November 24, 2015
(We see Nostalgia Critic, in his foul mood, holding a PS3 Controller as we hear the game sounds.)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. (beat) This is my punishment for making fun of Don Bluth. I have to play "Dragon's Lair." (beat) It doesn't sound that bad, but have you actually played Dragon's Lair?! Of course not! Nobody has! You just watched it like everyone else did and waited for that eccentric millionaire to come in, blow all his money and figure out what moves you're supposed to do.
(An image of a millionaire standing next to an arcade machine is shown.)
NC: Okay, here's the thing, the game really is innovative and beautiful. Nothing had ever been done like it before. (beat) BUT IT'S FREAKIN' HARD!!
NC (vo): (the NES cartridges of said games appear) Imagine "Legend of Zelda 2", "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" and "Silver Surfer" blindfolded.
NC: That...is only the training to how hard this game is!
(Don Bluth is shown.)
Don Bluth: Is someone regretting not talking about how awesome I am?
NC: You do know the last time I did anything game related, it totally blew up in my face, right?
Don Bluth: Yep.
(NC frowns at him for a second thus preparing to play the game while muttering under his breath.)
NC: I really hate you right now.
Don Bluth: Hey, do I need to do a "Death Glare" again?
NC: You know what, try me! I bet I've gotten used to it by now.
(Don Bluth sharpens his gaze at the Critic, scaring him once again.)
NC: Do-oooohhh! You're like that shaming disapproval of every morbid grandparent!
Don Bluth: Less talking, more reviewing.
NC: (sighs) So, if you don't know...
(Footage of Dragon's Lair plays.)
NC (vo): Dragon's Lair came out as an arcade game in the 1980s. The story was what every story was for a game in the 80s, guy saves chick. But to be fair, this one did had a good sense of humor as both the hero and the damsel seem playfully airheadish. It was the first cinematically animated adventure quest with Bluth as the director of animation. Back then, it was practically impossible to replicate it on other platforms. (Namely the NES Version and other consoles that are limited to that technology.) But today, it's been adapted to several consoles and has been beautifully updated.
NC: But with that said, it's still freakin' impossible!
NC (vo): Now granted, you can set it to easy with the arrows always telling you where to go. But there's a name for that, I believe.
NC: It's called...um... cheating.
NC (vo): Yeah, the arcade game didn't work that way. So that's not what I'm doing, either. I'm gonna play it as the game intended, the way that made it popular when it first came out. With that in mind, the controls are seemingly simple. Up, down, left, right, and push one button to use the sword. Easy enough, right? Well, here's the problem. It's not always clear what you're supposed to do. (We see Dirk the Daring slashing the Bat Monster.) Sometimes, it's a no-brainer. You see a monster and you use the sword. (Then we see Dirk enter into the crypt with jumping skulls.) But other times, you're supposed to move out of the way. (Dirk tries to get the sword out while the skulls attack him and kill him.) DAAHHH!!!
NC: How am I supposed to know to use the sword on this monster (bat monster) but run away from that one? (jumping skulls) But, so what, I can just learn from my mistake on the next turn, right?
NC (vo): Eleven herbs and spices of wrong. You see, because this was a new kind of gameplay, the developers thought it might be too easy. So they change up the levels so you wouldn't figure it out too quickly. Because of this, you have to remember what the right choice was ten stages ago when it randomly pops up again, because every single stage needs to be defeated, sometimes twice, in order to get to the final level.
(Dirk swings his sword at the purple tentacles with eyeballs, then he tries it again but the tentacles wrap around him and kill him.)
NC: Ugh! Okay, in that one, I used the sword only once, very important.
(The enchanted anvil comes charging at Dirk as Dirk tries to get the sword out. But the anvil rams him into the wall, killing him.)
NC: Okay, in that one, I don't use the sword at all, I jump back. (poking his noggin) Putting it in the vault.
(Dirk is in the wind room, but we see a blue glowing diamond at the window sill. Then Dirk tries to get it, but a chest knocks him through the window, and he plummets to his doom.)
