Nostalgia Critic (NC): Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. And welcome to another special edition DVD review; and, may I remind you, there’s no refunds. [dubbed audience booing] Oh, yeah, you should be moaning ‘cause, today, we’ve got Doomsday Machine!
Opening “theme” plays, along with a montage of clips.
NC (v/o): Oh, this is about as pretentious, sexist, and downright pointless a movie you could ever see in the sci-fi genre. It’s corny, it’s weird, it’s downright savage at times…
NC: It made you buy the DVD, so there must be something good about it. Let’s take a look at Doomsday Machine.
NC (v/o): First of all, ya gotta love that score, right? [as the credits continue as we see Bobby Van’s and Ruta Lee’s names appear, the “music” continues, sounding like… well, NC explains:] Just put the conductor in front of a coffee maker and call it a soundtrack!
Cut to NC’s kitchen, where NC is indeed playfully conducting in front of his coffeemaker. After a few seconds, we notice an animated Casper come out from the machine and lunge at NC’s face - a reference to the Child’s Play review. NC promptly retracts and screams. Back to the movie.
NC (v/o): We then cut to a super-secret lab. Apparently, it’s so secret that they protect it with one entire guard!
They do indeed, though he does have a Doberman. But an Asian female spy dressed in blue and holding a cat cautiously walks along the wall, stops, and walks again while the Doberman barks and its master tries to control him. The spy then throws the cat over the wall - complete with a overdub cat scream - that distracts the dog.
NC (v/o): Dude! Where’s PETA on that one? You’re all over Obama when he squashes a fly, and yet Superkitty gets a free pass? [as that scene replays, NC portrays the cat - if it could talk] Well, there goes two of my lives! [the cat scream plays again; while the dog is pre-occupied, the spy climbs over the wall and runs inside the compound] So that’s right. All of the problems in this movie can be traced back to one simple source:
NC: [frantically waving his arms above his head] CAAAAAAAAAAATTT!! [cut to a picture of a cat, who looks like he’s a bit angry. Standard dramatic stinger plays. When that ends, an animated teethy smile is superimposed on the cat; and we hear the cat giggle - high-pitched and sped up. Back to the movie.]
NC (v/o): [as the spy moves in front of a modern-looking fountain] So in this… maximum security resort, [inside the lab] the spies come across a scientist going to work. And you’ll never believe how she kills her. [the spy grabs the female scientist from behind, grabs her pigtails - her braided hair, and chokes her unconscious; the spy gently lowers her to the floor and proceeds to walk away in a white lab coat] So, just to clarify, the most dangerous weapons in the movie so far are cats and pigtails.
NC: [looks around and clenches his right fist] There can only be one organization to pull this off: [looks at the camera] The Littlest Pet Shop Assassins. [cut to a photo of seven female pre-teens wearing Littlest Pet Shop costumes and posing as if in a catalog. The stinger stab plays again. When that ends, we see evil-looking cartoon eyes over each of the girls and hear multiple high-pitched chuckling. Back to the movie]
NC (v/o): So she meets up with her other [male] spy friend, and we see what their plan is: to… [they see a cheap-looking robot inside a red cage; they eventually break inside and take pictures of it] break out Robbie the Robot? [NC v/o’s as Robbie] Danger, Will Robinson. I’ve been in here so long, I like men now.
Male Spy: Only Chairman Mao has the key to that lock. All we can do is to warn the rest of the world.
NC (v/o): So the Chinese people, now speaking English for some reason, discover some sort of, well, Doomsday Machine and figure out there’s no way to stop it. [we see the spies leave through a square hole in the wall, but before they do…] This is my favorite, by the way: the lady spy takes off her fake black hair to reveal… [gasps] REAL BLACK HAIR!! Wait. Why did you need that? [we cut to our next locale] This brings us to a space station called ASTRA, where a press conference is going on, talking about the astronauts’ latest travel into space.
