April 15, 2020
(After the Channel Awesome logo, we cold-open on Robert Downey, Jr., walking by a crowd of people (possibly at the premiere of a movie))
Narrator (Tamara): Once upon a time, there was an actor who won over the entire world. For ten years, he played (An image of Downey as the title character in Iron Man is shown) one of the most beloved superheroes of all time, even when a movie he was in kind of sucked ass. (The poster for Iron Man 2 is superimposed) He was always praised for his charm and charisma. But one day, the actor decided he was done with this path. He called up his agent and said that he wanted to make a movie like the old days of his career.
(We then cut to Downey's agent, played by Malcolm)
Agent: You want to what??
Downey, Jr. (voice of Rob): (on Skype) I want to make crap again.
Agent: What do you mean you want to make crap again?
Downey, Jr.: Yeah, I'm tired of doing good stuff. I want to go back to what I'm most familiar with: being in crap.
Agent: Robert, you act like the majority of your career was starring in bad things.
Downey, Jr.: It was. Don't you remember?
(A montage is shown of Downey, Jr.'s pre-Iron Man movies: Only You, The Shaggy Dog with Tim Allen, The Singing Detective, Fur, The Gingerbread Man)
Downey, Jr. (vo): Before Iron Man, I was in nothing but critical box office poison.
Downey, Jr.:' To tell you the truth, I kinda miss it.
Agent: Robert, no one's going to purposely fund a bad film.
Downey, Jr.: I'll finance it. My wife and I.
Agent: Susan? She's a very well-established producer. Why would she indulge you in this?
Downey, Jr.: 'Cause it's fun. I don't know. I just want to suck again.
Susan (Tamara): (also on Skype) Oh! You wanna know who's really not popular anymore, honey? Jack Sparrow!
Downey, Jr.: Oh, that's great. I'm gonna play Jack Sparrow.
Agent: You can't play Jack Sparrow. Johnny Depp still...-ish plays that role.
Susan: Well, buy some cheap copyrighted character, and we'll just pretend he's Jack Sparrow.
Agent: I got some...
(Posters for upcoming movies, Venom and Morbius, are shown)
Agent (vo): ...Spider-Man villain movie scritps.
Downey, Jr.: No, Jared Leto said he'd already tanked those.
Agent: Disney wants to do an origin story on...
(A shot of Fantasia is shown, depicting Bacchus, the god of wine, and his donkey Jacchus)
Agent (vo): ...that donkey from Fantasia.
Downey, Jr.: No, I already did blackface.
Susan: Okay, we're not looking for Shakespeare! We want a role where he can do little.
Downey, Jr.: Wait a minute. Wait a minute! (An image of John Brinkley is superimposed) Is John Brinkley copyrighted?
(On that note, we cut to the 2020 NC title sequence)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Of all the franchises that exist, (points down to the floor for emphasis) "Doctor Dolittle" is the one I most have no opinion on!
(A montage of shots related to "Doctor Dolittle" is shown: the original book by Hugh Lofting, the 1967 musical adaptation featuring Rex Harrison as the title character, and the later 1998 adaptation with Eddie Murphy, which was later followed by a sequel in 2001)
NC (vo): I mean, does anybody? Based on the 1920s children's book about a vet who talks to animals, it was adapted into a hit Rex Harrison film in the '60s, and then again with Eddie Murphy in the '90s, even getting a sequel. The response from most people seem to be "That exists. Good for that."
(Now we cut to footage of the trailer for the most recent adaptation of the story, Dolittle, featuring Robert Downey, Jr., in the title role)
NC (vo): That might be why when the trailer for Dolittle, starring Robert Downey, Jr., came out, nobody really knew what to think of it. It didn't look bad, it didn't look good, so nobody really paid attention to it, causing the film to bomb.
NC: (shaking head) But JESUS CHRIST, you don't know what you're missing! (beat) In that...I just saw the film and I don't know what I'm missing!
(The title for the movie is shown, followed by footage of it)
NC (vo): Dolittle is one of the most baffling films I've seen in recent years. (An image of Cats is shown) Okay, not the most, just one of. Everything from the acting, the writing, the editing, the cinematography, I have no idea what this film was trying to do or be. On the surface, it looks like a harmless kid's film, but the experience is like having a bedtime story written by Tim Burton's (An image of Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka is shown in the corner) Willy Wonka read to you by (Another image of...) Joe Exotic. It's a rainbow of madness producing colors you'll regret you now know exist. It's a one-of-a-kind dumpster fire that has to be seen to be believed. So let's see it and...try to believe it.
