Dear Future Husband

Dear Future Husband by krin.jpg

Date Aired
June 30, 2015
Running Time
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Todd plays "Dear Future Husband" on the piano

A pop song review

Todd: Midway through 2014, we were introduced to one of the biggest new breakout stars in pop music.

Video for "All About That Bass"

Todd (VO): 20-year-old Meghan Trainor, who instantly made headlines with her body-image positivity message song, "All About That Bass".

Meghan: Yeah, it's pretty clear
I ain't no size two

Todd (VO): This was a huge hit, but it was also surprisingly controversial. To put it in a nutshell, she was tackling a very feminist subject in a not very feminist way, not to mention a topic, which, when handled badly, can be very hurtful to a lot of people, so that led to a lot of widely varied responses from people trying to analyze it.

Todd: Ugh, thinkpieces. Thinkpieces everywhere.

Todd (VO): Because of that, when I did my review, I tried to be as sensitive as I could be while being as honest as possible about what I felt about the song. I did my best, but I'll be straight with you guys.

Todd: I think I blew it.

Todd (VO): Look, I was walking on eggshells. It was so touchy. Plus I was just lukewarm on the song, which meant I didn't have much of an axe to grind one way or the other, and I just feel like it wasn't as sharp as it should've been. Since then, my thoughts on the song have evolved considerably and...yeah, being honest, the reason this episode exists is because I wanted to do it over.

Todd: So there you go, we're starting fresh here. Starting from scratch. Everything I said in that last review, just erase it. This is my review of "All About That Bass".

Extreme close-up

This song blows!

Todd (VO): I never want to hear this goddamn song ever again. I would rather fill my sinuses...

Todd: ...with venomous scorpions before I ever had to listen to this again.

Meghan: She says boys like a little more booty to hold at night

Todd (VO): Yes, the fact that Meghan Trainor made her body-positivity song about what guys like was one of the worst ideas any artist has ever had. And not for any reasons of political correctness or anything. No, no.

Todd: It's because she doesn't have a goddamn clue what she's talking about!

Meghan: 'Cause I got that boom-boom that all the boys chase

Todd (VO): Ladies, are you seriously gonna take advice on what guys like from someone who calls their ass their "boom-boom"?

Todd: If I wanna know what boys like, I'm not gonna ask someone who sounds like she's never dated anything but her [poster of...] Zac Efron poster.

Todd: This is not an authority on how to attract a man. Meghan Trainor is the real-life equivalent of [clip from Bob's Burger - "Burger Wars"] Tina Belcher confidently asserting that her sexy dance moves will bring all the boys to the yard.

Jimmy Pesto (Jay Johnston): Come on, Jimmy Jr. Let's get back to work.
Clip of "Lips Are Movin"

Todd (VO): And my opinion of her has not improved with any of her subsequent singles.

Meghan: I might be young
But I ain't stupid

Todd: I will respectfully disagree.

Meghan: I know you're lying
'Cause your lips are moving

Todd (VO): Well, yeah, she is, in fact, pretty young, but that's not an excuse. She is roughly the same age as [brief clips of "Chasing Pavements" by...] Adele when she started, and considerably older than [...and "Teardrops on My Guitar by...] Taylor Swift when she started, and never did those two sound like they were talking about things they hadn't experienced. Maybe in real life, Meghan Trainor is swimmin' in dudes, I don't know, but she sure isn't able to project it on record. [Clip of "One Time" by...] She's annoying the same way that Justin Bieber was annoying five years ago—too young, too cocky, and not enough charisma to back it up.

Listening to her sing, "that booty-booty," is exactly as annoying as Bieber singing, "shawty-shawty."

Meghan: I gave you bass
You gave me sweet talk

Todd: Stop trying to make "bass" happen. Also, was "I gave you ass" really what you wanted to say there?

Video for "Dear Future Husband"

Todd (VO): And that brings us to her latest single, "Dear Future Husband". And where...

Todd: ...the deep thinkers of our time (Tumblr.) were divided on the merits of "All About That Bass", they were...

Todd (VO): ...pretty unanimously against this one, and it's not hard to see why.

Todd: Like, you know how Meghan Trainor's style is to...

Todd (VO): ...sound retro, old-school, like it came straight from 1961? Well, this one definitely sounds like that, complete with a 60-years-out-of-date understanding of gender roles.

Todd: Look, this is already starting to get too political. Let me just try and explain on a purely aesthetic level why my ears hate this. Okay, first off, the title.

Meghan: Dear future husband

Todd (VO): "Dear Future Husband". Already, this song is poison for me. Writing letters to your imaginary husband is so middle school.

Clip of Michael Blount meme
Michael: Hello, my future girlfriend. This is what I sound like.

Todd: This song could've been called "Dear Spongebob" and it would sound less childish. But, ugh, moving on.

