Doom's IV #1/2
March 1, 2010
Half as good as the last Doom’s IV issue that I reviewed. Considering that one sucked to high heaven, you can imagine how crappy this one is.
(Open on Linkara hanging his head and repeatedly slapping himself with his hat. It seems as though he is not looking forward to the comic to be critiqued. He looks up)
Linkara: (full-on sarcasm mode) Gather 'round, kids, it's story time! Once upon a time, there was a comic called "Doom's IV", it sucked, the end. Oh, but of course, that's not the end, because a naive young comic reviewer found one issue and decided to review it for his second episode!
(A montage of shots of that comic is shown)
Linkara (v/o): Oh, and then the letters page for that comic drove him mad because people actually said that the half-assed scribbles and black ink lines randomly shaken around the pages and the bizarre poses and anatomy were awesome! "Doom's IV" was an early Image comic. In other news, water is wet and paper is thin. But thankfully, my fans were happy enough to fill in some of the details that I didn't have when I reviewed issue number 2. Apparently, the thing was actually sold to Amblin Entertainment to be made into a feature film, and the comic was the tie-in to start grabbing interest. However, when the comic hit the stands, Marvel threw a fit because of the purported Fantastic Four parallels, and the movie deal fell through. Personally, I don't see it. Yeah, I see a few similar words, and I guess Brick could be considered the team's version of the Thing, but the key difference between the two, and the points that can't be stressed enough, is that the Fantastic Four doesn't suck!
(Cut to a shot of the cover to be reviewed today)
Linkara (v/o): Anyway, today, we're looking at "Doom's IV #1/2", which is up there with issue 0 in terms of absolutely stupid numbering for comics! What the hell is up with the marketing in the '90s?
(Cut to 90s Kid standing there)
90s Kid: Duuuuuude! I just got my hands on "Blood Spit Fire Gun #3/4"! (holds up three fingers in one hand and four fingers in the other as he says them) It's almost as radical as "Spit Gun Blood Fire #0.65492"! (makes a two sign with his hand)
Linkara: I'm sorry, but what the hell is a 1/2 issue anyway? Am I only getting half of issue 1? I mean, at least zero is a concept within actual numerical representation. I'm holding a frickin' fraction here!
(Cut back to 90s Kid again)
90s Kid: It's like I took a comic, (puts hands together) and... (pulls hands away) I pulled it in half! It's like symmetrical hardcore!
Linkara (v/o): Anyway, I don't know why I'm complaining. It's not like it actually was sold in stores. See, one-half issues tend to be packaged up with magazines, particularly Wizard Magazine, probably the most well-known comic magazine, and subsequently, the one that can be the most face-palmingly awful, but we're not here to talk about Wizard.
Linkara: (holds up "Doom's IV #1/2") So let's dig into "Doom's IV #1/2" and get this over with.
(Title sequence plays, followed by title card; cut to a closeup of the comic's cover)
Linkara (v/o): Wow, it's been a while since we saw this team, hasn't it? It's like coming back home to family. Weird, distorted, badly-drawn family. I mean, look at this! Even ignoring the dime-a-dozen group shot, the three front characters all have legs that are longer than the rest of their bodies, and in fact, Burns got it worst. I mean, look at those things! If she stood up straight, she'd be taller than Brick. Grimm's half-mask still looks stupid. Actually, what this does remind me of...
(Cut to a shot of a cover for a DC comic called "Trinity", which shows a character called Enigma wearing a half-mask as well)
Linkara (v/o): ...is a character from DC's "maxiseries" "Trinity" named Engima, except his half-mask wasn't armored; it was actual technology, and the fact that he wasn't an overmuscled freak gave it a unique look.
(Cut back to the "Doom's IV" comic)
Linkara (v/o): Here, it's just par for the course in EXTREEEEEME!! Oh, and remember how in "Doom's IV #2", I was always commenting on how Slyder's legs kept disappearing? Well, as it turns out, his ability is to become transparent and ethereal, as demonstrated on the cover.
