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Demon Knight
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Released
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October 16, 2019
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Running Time
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19:55
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Previous Review
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Next Review
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Link
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(The Channel Awesome logo plays, followed by the 2019 Nostalgia-Ween opening. This time, the opening consists of footage of the TV show Tales From the Crypt)
Nostalgia Stack (vo): 1989: HBO releases a new television series from Robert Zemeckis called Tales From the Crypt. A send-up to horror pulp comics, (The cover of a comic version of "Tales From the Crypt" is displayed briefly) it was seen as an excessive, smutty, over-the-top gorefest of bad taste, obnoxious jokes and trashy writing. By God, we loved every minute of it.
(Cut to footage of a movie adaptation of the TV show, Demon Knight)
Nostalgia Stack (vo): In 1995, Universal releases a cinematic treatment of the TV show, Demon Knight. While not a critical darling, it did bring in almost double its budget and over time gained a cult following. Years later, does it still have the same blood-dripping grip with a bad pun attached as it did when it first came out? Was the Cryptkeeper the voice of (image of...) Buster Bunny in the last few episodes of Tiny Toons?
(Cut to Nostalgia Stack standing in the middle of the foggy street)
Nostalgia Stack: Betcha didn't know that one, did ya? Watch the Christmas special; you'll totally notice a difference. I'm Nostalgia Stack, and welcome to Nostalgia-Ween. (nods)
(This time, the words that slide down the purple bars are follows: "Nostalgia Critic", "Cryptkeeper", "Tales From The Crypt", "Hello Kiddies", "I Got Hemorrhoids", "Insert Death Pun Here", "High Pitched Laugh", "Airbags Gotta Love 'Em", "Heads Up", "I L-L-L You". The "reviewed" clips include those from the 2017 version of It, Freddy vs. Jason, and the 2013 NostalgiaWeen opening, which spoofs the holiday forest scene in The Nightmare Before Christmas, with NC as Jack Skellington. Then we see NC in his regular room as usual, wearing his Nostalgia-Ween jacket)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Sometimes you just need a dead guy to crack Happy Meal jokes in order to feel good.
(The title for Demon Knight is shown, followed by footage of the movie)
NC (vo): Originally written as its own standalone movie, the script for Demon Knight caught the eye of Tales From the Crypt producers who figured it'd be a perfect segue into a bigger cinematic story. Where most episodes of Tales From the Crypt are what the makers often called "comeuppance stories", Demon Knight was more of a traditional survival story told in arguably an untraditional way. It delighted the hell out of me as a kid just as much as it does now, and we're gonna see what made it stand out.
NC: Let's see if this film still matches the gory trashiness of the show...
(A shot of the title for Tales From the Cryptkeeper is shown briefly)
NC: Boy, do I need to fire my editor.
(Cut to Doug in his regular room on his computer, editing his own video)
Doug: What am I supposed to do with that?
(Cut back to NC)
NC: This is Tales From the Crypt Presents: Demon Knight!
(The opening is shown, reminiscent of the opening of the original TV show: a door opens into a haunted house, while the show's theme plays and flashes of lightning illuminate the house briefly)
NC (vo): Ah, you know how some kids have Sesame Street as their childhood TV song? We truly disturbed kids had this.
NC: (pointing to camera) You know who you are and I love you all.
NC (vo): Seriously, the price of admission was more than worth it just to see this opening on the big screen. It was just amazing to see it that large and with such incredible sound.
NC: Seriously, you can end this episode with...
(The end of the original show's intro is shown, with a corpse head popping up out of a box and cackling, while the screen melts away to reveal the title behind it)
Cryptkeeper (vo): Tales from the Crypt.
(Cut to a clip of an episode of Seinfeld, showing George Costanza in a meeting. He throws up his arms in ecstasy while everyone else in the meeting laughs)
George: All right! (gets up to leave) That's it for me! Take care, everybody!
(The movie opens on a prostitute (Brenda Bakke) covered in bits of blood lying on a bed, talking on the phone)
NC (vo): So, remember that one time you called a sex hotline? That woman you talked to is an actress now.
Prostitute: (on phone) You should've seen the look on Carl's face when I buried that axe in his chest.
