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Dragon's Lair
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Released
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November 24, 2015
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Running time
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16:13
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Previous review
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Next Review
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TBA
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Link
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Narrator: Last time on The Nostalgia Critic, Randy Savage, Segata and Don Bluth... Well you can figure out the rest.
(Opening Title)
(We see Nostalgia Critic, in his "best" moods, holding a PS3 Controller as we hears the game sounds)
Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. (beat) This is my punishment for making fun of Don Bluth. I have to play "Dragon's Lair." (beat) It doesn't sound that bad, but have you actually played Dragon's Lair?! Of course not! Nobody has! You just watched it like everyone else did and just wait for the eccentric millionaire to come; blows all his money and figure out what move what you are suppose to do.
Critic: Okay, here's the thing, the game really is innovative and beautiful. Nothing ever had been done like it before. (beat) BUT IT'S FREAKIN' HARD!!!
Critic: (As he named, the NES cartridge of said games appears) Imagine "Legend of Zelda 2," "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" and "Silver Surfer" blindfolded, 'That' is the only training of hard this game is.
Don Bluth: Did someone regretting not talking about of how awesome I am?
Critic: You do know the last time I did anything game related totally blow up in my face, right? (Referring NC's Let's Play video of Bart's Nightmare for the SNES.)
Don Bluth: Yep.
Critic: (glares) I really hate you, right now.
Don Bluth: Hey, Do I need to do a "Death Glare" again?
Critic: You know what, try me! I bet I got used to it by now.
(Don Bluth gave NC death glare)
Critic: Do-oooohhh! You're like a shaming disapproval of every morbid grandparent.
Don Bluth: Less talking, more reviewing!
Critic: (sighs) So, if you don't know; (a footage of Dragon's Lair plays) Dragon's Lair came out as an arcade game in the 1980s. The story was what every story was for the game in the 80s, Guy saves Chick. But to be fair, this one did had a good sense of humor as both the hero and the damsel seem playfully airheadish. It was the first cinematically animated adventure quest with Bluth as the director of animation. Back then, It was practically impossible to replicated into other platforms. (Namely the NES Version and other consoles that are limited to that technology) But today, it's been adapted to several other consoles and has been beautifully updated. But with that said, It's still freakin' impossible!
Critic: Now granted, you can set on easy with arrows always tell you where to go. But there's a name for that, I believe. It's called...um... cheating. Yeah, the arcade game didn't work that way. So that is not what I'm doing either, I gonna play as the game intended to be, the way that made it popular when it first came out.
Critic: With that in mind, the controls are seemingly simple. Up, down, left, right and push one button to use the sword. Easy enough, right? Well, here's the problem. It is always not clear on what you're suppose to do. (We see Dirk the Daring slashes the Bat Monster) Sometimes it's a no-brainer. You see a monster and you use the sword. (Then we see Dirk enters into the crypt with jumping skulls) But other times you suppose to move out of the way. (Dirk tries to get the sword out while the skulls attacks him and kills him) DAAHHH!!!
Critic: How am I suppose to know to use the sword on this monster (bat monster) but run away from that one? (jumping skulls) Okay, so what, I can learn my mistake on my next turn, right?
Critic: Eleven herbs and spices of wrong. You see, because this is a new gameplay, the developers thought it might be too easy. So, they change up the levels so you wouldn't figure out too quickly. Because you had to remember what the right choices was ten stages ago in case when it randomly pops out again. Because every single stages need to be defeated, sometimes twice, in order to get to the final level.
(Dirk swings his sword at the purple tentacles with eyeballs, then he tries it again but the tentacles wrapped around him.)
Critic: Ugh! In that one, I had to use the sword once, very important.
(The enchanted anvil come charging at Dirk as Dirk tries to get the sword out. But the anvil rammed him to the wall)
Critic: Okay, in that one, I don't use the sword at all, I jump back. (poking his noggin) Put it in the vault.
(Dirk is in the wind room but we see a blue glowing diamond at the window sill. Then Dirk tries to get it but then he fell through the window, plummeting to his death.)
Critic: What?! Wait a minute! It was a glowing thing! How am I suppose not go after the glowing thing in the game?! It was a glowing thing! It just like telling a dog not go after a bone! It's freaking nature!
(Dirk is back at the room with the purple tentacles.)
Critic: Oh, we're back here again. Okay, use the sword only once.
