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October 29, 2013
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(After the Nostalgiaween Opening 2013, we come upon the Nostalgia Critic pressing the down button for an elevator. Inside the elevator are Rita Repulsa {played by Rachel Tietz and voiced by Doug}, Santa Christ {Rob Walker}, and Satan {Malcolm Ray}. Satan and Rita are waiting around, and Santa Christ is texting; soft piano music plays in the background)

Nostalgia Critic: ...This seems like a very colorful group of characters to randomly be on an elevator with.

(Santa Christ audibly clicks something on his phone, and suddenly the lights and music go out)

Satan: Oh, grapenuts...

(The lights and music come back on, followed by a voice on the intercom, voiced by Malcolm)

Voice: This is Goit Forman, your elevator—

Santa Christ: Hi, Goit!

Goit: ...Uh, hi. Listen, your elevator seems to be stuck. (a panel on the elevator console blinking DON'T PANIC is shown) You folks sit tight and we'll have you out in a minute.

Rita: (still badly dubbed by Doug Walker) Well, great! Now what do we do?

NC: Anybody got any stories?

Rita: I do! It's about how I plan to take over the world by creating one monster at a time instead of building an army of them, and how I was embarrassingly defeated by a martial arts version of Glee! And then how I—

NC: Santa Christ! You must have some interesting tales!

(Rita looks nonplussed)

SC: Well, I did write a screenplay.

(NC and Satan look interested)

Satan: You wrote a screenplay?

SC: Yeah, I write every morning at Starbucks. Have to justify that rewards card somehow.

(Everyone looks interested, and NC nods approvingly)

SC: Well, it's about a bunch of people trapped in an elevator!

NC: (sarcastic, rolling his eyes while Satan shakes his head) Oh, I love it already...

SC: But one of them, is a killer!

(NC and Satan look interested again)

NC: (curious) Yeah?

SC: And, well, the power is faulty. So, (piano music cuts out for dramatic music) every time the lights go out, the killer strikes!

Satan: (curious as well) Yeah?

SC: So, basically the race is on to rescue a whole bunch of claustrophobic people trapped inside an elevator, before the lights go out again and the killer picks them off! (punctuating each word with a finger jab at NC) One! By! One!

Rita: YEAH?

SC: And the twist is...IT'S CTHULHU!

(Dramatic music cuts off, piano resumes, and everyone looks disappointed)

NC: Okay, well that's really dumb, because you had this ingenious idea for a setup...

Satan: ...Building suspense and drama...

Rita: ...Downright Hitchcockian!

NC: ...and then you fuck it all up by throwing in something supernatural for no reason!

SC: (saddened) But people love Cthulhu...

Rita: It doesn't matter if people love Cthulhu, it doesn't fit into the story!

(Rita, SC, and NC turn to the front as Goit speaks up again, Satan still looking at SC)

Goit: And besides, it doesn't matter. They already did something like that in M. Night Shyamalan's movie, Devil.

(NC and Santa Christ exchange glances, Satan looks forward, Rita looks curious, The panel in the elevator cuts to the movie's opening, and the music from the film plays instead of the piano music. Then cut to clips of the film, the music playing over the audio from the clips)

Goit VO: While Shyamalan only worked on the story, it has his fingerprints all over it. It's got the hokey acting, the hokey writing, the hokey twist; it's got every hokey thing but the hokey pokey!

Satan: (smugly) But to his credit, he does represent my work pretty well.

NC: (skeptically) Oh, really? The guy who couldn't represent a Nickelodeon cartoon represents the most evil demonic force on Earth?

(SC and Rita agree with NC; Satan is about to reply, but Goit speaks up again, drawing everyone's attention)

Goit: Hey, I got an idea! While we're working on breaking you out, why don't I play the movie to keep you entertained?

(Satan looks thoughtful, the others look panicked)

NC, SC and Rita: (screaming) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Goit: Uh, I'm sorry, you cut out there, could you say that again?


Goit: Still didn't get it. Tell you what, go ahead and watch the movie until we can figure out a way to hear you better!

(Rita sobs silently, SC looks devastated, NC looks exasperated, and Satan looks content)

NC: (sourly) I guess this is Devil!

Satan: It's really not that bad...

(Rita and NC look at Satan skeptically, and SC raises his iPhone, audibly clicking something on it again, drawing a look from Rita. Cut to the logo of the Night Chronicles)

NC (VO): So our film begins with a logo that reads Night Chronicles and then the Number 1...Eh?

SC: Oh, yeah! I remember this. This is the first of the series of films that Shyamalan was supposed to work on.