NC: (as prostitute, pretending to pull imaginary phone away) It made me realize the empty connection I have with my father– (suddenly puts "phone" back to ear) I mean, how hot I am.
(Suddenly, the bloody corpse of a man appears in the room, holding an axe. He stalks toward her in a bathtub)
NC (vo): Death is but a tiny hurdle in horror films, though, as the man she murders come back for revenge. But it looks like this is all a film set directed by the Cryptkeeper, voiced again by John Kassir. I kind of love how, even though the actress is clearly acting hokey, he chooses to pick on the guy playing the monster. And it makes sense; it would be the most important to him.
Cryptkeeper: You call that acting?!
Actor playing monster with axe (John Larroquette): (taking his mask off) Yes, as a matter of fact, I do call that acting.
Cryptkeeper: (walking toward monster) You're no Gory Cooper! You ain't even a Robert Dead-ford!
NC: (as Larroquette) I don't need this. I'm John Larroquette! (points at camera) I was...
(Cut to a shot of John Larroquette's filmography on IMDB, zooming in on a credit for him in Star Trek III, where he played a Klingon)
NC (vo; as Larroquette): I was a Klingon in Star Trek III!
(Cut back to Demon Knight, with the Cryptkeeper berating Larroquette, with a spot of green is visible on his otherwise-white shirt collar)
NC (vo): It's also ironic that while he chews this guy out for not being very convincing, this also isn't the most convincing effect. (The camera zooms in on the Cryptkeeper's collar to show the green) You can even see the reflection of the green screen on his collar! Good luck avoiding that, future screenings!
Larroquette: (leaving and taking off his costume) Why the hell don't they give this guy up?
NC: (as Larroquette, pretending to get up to leave) I'm off to see if any more Night Court actors died.
NC (vo): As usual, the Cryptkeeper introduces the symphony of scares we're about to endure.
Cryptkeeper: (looking into camera) Fasten your drool cups and hold onto your vomit bags; we're going to the movies!
NC: (as Cryptkeeper, holding up fist) And sinking film careers while we're at it!
(As he says the above line, a poster for another Tales From the Crypt movie, Bordello of Blood, appears in upper-right corner. Then the movie proper begins)
NC (vo): The story starts as a car chase ensues between a man named [Frank] Brayker, played by William Sadler, and the man only known as The Collector, played by the best goddamn Billy Zane performance a Billy Zane performance could goddamn Billy Zane!
NC: (making a move-over motion with his hand) Move over...
(A shot of Back to the Future is shown, showing Biff Tannen's goons restraining Marty McFly, with the camera zooming in on one of the goons, Match, played by Zane)
NC (vo): ...Back to the Future henchman number four.
(Back to Demon Knight: The Collector's car crashes and explodes, but the Collector emerges, mostly unhurt)
NC (vo): Brayker blows up the car, but as the Black Knight put it, (as the Black Knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail) "I've had worse."
Colletor: (addressing a sheriff and a deputy) Did you see him? The guy I was chasing? Airbags; he's gotta love 'em. Did you see him?
NC: The film is great at not letting us know who the real good guy or bad guy is at first.
(Brayker is trying to hot-wire another car as a kid walks up to him)
NC (vo): Especially considering scenes like this don't get creepier with the passage of time.
Brayker: Hey, kid, (holds up a quarter to the kid) you want a quarter? How about a shiny new quarter? You want one?
Kid: (yelling) Dad, there's a guy outside stealing your car! (runs off)
NC: (as kid) Call the police, impossibly Chris Hansen!
(Brayker encounters a drunkard named Uncle Willy, played by Dick Miller)
NC (vo): Brayker befriends every '80s and '90s cult film mascot, Dick Miller, who takes him to a hotel.
(As they approach the hotel in question, a run-down shack of a place, there is a flash of lightning and a crash of thunder)
NC (vo): ...that even From Dusk 'Til Dawn cast members would be like, "Fuck that shit!"
(As Brayker enters the hotel, he looks at his hand, which has images of stars on them, plus a red light reflected off of it)
NC (vo): The stars literally align on Brayker's hand as, again, a decent mystery is set up here as to what's going on. The hotel owner [Irene (played by C.C.H. Pounder)] asks her daughter, Jeryline, played by Jada Pinkett Smith, to show Brayker his rooom, while a fired mailman [Wally], played by Charles Fleischer, looks on as a prostitute he's in love with [Cordelia (played by Brenda Bakke)] sleeps with a sleazy guy named Roach, played by Thomas Haden Church.