NC: Let's look at the cinematic version of (Image of the following appears in the corner...) the Jackie Chan meme face. This is Dolittle.
(The film begins in animated cartoon form)
NC (vo): The film opens with an animation that, like an opening act for Jeff Dunham, is going to be better than the main attraction.
Narrator: There once was a peculiar doctor. He could talk...
(Dr. Dolittle was checking a hippo's teeth and it sneezes on him)
Narrator: ...to animals.
NC: (crosses arms) You know how in most versions of "Doctor Dolittle", how him talking to animals is basically the main focus?
NC (vo): Well, here, it's like a crazy relative's political post: it's there, but doesn't demand your attention.
NC: Instead, they explain how...
NC (vo): ...there's a man who can talk to animals, got praised from the queen, she gave him a mansion, he met an adventurer named Lily, they traveled the world, got married, she died, he closed down the manor, and refused to see anyone for years.
NC: (smiling and nodding, holds up index finger) In one minute!
Offscreen voice: Eww! What the fuck?
NC (vo): Any one of those elements would be enough to fill an entire movie, yet they combined all of those plotlines in a mere sixty seconds!
(The narrator is shown again, but with snippets of dialogue)
Narrator: There was once a peculiar doctor... / Even the Queen of England caught on... / She gifted him a wondrous mansion... / ...with the fearless explorer... / Lily died... / He locked his estate...
(The narration bits overlap one another as a commercial for Micro Machines hosted by John Moschitta, Jr. plays, although it's hard to tell what he is saying with the narration overlapping)
Moschitta: (talking extremely quickly) Micro Machine Man here, and I've come to tell you all about the Micro Machine car wash city...
NC: You do know when they give the backstory in (The poster for Spider-Man: Far From Home is shown in one corner) those Marvel movies you were in, they did usually have (Posters for Marvel movies featuring Iron Man appear in the opposite corner) movies that preceded it, right?
(Outside the premises of Dolittle's mansion, a group of hunters, including a boy named Tommy Stubbins (played by Harry Collett), are out duck-hunting. Tommy spots a squirrel in a tree and smiles at it)
NC (vo): This brings us to a boy named Tommy, who is hunting with his uncle [Arnall (played by Ralph Ineson)], using the brilliant strategy of smiling his prey to death.
(They come across a duck pond. The ducks there take flight while Arnall urges Tommy to shoot at one of them. Tommy tries to aim his gun at a duck, but can't seem to concentrate)
Tommy: Oh, no, I can't!
Arnall: Shoot, shoot!
(Tommy fires his gun, but misses the duck. The infamous dog from Duck Hunt pops up, doing his infamous laugh. Instead, Tommy has accidentally shot the squirrel)
NC (vo): It looks like he hit the squirrel, though, and unlike the film, he's given the option to put it out of its misery.
(Arnall gives Tommy a knife with which to kill the squirrel, but a parrot named Polynesia (voiced by Emma Thompson) spots what's going on)
Polynesia: Poly, Poly!
(Tommy follows Polynesia over to Dolittle's mansion, carrying the wounded squirrel with him)
NC (vo): A parrot leads him to Dolittle's house where he figures might be able to help.
(As Tommy enters the mansion's grounds, he spots a polar bear [Yoshi] wearing a chullo. Tommy spots the bear and backs away from it as it emerges from the bushes and comes toward him)
Tommy: Good dog...
NC: Did he seriously just call the polar bear a dog?
Tommy: Good dog...
NC (vo; as Tommy): I have to find a doctor to help with this octopus (meaning the squirrel).
(While backing away from Yoshi, Tommy accidentally steps in a trap and is caught in a net cage that holds him aloft)
NC (vo): He gets caught in a trap...
(We then cut to inside the mansion, where an unshaven Dolittle (played by Robert Downey, Jr.) is playing chess with a gorilla named Chee-Chee, using living mice as the chess pieces)
NC (vo): ...and we're introduced to Dolitte, played by I'm 90% sure a relapsing Downey, Jr.
(Dolittle beats his chest like a gorilla, much to Chee-Chee's amusement. Dolittle then makers chattering noises like a gorilla. A white duck flies up onto the chessboard)
NC: Well, there it is...
NC (vo): ...the moment everyone on set knew they weren't gonna make their money back.
(Dolittle continues to make noises like a gorilla)
NC: I too didn't think there was enough footage of...
NC (vo): ...hairy men's mouths making dog-fucking sound effects.
NC: Thank you for filling that void, Dolittle.
NC (vo): The film is kind enough to translate these disturbing moments of terror, but don't worry, you won't feel much saner knowing what they're saying.
Dolittle: It's a NIGHTMAAAARE!
