Doctor Who Classics #7
February 14, 2011
It's the double-sized finale of the Vyce Arc! Will Linkara prevail against the interdimensional conqueror?
Linkara: Well, there you go. (tosses robot arm aside) Message is away. Now all we need to do is wait.
Iron Liz: Ah, waiting, the fun part.
(They sit in silence for a few moments)
Linkara: You ever stop and think and realize our lives are kind of weird?
Iron Liz: No, what do you mean?
Linkara: We're about to fight an inter-dimensional conqueror using weapons from Star Trek, Power Rangers, and a whole bunch of other crap, and yet I review comic books and you review table top RPGs. This doesn't seem weird to you?
Iron Liz: No, not really.
Linkara: Huh, I guess you right, just making conversation.
Iron Liz: Look, there's still some stuff I want to work on while we wait. Can’t you review, like, a Power Rangers comic or something?
Linkara: Eh, I just reviewed a Power Rangers comic a few weeks ago. Oh! That reminds me. (pulls out the Power Rangers morpher from his coat pocket) Finally fixed it. (gives it to Liz) Might come in handy during the fight.
Iron Liz: Thanks. Well, I'm sure you'll think of something. Make sure you're ready; Vyce could come at any time.
(Liz gets up and leaves the room. Linkara opens a panel in his coffee table and finds "Doctor Who Classics #7". The title sequence plays, followed by the title card)
Linkara: Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. I loved Doctor Who before it was cool to love Doctor Who.
(Footage of Doctor Who is shown)
Linkara (v/o): I started watching Doctor Who when I was three years old and my parents had tapes of the Seventh Doctor. I loved these episodes. I loved the Daleks and the Cybermen and this magical man with a question mark umbrella who traveled through all of time and space in a magic box that was bigger on the inside than it was on the outside. For those of you who still don't know what the heck I’m talking about, Doctor Who is a British science-fiction series that began in 1963. The overall story is about an alien being known only as "The Doctor", who travels through time and space with one or more companions, usually humans, and hijinks ensue. The great thing about the series, and I think part of the reason why it's managed to endure for so long, is that it has the greatest story telling engine ever: a Doctor Who story can literally be anywhere or anytime. Want to do a story about cavemen? Can do! How about a story with Charles Dickens having to encounter actual ghosts? Equally possible! Okay, how about futuristic Arthurian knights traveling from an alternate universe into ours and fighting with swords and laser guns in an attempt to obtain Excalibur? Oh, hell, yeah!
(A clip of the show is shown, showing the Seventh Doctor casually walking through a sword fight)
Linkara (v/o): Speaking of, this episode, "Battlefield", is probably my favorite episode, tied for that spot with "Remembrance of the Daleks".
Linkara: It is without a doubt some of the most creative science fiction ever made and stands alongside shows like Babylon 5 or Star Trek as its own unique identity with a rich mythology.
Linkara (v/o): Now, don't get me wrong, the old series had plenty of bad episodes, boring episodes, and... well, laughable special effects, even by the standards of the times they were made in. But when did flashy special effects need to be the thing that made science-fiction good? After the show was canceled in 1989 due to low ratings, there was first an attempt to bring the show back in 1996 with a TV movie. In my opinion, the movie was flawed but entertaining, but failed for a number of reasons. However, it was then brought back successfully in 2005. I love the new series and all of its seasons, and yes, I like Matt Smith's portrayal so far, though I think the flaw so far in his first season were that they didn't give him a chance to really do a lot of spectacular things. But on the second run-through, I liked the episodes a lot more, and I'm just rambling now.
