April 19, 2011
NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. We’ve seen some really weird team-ups on this show, haven’t we? We’ve seen...
(Posters from the movies NC is about to mention appear)
NC: But by far, the absolute worst team-up ever…is...
(The poster for Theodore Rex is shown again)
NC (voiceover): Whoopi Goldberg and the dinosaur.
NC: But Jean-Claude van Damme and Dennis Rodman come in a close second! This is “Double Team.”
(The title screen for “Double Team” is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the movie while the song Just a Freak by Crystal Waters plays)
NC (voiceover): I mean, talk about a bizarre combo. Was there really a group of people out there who wanted to see these two together? Who was sitting around in their living room saying…
NC: “Gosh, you know what’d be great? World peace, no pollution, and that Skittle-headed basketball player teamed up with the muscles from Brussels.” Who the hell chose that?!
Peter Venkman (from “Ghostbusters”): (to Winston) Did you?
Winston Zeddemore (from “Ghostbusters”): My mind is totally blank.
Peter Venkman (from “Ghostbusters”): I didn’t choose anything.
NC: Well, whoever chose it, we got it. So, let’s take a look at the team-up that…nobody demanded. This is “Double Team.”
(The movie begins)
NC (voiceover): So we start off with a quiet opening.
(A yellow truck breaks through a wall to the outside)
NC: For a monster truck rally!
(The truck drives over some cars in a lot)
NC (voiceover): We see van Damme playing a secret agent driving a truck full of plutonium out of the hands of the Iraqi terrorists. Huh. So that’s where the weapons of mass destruction went.
(Douchey McNitpick appears below NC camera right)
Douchey McNitpick: That is so 2003. (NC smashes DM with his fist) OW!
NC (voiceover): We got explosions, gunfire, things getting crushed; I have to admit it’s actually a pretty cool action scene. The only thing missing is, well, giving a crap. Van Damme hasn’t said a line yet, so I don’t really think there’s any reason to care about it. Once he does say a line, then I’ll know there’s no reason to care about it.
(Jack Paul Quinn (van Damme) drives his truck through one of the boxcars of a passing train and lands on the other side)
NC (voiceover): So... (sighs) I can’t wait to see what significance this has on the plot—(film fade to black before fading back in on a coastline with the caption “The South of France: 3 years later”) Or it was 100% pointless. Three years later, that scene never gets mentioned again, so as usual, we’re not supposed to give a “van Damme” about it.
(Kathryn (Jack’s wife) relaxes by a swimming pool and sits up to hear a phone ringing inside the house; Jack appears presumably from out of the shower to answer the phone)
Kathryn: Jack! Could you get that?
NC (voiceover): (as Jack) Aww, nobody give me a wake-a-caw (“wake up call”).
(Cut to Jack and Kathryn playing around in the pool water)
NC (voiceover): So it turns out van Damme got married after that mission and is living happily ever after with his pregnant wife. But then, an old agent friend comes by and makes him an offer.
Agent: Stavros is back, and we want him alive.
NC (voiceover): (sounds bored) And yes, this scene has been done so many times in other action movies, you can practically recite it word for word.
NC and the Audience (with NC’s subtitles): (sounds bored, speaking first for Jack) So you know I’m retired. (as the agent) Come on, you’re a hunter, Jack, admit it. You miss the game. (as Jack) For me, it’s personal. (as the agent) You’re the only guy who knows how he works, how he moves. This is your last shot.
NC (voiceover): You know, I could forgive this movie if it came out in the ‘80s when everybody was doing this cliché, but this is 1997! Even Arnold was like…
(An image of Arnold Schwarzenegger is shown with his eyes rolled up)
NC (voiceover): (as Arnold) Dude, that shit is old.
NC (voiceover): (normal) In fact, it’s so tired we don’t even get a scene where he thinks it over or talks to his wife. The next cut is literally him just on the mission. I mean, I guess, really, do you need a scene where he talks it over? You know he’s just gonna say “yes.” It’s like asking a comedian if he can do a Charlie Sheen joke. You had me at “Hello”!
(Cut to the agent who spoke with Jack earlier getting in his car and a gun is pointed at his head as soon as he sits down)
Stavros: Move the seat up. It’s a little tight in the rear.
NC (voiceover): But it turns out our bad guy—played by Mickey Rourke, after “9 ½ Weeks” but before “Sin City,” so…tough times—is holding a gun to the agent friend after he got van Damme on the assignment.
(The agent stops his car before Stavros gets out)
Stavros: Oh, by the way, I left you a present.