Polynesia: (flying up to him) Pull yourself together!
(Dolittle falls over with his knees bent and his hands up. Chee-Chee imitates him)
Dolittle: Possum. Be brave and get rid of them and don't forget your mantra. (gets up and backs out of the room) You are not a prisoner in here.
NC: You know, if you got him off the ground...
NC (vo): ...shaved the beard and ditched the wealth Chester A. Bum voice...
NC: ...this would still be a terrible performance.
NC (vo): Tommy is noticed by a girl named Lady Rose.
Lady Rose (Carmel Laniado): (looking up to see Tommy in the trap) Whatever are you doing up there?
NC (vo): (speaking on her behalf) Yes, I looked up, saw you there, put my head and umbrella down, just so I could lift it back up in an elegant reveal. Did it work? I don't care. Nothing else will stand out about me.
Lady Rose: I come from Buckingham Palace on urgent business.
NC (vo; as Lady Rose): Yes, the palace often entrusts urgent business with a 13-year-old, unguarded in a field of wild animals.
(Cut to a clip of The Avengers)
Tony Stark (Robert Downey, Jr.): Not a great plan.
(Cut back to Dolittle as Tommy knocks on the main front door, which is opened by Chee-Chee the gorilla, who roars at Tommy, who screams like a girl at this sight. Chee-Chee also screams like a girl right back and falls over in a faint)
NC: (shrugs) All right, that's pretty funny.
Dolittle: (looking at a picture of Lily on the wall) I should never have let you go.
(He then clasps his hands together and hangs his head as he remembers her)
NC: Stop thinking you're up! You're not up! Stop thinking you're up!
NC (vo): Something you'll notice quickly is that, for whatever reason, not only is Dolittle constantly dubbed in this movie, but they find dozens of reasons to cover his mouth, almost as if they knew he was gonna be dubbed.
(A montage of clips of Dolittle's dubbed dialogue is shown)
Dolittle: (hiding under his blankets) Not here. / (his back to the camera) The birds will show you out. / (taking a sip of tea) We're humans. We leave the house. / (his back to the camera again) Thanks very much. / (wearing a surgical mask) Save the squirrel, Shui. / (to Lady Rose, his back to the camera) Are you hard of hearing? / (wearing a breathing mask) That's still celery. / (head out of range of camera) Do some fire and grooming. / (his back to the camera) You should fetch my bags. / (long-distance shot) Who's she thinking? Boy nearly killed himself. / (his head back to the camera; to Tommy) I believe it's time to go our separate ways. / (his back to the camera) I hear you could be a big help. / (his face covered in a book called "Botanical Index") I'll quit possibly, the answer to everything.
(Dolittle is now seen wearing a mask)
Dolittle: (speaking in the voice of Johnny from The Room) Lisa loves you, too. As a person. As a human being.
NC: Is this really the time to pay homage to...
(A clip of Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas is shown, showing two characters with their mouths hidden as they take a sip from some coffee mugs)
NC (vo): ...Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas? I mean, everybody knows they've ripped off (image of the following appears in the corner...) Jesus, Bro!
(Cut back to Dolittle as Tommy brings the wounded squirrel to Dolittle)
Tommy: I have an injured squirrel.
NC (vo): Dolittle is shown the squirrel and he agrees to do his best to save it.
Lady Rose: You will not tend to a squirrel while the Queen of England's life hangs in the balanace.
Dolittle: Oh, you don't know me very well, do you?
NC: (as Dolittle) What that bitch ever give me, outside of a home?
(Assisted by the other animals on the premises, Dolittle operates on the squirrel, while Tommy and Lady Rose watch from behind a window)
Dolittle: Eureka. Everything will be fine.
Tommy: (amazed) They're not understanding human, he's understanding them! In their own languages!
NC: (pointing to camera) I'm understanding your language, too!
(Tommy's expression is shown again)
NC (vo): "Of constant enchantment" face!
NC: I'll translate them for you.
(Tommy's expression is shown one more time, along with the "translated" subtitle: "I'm a Whimsically Empty Husk.")
NC (vo): The squirrel is healed and wakes up. At least, I think that's what this is.
(The squirrel has a flashback to being shot, exaggerated with military weapons, including cannons and an atomic bomb, and he remembers the boy who shot him. The squirrel becomes angry)
Squirrel: (deep voice) Revenge!
NC: You know, most people have a similar reaction when the movie ends.
(We cut to a rapid-fire montage of scenes in the movie, in the style of the squirrel's flashback)
NC: (holding up his fist) Revenge!