(In the corner above NC, the IMDB page for this movie displays the cast, which is "Everybody")
NC: Yeah, the cast list for this movie is short but simple.
NC (vo): So the writing in the first third of this movie is very... Tales From the Crypt-ish...
Cordelia: (to Irene) Maybe I should give him a freebie.
Irene: Hmm, just what he needs: someone else screwing him.
(Cut to a shot of Gary the Snail from SpongeBob SquarePants, but with the head of the Cryptkeeper edited on, as he plays a rimshot on a drum)
Cordelia: Are my sheets done yet?
Jeryline: I couldn't get all those stains out.
Cordelia: Damn guacamole.
(Gary is seen again delivering another rimshot)
Irene: (seeing Uncle Willy hold a cat on the table) Get that pussy off the table!
(And Gary delivers another rimshot)
Irene: I meant the cat.
(Gary delivers one more rimshot)
NC (vo): ...but the actors are so much fun to watch, they hold your attention until the plot gets rolling. And it certainly does that when the Collector enters the hotel.
(Suddenly, the Collector grabs Jeryline and holds a knife to her throat. Policemen approach them, aiming their guns)
Collector: Drop the guns or I'll kill her! (Policemen don't move) I SAID DROP YOUR GODDAMN GUNS!!
NC: (as the Collector) We both know she has a prosperous career of...
(Posters for The Matrix Reloaded, Girls Trip, Bad Moms, MMXXL, and Angel Has Fallen pop up, and he stops abruptly, confused)
NC: (after a beat) ...marrying Will Smith!
NC (vo): He does drop the knife as the cops try to find an artifact that the Collector says is his.
Irene: (to Brayker) What's he got to do with this?
Brayker: I, uh, worked for a...a collection agency.
NC: Remember the end of (Poster for the following pops up in the corner...) Hereditary? That's us.
(The deputy creeps slowly through the hotel)
NC (vo): They try to see if he hid it in the hotel when they come across...
(In one room, Cordelia has attached wires from an electric box to Roach's body. The deputy bursts into the room, gun drawn)
Deputy: FREEZE! (Startled, Cordelia and Roach look around)
NC: Well, they did say this movie jump-started his career. (waves dismissively) Oh, play it!
(A shot of Gary the Snail with the Cryptkeeper's head playing another rimshot appears in the corner. Back in the movie, the deputy comes across the artifact: a strange bottle full of red liquid with a cross on the end. It looks like a cross between a key and a small bottle. The Collector brings out a briefcase, which he sets on a table)
NC (vo): They finally find the artifact, but the Collecter notices liquid inside and asks someone to pour it out.
Brayker: He's not what he says he is, Willy! (He is restrained) Willy!
Collector: Just pop it out.
NC: So, yeah, while this is pretty silly, it does still keep your interest as to what's going on.
NC (vo): And part of the comedy comes from you don't know who to trust in this scenario.
Collector: (about Brayker) Look what he's done. He's gone and put something awful inside there. (smiling smugly) Would you mind dumping that out before you place it inside?
NC: I don't think Ben Affleck as...
(Cut back to the Collector's creepy smile)
NC (vo): ...the Cheshire Cat could have a more smug smile than that.
Sheriff: (taking the artifact from Willy) I'll take that, Willy.
NC: (as Sheriff) Just quoting (The earlier scene of Roach and Cordelia is shown again) what was said a moment ago.
(The Sheriff puts his gun to the Collector's back)
NC (vo): The cops find out the Collector's car was stolen and they arrest him as well. (pause) Leading to...
(The Collector flings his fist at the Sheriff about to punch him, when suddenly...we cut to a clip of the YouTube representative (played by Jim Jarosz) from the Hannibal video)
YouTube representative: Nope! You can't show that on YouTube unless you want to be demonetized! (cackles)
(NC throws his arms in the air in aggravation)
NC: GODDAMMIT! (sighs) All right, um... (struggles a bit, trying to come up with an alternative) Remember...