(A timed bomb is attached to the seat behind the agent; the agent struggles to escape but ends up bumping his elbow on the door latch, locking himself inside the car)
NC (voiceover): Wh—Did he just lock himself inside the car? What kind of dumbass agent is this?
(The car explodes with Stavros walking away nonchalantly)
NC (voiceover): Oh, yeah, he’s not looking back at the explosion, because he just assumes the guy got out of the car! What’s to look back at? It’s not like he’d be stupid enough to NOT know how to open a door! No wonder they need van Damme bad. Half of these agents can’t even get past childproof safety devices! Cut to Antwerp where van Damme enters into a cross-dressing bar. (speaks a bit unnervingly) Why is it I get the feeling this is where we’re gonna see Rodman? (An image of an African American man wearing a white wedding dress is shown briefly; Yaz (Rodman) is shown for the first time) What a shock.
Jack: Who does your hair? Siegfried or Roy? (A rim shot is heard)
Yaz: Well, it’s been fun.
NC (voiceover): It turns out that Rodman is the weapons man that van Damme is supposed to meet up with. Well, at least he doesn’t dress, act, look or hang out in any place that would be the LEAST bit suspicious!
Jack: (compliments on a cross-dresser wearing an unusual red and black costume) Who’s that? Rudolph?
Yaz: I may not have reindeer, but I do have the best elves in the business.
NC (voiceover): You know, I have to admit this is even weird by Rodman standards. I mean, this is the first movie he’s ever done. Did he really just look at the script and say…
NC: (as Rodman, looking at a script) Ball gags on the wall, scuba diving in leather, Jean-Claude van Damme? (Pauses before placing a hand on his heart) I feel this.
(Cut to Jack shooting at a dummy in a shooting gallery with a machine gun as Yaz watches)
Jack: (finishes shooting) Offense gets the glory.
Yaz: But defense wins the game.
NC (voiceover): What a terrible basketball pun! But don’t worry, folks.
NC: (holds up a full garbage bag labeled “Basketball Puns”) There’s a lot more where that came from! (He drops it)
(Cut to Jack entering a secret meeting)
Officer: (to his men) Gentlemen, this is Delta One. Forget you’ve ever seen him.
NC (voiceover): Well, it is Jean-Claude van Damme. Forgetting him is pretty easy.
Officer: He has information that Stavros will be surfacing tomorrow afternoon, somewhere around here.
NC (voiceover): So they look at their board game to figure out how to take out Rourke and they get ready to make the hit.
(Cut to an amusement park with Jack secretly ready to fire)
NC (voiceover): But van Damme sees Rourke with his son and finds that he just can’t pull the trigger with him watching, which gives Rourke plenty of time to fire back.
(Stavros stands up to fire at another gunman, who gets hit and collapses next to Jack)
NC (voiceover): So van Damme’s men and Rourke start firing at each other.
(During the shootout, Stavros fires at other people as the footage becomes more frozen and stilted while it continues playing)
NC (voiceover): And no, your computer is not having trouble loading; that’s actually how they shot it. I guess the dirty DVD style of editing was very popular back then. (The shootout continues) So it turns out Rourke’s kid gets shot, and naturally, this really pisses him off.
(Cut to Stavros firing at Jack on a Chance Falling Star ride)
NC (voiceover): (chuckles) Really? He’s firing while on one of the rides?
NC (voiceover): (dubs over Stavros) You son of a—WHEEEE!!! You shot my son—WHEEE!! I will have my revenge—WOOHOO!
NC (voiceover): (Normal) He (Stavros) goes inside a hospital and shoots at the staff so he can probably monologue in peace.
Stavros: His favorite thing in the world used to be when he’d go riding on his pony on the weekends. (He whispers) Now the horse is gonna miss my boy.
NC (voiceover): (as Jack) Can you speak a little louder? I can’t hear your pretentiousness when you whisper.
Stavros: My little boy was six years old, mister.
(Jack breaks through a glass window before an office chair slides through the room Stavros is in; Stavros quickly gets down to fire at the chair)
NC: (raises his arms high) CHAIR!!
NC (voiceover): But Rourke puts a grenade in a baby’s bed, giving new meaning to the term “baby boomer.”
(Jack takes the grenade out of the baby’s bed and throws it into an elevator, where an unconscious staff member lies face first in)
NC (voiceover): (as Jack) Oh, geez, I’m sorry if you weren’t dead!
(The grenade explodes as Jack escapes from it with the baby and collapses on the floor)
NC (voiceover): Poor baby. He’s gonna go through life with an incredible fear of fire and Belgians.
