accidentally opens all the lockers in the hall, revealing himself)
NC (vo): But it looks like Goku's help with the lockers might have earned him some tail. Not... (The picture of young Goku in the anime kicking in the air, his monkey tail behind him, is shown) actual tail, that'd be like the show.
Chi-Chi: Hey! Goku, right?
NC (vo; as Goku): (under his breath) Pfft! Like anyone would cast me as a Goku... (out loud) Oh, I mean, uh...yes! That's my character.
Chi-Chi: You used your ki.
Goku: You know about ki?
Chi-Chi: Just because my name is Chi-Chi doesn't make me a complete idiot.
Goku: (chuckles) Right.
LK, NC and MX: (also chuckling) Yeah! (They stop, looking puzzled) What?
Chi-Chi: I'm having a party tonight at my house.
Goku: I'll be there.
(Cut to actually pretty filmed pond at sunset)
LK (vo): Oh, that's a pretty shot. (And we're shown Goku at home preparing to go to party) Well, back to shit.
(Goku looks at himself in the mirror, dressed up as a typical "cool guy", with hair sprayed, toothpick in mouth, all that stuff)
Goku: Beauty awaits.
(The hairspray doesn't work for long and is splattered on the mirror. Goku drops a toothpick)
NC: Is there a film theory that he's just the pain in the ass...
(Screenshot of Robbie Ferrier (Chatwin) from War of the Worlds (2005) is shown)
NC (vo): ...he played in War of the Worlds after the aliens invaded?
MX: Nobody wasted any theories on this film.
MX (vo): Goku sneaks out of his house to go to Chi-Chi's party, where the bullies, who literally have no reason to mock him, mock him.
(The bullies approach Goku again)
Goku: I was invited. I'm not looking for any trouble.
Agundes (Richard Blake): Trouble found you, freak. So listen. Why don't you turn around, walk away. No one will even know you were here.
LK: (as a bully) Yeah, you freak with your good looks, and your...your nice hair, and your fancy clothing... What are we doing?
NC: (whispers) I don't know.
Goku: I'm not doing that anymore.
NC, LK and MX (vo; singing): The dorks are gonna rumble toniiiight!
(The bullies attack Goku, but the latter successfully dodges their hits)
NC (vo; as a bully): Thank God we all know really bad kung fu!
LK (vo): Especially this guy. (A green arrow points at a bully swinging his fist at Goku, but missing by nearly 2 feet) How far away was that punch?
(Goku kicks Agundes in the fountain, and his falling and splashing is slowed down)
NC: (as Agundes, speaking in "slow-motion" and gesturing) I've been Snydered!
(Another bully tries to hit Goku with a crowbar, and Goku avoits the hit by sliding across a car roof on his head)
LK: Did he just slide across the car with his head?!
(The scene is replayed)
MX: Oh, come on, even Krillin wouldn't do that! (to LK) By the way, is he even in this?
MX: (under his breath) Piece-of-shit film.
NC: Should I be angry at that?
NC: (shakes fist) I'm really angry!
MX (vo): So the original Goku who hated fighting* and only did it when he had to is now tossing one-liners like and unfunny James Bond.
-Actually Goki loved fighting, what he hated was needless violence.
NC (vo): And fart faces, too.
(The scene is repeated again, but with the farting sound added. Cut to Goku chatting with Chi-Chi at the party)
MX (vo): Nevertheless, he defeats the bullies and gets friendly with Chi-Chi.
Chi-Chi: What happened to your parents?
Goku: Uh, I don't know. But my grandpa said everything will be explained to me when I turn 18.
LK: (as Goku) My grandpa's kind of a dick.
(At home, Gohan is attacked by Piccolo and Mai)
MX (vo): But he might not get his wish, as grandpa is attacked by Piccolo, who is literally dressed like a piccolo. (A photo of clarinet appears. Yes, not a piccolo, but still close enough)
(Piccolo breaks the house into small pieces)
LK (vo): He destroys the house because, apparently, Piccolo can do that now, and Goku comes home to his dying mentor.
(Goku rushes to find Gohan dying)
Gohan: Find Master Roshi in Paozu. Tell him Piccolo has returned.
NC: (as Gohan) Now, if you'll excuse me, there's a dead mentor poker game with...
NC: And I'd better hurry. I hear Gandalf might drop by briefly.
