November 9, 2009
Suddenly I understand why the designers never had this guy talk in the actual game...
(We start off in Linkara's usual room)
Linkara: Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. So... Doom.
(A clip of the game is shown)
Linkara (v/o): One of the earliest and most popular first person shooters from the early '90s.
(90s Kid appears)
90s Kid: Duuude! Doom is the best video game ever made ever! It really is the kind of game that makes you stop and think, especially about history. I never knew how hard it must've been for those space marines. Y'know, back during World War II? Trying to fight the demons of Mars. Oh, dude. They could rock a gun like (makes a horns shape with his hand) no other!
Linkara: Unsurprisingly, there was a comic book about it. But this damn thing is one of the most impossible comics to locate! I still haven't found a copy!
(More footage of the game is shown)
Linkara (v/o): Published by Id, the game's developers, the thing was only given out as a promotion at a game convention. As such, finding an actual, physical copy of the thing is nearly impossible. It was apparently reprinted in a trade collection later, but I can't find that, either. I was half-convinced that the damn thing was an elaborate prank on me, considering its rarity. But of course, even if that was the case, it still exists on digital form online. Just do a Google search for "Doom comic", and the first thing that'll come up is the actual Doom comic scanned online.
Linkara: I admit, I originally planned to not do this review. The thing's already infamous on the Internet, and I didn't think I had anything to add. But the people have spoken, requesting it in droves, so let's dig into the Doom comic.
(Title sequence plays; title card has the Doom Level 1 music playing on it; cut to a close-up of the comic's cover)
Linkara (v/o): (reading warning) "Consider yourself WARNED!! This book contains scenes of graphic violence!"
90s Kid: (giving a double-horns gesture) Excellent!
Linkara (v/o): So the cover depicts the space marine from Doom. Well, I think it's him anyway.
(A clip of the game is shown)
Linkara (v/o): He doesn't exactly resemble the guy on the HUD interface.
(Back to the cover)
Linkara (v/o): He's supposed to be shooting this zombie, and there are clearly shells firing out of his gun, but there aren't any movement lines showing the bullets shooting. (reads text on cover) "Knee Deep in the Dead!"
Linkara: Well, knee deep in the mud anyway.
(The comic begins, showing the marine's shown punching through an imp)
Linkara (v/o): We open to this bit of insanity.
Marine: (narrating) Who's a man and a half? I'm a man and a half!
Linkara: I AM A MAN! (reaches out and punches) And a half! (he punches again, but his fist gets stuck) Help! Help, I'm stuck!
Marine: (narrating) There's nothing wrong with you that I can't fix... with my hands!
Linkara: (as the marine, holding his hand out) I'm a respected neurosurgeon! Let's take a look at that spine!
Linkara (v/o): Get used to this dialogue, folks, as well as me trying to do my best Ultimate Warrior voice. It's the only way to properly convey the wretched insanity that's unfolding before us. We see that the nameless space marine is standing over a pile of zombies and demons.
Marine: I'm cookin' with gas!
Linkara: (as marine) You hear me, George Foreman? You're next! (beat) Hoak Hogan!
Marine: I'm a 12.0 on the 10.0 scale of badness!
Linkara (v/o): Yeah, that's this comic in a nutshell.
Marine: Don't need a gun... Guns are for wusses!
(Linkara looks at his Magic Gun and sniffles before throwing it away, crying)
Marine: Huh? Whuzzat? I like what I see! An important looking door...
Linkara (v/o): What door? It looks like a panel on the wall. Well, maybe that was the point, actually.
Marine: (kicking in a door) Knock knock, who's there? ME ME ME ME ME ME ME!
Linkara: Oh, geez, everything's about you, isn't it?
Linkara (v/o): He's instantly confronted by the Cyberdemon from the game.
Marine: Rip and tear! Rip and tear your guts! You are huge! That means you have huge guts!
Linkara: Well, you can't fault his logic.
Marine: Ooh, here it comes! Here comes the night train!
Linkara: If he starts singing "Night Train to Mundo Fine", (points thumb off-screen) I'm leaving.
(A clip of the Mystery Science Theater gang watching this very movie, with the titular song playing, is shown; cut back to the comic again)
Marine: (his punch has done nothing) Berzerker pack--gone! Feelings of invincibility-- over!
Linkara: Shatner style narration – fading!