Satan: Well, why aren't there more?

(SC gives Satan an "are you serious?" look)

SC: ...Because the first one was Devil.

NC, Rita, and Satan: Ooooohh!

NC (VO): And because Shyamalan can never start a movie without important looking's some important looking text!

(Logo fades to reveal italicized text: '"Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the Devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.'" A few seconds later, 'Peter 5:8' appears beneath it)

NC (VO): (dryly) Ah, now this is especially essential. Without it, I don't think we could ever draw the conclusion THAT THE DEVIL IS BAD!

Satan: (indignantly) Really?! All these years, and that's never come across?! (to himself, straightening his suit) I need to make more Republicans...

NC (VO): And just listen to how the music tries to scare you into what I guess is supposed to be a big reveal.

(A dark background slowly reveals itself to be water, and the music booms with suspense as we see Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, upside-down. The opening scenes and credits play as NC talks.)


(The camera passes by an upside-down blue suspension bridge)

NC: Oh, the possibilities this suggest[s]. Like, maybe the projectionist passed out when he loaded the film reels!

(The camera passes under an elevator onto a granite floor, passing on to a more polished floor)

NC (VO): (calmly) We start with an opening narration from a security guard, once again reassuring us that the Devil sucks.

Ramirez {Jacob Vargas}: My mother's story would always begin the same way: with a suicide, paving the way for the Devil's arrival. And it would always end...with the deaths of all those trapped.

(The scene shows a janitor {Ruby Webb} glossing the floor, wearing ear protectors; the reflective surfaces behind him show a box van, and then a man falling and slamming into the roof of it, damaging it)

NC (VO): (mock-somber) And so went the financier of the Last Airbender movie.

(Cut to a scene in a bar with Detective Bowden {Chris Messina} and the character's AA sponsor.)

Sponsor: Do you know the main reason why people go back to drinking?

Bowden: The Eagles?

Sponsor: Resentment.

NC (VO): We then cut to Detective Bowden, having a cup of coffee with his AA sponsor.

Sponsor: You may need to finally start believing in something greater than yourself.

(Cut forward)

Bowden: But when I think about the guy that killed my family...I have a tough time believing in much of anything.

NC (VO): Oh God, are we in another Stephen King story? I mean, the lead is a recovering drunk who will partake in a lame supernatural resolution, it is pretty damn similar!

(Cut to Bowden walking outside, fellow detective Markowitz {Joshua Peace} meeting him as he approaches the truck from the earlier scene)

Markowitz: Hey. Got a good one for ya.

NC (VO): But they discover the truck that the man cannon-balled into earlier and try to figure out what happened.

(Bowden stares at a rosary in the corpse's hand, then cut to them walking back the way the truck came)

Bowden: Truck wasn't here when he made impact. Must have rolled. (Cut to shot of skyscraper) Your guy jumped from that building.

Markowitz: Why, your dead guy turned the corner here?

(Cut forward)

Bowden: (gesturing at cement blocks) These things are made to bounce trucks off.

NC (VO): Well, thank God nobody on a busy street reported a bread truck with a dead guy embedded on it like Wile E. Coyote with a driver who seems to have disappeared off the face of the earth rolling backwards into oncoming traffic bouncing off cemet blocks into a parking lot of somebody's store. Maaaybe they just thought it was the (scene cuts to a truck with what NC says next on its side in red letters) "bread truck with a dead guy embedded on it like Wile E. Coyote with a driver who seems to have disappeared off the face of the earth rolling backwards into oncoming traffic bouncing off cement blocks into a parking lot of somebody's store man."

SC: (jovially) Oh, hey, you got those in your town, too?

(Rita and Satan stare at SC, while NC gives him a "what the hell?" expression; cut to two guards, one a temp named Ben Carson {Bokeem Woodbine}, arguing in the lobby of a building near several elevators)

Ben: We are not taking the stairs again!

Other Guard: Just get on the damn elevator!

NC (VO): (as white guard) And I do mean "damn elevator." (thunder cracks and the screen flashes white as he lets out an evil laugh)

(Cut to four of the main characters in an elevator with the doors closing: Vince McCormick {Geoffry Arend}, Sarah Caraway {Bojana Novakovic}, Ben, and Jane Kowski {Jenny O'Hara}. As the doors close, another character calls from offscreen)

Tony: Can you hold that?

Vince: Oh! Sorry. (he reaches for the door close button, but Tony puts his hand in the doorway, opening it up, and gets on the elevator)

Tony: Thanks for your help.

Vince: Don't mention it.