Linkara: As such, let me really quickly answer several common questions people have: Favorite Doctor is the Seventh, Sylvester McCoy. Favorite episodes, I listed already. My favorite companion is Charley Pollard from the audio dramas. And yes, I listen to the audio dramas, and I love them! And I'm sure there are more questions people will ask now, because I've forgotten them. (feels somewhat embarrassed)
(Shots of a Doctor Who comic is shown)
Linkara (v/o): And of course, since we're here, there was naturally a comic book series – several, in fact. You may have noticed that this episode I'm reviewing an issue of "Doctor Who Classics". These are reprint issues of comics originally produced by Marvel's UK division for Doctor Who Magazine, called "Doctor Who Monthly" at the time; the magazine has undergone several name changes. This one features stories from issues number 67 through 69 in the second series of IDW Publishing's "Doctor Who Classics" line.
Linkara: So, let's reverse the polarity of the neutron flow and... that was a terrible joke... and instead, (holds up today's comic) why don't we just dig into "Doctor Who Classics #7".
(Cut to a closeup of the comic)
Linkara (v/o): This cover is great, aside from the cheesy dialogue on it, featuring what appears to be either a giant robot or a giant alien looming over some guy and the Fifth Doctor.
Linkara: Yeah, I should probably explain the "Fifth Doctor" thing. Some of you are probably scratching your heads wondering why, if this show is about the titular Doctor, it could continually be going on for over 45 years.
(Footage of the Doctors of the series is shown)
Linkara (v/o): When the first actor playing the Doctor, William Hartnell, decided to leave the show, the writers conceived the idea that the Doctor's species, Time Lords, had the ability to regenerate, that when near death, their entire body's cells could reorganize themselves to heal any wounds they might have, the result of which being an entirely new appearance, as well as the various parts of his personality being reorganized and reshuffled. He's the same guy, but different traits are emphasized over others. Sometimes, the Doctor is a suave, sophisticated scientist; other, a manipulative chess master, or optimistically giddy, or...
(A clip of the Sixth Doctor barely choking Peri in the "Twin Dilemma" episode is shown)
Linkara (v/o): ...psychotic. Oh, but I kid, Colin Baker. I want that coat. Anyway, today's stories will feature the Fifth Doctor, as played by Peter Davison. The Fifth Doctor was probably the sweetest and kindest of the Doctors, abhorring violence in any regard and also being a huge fan of cricket.
(Cut back to the comic, which opens to the first page)
Linkara (v/o): Anyway, we open to "The Tides Of Time: Part 7"!
Linkara: (awkwardly) Yeeeeeeeah, okay, I might have screwed the pooch by picking this one for us to jump into.
Linkara (v/o): Fortunately, like a good multi-part comic, it takes the time to give a brief explanation of what the heck’s going on.
Narrator: In the unimaginably distant system of Althrace, at the heart of a white hole, an extrodinary experiment is taking place...
Linkara: (as narrator) How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
Narrator: The manipulation of time itself... Higher Evolutionaries throughout the known universe have linked their mental faculties in a vast network...
Linkara: (as narrator) And yet, all they do all day is exchange tweets.
Narrator: With the purpose of suspending time and discovering the whereabouts of the Event Synthesiser, stolen by the demon Melanicus!
Linkara: I'm not sure if I should call that "Poor Literacy Is Cool", a dumb name, or if it's a British thing to replace a Z with an S. Because otherwise, what exactly is "Synthesiser"?
Narrator: Meanwhile, The Doctor was standing by awaiting the vital co-ordinates of the Synthesiser's exact location...
Linkara: (as a random guy) B6. (as a second random guy) Miss.
Linkara (v/o): Along with the Doctor is what appears to be a medieval knight named Justin.
Fifth Doctor: We'll be safe inside the TARDIS, Justin... The effects of time-bending won't reach us in here! However... on the chronometer of absolute time, we'll see what the effects are on the rest of time...I think something's happening already!
Linkara (v/o): Um, Doctor, there all on "9". This is like what happens when a digital clock is flashing "12". He says the Higher Evolutionaries have reached a state of equilibrium. Such a meditation on such a grand scale allows them to pierce the nature of reality, see beyond time and space, blah, blah, blah. I'm sure this would be very fascinating if it wasn't being narrated to us by someone who isn't actually experiencing it. He receives coordinates for the synthesinser, which is Earth in the distant future. Since it's the future, it's also after a big war has devastated the planet. Naturally, while all human life has been wiped out, there still exists a perfectly good teddy bear just lying there and a perfectly breathable atmosphere. The TARDIS arrives, and the Doctor and Justin walk out, coming across a ruined church. They hear organ music from inside of it, but all I can think of it how bizarre it is that in the future, there's a huge ringed planet just sitting next to Earth.