Linkara (v/o): Yeah, it seems he was under the effect of a Berzerker Pack, a power-up from the original game. With his power-up-inspired madness now over, he runs off from the threatening Cyberdemon that was... uh, just standing there. He realizes that he needs a gun and immediately comes upon some zombies wielding guns.
Marine: Not big guns, but they are guns! And I need guns!
Linkara: Oh, sure, guns are for wusses until you actually need one! (looks around) Where the hell did I throw my gun?
Marine: (reaching for a chainsaw) Ahhhh! Chainsaw! The great communicator! Allow me to communicate my desire to have your guns!
Linkara: (wearing a monocle, British accent) Oh, well, certainly, dear fellow. We'll just allow you to advance upon us so you can communicate your desire to have our...
(The Marine uses the chainsaw to slice the zombies' heads off)
Linkara (v/o): Oh, my lord, I lost my monocle! (normal) So the nameless marine enters a dark room, now armed with a shotgun.
Marine: Dark! Might makes light!
Linkara (v/o): Wait a second, he's in a dark room, he's using a gun to illuminate the area... Oh, dear Lord in Heaven, it's Alone in the Dark!
(The same music from the shootout in that scene plays. We start with Linkara shooting a pistol. Coming into the scene is the Nostalgia Critic)
NC: Did someone knock?
(Phelous shoots him dead)
(Linkara's now shooting with an assault rifle. Then Lanipator comes in with his head covered in his coat like it's a mask)
Lanipator: (deep voice) All right, fools! Prepare to face the wrath of the Black... (takes the coat off and speaks normally) Hey, no fair! You guys didn't tell me you had guns!
(And he gets shot dead by Beary! AngryJoe's now shooting an assault rifle from the hip. Linkara's now shooting two rifles, then we cut to MarzGurl, who shoots a sniper rifle. Bennett The Sage has a nerf gun and roars while trying to shoot it. He has to pump it a bit before shooting. Once that shot's gone, he takes a knife out and charges. Now we get characters from Press Start to Play (I don't know the series, so if you want to fill those names out, go ahead) shooting as well, with Ed Glaser (he lets loose with the Wilhelm Scream as he gets hit) being one of the victims. Dena Natali is also shooting one of her own guns as well. MikeJ's the odd man out having just his usual mug)
MikeJ: Oh, um...
(He then makes shooting sounds with it; cut back to the comic again)
Linkara (v/o): So our hero turns on the lights and what do you know, he has killed a whole bunch of demons.
Linkara (v/o): No, I'm serious. He actually does the Bruce Campbell Evil Dead 2 "Groovy". With this thing, I can't tell it's with an homage or an attempt to rip it off.
Marine: At this particular moment in time I don't believe I have a healthier or more deeply-felt respect for any object in the universe than this here shotgun...
Linkara (v/o): (as Marine) ...Hoak Hogan!
Linkara: Maybe this guy has some kind of a brain condition where half the time, he's a psychotic wreck, and the other half, he's Noel Coward.
Linkara (v/o): He quickly disregards his well-respected shotgun when he discovers a chain gun.
Marine: Hoy, hoy, I'm the boy...
Linkara (v/o): I thought you were the man.
Marine: ...packin' 80 pounds of heavenly joy!
Linkara: (holding his chain-gun arm) I'm right there with ya, crazy man.
Linkara (v/o): The nameless marine is immediately set upon by an imp.
Marine: Turned my back... That was stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid imp! You're stupid! And you're gonna be stupid and dead!
(Cut to a clip of Plan 9 From Outer Space)
Eros: Your stupid minds! Stupid! Stupid!
(Back to the comic again)
Marine: Dance, bonedaddy! Dance!
Linkara (v/o): Well, it's kinda hard to dance when you've blown off both of his legs, his arms, his face... Well, anyway, after dispatching the imp, he proceeds into another room with more monsters and starts blowing them away. That's really all there is to this comic. It's why I didn't want to review it. It's just a nameless marine shooting stuff and being out of his mind. Well... I suppose I can critique some stuff. For example, it feels like there are panels missing. In the Cyberdemon scene from before, the Cyberdemon just appears in one panel, and he starts shooting it. For all the impact that this thing makes with its size, its introduction is done in a single panel that barely takes up an eighth of the page! The same thing happens on this page: he just goes into a room, starts shooting, and then suddenly a big demon picks him up, turns him around, and drags him over to a big pit. Where the hell did that thing come from? Also, the backgrounds are pretty much nonexistent; just slap some washed-out colors and occasionally show some walls. How fascinating. Anyway, monster pulls him over to the pit, but he solves this problem the same way he does throughout the book: killing things. However, he's also been dropped into some radioactive waste.