MX (vo): After searching the house, Goku finds, I think, a second present he was going to give him.
(Goku opens up a chest to find an orange gi)
(Gohan's laughter echoing is heard)
LK: Even his dead grandpa laughs at how stupid that looks.
(The scene plays again)
NC (vo): But he quickly discovers he's not alone.
(Suddenly Goku has a gun pointed at him by Bulma)
Bulma (Emmy Rossum): Where is it? I know it's here.
Goku: Are you Piccolo?
MX: With casting so bad, she could be.
LK (vo): Actually, this is Bulma, played by Emmy Rossum.
(The shot of the kid Goku and Bulma's first meeting in the anime is shown)
LK (vo): They originally met when Goku was a little boy, (Back to the movie) but now in this they're the same age. It works, because...wait, no, it doesn't.
Bulma: If I was a piccolo, whatever that is, I wouldn't tell you. Somebody stole my chromethium orb, and I'm here to get it back.
MX: You know, this movie has enough whitewashing, do we really have to dubwash too?
(Two clips are shown to illustrate Bulma's speech doesn't match her lip movements)
Bulma: PhD in applied dynamics. / They're gonna make me famous.
NC: (dubbed in badly) What a story, Mark.
Bulma: Somebody hacked the vaults, killed the guards and stole the Dragon Ball.
(The flashback of Bulma shooting at Mai escaping from the Capsule Corporation shown)
LK (vo): What is this, Spy Kids? I've seen toy commercials with more realistic technology.
Bulma: This can detect and locate the signature wavelengths emitted by the Dragon Balls.
NC (vo): Thank God they talk about the important stuff that really matters in this film.
Goku: You made a Dragon Ball energy locator?
Bulma: Dragon Ball Energy. DBE. Catchy name.
(Suddenly Malcolm Ray comes in about to shoot the movie)
Malcolm: Son of a bitch! I'll kill you! I'll kill you!!..
NC: No, no, no, no! It's okay, it's okay! Malcolm, Malcolm! It's okay, it's okay. We're gonna get through this, right? Give me the gun, give me the gun. (NC carefully takes the gun away from Malcolm) You're okay, you're okay. Just...back away. Back, back.
Malcolm: (leaving the scene almost in tears) Okay...
NC: Doing good. You're doing good. Better than last time, yeah. (The other two are stunned) He's a big fan. (They nod in understanding)
LK (vo): They agree to join forces to find the other Dragon Balls, and they ride on her... (Bulma makes an ATV appear like a Transformer)
(NC is holding a P.K.E. meter from Ghostbusters)
NC: My God, the bullshit levels are through the roof!*
- Funny enough, this was not actually bullshit. In Dragon Ball, entire houses could be stored in pill-sized capsules
MX (vo): They go to find Roshi, as his grandpa instructed, and locate him in the house from Up.
(At Roshi's house, Goku ends up smacking his leg against a table, making stones fly out. He uses Matrix bullet time to gather all but one which flies into a vase, the small noise enough to wake Roshi up)
Hebert: (narrating) Next time on Dragon Ball... Seriously? Seriously?!?
LK (vo): Goku wakes up Roshi and makes the sad discovery that Chow Yun-fat found a film worse than Pirates 3 to appear in.
(Goku throws punches at Roshi, but he just casually deflects each one at high speed until he headbutts Goku in the chest, knocking him back)
NC (vo; as Bulma): CGI is atrocious!
Roshi (Chow Yun-fat): I am Muten Roshi, the Invincible! (laughs)
MX: To be fair, Chow Yun-fat, while certainly different, (picture of Master Roshi appears in the bottom) is not that bad a choice for this role.
MX (vo): He's a wisecracker, a little pervy, and energetically full of himself. But then there's scenes like this.
Goku: My grandfather is dead.
(Roshi's smile just comically deflates upon him hearing that. The guys look at that scene before ending up on the couch along with the Slumming-It Fairy and Malcolm on the floor, smoking joints and a hookah)
NC: It doesn't get rid of the pain.
LK: But it does make it hurt a little less.
(Malcolm brings a camberwell carrot to his mouth, and we go to commercial. After returning, we are shown Goku explaining the situation to Roshi)
NC (vo): So after Goku gives his most heartfelt powerhouse performance...
Goku: I will avenge him. But before he...he died, he asked me to find you.
