Doctor Who Classic Comics #15
December 23, 2013
Doctor Who uses magic to fight a demon in order to protect Santa Claus. Yes, seriously.
(Linkara stands in his living room, next to a Christmas tree, wearing a Santa hat over his regular hat)
Linkara: Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. The final Christmas comic of the year once more brings us a science-fiction franchise treat. However, it doesn't have as many Grinches, so it possesses far less rhymes. Fortunately, we all can remember, those wonderful good times. (smiles)
(Cut to a shot of a "Doctor Who Classics" comic)
Linkara (v/o): So, last October, when I announced the upcoming episodes, I said I might do a special episode on November 23. Obviously, that did not end up happening. The plan was that if I had time, I would review the very first Doctor Who comic ever made in honor of the show's fiftieth anniversary. And... yeah, that did not end up happening.
Linkara: Besides, most people will be watching all the annoying programming on BBC America and the lead-up to the fiftieth anniversary instead of my stupid comic book show that's only slightly less annoying.
(Cut back to the Doctor Who comic again)
Linkara (v/o): But hey, conveniently, we're still pretty close to said anniversary, and wouldn't you know it, there's a Doctor Who comic that's Christmas-themed and wildly out of continuity with its show. Just like the "Star Trek: TNG" comic!
Linkara: It's a Christmas miracle! And by "miracle", I mean "coincidence"!
(Cut to footage of Doctor Who involving the Time War)
Linkara (v/o): And because I anticipate this question a kajillion times in the comments, my opinion of the fiftieth anniversary special: I liked it, I thought it was good. However, I thought it was only a good episode of the show. As a fiftieth anniversary, it felt lacking and focused only on aspects of the revived series instead of the entire show's run, preferring only to stick in little references to the past. For a better fiftieth anniversary celebration, check out the audio drama, The Light at the End, which is actually about the Doctor's entire life, instead of The Time War. Any other Doctor Who questions I refer back to the last Doctor Who comic review, unless it's a question about Peter Capaldi, which is an interesting thing to ask me about, considering I don't actually own a Tardis and therefore do not know the future and therefore cannot have a real opinion about it.
Linkara: Well, as far as you know, anyway. Shh. (taps his nose)
(Cut to a shot of the Doctor Who comic again)
Linkara (v/o): So anyway, "Doctor Who Classic Comics", a reprint series which is totally a different name from "Doctor Who Classics", which is also a reprint series. In this case, it reprints the first Doctor Who comic strip, which ran in a book called... well, "TV Comic Strips".
Linkara: Gotta love having people who couldn't even come up with an imaginative name for their comic book trying to work on an imaginative science fiction show.
Linkara (v/o): And technically, they were a bit imaginative, in that they came up with ideas that ended up being used in the Peter Cushing movies. We'll get to that. Anyway, like I said, we're from the reprints today, since the original comics date back to the '60s.
(Cut to a shot of the original Doctor Who show in the '60s)
Linkara (v/o): In fact, the first part of the story came out at the same time as the infamous and missing part of the Dalek Master Plan, where the Doctor breaks the fourth wall to wish everyone at home a Merry Christmas.
Linkara: Good thing that nobody on this show does anything like that, am I right? So let's dig into (holds up the comic of discussion...) "Doctor Who Classic Comics #15".
(AT4W title sequence is shown, followed by a shot of the title cover for this episode, with the Doctor Who theme playing in the background)
(Cut to the same shot of the Doctor Who comic again)
Linkara (v/o): Our cover features... features... Oh, dear Lord... Well, I never knew that the Smurfs were Christmas-themed, but here you go. This... thing... we'll call it an elf, for simplicity's sake... has a wizard's cap on his head. As well as a yellow, six-pointed star.
Linkara: (now wearing the Doctor's multicolored scarf) Who would've guessed that Santa was Jewish? And a wizard?
Linkara (v/o): The artwork on the Doctor is... mixed. Visually, he looks like William Hartnell, but his head is too huge. Maybe the elf is a Smurf and he's actually just standing next to a First Doctor bobble head. (reading text on side of cover) "Toast the festive season with a Christmas story!"
Linkara: Watch the Doctor shoot Ralphie's eye out!
Linkara (v/o): We open with a panel that... just describes what's on the panel right next to it.
Narrator: Dr. Who and the two children–
Linkara: (holding up hand) Stop! Yeah, right out of the gate, his name in this is Doctor Who. Considering all the other continuity errors present, I'm going to assume that it's actually the Doctor Who from the movie King Kong Escapes, (holds up index finger) who built a giant robotic mechani-Kong.