(Cut to a clip of Highlander: The Source)
Methos: But that could just be an orbital wobble.
Linkara (v/o): The two enter and behold a guy at some kind of pipe organ that's been converted into a giant H.R. Giger nightmare.
Fifth Doctor: Good grief! There it is... the Event Synthesiser! (Linkara pronounces it "Synthesiseseses!", with several Ss)
Linkara: Wow! That's it, huh? It looks... what exactly is going on in this story again?
Linkara (v/o): The guy at the organ starts playing it, and Justin takes the Doctor's hat and fills it holy water from a nearby bowl. He hurls the water at the guy at the organ, revealing him to be the aforementioned demon, Melanicus! Melanicus then transforms into a giant fire-breathing...troll... dragon... thing... Uh, did I mention we’re coming into this story at part 7? Then a zombie comes out of the ground and attack the Doctor. Our title character is saved by Justin, who probably kills the random zombie while Melanicus apparently decided to take a smoke break or something, since I don't know why he'd leave. Actually, it's because he's now climbing outside of the bell tower for reasons unknown. However, he's stopped by the arrival of this guy with a Magic 8-ball for a head. From what I’ve read, this guy is actually part of an on-going subplot in the Doctor Who comics, but for now, all he does is shoot Melanicus in the eyes, causing it to fall. He manages to grab onto a window right where Justin and the Doctor are looking.
Justin: There! There at the window... he seeks to escape by climbing the tower... It cannot be...
Linkara: (as Justin, pretending to hold up a sword) I have a clean shot for his crotch and I'm going to take it! (starts reaching toward the camera)
Linkara (v/o): Actually, Justin drives his sword into its chest, and then it... uh, explodes. Okay... Then the Event Synergon– Oh, whatever, the pipe organ turns on, and the Doctor is knocked out. I'm sure this all would be very interesting if I knew what in the hell is going on. When the Doctor comes to, he sees Justin is now a statue in the wall with an epitaph written beneath the statue. The Doctor's confused, and so are we, especially when a guy comes to get him, telling him he's up next at bat for cricket. While he starts setting up his swing, he contemplates everything that has happened, having more than his fair share of questions.
Narrator: A hush had fallen over the village green...The Doctor's mind had gone numb...
Linkara: So is mine. I honestly don't know what the heck just happened, and I fear even in context, this wouldn't make much sense.
Linkara (v/o): And so, the story ends with the Doctor scoring four runs, while Marble-Headed Guy stalks in the bushes.
(Cut to a second story in the book)
Linkara (v/o): As I said, this series collected multiple stories, so now we get a two-parter to finish off the issue: "Stars Fell On Stockbridge". We being within that village, located in Gloucestershire. We meet this guy, Maxwell Edison.
Maxwell Edison: (thinking as he listens to something on headphones) I've got something! I've really got something!
Linkara: (as Maxwell, pretending to wear headphones) Yes, I've got it! I've got it! I've got the rich sounds of the Light FM.
Narrator: Maxwell Edison... known affectionately to the villagers as 'Mad Max' was a man of many talents...
Linkara: (as narrator) He could stand in an empty field with radio equipment on him for hours on end!
Narrator: Astrologer, medium, water diviner, soothsayer, full-time vegetarian, and part-time U.F.O. spotter...</p>
Linkara: How exactly is being a vegetarian a "talent"?
Linkara (v/o): Max spots a meteorite crashing down on the planet and proceeds on his motorcycle towards it. The patrons of a nearby pub spot him driving away.
Pub patron: Look! There goes Mad Max!
