And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Django Unchained."
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
(Dramatic close-up of Chester mixed with overlay of him walking and "SPOILERS" in big, red letters going across screen)
There's this guy named Django.
Only the "D" is silent.
Hey, that's pretty cool.
Everybody should get their "d's" silent!
Like Aniel Ay Lewis!
And, of course, Oug Walker.
And he was a slave back in the age when we had slaves.
I was a slave once!
Never join Apple.
And he's saved by the Nazi from "Inglourious Basterds."
Only this time he's a good Nazi.
And he tells Django that he's looking for these two outlaw brothers.
And Django is like, "If I get you my brothers, you gotta get me my true love back."
"If I get you your true love back, you have to get me an Oscar."
"Okay, I'll say very little in this movie, putting most of the attention on you."
So they hunt down all these outlaws until they discover where Django's wife is.
And she's being held by Southern Leonardo DiCaprio.
You know, the kid that always wants to play adult roles, but every time he does it looks like he's trick-or-treating.
And his assistant, Samuel L. DiJackson.
"I'm gonna offend people by saying the 'n' word a million times in a Quentin Tarantino movie!"
"But doesn't everybody already know that's coming?"
"Not conservative pussies who just look for shit to complain about!"
"Conservative pussies who just look for shit to complain about?"
"Yeah, it's like a mix between grumpy, old men and the Internet!"
But if Django is gonna get to see his wife again, he has to pretend that he's a slave owner.
I owned a slave once!
I have no way to get out of that joke safely, so I'm just gonna pretend I never said it.
So they go up to Southern Leonardo DiCaprio, who's a plantation owner.
And they're like, "We want to buy a whole bunch of slaves, including that pretty one over there."
"Hell, why don't you only just ask for that pretty one over there?"
"So it wouldn't arouse suspicion that we're not who we are-- Oops." (covers mouth)
"Aha! I'm gonna crush this skull!" (does so)
"No! That's a skull!"
"And I'm gonna give you that pretty little slave over there!"
"No! That's...pretty much what we wanted."
"On top of that, I'm totally aware that you lied and yet I'm never gonna call the authorities on it at all!"
"You seem unbelievably reasonable."
"Here, take your wife back." (Sends wife over)
"Aw geez, well, this has been just a wonderful experience!"
But then the Nazi guy is like, "I think you're an evil man!"
(taps shoulder) "Ah, ah, no no, we're good here--"
"I think it's terrible how you're treating all these slaves!"
"It is, but let's quit while we're ahead--"
"I have never seen a person worse than you!"
"Ah, h-he doesn't speak for both of us--"
"I'll tell you what, seeing how I'm suddenly now DiCaprio, you just shake my hand and everything will be good!"
"Yes yes! He'll do that! Yes, you go do that!"
"I will shake your hand."
"See? We cool."
"With a gun!" (points)
"No." (DiCaprio is shot)
"Oh, Pop-Tarts." (Nazi is shot)
"Well, you shot the Nazi. I guess we'll just be going now-- (is shot at) Ahh!"
So the really calm, collected Nazi guy kinda screws everything over.
And they're about to cut off Django's dijingly bits.
But then Samuel L. DiJackson is like, "I'm gonna sell you to the worst motherfucker I can imagine!"
"Quentin Tarantino!" (Django screams)
So Quentin Tarantino's gonna take him to these mines where he's gonna have to work all his life. (pauses) And that's apparently worse than getting your balls chopped off.
But Django is like, "Quentin Tarantino, take this dynamite as a symbol that your performance is dynamite."
"Oh, why, thank you. That's so incredibly cool-- (is blown up) Ouch."
So Django rides his way back to the house, picks up his pretty wife, kills every last cast member in the movie, and rides off into the sunset.
Oh wait, it's night. Moonset.
So, thank you so much for watching this extra DVD review.
And just remember: If you post it on the Internet, you're just as bad as the people who owned slaves!
Or people who make really bad taste slave jokes.
But I'm like Quentin Tarantino! I can get away with it because I'm so lovable and nobody will ever smote me down--" (is blown up)