NC (vo): Dolittle has no interest in saving the Queen, but Poly, voiced by Emma Thompson, tells him if the Queen dies, his home will be taken away.
(Dolittle does a spit take and rises to his feet dramatically)
Dolittle: Right! I'll do it.
NC (vo): It's the ethical side of this backstabber that makes me want to follow him.
Dolittle: (now clean-shaven) We will come to you to Buckingham Place after all.
NC (vo): He no longer looks like he's gonna start Monty Python's Flying Circus and he tells Tommy to piss off, but Tommy sneaks into the carriage.
(Dolittle rides into the palace on the back of an ostrich, Plimpton)
NC (vo): (singsong voice) I smell hijinks!
(Inside, Dolittle dismounts Plimpton, only for it to start knocking over suits of armor lining the room. These in turn knock over other suits of armor like dominoes. Dolittle runs ahead of the falling suits to avoid getting hit)
NC: It's true, the funniest slapstick is the kind...
NC (vo): ...when no one gets hurt.
(Shots of the Three Stooges, Tom and Jerry and Looney Tunes are shown)
NC: Take notes, you guys. You are all too mean.
(We then see Queen Victoria (played by Jessie Buckley) lying in her bed)
NC (vo): As you can see, the Queen is at death's door...that perfectly healthy-looking door...as Dolittle tries getting information from the pet octopus about what could have caused this.
(Dolittle puts on a pair of swimming goggles and then sticks his head in an aquarium to communicate with the octopus inside. He makes noises toward it which are translated via convenient subtitles)
Dolittle: Did you see anything unusual?
Octopus: Snitches get stitches, man.
NC (vo): Octopus doesn't need stitches; it grows its arms right back!
(Dolittle brings his head out of the water, gasping for breath. Lady Rose and Tommy stare in amusement, with the camera zooming in on Tommy, accompanied by the "translated" subtitle: "My Dignity Tastes Like Stale Nothing.")
NC (vo): Dolittle suspects a lord named Badgley, played by Jim Broadbent, is in cahoots for control of the crown with another doctor named Mudfly, played by Michael Sheen.
NC: (clapping hands eagerly) Ooh! I have to figure where to put my Twilight laugh!
(A clip of Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 is shown, emphasizing Aro (also Michael Sheen)'s laugh)
NC: It's like baking a souffle; you have to time it just right!
(The shot of Aro's laugh tries to slide in from the bottom of the screen, but NC pushes it back down)
NC: Not yet, my pet.
(Jip, a bespectacled dog, addresses Dolittle on what's going on)
Jip (voiced by Tom Holland): Something smelled wrong, and that's coming from a guy who loves the smell of butts.
Dolittle: Ooh, you do love butt.
NC: (shakes head) You know, if you look at this as the rehab hallucinations of...
(The scene of Jip and Dolittle is replayed, with a shot of Downey, Jr., as the title character in...)
NC (vo): ...Sherlock Holmes getting off morphine...
NC: ...the film actually makes a lot more sense.
NC (vo): His solution for curing the Queen?
Dolittle: The Queen's only hope is a cure that's never been tested from a tree that's never been seen on an island that's never been found.
NC: Move over, Tolkien, (crosses arms) the real masters of world-building are at work. (nods)
NC (vo): So I guess the quest is on to find a tree of magic with healing fruit, because, you know, Dr. Dolittle. (Lady Rose puts an ascot on Tommy) What the fuck?
Lady Rose: I do so admire how you don't give up. The Queen is counting on both of you. Good luck.
NC: (as Lady Rose) I didn't think you were getting beaten up enough...
NC (vo): ...so I give you this Fred-from-Scooby-Doo ascot. That should get your scent to those bullies.
(As Tommy walks up to his uncle's home to tell him of his planned adventure, Arnall comes out and is aghast at the ascot on his neck)
Arnall: What is that around your neck? (grabs Tommy roughly to drag him inside)
NC: The first logical question asked in this movie.
(Arnall imprisons Tommy in his room, but Polynesia and a giraffe named Betsy break him out, only to be chased by the police. They are also accompanied by Tutu, a fox)
NC (vo): Poly and a giraffe are sent to pick Tommy up, but they get hounded by the police? Why are they chasing them? They're not criminals.
Polynesia: Why are they chasing us? We're not criminals!
Tutu (voiced by Marion Cotillard): It's not an escape mission unless you're being chased!
NC: (massaging his forehead) You get the feeling someone just (makes a ripping motion) ripped up the script into a million pieces, taped it back in the wrong order, and nobody was brave enough to say this might be insane?
NC (vo): They get onto the ship just in time for the parrot to show she can give a better performance than the human leads.