(Cut to a plane flying in the sky before we see Jack lying in a bed and bandaged up)
NC (voiceover): So van Damme wakes up on an island of all places where a voice tells him what’s going on.
Voice: (coming from an intercom as we see a computer profile on Jack on a TV screen) Quinn, Jack Paul. Born 1959. Agent Quinn achieved clean opportunity to acquire offer. But Target Alpha escaped. You went soft. Soft agents are on liability, but because of your skills, you have been assigned to The Colony.
NC (voiceover): (as the Voice) Did I forget to mention you’re a horrible actor?
Voice: You’re dead already. At least that’s what your wife and the rest of the world have been told.
(Jack throws the TV across the room, destroying it and ducking for cover)
NC (voiceover): Wow, he ducked from himself throwing a TV away from himself? No wonder he’s a liability!
(Cut to a man introducing himself to Jack)
Alex Goldsmythe (Paul Freeman): Alex Goldsmythe.
Jack: The tax man. You were killed. S-six years ago.
Alex: God! It’s been six years already?
NC (voiceover): So this is Goldsmythe, played by Peter Freeman.*
(Note: NC makes the mistake of referring to Paul Freeman as “Peter” here)
Indiana Jones (from “Raiders of the Lost Ark”): Belloq!
NC (voiceover): It turns out this is a secret place where both agents and terrorists work together to solve global problems and everyone in the world thinks they’re dead.
Alex: We’re too valuable to kill, too dangerous to set free. Welcome to The Colony.
NC: OK…where do I begin to talk about this mountain of not making sense?
NC (voiceover): First of all, why are agents and terrorists working together? Did they just totally forget about the fact that they had different goals? Second, most of these people were out-of-control killers. Van Damme DIDN’T shoot a guy, the exact opposite of why everyone else is there! And wasn’t he retired, anyway? So how does that make him a danger? Third, they keep them doing their jobs that they were already doing before, so…why don’t they just keep them doing the jobs they were already doing before? The only difference is now they’re doing their spy work inside. Well…why didn’t you just downgrade them to begin with? Just give them a desk job! That’s easy enough! Why do you have to create an island with lasers in the water? Why do you have to tell everybody they’re dead? Why the hell would anybody follow this crazy plan?! Is this guy (Alex) just really good at convincing people?!
Indiana Jones (from “Raiders of the Lost Ark”): Too bad the Hovitos don’t know you the way I do, Belloq.
NC: Indeed, Indiana! Indeed!
NC (voiceover): So van Damme just sort of goes along with it—never saying “You bastards!” “Give me back my wife!” or anything—he just sort of goes with the flow, along with all the terrorists, too. Dying for your god? Fuck that shit! They got a pool! But suddenly, van Damme sees a mark that indicates his wife may be in danger. Of course, he could let this incredible unstoppable team of power take care of the situation, but nope! He decides not to tell anyone at all and spends most of his time planning his escape, rescuing her for himself, which of course would take days and days to set into motion, but hey, at least he’s not letting the other guys get it done faster!
(NC shrugs with a confused look)
NC (voiceover): We, of course, get those scenes that we get in every van Damme movie where he starts bending like Stretch Armstrong. And, of course, he plans his way out. By the way, have you noticed something missing from this movie? DENNIS FREAKING RODMAN! Even the poster shows him in the foreground like he’s the main star, and yet we’re 43 minutes in (Accompanying text “43 Minutes” is shown onscreen), and maybe five of those minutes have Rodman in it. What, did he have a game to play? Maybe he got drunk again on “Celebrity Apprentice,” I don’t know! But it turns out those lasers in the water do go off at one point, and that’s when the plane flies by to drop off supplies, which makes you wonder why they didn’t just land and hand the supplies to begin with, but who am I to say how to run a crazy island?
(After Jack lands in the water with the lasers in the water turned off to go for the cargo, some members of the island crew follow him on their boats with one of them wearing scuba gear and swimming up to Jack carrying a plastic bag in his hands)
NC (voiceover): I guess someone happened to be scuba diving at the same time, and he tries to stop him.
(The scuba diver wraps the plastic bag over Jack’s head, and Jack struggles to break free from suffocating)
NC (voiceover): Uh, newsflash, dimwit: A plastic bag isn’t gonna do much underwater. HE ALREADY CAN’T BREATHE! But van Damme escapes and catches a ride on the plane that takes back the other cargo. He kicks their asses and gets them to fly him back to Antwerp, where FINALLY we get to see Slushie-head again. Just a mere 47 minutes in! Yeah, I’d like to be left with a Belgian waffle house never understanding what the hell he says.
Yaz: You break yours?