NC (VO): So let's do a checklist of our clichéd characters. (Each character gets a shot and a checklist next to them. First Vince) Awkward Asshole: check. (Jane) Crabby Old Lady: check. (Ben) Tough Black Guy: check. (Sarah) Generic Good Looking Woman with Little to No Personality: check. (Tony) Generic Good Looking Guy with Little to No Personality: check.

Rita: (moving to the front of the elevator, one of her large horns bumping past SC) All that's missing is the spiritually sensitive Hispanic person.

(cut to Ramirez)

Ramirez: Dios te salve Maria...

  • (Spanish for "god save you Mary)

(The group cheers)

Rita: Now we can get this party started. (moves back, hitting SC with her horn again, this time knocking his hat off)

(The elevator comes to an abrupt stop)

NC (VO): Alright, everybody stay calm: it's probably the devil.

Ben: Aw, come on, man...

(Cut to security office, Ramirez observing one monitor while his boss Lustig observes another)

Ramirez: Why's elevator 6 in inspection mode?

Lustig: Huh?

Ramirez: Elevator 6.

(Lustig looks at the monitor)

Lustig: Oh, full house. Two queens, three jacks.

(The rest of the group is confused)

SC: ...Who says that?!?

Lustig: Yo, Dwight, you got a problem.

(Cut to custodian by a broken window elsewhere in the building)

Dwight: Tell me about it. I'm already up on 35 fixing it.

Lustig: The elevator?

Dwight: (over the radio) No, the broken window.

NC (VO): Yeah, I'm guessing either lightning struck it, a person jumped, or it spontaneously exploded onto the street. Either way, I don't think it's worth calling the police over.

(Cut to the ground outside, where a massive shard of glass falls toward the ground. Bowden pushes Markowitz out of the way as it hits the ground and shatters)

NC (VO): (as Dwight) Oh, hey, is that the police down there? Don't worry, not needed.

Bowden: You might wanna secure that better.

Gus: Okay, okay.

(Cut back to elevator)

NC (VO): The speakers are busted, so only the security team can talk to them and not they to the security team. This gives obvious jackass [Vince] plenty of time to be an obvious jackass.

Vince: Well, at least we got tunes. (singing) "Bum, bum, bum, don't sit under the apple tree with anyone else but me..." Come on, grandma, you know the words. "Anyone else but me..."

Sarah(offscreen) Don't be a jerk...

NC (VO): (as Vince) Hey, come on! You try to make dialogue in a Shyamalan film sound natural!

Vince: (laughing) Okay, I was just joking, I'm joking.

NC (VO): Things don't help when we find out our security temp is claustrophobic, the maintenance guy can't fix the problem, and Awkward McJerkoff still thinks he needs to convince us that he can play a good asshole.

Vince: When we get out of here, (gives Jane his card) you're gonna need a good rest.

Jane: (reads the card) "Mattress Mania"?

Vince: That's us! Now everybody's had their mattress too long. Am I right? You didn't follow that advice about flipping it every few months.

NC (VO): (as Vince) I also go door to door selling cars, life insurance, and any religion you're not a part of. Have I mentioned I'm the obnoxious guy?

Vince: You don't have to be as well-off as this one. (pointing to Sarah)

Sarah: I'm not that well-off.

Vince: What makes me good at selling mattresses is I can look at a person's clothes, and know exactly how much they can afford to spend. And you, lady? You're no Super Sleeper.

NC (VO): (as Vince) I've also learned how to be as charming as a cactus on your gallbladder. With that said, might my humbleness interest you in a mattress? ...I'm the obnoxious guy!

(The lights and music start flickering in the elevator)

Jane: (groans) Oh...

NC (VO): The lights start to flicker, until it's totally dark. When they come back on, we see someone has bitten off a little bit more than they could chew.

(On lifting Sarah's shirt reveals that there was a huge bite wound on her torso)

Jane: What in the world...?!

Sarah: It feels like something bit me!

NC (VO): So, wait, the Devil BITES people?

(Rita, SC, and NC looks suspiciously towards an uncomfortable Satan)

Satan: ...It was an awkward phase.

(They still look suspicious)

Satan: Sometimes I try less seducing the lost and wretched and...just try...biting them... every once in a while.

Rita: (points to him) You have issues!


(Back to film)

Jane: You think this is a bite?

Tony: (offscreen) No, nobody got bit.

Ben: No, nobody got bit. What else could have done that?

NC (VO): Oh, I think I get it. Maybe instead of the Devil being the traditional devil we always think of, maybe it was always (shows the poster of the movie with Taz from Looney Tunes on it) this guy the entire time. (Short sound clip of Taz's voice, then cut to security office)

Lustig: Oh, my God.