Polynesia: (to Dolittle) Look at the state of you. You're sick as a dog!
Dolittle: (to Tommy) I'm sure you can be a big help. I got these...
(He picks up two things and swings them around before throwing them into a pair of baskets)
NC: (nonplussed) I'll say this: Downey, Jr., is giving us his all. I just don't know what it's all of. (Suddenly, his phone rings and he answers it) Hello?
(The person on the other line is Lady Rose, played by Tamara)
Lady Rose: Pardon, Critic, but it's Lady Rose.
NC: Oh, the girl from the movie, yeah.
Lady Rose: I'm wondering if I'm needed for the rest of the movie.
NC: Well, I assume so. I mean, they built you up as a major character.
(A montage of clips of the movie is shown, all without Lady Rose)
NC (vo): Oh... Actually, no...
NC: (hesitantly) I guess you're not.
NC (vo): You're in maybe another minute of the movie, but that's it. Even that scarf you gave Tommy is completely written out; it never comes back again.
Lady Rose: Oh, good, I can go back to my drawer.
NC: Your drawer?
Lady Rose: Yes, well, haven't you noticed that all girls in whimsical movies look and sound alike recently?
(Shots of young girls in several recent movies are shown: Milly Farrier in the 2019 version of Dumbo, Clara Stahlbaum in The Nutcracker and the Four Realms, Emma Bloom in Miss Peregrine's Home For Peculiar Children, and Mary in The Nutcracker)
Lady Rose (vo): We just have to have big eyes and a big beautiful dress and just be enchanted by everything we see.
Lady Rose: No actual personality needed.
NC: Oh, yeah, there have been a lot of those recently. Y'all come from a drawer?
Lady Rose: Oh, yes. Tim Burton has an entire (?) full of them.
NC: And you're okay just being used as a manipulative prop?
Lady Rose: Oh, I would like to fight against it, yes. It's just...I'm too bland.
NC: Well, I guess that does make sense. All right, see you next Disney's remake.
Lady Rose: (waves) Rather.
(NC hangs up and looks up into the camera. Images of bland young girls in recent movies are shown, along with the message: "PLEASE HELP BLAND CHILDREN – 1-800-REMEMBER-ME". Emotional piano music plays in the background)
NC: They're out there and they need your support. Show these poor children that you want to give them a personality.
(NC looks away, trying not to cry, as we go to a commercial break. Upon return, the movie resumes, with trouble brewing from Lord Badgley and Dr. Mudfly)
NC (vo): So Mudfly is given orders to go after Dolittle so he doesn't complete his mission and the Queen will die.
(We then cut to Dolittle's boat, where Dolittle engages in a silly boxing match with Chee-Chee the gorilla)
NC: But judging by their actions, I don't think they'll make it to lunch before killing themselves.
Dolittle: (putting up his dukes) Jab. Left cross. Defense is attack.
(All the while, Tommy watches in awe, while a new message pops up under him, reading: "I Bite My Dick to Feel I'm Alive.")
NC (vo): Tommy even starts to pick up the language of the animals.
Tommy: (to Dolittle) I think I'm beginning to understand a little bit of the animals are saying.
Dolittle: Seems you are, boy-o.
NC (vo): Now just tell the difference between a polar bear and a dog, you dumbass.
(As Dolittle climbs down a flight of stairs on the ship, Tommy watches in awe, as yet another message pops up: "I'm Imagining My Funeral, Nobody Showed.")
NC: (crosses arms) By the way, if you're wondering why I haven't brought up the ton of celebrity voices in this film, it's because...the movie barely does.
NC (vo): Oh, I don't mean they don't push them in interviews or anything; I mean their scenes are so rushed and they have so little chemistry, they're instantly forgettable. Remember that squirrel that wants revenge? (An image of the following appears in the corner, displaying the squirrel's voice actor...) That's Craig Robinson. He brings this up maybe two more times and then practically says nothing.
(Cut to the duck, Dab-Dab)
NC (vo): Octavia Spencer is a duck trying to be Wanda Sykes.
Dab-Dab: You got a dang queen? Now I'm alone. (Cut to another scene) Do you understand the words coming out of my bill?
NC (vo): Outside of that, she has little to no interaction with others.
(Next, cut to Yoshi the polar bear)
NC (vo): John Cena's a polar bear. He says stuff, then he...doesn't say stuff.
(Now cut to Jip the dog)
NC (vo): Tom Holland is a dog. It'd be funnier if he was a spider, but whatever; let's get that chemistry back him and Downey, Jr., had in the Marvel movies.
Dolittle: (to Jip) You need to stay behind and guard the Queen.