Jack: I’ll pay you later.
Yaz: I just declared an assembly cool-off here. Dead man don’t give crap. (He presses a button to turn off the lights and leaves the scene)
Jack: I’ll give you three CIA bahnk accauhnt (“bank account”) numbers.
NC (voiceover): Well, that’s nice, but we don’t have much use for a “bahnk accauhnt” number.
Yaz: When I look at you, I see nothing but trouble. I kind of like trouble.
NC (voiceover): So they jump out of a plane and get ready to land. Where are their parachutes, you might be wondering? Oh, they have something even better than that! They land in a giant basketball! I am dead serious, a giant basketball.
Yaz: Now that’s what I call “Hang tight!”
NC (voiceover): And not only that, it doesn’t bounce, and it seems incredibly easy to break apart. So, yeah, their bones would pretty much be liquid Jello by this point, but in the movie world, it’s a delightful little send up!
NC: (pretends to shoot a basketball) Two-pointer!
NC (voiceover): He (Jack) goes to his house where he thinks his newborn child is, but the bad guys have replaced the baby with a bomb! (Pauses) A “bomb-y!”
(The baby bomb explodes, sending a fireball out and supposedly consuming Jack, but he jumps out of the house unharmed)
NC (voiceover): Oh, yeah, I love how the flame totally engulfs him several feet away from the window, and yet somehow he jumps out untouched? He must have bought a lot of sunscreen with the massive amount of money he has in his “bahnk accahnt.” So he fights off the bad guys and makes it to a safe place with Rodman, who finds a letter and steals it away from van Damme.
Yaz: (examines the envelope the letter is in) Well, it’s not a bomb. Maybe it’s the access codes. I would love to get paid.
Jack: Those behnk accahnts (“bank accounts”) are frauds.
NC (voiceover): Grandma Moses, IT’S “BANK ACCOUNT”! PRONOUNCE YOUR “O”s!
Yaz: (snatches a photo Jack is looking at) What the hell is this?
Jack: A sonogram of my son.
NC (voiceover): We find that Rourke befriends van Damme’s wife without ANYBODY RECOGNIZING WHO HE IS and he helps her during her pregnancy.
Jack: Stavros has my boy. You go back to Antwerp, I’ll get your money. I pay my debts.
NC: (misinterprets) You pay your tits?
Jack: I pay my debts.
NC: Next you'd be telling me, (speaks like Sylvester Stallone) “I am the law!”
Rico Dredd (from “Judge Dredd”): LAW!
Yaz: Why didn’t you tell me this before?
Jack: Why do you care? You always play defense, right?
Yaz: (sighs) It’s time to get off the bench. The best defense is a strong offense.
NC (voiceover): Well, (sighs) he has been out of this movie for a bit. I guess he had to make up for it with three basketball puns in a row.
(Cut to Kathryn experiencing some contractions on Stavros’ bed due to the baby about to arrive)
Stavros: I can get you to the hospital, you’ll be safer there.
NC (voiceover): So van Damme dresses up like a John Lennon-Pauly Shore pancake and tries to sneak up on Rourke.
(Jack sees Kathryn sitting in Stavros’ car with the window open; he gets up to start approaching her)
Yaz: (grabs Jack by the arm) Quinn, no! That’s what he wants!
Jack: (runs toward Kathryn) KATHRYN! (Stavros starts driving the car away) NOO!
NC (voiceover): (as Jack) I’m bigger than Jesus!
NC (voiceover): (Normal) But Rourke has backup and they have themselves another little shootout.
Yaz: (grabs for a gunman over a taxi cab) Look, he’s up! (He throws the gunman through the window of a bus) He’s in! I’ll have to call that a five-pointer.
NC (voiceover): Yes! You played basketball! Please shut up! Rourke escapes and makes his way to the pregnant wife. While she’s giving birth to her son, Rodman helps van Damme find her through—get this—Cyber-monks. No, I’m serious. That’s what they call them.
Yaz: (to Jack) These monks have been collecting information on roll for 500 years. Cyber-monks.
NC: Holy shit! (slaps his hands on his desk) Why couldn’t this movie be about these guys? Just their two-minute cameo is a million times better than anything else we’ve seen! Hell, if you’re not gonna do it, somebody else has to! We need to see Cyber-monks!
(A photoshopped image of a Cyber-monk with Robocop’s head is shown)
Robocop: (audio) Your move, creep. (Firing shots are heard)
NC (voiceover): So they find out where the wife is, but it turns out she already gave birth and Rourke has stolen the baby.
Yaz: (to Jack) You go get your boy. I’ll take care of her.