Linkara (v/o): That being said, the Doctor is actually traveling around with two preteens, so the potentially creepy undertones about what the Doctor and his companions do in the Tardis take on a whole new level of creepy.
Narrator: The ground is covered in a carpet of snow and beyond the clearing in which the Tardis has landed they see snow-topped pine trees – the scene is very picturesque.
Linkara: (as narrator) If we tell you it's beautiful, then we don't have to put any effort into actually making it beautiful.
Narrator: The children are delighted but Dr. Who looks somewhat puzzled.
Linkara: (as the Doctor) What the hell is this white stuff everywhere? Oreo creme?
Linkara (v/o): And thus we see the Doctor and the two kids, John and Gillian. Gillian has this remark...
Gillian: Ooh! It looks just like Christmas!
Linkara: (as Gillian, pointing at something) Look at all the cars trapped in the snowbank!
John: What fun!
Linkara: Not a thing children would say.
Linkara (v/o): John asks where they are.
Doctor Who: Er...well...I'm not quite sure. I think this must be a new planet thrown out by one of the constellations.
Linkara: Well, maybe if the planet had paid its half of the rent...
Linkara (v/o): There is so much wrong with that sentence. First of all, it's not a "new planet" if it existed somewhere else previously. Secondly, constellations are groups of stars that form shapes or patterns, so why would a planet be thrown out of a constellation and not a solar system? Thirdly, how exactly did this hypothetical constellation "throw out a planet"? Was Orion playing baseball with Scorpio and Scorpio failed to catch the planet? Anyway, two reindeer and a sleigh emerge from a nearby forest.
Gillian: Look! It must be Christmas-Land!
Linkara: (as Gillian) I hope it's better than Guy Fawkes Land. That was just depressing. (as John) And yet it was still better than Arbor Day Land.
Linkara (v/o): And so the Doctor and the kids get on the sled and start going wherever the hell it takes them.
Doctor Who: A rather chilly way to travel!
(Cut to a clip of the sleigh ride in the movie Jack Frost, with the cast of Mystery Science Theater 3000 watching)
Crow: (as girl in sleigh) Hey, could we put the top up, though?
(Back to the comic)
Gillian: Look! Look! Fairy lights on the trees!
Linkara: (as Gillian) Wow! Everything looks so tacky here!
Linkara (v/o): The group finds a nearby house and go up to it. They're greeted at the door by, yep, Santa Claus.
Doctor Who: May I introduce myself?
Linkara: No, you may not.
Doctor Who: I am Dr. Who–and these are my grandchildren, John and Gillian.
Linkara (v/o): Yeah, wanted to avoid that little topic. Indeed, in this comic, the Doctor is traveling with his two grandchildren. And at this moment, new Who fans unfamiliar with the classic series are shocked by the idea of the Doctor traveling with a member of his family. Classic Who fans are tilting their heads, wondering where the hell Susan is. Non-fans of Doctor Who, or people with a life, are wondering when the hell the damn Smurf shows up already.
Gillian: It's really Santa Claus!
Linkara (v/o): I see the Doctor's genius intellect has not been passed down. Then again, two weeks ago, a bunch of kids thought a jackass coming out of an alley told them their parents didn't love them was the real Santa Claus, so... at least she's got a little more to work with here.
Doctor Who: Well, I never! I always thought you lived somewhere else...
Linkara: (as the Doctor) No wonder those threatening letters I sent you never arrived.
Linkara (v/o): Maybe this is just Santa Claus' summer home. Or perhaps Santa is involved in some kind of real estate scheme and will have to eliminate the Doctor to keep the secret. Or perhaps the real reason is just kind of stupid.
Santa: Well, I found it very noisy at the North Pole...all those aircraft and things, so I came here.
Linkara: He moved to another planet in order to avoid the sound of airplanes flying overhead. Dude must have ears like a bat.
Linkara (v/o): Or perhaps he was just sick of Scrooge-like businessmen attacking him with flying submarines and requiring Superman to save his ass.
Santa: But things are difficult here too! The Demon Magician interferes all the time...
Linkara: (holding up comic cover) Confirmation that the thing on the cover is in fact a demon.
Linkara (v/o): I also love how the Doctor doesn't even question the presence of a "Demon Magician" that's screwing around with Santa, or that Santa Claus exists, or that Santa is on another planet.