Linkara: (confused) You'd think they'd put a cover or a lid or something on their tub of radioactive waste, but hey, what do I know?
Linkara (v/o): Actually, even the space marine asks the same thing.
Marine: Who do you suppose let all that radioactive waste down there? Why? Why?
Linkara (v/o): But of course, that question is discarded when he realizes something else.
Marine: Now I'm radioactive! That can't be good!
Linkara: Okay, I'm taking bets on what kind of superpowers he develops. Growth into the Amazing Colossal Man? Turning into an animal? Becoming the Hulk? All bets are accepted!
Linkara (v/o): He also takes a minute to expound upon what sort of world we're leaving to our children. Yes, the Doom marine is telling us about radioactive waste! And people say I should leave politics out of my stuff. But a worse tragedy befalls him when he realizes his gun is out of bullets!
(90s Kid is seen again)
90s Kid: NOOOOO! How will he solve his problems if he doesn't have bullets?! This is the most unradical thing to ever happen in the entire history of humankind!
Linkara: After traveling through a teleporter pad, he discovers a plasma rifle, and none too soon. The Cacodemons from the game come in and shoot at him!
Marine: Sweet Christmas! Big-mouthed floating thingies! It's always something!
Linkara: Oh, don't even get me started. I'm walking down to my mailbox one day, and all of a sudden, a portal to Hell opens, and suddenly, I'm fighting tons of monsters! I hate Thursdays.
Linkara (v/o): But of course, with the help of the plasma rifle, the Doom guy manages to slay the floating Pokeballs.
Marine: (narrating) Wow! Now I'm in a completely different place!
Linkara: I love this comic! It's like some awesome parody! I can take the nameless space marine's insanity as a joke! It's not quite the same thing when it's coming from Batman.
Linkara (v/o): However, the marine has some new problems, since not only has he found more toxic waste in barrels, but he's attacked by a Spectre, a monster from the game that's invisible. Fortunately, anyone who has played Doom knows that you blow up the barrels and BLAMMO! It's dead meat! Of course, now I'm sure he's even more radioactive. That can't be good! Entering another room, we see a whole bunch of other space marines fighting off the demons... or rather, being slaughtered by the demons. Not that this guy really cares, since he's found something even better: a BFG 9000! (an angelic choir is heard at this)
Linkara: The legends were true!
Linkara (v/o): The marine forces his way through the demonic hordes and reaches the gun!
Marine: (narrating) Death surrounds me, yet, in my head I hear something that sounds like angels! Lo, I have the Holy Grail of firepower! Mine eyes can but weep as they bear witness to the majesty... the BFG 9000!
Linkara: (teary-eyed, sniffling) There is nothing more beautiful than a steroid-abusing space marine holding a huge gun. Well, besides for everything else that's beautiful, but you get my point.
Marine: As I stride knee deep through the dead, all is clear. I know what must be done... My cause is just...My will is strong... and my gun is very, very large!
Linkara: Seriously, I want a movie version of this comic, but with Bruce Campbell in the title role. He can make this thing rival the Evil Dead movies in terms of sheer, awesome one-liners!
Linkara (v/o): A few seconds later, the marine has made his way back to the Cyberdemon.
Mariner: (narrating) Let loose your volley of death, Cyberdemon! You struggle in vain!
Linkara (v/o): All right, the moment we've all been waiting for: the power of the BFG 9000! We get an ominous hum, and then... Wait, what?! A couple bullets, that's it?! Aw, come on, man! That's just stupid! Where's the expanding energy blast? Where's the way it kills a whole bunch of enemies, even if they aren't close to it? That's just a lame way to end this thing!
Linkara: I mean, come on, man! That's not how you use a BFG! (holds up a huge machine gun) This is how you use a BFG!
(Linkara charges up the BFG and fires it at the camera; the video cuts off to static)
(End credits roll)
Sadly I don't have any two-part episodes planned for quite a while, so that shooting sequence will have to count as a "Previously On" segment for a while.
(Stinger: To dramatic music, Mechakara walks into the room. He sees Linkara's magic gun lying on the ground, having been thrown away by Linkara. Mechakara walks over toward the gun, but the real Linkara picks it up first. Mechakara backs away)
Mechakara: Not yet. But soon enough...