NC: What?! Wait a minute! It was a glowy thing! How am I supposed to not go after a glowy thing in a game?! It's a glowy thing! It's like telling a dog not to go after a bone! It's freaking nature!
(Dirk is back at the room with the purple tentacles.)
NC (vo): Oh, we're back here again. Okay, use the sword only once.
(Dirk swings the sword at the tentacle monster, then he dodges another set of tentacles and walks up the stairs.)
NC (vo): Ha! You're my bitch, purple peni!
(Then by surprise, the stair disappears and the portal hole opens glows and a chain glows as well. Dirk grabs hold of the chains and the water gate opens and the water washes Dirk down to the abyss, drowning and killing him.)
NC: Wha... ha... That was two glowy things! You just got in my head not to even go after one glowy thing, and then you give me fucking two?!! That's like telling me not to go after a cupcake, and then you give me two cupcakes, and then you smack me in the face for not going after the two cupcakes! WHAT DO YOU WANT?! In the depths of your ignorance, what do you want?!
(Dirk is in the bedroom as the bricks of walls are closing around the door as the door glows when it opens.)
NC: Glowy thing. (long beat, then he hesitantly presses the up button) Yes?
(Dirk jumps successfully through the hole as the wall closes behind him.)
NC: (shakes his fist in triumph) Ha-ha!
(Then Dirk enters the room with a bottle that has a sign that reads "Drink me".)
NC (vo): Oh, another glowy thing. (Dirk drinks the contents of the bottle, but then dies again by crumbling into dust.) OOOHHHHH!!!!!
NC: It said, "DRINK ME!" The goddamn game gave me an instruction, and it lied to me! I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO DRINK IT EVEN THOUGH IT SAID DRINK IT! WHO'S RUNNING THIS GODDAMN PLACE? GLaDOS?! (A photo-shopped picture of a writing on the wall from Portal is shown, reading "The Drink is a Lie.")
(The montage of stages like the Electric Knight, Green Tentacle Room and River Rapids plays out.)
NC (vo): Sometimes, they're kind and cleverly layout clues for you. Like, whenever a space is available, that's probably where you're supposed to go. Once in a while, even a door will open and close to indicate that's where you're supposed to head towards. Logical deduction can be the obvious route.
(Dirk is in the fire room. When lightning strikes, the fire starts and Dirk is supposed to dodge the fire.)
NC (vo): But even the directions can be a little confusing, like, lookie here. (a green arrow appears only slanted down-left) Does this count as down or left? In the one fraction of a second, you have to have to make a decision.
NC: (hesitantly presses a button) Down?
(But Dirk gets burned to death. NC throws a fit, even biting the controller. We see Dirk chased by the Lizard King.)
NC (vo): Now this one seems pretty easy, giving you plenty of time to figure out which way to go.
(The chase continues as the Lizard King tries to bonk Dirk with his scepter but Dirk keeps dodging as he chases after his sword that is held by a pot of gold.)
NC: (chuckles with pride) Child's play.
(As Dirk gets to the pot of gold, the Lizard King catches up to him and chaos ensues. NC exclaims in a panic as he tries to win the battle...)
NC: (panicking) Oh, God! Oh, shit! Oh, man! Oh, Christ! Oh, cock! Oh, dick! Oh, whatever swear word I left out!!
(...but eventually, the Lizard King successfully conks Dirk on the head with his scepter and drags him away.)
NC: Oh, fudge! (facepalms in frustration)
Don Bluth: (amused) Whoa, you're really bad at this.
NC: YOU THINK?!
Don Bluth: I could usually win this in ten minutes.
NC: That's because you made it! Schmuck.
Don Bluth: Actually, there is more effort in this layout than you may think.
Don Bluth: (talking as the footage plays) I'm not a gamer. And so, when it came time to doing the game, a young man named Rick Dyer (a picture of Rick Dyer is shown) brought it to us and said, "I want you to do a game about a little knight that goes into a castle and saves a princess." The whole idea, the concept sounded good, but I didn't know how to do a game. So the entire game, which is about twenty minutes worth of animation, is a "threat" and "resolve"; a "threat" and "resolve". The fun of the game was showing how many funny ways (showing a montage of Dirk's death scenes) a person can die and still resurrect.
