So, I'm sittin' there tending bar when in walks a very nice bloke, Donkey Kong.

Now, Donkey Kong might not be the brightest banana on the tree, but he's a real nice guy.

So, he sits down, I make him a Banana Daiquiri, and I say "Oy, DK, what's been goin' on?"

And he says, "Big trouble at home."

And I go, "Really, well, do tell!"

And he says, "Me and Pauline have big fight."

I go, "Oh, Pauline! The... The woman you used to kidnap and keep at the top of the Legos or whatever those were. I didn't know you two got married!"

And he says, "Well, it start off as forced company, but then we get to like each other... REALLY like each other... Sex. We had sex."

And I said, "Thank you! I know what you're talking about."

And I said, "What about Mario? I thought he was always trying to rescue her."

And he said, "No. He fall for other person. Uh... Princess Bitch, I think."

And I said, "I think it's Peach."

And he says, "No, it's Bitch."

Lord knows I'm not gonna argue with a ten ton gorilla, so I said, "Okay, Princess Bitch."

And I said, "Well, what's the trouble with Pauline? I mean, what's been goin' on? I know things have been pretty quiet with her. I haven't seen her in any video games or anything."

And he says, "Well, she stay-at-home-Mom now."

And I said, "Oh! You mean, uh, Diddy Kong! Diddy Kong, she-she's looking after Diddy Kong."

And he says, "Yes, at times, Diddy Kong come with me on adventure, Go Karting, Brawl... But, for the most part, Pauline look after him."

And I said, "Well, okay, that sounds nice. What's wrong with that?"

And he says, "Pauline admit Diddy Kong not mine."

And I said, "Oh, you mean... You mean you're not the father."

And he says, "No."

And I said, "Well, that's... that's terrible. Do... Do you know who the father is? Did she tell you?"

He looks down really angry and he says, "Coco from Coco Crispies."

I mean, I guess it makes sense. They both have the hat and the t-shirt and everything.

But I said, "I didn't even know Pauline had a... had a thing for monkeys."

And he says, "At first she didn't."


And I said, "Okay."

I mean, Lord knows I don't know how a... ten ton gorilla and a... medium sized woman... can even manage to--- OKAY, I'm not going there! Bottom line, Pauline has a thing for monkeys. And she cheated on Donkey Kong with another monkey. I don't know.

And I said, "Well, what happened after that?"

And he said, "She leave me! And take Diddy with her! Good! Kong don't want her anyway!"

And I thought, well, this is rather sad. He doesn't have a family anymore.

But I said, "Wait a minute. Don't you have another son?"

And he looks down and he says, "Yes. Junior."

I'm assuming, of course, he meant Donkey Kong, Jr., he was in a few games.

So, I asked him, I said, "Well, if family means so much to you, why don't you start up a relationship with him again?"

And he says, "He playing for other team."


And I said, "Playstation?"

He says, "Homosexual!"

And I said, "Oh oh! Okay."

And he told me that "He likes to put banana in coconut and Kong not approve!"

And I said, "Well, you know, times are changing, Mr. Kong. You know, there's a lot of homosexuals out there and prejudice is a sign of very little intelligence. And you're not an unintelligent person, are you, Mr. Kong?"

...He started eating his own feces and I just sorta let that question go.

And he said, "Junior an abomination! I want manly gorilla! He wants Twilight!"

And I said, "Well, that's a shame, Mr. Kong. You seem like a real nice guy. It's a shame something like this should get in the way."

And he says, "Oh, Kong no want to talk to you anymore. Kong leave now."

He paid his check and headed on out. But on his way out, speak of the devil, he actually comes across Junior! In the bar! He's sitting there, he's having a drink with somebody, and wouldn't you know it? (Dominic sighs.) ...He's having a drink with Link. And if he knew half of what I knew about Link, I would tell him in an instant "Don't go with this guy, he's gonna break your heart. And do... God knows what else to ya."

But it looked like Junior was crying. And I tried to listen in. I heard that Link was actually breaking up with him. Big surprise.

And, as they were talking, Junior was saying, "Why? Why are you breaking up with me? I thought we had something. Something special!"

And Link says, "Look, we had our fun. I always wondered what it'd be like with a monkey. But, time to call it off."

And Junior kept insisting, "Please, can't we work it out? Can't we do something about this?"

And Link said to him, "Why would I wanna be associated with a damn, dirty ape?"

But little did they know that Donkey Kong was standing there, listening, the whole entire time!

And he taps Link on the shoulder and he says, "That my son."

Link smiles with his cocky smile and says, "I'm so very sorry for ya."

Donkey Kong grabs Link's head and smashes it into the table! He then rips the hair out of his head like he was peeling a banana! He then smashed his body against the wall maybe a couple a dozen times and threw him out the window.

Junior is just standing there dumbfounded! He doesn't know what to say!

But he does manage to look up at his father and say... "Thanks, Dad."

Donkey Kong looks down at him and he says, "You still my son."

He walked out the door and he never looked back.

Now, some say he walked straight home, he called his son, and they walked for hours after that... But I know he went in the back alley and kept beating the shit out of Link. Either way it was a great affection of love and it was very very touching... Even if it is unbelievably violent and gory. I mean... Link's remains afterward were, uhm.... I was surprised he was alive.

But what can I say? A monkey's love for his son is just an unbreakable bond. And that night was certainly proof of that.

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