August 7, 2018
(The Channel Awesome logo and the title sequence are shown, then open on Devil Boner and Benny the Assassin playing a video game, yelling inaudibly as they do, cheered on by NC; they are playing DOOM)
NC: (quickly) Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic; I remember it so you don't have to. Every once in a while, you just gotta relive a classic game, and for us, that game is DOOM!
(Footage of the game is shown)
NC (vo): One of the best first-person shooters ever, (the cover art is shown) DOOM premiered in 1993, following a lone space marine on Mars who has to fight off demons from Hell. It's as bare-bones bloody as it gets, and it kicks ass to revisit it again.
(Suddenly, Hyper Fangirl walks in)
HFG: And it's about to get a whole lot better! (holds up a cover reading: DOOM: The Game of the Movie)
DB: Whatcha got there, devil horn?
Benny: DOOM: The Movie: The Game?
DB: Is it any good?
HFG: It has to be. The movie had The Rock and R rating and rapid gunfire.
DB: Ooh, the three sacred Rs!
Benny: Did you ever see it?
HFG: No, but a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend (NC looks confused) of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend did.
HFG: He didn't like it. But it's the game version; what's to screw up?
NC: Did you ever play Street Fighter: The Movie of the Game?
HFG: No, but a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend–
NC: Just put it in!
HFG: Okay. (does so)
Benny: Let's kill some Hell demons!
DB, Benny and HFG: (in unison) YEAH!
(The game starts and we see the first level of the original game, only darker, with the face of the main character of the movie, John "Reaper" Grim, played by Karl Urban, below, a slower version of "Demons on the Prey" and no demons. NC's excitement starts to fade away, as the game continues as the player goes through a door to only some corpses lying around and still no demons. HFG's, DB's and Benny's excitement starts to fade, too)
Benny (vo): There doesn't seem to be a whole lot of monsters.
DB: Hm, maybe there would, if they would just turn the damn lights on.
HFG: (excited again) Oh, there's one!
(An infected soldier appears with a different version of "The Imp's Song" playing to that, but when Benny shoots him, the music turns back to "Demons on the Prey" with no more enemies around. DB loses his composure)
HFG: (annoyed) Is that it?
Benny: Not very eventful.
HFG: (after a beat) Wait, there's another one!
(All three are getting excited again, but once this enemy is dead, too, it again goes back to the dull exploration)
HFG: (gets frustrated again) Hmm, back to walking.
DB: You know, you'd think the forces of Hell would have a little bit more variety in their offense.
Benny: They do.
HFG: (excited again) A scientist! Shoot her!
(We see a female scientist in front of our protagonist, starting to talk with the player, indicated by a text box stating "What would you like to know?" When Benny tries to shoot at her, indicated by a loud button press, nothing happens)
Benny (vo): I can't.
HFG: Wait, you're supposed to ask her questions?
Benny (vo): I think it's more of a mystery than a shoot 'em up.
DB: Anyone noticed DOOM: The Movie: The Game kinda sucks?
HFG: Oh, we'll ask her where all the Hell spawn is.
Scientist (Tamara): (Her answers appear in the text box) There are no Hell spawn here. Hell is a metaphor for our current predicament.
(DB, Benny and HFG throw up their arms and give a disappointed roar)
Scientist: But we do have zombies, that's kind of cool. Shoot the dead people so they don't come back to life.
DB: So you are supposed to shoot non-moving people that are already dead?!
HFG (vo): Even Jesus couldn't heal how lame this is!
Benny: Wait, there is The Rock.
(Asher "Sarge" Mahonin, played by Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, appears in the game, but he also only talks to the player)
Sarge (Malcolm): (His sentences also appear in the text box) I am turning into an evil demon.
DB: Ah, now we're talking.
(All of them are getting excited again, until they realize "turning into an evil demon" means getting yellow glowing eyes and nothing else)
Sarge (Malcolm): There! I'm an evil demon now!
(The three throw their heads up, give another disappointed roar and are fed up with the game)
HFG: What the hell?! This is supposed to be red-meat chewing mayhem!
DB: (to NC) Tell me the movie isn't this dull.
NC: Alright. The movie isn't this dull.
DB: (satisfied) Oh, good.
NC, Benny and HFG: It's even duller.
(DB looks shocked. The title of the 2005 movie is shown before going to its clips)
NC (vo): In a continuing pattern of video game movies sucking pixel ass, Doom should've been the easiest crowd pleaser to make. You got The Rock, gore and a premise about shooting demons from Hell on Mars. You have to try to make this uninteresting. But, oddly enough, we got an adaptation that's both not faithful enough and yet somehow too faithful. It's an intriguing disaster that deserves to be explored.
NC: (goes to sit in his chair) So, let's see why Doom is dumb. This is...
(We cut back to the game)
Sarge: Would you like to use the BFG?
DB, Benny and HFG: YES!
Sarge: You may fire it twice at a wall...and then never again.
DB: Son of a...
(All three of them pull out their guns and aim in the direction of the camera to fire at the game)
(Gunshots can be heard and NC turns his head in their direction. The movie starts with...a black screen that is slowly turning into a star filled universe)
NC (vo): Weirdly, it prolongs the Universal logo to give us this incredibly important information.
Samantha Grimm (Rosamund Pike): (narrating) Archeologists working in the Nevada desert discovered a portal to an ancient city on Mars. We're still struggling to understand why it was build.
NC: (whispering) Could it have something to do with the spice?
(We see the usual Universal logo, but this time it's rolling above Mars and not Earth)
NC: (confused) Okay, was that essential to put before the studio ID? It's like starting off Jurassic Park with...