Commander Somebody: Gentlemen, it is T-minus 120; so we’ll have to make this very brief.
Reporter #1 [and yes, it IS Mike Farrell from TV’s M*A*S*H, thanks for asking]: Colonel, why this trip to Venus? I understand it’s over 160 million miles away.
Colonel Don Price: Since 1965, our big satellites, our space stations, our lunar landing, and base established there several years ago - all these efforts have helped prepare us for the payoff of Phase One: putting man on Venus.
Control Room Voice [we actually don’t know who this guy is, but he says this over the PA system heard throughout the base]: Attention: countdown is resumed from T-minus 120. [fades under NC below]
NC: [looking up and wagging his index finger, he says this through gritted teeth] Y’know, I swear he interrupts my speeches on purpose, I swear to God
CRV: [continued from before] Repeat: countdown is resumed from T-minus 120.
Reporter #2 [in thick foreign accent, maybe French]: Why the astronauts take the long way to get to the planet?
Col. Price: Instead of hopping straight across to it.
CRV: Will Dr. Haynes contact operations…
NC (v/o): My God, couldn’t you have held this meeting before a million things were going on? He can’t get a word in!
Reporter #3: How long will the journey take?
Col. Price: Barring unusual circumstances, planned explorations, we’ll be gone two years.
Reporter #3: Well, what do you consider “unusual circumstances?”
Col. Price: Anything we’re not prepared for.
NC: So, in other words, [we see in red letters screen-below the following: “Unusual Circumstances =] unusual circumstances equals… [struggles a bit but eventually says this, with the exception caption appearing also] unusual circumstances. [gives us an “I dunno” look]
CRV: Flight crew, stand by.
Col. Price: That includes me, gentlemen. [he sets down his pointer and proceeds to exit the room]
NC (v/o): What, that’s it? That was, like, five minutes long! Who put this thing together?!?! This is, like, the worst ran press conference in history!!
We cut to Doug dressed in a white dress shirt, suit and tie (likely NC’s outfit if he’d care to look professional) entering from screen-left in front of a stock blue CG superimposed curtain about to deliver a speech as if he‘s ASTRA‘s president.
Announcer: And now, the president of ASTRA.
President: Two minutes ago, a nuclear bomb was dropped in the city of- [at this point, he’s drowned out by the voice over the loudspeaker]
Loudspeaker: Mr. Howard, your toast just came out of the oven. Repeat: your toast just came out of the oven. [during this, NC is mouthing where the explosion occurred and used exaggerated hand movements to indicate than something went “Boom!”. After a few seconds, we hear the Prez again]
President: And, seeing how I scheduled only ten seconds for this meeting, that’s all I have to tell you. Remember what I said, especially the part about breathing. [he then leaves the room from previous direction]
We cut to the flight crew assembled in another room of the complex, who were apparently listening to the press conference.
CRV: Report to security headquarters for reclassification.
Danny [apparently, that‘s all we know of him, played by Bobby Van]: Cruise ship without the mini-skirts. This is 1975.
Major Kurt Mason: Even if you’ve kept up with your comic books, you oughta know what China’s been fooling around with.
NC (v/o): So the astronauts are escorted in their… security Ford wagon and put on their finest ice-cream-man uniforms to go into space. [the crew meets outside with other military officials] But there’s just one little hiccup.
Military Man #1: [addressing the Colonel] You are to replace three of your crew… [looks back to his guests, three female officers] with three other officers.
Crew Member #1: Women? Now I’ve heard everything.
NC: Women?! [almost does a raspberry] What, are they gonna paint the inside of the ship pink or put curtains on the windows? [fake laugh] Next, they’ll be wanting to vote!
Maj. Mason: Colonel, this is ridiculous. It’s absolutely insane!
Col. Price: Personally, I think you’re out of your minds!
NC (v/o): Yeah, I mean, what kind of men would possibly want women on their TWO-YEAR ABSENCE AWAY FROM HUMANITY? Y’know, guys, a little clambake in your sausage factory might not be such a bad idea.