(Cut to a shot of the cover for "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians")
Linkara (v/o): Or that Santa one time fought Martians that weren't Ice Warriors.
(Back to the Doctor Who comic)
Linkara (v/o): Anyway, Santa says that the Doctor might be able to help him.
Santa: It's very worrying indeed! I'm way behind with my toy production...and just look at all those letters! Those are for a thing called the 'TARDIS'.
Linkara: Every panel of this comic just raises all-new questions about the entire premise.
Linkara (v/o): Okay, so Santa exists, he moves to another planet to avoid the noise caused by planes flying over polar routes, but kids are aware of him living on another planet, and are still able to send letters to said planet for him, and the kids are all asking for a TARDIS for Christmas. The children are aware of the TARDIS' existence, and there are so many children who are aware of the TARDIS that it requires its own section of the toy workshop, set aside to store all the letters. And yet, Santa himself is not aware of the TARDIS.
Linkara: You think this happens a lot with Santa, that he can't keep up with the latest toy lines and pop culture ephemera? That would explain why I never got that Cyberman I asked for as a kid and had to (holds up a crude-looking Cyberman head) build them myself.
Linkara (v/o): The Doctor, however, has his own solution.
Doctor Who: Well, well, all the children want a model TARDIS, do they? He-he! Well we mustn't disappoint them...
Linkara: (as Doctor Who) I'm going to franchise myself like hell! There's a swimming pool in the TARDIS that's going to end up filled with money!
Linkara (v/o): I would totally pay see William Hartnell swimming around in a pool of money like he was friggin' Scrooge McDuck. Anyway, the Doctor has been carrying around a bag this entire time that conveniently has a little magic box inside of it.
Doctor Who: Like photography, this is all done by a light and a lens. Except in this case we have...hey presto...models!
Linkara: (as Doctor Who) Photographs of a toy are just as good as the real thing. (waving) Merry Christmas!
Linkara (v/o): Actually, the box is some kind of duplicator. To demonstrate, it makes actual copies of a model car and a teddy bear.
Linkara: Star Trek may have predicted the cell phone and the tablet computer, but Doctor Who predicted the 3D printer. (smiles) Or at least the magic camera that instantly recreated an object that you took a photo of. We totally have those now, right?
Santa: This is a wonderful invention, Dr. Who! Now I shall be able to make all the toys in time!
Linkara (v/o): I'd ask where the elves are, but obviously the elves are on strike or something right now.
(Cut to footage of Alpha's Magical Christmas)
Linkara (v/o): That's why Santa called in the Power Rangers that one time to help him make toys.
Doctor Who: I'm delighted to help. You take this magic box–
Linkara (v/o): Holy crap, I was just kidding about calling it a magic box. He actually calls it that. The First Doctor doesn't bullcrap around with pseudoscience about DNA traveling through lightning or something; it's a friggin' magic box, plain and simple. And he has two magic boxes, in fact, saying that he'll go and get the other to make models of the TARDIS. Um, the magic box made duplicates of the models and teddy bears. Wouldn't this just make a bunch of TARDISes instead of models? Or is he actually planning on giving those kids real TARDISes? Hell, he doesn't even need to go back to the TARDIS for this; they just need a toy police box. Boom! Instant TARDIS model!
Narrator: So Dr. Who leaves and the children help Santa Claus...
Linkara: (as narrator) ...and are soon fired by Santa after demanding more reasonable pay rates.
Linkara (v/o): It's apparently taking the Doctor a while to get back, so the kids decide to take another sled out to the TARDIS, this time with extra sleds to haul back all the model TARDISes. I appreciate the forethought there, but not the forethought of why the Doctor bring such sleds himself for that task. The two come across the Doctor's sled in the middle of nowhere, sans the Doctor.
John: Gillian, look at these great foot-prints in the snow!
Linkara: (as John) I mean, they're perfectly formed and even with one another. They're great!
Linkara (v/o): Hmm, footprints in the snow. Clearly, it's some kind of Yeti!
Linkara: (holding up his fist) One day, I'm gonna get that filthy animal!
Linkara: (laughs) Review over early, (he starts to remove his scarf) and now I can... (he suddenly stops himself as he becomes upset) That didn't work. (throws up his arms) WHY DOES THAT NEVER WORK?! (sighs as he facepalms himself) We'll be right back. Go buy some DVDs. (gets up and leaves)
(We go to a commercial break, then return to Linkara again seated in his spot by the Christmas tree)
Linkara: And we're back. (holds up index finger) And I just realized that if it is a Yeti, I can actually make a Doctor Who joke about that.