Linkara: So what I thought was bad art was really just his powers! Wait, no, it's still bad art.
Linkara (v/o): And what the hell is going on with their feet? This is beyond Liefeld-style pointy feet; this is friggin' stick figures now! I accept this from a cartoon where anatomy isn't supposed to resemble real human beings, but you can't have detailed-looking human beings and then make their feet into breadsticks. What I also love is a little hologram sticker that certifies this as a "Wizard Authentic".
Linkara: Just consider for a second how sad a person would have to be to try to make and sell duplicates of "Doom's IV".
Linkara (v/o): We open to a splash page of the villain Cyber-Idol looking like he's yelling when really, it's just that they wanted to open with something that looks dynamic, but instead just make it look stupid. Now, open your mouth and say, "Ah!"
Cyber-Idol: (narrating) The secrets of your flesh will be secrets no longer...
Linkara: (holding up wrist and touching it) How's my driving? Call 191...
Linkara (v/o): Oh, and by the way, like "Titans #1", a good chunk of this book is made up of two-page spreads or splash pages. You'd think that it'd make it easier to read, but to me, that just means they had more space to fill with unnecessary and horrid artwork. So now, we get a two-page spread of the team doing random hitting and shooting, while their musculature is so overblown, you'd think they were parade balloons. Oh, and Burn's impossible feet make a reappearance, along with her legs spread so far out, you'd think her mouth is open because of her screams of pain.
Cyber-Idol: (narrating) But for today, fight! Fight with all the fury of your damned souls!
Linkara: (as Cyber-Idol) Yes, fight against me! Resist my efforts to crush you because... um... um... I am Cyber-Idol!
Cyber-Idol: (narrating) Dream the dream of your never approaching tomorrow!
Linkara (v/o): So, in other words, dream the impossible dream. Should we be willing to march into Hell for a heavenly cause while we're at it?
Cyber-Idol: (narrating) Be all that is noblest and best in your vile humanity today!
Linkara: So Cyber-Idol is not so much a villain as he is a motivational speaker.
Cyber-Idol: (narrating) For it will end here! You will be mine once again!
Linkara: (as Cyber-Idol) I will collect the whole set! (holds up two fingers close together like he's holding something) I've got a coupon and everything!
Cyber-Idol: (narrating) I was once a man... once fouled like you. But now, I am MORE!
Linkara: (as Cyber-Idol) Now I'm Mac compliant!
Cyber-Idol: (narrating) I will span thousands of lifetimes and sculpt futures unfathomable!
Linkara: (as Cyber-Idol) In one future, people will have gigantic heads and travel through time and have skyscrapers filled with electronic nucleo-computers!
Linkara (v/o): Time for a series of splash pages that serve as bios for the main characters. First up is Grimm, who seems to be holding escrima sticks... I think. His fist are completely closed and the sticks are right next to his arms, so I don't know what the hell is going on.
Text box: Grimm, AKA: No alias. Age: Unknown. Status: Unknown. Occupation: Unknown. Not exposed.
Linkara: And trust me, we're all very happy that he's not exposing himself right now.
Cyber-Idol: (narrating) I will venture into the stars where galaxies will be my playground!
(Cut to a clip of the movie Battlefield Earth)
Terl: When you were still learning how to spell your name, I was being trained to conquer galaxies!
(Cut back to the comic)
Text box: Jason Vanderveer, AKA: Slyder.
Linkara (v/o): And before you ask, no, there will be no "because poor literacy is kewl" in this episode; it would become very overused very quickly with all the names being thrown around.
Text box: Status: single.
Linkara: With that outfit and that beard? I can't imagine why.
Linkara (v/o): Next, of course, is Burn. Dear Lord, put her in "22 Brides", and she'd fit right in with the stilt-legged women in that one!
Cyber-Idol: (narrating) I will become God! The creator and the father of countless new beings of countless new worlds!
Linkara: Big whoop, I can do that by playing Spore.
Cyber-Idol: (narrating) But first, my resources must be strengthened, the resistance crushed...
