(We see Chester sitting in a comfy chair in some room as the tune "We Wish You A Merry Christmas plays.)
Chester:
(speaking calmly) Greetings, my friends, and welcome to a "Bummy Christmas Review." (Cut to title card with "Bummy Christmas Reviews", then back to Chester)
Let us take a look at "Die Hard." (Cut to title card of it, back to Chester)
Ahh, "Die Hard," a timeless Christmas classic.
For many of us, "Die Hard" is as essential to us as Santa Claus.
They both have an emphasis on blood red and Germans.
There's this man named John McClane who is in a building that is taken over by German not-terrorists.
And Snape from Harry Potter looks at the people and says, (with German accent) "We are just here for money."
"So after all this time, you're just a common thief?"
"Yes."
"...How's that working out for you?"
"Good. We're certainly very rich."
"So, there's no remorse about this? You're not even gonna say you're an exceptional thief?"
"Why? I'm richer than you now."
"Eh, good point."
"Ja."
So Bruce Willis is sneaking around the building trying to outwit the German not-terrorists.
And Snape is like, "So, you think you are a cowboy?"
"Yippee-kay-tagline for the movie."
"Wow, that catchphrase got old in a minute."
Of course we partake in explosions, jumping, screaming, gunshots...
Probably like a regular Christmas at Ann Coulter's house.
But Bruce Willis enlists the help of the father from "Family Matters."
Who admits to Bruce Willis that he is very afraid to hold a gun because he once shot a kid. (pauses) That Urkel dweeb went too far.
I would shoot him too! I mean, the property damage that kid cost!
But at the very end, after all the fighting, explosions and shouting of one-liners for T-shirts...
Bruce Willis makes it out alive, defeats the not-terrorist Nazis, and the "Family Matters" dad even shoots somebody.
That's right. The happy ending for this Christmas classic is somebody shooting another person.
I should probably dislike this film because in many ways it's going against what everything Christmas stands for...
Indulging in an entourage of explosion and violence...
But simply talking about this movie has upped my testosterone by 20%, and my balls have gotten 30% bigger.
As a man, I simply cannot denounce it.
They also made "Die Hard 2," which was a pretty good sequel.
And three other movies that pretty much have nothing to do with with the Die Hard story, but Bruce Willis is in it and he blows shit up, so...
My testicles will not allow me to denounce it. God, it's hard living with these sometimes.
But on the other hand, fuck you, it's "Die Hard!"
This is Chester A. Bum saying... Don't go away, Christmas! I wanna stay in this room!