Narrator: Last time on The Nostalgia Critic, Randy Savage, Segata and Don Bluth... Well you can figure out the rest.
(Opening Title)
(We see Nostalgia Critic, in his "best" moods, holding a PS3 Controller as we hears the game sounds)
Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. (beat) This is my punishment for making fun of Don Bluth. I have to play "Dragon's Lair." (beat) It doesn't sound that bad, but have you actually played Dragon's Lair?! Of course not! Nobody has! You just watched it like everyone else did and just wait for the eccentric millionaire to come; blows all his money and figure out what move what you are suppose to do.
Critic: Okay, here's the thing, the game really is innovative and beautiful. Nothing ever had been done like it before. (beat) BUT IT'S FREAKIN' HARD!!!
Critic: (As he named, the NES cartridge of said games appears) Imagine "Legend of Zelda 2," "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" and "Silver Surfer" blindfolded, 'That' is the only training of hard this game is.
Don Bluth: Did someone regretting not talking about of how awesome I am?
Critic: You do know the last time I did anything game related totally blow up in my face, right? (Referring NC's Let's Play video of Bart's Nightmare for the SNES.)
Don Bluth: Yep.
Critic: (glares) I really hate you, right now.
Don Bluth: Hey, Do I need to do a "Death Glare" again?
Critic: You know what, try me! I bet I got used to it by now.
(Don Bluth gave NC death glare)
Critic: Do-oooohhh! You're like a shaming disapproval of every morbid grandparent.
Don Bluth: Less talking, more reviewing!
Critic: (sighs) So, if you don't know; (a footage of Dragon's Lair plays) Dragon's Lair came out as an arcade game in the 1980s. The story was what every story was for the game in the 80s, Guy saves Chick. But to be fair, this one did had a good sense of humor as both the hero and the damsel seem playfully airheadish. It was the first cinematically animated adventure quest with Bluth as the director of animation. Back then, It was practically impossible to replicated into other platforms. (Namely the NES Version and other consoles that are limited to that technology) But today, it's been adapted to several other consoles and has been beautifully updated. But with that said, It's still freakin' impossible!
Critic: Now granted, you can set on easy with arrows always tell you where to go. But there's a name for that, I believe. It's called...um... cheating. Yeah, the arcade game didn't work that way. So that is not what I'm doing either, I gonna play as the game intended to be, the way that made it popular when it first came out.
Critic: With that in mind, the controls are seemingly simple. Up, down, left, right and push one button to use the sword. Easy enough, right? Well, here's the problem. It is always not clear on what you're suppose to do. (We see Dirk the Daring slashes the Bat Monster) Sometimes it's a no-brainer. You see a monster and you use the sword. (Then we see Dirk enters into the crypt with jumping skulls) But other times you suppose to move out of the way. (Dirk tries to get the sword out while the skulls attacks him kills him) DAAHHH!!!
Critic: How am I suppose to know to use the sword on this monster (bat monster) but run away from that one? (jumping skulls) Okay, so what, I can learn my mistake on my next turn, right?
Critic: Eleven herbs and spices of wrong. You see, because this is a new gameplay, the developers thought it might be too easy. So, they change up the levels so you wouldn't figure out too quickly. Because you had to remember what the right choices was ten stages ago in case when it randomly pops out again. Because every single stages need to be defeated, sometimes twice, in order to get to the final level.
(Dirk swings his sword at the purple tentacles with eyeballs, then he tries it again but the tentacles wrapped around him.)
Critic: Ugh! In that one, I had to use the sword once, very important.
(The enchanted anvil come charging at Dirk as Dirk tries to get the sword out. But the anvil rammed him to the wall)
Critic: Okay, in that one, I don't use the sword at all, I jump back. (poking his noggin) Put it in the vault.
(Dirk is in the wind room but we see a blue glowing diamond at the window sill. Then Dirk tries to get it but then he fell through the window, plummeting to his death.)
Critic: What?! Wait a minute! It was a glowing thing! How am I suppose not go after the glowing thing in the game?! It was a glowing thing! It just like telling a dog not go after a bone! It's freaking nature!
(Dirk is back at the room with the purple tentacles.)
Critic: Oh, we're back here again. Okay, use the sword only once.
(Dirk swings the sword at the tentacle monster then he dodged another set of tentacles and walked up the stairs)
Critic: Ha! You're my bitch, purple peni!
(Then by surprise, the stair disappears and the portal hole opens glows and a chain glows as well. Dirk grabs hold of the chains and the water gate opens and the water washes Dirk down to the abyss.)
Critic: Wha... ha... That was two glowing things!! You just got into my head not to go after one glowing thing and then they gave me fucking two?!! It just like telling me not to go after one cupcake and then gave me two cupcake and then you smack me in the face for not going after the two cupcakes!!! WHAT DO YOU WANT?! In the depths of your ignorance, what do you want?!
(Dirk is in the bedroom as the bricks of walls is closing around the door as the door glows when it opens)
Critic: Glowing thing. (Long beat) (then hesitantly presses the up button) Yes?
(Dirk jumps successfully through the hole as the wall closes behind him)
Critic: (shakes his fist in triumphant) Ha! Ha!
(Then Dirk enter the room with a bottle that has a sign that reads 'Drink me')
Critc: Oh, another glowing thing.
(Dirk drinks the contents of the bottle, but then crumbles into to dust.)