Col. Price: What about the emotional stability of a mixed crew in deep space for over two years?
Dr. Turner [one of the females]: Colonel, we’re quite stable.
NC: No, you’re not. Haven’t you seen the dictionary in 1975? “Women: [here we see a fake dictionary entry that reads: ‘Women - emotionally unstable, dishwashing baby-makers. (also see Useless)‘] emotionally unstable, dishwashing baby-makers.” [cut back to NC as he folds his arms] I’d like to see the passage of time prove me wrong!
Military Man: [introducing the ladies] This is Dr. Marion Turner - flight surgeon, microbiologist. Lieutenant [Katie] Carlson - computer instrument tech and meteorologist.
Lt. Carlson: [in a supposedly sexy tone] Hi.
Military Man: Major [Georgianna] Bronski - co-pilot, survival specialist. [she nods]
NC (v/o): We call her Scary Spice.
Col. Price: You haven’t said anything yet, Doc.
Dr. Christopher Perry: What can you say, Colonel? It’s a presidential order.
Dr. Turner: There must be worse things, Colonel.
Col. Price: Ladies… [he reluctantly shows the women to their new location; the other crew members are obviously taking this well…]
Maj. Mason: I don’t believe it!
Danny: You know, there must be a practical side to having women on board.
Dr. Perry: You mean like having your socks washed. [at this point, we hear some ol’-time-piano music meant to be from the ‘30s-‘40s era. And we cut to another green-screen sequence, this one in black-and-white.]
Announcer [with rag-time-style voice]: And now, [caption shown on-screen in front of another CG curtain] Prejudice Joe’s Old Timey Humor.
[Doug appears, in dress shirt, vie, vest, and hat, holding a cane and talking like a bad vaudeville comedian in front of a different CG curtain]
Prejudice Joe: Hey, whaddaya call a man who just lost all logic? A woman! [rimshot. Old-style silent-film-type caption; "They’re not Human!"] How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb? Screw in a light bulb? That’s a man’s job! Get back to cooking! ["They Have No Feelings!"] Whaddaya call a woman who thinks she has the same rights as a man? A damn good comedian! ["Penises are Better!" Fake applause] Thank you, thank you. Now, let me talk about that wacky Martin Luther King Jr. I’ll get my blackface for this one! [walks off screen-right]
NC (v/o): So they get suited up to go [in Thunderbirds-style outfits], roll some obvious stock footage [of a shuttle liftoff], and finally shoot up into space. [at this point, Dr. Perry looks nervous, almost hyperventilating. Danny grabs him arm to try and calm him down. We cut to a stock drawing of the Atlantic Ocean, but it looks a bit different] What, did the leprechaun piss in the earth today? What’s with all the green? [yeah, it isn’t blue at all. Cut to a close-up of Dr. Perry, who still isn’t 100%]
Danny: Colonel, what about Dr. Perry?
NC (v/o): But the doctor is having trouble breathing. So one of the women [Maj. Bronski] decides to give him some oxygen, despite the fact that they only have one minute before the thrusters kick in.
Col. Price: Major Bronski, get back into your seat. We fire in less than a minute. [she tries to open the portable oxygen tank but can’t] Major Bronski!
NC (v/o): Oh, I don’t think she’s in much danger. You guys did dress more like you’re being shot out of a cannon as opposed to going into space, so I think she’s well protected.
CRV: For heat exchanges and pressurization, give status on sequencer units before program commences. [as he speaks, Maj. Bronski gives the tank to Danny, who gets the tank open; and both deliver the oxygen to the doctor]
NC (v/o): Yes, let a MAN open that for you. If you need help moving furniture or telling you how a football game works, we’ll be happy to help you with that, too!