NC: I do have to say, one of my favorite things is hearing Dirk's wide variety of cowardly screams.
(Montage of Dirk's screams is shown.)
Don Bluth: They're heard more often when you play.
NC: Shut up!
NC (vo): Actually, I wouldn't be shocked if Bruce Campbell was inspired by some of Dirk's cries.
(We see a footage of Dirk screaming as a black mass engulfs him and then Bruce Campbell from Evil Dead series is shown screaming.)
NC (vo): God, this game is so hard!
(Dirk is fatally shocked on the throne.)
NC (vo): Damn it.
(Dirk floats down the river into the hot mud to his doom.)
NC (vo): Damn it!
(Dirk is run over by a giant round ball.)
NC (vo): DAMN IT!!
Don Bluth: And now, the Nostalgia Critic's Top 11 Death Scenes.
NC: I'm not giving you the pleasure!
Don Bluth: Number 11.
(Dirk is tangled by the green tentacle and dragged out of the room to his death.)
Don Bluth: Number 10.
(Dirk is on the falling platform but then fatally crashes on the floor.)
NC: (growling) Christ!
Don Bluth: Number 9.
(Dirk gets eaten by a green long-jawed monster.)
NC: Gonna make it this time!
Don Bluth: Number 8.
(Dirk is batted by the swinging ball and smashed into the wall, dead.)
NC: I almost had that!
Don Bluth: Number 7.
(An enchanted sword impales Dirk, killing him.)
NC: You dirty little...!
Don Bluth: Number 6.
(Dirk walks across the bridge but a geyser of lava spouts beneath him, killing him.)
NC: You're not funny, you know!
Don Bluth: Number 5.
NC: (Lets go of the controller) I don't even...
(Dirk, riding on a barrel on an underground river, fatally crashes into a boulder.)
Don Bluth: Number 4.
(Dirk dies in an electrical shock, again.)
NC: My pain will not sustain you!
Don Bluth: Number 3.
(Dirk goes spastic as flames consume him to death.)
NC: What even happened?!
Don Bluth: Number 2.
(The Black Knight on a horse swings the sword at Dirk's head, then we see Dirk's helmet on the pointed edge of the sword, heavily implying that the Black Knight cut Dirk's head off. NC throws a fit.)
Don Bluth: And the Number 1 Nostalgia Critic Death...
NC: Will NOT be taking place, because I've just got to the final level!
Don Bluth: Oh, don't worry. I'll save it for a special moment.
NC: Yeah, well, I'm about to win this sucker... after... Daphne... (he sees scantily clad Princess Daphne) talks... to me.
Princess Daphne: Please save me. The cage is locked with a key. (NC is getting blushed) The Dragon keeps it around his neck. To slay the dragon, use the magic sword.
(Then the dragon, Singe, breathes fire.)
NC: (resumes his gaming focus) Oh, eyes on the prize. Eyes on the prize!
(Dirk dodges Singe's attack as Daphne squeals in awe.)
NC: (distracted by Daphne) Oh, wow.
(Singe breathes fire again.)
NC: (shifted into focus) Eyes off the prize! Eyes off the prize!
(Then we see Dirk dodges Singe's tail and throws the magic sword at the dragon's chest.)
NC (vo): Strangely enough, the final level is surprisingly not that difficult. Maybe they finally wanted to show some freakin' mercy.
(Singe finally falls dead.)
NC: Though, to be fair, that's more what Dragon's Lair II is for.
Narrator: Dragon's Lair: Time Warp.
(The Footage of Dragon's Lair II plays.)
NC (vo): This was a much better put together gameplay. (The footage of Dragon's Lair plays as Dirk grabs the glowing chains.) That flashing light that only gave direction once in a while is now (back to Dragon's Lair II) throughout the entire game. The story is still the same, with Dirk saving Daphne from an evil villain. But luckily, the villain has a brother, who happens to be a time machine.
NC: (gives a skeptic look, then shrugs it off) Well, obviously.
NC (vo): Trust me when I say that's the least of this game's weirdness.