NC: What do you think the directing for that scene was like?
NC (vo): ...Roshi gives them his Dragon Ball and says he'll join them to find the others.
(Roshi is packed up and ready to accompany Goku and Bulma)
NC (vo; channeling Eddie Griswold): Shitter was full!
Roshi: I will take you to a secret place.
LK (vo): He takes them to a training temple that looks more like Mortal Kombat High School where, what a surprise, Chi-Chi happens to be training there.
Chi-Chi: Nobody at home aknows this, but I'm a fighter, too. They just wouldn't understand.
NC: What does that even mean? Fighting for money?
MX: Fighting for justice?
LK: Fighting for fun?
NC: Nothing else in this world makes sense, so why should this mean shit?
NC (vo): After that seemingly pointless scene...
NC: ...they fall down a hole and get trapped by a guy named Yamcha.
Bulma: Let me handle this. I'd be, uh, so grateful if you could just help me and my friends out.
Yamcha (Joon Park): I'm gonna need some payment.
NC: Let me try. (imitates Bulma, mimicking twirling his hair and rubbing his nipples seductively) I'd be, uh, so grateful if you would just help me and my friends out.
Yamcha: Just think it over, 'cause after the sun comes out, it's gonna be hot, hot, hot! (He leaves them) Ha, hot.
MX: Just because you can improvise doesn't mean you should.
LK (vo): They build a fire as it gets late in the night, and Roshi literally tells the same story we heard in the opening. But Bulma finds out only now for some reason that the Dragon Ball is buried beneath them. That's lucky.
(Suddenly Roshi jumps out of the pit, startling Yamcha)
Roshi: Enough games.
LK, NC and MX: WHY DIDN'T HE DO THAT BEFORE?!
Malcolm: (pops up to say...) Ass!
NC (vo): They offer to pay Yamcha if he helps them dig, which is weird, because that means they could have just paid him before anyway. How many hours did they waste down there?
MX (vo): So digging through a hole leads them to the top of a volcano...
(Cut back to the couch with everyone getting high again)
MX (vo): ...where Piccolo sends his Putties...I mean, minions, to stop them.
LK (vo): In doing so, though, he only provides a way for them to get to the Dragon Ball. Our evil strategist, everybody.
(Goku jumps onto the minions' bodies as they float on the lava)
NC: (as he, MasakoX, and LittleKuriboh move their hands rapidly) The floor is literally lava!
(Before Goku can grab the Dragon Ball, he is stopped by Mai. But after she punches him in the cheek, Goku just throws her away)
NC (vo): Goku gets the ball, but is pretty easily defeated by Piccolo's assassin...only to have her easily defeated a second later. Look at this. He talks in the next scene like he doesn't even notice her.
Goku: There's this demon...
Goku: He will kill you.
NC: (as Goku) Oh, there's a lady, too. She got a swing-in. Just...pointing her out in case she was supposed to be (finger quotes) a "powerful second-in-command".
(Roshi, Bulma, Yamcha and Goku discover a temple and meet Roshi's former master Sifu Norris (Ernie Hudson))
LK (vo): So Chew the Fat, How Many Stars, Surf Ninja and Elijah Wooden all travel to the Temple of Underappreciated Ghostbusters.
Sifu: How is my favorite skeptic?
Roshi: I need another containment vessel.
NC: (as Roshi) I mean, we saw what happened to the last one.
(The clip from Ghostbusters (1984) is shown, showing the Ghostbusters firehouse HQ exploding on the inside)
MX: You done?
LK and NC: (waving off, smiling) Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
(Goku is shown learning the Kamehameha wtih Roshi)
MX (vo): So even though in the show that focuses on mastering energy, here, it's mastering... (sighs) airbending.
NC: (shaking head slowly, refusing to believe) They do not call it that.
MX: Oh, but they do.
(Cut to a clip from before)
Roshi: The most basic of all the airbending techniques.
LK: I'm honestly surprised Sailor Moon isn't in this.
Hebert: (narrating) Next time, on Dragon Ball The Last Airbender...
(Kyle Hebert is shown at his home studio, standing by the microphone)
Hebert: Oh, forget it.
NC: Hey, Kyle! Where are you going?! Get back here, you coward!
