Die Hard (NC)

Die Hard
Release Date	December 25, 2019
Running Time	25:23
Previous Review	The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause
Next Review	Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker
Link	https://channelawesome.com/die-hard-nostalgia-critic/

(The Channel Awesome logo and the intro play)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. There's two types of people in the world: those who think Die Hard is a Christmas movie, and the rest we pray for.

(To the tune of "The Twelve Days of Christmas", the title for this movie is shown, followed by footage of it)

NC (vo): Sure, it doesn't have the typical Christmas lessons or atmosphere or story or colors, but...

NC: (shrugs) Fuck you, it's Die Hard!

NC (vo): Released in 1988, this action masterpiece was actually seen at the time as kind of an oddball risk.

(Two back-to-back images of book titles that inspired are superimposed: "Nothing Last Forever" and "The Detective", both written by Roderick Thorp)

NC (vo): Based on a book that was a sequel to another book that was turned into...

(Cut to another superimposed image, this one a poster of the Frank Sinatra movie The Detective)

NC (vo): ...a Frank Sinatra movie... In fact, they were contractually obligated to ask Sinatra if he wanted to star in it...

(Another image is briefly superimposed, showing a man with Frank Sinatra's head edited on saying, "In the Wee Small Hours of The Morning, Mother Fucker")

NC (vo): Wouldn't that have been interesting? ...they turned it into a standalone film and cast then-comedic TV star (A poster for the TV show Moonlighting, starring Bruce Willis, is superimposed) Bruce Willis as the lead. Nowadays, we know him as a kick-ass icon, but back then, this was a bit of a weird choice. But somebody saw something in him and they cast him in the role. And thankfully, the risks paid off. The film was a monster hit, pleasing audiences as well as critics and giving us one of the greatest action movies of all time. So, in light of the holidays, we're gonna have fun looking over this bullet-filled bloodfest and celebrate it as one of the most non-traditional Christmas movies ever made. At least until it's given its own (Poster for Die Hard is shown, with a message beneath reading "24 Hours Christmas Day!") 24-hour marathon.

NC: (pointing to camera) You know there's no way this can be overplayed! Let's take a look at Die Hard.

(The movie begins with NYPD detective John McClane (Bruce Willis) on an flight to Los Angeles)

NC (vo): It opens with Bruce Willis playing the most '80s action hero name ever given...

John McClane: I'm John McClane.

NC (vo): ...as he's nervous about being flown to L.A.

Fellow airplane passenger (Robert Lesser): (to McClane as he sits beside him) You want to know the secret to surviving air travel? After you get where you're going, take off your shoes and your socks, then walk around on the rug barefoot...

NC: (as McClane) What do I care?

(A clip of the movie Ernest Saves Christmas is shown where Lesser's character, Marty, is arresting Santa.)

NC (vo; as McClane): You put Mr. Santos in jail.

NC: (shaking index finger) That makes this double a Christmas movie!

Passenger: Trust me: I've been doing it for nine years. Better than a shower and a hot cup of coffee.

NC (as the passenger): Dropping acid also helps.

NC (vo): He gets picked up by a driver named Argyle.

Argyle (De'Voreaux White): Argyle, I'm your limo driver.

NC (vo): Ah, glad to see (shows a scene of Ray, played by Ray Charles, shooting at a young guitar thief, played by De'Voreaux White in Blues Brothers) Ray Charles turned that boy's life around.

Ray: Now, go on, get!

(The young guitar thief runs away, and we return to the movie)

Argyle: We got everything in this mug man! Look say this!

(Argyle turns the radio on. Then the scene switches to show the sky is a brownish orange color)

NC (vo; as hypothetical weather man): Today's forecast: Brown orange. It is L.A., so you should be used to that.

Argyle: Hey, gotta work.

McClane: You got any Christmas music?

(A ding is heard as a wreath with the number 1 in it, followed by the words "Christmas References in this TOTALLY non-Christmas movie", with "TOTALLY" written in red)

NC (vo): He says he's going to patch things up with his wife, Holly, who's at her office Christmas party. Argyle offers to wait for him.

Argyle: You score, you give me a call from the car phone; you strike out, I'll get you a hotel.

McClane: You're all right, Argyle.

NC (as McClane): I'm still giving you one star. You look like a guy who'll listen to music while a hostage situation is going on.

(McClane walks through the lobby of the building, whistling "Jingle Bells" while a ding is heard and the "Christmas References" counter appears with the number 2. John looks around and sees people all around him as violin music plays)

NC: (as McClane) Yes, this looks like the perfect building for terrorists and/or gremlins.

Joe Takagi (James Shigeta): Then, you must be John McClain. I'm Joe Takagi.

NC (vo; as Takagi): Well, it's 1988, and I'm Japanese. Top of the world, ma!

(Takagi takes McClane to the office of Harry Ellis (Hart Bochner) which has views of the city)

Takagi: Ellis?

Ellis: (getting up from his desk) I was just making a call...

NC: (as Ellis) Oh, sorry, I was just doing some '80s in here.

NC (vo): This is Harry Ellis, the kind of guy you love to hate to love.

McClane: I didn't realize they celebrated Christmas in Japan.

(The "Christmas References" counter pops up, with the number 3 next to it)

Takagi: We're flexible. Pearl Harbor didn't work out, so we got you with tape decks.

(Ellis laughs uproariously at the remark)

NC: (as Takagi) Apologies.

(An image of a person in a Batman cartoon movie appears in the corner; he is grinning psychotically as he is suffering from Smilex)

NC: (as Takagi) He's still recovering from Smilex.

[...]

McClane: You are a married woman, Holly. You're married to me.

Holly: We're not gonna have this conversation again. We did this in July.