(Then we see Dirk telling his kids about their mother. Ten kids!!! Six sons and four daughters.)
NC (vo): It starts off when you see Dirk telling his incredibly fruitful seed that their mother has been kidnapped again.
(Then we see Dirk's mother-in-law began to chase Dirk trying to pound him with a rolling pin.)
Mother-in-law: My Daphne's kidnapped again?! (Dirk dodges her swing of the rolling pin.) Idiot!!!
NC (vo): And the first level is literally escaping your mother-in-law.
(Dirk gets on his horse as the mother-in-law bursts through the front door of the house in rage.)
Mother-in-law: You! Better! Find! My! Daughter! Or! Else!!
NC (vo): It's pretty hilarious. (we then see the adventure of Dirk throughout the rest of the game) At first, it looks like you're just following them through time as you drop by the Prehistoric age, Ancient Egypt and even the Garden of Eden. But then it gets really weird by traveling to a giant Beethoven in a flying piano, and even Wonderland. Yeah, like Alice in Wonderland. It makes no freakin' sense, but it looks amazing.
Cheshire Cat: 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves; Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe.
NC (vo): This is some of the most imaginative imagery you will ever see in a game.
NC: Don, what the hell were you smoking to come up with these weird-ass ideas?
Don Bluth: You know, Dragon's Lair II was really fun for me because we didn't have to stay in the same time zone and we didn't have to stay in the same location. So, you know, it just triggers the imagination that you can go into any place that you can imagine. With animation, anything is possible.
NC (vo): The only downside is, once again, the game developers were afraid this would be too easy. (we see Dirk collecting golden treasures like; the bow; the arrow; the key; the egg, card and apple, for example) So they added little trinkets and treasures you're supposed to pick up throughout the gameplay. Not a bad idea, until you get to the second-to-last level and realize that if you missed even one of those trinkets, (the message: "You missed some treasures. You must go back to retrieve them before you can continue your quest." appears) you had to play the entire game again, all over, collecting every single last one.
(The message "You missed some treasures," appears along with the "wah-waa" sound.)
NC: Son of a... okay, I've played through it once, I can play through it again!
(We see Dirk attempting to collect every treasure.)
NC (vo): Let's get all those items. Here we...
NC: NO!!! What the hell am I missing?!
(Second attempt to collect treasure.)
NC (vo): That's got to be a....
NC: DAMN IT! What else is there? (Wah-) No. (Wah-) No! (Wah-waa) NO!!
(Then another attempt ensues until we get to the Beethoven level when Dirk collects a butterfly.)
NC: Wait, what did I just do?
(The footage of the butterfly shot is played again and then is slowed down until NC sees it.)
NC (vo): Hold on. Are you telling me that the butterfly is glowing, signaling me to grab it, the exact same time the fire is glowing the exact same color?
NC: Wow. It's like the extended of cruelty of the first game is condensed down into a one single solitary 'fuck you' moment. Well, guess what, 'fuck you' moment? FUCK YOU!
NC (vo): Goddamn Magic Eyes are easier to see than that!
(Then we finally get to the final level as Mordroc places a death ring around Daphne's finger then Daphne transforms into a large ugly purple beast.)
NC (vo): But, whatever, I'm down to the final level. I have to get the evil ring off Daphne and kill the wizard before she eats me.
NC: And I've only got one life left to do it with.
(Monster Daphne tries to smash Dirk as Dirk pushes the ring off the finger.)
NC (vo): Come on. Come on!
(As the ring is off of Daphne, Dirk flings the ring towards Mordroc's finger and the evil wizard screams in agony.)
NC (vo): YES! There it is, baby! There it is!
NC: Well, it only took me eight playthroughs of the entire game, but I finally won the damn thing... (but no, there's the flashing light) Oh, shit, we're still going?!
(Footage of the game's ending plays with flashing lights indicating that Critic still has to play.)
NC (vo): Oh, my God, you're making me play through my happy ending.
NC: I don't know if that's awesome or awful. (beat) It's "Awesful".
(After they kiss, Dirk and Daphne jump on the time machine and fly through the sky in happiness.)