Meghan: Dear future husband
Here's a few things you need to know if
You wanna be my one and only

Todd (VO): Yeah, that's a pretty big if. As I mentioned in the last review, I am...

Todd: best, partially about that bass. But let's say that I am. Future husband could be anyone, let's assume it's me. Maybe you're into broke, jobless guys who spend most of their day watched pirated episodes of Adventure Time. I'm your future husband. It's funny 'cause I have no future. [Fake laugh turns a little sad] Well, anyway, what do I need to know?

Meghan: Take me on a date
I deserve it, babe
And don't forget the flowers every anniversary



Todd: Oh, good, the "not a rhyme" button still works. I'm sorry, you were saying?

Meghan: ...every anniversary
'Cause if you treat me right
I'll be the perfect wife
Buyin' groceries, buy-buying what you need

Todd: What?

Meghan: I'll be the perfect wife
Buyin' groceries, buy-buying what you need

Todd (VO): Okay, I'm confused. Okay, yeah, I like having a stocked fridge, but I can't say I thought...

Todd: of the benefits of married life was someone else to buy groceries for me.

Todd (VO): I mean, I'm a grown man, I can buy my own groceries, it's not hard. I prefer doing it myself, actually. I know what I want to eat better than anyone else. That's...that's...

Todd: ...not even, like in the Top 200 on the list of how to be a perfect wife. Where did you even get that idea?

Meghan: You got that 9-to-5
But baby, so do I
So don't be thinking I'll be home and baking apple pies

Todd: I...wasn't? Yeah, being a rich, famous Internet reviewer, I do tend to attract gold-diggers who expect me to support them, so I'm glad to know you're not one of...what are you talking about?

Meghan: You got that 9-to-5
But baby, so do I

Todd (VO): Uh, yeah, of course. Of course you have a job. Single-income households haven't existed in forty years.

Todd: This isn't some new revelation. Who's expecting you to stay home and cook pies?

Meghan: I never learned to cook
But I can write a hook
Sing along with me
Sing, sing along with me

Todd: No. And who said anything about whether or not you could cook? I didn't ask you to cook. Why is this marriage all about food all of a sudden? You sure this song wasn't meant to be called "Dear Future Caterer"?

Todd (VO): All right, whatever, you buy the groceries. What are my responsibilities here? Yard work?

Meghan: Don't forget the flowers every anniversary

Todd: [writing it down] Okay, flowers...

Meghan: Tell me I'm beautiful each and every night

Todd: Compliments...

Meghan: After every fight
Just apologize
And maybe then I'll let you try and rock my body right
Even if I was wrong
[A little laugh] You know I'm never wrong

Todd: ...and hand you my testicles in a box. Okay, got it.

Meghan: You gotta know how to treat me like a lady
Even when I'm acting crazy

Todd: And of course, tolerate insanity, 'cause bitches be crazy, am I right? Can't reason with 'em, just let 'em win.

Meghan: Why disagree
Why-why disagree

Todd (VO): God, this marriage isn't even real, and I can already feel it sucking away at my soul.

Todd: I have no idea who this marriage is even meant to be attractive to.

Meghan: Dear future husband
If you wanna get that special lovin'

Todd: Being a wife seems to entail...

Todd (VO): ...mostly housework, and being a husband means kowtowing to her every whim for the hint of sex. You're gonna have to learn to be a lot less high-maintenance if you want that future husband to ever...

Todd: ...stop being future.

Todd (VO): I mean, I wanna make it clear that I don't give a good goddamn whether you cook. Cook, don't cook, I don't care.

Todd: Most guys don't, we're guys. I'm happy eating [picture of...] week-old nachos I found behind my desk. I'm just saying...

Todd (VO): ...if it's okay that you don't have to cook, how come I still gotta do all the traditional romance stuff and lose every argument?

Meghan: I'll be sleeping on the left side of the bed

Todd (VO): Actually, the problem isn't even the lyrics, it's just Trainor's singing—that perky, spunky, upbeat, baby-voice delivery—and all this retro doo-wop stuff is wearing real thin. I mean, I liked Amy Winehouse, too, and I liked Adele, and I like the Hairspray soundtrack. I mean, I get why she's popular. [Brief clip of Silento - "Watch Me (Whip/Nae Nae)"] In an era of EDM and trap music, it's nice that people still write basic tuneful songs, but she doesn't do anything with it. It's just old, over-perky lyrics and the beat from "Runaround Sue".

Todd: It's not the gender role stuff either. I mean, Nicki Minaj has a song out that's way less PC than this.

Clip of David Guetta ft. Nicki Minaj - "Hey Mama"
Nicki: Yes, I do the cooking
Yes, I do the cleaning
Plus I keep the na-na real sweet for your eating
Yes, you be the boss and
Yes, I be respecting

Todd: [laughing] Yeah.