Ramirez: Whoa!

Lustig: Okay, we gotta call the police.

NC (VO): So, they only NOW call the cops, strange seeing how they know someone jumped from the building so you'd assume that they'll be there already, and decide to check out the scene.

(Scene shows Bowden on the street)

Bowden: 333 Locust, that's gotta be right around...

(Sees the number 333 in the building)

NC (VO): Why is it 333 instead of the more obvious 666? Well, seeing how Shyamalan only did the story, maybe it just counts for half the evil! (shows text "No Shyamalan = Half the Evil", then cuts to security office)

NC (VO): So, while they wait for the cops, our Hispanic Guard thinks he saw something in the video footage.

(Ramirez pauses the footage, and a strange luminescent face is visible in it)

Lustig: ...Okay.

Ramirez: You see it?

Lustig: That's just grain in the image. That's, you know, it's a mistake. It's like when people see Jesus in a pancake or something.

Ramirez: No, no, esto... estos algo malo. (Translation: This is something evil.)

NC (VO): Wait, so the Devil shows off head shots in security cameras?

(Rita, SC, and NC looks suspiciously towards Satan, again)

Satan: It's not uncommon! (smiling smugly as he straightens his clothes) I have a pretty profile. You should have seen the ones I used in the "Paranormal Activity" movies!

(Shows a clip in which a teenage girl talking to her camera in the dark. A figure behind her grabs her, the camera shakes and then cuts to static and then to black. Then we see Satan posing 5 times with some bright background and some flute music. Then static, then back back to the girl running with the camera)

Girl: Mom, Dad, help me!

(Cut to elevator)

NC (VO): The lights go off again, only this time a mirror breaks, and one of the shards flies into Mr. Asshat. Eh, to be fair, he is going out like his performance: a pain in the fucking neck!

Bowden: (on his radio) 602, we have a possible 187, I need backup.

NC (VO): So, of course, there's only one logical explanation for all of this.

Ramirez: We must consider that one of those people...might be the Devil.

NC: ...Really? Just like that? Devil? We're not leaving open for more plausible opinions like (cuts to image of a pumpkin monster) the Great Pumpkin or (cut to image of) the Flying Spaghetti Monster?

Bowden: Is this guy for real?

Ramirez: Where I come from, we call it "The Devil's Meeting".

NC (VO): But that's nothing, what proof does he have that the Devil is near? Oho, turn up the volume for this one. Maximize the frame, draw all your attention to the screen.

NC: (pulls Rita, SC, and Satan close to the camera) No, get close, get close, really get close, this has to be seen and heard with the upmost clarity to be believed. Okay, movie. What's your proof?

(Ramirez holds up a piece of toast with jelly on it, and tosses it in the air. It lands jelly side down)

Lustig: What are you doing?

Ramirez: Oh! When he's near, toast falls jelly side down...

(SC hangs his head in shame, Rita gapes before looking disgusted, and Satan looks bemused, then resigned)

NC: YES. You just saw that!

NC (VO): The absolute proof to show that the Devil is near is taking a piece of toast, putting jelly on it, throwing it up in the air, and seeing if it lands jelly side down!

NC: ...With all due respect, writers, creators, makers of this movie...did you drink as a fetus?

NC: (vo) I don't know how you would accomplish that, but it's the only way I can comprehend writing this spectacularly stupid! Jelly side down equals Devil; are you fucking kidding me?! Is this a tested method? One that's really valuable? Is this the method (a picture of St. Peter's Church) the Vatican uses? (picture of Pope Benedict XVI) Do religious leaders all come together to test the devil's arrival with pastry goods?

(Cut to a break room with Rachel as a nun, Jim Jarosz and Barney Walker as priests and Rob Walker as a monk. Doug is also a priest talking to the group. On the whiteboard, it says "Kitchen of Demonic Testing. Diocese of Baked Goods." Pleasant music plays in the background.)

Father Doug: So, in conclusion to our weekly kitchen of demonic testing research, we have discovered that the cream in the coffee has swirled in the right direction, the chocolate icing on the donut was equally distributed, and the mustard in the ham sandwich on rye did not drip all the way to the floor. All that remains, of course (taking out a piece of toast with jelly on it) is our beloved toast test. (chuckles) And seeing how we've been doing this for 180 years and not once has it ever landed on the wrong side, I think we can all get ready to go while I perform this last one.