Hebert: I'm sorry, guys. You know, Dragon Ball Evolution is one thing, but throwing Shyamalan in there, too? I still have my shame to hold on to. (He leaves)
NC: Bastard! (shakes fist angrily) You will never "next time on Dragon Ball Z" again! Wave fists, wave fists! (LK and MX follow suit)
LK (vo): Funny, by the way, how in the show, Goku was a child prodigy, and here, he can't even light a goddamn candle!
NC (vo): Well, that's because he's not properly horny-vated.
(To Goku's surprise, Chi-Chi appears)
Chi-Chi: Every time you light a torch, you get to take one step closer to me.
(Goku attempts to light a lantern up with his ki, but fails)
MX: (as Goku) No, I swear, that happens to all guys!
Goku: It doesn't feel right. I must be missing something.
Chi-Chi: You have to make every move your own.
LK: You've stolen from, like, a million other films. Something has to be original.
NC (vo): He finally gets it, but Piccolo's assassin breaks in, disguised as Chi-Chi, stealing the Dragon Balls.
(Mai/Chi-Chi jumps off the roof and lands on ground safely, leaving Bulma and Yamcha stunned)
MX (vo): Rossum has a look that says, "Wow. Howard the Duck's effects are way more convincing right now."
(Bulma, Yamcha, Roshi and Sifu rush to unconscious Goku and Chi-Chi)
Roshi: He's alive. But barely.
(We cut to Goku in...the blue-filtered outside of his house, seeing Gohan)
NC (vo): Goku has a near-acting experience, where he sees his grandpa, and...you know, "it's not your time", "have faith in who you are", blah-blah-blah-blah-blah.
Gohan: It's not your time, Goku. Always have faith in who you are.
NC: Oh, come on!! That was just a generalisation! He actually says that?!
LK: Why not just have him say...
(The guys overdub Gohan's speech)
LK (vo): "Plenty of fish in the sea".
MX (vo): "Remember to drink your milk!"
LK (vo): "Meow-meow-meow-meow, meow-meow-meow-meow..."
MX (vo): "#PopularPhrase!"
(Malcolm runs back with a gun!)
(All three frantically try to wrest the gun from Malcolm's hands)
NC: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't!
(With the help of Roshi's powers, Goku comes back alive)
LK (vo): Grandpa brings Goku back to life, (Miracle Max and Valerie from The Princess Bride are shown briefly) because he's only half-dead, and they go to stop Piccolo after apologizing to Ernie Hudson for having him for only two minutes.
(Sifu gives the Mafuba, the containment vessel, to Roshi)
Sifu: Pray it is enough to contain Piccolo.
Roshi: Namaste. (goes away)
NC (vo; as Sifu): I spent three hours in makeup for this?
(They get in Roshi's flying metal car to get to Piccolo's lair)
MX (vo): Thankfully, their car is shitty-shitty-bang-bang and can fly fast enough to stop Piccolo's monologuing.
Piccolo: (holds up the Dragon Ball, speaking to Mai) Imagine...being shackled so tightly...that every atom in your body...stood compacted. With this Dragon Ball, I take my vengeance upon the Earth.
MX: You know, just because your underacting is way better than their overacting doesn't mean it's not underacting.
(Goku and his team arrive)
NC (vo): They get there at the start of the eclipse and try to stop him from taking over the world.
(Goku is shown wearing the gi Gohan gave him)
MX (vo): Look, he even has the outfit on! It's totally Dragon Ball now, guys!
Goku: I will defeat Ozaru, and I'm here to destroy you.
Piccolo: Hm. Defeat Ozaru?
NC: (as Piccolo) You can barely act!
(Piccolo reveals to Goku that he is actually Ozaru, having been sent to Earth as an infant to destroy it when older)
LK (vo): But in a bizarre twist, Goku, it turns out, is Ozaru, turning into a monster. Would've been nice if someone prepared him for that.
(A clip from before is shown)
Goku: My grandpa said everything will be explained to me when I turn 18.
(Goku starts grunting in pain, trying not to turn into his true form)
Piccolo: Goku is a shell. (The word "shell" echoes) This is who you are.
MX: (with him, LK and NC waving hands) The fart faces must flow!
(The violent farting sound effect is played over the scene of Goku grunting, with showing the clip of Harry Dunne from Dumb and Dumber having diarrhea. Eventually, Goku transforms into Ozaru, and Roshi, Bulma and Yamcha arrive too late)
Piccolo: Ozaru, they have a Dragon Ball.