Todd (VO): The difference between that and this is that Nicki Minaj is Nicki Minaj. I know she doesn't expect anyone to take this at face value. Like, if I got with Nicki Minaj...

Todd: ...I don't know, let assume I find a genie or something that made me rich and attractive, and...

Todd (VO): ...I got with Nicki Minaj, and I told her, "I am the boss and you will respect me," I have no doubt...

Todd: ...she will kick my ass. Or even here, let's go more traditional.

Clip of Shania Twain - "Any Man of Mine"
Shania: Woo!

Todd (VO): Yeah, let's take it to country music. And Shania here says pretty much all of the same things that Meghan Trainor does.

Shania: And I can be late for a date that's fine
But he better be on time

Todd (VO): But I was perfectly fine with Shania because it's all presented with a wink and a smile that lets you know she's not being serious.

Shania: And when I cook him dinner and I burn it black
He better say, "mmm, I like it like that:

Todd (VO): Meghan Trainor sounds like she means every word with total sincerity.

Meghan: I'll be sleeping on the left side of the bed
Open doors for me and you might get some...kisses
Don't have a dirty mind

Todd: [weak laugh] We both signed pre-nups, right?

Meghan: You might get some...kisses
Don't have a dirty mind

Todd (VO): Look, I don't care if you cook, I don't care if you clean. If I'm gonna marry someone, it's not gonna be someone who thinks that was funny!

Meghan: You gotta know how to treat me like a lady

Todd (VO): Who could possibly think this is domestic bliss? Who would fantasize about that? Do girls fantasize about this? I don't know, I didn't think girls had, like, dream future husbands nowadays. I thought it was, like, dream [picture of...] angsty werewolf or something, I have no idea.

Meghan: Buy me a ring

Todd (VO): It didn't occur to me that anyone thought this was what marriage was. I mean, I didn't, and I wasn't raised by hippies or anything.

Todd: I grew up in the South in a [pictures of...] traditional nuclear family with a mom and a dad and a bratty half-pint little brother in a house in the suburbs with an actual white picket fence, and my mom does, in fact, cook dinner. We could have been on [promo pic of Step by Step] ABC's TGIF lineup.

Todd (VO): But her understanding of marriage is something I do not recognize at all.

Todd: Where was she raised, the town from [promo pic from...] The Stepford Wives?

Todd (VO): I don't know, maybe this all makes sense if you're, I don't know, from a more religious town, or you're a character in the first season of Mad Men. But for those of us who got their understanding of relationships outside of hacky stand-up routines, this vision of what marriage is—where the man provides all the flowers and the compliments, and the women provide sex—it's just not reality.

Todd: Guys like romance, too.

Clip of Blink 182 - "All the Small Things"
Tom DeLonge: She left me roses by the stairs
Surprises let me know she cares

Todd: See, even the meatheads in Blink 182 knew that.

Meghan: Dear future husband
If you wanna get that special lovin'

Todd (VO): And girls do, in fact, like sex. I...

Todd: ...don't know that from personal experience, but I understand girls are supposed to be into this, too. It's not just a treat you give the dog when it does tricks.

Todd (VO): I overthinking this again? I...I don't know if my perspective means all that much here. I realize this isn't actually meant for any guy anywhere to listen to. This isn't meant for men any more than Lil Wayne's latest gross, degrading sex jam was meant for women. just a fantasy.

Todd: Okay, maybe I'm the one that's being too demanding. I'm taking this too literally. It's supposed to be cute. You know, tee-hee, treat me right, buy me flowers. I guess there's nothing wrong with that.

Meghan: Dear future husband
Make time for me, don't leave me lonely
And know we'll never see your family more than mine

Todd: [that's it] Are you fucking kidding me?!

Meghan: ...never see your family more than mine

Todd (VO): What the living hell?! Even as a joke, that's psychotic! Who even thinks to demand something like that?! You're gonna deliberately restrict access to my family? That's not funny! I mean, who cares whether or not you put out? I consider myself lucky at this point if you don't start attacking me with a coat hanger and boiling rabbits.

Todd: Forget this. Bachelorhood forever. I'm gonna play video games and eat garbage and not put on pants and...[pause] maybe married life isn't so bad.

Todd (VO): Fine, I'm your future husband. Mr. Meghan Trainor.

Todd: All right, let's start the honeymoon.

Meghan: Take me on a date
I deserve it, babe

Todd: [dreary] Yes, dear.

Meghan: After every fight
Just apologize

Todd (VO): Yes, dear.

Meghan: Why disagree
Why-why disagree

Todd: Yes, dear. Marriage. You know, back when I was in high school, I threw four touchdowns in one game. [sigh] I'm Todd In The Shadows, and I'm out.

He just hangs his head

Meghan: Future husband, better love me right

Closing tag song: Tammy Wynette - "D-I-V-O-R-C-E"

"Dear Future Husband" is owned by Epic Records
This video is owned by me

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