(Doug drops the toast to the floor and it lands jelly side down, making his smile drop and the music turn sinister. The rest of the congregation looks at it, then back to Doug. Jim takes his glasses off before Doug blurts it out)

Father Doug: JELLY SIDE DOWN!!! (everyone screams, with Barney throwing up his fingers in a cross sign) Jelly side down! (now it devolves into outright violence with Barney beating up Rob and Jim choking Rachel. Doug kisses his rosary) Jelly side down! (he kisses his rosary again) Jelly side down! (Rachel's now beating Jim with his own glasses while Doug screams out in anguish)

(Cut back to NC)

NC: Fucking ridiculous!

Satan: Actually, to be fair, the jelly side down test isn't a bad one.

Rita: Oh, bullcrap! Santa Christ, do you have a piece of toast with jelly on it?

SC: (jovially) Of course I do. (he hands Rita a piece of toast with jelly on it) I'm Santa Christ.

(Rita drops the toast jelly side up. It stops in mid-air with the sound effect of screeching brakes, flips upside down, then lands on the floor. Everyone looks at Rita questioningly)

Rita: ...Best out of three! (bends to pick it up)

(The lights go out)

NC: Oh, now what?

(The lights come on and the guys react to seeing Rita is now slumped in the corner, dead with a lopsided smile on her face and blood coming out of her mouth. NC and SC look at Satan)

Satan: ...Oh sure, just because I'm the Devil, everyone assumes I did it. How do I know neither of you did it? Nostalgia Critic, you hate the Power Rangers!

NC: Yeah, but not enough to kill a cast member! ...Unless it was Alpha.

Satan: And Santa Christ, you fight monsters just for fun! You could be just as guilty.

SC: But I only do that on Thursdays!

NC: ...Face it, guys. Everybody in this elevator's a suspect...

(The music gives off a dramatic sting)

Goit: Hey, are people killing one another in there?

NC: Yeah?

Goit: Stop that!

(SC, NC, and Satan look exasperated, and cut to commercial)

(Resume with SC, NC, and Satan in the elevator)

NC: Okay, okay. What do you say we just finish the review without any more neck-breaking?

Satan: Okay.

SC: Okay.

(All three look away in disgust from Rita's corpse)

NC (VO): So the detective goes up to the broken window to see if the jumper and the killer in the elevator have any connection.

(Bowden meets with analyst Elsa Nahai at said location)

Elsa: Could you take a look at the suicide note? Most of it make sense but then it ends with, "I can hear the Devil's footsteps growing nearer" ...Usually suicide notes are either all crazy or all rational, but this one is both.

NC (VO): Oh, yeah! Just like that totally crazy one I read last week that said (cut to childish writing that says) "Duck duck orange juice Robert Downy Junior" or the totally rational one I came across the other week that (cut to well-drawn mathematical diagram) listed the scientific and mathematical equations about why the suicide happened. Mixing the two? NEVER happens!

Ben: (lights starts flicking in the elevator again) I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!

NC (VO): Back on "Lord of the Floors" as we see the lights go out again leading to more mayhem.

Ben: The hell is going on?! (Turns on a match in the darkness and we briefly see the devil's face before he strikes again)

NC (VO): Ugh, so... (showing the frame of the devil's face) The devil looks like a TPed version of Jack Skellington?!

Satan: (SC and NC look at him) ...It scares kids at birthday parties! (All three look away from Rita's corpse in disgust again)

NC (VO): And while the lights go out, it looks like that Grandma [Jane] didn't want to hang around anymore. (the lights of the elevator return showing that Jane has been brutally hanged with a cable, scaring everyone) "Well, I'll tell ya, those bowels are gonna be evacuating anytime and I'm not gonna want to be in this elevator then!" So, one of the guards goes to see if he can fix the wire, the other two cops go searching for more information on who the killer could be leaving WHO to look after the elevator..?

NC (v/o): (shows Ramirez while playing the sound of a cuckoo clock) That's right, Crazy Toast Man, of course! Oh, yeah! That's a smart idea: put the guy you declared was insane in charge of a box of people going insane and killing one another! That's like putting (show image of) the Human Torch in charge of keeping (show image of many corn kernels) 50 packs of popcorn kernels from popping! YOU KNOW SOMETHING'S GONNA BLOW! But come on, in this time of raging emotions and uneasy nerves surely he won't do ANYTHING to make it worse...

Ramirez: Dios te salve María. Llena eres de gracía. Bendita... (Translation: God save you, Mary, you are filled with grace. Blessed...) (He is reciting the Hail Mary prayer in Spanish to the people in the elevator, and continues to do so in the background.)

NC (v/o): Oh, that's just fucking great asshole, that will totally calm them down! Why don't you just pop in a CD playing "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" while you're at it?