NC (vo): Okay. (speaks somewhat in the same tone as Red Leader in Star Wars) Almost there... allllmosst therrree... NO, WRONG TURN!
(Because of the wrong turn, Dirk and Daphne crash into the boulder and fall into a million pieces, thus killing them both and losing the game.)
NC: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! I LITERALLY LOST ON MY "HAPPILY EVER AFTER"!!
Don Bluth: (smiles) And that is the #1 Nostalgia Critic Death Scene.
(Handel's Hallelujah plays as it relishes on NC's misery. NC finally can't take it anymore, and throws the controller and stomps around the room while cursing in gibberish.)
NC: THESE GAMES ARE A PAIN! They're beautiful and amazing to look at, BUT THEY'RE A GODDAMN PAIN!
(Footage of the Dragon's Lair games plays over as NC gives his thoughts.)
NC (vo): I'm glad they're so groundbreaking and innovative, but they are impossible! They are so freakin' frustrating and so incredibly hard! I want to support Dragon's Lair, but only to watch it, not to actually play it!
NC: Isn't there any way to do that without going through all this torture?!
Don Bluth: Well, you could promote Dragon's Lair by supporting our crowd funding campaign.
NC: Wait, you mean you are making a Dragon's Lair movie?
Don Bluth: Yeah!
NC: So, let me get this straight, if we get this funded, we would've gotten Don Bluth, THE Don Bluth, one of the animation gods, to return to animation?
Don Bluth: Pretty much.
NC: (his face falls into a swoon) I've literally just orgasmed a sperm that looks like Littlefoot. (A sperm with the face of Littlefoot from The Land Before Time floats away giggling.) See? There he goes.
Don Bluth: If you're gonna do it, you have to do it the right way.
NC: Right way? What's the right way?
(The advertisement starts with two kids, played by Tamara Chambers and Malcolm Ray, walking into the black room with light shined on an arcade cabinet of Dragon's Lair.)
Narrator: The most advanced video game you can play is awaiting your discovery.
(The two kids are excited to play the game... Until...)
Slim Jim's Randy Savage (played by Doug Walker): Hey!!!! Wanna see this on the big SCREEN?!
Kid 1 (Malcolm): Uh-huh...
Randy Savage: Well... (he socks the kid) MAKE DRAGON'S LAIR A MOVIET!!!
Kid 2 (Tamara): Dragon's Lair?! You mean that awesome arcade game we were just playing?
Randy Savage: No talking while I'm talking!! (He picks out a Slim Jim and snaps it in half, which causes Kid 2's head to explode into oblivion.) YEAH!!! Ready for some excitement? THEN MAKE DRAGON'S LAIR A MOVIE!!
(Another explosion from the arcade cabinet is shown as Kid 1 turns around and sees...)
Kid 1: Segata Sanshiro...
Segata Sanshiro (Jim Jarosz): (speaking in mock Japanese) You Must Make Dragon's Lair a Movie!
(Kid 1 screams as Segata beats up the kid until one uphook decapitates Kid 1.)
Randy Savage: WAIT!!! There's only room for one screaming psychopath around HERE!!!
(Both Randy and Segata shout, causing another explosion that wipes the African continent off the planet.)
Randy Savage: Whoo. We just blew up Africa!
Segata Sanshiro: (mock Japanese although this is one tone word) This Has Nothing To Do With What We're Advertising!!!
Randy Savage: Go make Dragon's Lair a movie, or Don Bluth will give you the "Death Stare"!
(Weird edits of Randy and Segata yelling at the top of their lungs are shown until we see Randy Savage and Segata stand back to back with burning fire in the background and the Picture of Don Bluth giving the "Death Stare".)
Subtitles: MAKE DRAGON'S LAIR A MOVIE! Or Randy Savage and Segata will Kill and Confuse you!
(The advertisement ends, and we go back to Don Bluth and NC.)
Don Bluth: Huh?
(NC only stares with his jaws dropped and blinking his eyes once.)
(The credits roll with the message "Support Dragon's Lair: The Movie December 1st on Indiegogo with new rewards!")