(Dirk swings the sword at the tentacle monster then he dodged another set of tentacles and walked up the stairs)
Critic: Ha! You're my bitch, purple peni!
(Then by surprise, the stair disappears and the portal hole opens glows and a chain glows as well. Dirk grabs hold of the chains and the water gate opens and the water washes Dirk down to the abyss.)
Critic: Wha... ha... That was two glowing things!! You just got into my head not to go after one glowing thing and then they gave me fucking two?!! It just like telling me not to go after one cupcake and then gave me two cupcake and then you smack me in the face for not going after the two cupcakes!!! WHAT DO YOU WANT?! In the depths of your ignorance, what do you want?!
(Dirk is in the bedroom as the bricks of walls is closing around the door as the door glows when it opens)
Critic: Glowing thing. (Long beat) (then hesitantly presses the up button) Yes?
(Dirk jumps successfully through the hole as the wall closes behind him)
Critic: (shakes his fist in triumphant) Ha! Ha!
(Then Dirk enter the room with a bottle that has a sign that reads 'Drink me')
Critc: Oh, another glowing thing.
(Dirk drinks the contents of the bottle, but then crumbles into to dust.)
Critic: OOOHHHHH!!!!! It said, "DRINK ME!" The goddamn game gave me an instructions and then lied to me! I WASN'T SUPPOSE TO DRINK IT EVEN THOUGH IT SAID "DRINK ME!" WHO'S RUNNING THIS GODDAMN PLACE? GALDOS?! (A picture of a writings on the wall from Portals but only photoshopped that it read, 'The Drink Is A Lie')
Critic: (The montage of stages like; The Electric Knight; Green Tentacle Room and River Rapids plays out) Sometimes, there are kind and cleverly layouts clues for you. Like whenever a space is available that is what probably where you're suppose to go. Once in a while, a door will opens and closes to indicate that's where you're suppose head towards. Logical deduction can be an obvious route.
(Dirk is in the fire room when lightning strikes the fire starts and Dirk is supposed to dodge the fire.)
Critic: But even the direction can be a little confusing like, lookie here. (a green arrow appears only slanted downleft) Does this count as down or left? In one fraction of a second you had to make the decision. (Critic hesitantly presses a button) Down?
(But Dirk got burned and Critic throws a fit even biting the controller.)
(We see Dirk chased by the Lizard King.)
Critic: Now this one seems pretty easy, giving you plenty of time to figure out which way to go.
(The chase continues as the Lizard King tries to bonk Dirk with his sceptre but Dirk kept dodging as he chases after his sword that is held by a pot of gold.)
Critic: (Chuckles with pride) Child's play.
(Then Dirk caught to the pot of gold, the Lizard King caught up to him and chaos ensues)
Critic: (Exclaims in a panic when he saw the battle)
(Then the Lizard successfully bats Dirk on the head)
Critic: Oh fudge! (Facepalms in frustration)
Don Bluth: (amused) Wow, you really are bad at this.
Critic: YOU THINK?!
Don Bluth: I could usually win this in ten minutes.
Critic: That's because you made it. Schmuck.
Don Bluth: Actually, there's this more effort in this layout than you might think.
Don Bluth: (Talking as the footage plays) I'm not a gamer. So when it came a time to do a game, a young man named Rick Dyer (picture of Rick Dyer shows) brought to us and said, "I want you to do a game about a little knight that goes into a castle and saves a princess." The whole idea, the concept is sounded good but I don't how to do a game. So the entire game which is about twenty minute worth of animation is a 'threat' and 'resolve'; 'threat' and 'resolve.' The fun of a game was showing how many funny ways (showing a montage of Dirk's death scenes) a person can die and still resurrect.
Critic: I do have to say, that one of my favorite thing is hearing Dirk's wide variety of cowardly screams.
(Montage of Dirk's Screams)
Don Bluth: They're heard more often when you play it.
Critic: Shut Up!
Critic: Actually, I wouldn't be shock if Bruce Campbell was inspired by some of the Dirk's cries.
(We see a footage of Dirk screaming as a black mass engulfs him and then Bruce Campbell from Evil Dead series screams.)
Critic: God, this game is so hard.
(Dirk shocked on the throne.)
Critic: dammit.
(Dirk floats down the river into the hot mud.)
Critic: Dammit.
(Dirk rolled over by a giant round boulder.)