(Cut to a shot of Mulan, showing Fa Deng, the decapitated ancestor, who holds his head in his arms)
NC (vo): ...the headless ancestor in Mulan?
NC: You know, (Poster for Mulan appears in the corner, which he points to with aggravation) that G-rated movie?! Well, just imagine (struggles to describe it) a Billy Zane-shaped...
(The shot of Fa Deng is shown again, this time with an image of a fist added in, aimed as if to punch the head)
NC (vo): ...fist where his face should be.
NC: Needless to say, I'm still waiting for that alternate cut of Titanic...
(As he says this, a shot of Titanic appears, edited to look like Cal Hockley (Zane) is punching Jack Dawson (Leo DiCaprio) in the head so hard that he decapitates it)
NC: ...that ends the same way.
(Footage of the Collector acting much wilder than before is shown)
NC (vo): And I'll just say it: from here on out, this is Billy Zane's movie. He comes alive like he put on Jim Carrey's The Mask, except there aren't any CG cartoon effects, and seemingly nobody told him that, yet he's still acting like there are.
Collector: (various scenes) ...fuckin' hodunk Podunk, well, then, there, MOTHERFUCKER! / THE HELL IS EVERYTHING?! / Hello! / I'm lookin' at you, Uncle Willy! / Come on out, everybody, it's time to play! / Life sure feels good, don't it?
NC: Live your life like Billy Zane in Demon Knight. There's too much fun in the world not to be utilized.
NC (vo): He spills green blood on the ground, which gives birth to demons rising from the sand. But Brayker pours some of the blood from the key into the doorway, creating a demon force field. Yeah, how is there not a video game created for this?
(One demon arrives at another door. Jeryline opens it, revealing the demon, and screams at the sight of this thing. The demon grabs Jeryline, but Brayker throws a knife into its eye, causing it to release its hold on Jeryline)
NC (vo; as Jeryline): Oh, my God, that was so cool! (Another demon enters) Hey, mister.
(Cordelia punches this demon, but doesn't do much damage. It glares menacingly at her)
Cordelia: I'm sorry.
NC: Don't be. He's only been alive for two minutes, and already he's been punched by a prostitute. It took me 35 years to get that merit badge.
(The people inside shoot at the demons in the eyes to do damage)
NC (vo): They discover they have to hit the eyes to kill them, but it shoots out a beam, hurting the mailman.
(The beam from the demon in question knocks Wally into a wall. He falls to the ground, gasping for breath, while Cordelia tries to comfort him by holding his head in her arms)
NC: (as Charles Fleischer) Now I, of course...
(Cut to footage of a shooting of Who Framed Roger Rabbit, showing Fleischer, the voice of Roger, dressed up like the character voices)
NC (vo; as Fleischer): ...wear a bunny suit to get in character for Roger Rabbit...
NC: (as Fleischer, crossing arms) ...so I insist on...
(The scene of Wally in Cordelia's arms is shown again)
NC (vo; as Fleischer): ...sitting in a prostitute's arms for hours for this performance.
(The Collector smashes through the demon force field with his fist)
Collector: Give me the key, Brayker, (Brayker shuts the door in his face) for crying out loud!
NC (vo): Brayker closes off the rest of the doorways as he explains what they're up against.
Irene: What the hell are those things, demons or something?!
Brayker: Worse.
Roach: Demons. Oh, that's sweet! That's just fucking sweet!
NC: (confused) He reacted to demons the same way you'd react to squirrels in an attic!
Roach: Demons. Oh, that's sweet! That's just fucking sweet!
NC: (as Roach) Gotta get peanut butter, a trap... Can we electrocute him to death? (The scene of Cordelia's sex with Roach with the electrical wires is shown in a corner) 'Cause I have the cables for that.
(Brayker sees one of the stained glass windows, which has a cross-like shape on it, and he has a flashback to the crucifixion of Jesus Christ)
NC (vo): Brayker has a flashback to... (laughs nervously) Oh, yeah, this all makes great.
(As a man in a robe watches Christ expire on the cross, another cloaked figure appears, in darker attire and its face hidden in the cloak, save for its glowing demonic eyes, getting the first man's attention)
NC: Let's see if this has the same subtle restraint Passion of the Christ had.