Linkara: Why do they call him "Mad Max" anyway? Is it because of the motorcycle, plus his craziness? I don't know, it just seems like a long way to go for the nickname. Or maybe they just can't get beyond "Thunderdome". Ha! (points to camera) I'm catching up now, Spoony!
Linkara (v/o): Max crashes his bike and proceeds on foot in search of the crash site. Using his diving rod... Yeah, the guy's clearly nuts, but a little stupid, too. You use those things to find water, not aliens... he starts wandering around to continue his search. He literally bumps into the TARDIS and accidentally falls inside. I’m not kidding here; he trips backwards and falls into it. Hordes of alien menaces were unable to get inside the things, but this guy loses his footing and just kinda stumbles inside. Max, being kind of crazy, latches on to the idea that the TARDIS is from Venus... because the console is short? I don't know. The Doctor asks him not to touch anything and Max introduces himself as the Earth ambassador and that he found the Doctor using his Bio-Kinetic Energizing Ray. When the Doctor takes a closer look at it, however...
Fifth Doctor: (thinking) It's just an empty box... with a few loose wires!
Linkara: Hmm, much like Max, actually.
Linkara (v/o): Using some made-up coordinates Max gives him, the Doctor learns that something is on its way to Earth as they speak. Why the heck he's tolerating a complete wacko is anyone's guess, since Max keeps talking about whether or not the Doctor will do tests on him or not. He flies the TARDIS up to the ship, rematerializing inside of it. The two go out and start walking abound for no discernible reason other than the plot needs to get going, hearing a loud noise from nearby. Max says he can sense a presence.
Max: It speaks to me of emptiness... a vast, aching emptiness! And lonely, so very lonely!
Linkara: Yeah, I felt that same way when I watched "Love and Monsters"*.
- NOTE: "Love and Monsters" is a Doctor Who episode widely agreed to be one of the worst.
Linkara (v/o): The feelings of loneliness expand into outright anguish and despair and becomes too much for Max, knocking him unconscious.
Text: Next: IT!
(Cut to a clip from the TV movie IT, where Pennywise is laughing in the library)
Pennywise: (lightly knocking on his crotch several times with his fist] Wah-Ha! Wah-ha! Wah-ha!
(Cut back to the Doctor Who comic again)
Linkara (v/o): Part 2 is actually included in this story, so now it's time for the exciting conclusion to this... um, this. The Doctor revives Max with some smelling salts, but Max admits he can already feel it coming at him again and he runs away, since that's a nicely stupid thing this character can do. The Doctor wanders around looking for Max for a while, until he's confronted by EVIL ALIEN SNUFFLEAPAGUS!
(A dramatic sting is heard at this point)
Linkara (v/o): No, actually it's an empty space suit that just falls out of a closet. So far, our hero's greatest contributions have been to play cricket and stumble around in the dark. The Doctor hears Max calling out to him and follows the voice until it leads him back to the TARDIS. The Doctor decides to try a smarter approach and does an infrared scan of the ship's interior, locating Max. He dematerializes the TARDIS over to him, where Max is alone in a fetal position against a wall.
Narrator: He had reached the point where a more rational man would have cracked... but still he held on...
Linkara: Hey, neat! His insanity is actually coming in handy.
Linkara (v/o): The Doctor tells Max that he heard him calling, but Max yells at him that it wasn't him.
Max: It was the thing... The thing in the dark! I didn't call out... It wasn't my voice! IT WASN’T MY VOICE!
Linkara (v/o): Annnnnnd the Doctor slaps him.
(Cut to a clip from Airplane)
Dr. Rumack (Leslie Nielsen): (addressing a passenger, a panicky woman) I'll take care of this. (shakes panicky woman) Calm down. Calm down! Get a hold of yourself! (slaps her)
Nun: (taps Rumack on the shoulder) Doctor, you're wanted on the phone.