Critic: DAMMIT!!
Don Bluth: And now, The Nostalgia Critic's Top 11 Death Scenes.
Critic: I'm not giving you the pleasure!
Don Bluth: Number 11.
(Dirk tangled by the green tentacle and dragged out of the room.)
Critic: (groans)
Don Bluth: Number 10.
(Dirk is on the falling platform but then crashes on the floor.)
Critic: (growling) Christ!
Don Bluth: Number 9.
(Dirk got chomped by a green long-jawed monster.)
Critic: I can make it this time!
Don Bluth: Number 8.
(Dirk batted by the swinging ball and smashed into the wall.)
Critic: I almost had that!
Don Bluth: Number 7.
(Enchanted Sword impales Dirk.)
Critic: Dirty little!!!
Don Bluth: Number 6.
(Dirk walks across the bridge but a geyser of lava spouts beneath him.)
Critic: You're not funny, you know!!!
Don Bluth: Number 5.
Critic: I don't even...
(Dirk on a wooden raft crashes into a boulder.)
Critic: Hey!!!
Don Bluth: Number 4.
(Dirk in an electrical shock.)
Critic: My pain will not sustain you!
Don Bluth: Number 3.
(Dirk going spastic as flames consumes him.)
Critic: Why did it happened?!
Don Bluth: Number 2.
(The Black Knight on a horse swings the sword at Dirk's head then we see Dirk's helmet on the pointed edge of the sword.)
(Critic throws a fit)
Don Bluth: And the Number 1 Nostalgia Critic's Death...
Critic: Will not be taking place because I got to the final level.
Don Bluth: Oh, don't worry. I'll save it for a special moment.
Critic: Yeah, well, I'm about to win this sucker... after... Daphne... (he sees scantily claded Princess Daphne) talks... to me.
Princess Daphne: Please save me. The cage is locked with a key. (Critic is getting blushed) The Dragon keeps it around his neck. To slay the dragon, use the magic sword.
(Then the dragon, Singe, breathes fire)
Critic: (Resume his gaming focus) Oh, eyes on the prize. Eyes on the prize!
(Dirk dodges Singe's attack as Daphne squeals in awe)
Critic: (Distracted by Daphne) Oh wow.
(Dragon breathes fire again)
Critic: (shifted into focus) Eyes off the prize. Eyes off the prize!
(Then we see Dirk dodges Singe's tail and threw the magic sword at the dragon's chest.)
Critic: Strangely enough, the final level is surprisingly not that difficult. Maybe they want to show some freakin' mercy.
(Singe finally falls dead.)
Critic: Though, to be fair, that's what Dragon's Lair II is for.
Narrator: Dragon's Lair: Time Warp.
Critic: (The Footage of Dragon's Lair II plays) This was a much better put together gameplay. (The footage of Dragon's Lair plays as Dirk grabs the glowing chains) The flashing light that only appears once in a while is now (back to Dragon's Lair II) through out the entire game. The story is still the same with Dirk saving Daphne from an evil villain. But luckily the villain has brother, who happens to be a time machine.
Critic: (Gave a skeptic look then shrugs it off) Well obviously.
Critic: (Footage plays over) Trust me, what I said, that's the least of the game's weirdness.
(Then we see Dirk telling his kids about their mother. Ten kids!!!)
Critic: It starts out when Dirk tells his incrediblely fruitful seed that their mother has been kidnapped again.
(Then we see Dirk's mother-in-law began to chase Dirk trying to pound him with a rolling pin)
Mother-in-law: My Daphne's kidnapped again?! (Dirk dodges her swing of the rolling pin) Idiot!!!
Critic: And the first level is literally escaping your mother-in-law.
(Dirk gets on his horse as the mother-in-law bursts through the front door of the house in rage)
Mother-in-law: You! Better! Find! My! Daugher! Or! Else!!!!!!!!
Critic: It's pretty hilarious. (Then see the adventure of Dirk throughout the rest of the game) At first, it's just like you're following them through time as you drop through the Prehistoric age, Ancient Egypt and even the Garden of Eden. But then it gets really weird when you travel to a giant Beethoven and the flying piano and even Wonderland. Yeah, like Alice In Wonderland. It makes no freakin' sense but it's looks amazing.
Chesire Cat: 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves; Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe.
Critic: This is some of the most imaginative imagery you'll ever see in a game. Don, what the hell, were you smoking to come up with these weird ass ideas?