SC: Oh, you don't know that, maybe someone praying for their immortal souls will make them feel better! (Tony attacks Ben while Sarah urges him to kill Ben) Oh... Maybe not...

NC (VO): (as Bowden, who rushes back to Ramirez) "Oh, Christ, why haven't we fired you yet?"

Bowden: (takes the elevator's speaker) Back away from each other, now! Get off! We're gonna keep you safe and here's how: everyone get to a corner and place your hands on the wall, DO IT!

NC (VO): (as Bowden) And whoever the killer is, really think about what you have done!

Ben: Just shut up and keep your hands on the wall!

NC: So, who do we turn to to finally start making sense of all this? Pft, Crazy Toast Man, of course!

Bowden: In a hypothetical conversation that I'm not really would this story of yours end?

Ramirez: They all die.

Bowden: ...That's it?

Ramirez: ...Yeah.

NC (VO): "Well, let's wrap up here, men! El Loco Diablo here says there's nothing we can do!" (As another cop) "But sir, what evidence do you have of that?" (as Bowden) "The toast landed jelly side down!" (as the cop) "Jelly side down? (as both) AAAH!"

Ramirez: They made the choices that brought them here.

NC (VO): So the reason Crazy Toast Man thinks they're all gonna die is that after doing more research it turns out that all of them have a criminal past. So the Devil, obviously, instead of killing them in an unsuspicious, quiet and not camera-recorded way, decides to draw out the taking out these random five people as slowly as fucking possible!

Satan: Aaand, turn. (SC and NC look at him again)

NC: You took an entire day and all this effort just to take down FIVE people who you could have taken down in a millisecond?!?

Satan: I'm just showing how secret and subtle I am!

NC: You're about as secret and subtle as The Matrix! (VO) Anyone not clinically braindead would be able to tell something was up! And are there really only FIVE people in the ENTIRE world going to Hell today? Really? Fucking FIVE?!? By God, their crimes range from bank fraud to pick pocketing, nobody else in the entire world has done anything worse than THIS?!

Satan: Look, I just need a "stupid day"! You know how some companies have "funny hat day" or "casual clothes day"? (as the most infamous bits of the movie are shown) I have "stupid days" where I pick one day and don't do anything that makes sense whatsoever!

SC: ...You're really bad at this.

Satan: SHUT UP!

SC: [I've] made bowls of oatmeal more frightening than him... (Satan looks at him upset)

NC (VO): So since the maintenance guy got axed off as well, because you know, a building this big would have only ONE maintenance guy, one of the guards goes to see if he can fix the elevator.

Lustig: I might have found the problem, a bad wire looks like it could be shorting out the circuit.

NC (VO): Okay, why is it in movies all the important wires and buttons that make everything work are always put in rooms that have no fucking lights?! Don't you wanna SEE what you're doing when you're fiddling with this incredibly important stuff? "But hey, what does this button do"? (Lustig presses a control that inadvertently cuts out the power of the entire building) "Whoops." (VO) He sees one of the wires is cut and caught in a puddle of water and... Rather than going to the firefighters we clearly established have been here for some time, he tries to fix them up himself! Well, this looks promising. (Lustig steps on the puddle and gets electrified)

(audio from Monty Python and the Holy Grail) Message for you, sir!

Bowden: (assisting Lustig) MEDIC!

NC (VO): This comes as an especially tough blow when they realize the husband of the woman in the elevator might own the security team of the building meaning that Ben might be the killer!

Bowden: (talking through a walkie-talkie) Sarah Caraway's husband doesn't own Caraway's security, does he?! ...Meet me in the office! (runs to the office)

Ben: (to Sarah) Don't worry ma'am... I will keep you safe.

NC (VO): Now of course this could have been an ingenious move in keeping the audience guessing and on their toes, except for one simple fact that kind of leads us to the conclusion that's probably not him YOU CALLED YOUR MOVIE "DEVIL"!!! You've constantly given away that the killer is the devil! How did you think you were gonna fool us with this?!? It's like if The Wolfman tries to trick us that the killer in the movie is fucking Dracula! We KIND OF KNOW going in, guys! (the lights of the elevator turn off again and when they turn on Ben is killed with his neck twisted) "Oh, you mean he WASN'T the killer? This movie is totally keeping me guessing!" (both Sarah and Tony grab a sharp piece of glass to defend themselves from one another) So only two remain, each one thinking that the other is the killer!

Tony: I should kill you right now. I should kill you right now before you try, I should cut you right now..!

Sarah: And what would be your defense, huh?