(Dr. Rumack slaps the panicky woman again and leaves as the nun shakes her)
Nun (Maureen McGovern): Everything's going to be all right! Please! (slaps her)
(Cut back to the comic)
Linkara (v/o): Yeah, I can't think of many instances where the Doctor slaps a guy.
(Cut to a clip of another Doctor Who episode, "The Ribos Operation")
Graff Vynda-K: How dare you touch me!
(He slaps the Fourth Doctor with his glove; the Fourth Doctor returns the favor; cut back to the comic again)
Linkara (v/o): The Doctor tell Max that they're alone on the ship and that he didn't detect any other life-forms. Yeah, but you've encountered psychic beings or energy beings before that wouldn't show up in infrared, you know? Max says he knows that there is one and that his diving rod led him to a large wall. As such, the Doctor decides to see for himself, burning a whole in the wall. Much to his surprise after he's done, the chunk of wall he cut out flies out and a huge gust of wind follows. After the wind dissipates, the two enter the control room of the ship, where the controls of the ship itself have decayed and withered away over time. Seems really, really unlikely, since it's metal and all, but hey, what do I know about alien space ships? The Doctor speculates that an enormous amount of time must have passed between its initial launch and the current date, furthermore, that something may have lived on the ship over all that time and evolved over thousands of years.
Linkara: Pretty sure evolution doesn't work like that.
Linkara (v/o): The two leave since the Doctor realizes the ship is getting warmer, no doubt due to its beginning to enter Earth's atmosphere. The two leave and rematerialize on Earth. The Doctor says his farewells to Max and tells him the ship is going to be breaking up in the Earth's atmosphere within an hour and it'll make a spectacular site. And so, our comic ends with Max telling the villagers, who had mocked him earlier, that they should take a look out the window at the appropriate time. When they do and see a meteor shower, they start treating him with a little more respect.
Narrator: The night that stars fell on Stockbridge.
Linkara: Speaking of, we never did get an answer on what the heck that first meteor was. (closes comic and holds it up) This comic... (hesitates slightly) It doesn't suck, but I have a hard time calling it good.
Linkara (v/o): For a Doctor Who comic, the Doctor is almost completely superfluous in both stories. Justin is the one who kills the demon; the Doctor just plays cricket! In the second story, we get no answers to what just happened, no resolution on what was going on with Max, or what happened on the ship. All we get is vague speculation and while sometimes ambiguity can be an asset. In this case, it just makes me wonder what the heck the point of the story was. The Doctor in these stories isn't clever, doesn't say anything all that witty or interesting; he's just kind of along for the ride. On the other hand though, the stories are inoffensive and harmless. Few people could give me any examples of a bad Doctor Who comic and even then, it tended to be a story or two that I actually thought was pretty good.
(Cut to a shot of a cover of "Silent Hill: Dying Inside")
Linkara (v/o): Speaking of, remember Ben Templesmith, the first artist on "Silent Hill: Dying Inside" and how I bashed artwork here?
(Cut to a shot of another Doctor Who comic...)
Linkara (v/o): Well, in the interest of fair play, check out the one-shot, "Doctor Who: The Whispering Gallery", where not only is the story fantastic, but his slightly surreal artwork really complements the atmosphere.
Linkara: So, there you have it, a Doctor Who comic, and while it didn't outright suck, maybe it was at least a little entertaining.
Pollo: (speaking over communicator) Linkara, I'm detecting the energy trace.
Linkara: (to Pollo) Fantastic! (to camera) Allons-y, everybody!
(He gets up and leaves, going into the living room with Iron Liz)
Liz: Ready as I'll ever be.
(Lord Vyce teleports in)
Lord Vyce: I'll rid this universe of–
(He is surprised, however, to see Liz powering up the BFG as Linkara gives it more energy with his Tenth Doctor Sonic Screwdriver)
Linkara: NOW, PUNCH IT!