Linkara (v/o): Clearly, the great intelligent took a wrong turn when he entered the Doctor's timeline and ended up in this continuity instead. Gillian realizes that something must have happened to the Doctor. And here we see the problem with this originally being in comic strip form and then put into a book: every two pages or so, there's another recap of what just happened.
Narrator: Then they see sinister footprints in the snow...
Linkara: Considering that we are soon going to find out that they come from a polar bear, I'd like to know what exactly is so sinister about them. (beat) Unless the narrator just hates Coca-Cola.
Linkara (v/o): The two follow the footprints, and, as I just spoiled, they find a polar bear. How a polar bear managed to stop the Doctor's sled and get him this far is anyone's guess, but he quickly instructs John to risk his own life by grabbing the magic box, aiming it at the polar bear, and pressing the reduce button. Subsequently, the polar bear shrinks down to the size of a squirrel.
Linkara: Wait a second, that's not a magic box! That's his dimensional stabilizer! The Doctor used it in (makes a "finger quote") "The Invisible Enemy" to shrink clones of himself and Leela to go inside of his own body to fight a sapient virus that was planning to take over the universe, and dear God, Doctor Who is goofy!
Linkara (v/o): Aaand why couldn't the Doctor just do that himself? I mean, he had to have brought the thing with him when the bear took him to this clearing. Just look at him! He's just sitting on a tree stump!
Linkara: (as Doctor Who) Yes, child, you go endanger yourself on your own. I am far too tired from all that sitting I did in the sled.
Doctor Who: He-he! That bear won't hurt anyone now!
Linkara: (as Doctor Who) I'm the Doctor, punisher of animal life that's just trying to survive.
Linkara (v/o): Also, there are polar bears on this planet? And just before you start thinking this is just some other part of Earth with snow, they've been pretty clear so far that this is supposed to be another planet. I guess Santa kidnapped some animal life from the North Pole to make himself feel more at home.
Doctor Who: My inventions come in useful at times–fortunately for me!
Linkara: (as Doctor Who) My inventions are massive deus ex machinas that ensure that I will never have to actually be cunning or clever.
Linkara (v/o): They start heading back to the TARDIS, but Gillian spots our antagonist: the Demon Magician!
Demon Magician: You are right! Magician of the forest at your dis-service! Ha-ha! All your work will be in vain–I shall see to that!
Linkara: (as Demon Magician) I hate Christmas for no adequately-explained reason and must destroy it!
Linkara (v/o): Yeah, there is absolutely no explanation for what the hell this thing is, why he wants to stop toys from going out, or what the hell his "magic" is. And yeah, just like the magic box, this is truly the epitome of "It's magic, I don't have to explain it". The demon tells them to look up, and we see a bunch of toy airplanes and rockets either floating or flying in the sky.
Gillian: They are all Santa's toys!
Linkara: Well, they're twelve of Santa's toys. If those were all the toys he had for the entire world, I think he would be in a much worse place than we thought he was.
Linkara (v/o): The demon... vanishes, I guess... All Gillian says is that he's gone... and I'm not even sure what that was supposed to prove. Did he just now steal those toys, or are they ones he stole previously? Why did he only steal planes and rockets? We clearly saw different toys in the shop. The Doctor says they need to get back to the TARDIS before the demon does anything else, but the demon materializes a large wall in front of them that stretches across the distance.
Demon Magician: Ha-ha! Ha-ha! Foiled again! You won't get over this wall, just you see! Ha-ha-ha!
Linkara: (puzzled) Is... Is this supposed to be some kind of metaphor for my show? (looking over himself) Some cackling weirdo with overly-dramatic clothes sitting on top of a wall with vaguely-defined magical powers?
Linkara (v/o): The Doctor proclaims he has an idea. Annnd then, narration panel time.
Narrator: In helping Santa Claus with his production of toys the three time and space travellers have come up against the demon magician.
Linkara: Yes, the demon magician, as opposed to all those imitator demon magicians.
Linkara (v/o): The Doctor points to a nearby squirrel and uses the magic box to grow the squirrel giant-sized so they can ride it. The squirrel is perfectly okay with this. Hell, the thing is really unafraid of humans as it is, considering how close it got to them before they made it grow to the size of a horse. The two kids easily get on, but the Doctor is having issues.
Doctor Who: Er...hm! It is not quite as simple as that! Ah, yes! I think I'll try it. I only hope I don't 'tail' off! He-he!