(Cut to a scene from Face/Off)

Castor Troy: Wheeeee! Haha! What a predicament!

(Cut back to the movie, with Sarah and Tony attempting to kill each other in a stand off)

Ramirez: (Looking at them through the camera) This is what he does, he wants us to look everything...


Bowden: What to do, according to your story... How would I save them?


Satan: Hey, come on! He's a good press agent.


Satan: (threateningly) Just what are you trying to say?

NC: (turning to face him, unfazed) I'm trying to say that I've seen games of RISK with faster stategies than yours!

Satan: Oh, yeah?! Well, at least I'm still alive in this death machine! (The lights of the lift turn off again, and when they return, Satan is reduced to a skeleton, which promptly collapses into a pile of bones, much to Santa Christ and the Critic's horror)

(The Critic and Santa Christ hold each other, then they get away from each other as they scream in terror.)

Santa Christ: (shatters the top of his cane revealing a blade pointing it at the Critic) Stay back! Don't make Santa gut you like an arctic seal!

NC: (draws his gun and points it at Santa Christ) Game's up, Santa Christ! We all know it was you!

Santa Christ: I swear to God that I'll spill your sweet red life juice all over the elevator floor!

NC: You're not fooling anybody! ...Although... Really all you did was kill the devil...Is that really such a bad thing..?

SC: Don't make me poke you full of ho-ho-holes!

NC: Okay, Okay... Look... Maybe the answers... Are in the rest of the movie... Perhaps we should watch the rest of it... Maybe we can find out what's going on. I'm gonna put down my gun... And you put down your... Candy... spear. (Slowly, they both put on the floor their weapons and take a deep breath) Okay... Let's see what happens. (Santa Christ tries to reach the Critic's gun but he smacks his hand)

NC (VO): So to calm the two down the cop tells them a story about how he almost lost himself to alcohol, after his family died in a hit and run, and that they have the choice of doing the right thing... (Tony and Sarah put down their shards of glass) ...And that works great! (The lights of their elevator goes off again) ...For about two seconds. (The lights return and Tony sees Sarah on the floor choking from a wound on her neck) So, just when it looks like it's revealed who the killer is, get a load of this!

Tony: (while trying to succour Sarah) Come on! Breathe! (Behind him, the corpse of Jane slowly stands up, a dark look on her face)

NC and SC: OH, COME ON!!! (they budge each others shoulder and they both back away with clenched fists, SC making an "I'm watching you" gesture)

NC (VO): So the old lady is the devil? How is that a good twist?!? We were never made privy to the idea that this was possible! In The Sixth Sense there were clues in the scenario that made it clear the twist could happen in this setup! Here they're just making up the rules as they go! And I know what you're thinking: "Oh, well, you didn't predict it so it must be a good twist!" Well, I wouldn't be able to predict if they all turn into Snowmen of George Takei (Shows a picture of a bunch of snowmen with smiling faces of George Takei inside an elevator) but that doesn't mean it's good! ...It would be more entertaining than this, but it definitely wouldn't be good!

Jane/Devil: Are you ready for your turn, Anthony? The whores, the liars, the cheats and the deserters, it's always the same to me.

NC: (vo) Why the hell is she giving him a talking to when she clearly never did it with any of the other victims? Is the devil all this time really just your angry mother trying to bail you out?

Tony: Take me instead.

Devil: You think this will make you good? You're not good.

NC: (vo) Ehhh, maybe it's a random contrived way to give this guy a chance to redeem himself... (Tony grabs a walkie talkie from the dead security guy and starts speaking into it) Ta-da!

Tony: I-I, I killed a mother and her-and her son on Bethlaham Pike five years ago.

NC (VO): He of course confesses to the cop, what else? That HE was the guy who committed the hit and run that killed the cop's family.

(cut to a clip of Miss Piggy from The Great Muppet Caper)

Miss Piggy: What an unbelievable coincidence!

(Cut back)

Devil: You think you can be forgiven?

NC (VO): Well, wouldn't you know it? Confessing his crime wins him a "get out of Hell free" card and the Devil lets him go leaving God knows how much surveillance footage, fingerprints, and testimonials that the Devil is the worst kept demonic secret the world has ever known!

Devil: Damn. I really wanted you.

NC (VO): (as the Devil) Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to go make "What the Fox Say?" a big hit.

(the lights go out again, and as the security guards finally get the elevator open, the Devil is nowhere to be seen)

Bowden: Where'd she go? (Bowden looks inside the elevator as well as above it with no trace of her before yelling in a dramatic slo-mo scene with no dialogue)

NC (VO): (slowly, as Bowden) Find her! Find Judge Judy! Check every hair and dye salon in town!