(Cut to a raptor in front of a tropical forest background)
Raptor (Doug): DINOSAURS ARE A THING.
(Immediate cut to the Universal logo seen in Jurassic Park)
NC: Who am I kidding? With the route they're going, (poster of Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom is shown) they might do that.
(The first scene of the movie shows an architectural structure on Mars. We zoom inside the facility and see some people, most likely scientists, running away from an unknown creatures while some of them are getting caught by them)
NC (vo): We start out on Mars and...so far it seems on the right path. With scientists running from some sort of evil presence.
Female scientist: Dr. Carmack!
(Dr. Carmack, played by Robert Russell, starts to activate the closing mechanism for the security gate instead of waiting that the woman reaches him in time. The gate closes right in front of her)
Female scientist: Dr. Carmack! Dr. Carmack!
NC: (as Carmack while a security gate starts closing in front of him) Now, who regrets taking the last donut this morning?
(The female scientist puts her left arm through the almost closed gate, which gets caught and crushed by the gate. Whatever was chasing her catches up to her, starts to attack her, which leaves her arm separated inside Carmack's lab with her blood splattered on the gate. Carmack looks in horror to that, while NC looks surprised by this introduction to the movie)
NC: (shakes his body, knowing that the rest of the movie mostly sucks) How do you gonna screw this up?
NC (vo): This is like the perfect opening to a DOOM film.
Dr. Carmack: (sends a message for help) This is Dr. Carmack, Classified Research, Olduvai, ID 6627.
NC: (as Carmack) I fear I made a game where the movie Event Horizon will be a better adaptation.
(We then cut to a dark corridor with the caption "Marine Corps Special OPS RRTS Headquarters Twentynine Palms, California, USA" in the lower center before seeing GySgt Asher "Sarge" Mahonin's sitting on computer. The camera zooms in on his shirtless back)
NC (vo): We cut to Earth, where The Rock plays a space marine who's so built, even the camera seems to get lost in his packs.
Commander: (over headset) ...UAC property. Maintain quarantine at both Ark portals by any means necessary.
NC: Christ, I think the camera is fogging up...
(The scene plays again with fog added on its lower half)
NC (vo): ...from the heavy breathing the camera operator is giving.
NC: (takes out his phone) Actually, who was the camera operator on this?
(He opens the IMDb page of the movie and is shocked to see that the camera operator was Hyper Fangirl [replacing John Bailie's name]. NC, Benny and DB look at her in confusion)
HFG: You sneak on set to get footage of a celebrity that you're stalking, and they credit you. (laughs)
(We see the rest of Sarge's squad in their quarters. Two of them are playing baseball and one of them, Sgt. Gregory "Duke" Schofield, played by Razaaq Adoti, is playing a video game and nearly gets hit by an orange)
NC (vo): We see his crew of marines who are totally gonna live long lives, as they partake in the most advanced of futuristic handheld gaming...Tiger Electronics*.
- Galaxian 2 was not made by Tiger Electronics. It was developed by Entex Industries, a famous toy and electronic game manufacturer
Gregory "Duke" Schofield (Razaaq Adoti): You're trying to get nasty now, huh? No, you- No, you dead. You dead, sucker.
NC: (as Duke) Don't bother me, man. I'm playing Duck Goes Up and Down on 90's cellphone!
NC (vo): You know a movie's in trouble when it's based on a game and they can't get games right*.
- Galaxian 2 is a handheld port of the arcade game Galaxian. And taking into account that most ports of arcade games are considered video games, this comment was unwarranted
(Sarge has entered the quarters and is standing on the stairs)
Sarge: Listen up, men. (Duke turns to him) The leave is cancelled.
Duke: Oh, man.
Sarge: You got a problem with that, Duke?
Duke: Me, Sarge? Hell, no, I love my job.
NC: (as Duke) But I was just five seconds away from retirement. That's literally...
(A frame of a well-dressed man with wife and kids is edited in the quarters scene)
NC (vo): ...retirement right there, coming towards me with my future beautiful wife and kids.
NC: (still as Duke) Oh, well, I guess one more mission is gonna kill me... I mean, is gonna kill me...I mean- Why can't I say the word "isn't"?
NC (vo): He is joined by Soldier John Grimm, played by Karl Urban, who acknowledges his sister is on the Mars station that they're heading towards.
Sarge: (sitting in an elevator across John) How long has it been?
Reaper: (slightly depressed) Ten years.
Sarge: You sure she's even still up there?
NC: (waves his hand in a dismissive manner) It's not that. He's just terrified of space travel, remember?
(John's scenes are switched with dialogue from Urban's Leonard McCoy from Star Trek (2009))
Leonard McCoy: Any tiny crack in our hull and our blood boils in thirteen seconds. I may throw up on you.
NC: (turns to the side) Jokes on...
(The next frame shows three of Urban's other characters he has played: Judge Dredd from the 2012 remake Dredd, Éomer from The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, and Skurge from Thor: Ragnarok. Dredd's frame jumps a bit forward)
NC (vo): ...Judge Dredd, Éomer and Skurge, be ready.
NC: You could be needed at any time.
Reaper: I guess you gotta face your demons sometimes.
(Cut to Sarge's face before a siren goes on and the room turns red in an unsubtle way)
NC: (nods unsurprised) That's Doom's idea of symbolism, huh? You know, it was gonna be followed up with...
NC (vo): I think we should be more environmentally safe. (Cut to Sarge and the siren, but this time the room is covered in a green light) I'm just feeling so down. (Now the room turns blue) I'm afraid I might chicken out. (Now yellow) Can this thing go to ludicrous speed? (Now into the plaid design of the ludicrous speed from Spaceballs)
(The squad is ready and armed, standing in a pose mostly used for movie posters. After that we see the inside of the UAC facility)
NC (vo): They do their Expendables pose and go inside the UAC facility. UAC.