Critic: OOOHHHHH!!!!! It said, "DRINK ME!" The goddamn game gave me an instructions and then lied to me! I WASN'T SUPPOSE TO DRINK IT EVEN THOUGH IT SAID "DRINK ME!" WHO'S RUNNING THIS GODDAMN PLACE? GALDOS?! (A picture of a writing on the wall from Portals but only photoshopped that it read, 'The Drink Is A Lie')
Critic: (The montage of stages like; The Robo Knight; Green Tentacle Room and River Rapids plays out) Sometimes, there are kind and cleverly layouts clues for you. Like whenever a space is available that is what probably where you're suppose to go. Once in a while, a door will opens and closes to indicate that's where you're suppose head towards. Logical deduction can be an obvious route.
(Dirk is in the fire room when lightning strikes the fire starts and Dirk is supposed to dodge the fire.)
Critic: But even the direction can be a little confusing like, lookie here. (a green arrow appears only slanted downleft) Does this count as down or left? In one fraction of a second you had to make the decision. (Critic hesitantly presses a button) Down?
(But Dirk got burned and Critic throws a fit even biting the controller.)
(We see Dirk chased by the Lizard King.)
Critic: Now this one seems pretty easy, giving you plenty of time to figure out which way to go.
(The chase continues as the Lizard King tries to bonk Dirk with his sceptre but Dirk kept dodging as he chases after his sword that is held by a pot of gold.)
Critic: (Chuckles with pride) Child's play.
(Then Dirk caught to the pot of gold, the Lizard King caught up to him and chaos ensues)
Critic: (Panics when he saw the battle)
(Then the Lizard successfully bats Dirk on the head)
Critic: Oh fudge! (Facepalms in frustration)
Don Bluth: (amused) Wow, you really are bad at this.
Critic: YOU THINK?!
Don Bluth: I could usually win this in ten minutes.
Critic: That's because you made it. Schmuck.
Don Bluth: Actually, there's this more effort in this layout than you might think.
Don Bluth: (Talking as the footage plays) I'm not a gamer. So when it came a time to do a game, a young man named Rick Dyer (picture of Rick Dyer shows) brought to us and said, "I want you to do a game about a little knight that goes into a castle and saves a princess." The whole idea, the concept is sounded good but I don't how to do a game. So the entire game which is about twenty minute worth of animation is a 'threat' and 'resolve'; 'threat' and 'resolve.' The fun of a game was showing how many funny ways (showing a montage of Dirk's death scenes) a person can die and still resurrect.
Critic: I do have to say, that one of my favorite thing is hearing Dirk's wide variety of cowardly screams.
(Montage of Dirk's Screams)
Don Bluth: They're heard more often when you play it.
Critic: Shut Up!
Critic: Actually, I wouldn't be shock if Bruce Campbell was inspired by some of the Dirk's cries.
(We see a footage of Dirk screaming as a black mass engulfs him and then Bruce Campbell from Evil Dead series screams.)
Critic: God, this game is so hard.
(Dirk shocked on the throne.)
Critic: dammit.
(Dirk floats down the river into the hot mud.)
Critic: Dammit.
(Dirk rolled over by a giant round boulder.)
Critic: DAMMIT!!
Don Bluth: And now, The Nostalgia Critic's Top 11 Death Scenes.
Critic: I'm not giving you the pleasure!
Don Bluth: Number 11.
(Dirk tangled by the green tentacle and dragged out of the room.)
Critic: (groans)
Don Bluth: Number 10.
(Dirk is on the falling platform but then crashes on the floor.)
Critic: (growling) Christ!
Don Bluth: Number 9.
(Dirk got chomped by a green long-jawed monster.)
Critic: Can make it this time!
Don Bluth: Number 8.
(Dirk batted by the swinging ball and smashed into the wall.)
Critic: I almost had that!
Don Bluth: Number 7.
(Enchanted Sword impales Dirk.)
Critic: Dirty little!!!
Don Bluth: Number 6.
(Dirk walks across the bridge but a geyser of lava spouts beneath him.)
Critic: You're not funny, you know!!!
Don Bluth: Number 5.
Critic: I don't even...
(Dirk on a wooden raft crashes into a boulder.)
Critic: Hey!!!
Don Bluth: Number 4.
(Dirk in an electrical shock.)
Critic: My pain will not sustain you!
Don Bluth: Number 3.
(Dirk going spastic as flames consumes him.)
Critic: Why did it happened?!
Don Bluth: Number 2.
(The Black Knight on a horse swings the sword at Dirk's head then we see Dirk's helmet on the pointed edge of the sword.)
(Critic throws a fit)
Don Bluth: And the Number 1 Nostalgia Critic's Death...
Critic: Will not be taking place because I got to the final level.
Don Bluth: Oh, don't worry. I'll save it for a special moment.
Critic: Yeah, well, I'm about to win this sucker... after... Daphne... (he sees scantily clad Princess Daphne) talks... to me.
Princess Daphne: Please save me. The cage is locked with a key. (Critic is getting blushed) The Dragon keeps it around his neck. To slay the dragon, use the magic sword.
(Then the dragon, Singe, breathes fire)
Critic: (Resume his gaming focus) Oh, eyes on the prize. Eyes on the prize!
(Dirk dodges Singe's attack as Daphne squeals in awe)
Critic: (Distracted by Daphne) Oh wow.
(Dragon breathes fire again)
Critic: (shifted into focus) Eyes off the prize. Eyes off the prize!
(Then we see Dirk dodges Singe's tail and threw the magic sword at the dragon's chest.)
Critic: Strangely enough, the final level is surprisingly not that difficult. Maybe they want to show some freakin' mercy.
(Singe finally falls dead.)
Critic: Though, to be fair, that's what Dragon's Lair II is.
Narrator: Dragon's Lair: Time Warp.