LK: (as Piccolo, in a low voice) Don't make my voice sound even more disinterested.
(Before Roshi can use the Mafuba, Goku/Ozaru chokes him to death, but Roshi's dying words snap Goku back to his senses, and he turns back)
NC (vo): Goku kills Roshi, but remembers who he is and turns back.
Goku: Something my grandfather taught me. First rule is...
LK, NC and MX: Always read the script?
Goku: There are no rules.
LK: Then how is that the first rule?! That's just dumb!
(Goku and Piccolo engage into a final fight)
MX (vo): Piccolo and Goku finally face off. And for a movie adapted from a show known for its fighting, this fighting sucks some harsh balls.
(Goku dodges Piccolo's power blasts. Then he uses his ki three times, but misses Piccolo)
MX: Bibleman had better effects!
LK (vo): Look at this. Most of the fighting is just Goku trying to not get his ass kicked.
(Goku and Piccolo fist fight in mid-air)
NC (vo): No, that's not true. He hit him once...twice... Oh, my God. I think that's it.
MX: One of the most famous fighters in anime, and he gets two hits!
NC: Well, look at it this way...
(NC realizes there are no words to politely describe this. Cut back to the couch and the gang getting high once again)
LK: We should just live here. (Malcolm nods)
NC (vo): Goku realizes he has to be both himself and Ozaru...whatever that means...and he unleashes the ultimate power.
MX (vo): That's right, the Kamehameha. (Clips of the Kamehameha being used throughout the show and games are shown) In the show, this is always the highlight, an incredible display of power blowing everyone figuratively and literally away. Here...I think he turns into a screensaver.
(After Goku defeats Ozaru with his Kamehameha, the blue-colored hit waves cover the screen, which turns white)
LK: (dramatically) Oh, no! He's turned into 3D Pipes!
(The said Windows XP screensaver is shown)
NC: Actually, can we just watch that? They are more convincing.
MX: I truly believe that they're pipes.
LK (vo): The eclipse wraps up, but nothing compares to the shade this movie has given to the Dragon Ball franchise.
NC (vo): But, hey. Now that Goku has the Dragon Balls and has one perfect wish, what's he's gonna use it on?
(Goku uses all the seven Dragon Balls to summon Shen Long)
Goku: Dragon! The Test of Seven has been fulfilled! I compel you to come forth and grant my wish!
MX: Not until you say like you give a shit! Christ!
(The glowing CGI dragon Shen Long flies to Goku)
NC (vo; sighs): The Putrid Pus looks so fake, you could have Sean Connery voicing it.
Goku: Give life...to Muten Roshi.
NC: ...Funny. He could've used that wish to grant world peace.
LK: Or bring back his grandpa, the person who raised him.
MX: Oh! Maybe to have the power to bring back anyone he wants whenever he wants?
NC: How long was this journey? They had plenty of time to talk about this!
NC (vo): But the Dragon Balls are gone, and they have to find them again. Oh, no. As if this film didn't already repeat shit we've seen a million times.
(Goku returns to the temple, finding Chi-Chi waiting for him in the training ring)
MX (vo): But it's cool, because Goku reunites with Chi-Chi, who...stayed behind while everyone else fought.
LK (vo): Yeah, where was her lazy ass?
(Goku and Chi-Chi begin a sparring match to see who is stronger. Screaming, they rush to each other and jump, and they freeze in bullet time)
MX (vo): Because that's what Dragon Ball is all about. Goku punching Chi-Chi's heel in mid-air.
(Everyone is completely high on the couch)
NC (vo): Oh, and just when you think it's over...
LK: Well, the pain never really stops, Critic.
NC: I know. But, in terms of the movie's "ending", it turns out they have a mid-credit stinger!
NC (vo): It's revealed that Piccolo is still alive, and he's being tended to by a woman. Okay, that should only take five seconds to reveal. Big whoop.
LK (vo): Well, they do apparently think that it is a big whoop, because they spend about (The caption "1:30" pops up) a minute and a half dragging this reveal out.
NC: A minute and a half? What the hell can you show in that amount of time?!
LK: Well, the suspenseful build-up of picking plants...
(The mid-credits scene is shown in its entirety to the whimsy vibraphone music. LK is excited, wanting to know what's next, while NC and MX look listless. Everything else happening in the scene is described by LK)
LK (vo): Bringing the plants inside...