NC: That's the sound Bayou Billy makes before he dies.
(The footage from the game The Adventures of Bayou Billy is shown, showing the titular character grunting and losing a life. Back to the movie, the squad waits for the teleporter to get ready. The teleporter is a water-like ball flowing out of a hole in the ground and consuming the person who wants to teleport, spitting them out on the other side)
NC (vo): So it turns out the portal to Mars is the exact same as Galaxy Quest. A cartoon splooch consuming you and physically throwing you to another planet.
NC: Yeah, word of advice, if you...
NC (vo): ...can see (shot of...) The Great Gazoo traveling the same way...
NC: ...it's probably not gonna be taken that seriously.
(All of the marines have arrived safely in the Mars station, with just one of them, Private Mark "The Kid" Dantalian (Al Weaver) throwing up)
NC (vo): And here we are: Mars. (beat) Looks exactly like the set we were just on. Like, no difference.
(A frame from the facility on Earth is edited in the upper right corner, showing that the general design of the room is similar to the Mars facility, only a little bit brighter)
NC: By God. You change the light bulbs, and suddenly, (mocking voice, waves his fingers beside his head) you travel through space. (Normal voice) Ooh, ooh, let me show you my rocketship!
(His "rocketship" is a cardboard box located in the backroom of the studio, where all the costumes and props are stored. The cardboard box has a childish rocketship painted on the side with an edding. NC sits excited in the cardboard box, pretending to be an astronaut)
NC: I'M IN SPACE!
(One marine, named Marcus "Pinky" Pinzerowsky (Dexter Fletcher), appears, shown to be handicapped and riding in some sort of a cycle)
NC (vo): But it looks like not everyone who used the portal, or Ark travel, as they call it, had a successful ride in the past.
Reaper: He went to one galaxy, his ass went to another.
Pinky: Unbelievable as it may seem, UAC does make the odd tiny mistake.
NC: (hand resting on cheek) How didn't nobody make a Uranus joke? (reaches out the hand to the camera) Your "so bad, it's good writing" card, please!
NC (vo): They quarantine the area, which apparently means creeper immunity is temporarily lowered.
(Corporal Dean Portman, played by Richard Brake, walks up to some of the female scientists)
Portman: We're under a Level 5 quarantine, so I am just gonna have to strip search you girls.
NC: (shrugs, chuckling) Rapists!
(Reaper's sister, Dr. Samantha Grimm, comes up to the marines)
NC (vo): They come across Dr. Grimm who was assigned to retrieve data from her lab.
Reaper: We really don't have room for passengers.
Sam: I have orders to retrieve data from three servers.
Reaper: This is a military operation, Doctor. We're really not here to retrieve your science homework.
NC: (as Reaper, doing "the smoulder") Listen to my eyebrows. They know what they're talking about.
Sarge: Is this gonna spoil my day?
Reaper: No, sir.
Duke: (looking aside playfully) Tell me you didn't let a fine-looking piece of ass like that get away from you, Reaper.
NC: I know he's talking about her, but his eyes are on The Rock.
Duke: Tell me you didn't let a fine-looking piece of ass like that get away from you, Reaper.
Reaper: She's my sister.
Duke: No shit.
NC: (as Duke) The Rock's your sister? (scoffs) You'd think you know a woman.
(The marines search for the survivors in the facility, armed with impressive-looking guns)
NC (vo): So, I'll give credit, they get to the gun hunting pretty fast, again, making you think they're gonna just jump right into the action and gore. But it might be hard to see, as, apparently, this lab doesn't believe in any goddamn lights. And no, it's not that they're out, there are literally no lights to be found anywhere! (Multiple arrows point around the dark facility)
NC: Why do scientists in movies never want to see their science? (Dr. Nekhrovich from Mission: Impossible 2 and Dr. Jekyll from the 1931 film Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde are shown)
(Cut to Reaper speaking with Sam in her lab)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, John hangs with her sister so they can pointlessly bicker like...well, whiny siblings.
(Reaper observes a skeleton under a glass)
Sam: Oh, yeah, meet Lucy. Lucy, this is my brother John, another creature from the long-lost past.
NC: (as Sam) Thanks for protecting me while I do my research, ass!
Sam: (presses a button on a keyboard to display data on a computer) This is Lucy's chromosome profile.
Reaper: My molecular genetics is a little rusty.
Sam: What's the first thing Dad taught us to look for?
NC: ...His beer?
Sam: Does it ever bother you you could've spent your life looking in a microscope instead of a sniper scope?
NC (vo): I don't even get why they hate each other. This is the backstory we're given.
(Cut to a scene from before)
Sarge: Reaper's parents led the first team of archeologists to Olduvai. They died in some accident when he was a kid. She followed in their footsteps, and he didn't.
NC: So why does that mean they attack each other every other second?
NC (vo): Their parents are dead, but they're both doing honorable work. Maybe they're in a contest of who can do the most awkward American accent.
Reaper: She's got 24 pairs of chromosomes.
Sam: We found no genetic disorders, no viruses, no cancers.
Reaper: So what, they were just naturally superior?
Sam: See, the earliest remains we found only had 23.
NC: (as Reaper, in an obvious British accent) We're bloody brilliant Americans, we ares!
Sam: That's a long word for a marine.
NC: (as Sam) Again, thanks for the protection, dick!
(We're back to the marines, including Reaper, searching through the facility while the fast music plays)
NC (vo): Okay, the music's amped up. Now we're getting some action!