Maj. Mason: Major Bronski, Danny, 15 seconds! [they race to get back to their seats]
NC (v/o): Get your high-heeled spacesuit back to that La-Z-Boy chair and push “Recline,” dammit, push “Recline!” [it does look like a La-Z-Boy recliner]
NC (v/o): So they make the jump, and they’re on their way to Venus. But something still doesn’t feel right.
Maj. Mason: They sure pushed us out of Earth awfully fast. I got a feeling there’s something more than a… war involved.
NC: Yeah, like… [looks up to come up with something; he can’t and looks back at us] no, how do you realistically top war?
We cut to the women changing clothes in their locker room as a couple of the men walk inside - Lt. Carlson has to cover up her bosom because she’s topless; Dr. Turner does, too, but she’s wearing a bra.
NC (v/o): The women, of course, show a classic case of helmet hair as they find it’s not always easy to get along with their male counterparts.
Maj. Mason: And with only three personnel modules on this ship, we should get quite… familiar with the routine.
Maj. Bronski: What is this? Sophisticated Americans suffering from false modesty? In Russia, we are more matu- [there’s an unexpected jump cut to a few seconds later, likely from poor condition of the film; this catches NC off-guard]
NC (v/o): Whoa! In Soviet Russia, jump cuts jump YOU!
Maj. Mason: [talking to the other men onboard] Putting females together with the male animal in a cage like this - what are we supposed to do for the next two years? Breed?
Dr. Perry: Well, those Pentagon computers are pretty sharp.
Col. Price: Sending us three women?
Dr. Perry: Now, supposing China did destroy the world, there’d be nothing left for us to come back to.
NC (v/o): So… yeah, they have a suspicion that the world might be doomed and that they might be the only ones left to repopulate the species.
Danny: Come on, Doc, you’re space happy. You’ve been reading the pulps again. Doomsday? Get him! [he chuckles for a bit, but the others aren’t laughing. Danny looks at them] Well, I mean, you guys aren’t taking him seriously, are you? Those chopstick jockeys couldn’t come up with a planet buster, could they? [the ol’-time-piano music starts up again as we cut to…]
Prejudice Joe: And now, for the Asians! What do you call a Chinaman who can’t fight? A Moo Goo Gai Pansy! Oh, wait a minute! I can use my squinty-eyed glasses and buck teeth for this one! [exits screen-right]
We cut to Maj. Mason, who has just entered another room where Lt. Carlson is sitting, wearing a PAAAAAANK bathrobe and drying herself off.
Lt. Carlson: Hello.
Maj. Mason: Enjoy your shower?
Lt. Carlson: Mmm. Love your homemade water. [we pan down to her sexily showing off her leg to the Major]
NC (v/o): This looks like a job or some serious bootycallin’.
Maj. Mason: Would you care to join me on a tour of the ship… and see what makes it tick?
NC: T-minus five seconds to [gives us a grin and points his finger at the camera] gettin’ it on.
Maj. Mason: [grabs Lt. Carlson by her shoulders; she looks a bit scared] Let’s cut out the games, huh? You know what’s ahead of us. We’re all gonna be cozy together for a nice, long time. Now, why don’t you… relax… and enjoy it. [eventually, they kiss and make out]
NC (v/o): Okay… we’re watching a porno. I mean, think about it. The plot is: it’s the end of the world, there’s only a few men and women left on this ship, and they’re forced to give in to their animal urges. Yeah, we rented a porno!
NC: Aaaand in light of that, I have no choice but to list The Top 10 Porno Titles That This Movie Should’ve Had.
Cut to another fake CG curtain as this caption zooms into view: ‘Nostalgia Critic’s Top 10 Porno Titles This Movie Should’ve Had.’ We also hear some dramatic stinger music. Note: every time the announcer speaks, we see the corresponding number quickly zoom in.
Announcer: Number 10.
NC: In Space, Nobody Can Hear You Fuck.
Announcer: Number 9.
NC: Star Whores.
Announcer: Number 8.