(After the argument)

McClane: That was great, John.

[...]

McClane: That was great, John. Good job. Very mature.

[...]

Gruber: Where is Mr Takagi?

Gruber (vo): ...Interned at Manzanar, 1942

Gruber: MBA, Harvard, 1970.

[...]

Gruber: President, Nakatomi Trading. Vice Chairman, Nakatomi Investment Group...

Takagi: Enough.

[...]

Gruber: Mr. Takagi.

[...]

Gruber: The code, please.

[...]

(Gruber shot Takagi in the head)

Gruber: We do it the hard way.

[...]

Gruber: You can break the code?

Theo: You didn't bring me for my charming personality.

[...]

McClane: Argyle, tell me you heard the shots. You're calling the police right now.

(Argyle is seen talking to his girlfriend on the phone in the limo)

Argyle: Of course I'm still coming by later. Sweetheart, have I ever lied to you?

[...]

Tony: You might as well come out and join the others. I promise I won't hurt you.

(Tony began to shot, hoping to shoot McClane, but stop when he notice that McClane isn't here)

[...]

Gruber: Now I have a machine gun. Ho... ho... ho.

[...]

Female police officer: This channel is reserved for emergency calls only.

McClane (vo, on radio): No fucking shit, lady! Do I sound like I'm ordering a pizza?

[...]

(Powell humming the song Let It Snow)

Clerk: Thought you guys just ate doughnuts.

Powell: They're for my wife.

Clerk: Yeah.

'Powell: She's pregnant.

Clerk: Yeah.

[...]

(Powell continues humming Let It Snow)

McClane: Come out to the coast! We'll get together, have a few laughs.

[...]

Powell: Do you mind if I look around, do you?

Eddie: Nah. Help yourself.

[...]

Powell: Ah, the hell with this!

[...]

Marco: Next time you have a chance to kill someone, don't hesitate.

(McClane kills Marco under the table with a gun)

[...]

Powell: Merry Christmas.

[...]

(Powell sings Let It Snow)

[...]

Powell: Goddamn it!

[...]

Gruber: Who are you, then?

McClane: Pain in the ass.

[...]

Gruber: Do you really think you have a chance against us, Mr Cowboy?

McClane: Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker.

[...]

Harvey Johnson: Give us a break, Thornburg.

Thornburg: Eat it, Harvey!

Cameraman: Harvey, we're on the air.

[...]

Robinson: Jesus Christ, Powell! He could be a fucking bartender for all we know!

[...]

Powell: Ah, the hell with this!

[...]

Thornburg: And the only communication now possible has been through the use of CB communicators.

[...]

Theo: 'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring, except the four assholes coming in the rear in standard.

[...]

Ellis: Sprechen sie talk, huh?

(He is then seen talking to Gruber)

Ellis: Personally, I couldn't care less about your politics. Maybe you're pissed off at the camel jockeys. Maybe it's the Hebes, Northern Ireland. It's none of my business.

[...]

Ellis: I told them we were old friends and you were my guest at the party.

McClane: Ellis, you shouldn't be doing this.

Ellis: Tell me about it.

[...]

Gruber (vo, on radio): In Sri Lanka, the nine members of the Asian Dawn.

Gruber: I read about them in Time magazine.

[...]

Gruber (with an american accent): Please, God. No. You're one of them, aren't you? You're one of them.

[...]

Gruber (with an american accent): You don't work for Nakatomi.

McClane: Got invited to the Christmas party by mistake.

Gruber (with an american accent): I spent a weekend at a combat ranch. You know, that game with the guns that shoot red paint.

[...]

McClane: I'm John McClane. You're, uh...

[...]

Gruber (with an american accent): Bill Clay.

[...]

McClane: No bullets. What do you think... I'm f*cking stupid, Hans?

(The evelator rings)

Gruber: You were saying?

[...]

Gruber: Karl. Schie dem Fenster.

(Karl seems confuse)

Gruber: Shoot the glass!

[...]

Powell: I shot a kid.

[...]

Powell (vo, on radio): Oh, it was dark. I couldn't see him.

Powell: You know, when you're a rookie, they can teach you everything about being a cop except how to live with a mistake.

[...]

Theo: Merry Christmas.

[...]

Agent "Little" Johnson: We've shut them down. We let them sweat for a while, then we give them helicopters.

Agent "Big" Johnson: Right up the ass.

[...]

Agent "Big" Johnson (vo, on radio): The State Department has arranged for the return of your comrades.

Gruber (vo, on radio): We'll be ready.

Agent "Big" Johnson: By the time he figures out what hit him, he'll be in a body bag.

[...]

McClane: I'm starting to get a bad feeling up here.

[...]

McClane: Will you tell her that, uh... John said... that he was sorry. OK? You got that, man?

[...]

Thornburg: You let me in right now, or I call the INS, comprende?

[...]

Holly: All right!

[...]

Gruber: Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker.

(McClane and Gruber starts to laugh)

[...]

McClane: No. This one's with me.

[...]

Thornburg: Now that it's all over, after this incredible ordeal, what are your feelings?

(Holly punches Thornburg on the nose and some people laughs at it)

[...]

McClane: Merry Christmas, Argyle.

(The "Christmas References" counter pops up, with the number 12 next to it)

Argyle: Merry Christmas.

(McClane and Holly enters the limo)

Argyle: If this is their idea of Christmas, I gotta be here for New Year's.

(The "Christmas References" counter pops up, with the number 13 next to it)

(The song Let It Snow began as the limo leaves Nakatomi Tower)

(The "Christmas References" counter pops up, with the number 10000000000000000000 next to it)

[...]

Channel Awesome Tagline: Gruber: Ho... ho... ho.