(Portman and Goat hide to the sides of the destroyed metal door)
Portman: Fucking door has been ripped open.
Goat: There's something in Carmack's office.
NC: ...You think?!
NC (vo): The giant hold on the metal door draws that conclusion quite clearly, you dumbass.
(Reaper flashes a light around and discovers an injured and traumatized Dr. Carmack, who is holding a hand of the female scientist who wasn't able to get there in time)
Reaper: Don't move.
NC: (shivers) Newt has not aged well.
(Sam shows up, much to Reaper's chagrin)
Sam: Dr. Carmack, it's me, Samantha.
NC (vo; as Sam): Come on, guys, give him a hand.
(The audience boos)
NC: No regrets. (changes his usual hat to a cap that says "Pun Life" and lowers his head in shame)
NC (vo): They recognize him as the doctor, but he's clearly not well Mike Tyson-ing himself.
(Carmack rips his own ear off before we cut to The Kid and Portman controlling one part of the complex)
Portman: Guy like Carmack...he tears off his own ear? It's shit like that that gets under your skin.
NC: (smiling) Gotta love those marines that undermine one another.
The Kid: Do you have any? I'm just a little shook up. I need something to get my focus, man.
(Portman takes out some drugs)
NC (vo): Oh, and get high mid-mission.
(Cut to another part of the complex where Reaper is patrolling together with "Goat" (Ben Daniels). Goat then carves a cross in his own skin in front of a confused Reaper)
Goat: I took His name in vain.
NC (vo): Oh, and react to taking the Lord's name in vain by carving the Lord's name in veins.
NC: Immortan Joe had a more balanced army!
(Cut back to the research facility where Sam is taking care of Dr. Carmack with her co-worker Dr. Jenna Willits (Sara Houghten))
Sam: You okay?
Willits: Did they find the others?
Sam: Not yet.
Willits: My husband is with them.
Sam: I'm sure Steve's fine.
NC: (confused) Who's Steve? Who are you?
(A mutating scientist is shown eating some organs)
NC (vo): Maybe this is Steve. Maybe he'll finally give us some good action...or he's dead.
(He gets shot by the marines and flies backwards into a desk)
NC (vo): Well, alright, there is something in the vents. That has to lead to some badass violence.
(The only thing in the vents is a monkey, who scares "Destroyer" (DeObia Oparei). This is followed by a clip of Bowser in Super Mario Bros.: The Movie)
Bowser (Dennis Hopper): A monkey!
(Both Destroyer and Sarge shot at the vents for a few seconds)
Sarge: (reaches Destroyer a hand) What was that?
Destroyer: A monkey.
NC: God, they even try to take something so obviously lame and try to make it sound intimidating!
Sarge: (reaches Destroyer a hand) What was that?
Destroyer: A monkey.
NC: (as Destroyer) He took me through his...monkey rap.
(The Monkey Rap from Donkey Kong 64 plays in the background faintly)
Singer: DK. Donkey Kong.
NC (vo): Once again, something moves, they shoot, and rock music comes back for a couple seconds before turning completely off.
(Reaper and his teammate shot at a creature, miss it and find a violently open vent in the floor)
Reaper: All units, all units. Southeast corridor, near the med lab.
NC (vo): And, once again, that didn't go the shit, so let's get back to the scientist we're out of nowhere supposed to care about.
(Back to Sam and Willtis)
Sam: Now go on, go on. Be with your daughter.
Willtis: I want to stay.
Sam: Steve is gonna be okay. The guys looking for him are the best.
NC (vo; as Sam): That's right. The pervy, drug-taking, cross-carving best.
(We are shown Reaper and The Kid in another tunnel)
Reaper: (to The Kid) Are you high?
The Kid: (obviously high) What? (laughs, while Reaper sighs)
NC: (Makes a hand gesture that says "Go away") You know, you should go just to get away from them.
NC (vo): The Van Gogh-inspired doctor disappears while our marines are searching for... (sighs) friggin' anything.
(They search in the sewers of the facility, as Portman falls into the water)
NC: (excited) All right, here we go!
Sarge: Portman, what the hell happened?
Portman: I fell in the damn hole.
Sarge: Everybody, on me. Watch your goddamn footing!
NC: (loses his excitement and shakes his head in disbelief) DOOM: (game logo is edited in) We have holes! Watch your goddamn footing!
NC (vo): Finally, they come across something supernatural.
(Goat sees a pair of eyeballs staring right at him in the pitch-black darkness)
NC (vo; as Pennywise from It (2017)): Hiya, Georgie.
(Goat gets attacked and bitten by a multi-eyed, human-like creature before the marines start to hunt that creature)
NC (vo): But again, the action is friggin' short, as it just takes a bite out of cross-cutter, and they lose him in the lab.
(After bringing Goat and the creature that attacked him to Sam's lab, Sarge notices Carmack's disappearance from the daybed)
Sarge: Where the hell's Carmack?
Sam: He disappeared.
Sarge: What do you mean, he disappeared?
NC: (as Sam) Well, I was gonna radio you guys to let you know, but... (throws his hands) things.
NC (vo): Actually, the funny thing is, as people are getting worse with the virus, the scientist seems to be getting worse with her acting. She slowly starts to slump in some very odd line delivery.
(Sam pulls a blanket off the tray and discovers a rotten corpse of the multi-eyed creature, much to her shock)
Sam: Oh! God!
NC: It was like the gammage between extreme reaction and absolute nothing in only a second.
Sam: Oh! God!
NC: (as Sam, shocked) Oh... (becomes disinterested) God.
NC (vo): Her lead-in delivery wasn't that great either.
Sarge: You are gonna tell me just what the FUCK is going on up here!