NC: [as Schwarzenegger] The Titillator. [Doug spelt it with just one L]
Announcer: Number 7.
NC: Voyage of the Starship Booby-Prize.
Announcer: Number 6.
NC: [caption says ‘The Domi-Matrix’, but NC says:] The Domi-dash-Matrix.
Announcer: Number 5.
NC: E.T. The Extra-Titillating.
Announcer: Number 4.
NC: [holds up his fist in triumph] Highbanger.
Announcer: Number 3.
NC: [holds up crossed fingers] The Tight Stuff.
Announcer: Number 2.
NC: Babe Runner.
Announcer: And the Number 1 Porno Title That This Movie Should’ve Had is…
NC: Spaceballs. [looks and points to his right] Play me out, Paul! [we hear some music as if it were played by Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra, along with some wild canned audience applause. NC does some chair-dancing for a few seconds]
NC (v/o): So while the women look for something to wash everybody’s socks with, one of the astronauts puts together what’s going on.
Col. Price: [looking through some scientific instrument, talking to Dr. Turner] This whole mess was unnecessary. I mean, bringing you women along. [walks up to her] Some stargazer panicked and thought the world was going to end, didn’t he? Figure a few people like you and me could do a rerun on Adam and Eve?
Dr. Turner; [taken aback] Yes. Something like that.
NC: I mean, the idea that a woman could do the same job as a man. [does some fake laughing] It‘s so ridiculous! [more fake laughs as he slaps the table two times. Eventually, he props right back up to quickly say:] You wanna fuck?
Dr. Turner: [with her glasses off] Look, Colonel, we’re only doing what we were ordered to do. And if it doesn’t suit you, well, I’m very sorry. [tries to put her glasses back on, but Col. Price stops her]
Col. Price: You know, without your glasses, you’re a very pretty doctor. [canned audience goes “Oooooooo!” as both Turner and Price smile at each other]
NC (v/o): But another cock-block seems to get in the way. Ah jeesh, it’s just the Earth blowing up; you act like it’s the end of the world or something. [indeed it is - cities flood in some Godzilla-style effects]
Col. Price: My God... they did it. It’s happening. Pure war.
NC: [imitating Charlton Heston in Planet of the Apes, he slams the table with his fist and almost cries] You maniacs! [looks up at God] You Goddamn maniacs! You’ve put me in the greatest position I’ve ever been in my life! Thank you! Thank you all to hell!
Lt. Carlson: [in played-up shock, she quietly says:] No… no… [then, she screams out:] NOOOOOOOOOO! [the earth is about to explode, but we see it flicker twice like it’s a Christmas bulb]
NC: [pretends to look through the telescope, he shoos away what Carlson just said] Oh... shut up and make us a sandwich. [goes back to looking]
On the ship, as Dr. Turner is in Col. Price’s arms, Lt. Carlson is still crying. Maj. Mason gets up from looking at the microscope to confront Carlson.
Maj. Mason: Will you shut up?
Col. Price: [tries to hold Mason back unsuccessfully] Mason...
Maj. Mason: [grabs Lt. Carlson and shakes her while she’s still screaming] WILL YOU SHUT UP?! SHUT UP!!
NC: [scoffs] Told you they were unstable. Pfft!
NC (v/o): So the Earth explodes or… [as the “poor effects” show us…] cuts to a flaming orange as the crew tries to figure out who to do- I mean, what to do next.
Maj. Mason: [with Dr. Parry, he’s at that microscope again] I… I want to live. [as the doctor leaves, Mason stops him and start shaking him by the shoulders] I WANNA LIVE!!
NC: [as Ren from Ren and Stimpy] I think I got the… space madness. [quickly looks back at us and holds up a toothbrush] Don’t make me use this! One step closer, I’m warnin’ ya!
Dr. Perry: C’mon, Kurt, get a hold of yourself. We all want to live.
We cut to a different area of the ship where Danny and Maj. Bronski are talking.