Jack: Thank you.
Yaz: You owe me.
NC (voiceover): So van Damme goes to a coliseum where Rourke has really gone all out in preparing a climax. Put mines in the ground, decorate them with crosses, the baby’s in the middle, he took his shirt off, he even threw in a fucking tiger for all this! It’s like “Gladiator” meets “Grand Theft Auto.” You gotta give him an “A” for creativity.
(Jack starts to run toward his baby while the tiger is near it until Yaz arrives on his motorcycle)
NC (voiceover): Yeah, way to look after my wife, liar.
(Yaz grabs for the basket the baby is in while on his motorcycle)
NC (voiceover): So Rodman gets the baby out—who surprisingly doesn’t cry, despite the fact he’s on a motorcycle and right next to a tiger—but, of course, van Damme can’t leave the score unfinished.
Yaz: (to Jack) Let’s just get the hell out of here. This thing’s gonna blow.
Jack: I’ll take care of Stavros.
(They both do fist bumps in agreement)
NC (voiceover): Uh, wouldn’t it make more sense if Rodman took care of the bad guy and you lived happily ever after with your loving family? Trust me, your ego is big enough to survive if you don’t throw the finishing punch! So Rourke and van Damme have a martial arts fight stepping carefully not to hit any of the mines, but AGAIN, Rodman doesn’t do what he said he would do! He comes back to help van Damme just leaving the baby on the fucking ground! It’s just a tiger-infested heavily-explosive coliseum of DEATH; it’s just like a Chuck E. Cheese! But thankfully, Belloq comes to save the baby and we see that Rourke has messed up and stepped on one of the mines. Once he takes his foot off, he goes up in smoke.
Yaz: (sees the tiger entering the coliseum behind him) Oh, sh—! (He gets out of the way)
(The tiger approaches Stavros as Jack and Yaz escape before the music builds and the film’s climax draws near)
NC: Oh, my God. We have Mickey Rourke on a mine in the middle of a minefield with a ferocious tiger in a coliseum with Jean-Claude van Damme, Dennis Rodman, Belloq, and a baby in a basket. (Beat) If this does not deliver the most fucking epic imagery I have ever seen in my entire life, I have lost all hope in mankind. (Beat, then exhales) Let’s see what happens.
(Stavros slowly removes his foot from the mine, and the mine explodes as the tiger leaps forth to attack him; as the climax continues with Jack, Yaz and Alex grabbing a Coca-Cola machine to hide behind it as the fireball flies past them without harming them, we see NC raise his arms and scream hysterically before he falls silent at its conclusion)
NC: WHOO! BEST DEATH EVAH! (Accompanying text appears onscreen at the shot of the tiger attacking Stavros as the mine explodes) WHOO! OK, alright, I’ll go back and talk about that entire scene but…OH MY FUCKING GOD!
NC (voiceover): First of all, look at Mickey Rourke’s face. He just knows that if he’s gonna go out, he has to go out with a fucking tiger eating him while he’s being blown up alive! Clearly, there’s no other option!
NC (voiceover): Second, we have a whole coliseum going up in flames, and yet they still manage to get their product placements in there. Hell, they’re literally throwing them at us! Third, with all these explosions and all this fire, it’s hiding behind a Coke machine that saves the day.
NC: I—that’s a new one. That’s a new—you know, OK, I’m not usually aware when I’m starting an Internet meme, but by God—this has to be an Internet meme! It is far too good! OK, there was jumping the shark, nuking the fridge—ladies and gentlemen, this is “Frying the Coke!” This is the ultimate in awesomely and laughable implausible! (He exhales again, then lights up a cigarette and sits back in his chair) Ahhh! We might as well just end it here, folks. I’m not gonna top that!
(Footage of the final scene, as well as the entire film, is shown as NC gives his closing thought)
NC (voiceover): I mean, the movie pretty much does, anyway. Belloq says they’re cool and they just go off their separate ways. He (Jack) doesn’t meet up with his wife or anything. But honestly, who wants to see that after this scene? I mean, just go out on that high note! So, yeah, the rest of the movie is dumb and laughably silly, but it was totally worth it just for that moment. (A screenshot of the tiger jumping to attack Stavros as the mine explodes is shown briefly) I want that image framed and put on my wall, it’s that awesome. We mere mortals wish we could go out in such a cool way! So, if you want a stupid movie but with the mother of all endings, check this flick out. It’s totally worth it just for that one minute of ecstasy!
NC: I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it, and I’m sure as hell not gonna fucking forget it! (He gets up to leave)
Channel Awesome Tagline—Jack: Bank account numbers.