NC: Spoken like a degree-carrying professional.
NC: (as Sam) Heh?
NC: (as Sam) Duh?
NC: (as Sam) Bluh?
(The squad tries to find more of the creatures, while Sam, upon discovering most of the multi-eyed creature's organs are human, goes through her...really weirdly designed door and wanders though the facility to seek for help)
NC (vo): While the soldiers search for answers, the scientist is left behind with her bubble-wrap door.
Sam: Duke? Duke?
(Suddenly, the elevator door opens to scare Sam...but it's just Duke)
Duke: Hey, hey, hey. It's just a power shortage.
NC: Of course! (throws hands up, annoyed) Why should a movie based on constant badass firing have anything but stupid fakeouts and lame short jump scares?!
HFG: (offscreen) Damn straight.
(NC turns his head to his right and sees HFG, Devil Boner and Benny all armed with guns)
HFG: And we're getting sick of it!
Benny: We're gonna shoot the shit out of this movie and its spin-off game.
DB: Let's kill.
(All three yell and aim their guns to the PlayStation device, as a heavy metal music plays)
DB: Evil is gone!
HFG: Look! Over there!
(Yelling, they run to the shelf full of DVDs and Blu-rays in the corner, but they, along with the music, stop)
DB: No, no, it's just a fallen DVD case. Fallen DVD case, everybody.
Benny: False alarm.
HFG: LOOK! Over there!
(They rush to the other side of the room to discover a traumatized-looking man (Jim Jarosz) who is wearing a shirt that says "I do what the voices in my head tell me to." He carves crosses in his hand)
DB: Oh, no, it's just a drugged-out guy who's carving crosses into his arm.
(NC leans back on his chair, looking slightly confused)
Benny: Go ahead, sir.
DB: Yeah. We're totally gonna be safe with you here. (The man walks to the DVD shelf slowly, not changing the expression) Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Right. He'll be okay. He'll be okay.
HFG: WHOA! WHAT'S OVER THERE?!
(They yell and run into the center of the room...to stop with the BGM)
DB: Aw, no, it's just air.
HFG: Oh, my...
DB: Air, everybody.
(NC puts his hand on his cheek, becoming tired of it)
Benny: This is very exciting, though.
HFG: It is! It's like 19% exciting on Rotten Tomatoes. (looks at the camera) Whoa! Look, over there!
(All three yell and run close to the camera...and shoot it! Cut to black)
DB (vo): Oh, it's just the cameraman. (Beat) Sorry.
(We go back from a commercial to see Sam and Duke encountering another creature (which, it turns out, is mutated Carmack) and running away from it in the lab)
NC (vo): Duke gets attacked by Pumpkinhead covered in pasta, but they stop him in the bubble-wrap door.
(Sure enough, the creature freezes in the lab entrance as Sam and Duke, embracing themselves, try to think what is happening)
NC: (as Sam) Thank you for saving me, cock!
(Meanwhile, Reaper opens the blinds on the window to see a place on the outside where he lost his parents)
NC (vo): Ooh! This window contains a flashback.
Young John: (only voice heard) No! Mommy!
(A sound of a creature apparently glomping John's parents and a gunshot is heard. Sarge witnesses Reaper getting depressed)
NC: (as Sarge) Could you keep your backstory down? I'm going over my lines for my Hannah Montana cameo. (A shot from the Hannah Montana season 2 episode "Don't Stop Til You Get the Phone" appears, showing The Rock himself dressed as a lady) I'm gonna be doing some weird shit.
NC (vo): In case you're wondering, by the way, this backstory goes nowhere. Yeah. It's like focusing on Batman being allergic to cats. (An edited picture of Michael Keaton's Batman holding a cat is shown) I guess it's kind of interesting, but it doesn't further a goddamn thing. So they keep searching through-
NC: Somebody, make that canon. (This picture appears again next to NC)
NC (vo): So they keep searching through the labs and, again, come across a threat that just quickly runs away.
(Sarge and Reaper shoot off another creature)
Sarge: Moving fast out of the dig! Pinky, what do you see?
(Cut to Pinky watching the security camera footage as Sarge and Reaper return in the hallway)
Pinky: It's big. Very big. Moving fast, back towards the lab complex.
NC: Lord knows numbers aren't used by the military or scientists to describe how big or fast something is.
NC (vo; as Pinky): It's big. Very big. But there's another big thing. Even bigger than the last big thing. My God, a big thing even bigger than the big thing that was bigger than the other big thing! Biiiiig!
NC: Dr. Heinz is more exact than you! (The file photo of Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz from Phineas and Ferb is shown)
(Meanwhile, at the lab, Goat resurrects as Sam and Duke do some research behind the glass)
NC (vo): But it looks like the cross-cutter from before is (imitates Concorde from Monty Python and the Holy Grail) not quite dead, sir.
(The blood-leaking remains of Goat form a cross with his hand)
NC: (as Goat) My god, I'm so religious, I'm Jesus.
NC (vo): And, again, just when you think a cool action scene might take this guy out, he takes his own freaking self out.
(As NC said, the mutating Goat runs towards Sam and Duke, who are on the other side of the window he is heading towards, and runs directly into it. He repeatedly bangs his head against the window, until he drops to the floor, dying from brain damage)
Sam: (deadpan) Goat knew he was turning.
NC: So, yeah, as you probably realized by now, this is just a lame-ass zombie film that's more ashamed to use the word "zombie" than The Walking Dead!