(Cut to Bowden driving with Tony in the back of his car)

NC (VO): And of course, in the world of rushed whatever endings, the cop finds it in his heart to quite instantly forgive the survivor.

Bowden: I've been waiting for this moment for five years; all the things I'd say to you. (Cut forward) I forgive you.

NC (VO): (as Bowden) You see, my wife just before she died told me to swing away, which prevented an alien attack, so I guess it kinda evens things out.

NC (VO): And, sure enough, the city is no longer up-side down, but instead, right-side up.

(M. Night Shyamalan is made to look like animated Tarsem from The Cell)


NC: Well at least we got through this movie together, Santa Christ? Santa Christ? (he looks around for him and sees SC's now dead with a safe on his head!) Aah! Oh my God! What does this mean? Was he the Devil? Am I the Devil? Was the elevator the Devil? What? What? (an explosion happens behind him as Satan gets up. NC looks behind him and falls to the floor, backing up to the corner) Oh my God, the Devil was the Devil! (pauses) You know, in hindsight, I probably should have seen that coming.

Satan: Foolish mortal. I'm not the Devil. I'm really...

(An explosion covers his transformation as he reveals himself to be a figure dressed like Amon from The Legend of Korra: Lord Shyamalan)

Shyamalan: ...Shyamalan.

NC: Goddamn it, Shyamalan, even the reveal of yourself is a lame twist! Where's the clues of who you really were? Where's the deductive reasoning?

Shyamalan: I am still the master of twists. If you could think up a better one for my movie, I'd like to hear it.

NC: Well, how bout if Crazy Toast Guy was the Devil?

(Shyamalan thinks about it)

Shyamalan: Actually, that's kind of brilliant.

NC: He knows how the Devil works, he can do it all without getting caught, there's not a ton of video footage of him prancing around like a paparazzi whore--

Shyamalan: Enough! My only weakness is critics like you pointing out that I have any weaknesses. (he sticks his thumb out) Prepare to be Shyamalized.

(NC braces for it, but then SC gets up. A fiery explosion reveals that he was Satan in disguise)

NC: What the hell?

Satan: Exactly.

NC: Wait, so the Devil wasn't the Devil, the Devil was Santa Christ?

Shyamalan: That sounds needlessly complicated. Can I steal that?

(Satan snaps his fingers and a fiery explosion makes Shyamalan disappear)

Satan: I was waiting for him to reveal himself so I can send him back to Hell.

NC: Oh, good, so you don't really do any of that stuff in the movie, do you?

Satan: No. That would be unbelievably stupid.

NC: Thank God, because this movie makes no sense!

(Clips of the movie play as the closing summary comes up)

NC (VO): If it was just a thriller about people stuck in an elevator, it would have had a better chance. Most of the actors are pretty decent. (shot of Vince) ...Most of them. And it has a fair grasp of good pacing and cinematography. But when you throw in lame dialogue with lame story elements, and, of course, a lame supernatural element that weakens the suspense more than heightens it, you get a clumsy, unfinished mess!

NC: And it's definitely one I'm glad to be done with.

Goit: Hey, you folks all right in there?

Satan: It's okay, sweetie, you can cut out the voice now.

Goit(now in a girly voice) Oh, OK.

(Cut to a control room, where Goit is revealed to be Evilina)

Evilina: Whew! That was starting to hurt my throat!

Satan: Okay, why don't you be a darling and lower us down to the main floor?

Evilina: Okay!

(she then begins singing and pressing random buttons, making the elevator shake)

Satan: Uh, no, I think you might wanna try the yellow button. (the elevator shakes again) Or maybe the left or right. (another shake)

Evilina: (spinning in her chair) Wheee! Button button button!

(The elevator continues shaking)

Satan: Okay, it looks like we're going to have to jump off the floor. Uh, help me pry open these doors, will you?

(Satan goes out of frame to open the elevator doors)

NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. (he goes out of frame to help Satan open the door)

Satan: Ooh, this floor has a pool. 1, 2, 3, jump!

NC: Aaah!

Satan: Too slow! Hehehehehe.

(Cue credits. After that, cut back to Rita's body in the elevator. After a couple of seconds, she grins, revealing that she had been faking her death. She rises to her feet before revealing herself, in a puff of smoke, to be Cthulhu)

Cthulhu: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Everything's going according to plan... (cut to black) ...People love Cthulhu.

(Channel Awesome logo)

Ramirez: When he's near, toast falls jelly side down.

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