NC (vo; as Jip): Bye! (normal again) So, yeah, it's practically pointless to mention them because they add nothing. George Clooney as Stan's dog (A shot of Stan Marsh's dog, Sparks, is superimposed) left more an impact. I actually remember his struggle.
(Suddenly, Dolittle spots a ship in the distance coming toward them)
Dolittle: (pointing) Enemy! Starboard aft!
NC (vo): It looks like Mudfly catches up with them and tries sinking their ship.
(Dolittle looks out through his telescope to spot Dr. Mudfly on the other ship, looking out at Dolittle through a telescope of his own)
Dolittle: Hello, Blair Eugene (?).
Mudfly: He said something about my chin, didn't he?!
Shipmate: It's a magnificent chin, sir.
(NC stares, poker-faced. The shot of Aro's laugh from Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 starts to slide in, but NC pushes it back down)
NC: Nobody's laughing at that.
NC (vo): Dolittle is put in a diver's outfit and lowered below, leading to this essential zoom-in.
(As Chee-Chee the gorilla lowers Dolittle, now in the diver's outfit, into the water, the camera zooms in close to Dolittle's face)
NC: How else would I know they could do a zoom-in there?
(Underwater, Dolittle spots a whale and attach a harness to it to get them out of reach of Mudfly quickly)
NC (vo): They harness the power of a whale – literally – to pull their ship and get some extra speed.
Mudfly: (seeing what's happening) How is this possible?
Shipmate: Well, sir, it appears Dolittle and a polar bear have harnessed the whale.
Mudfly: (irritated) It was a rhetorical question!
NC: Oh, I don't know, I feel like I would need that explained.
(Mudfly's ship fires a cannon shot at Dolittle's ship, which distracts Chee-Chee, who is holding the rope attached to Dolittle's diving suit, into dropping the rope, causing Dolittle to sink into the water)
NC (vo): The ape loses his grip on Dolittle, resulting in this reaction.
(Dolittle in the suit comes up close to the camera and screams)
NC: (massaging his temples) What are we doing?
(The rope falls away completely)
NC (vo): And it doesn't look like he made. Tommy is heartbroken.
(Tommy's rather bland expression, according to a helpful arrow on the screen, is one of "TOTALLY Destroyed")
Tommy: Oh, no...
Plimpton the ostrich: Oh, no...
NC: (as Tommy) Oh, no. What'll happen to phase two in the Dolittle universe?
(Dolittle, however, manages to climb back on the ship, albeit without his diving helmet)
NC (vo): He survives, of course, and we cut to yet another bit of randomness that is so random and has nothing to do with anything, I think it might be the best scene in the movie.
(Upon hearing that Dolittle is still alive, Mudfly angrily slams a fly swatter down on a fly. However, the fly manages to climb out through one of the holes in the swatter)
Fly: It's a miracle! (flies out the window) I am the chosen one! I'm gonna change the wor– (It gets cut off, however, as it is eaten by a passing seagull)
NC: (shakes head and raises hand to accentuate height) That was the peak! Think about that!
NC (vo): While Mudfly tries to figure out how to catch them, Dolittle continues to talk in that voice you get right before you burp.
Dolittle: If we have any chance of finding the tree, we have to go to Montverde and steal that flippin' journal. What's the worst that can happen?
NC: Ah, yes, right next to...
NC (vo): ..."As you know" and "That went well" and "He's behind me, isn't he?" "What's the worst that could happen" pushes the boundaries of writing from rough draft to "Look what I wrote on this napkin"! Oh, and don't forget (An image of Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker is superimposed with that memed phrase...) "They fly now"! That's really gonna catch on!
(Soon, Dolittle's boat arrives at the island where Lily was born)
NC (vo): So, because you blink and you miss the next plot thread, they have to go to an island to get Lily's journal, which shows where the tree with the magic fruit is.
NC: Also, he's a chicken now.
(The next scene shows Dolittle disguised as a chicken)
NC (vo): Because of course he's a chicken now.
(Dolittle tries to climb up a tower, only for one of the outcroppings he tries to climb, breaks, causing him to fall)
NC (vo): Much like the intro, it looks like a lot of stuff was either changed or straight-up not shot, so a ton of narration has to fill in the cracks the size of the Cooper Canyon.
Narrator: This island of bandits and thieves was once a place Dolittle... / Dolittle and Stubbins snuck into the palace... / Once inside, their path ended at a heavily-bolted door...
Dolittle: We'll move in quietly. Look for the Tiger's Eye, all down hidden...
Narrator: And just our luck: his most prized possession was the very journal...