(They fire it at Vyce, which knocks him back. Linkara puts the BFG down as Liz walks up to Vyce with her swords. She strikes, but Vyce deflects it with his gauntlet. He then punches her to the ground. Linkara then makes his way towards him with Saba, the sword of the MMPR White Ranger, but Vyce kicks him away. Liz then fires a TNG phaser at Vyce, followed by Linkara doing likewise. Vyce is saved by his personal force field, however. He creates an X with his arms and throws the phasers blasts away from him, causing Linkara and Liz to stop firing. Liz tries to get her phaser to turn back on as Vyce advances on her. She fires, but Vyce uses a force field on his hand to save him. He moves his hand to send the blast back to Liz.)
Vyce: Unimportant whelp!
(Suddenly, Linkara hits Vyce on his shoulder with a cane)
Linkara: That woman stands alongside me and fights for this universe with as much bravery and courage as any champion! You're in my house, Vyce, and you will show her respect!
(Linkara tries to hit Vyce again, but Vyce catches the cane)
Vyce: Very well. (punches Linkara to the ground) She will die alongside you, then.
(Linkara crawls over to Liz)
Liz: Don't you think it's time?
Linkara: No, we have to hold on until the last possible second, or else we've got nothing to fall back on.
(Linkara rolls away from where he was as Vyce nearly stomps on him. Liz tries to hit him with one of her swords, but Vyce kicks her. He then grabs Linkara by the throat and presses him against a wall)
Vyce: It was not wise to provoke me.
(As Vyce holds Linkara, the latter gets the Tenth and Eleventh Doctors Sonic Screwdrivers out of his pocket)
Linkara: You know what, Vyce? I think you just need some good vibrations.
(With both Sonic Screwdrivers in his hands, Linkara holds them up to Vyce's helmet and turns them on. Vyce screams in agony, but them throws him to the ground. Linkara tries to use them against Vyce again, but Vyce goes to Linkara and squeezes his wrists until Linkara lets go of the Sonic Screwdrivers. Before he can do anything else to Linkara, however, he is shot in the back by and energy blast. The source of the blast is Lieutenant Munro wielding the Magna Blaster (main weapon of the Magna Defender from Power Ranger: Lost Galaxy)
Lt. Munro: Is this a private party or can anyone join?
Vyce: Who are you?
Munro: The name's Lieutenant Munro, (cocks Magna Blaster) and this one's for Beissman.
(Munro fires at Vyce, to no effect, so Vyce takes the weapon and holds Munro by the throat)
Vyce: Ah, yes, the champion who fought off the Vohrsoth. I will deal with you later.
(Vyce knocks Munro against a wall, knocking him out, and leaves him against the wall. Vyce goes over to Linkara and drags him to another part of the room. Meanwhile, Harvey Finevoice goes to Munro and taps him on the shoulder)
Harvey: Hey, kid, wake up! (Munro stirs, then comes to and faces Harvey) C'mon, kid, this ain’t no time to be loafing, we got stuff we got to do.
(Meanwile, Vyce drags Linkara and Iron Liz across the room)
Vyce: Your valor is impressive. (drops Linkara and Liz to the floor) After I've cut of your heads, (presses a button on his gauntlet) I shall hang them on the bridge of my vessel, so that I can always remember this fight.
(As Linkaran and Liz lay unconscious, Vyce tries to push the button on his gauntlet, but there seems to be no response)
Vyce: What? (madly presses the button) Shade 1, report! Why have you not returned me? Shade 1, report!
(Meanwhile, Linkara and Liz come to, having faked their unconsciousness. Murray Gold's "I Am the Doctor" plays at this point)
Liz: I think that's our cue!
Linkara: Oh, yes!
(They get up and face Vyce)
Vyce: What?! My energy? (Linkara and Liz laugh) What have you done?!
Linkara: (on his MMPR wrist communicator) Calling AngryJoe, are you receiving me?
(On Vyce's ship, the Shades are being shot at by AngryJoe and his army of AngryJoe clones)
Angry Joe: (to his army) Move in! To the right! To the– (sees Shade near him) Hey!