Linkara: (as Cyber-Idol) Which is why I'm going to let them fight and resist! (beat) Wait...
Cyber-Idol: (narrating) My destiny is clear. My vision is focused.
Linkara: (as Cyber-Idol) My... Wait, wait, my vision is going out of focus. Wait, letting the auto-focus take over. Just a second... Okay, now my vision is focused.
Linkara (v/o): So, to sum up, "I am the next stage of humanity, I will rule the world, of course," blah, blah, blah.
Cyber-Idol: (narrating) Man will be a distant abstraction...another failed experiment of evolution!
Linkara: Just so this is clear to people, evolution is about improving a species. There is no such thing as a "failed experiment of evolution". You cannot evolve yourself to death, nor does evolution have a predestined path. And this dumbass was obviously born as a person, so simply adding cybernetic grafts and tubes and crap just means you've changed your own body, not evolved it.
Cyber-Idol: (narrating) You cannot resist me...for I am your incubus!
Linkara: Eww! An incubus is like a male succubus. I can resist you, dude, trust me. I think you crossed a few wires in your brain.
Cyber-Idol: (narrating) As the last of the life spills from your bodies...your shattered delusions will be the daybreak that thrusts you from your dreams!
Linkara: (staring, utterly dumbfounded) Wha...?
Linkara (v/o): And so, the story ends with him declaring he will rule the world, as if that wasn't made clear. Dear Lord, this was pointless! This was like a number 1/10! There's no story here, it's just a friggin' monologue!
(Cut to a shot of a certificate of authenticity from Wizard Press. Seriously)
Linkara (v/o): Oh, but of course, there's all the extras that came along with this thing. Why, there's our official certificate of authenticity, to certify that my copy is really the one distributed by Wizard Magazine.
Linkara: (holding up certificate, totally deadpan) Wow. Now I can prove to people that I own a real copy of this garbage. I feel so proud.
Linkara (v/o): Also, there's an article all about "Doom's IV", and yes, I read all of it, so now you have to suffer along with me. According to Rob Liefeld, "I think superheroes are like cereal."
Linkara: (confused) Superheroes sometimes contain raisins and marshmallows?
Linkara (v/o): (reading) "You may put bananas and sugar on yours and I may have mine plain. It's two different kinds of cereal, and we like it two different kinds of ways. It's the same thing with comic book characters."
Linkara: Oh, sure! Stuff like Blue Beetle or Booster Gold are like Frosted Flakes. Stuff like "Doom's IV" is like a box of ten-year-old Froot Loops that's been left outside for a week while it's raining everyday and then dug through by various animals and insects.
Linkara (v/o): In the article, he also refutes the "'Doom's IV' is like the Fantastic Four" thing, and for once, I have to agree, since, besides for the superficial name stuff, they really don't have anything in common. We learn some more about the characters, like our old pal Grimm. He's a time traveler from the future.
Linkara: Big-headed dumbasses in ugly jumpsuits? SCI-Spy? Grimm and his stupid armor? I've said it once before and I'll say it again: the future is dumb!
Linkara (v/o): Oh, and we're also told that Slyder is unable to touch anything: "He's like Patrick Swayze's character in the film Ghost."
Linkara: So he's gonna hang out with Whoopi Goldberg and then have a disturbing, quote-unquote, ("air quote") "romantic" scene involving a pottery wheel?
Linkara (v/o): They also tell us that Burn, because her powers make her burn anything she touches, will be the only one to interact with Slyder, and they fall for each other because she can't burn him, which doesn't match up to what we saw in number 2, but whatever. Also, this "gives Slyder a reason to try harder than ever to get control of this terrible thing that's happened to him. He wants to solidify himself because he wants to be able to touch Burn..."
Linkara: Say, how about actually let us read the book and be surprised by plot developments, instead of spoiling the whole damn thing for us!
Linkara (v/o): Liefeld declares that his intention with "Doom's IV" is to "flat-out have fun. He wants the series to be different from the grim and gritty comics which tend to overpopulate the comic shelves these days."