(Sarge uses a disembodied hand to open a security gate that stores the BFG, known by gamers as the "Big Fucking Gun")
NC (vo): Regardless, they do at least try to work in a weapon from the game, one of the most famous guns of all time: the BFG. Oh, yeah, they know to build this shit up. The BFG is such a testosterone enhancer, every gun starts to look like a dick. (A scene of Destroyer is shown with his minigun to prove NC's point) You're a lucky person if you find someone who looks at you the way The Rock looks at the BFG. It looks badass, it fires awesome and, as we all know, BFG stands for... (The display with the information about the BFG shows that the full name of the BFG is, much to NC's confusion...) Bio Force Gu-?
NC: (enraged) SHUT UP! Shut the force up!
NC (vo): You're an R-rated movie! Hell, you can get away with saying it even once in a PG-13 movie! And you go with that shit?! Are you kidding me?! Next, you'll be telling me STFU stands for (A Photoshopped image showing the Teletubbies and a unicorn is shown) Silly Teletubbies Find Unicorns!
NC: (repeatedly putting his hand on his chest) I should not have to tell DOOM to grow a pair!!
(Destroyer and Portman are killed by the mutants. Sarge gets fed up with this and comes close to where the mutated Dr. Carmack is hiding)
NC (vo): But...screw it. If it gets the job done, it gets the job done. After two more men are killed in the dark where we can't see a damn thing, Rock comes in with the (in a goofy voice) Bio Force Gun (normal) to take care of business.
(Portman is being thrown through the floor, hanging upside down inside a toilet chamber, while screaming for his life. This is all seen by Pinky via Portman's gun cam)
Portman: Oh, God! Jesus!
(Pinky chuckles about Portman's suffering, because Portman made fun of him earlier)
NC: (as Pinky) Hmm, that guy's dying. (Beat) I guess I'm a crazy character or something.
(The remaining squad members come in, as a mutated hand lets Portman's dead body falling to the ground. Portman's squad members shoot at it)
NC: (excited) There we go. Fire that sucker!
(Sarge fires an energy blast out of the BFG, hitting the ceiling. the blast destroys a good part of the ceiling, leaving remains of the blast lingering on its impact point. After that, nothing of interest happens, as the squad members stare at the hole)
NC: (expecting more from that scene) Aaaand?
NC (vo): Okay, it looked cool, but it was one shot. And...I don't even think he got the thing. Is that it? Is that it for a while? Really?
NC: (sighs, rubbing his forehead) So, um, not to ruin the dumpster fire of surprises that I'm sure are ahead of us, but, uh... How many more times does...
NC (vo): ... he use that gun in this?
(A caption answers his question with "ONCE MORE")
NC: You know, why don't you just call it Big Friendly Giant?! It'd be about as intimidating!
NC (vo): I bet the jackasses who wrote this are the same jackasses who thought this (The scene of the earthbenders only bending one stone in The Last Airbender is shown) is the most six earthbenders could do! Hell, they both have rocks in them with no personality!
NC: (slams his fists on the desk) That connection is too freaking clear!
(The squad carries the bodies of their fallen comrades back to the research facility)
NC (vo; sighing): Oh, my God, my God, my God, my God... Okay, so Rock drops off two more dead bodies and, once again, tries to get some answers.
(Sarge confronts Sam)
Sarge: What are you people experimenting with up here?
Sam: I told you, it's an archeological research center.
NC: (as Sam) I'm on a diplomatic mission to Alderaan, shithead!
NC (vo; chuckles): And, like I said, the scientist's acting seems to get squeakier and squeakier.
Reaper: What were you sent to protect?
Sam: (distraught) The research data!
NC: (as Sam, monotone) Tell me about this human emotion called human emotion.
(Sarge and Reaper learn that UAC was experimenting on humans using the Martian Chromosome (C24) harvested from the remains of the ancient skeletons, but the mutants got loose, leading to the outbreak)
NC (vo): It looks like they were experimenting on criminals, and now the experiments have gotten out of control.
Sam: We were never gonna do human studies. (holds up a flask with serum and gets shocked) Chromosome 24.
NC: (as Sam) I'm in a movie!
Sam: If he perfected xenogenesis...
Reaper: Don't you get it? It's this place. It's Hell. It always was.
NC (vo): Oh, yeah.
NC: (massages his forehead) You heard that correctly. This is Hell. As in, symbolically Hell!
NC (vo): That's what we want to see in a Doom movie. A place so crazy, it reminds people of Hell. But not...really Hell, just like Hell! I-I-I-It's practically the same thing!
NC: This is the equivalent of telling your children, "Hey, kids! We're going to Disneyland!"
(A picture of two laughing children is shown, along with the photo showing the clenched fist)
NC (vo): "That is... I'm gonna smack you on the head until you see cartoon mice and stars to wish upon!"
NC: "But it's LIKE Disneyland!" (grins) I nailed this.
Reaper: (hands over Portman's walkie-talkie to Sam) You call if you need help, okay? You gonna be all right?
Sam: I'll be fine.
NC: (as Sam) Thank you again, twat!
NC (vo): D'ohhhh, I do hope there's rock music that starts up and instantly disappears.
(After discovering the creatures use the portal and slaughter and mutate most of the research staff into abominations, Sarge orders his the remaining marines to sanitize the entire facility. Duke and Reaper run down the floors to the Ark door, expecting Pinky to launch a grenade at the mutant, as the metal music is heard)
Electronic voice: Five...
(NC, not amused, counts "three, two, one" on his fingers. Duke and Reaper arrive too late and see that Pinky and the mutant are gone, having entered the portal)
Duke: Shit. It got through.
(NC hits the table with his hand in annoyance)
NC (vo): This movie has so little action, the rock music is actually used for running. Not fighting, running. Whenever they run, that's when the music comes in. How pathetic is that for a Doom movie?