(Linkara glares at the camera, then cut to a clip of Scrubs)
Dr. Cox: Slap yourself very hard in the face, then leave.
(Back to the comic)
Linkara (v/o): So... yeah, Doctor Who and his two grandchildren are riding on a giant squirrel over a wall created by a demon magician, who wants to stop Santa Claus from using a magic box to duplicate toys on an alien planet.
Linkara: This may be the most insane Christmas special, and I've seen a Christmas special about three Wookies watching porn, little tiny people dancing, and cartoons about their relatives.
Linkara (v/o): Once over the wall, the Doctor uses the magic box to shrink the squirrel back to normal size.
Linkara: Well, then, why couldn't you just shrunk part of the wall?
Gillian: Well done, squirrel! Here are some nuts as a reward.
Linkara: (as Gillian) Nuts that I just happened to have on me for some reason. (shrugs)
Linkara (v/o): And so, our heroes proceed away from the wall and the Demon Magician, who impotently shakes his fist at them.
Demon Magician: You think you're clever. Just you wait!
(Cut to a clip of an episode of The Simpsons, showing a father and son shaking their fists in anger)
Father: Shake harder, boy!
Linkara (v/o): Arriving back at the TARDIS, they find some presents attached to it, along with a note from Santa. He says he has to head off to make his deliveries... Wasn't it supposed to be Christmas Eve this whole time? ...and thanks them for the TARDIS models. Uh, wait, when the hell did he get them? The Doctor was on his way back with them when he was taken by the polar bear. Did Santa just find the models in the middle of nowhere without the three and just shrugged off their disappearance? No wonder the elves quit. John says they should head out now, but the Doctor says they're not done yet.
Doctor Who: The Demon Magician is still at large.
Linkara: (as Doctor Who) I could've dealt with him back at the wall, but... (clutches his head) Ooh, I'm feeling really tired from that squirrel ride. You kids go do it.
Linkara (v/o): They travel into a nearby forest and come across Frosty the Snowman here.
Gillian: Look, John! What a lovely snowman!
John: Ooh! What fun!
Linkara: Oh, what fun it is to stare at someone else's snowman!
Linkara (v/o): Come to think of it, John said "What fun!" at the beginning of the comic, too. Is that just his catch phrase? However, when they get too close, the snowman wraps its arms around them. Aw, Frosty just wants a hug!
Gillian: Grandfather, help!
Linkara: Frosty, bad touch!
Linkara (v/o): You know, the thing is made of snow. If you are so weak that you can't free yourself from snow like that... I mean, just drop down to the ground. ...you probably shouldn't be going on adventures with the Doctor. The Demon Magician is responsible for this one... and he's inexplicably turned green in this panel.
John: Quickly, Grandfather, quickly! We're freezing and we can't move!
Linkara: (incredulously) You're freezing?! How poorly made are those coats?!
Comic narrator: In helping Santa Claus, the three space travellers have come up against the demon magician.
Linkara: (dripping sarcasm) YOU DON'T SAY!
Doctor Who: Oh dear, oh dear! I shall have to try something else!
Linkara: Or... use the same thing you've used for every problem so far.
Linkara (v/o): Indeed, the magic box has some kind of heat ray setting that lets him melt the snowman, freeing the children from its mild rampage.
John: I'm jolly glad that's over! I thought we were going to be frozen alive!
Linkara: (as John) Frozen alive, after about three days or so of that.
Doctor Who: Fortunately, my dear child, a lot of my inventions have other uses!
Linkara: (as Doctor Who) For example, it can also be used as a bong, much like the one the writers used when they came up with this story.
Linkara (v/o): And once again, the Demon Magician shakes his fist at them. And despite the fact that the entire reason they were "in danger", quote-unquote, from that snowman was because the Doctor said they had to deal with the Demon Magician, they just leave the Demon Magician behind once more and walk away.
Doctor Who: I can see that we are going to have to set a trap for this...er...magician fellow!
Linkara: (frustrated) HE WAS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!!
Linkara (v/o): Gillian notices a large snowball rolling down a hill towards them, cartoon-style.
Doctor Who: My guess is that the Demon Magician is hiding in it!
Linkara: (as Doctor Who) I'm assuming that he's inside of it instead of just manipulating it from afar like he has the other times, because... Ooh, feeling tired. I'd better sit down.