Danny: You seem very calm.
Maj. Bronski: My years of training.
Danny: So what made you become an astronaut?
Maj. Bronski: You ask because I’m a woman?
Maj. Bronski: In my country, women follow the same professions as men.
NC: Ha! As this movie has constantly proven over and over and over, that’ll never catch on. Socks. Wash ‘em.
Maj. Bronski: I was proud to be the only woman in a class with six men.
Danny: Well… well, uh… don’t you miss being a woman?
NC: Yes, because a woman with a brain clearly isn’t a woman. It’s just a man without a penis.
NC (v/o): So they’re forced to try and find a new route. But they have to think of it fast because even more problems keep popping up.
Dr. Perry: [addressing Col. Price with Maj. Mason looking on] We can’t afford four months. We’ve got to get there in less than two. The Earth’s explosion has tripled the radiation out there, and it’s non-directional. We just can’t shield it out.
Col. Price: Well, it’s mostly soft stuff: alphas and betas. The gamma concentration isn’t critical.
Dr. Perry: Yes I know, but four months exposure to it’ll mean just one thing: sterilization. [at this point, Mason starts to laugh in his chair]
NC: [as Mason] Joke’s on you; I’m already impotent.
Col. Price: Well, I’m lost, Doc. We can’t land without fuel.
Dr. Perry: A few could. By stripping the ships, [at this point, we see Maj. Bronski in a hallway who catches on to what Dr. Parry’s saying; she says nothing but is starting to feel a bit distressed] dropping the booster shells… Well, I know it sounds ridiculous to say that the weight of a few people could affect the safety of a fifty-ton ship. But I’ve checked [cut back to Dr. Perry] and rechecked it on the computer, and there’s no other answer. [he shows his calculations to Price]
NC (v/o): Well, yes, that does sound silly. Preposterous even. But I trust this movie’s scientific understanding. I mean, anyone who decorates the ship to look like the inside of a Skittles bag [yeah, the ship is a bit much colorful] clearly knows about space travel. And we don’t need those women prissing up these butch colors!
Lt. Carlson: [working on something with her back toward Maj. Mason] Something else you wanted?
Maj. Mason: Mm-hmm. [he starts to rub Carlson’s back and…]
NC (v/o): But James T. Cock finds he just can’t keep his thrusters to himself anymore. [Mason eventually grabs her hair and aggressively spins her around so that she looks at him]
Lt. Carlson: Don’t your vibrations ever stop?
Maj. Mason: You know it has to be sooner or later. [he goes to kiss her; but she brings up the knife she’s been holding up to her face so that he gets cut on the cheek - I think because we don‘t really see any major injury]
NC (v/o): She fights him off, which doesn’t make him too happy. [Mason punches her as she falls to the floor. Danny hears this from the adjoining room where we was with Bronski and walks in]
Danny: For God sakes, cool it, Major. What are you tryin’ to do?
Maj. Mason: Take your hands off her.
[Mason punches Danny to the ground, and the two start to fight for a few seconds. As such, NC adds his own monkey grunts and screeches over this. The ladies stand back in shock. Col. Price eventually comes in to end this brawl]
Col. Price: Break it up! [Mason decks Danny one last time, along with one last screech from NC; but Price shoves him against the hull] Major, I’ve had it with you! You straighten up or spend the next two months locked below.
NC (v/o): So it’s decided that the ship can only carry three people to their final destination, while the rest have to stay behind and be tribble chow. So they’re gonna let the computer decide who’s the most logical to continue forward. Oddly enough, this gets the people acting a little crazy!
Lt. Carlson: [with Mason looking on] Start of this trip, I had a whole world to choose. Now… [Mason approaches her]
Maj. Mason: Now, there’s just me, huh? Just you and me. [at this point, he’s in front of her again; aaaaaand they make out again]
NC (v/o): Huh. Glad she forgot about the whole punching thing. [but Dr. Perry interrupts them with the results from the computer]
Maj. Mason: What’s the answer?