(As the man holds up a key that looks like the one Brayker possesses, a bolt of lightning shoots down out of the sky and zaps the man holding it. He cries out in agony)
NC: (shrugs) Somehow, this is more subtle.
NC (vo): He [Brayker] gets snapped back to reality as the prostitute is tempted by the Collector, who uses illusions and mind games to trick her into letting him turn her into a demon.
Collector: (reaching his hand out to her) All you have to do is let me in...
(A tear runs down Cordelia's cheek and is then blown off by a gust of wind)
NC: Now, this is a great effect when you realize there was no CG used for it; it was done on set.
NC (vo): But when you realize the only way that can be done is through an air-blowing device, (Her lips are pushed in by the gust of wind) it does kind of mess with the soothing mood a bit.
Collector: All you have to do is let me in...
(The tear is blown off her cheek, but with the sound of an air blower playing added in)
NC: I was already getting...
(As he speaks, a clip of an episode of The Simpsons' Treehouse of Horror is shown, showing Homer blowing on Bart's face with a hair dryer, which presses against his cheeks and rippling them)
NC: ...a Treehouse of Horror vibe; why stop now?
NC (vo): The mailman enters the room, unaware that the Collector has possessed her, and she rips him apart, as well as the hotel owner's arm. Brayker kills her, though, as they find a secret passage underground that everyone wants to use except Brayker.
Roach: I say we give those goddamn demons what they want.
Brayker: I'm not gonna give you the key. You're gonna have to take it. (aims his gun at Roach) And then I'm gonna have to kill you. Right?
NC: (as Roach) Joke's on you. Spider-Man 3 will do that for me.
(Brayker and the others head down into the passageway anyway and meet the boy from earlier)
NC (vo): They decide to give it a shot as they come across the boy from earlier [Danny] and his demon parents. Wait, his parents weren't demons!
(The demons roar and jump at Brayker's group and they run off)
Danny: The demons got them! Run!
NC (vo): Even though they fight the demons off, things get complicated because now there are seven people.
NC: Yeah, like I said, it gets complicated. (massages forehead)
Brayker: I mean, there are only five of you; they need seven. It's like tumblers in a lock; everything has to line up. Seven stars, seven people...
NC: (as Brayker) It has to be the seventh hotel to have seven doors while...
(Cut to a shot of the poster for...)
NC (vo; as Brayker): ...Seven Brides For Seven Brothers plays on seven TVs!
NC: (as Brayker) It's in the Scripture!
NC (vo): He reveals that the demons are the darkness before God said, "Let there be light," and only a key passed down a select chosen few carrying the blood of Christ can stop them.
Jeryline: (seeing Brayker cradling the key) The blood ins– inside... Is that?
Brayker: Some of it, yeah.
NC: (as Brayker, pretending to look at a bottle) The rest is Wild Turkey. (nods) That with the blood of Christ mixes surprisingly well.
(With that, we go to a commercial break. Upon return, the movie resumes with Roach stealing the key while the Collector tries to possess Jeryline)
NC (vo): So Roach steals the key as the Collector tries to persuade Jeryline to be possessed.
Collector: (to Jeryline) You will give me what I want. That's just the way it is. (The camera closes in on his eyes) And the sooner you figure that out, the better.
NC: (as the Collector) Haven't you realized nobody can resist my eyelashes? (bats his eyes, which makes a machine gun sound)
(Jeryline walks out of the room slowly, her eyelids half-closed; something has happened to her)
NC (vo): I like that when she walks out, you're not sure if she gave into him or not, again keeping the suspense a little higher.
(Now the Collector is seen at a bar, set up for a wild party, and he's the bartender, wearing sunglasses and smoking a cigar)
NC (vo): But that doesn't stop the Collector appealing to his willy by appealing to his Willy.
Collector: (holding up a bottle to Uncle Willy) Drink this one down, Uncle Willy.
NC (vo; as Collector): We can't stop here! This is demon country!
Collector: (as Willy drinks the drink the Collector gave him) There ya go. Have another.
(He pours another drink for him as the camera again zooms in on his face as he blow cigar smoke)
Man in crowd: Dirtiest man I ever saw. (laughs)