NC: (as a marine) Look, there's the monster! Let's get him! (imitates running as a rock music plays, but then both him and the BGM stop) Oh, wait, no, it's just my own projected sense of self-worth. (After a beat, the following appears below NC...) Symbolic Hell! Ooooh!
(Sarge, Reaper, Sam, Duke and The Kid travel back to UAC's Earth facility)
NC (vo): But one other monster seems to have gone through the portal back to Earth so they have to return to...yeah, you guessed it, the exact same set to look over the damage.
(Sarge shoots one of the marines' corpse in the head)
NC (vo): Because they know the dead come back to life, they spend most of their time excitingly shooting already dead people.
(The squad goes down to the research lab, shooting the already dead scientists along the way)
NC: (as a logo of the game appears again) DOOM! Look out! They're not moving!
(Sarge and others explore the trashed-up lab)
Sam: I don't think everyone is infected or even capable of being infected.
NC: Okay, did a robot write and say your lines? (The pictures of Sam and Ava from Ex Machina appear to NC's sides) How come these two were never in the same room?
(The Kid brings a scared Pinky and informs Sarge that he found a group of survivors (a woman with two kids), to the latter's dismay)
NC (vo): They discover in a room, a family is still alive, but The Rock doesn't want to take the chance and says, "Kill them all". Wait, what?..
The Kid: They're okay. They're just scared shitless.
Sarge: We kill them all.
The Kid: I think...
Sarge: Son, you don't think! Let God sort them out.
NC: Okay, okay, look. Um... I'm actually open to the idea of The Rock playing the villain in something, but... Doom?
NC (vo): The movie where he holds the BFG, is the focus of the poster, and...it...wha...Doom? This is the one you want to try that out with?
NC: Okay. Look, Rock, you're a badass and everything, don't get me wrong, but...you're also kind of adorable!
(Clips from a Saturday Night Life 2015 Bambi sketch, The Tooth Fairy, Be Cool, and another SNL 2015 sketch "Cut for Time: Dance of the Daisies" are shown as NC baby-talks)
NC: Yeah, look at that, look at that. He's just the cutest little thing. Oh, my God, look at the little smile he's ha... Oh, he's doing the eyebrow thing! Oh, that showman, that's so cute! Oh, my God, look at him now! He's just so fun-
(Sarge shoots The Kid in the mouth for insubordination)
NC: (shocked to no end, stammering) ...SHIT!
Sarge: Mutinous insurrection is punishable...by death.
NC (vo): Em... (sighs) Okay, this is apparently what we wanted.
Sarge: I don't need anybody else but soldiers!
NC: Let's, um, look at the scale of how much that was earned... (A caption "I'm not even wasting a graphic!" appears) Yeah, pretty low.
(Reaper covers The Kid's head with his arm solemnly)
NC (vo; as The Kid): Could you tell me what the point of my drug subplot was?
(The group is attacked by infected humans, leading to the death of Duke and Pinky being dragged away)
NC (vo): More zombie-not-Hell-demon-whatevers attack, and The Rock gets caught among them.
(A mutated human's hand takes Sarge's leg, and he falls)
Sarge: (to Reaper, grunting) I'm not supposed to die! (gets dragged away as well)
NC: See? Even he calls bullshit on what they're doing with him!
Sarge: I'm not supposed to die!
NC (vo; as Sarge): I mean, did any of you read the manual about how to use your rock? (The cover for "The Care and Training of Your Pet Rock" is shown, but with one of Dwayne Johnson's characters Photoshopped in)
NC: (still as Sarge) I don't die, I'm not boring, and, weirdly enough, I don't kill kids!
(Reaper is wounded by a ricocheting bullet. To prevent him from bleeding to death, Sam reluctantly injects Reaper with the C24 serum before he passes out)
NC (vo): It's up to bland Dipper and Mabel now. Just listen to her emotional concerns.
Sam: (almost monotone) John, stay with me. Stay awake. John, stay with me. You're bleeding to death.
NC: (finger rests on his cheek) So this is R. Dorothy, right? (R. Dorothy Wayneright from The Big O is shown) We just...may want her act in movies, and now, we learned our lesson?
NC (vo): She gives him the disease, because... (sighs) ...apparently, if you have a good soul, it'll make you super strong and not corrupt you.
(A clip from Breaking Bad season 1 episode "A No-Rough-Stuff-Type Deal" is shown)
Jesse Pinkman (Aaron Paul): Yeah, science!
(Later, Reaper regains consciousness and finds his wounds have healed and that Sam has gone missing. Using his new superhuman abilities, he fights his way through the facility, which is shown via first-person camera, and a gun sticks out below. Yeah, we are recreating the game now)
NC (vo): It seems to work, though, as for a movie that tried so little to be like DOOM, it suddenly over-corrects and goes to a first-person point of view, trying to look exactly like the game, to a ridiculous degree!
(One mutant charges at Reaper with an axe, but Reaper shoots him, and the axe hits the mutant in the head, killing him)
NC: Okay. Somewhere in-between nothing like the damn game and just the damn game, there's a damn movie. Please give us a damn movie!
NC (vo): But again, because it's not actually Hell, he's just shooting zombie scientists. (Another mutant is shown throwing a cycle away, revealing himself to be a mutated Pinky. Reaper fights him, killing him as well) Ooh, look. That was the wheelchair guy. So, any time you saw a monster (A footage of the original game is shown briefly) that looks like him in the game, that was always meant to be the same wheelchair guy. All of them. They're all this wheelchair guy. (After a beat, the game's title dramatically appears once more) DOOM!
(Reaper turns to see a laughing scientist mutant in the shadows, and he blows his head off)
NC: ...What the hell was that guy's plan? To charm him to death?