Dr. Perry: Huh? [Mason then grabs the results from the doc’s hands and looks at them himself] You’re out of order, Captain. [this may be a flub - I thought Mason was a Major]
NC (v/o): But they then find out that they weren’t chosen to be kept alive, which causes Mr. Dick-in-Space to go crazy. [Mason grabs Carlson by the neck, but she kicks him in his shin and runs away, screaming incomprehensibly. She eventually runs into an air shaft, but Mason quickly follows to confront her as the door shots behind him]
Lt. Carlson: You’re crazy, Kurt, you know that? You’re crazy! You don’t want me.
Maj. Mason: Let’s discuss. [he tries to violently kiss her as she resists]
NC (v/o): [as Mason] Let’s roleplay. It’s the end of the world. We have to repopulate the human race. You slam yourself right into the Air Shaft button. Uh-oh. [as NC said, in trying to break free, she pushes off him; and her shoulder accidentally hits the Outer Door Release button]
Maj. Mason: LOOK OUT! [the door opens, along with a whoosh of air; Carlson screams, then Mason does]
NC: [putting his hands to his face a la Macaulay Culkin] AAAHHHHHHH!!!!
We then cut to Carlson and Mason “floating” in the air - she’s just flailing her arms, and he’s grabbing his neck while both hang off the ground. Both of them have “blood” dripping from their eyes. Yea, this ain’t authentic-looking.
NC (v/o): Hmm. Funny how they don’t get sucked out and they just hover there like - oh, I don’t know - they were poorly hung on wires. But, hey, [cut to a previous scene with the crew to illustrate NC’s point] this is a movie that dresses the female astronauts like The Powerpuff Girls; so, again, [back to our dead crewmen] I can’t deny this movie’s scientific understanding.
Dr. Turner: [with Bronski, both in shock] Katie… Kurt…
NC (v/o): So… two down, two more to go. There has to be some other convenient way to ax off the other unneeded characters.
Danny: Never got my subystem checkup.
Dr. Perry: The circuit’s been shorted.
Col. Price: There’s a misalignment in the booster connect.
NC (v/o): Well, it turns out there’s a power shortage on the boosters, which means SOMEBODY has to go out and fix it! [and that somebody is Danny; Maj. Bronski accompanies him on this task]
For this next part, we see the duo outside working on the boosters. All the while, we hear dramatic action music from Music Loops - it’s actually the track that opens Part 3 to Suburban Knights.
NC (v/o): [as a movie trailer announcer] This looks like a job for [caption appears on-screen] The Expendables: Part 3. Oh… no, it’s not the coolest action stars of all time never getting hurt; it’s just… the expendable people being… expendable. But you know what? That’s kinda COOL… if you’re 80 years old, suffer a blow to the head, and don’t like entertainment. [in a throwback to the Airborne review, we see this caption again:] EXTREME!!
NC (v/o): [as normal] But they come across some sort of space station - funny they never noticed that before - and the two of them go inside.
The two make it inside the station. Now comes the fun part. We just see Danny & Bronski in their suits looking inside and trying to work out the instrument panels. We also hear ambient space shuttle noises and “dramatic” music. This first part carries on for ten seconds.