(LK is even more thrilled)
LK (vo): Putting the plants in the medicine...
(The thrill of LK grows bigger, as well as MX and NC's bore)
LK (vo): Making the medicine...
(As NC and MX just lay their heads on the table, LK is beyond excited)
LK: Whoa! Oh, my... Yes!
LK (vo): Carrying the medicine down the hallway...
NC: (suddenly gets his head up, irritated) Okay, we get it! GOD!
LK: Critic, this is all essential in delivering such a powerhouse reveal!
LK (vo): Bringing the medicine into the room...
(LK is so hyped up, he holds onto the chair's backrest, panting. MX just covers his face with both hands)
LK: Oh, my... Oh... (He is pushed away by NC)
LK (vo): Dabbing a cloth in the medicine, and then the reveal!
(And the reveal is done to a dramatic sting)
NC: You're not happening, sequel.
LK: (stands up and yells in NC's face) RIGHT?! RIGHT?! That! Was! So! STUPIIIID!!!
Voice: (narrating) Next time, on Dragon Ball Z: a cold day in Hell.
NC: Oh, hey! Kyle came back!
Voice: That's right.
(But it's actually Jon Bailey acting like Hebert)
Jon: And only Rye-u, or Ree-u, or however you say his name, can save the day.
NC: Goddammit, Jon Bailey! You're not Kyle Hebert!
Jon: But I fooled you for a minute, didn't I? Subscribe to my channel-
(NC takes the remote and turns Jon off)
LK: So that was Dragonball Evolution.
NC: Whether you're an average moviegoer...
MX: ...or a die-hard fan...
LK, NC and MX: It blows.
(The movie's clips are shown as the guys go to their final thoughts)
NC (vo): It's visually disjointed, it has little to no worldbuilding, the acting is awkward, the effects are lame. It's pretty laughably bad.
MX (vo): Fans that have waited years for a faithful live-action movie are gonna have to keep waiting, because this has no idea of what Dragon Ball was about or what made it so special.
LK (vo): It doesn't work in any way. And any newcomers that are introduced to Dragon Ball this way risk losing a fan for life. It's just one big disrespectful mess.
NC: Well, I probably would have hated the movie anyway, but thank you, guys, so much for showing me in how many different levels I should hate it.
MX: No problem, Critic.
LK: My miserable pleasure.
NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remem-
(Jon is back again)
Jon: Hey, wait. You sure you guys don't want me to narrate you out?
(Then, the real Kyle Hebert returns to his mic)
Hebert: You know, guys, maybe I was jumping a gun a little bit when I left, and, like... Hey! Who the hell are you?
Jon: Um... I'm Kyle Hebert. (He pronounces the surname "Hee-bert")
(LK, NC and MX sigh in annoyance)
Hebert: I-I'm gone for a minute, and you already get another Kyle Hebert?
NC: I'm sorry, but he's a pretty good Kyle.
Hebert: He was talking to me!
MX: Well, there's only one way to settle this.
LK: That's right! A Kyle Hebert-off!
NC: Agreed. You two will face off to see who's the best narrator of Dragon Ball Z! You in?
Hebert: All right.
Jon: Let's do this!
NC: (as the camera zooms on him) Okay. Get ready... Get set...
(But before NC can start, MX cuts him off)
MX: Guys, it really is Kyle.
LK: Yes, true. He was there first.
NC: Yeah, good point. Kyle, you win.
Jon: Hey, what the f-
NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic.
MX: I'm MasakoX.
LK: I'm LittleKuriboh.
NC: And avoid Dragonball Evolution like the plague.
(The scene of Goku giving a half-smile is shown with a short fart. The credits roll, and Kyle Hebert narrates most of them onscreen)
Hebert: Will Gohan reclaim his former glory, which was unceremoniously squashed on DBZ? Will Goku be able to close the hole in the ozone layer caused by all the hairspray he used in his Super Saiyan duel? Can Ox-King find true love on Tinder? When will Mr. Satan join the WWE and become an honorary member of The New Day? How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Does the rain in Spain fall mainly on the plain...or just in Detroit?
Channel Awesome tagline - Bulma: DBE. Catchy name.
- This was the last Nostalgia Critic episode to be uploaded on Vidme, as the website shut down on December 15, 2017.