(He shoots it in the head, and it tries to choke him, but Joe electrocutes it with his lightning powers)]</p>
Joe: (to more AngryJoe soldiers) Move in! C'mon! C'mon! GO, GO! Take over there! To the left! (shoots at more Shades) C'mon, you apes, you wanna live forever? (puts a finger to his communicator) Joe here.
Linkara: What's your status?
Joe: My forces have taken the bridge, engineering, and most of the upper levels. Resistance has been strong, but without Vyce to direct them, these Shades aren't what they used to be.
Vyce: But... how? How could these forces get past the defense shield?!
Joe: (shooting more Shades) Is that Lord Vyce? Tell him he's an asshole, for me!
Vyce: Who is that?!
Joe: The name's AngryJoe, Lord of Lame! Remember it! (shoots more Shades)
Vyce: This is impossible! Nothing can get past my vessel's shields! How did this force get through?</p>
(Cut back to the ship as Dr. Linksano makes his way up the screen, laughing crazily)
Dr. Linksano: Well, it seems things are falling apart around you, Lord Vyce. (cackles)
Vyce: Linksano? What are you doing?!
Linksano: What I was sent here to do! I'm sick and tired of running from universe to universe in fear of you! I WANT TO BE THE CONQUEROR, DAMN IT!
Linkara: (to Vyce) Linksano is insane. A month after you kidnapped me, he contacted me and came up with the idea of being a spy, getting on your ship through an offer of working for you. He has lowered the temporal shields around your ship and disabled its power system. You should have kept him on a shorter leash.
Vyce: This... This is intolerable! How could this have happened?!
Liz: You did it yourself, Vyce.
Linkara: Coming here yourself was your mistake. I had Pollo examine the debris of the Shades we destroyed. None of them had any internal power; it was always being fed from your ship. It had a very distinct energy trace, one that we detected when you came to fight me the last time.
Liz: Oh, sure, maybe in other universes, you're a complete badass, but here? (winces slightly) Not so much. (makes gesture implying that Vyce has... small privates)
Linkara: Not all universes are the same. In some universes, you need to act through agents like the Vohrsoth, because those universes are so different from yours that you can't enter them. And in our universe, you need a constant supply of power in order to stay strong.
Liz: But I'm willing to bet it's even worse than that.
Linkara: Indeed it is. When I damaged your suit, you had to retreat, because you can't survive in this universe without it.
Liz: And you're terrified of dying, since you think you’re the only one who can stop this Entity that you're after.
Linkara: And when I poked your ego, you left your ship wide open to attack! Your empire is crumbling around you and... (realizes something) Hey! (takes out the Third Doctor's Sonic Screwdriver) I didn't even have to use my third sonic screwdriver!
Vyce: Do you think that was my only source of power? I AM LORD VYCE! EVERYTHING I SEE, I CONQUER! AND I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED BY THE LIKES OF YOU!!
(Linkara puts his Zeo morpher on his wrists while Liz holds his MMPR moprher, both get then in their morphing positions)
Linkara and Liz: It's morphin' time!
(In a morphing sequence, Linkara's white zeo suit appears on him. Liz gets a morph sequence like on MMPR)
Liz: By the might of Corellon Larethain!
(Medieval armor appears on Liz as she wields her her swords. She and Linkara are ready to fight Vyce. They manage to land a few blows. Vyce fires his laser at Linkara, knocking him back. Vyce fires at Linkara again, but Liz goes in front of Linakra, deflecting its energy of her swords. She puts them down, causing the energy to deflect back at Vyce. Liz then advances on Vyce, but he kicks her)
Linkara: Uh-oh, time for a fan service moment.
(He holds up the power coin for the MMPR Green Ranger, causing Linkara to now have his torso shield piece. Vyce fires again, but Linkara protects himself with a force field created by playing the Dragon Dagger)
Linkara: Hey, Vyce! I'm just distracting you so she can stab you.
(As Vyce turns around, Liz stabs him in the side with both her swords. Vyce staggers down as Liz heads back to Linkara's side)
Linkara: (calling out) All right, everybody, now's our chance!