Linkara (v/o): He tells John to run inside the toy shop and get a model rocket, which is odd, considering I would've thought Santa brought them all with him. Even stranger is that they have enough time to grab one, considering how close the thing looks to be. But yeah, he's able to get it, and apparently, this rocket has a tiny trapdoor in it. As such, the Doctor uses his magic box to shrink the snowball, and the Demon Magician inside of it, and lets it go into the rocket's trapdoor.
Doctor Who: I used to be quite good at bowls, you know, at one time! He-he!
Linkara: Yeah, that sure is funny, Doctor. (laughs) Except, of course, that this is the exact opposite of bowling. You are having an object coming towards you instead of throwing it, and you want it to go inside of a hole.
Demon Magician: Let me out! I'm trapped! Let me out!
Doctor Who: Not at all! You've been very busy around here so I think you deserve a little ride!
Linkara: (as Doctor Who) To Hell!
Linkara (v/o): And yep, the Doctor lights up the model rocket, and it goes flying up into the air, no doubt sending the Demon Magician to his death when he crashes. Our heroes, everybody! And so, our story ends with the lights in the sky forming out to say "Happy Journey to TARDIS". Considering Santa left ages ago, I can only assume the rocket exploded and formed into fireworks that created those words, with the Demon Magician's remains falling from the sky, too.
Linkara: (holding up comic) This comic is weird and it sucks!
Linkara (v/o): I've got to be honest, I'm not disturbed by the presence of the Doctor's two grandchildren or him being named Doctor Who. It was 1965; they haven't really hammered out all the details by that point. Hell, I'm not even upset that they met Santa Claus. It's cute and could've just been a fun story for the kids if they had to fight off some Grinch or the like. But the fact that the Doctor LITERALLY has a magical object that solves every problem he encounters is ridiculous. Even the sonic screwdriver in the revived series had limitations to it and wasn't used every time. Santa completely disappears from the story after the first two pages; we know nothing about the Demon Magician or why the hell he was inside of the snowball at the end; the Doctor keeps talking about how they need to stop the Demon Magician, only to CONTINUALLY WALK AWAY FROM HIM; and two children are now guilty of murder by the end! Merry friggin' Christmas!
Linkara: But, despite that little bit of holiday depression and weirdness, I just want to wish all of you at home a Merry Christmas and a Happy Holidays. May all of you find joy and peace and merriment during this holiday season and–
Dr. Linksano: Linkara! I've done it! My Christmas present for you is ready!
Linkara: Can't it wait? I'm almost done with the show here.
Dr. Linksano: No, no, no, no! Come along, you have to see it! (giggles crazily)
(Linkara shrugs, gets up and follows Dr. Linksano across the room; next scene: Linkara is pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration, while Dr. Linksano eagerly points out to him his Christmas present)
Linkara: Okay... You want to walk me through the thought process here?
Dr. Linksano: Well, I wanted to give you something nice for Christmas, and a few weeks ago, you mentioned how those foam walking lizards were a big part of your childhood, so...
Linkara: So, you decided... to bring one to life?
(The foam lizard seen by them moves its head)
Dr. Linksano: In retrospect, it does seem like kind of a leap from point A to point B.
Linkara: This is not point A to point B, this is point A to point New Jersey! They're not even in the same class as one another!
Dr. Linksano: So... you don't like it?
Linkara: Well, I'm not saying that; I just wish you wouldn't play God around Christmastime.
Dr. Linksano: So, when is a good time to play God, then?
Linkara: "Never" would be nice. How did you even do this?
Dr. Linksano: With...
Dr. Linksano, Linkara: (in unison) ...science!
Linkara: Right, right, right. Uh... I don't suppose you'd care to be more specific?
Dr. Linksano: Well, altered some reality fields, mixed in a few chemicals and drugs and some other fiddly bits that I really shouldn't tell you about, also a magic box.
Linkara: The new year is going to be hell, I just know it.
Dr. Linksano: Well, at least you'll have a little friend now to help you. Isn't he adorable?
Foam lizard: (female voice) I'm a woman.
Linkara: You have created life from foam and wire. (nods) I'm going to start walking now, and I don't know when I will stop. (turns and walks away slowly)
Dr. Linksano: (waving) Merry Christmas! (looks toward foam lizard) So, um... how is life treating you so far?
Foam lizard: Do I have a big metal wire sticking out of the back of my neck?
Dr. Linksano: Yep! Totally integral for your spine to work!
Foam lizard: I'm gonna need a cup of coffee.
Dr. Linksano: I am the granter of Christmas miracles! Science bless us, everyone! (cackles)