Don Bluth: You know, Dragon's lair II is really fun for me because we didn't have to stay in the same time zone and we didn't have to stay in the same location. So it really trigger out the imagination that you can go to anyplace that you can imagine. With animation anything is possible.
Critic: The only downside is, once again, the game developers were afraid that this would be too easy. (We see Dirk collecting golden treasurses like; the bow; the arrow; the key; the egg, card and apple, for example) So they added trinkets and treasure that you are suppose to pick up throughout the gameplay. Not a bad idea until you get to the second to last level and realized that if you missed even one of those trinkets, (the message says: "You Missed some treasures. You must go back to retrieve them before you can continue your quest." appears) you had to play the entire game again, all over. Collecting every single last one.
(Message "You Missed some treasures," appears along with Wah-waa sound)
Critic: Son of a... okay, I've played it through it once, I can play it again.
(We see Dirk attempting to collect every treasure)
Critic: Let's get all those items, here we...
(Wah-waa)
Critic: NOO!!! What the hell I'm missing?
(Second attempt to collect treasure)
Critic: That's got to be i....
(Wah-waa)
Critic: DAMMIT! What else is there? (Wah-) no. (Wah-) No. (Wah-waa) NO!!
(Then another attempt ensues until we got to the Beethoven level when Dirk collects a butterfly.)
Critic: Wait, what did I just do?
(The footage of the butterfly shot is played again and then is slowed down until Critic saw it)
Critic: Hold on. So are you telling me that the butterfly is glowing signaling for to grab it the exact same time that the fire is glowing the exact same color? Wow, it's like, the extended of cruelity of the first game is condense down into a one single solotary 'fuck you' moment. Well guess what, 'fuck you' moment? FUCK YOU!!! Goddamn, Magic eye is easier to see than that!!!
(Then we finally got to the final level as Mordroc places a death ring around Daphne's finger then Daphne is transforming into a large ugly purple beast)
Critic: But whatever, I'm down to a final level, I had to get the evil ring right off Daphne and kill the evil wizard before she eats me; and I've only got one life left to do it with.
(Monster Daphne tried to smoosh Dirk as Dirk pushes the ring off the finger)
Critic: Come on. Come on!
(As the ring is off of Daphne, Dirk flings the ring towards Mordroc's finger and the evil wizard screams in agony)
Critic: YES!!!! There it is, baby! There it is! Well, it took me about eight playthrough of entire but I finally won the damn thing... (But no, there the flashing light) Oh shit, we're still going?!
(Footage of the games ending plays with flashing lights indicating that Critic still has to play)
Critic: Oh my god, you're making me playthrough my happy ending. I don't know if it is 'Awesome' or 'Awful.' It's 'Awesful.'
(After they kiss, Dirk and Daphne jumps on the time machine and flies through the sky in happiness)
Critic: Okay, almost there... Allllmosst Therrree... NO WRONG TURN!
(Then they crashed into the boulder and fallen into million pieces)
Critic: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! I'VE LITERALLY LOST OF MY HAPPY EVER AFTERS!!
Don Bluth: And that is the number one: Nostaliga Critic's Death Scene.
(Handel's Hallelujah plays as it reslishes on critic's misery. Critic couldn't take it anymore, he threw the controller and stomps around and curses.)
Critic: These games are a pain. They're amazing and beautiful to look at but THEY ARE A GODDAMN PAIN!!!!
Critic: (Footage of the Dragon's lair games plays over as Critic gives his thoughts) I'm glad they're so groundbreaking and so innovative but they are so impossible! They're so freakin' frustrating and so incredibly hard. I want to support Dragon's Lair but only to watch it, not to actually play it.
Critic: Is there any way without to do that without go through all this torture?!
Don Bluth: Well you could promote Dragon's Lair by supporting our crowd funding campain.
Critic: Wait, you are making a Dragon's Lair movie?
Don Bluth: Yeah!
Critic: So, let me get this straight, when we get this funded, we get Don Bluth, THE DON BLUTH, one of the animation gods, to return to animation?
Don Bluth: Pretty much.
Critic: I've literally orgasimed a sperm that looks like Littlefoot. (A sperm with the face of a dinosaur floats away) See? There he goes.
Don Bluth: If you're going have to do; you have to do it, the right way.
Critic: Right way? What's the right way?