Dragonfly: I'll get the kid in and then fly headfirst into a brick. (laughs)
NC: This is where they reveal they've drugged us, right?
NC (vo): They're captured by the ruler of the island named Rassouli, played by Antonio Banderas, who is Lily's father and also good at talking without showing his face.
(A montage of clips is shown of Rassouli talking with his face hidden in any way)
Rassouli: All I wanted was my daughter to marry wisely... / I never understood what Lily saw in you... / The only thing of her is my men found in the wreckage...
NC: They do know the amazing thing is seeing the animals talk, right? Rather than...not seeing the actors talk?
NC (vo): Dolittle is fed to a tiger, voiced by Ralph Fiennes. Don't worry, he's wasted like all the voices in this movie.
(Chee-Chee runs in and kicks the tiger in the anatomy, causing it to howl in pain)
NC: (confused) Tiger's got nards?
NC (vo): ...allowing them to get the journal, but they're caught again by Mudfly.
(As a group of soldiers hold Tommy at gunpoint as he holds the journal, Dr. Mudfly walks up and snatches it from him and reads it)
Mudfly: "She had such a sure hand." (looks at Dolittle) Exactly what the doctor ordered. (closes book)
NC (vo; as Mudfly) This doesn't say anything about how to catch Dudley Do-Right. (normal) He orders Dolittle's ship to be destroyed and...
(Mudfly's ship manages to blow up Dolittle's ship with a single shot, which scatters everything in it, animals and all, into the water. Dramatic music plays, as Tommy watches as the ship sinks)
NC (vo; halfheartedly): Oh, yeah, play that emotional music. What a great loss. (voice turns annoyed) I was more traumatized (A shot of a man straining to take a dump in the bathroom is superimposed) by a shit I took after eating rhubarb pizza.
(Back at Queen Victoria's palace, she doesn't look like she will make it, even though she clearly looks fine. Her staff gathers around her bed while Jip the dog lies on the edge of it)
NC (vo): It also doesn't help that the Queen is (clears throat, then speaks halfheartedly) really looking like she's on the brink of death. (Lady Rose holds her hand)
Victoria: (whispers) It's difficult to say goodbye.
NC: (as Queen Victoria) I only have 40 years left. It was a good run.
NC (vo): Dolittle gives an inspirational speech.
Dolittle: We're finished. (Polynesia opens her beak in shock)
NC: Please tell me why I'm supposed to like this man.
NC (vo): But it's cool. As long as he continues to his drunk Mrs. Doubtfire impression, we'll be in good shape.
Dolittle: (hanging up a sign) ...and offer medical services to this island of random bandits. The doctor's here!
Voice: (calling out from behind) Ladies, gentlemen...
(Dolittle turns around to see who said that: it's an orangutan wearing a hat)
Orangutan: (throwing arms up in the air) Who'd like to dance? (NC stares, utterly dumbfounded, as the orangutan makes a dancing motion) I got a bad case of dancing fever! So watch out, it's infectious!
NC: (nonplussed) Well, we've done it. We are witnessing the first cinematic achievement ever created...
(The dancing orangutan is shown, along with a clip of the Improbability Engine from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
NC (vo): ...by the Improbability Engine from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
NC: I should be proud, but I'm just more scared.
NC (vo): Rassouli has a change of heart, thinking of his daughter, so he gives Dolittle a fixer-upper ship...
(Rassouli takes Dolittle, Tommy and the animals to another ship, which looks suspiciously like the original one)
Rassouli: Bit of a fixer-upper.
NC (vo): Even though it's (A shot of the original ship is shown to show much it looks like the original) clearly the exact same ship as before! ...and they ask the whales for help in catching Mudfly before he gets to the island with the magic fruit.
(Dolittle looks at a straw hat Rassouli gave him and then puts it on his head)
NC (vo; as Dolittle): Ha-ha, it's off to adventure! (Suddenly, he changes his mind and puts it on Tommy's head instead) Eh, you can have it. (normal again) They reach the island, but are once again captured because they are terrible at everything.
Mudfly: Where is it?
Dolittle: I haven't got a clue.
Mudfly: How does ignorance feel?
Dolittle: Very freeing, actually.
NC: Well, we know the motto that this film will die by.
NC (vo): It turns out all they had to do was hit the ground...
NC: (confused) Clever?
NC (vo): ...and a dragon [Ginko-Who-Soars] is revealed, because...I don't know, magic?
(Ginko-Who-Soars catches one of Mudfly's henchmen in her tail. Mudfly backs away from the dragon, but he doesn't look where he's going, and he trips and falls into a hole, screaming exaggeratedly as he does so. As we cut back to NC, the shot of The shot of Aro's laugh from Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 slides in once again, as NC laughs along with it)
NC: There you go! Perfectly timed! (suddenly becomes disappointed) I should've played it at the orangutan.