NC (vo; as the mutant): You can't resist my smile... (head blown off) Asshole!
(Reaper finishes off another mutant on his way)
NC: (smiling) Wow! It's just like the game! Except I can't control anything, and the story's completely different!
NC: But, if Jem saying "Truly outrageous" suddenly makes (The poster for 2015's Jem and the Holograms is shown) this authentic, we got thiiiis!
(We are back to the normal movie point of view, as Reaper sits, tired, but discovers Sarge, who is apparently alive and well)
Sarge: Last man standing, Reaper.
NC (vo): He comes across The Rock, who is, of course, infected, but he tells him he has one last round in the BFG left.
Sarge: I've got one round.
NC: Well, they better make it goddamn cool...
(Sarge shoots with the BFG at Reaper, but he manages to duck, and the blast just destroys the entrance and Reaper fires at Sarge)
(Sarge and Reaper fight each other in the hall...starting with fists, and no weapons)
NC (vo): They get in a fistfight, because...again, DOOM is really known for its fistfights... But at the very least, they can give us a big-ass crazy monster of The Rock. (A gameplay of the original game is shown again, showing a Baron of Hell) You know, maybe one of these guys or something. You can have fun with this idea. What's his final form?
(Sarge's eyes turn yellow, his skin turns red, and teeth get sharp as he growls)
NC (vo): Oh. You just changed his eye color and teeth.
(Reaper activates a portal and tries to get Sarge inside it)
Electronic voice: Five...
(NC just stares with a frozen smile, flabbergasted, and hits the table with both hands)
NC: That is exactly what I imagined the final boss in DOOM would look like! A Were-Rock!
NC (vo): Are you really gonna have me say something positive about this?! (The infamous, obviously comupter-generated, Scorpion King from The Mummy Returns is shown) I really don't want to say anything positive about this!
(A portal to Mars appears, and Reaper throws Sarge in it. He then finds a grenade)
NC (vo): He throws him in the portal back to Mars and sends a grenade with him.
Reaper: Like The Kid said... (presses a button on the grenade) "Go to Hell."
NC: (chuckles, waves hand) Lord knows this movie isn't willing to do so.
(Reaper throws the grenade into the portal, killing Sarge and destroying the Mars facility. He carries the unconscious Sam into the elevator and rides back to the surface)
NC (vo): He grabs his sister and heads back to the surface of Earth.
Reaper: Almost home.
NC: Almost. Completely missed the mark. Tomayto-tomahto.
(The film's title is shown, ending it)
NC (vo): And that was Doom.
NC: ...Or so they tell me. You would never guess by watching it.
(The movie's clips are shown for the last time as NC says his final thoughts on it)
NC (vo): I guess, to its credit, they get a few details right. Like the backstory in the game, it's about a space marine disagreeing with his sergeant because the sergeant wanted to murder the innocent, and there was a portal to Mars, as well as scientists doing evil experiments. But taking Hell out of the equation is like taking ducks out of DuckTales. It's a friggin' big part! As an adaptation, it goes from unfaithful to too faithful, and as a standalone movie, it's just a generic and forgettable flop. There's not much character, there's not much gore, there's just not much DOOM. And if there's anything DOOM shouldn't be, it's friggin' boring.
NC: Now, I'm not gonna stop until we pay the DOOM game the respect it deserves!
HFG: (offscreen) Hell, yeah!
(NC turns and sees HFG, DB and Benny armed up again)
Benny: We're gonna wipe out everything associated with that dumbass movie.
DF: You in?
(NC slams fist on the table and stands up)
NC: Gun me, you magnificent bastard!
(DB throws a gun to NC...but he fails to catch it)
NC: Oh... I'm sorry, I'm sorry, one...one more second.
(HFG, DB and Benny sigh)
HFG: (mutters) Oh, my God.
NC: (picks the gun up) Sorry, I... (tries to put the magazine in its position) This thing came off while I...
DB: You really ruined our groove here.
NC: Should go there...okay. (accidentally drops the magazine) No, I, I... Sorry. Give...give me a minute.
HFG: You said "a second".
NC: It's a minute now!
(They sigh again in disappointment and impatience)
HFG: Oh, my Gooood...
NC: Got it... No, no... Okay, doesn't really stand, but... (finally manages to put it back and clicks the gun) Let's roll!
HFG: (whispers) Yeah!
(All four get ready to seek out the enemies they need. The camera goes to "first person shooter" point of view as the gang wanders around the prop room. Below, there is a panel from the original game, and in its center, we see the face of NC (later, HFG, Benny and DB) smiling and moving the left and right eyebrows. NC upon discovers the Blu-ray for the movie behind the rack)
NC: (offscreen) There's that awful movie. (shoots at it)
(HFG comes across DOOM: The Game of the Movie on the working table)
HFG: (offscreen) There's the game based on the movie based on the game! Die! (shoots at it)
(Benny approaches a shooting script for the film peeking out from behind a door)
Benny: (offscreen) There's that piece-of-shit script for the film. (shoots at it)
(And between two racks with clothes, DB comes across...a normal man, played by Jim)
Man: Hi. I am Chris Gallaher. I was the dental technician in the movie.
(After a beat...DB shoots at Chris. As the camera goes back to normal, he joins HFG, Benny and NC (seriously, that's a pretty cool effect), and they all look at the camera, striking a pose)
NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and DOOM should never be dull.
Chris Gallaher: (offscreen) What was wrong with my dental tech?
(Not taking her eyes off the camera, HFG finishes him off. We go to the credits)
Channel Awesome tagline - Portman: I fell in the damn hole.