(Linkara stares in open-mouthed shocked)
Linkara (v/o): You just spent half the article talking about how Brick is emo about what happened to him, how Burn and Slyder are depressed by their inability to touch anything, and there's a character named Grimm, who flies a GRIMM JET! Maybe this was meant to be fun to a manic depressive! Oh, and get this: we don't get to have an origin story, because contractual obligations prevented him revealing it before the movie was supposed to come out in 1996. Great, even if the stupid movie had been made, it would have been two years before anyone knew what the hell was going on! Oh, and Steve Spielberg was apparently attached to this. Dear Lord, to think that the guy behind Jaws could have sunk this low! There is some justice in the world! Liefeld describes Spielberg as "someone who's very much like many of us in his love for the medium of comics. 'He wears several hats, but the hat that he's wearing every time I see him is that of a comic book guy.'"
Linkara: And now you know where (points to hat on his head) I stole this from.
Linkara (v/o): In the next section, Liefeld apparently thinks "issue 0" should be all about the origin of a character, that having "issue 1" is just boring. Yeah, because how a character got to where they are isn't that important. No, just have lots of action that tells us nothing about the character, that's the way to go. (reads) "It's kind of a modernized version of Image's 1963, because 'Doom's IV' takes place now."
Linkara: Yyyyeah, "1963" was a miniseries written by Alan friggin' Moore that spoofed the Silver Age. This is a dumb mid-'90s comic that Rob Liefeld couldn't even be bothered to write or draw.
Linkara (v/o): (reading) "...but the whole feel of the book is very Lee/Kirby or Lee/Buscema."
Linkara: (frustrated) Have you ever even looked at a comic from 1963, Rob?!
Linkara (v/o): The comic itself closes out with original sketches for some of the characters, as well as the fact that "The Doom's IV" was originally called "The Doomons". "The Doomons".
Linkara: Come on, Rob! That couldn't have even sounded remotely good to you! (holds up comic and holds it up) This comic sucks! The story isn't even a story, the article is full of bullcrap, and someone once thought that it should be called "Doomans"! Sometimes I really hate this job! (throws down comic, gets up and leaves)
(Meanwhile, at an undisclosed location just down the hall... Dr. Linksano is seen)
Dr. Linksano: (cackles) Oh, just you wait, Linkara. If you hate your job now, wait until I get through with you! (giggles crazily) Now, to see what sort of evil things my counterpart in this universe has been up to...
(Ten minutes later... Dr. Linksano is infuriated)
Dr. Linksano: DAMN THAT INSANO!! HE INVENTED THE ANTI-MAGIC FIELD GENERATOR KIT BEFORE I COULD! And he even managed to get that (?) thing to work! Oh, mark my words: there's only room in this universe for one truly mad scientist, and as soon I DESTROY LINKARA, I'LL–
(Suddenly, he is interrupted by a knock at the door)
Pollo: (at the door) Some of us are trying to sleep around here! Keep your megalomaniacal rants to yourself!
Linkara: Pollo, who the hell are you talking to?
(Dr. Linksano becomes nervous, fearing they're onto him)
Pollo: I don't know, whoever is living in the storage room.
Linkara: What? Oh, damn it! 90s Kid, I told you to stop crashing here! You leave me no choice! Pollo, activate the fumigation security system!
(Dr. Linksano becomes terrified as gas starts wafting into the room)
Dr. Linksano: Uh-oh...
(End credits roll)
Man of La Mancha and Doom's IV: One is an epic tale of madness, chivalry, and striving for the impossible.
The other is Doom's IV.
Speaking of which, adding a roman numeral instead of the number 4 makes this even stupider.
(Stinger: A panel of Cyber-Idol's monologue is shown again)
'Cyber-Idol: (narrating) I was once a man... once fouled like you. But now, I am MORE!
(Cut to a clip of Star Wars: Return of the Jedi, showing a holographic version of Obi-Wan Kenobi)
Obi-Wan: He's more machine now than man.