NC (v/o): Uh, could you move a little faster? [after seven seconds of the same…] Little faster, please. [after five more seconds, NC is getting perturbed] Oh my God. You’re gonna show us every step they take in the process of getting that computer working, aren’t you? [eventually, some lights come on; but the pace is so slow here that it’s almost ineffectual] Oh, hell, they’re not even showing the process. They’re just keeping the camera at this angle, and they just look at the screen. [brief pause] And - I’m not kidding - this shot of them just looking at a TV screen with nothing going on at all: [we zoom in on the movie as we see a caption in red letters ‘8 Minutes’ appear] eight minutes long, folks. EIGHT MINUTES!! [back to normal view] Oh my Go- this movie was just bad before; but now, we suddenly worked our way into Manos territory! What the hell are you doing? Just get something done! [another pause] My God, REALLY?! You’re DOING THIS? Did the editor just commit suicide at the end of this movie? Lord knows I don’t blame him, but WHAT THE HELL?!?! [and more of the same; at this point, NC‘s getting desperate and angry…] TELL THE STORY! DEVELOP THE CHARACTERS! Or…
NC: [close-up of his frustrated mug as he yells…] CUUUUUUUUUTTTT!!!!! [just like in his Star Trek: The Motion Picture review; we cut to a zoom-out of his neighborhood as he continues yelling] CUUUUUUUUUTTTT!!!!! CUUUUUUUUUTTTT!!!!! [back to the movie]
NC (v/o): But finally, after eight minutes - [screaming at the top of his lungs] EIGHT MINU- [he quickly collects himself] okay, I’m getting carried away - something does finally happen: they get some audio.
Mysterious Voice [with lots of echo]: We are the collective minds of this world your craft now orbits.
NC: [looks off right and wonders what’s happening] Okay….
MV: Be it enough for you to know that during the span of our evolution, our civilization has witnessed the birth and death of worlds and suns untold. Your time is short. You may not enter our world. We have witnessed the self-destructive powers of the green planet you call Earth.
NC (v/o): Green? What are they, colorblind? The planet’s blue! How can we trust an [sarcastically] advanced civilization [back to normal] if they can’t even tell the difference between green and blue? [back to the shot of the Atlantic from earlier] Oh, wait, the leprechaun piss; yah, I guess that makes sense. [we return to the station]
MV: You have destroyed your place in the universe. [nothing happens except weird sci-fi music. We intercut to NC, who motions to try and “hurry up”; nope - the same. After a few more seconds…]
NC: LINE? [eventually, the mysterious voice returns]
MV: Last of man, [quick cut of NC reacting as if to say, “Finally!“] listen: of this, we will tell you. Your journey will continue. Something very strange… and very great awaits you beyond the rim of the universe. And now, last of man, your journey will begin. [the small station eventually takes off on its own power with the two on board. Then we cut to a matte drawing of space and hold on it for a few seconds]
NC (v/o): Okay…. Yeeeeess? [we’re still holding…] What are we looking at, a Magic Eye picture? DO SOMETHING!!!! [still holding…] HELLO?!? [we eventually cut to the film caption that says: ‘THE END’] Oh, hey, it is a Magic Eye. I’m suddenly seeing the most beautiful words I’ve ever seen in my entire life: The End.
NC: So humanity can’t see this advanced civilization that can‘t tell green from blue; but, hey, on the plus side… something good‘s waiting for ‘em! [he fakes being thrilled as he reluctantly gives a thumbs-up] Yay for them. [montage of clips as NC sums up for us]
NC (v/o): Sort of a weak-ass ending for a weak-ass idea, isn’t it? This movie is sexist, racist, has no idea what good sci-fi writing is; and the idea comes out of a porno that the Cinema Snob would review!
NC: It’s just dumb as hell. But, to be fair, it’s kinda funny. [and another montage follows]
NC (v/o): If you like dumb-ass movies, well, then this one is certainly up there on the dumb totem pole. If you crave camp like nobody’s business, then you might find this to be your sci-fi monolith. It’s corny, it’s lame, it’s filled with enough stupid scenes to get a lotta laughs out of people. So, if that sounds up your alley, give it a watch.
NC: I’m the Nostalgia Critic. And if you’ll excuse me, [brings up some black socks in his hand] I’m gonna find a woman to wash my socks. [he gets up and leaves. After a few seconds, we hear a whip crack and see the socks being flung back onto NC’s chair as he screams off-screen] OWWWW!!!
Credits roll. THE END.
Tagline - Danny: Don’t you miss being a woman?