(Linkara and Liz are then joined by 90s Kid, Harvey, and Munro. Vyce staggers up to see them all. Munro is wielding the BFG, Harvey has his machine gun, 90s Kid has the BFG, Liz has her swords, and Linkara has the magic gun)
Linkara: Everybody, take aim! (they do)
Vyce: This... This cannot be the end! (holds up his hand) NO!!
(They fire at Vyce, while Liz sends energy balls at Vyce with her swords. All that firepower causes Vyce to fall to the ground, out for the count. Our heroes gather around his body. Linkara contemplates as the others talk)
Harvey: Geez, is that mook still alive?
Pollo: Yes, but he is unconscious.
90s Kid: Duuude! We should just shoot him again!
Munro: Would that even do anything, after all of that?
Harvey: Kid, what do you think we should do with him?
(Cut to Linkara (in his normal clothes) and Vyce in what looks like part of a snowy forest)
Linkara: Your data banks on other universes were very thorough. This world is one you can survive in without your suit, but if the winter lasts too long, the suit itself has enough power for 400 years. There's no technology, no civilization, no sentient life forms within 50,000 light-years. We don't have the power to kill you, and all those universes you enslaved are in no shape to take you. Hell, Pollo is still having issues disabling the quadrillions of Shades and other creatures you commanded across so many dimensions. We have to settle for exile.
Vyce: You have doomed the multiverse to the Entity. Know this, someday you will come crawling for my help again.
Linkara: Oh, yes, this "Entity" you claim you're after. You know, it's funny, I don’t recall many good guys that enslave countless people in his obsessive quest, nor many that refer to themselves as "Lord".
Vyce: You shall regret these actions!
Linkara: Maybe, but not today, thank you. (takes out his Eleventh Doctor Sonic Screwdriver) Bye-bye!
(He presses a button on the screwdriver and teleports away. Cut to Vyce's ship orbiting Earth, where Linkara stands on the bridge, communicating with AngryJoe in his space station)
Linkara: AngryJoe, just wanted to say thanks for all your help in all of this.
Joe: (using his ear communicator) For sure, Linkara. AngryJoe out.
(He gets interrupted by another communication)
Angry Joe Soldier: Joe, enemy fleet approaching. It seems to be... Admiral Ackbar.
Joe: Ackbar?! ACKBAR! On screen!
(As he leaves the room, the screen displays Admiral Ackbar from Star Wars: Return of the Jedi; cut back to Linkara on Vyce's ship; he has been joined by Iron Liz)
Liz: Well, we did a basic scan of the ship, but there's still a lot of work to do.
Linkara: That's fine. (looks around, marveling) This is a really nice ship, you know that?
Liz: Do you really think we should keep this ship? I mean, it's pretty damn powerful.
Linkara: You know, maybe you're right. I mean, is there any one person who could be trusted with this much destructive power? The capabilities of this thing are... incalculable. And can I really be trusted to keep it? You know, maybe... maybe we should destroy it.
Liz: Do you really mean that?
Linkara: (beat) HELL NO, IT'S MINE NOW! I've gotta figure out what I'm gonna name the thing! (excited) Ooh, I'm gonna go see if there's a mini bar!
(He runs off as Liz shakes her head and follows him)
(end credits roll)
Oh, yeah – favorite audio drama is Scherzo, followed in a close second by Chimes of Midnight.
I was originally going to review the Power Rangers Turbo/Beetleborg Metallix comic, but I figured two Power Rangers comics so close to each other would probably be too much.
And the moral of the story is... Don't make fun of insane weirdos who track UFOs with empty boxes and dividing rods, because they may end up on a superfluous and pointless alien ship. ...wait, what?
(Stinger: Someone – or something – is seen in Linkara's apartment, as the camera is viewed from its perspective, making a strange buzzing sound)
Voice: (buzzing sound) Huuuman...
(Static appears on the screen as the voice laughs)