(Ginko comes up close to the camera)
NC (vo): Hey, it's Toothless' grandma, Brainless.
Ginko (voiced by Frances de la Tour): (holding Dolittle in her tail) Oh, you know nothing of my pain.
(Dolittle, struggling in Ginko's tail, looks over his shoulder to spot the skull of another dragon)
NC (vo): So they build up that the dragon lost a loved one in the past, which could be interesting, but...fuck it, let's do farts.
(Ginko collapses from literal internal pain, and Dolittle figures out what's wrong with her. He starts to do a dragon enema, and she ends up releasing a loud flatulence, which hits Dolittle and sends the squirrel flying backward into the wall)
Squirrel: (coughing and gasping for breath) I can taste it!
NC: (as squirrel) It smells like money disappearing! Lots and lots of money disappearing!
NC (vo): Dolittle helps her gas pain, so she leads them to the Tree of Souls– I mean, magic fruit. They return to the Queen, who... Oh, no! We're not even close to being too late! (Dolittle and the animals break down the door to the Queen's room) And they get her the fruit in time.
(A drop of the fruit lands in the Queen's mouth, and she comes to. Tommy and Lady Rose are relieved, while the Archbishop on hand is surprised)
NC (vo): The religious dude is like, "Oh, thank God! All I had was Jesus!" It also looks like he left a stick bug behind overhearing that Lord Badgley planned the Queen's demise.
(Realizing the jig is up, Lord Badgley swipes a knife from one of the guards and threatens everyone's lives with it)
Squirrel: No one messes with my family! Take one more step and I'll rip you a brand-new a–
(He doesn't finish as the guards arrest Badgley for his attempted murder)
NC: Nothing even interrupted that swear word.
NC (vo): He just stopped at "a" because he thought the trailer would be dumb enough to use it...
(We cut to the final scene, where Dolittle and the Queen leave the premises)
NC (vo): ...when clearly they were too busy focusing on this amazing shot where he closed a door.
Offscreen voice: (singing) Oh, what a wonderful world...
(As Dolittle closes the door, the image fades to black and the title "Dolittle" is shown again)
NC: That was the hook at the end. That should have been your first clue.
(The final scene of the movie is shown, with Dolittle having reopened the doors to his sanctuary and including Tommy as his new apprentice)
Narrator: Our story ends the way it began...
NC (vo; as narrator): Combining fear with immediate regret.
Narrator: It's only by helping others...that we can truly help...ourselves.
(The sign on the sanctuary gate reads: "Dr. DOLITTLE & APPRENTICE – All Species Welcome")
NC (vo): Yeah...if you changed that to (The word "script" is added over "Dr.") "Script Doctor", maybe this would be a happier ending.
NC: As is, this is some bonkers shit, man!
(Footage of the movie is shown one last time as NC gives his closing thoughts)
NC (vo): I can't even begin to get across how maddening the pacing, sloppily the editing, confusing the acting, and baffling the directing on this movie is. I can show clips, but you really have to see it as a whole to understand what a madhouse they've created. Dolittle bombed hard at the box office, and it's no question why. It's almost like three movies were written, one-and-a-half were shot, and all the important pieces were left out. I give credit; it does almost dabble into new territories of awful, like, say, Freddy Got Fingered or The Room, but even that kind of feels like it's giving it too much credit. It's just a little too passionless and familiar to enter those realms, but it does come pretty close. If you're curious in that sense, it might be worth looking at, but if not, this is one of the few doctor's visits you definitely want to avoid.
(Then NC looks as he hears Downey's agent, who massages the bridge of his nose)
Agent: I don't believe it. I don't believe it.
NC: I know, it's hard to believe the Downeys made such a stinker.
Agent: No, that you did a Doctor Dolittle review without including your talking cat in it.
(Surprised, NC looks over toward his cat, Chaplin)
Chaplin ("voiced" by Doug): You silly goose, cats can't talk! (The agent is surprised) This is why your movie failed.
NC: Indeed it is.
Chaplin: I'm Chaplin.
NC: That you are. Let's get out of here, buddy!
(Then we see Chaplin, now a giant, flying through the air, with NC riding on his back)
NC: (pumping his arm) YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAH!! (nods)
(Then we cut to a message reading: "SORRY, I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO END THIS.")
Channel Awesome tagline – Jip: ...and that's coming from a guy who loves the smell of butts.
Dolittle: Ooh, you do love butt.
(The credits roll)