May 29, 2018
(We see the Channel Awesome logo, but replaced with an image of a unicorn and the logo renamed "Channel Unicorn", with an added caption down the bottom saying, "Now that's a horny horse". While we see the 2018 NC opening, the credits of the people in the show are replaced with various self-aware descriptions. Doug Walker's description is, "A penis with a little hat on". Malcolm Ray's description is, "One of the guys from Kid n' Play". Tamara Chambers' description is, "Rachel...or Tamara? I always forget which." Rob Walker and Jim Jarosz's description is, "Leftover costumes with people inside." Doug Walker and Rob Walker's description is, "Written by man children." And Fard Muhammad's description is, "Intro by someone who loves Deadpool, and will destroy your opening credits if you say even one bad thing about him, you son of a bitch." And the Nostalgia Critic logo is shown with Deadpool replacing the "I" on "Critic". We see NC in his room, looking weirded out)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. And judging by that very self-aware opening credits sequence, I can take a wild guess what we're gonna review today. It looks like we're gonna take a look at Deadpool 2.
("Cosplaying Asshole" Deadpool (Malcolm) suddenly appears in the room)
Deadpool: Yeah! I'm Deadpool! I'm Deadpool! I'm Deadpool! I love chimichangas! I'm Deadpool!
NC: And as you probably figured out, that means we have to put up with "Asshole Cosplay" Deadpool, that guy at every convention who thinks he's really funny because he has a Deadpool cosplay, but he's really just an annoying dick.
Deadpool: I'm Deadpool! I'm Deadpool! I'm-
("Cosplaying Asshole" Deadpool gets shot by the actual Deadpool off-screen)
Deadpool (Jim Jarosz): Not in a review of my movie. (Blows gun)
NC: Holy shit! Deadpool! Like, the actual Deadpool!
Deadpool: That's right, as close as our budget will allow.
NC: Oh. (Beat) How close?
Deadpool: Decent costume, clever writing, good-looking guy underneath.
NC: Oh, okay. (Beat) You know, Honest Trailers got Ryan Reynolds.
Deadpool: (Gasps sarcastically) Oh, wow, you're right! Well, why don't you use your clout with the crossover you did with them to get Reynolds?
NC: (looking embarrassed) Well...
Deadpool: I mean, the Deadpool on his trailer got over 20 million views. The one you did with them got...
(Screenshot of Honest Trailers - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of Their Shells (feat. Nostalgia Critic) is shown)
Deadpool: Wow, almost three.
NC: I see your point.
Deadpool: I mean, with a connection that close, you surely must be able to work your charm and man...
NC: Hey, you have no idea the connections I have!
(He sadly looks at a photo on his cell phone. The photo shows a crying NC holding a sign saying "Mr. Reynolds, please lift your restraining order!". NC looks at the camera in total embarrassment, before resuming looking at Deadpool)
Deadpool: So let's get the podcast with sketches started. I assume you want to talk about my impact on R-rated comic book movies, box office growth, and groundbreaking fourth wall humor in the same sentence?
(Suddenly, a portal appears, and from it appears Rick Sanchez (Doug) and Morty Smith (Malcolm) from Rick and Morty. The two stand to argue with Deadpool)
Rick: Not so fast, dumb devil! You're The Lion King to everybody's Kimba the White Lion.
Deadpool: Hey, where did Quantum Leap come from? (Points to Morty) And isn't he supposed to be white?
Rick: Apparently, it wasn't PC enough, so I got a black Morty from another dimension.
Morty: I'm the woke version!
Rick: You're as woke as his style of comedy.
Deadpool: Doesn't that explain why you look like Krusty the drunk Doc Brown?
NC: Well, as a completely different person, I think you look very stylish...
Deadpool: (to NC) Shut it, Bald AC/DC! (to Rick) What the hell are you doing in my review?
Rick: You think you're this big groundbreaker, and you're not.
(Posters of Sin City, Blade, The Crow, Blazing Saddles, Animal House, There's Something About Mary, Fight Club, Annie Hall, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, and The Great Muppet Caper are shown)
Rick (vo): There's other R-rated comic book hits, other R-rated comedy hits, and literally hundreds of fourth wall breakers before you.
Rick: You're the Kanye West of gimmicks pretending not to be gimmicks.
Deadpool: Ooh, a Kanye joke. It's about time someone was brave enough to make fun of him.
Morty: I don't know, Rick. I don't think we should piss this guy off.
Morty: I'm not afraid of him, I'm afraid of his fanbase. You've seen what an awkward barrel of insanity they can be!
(He gestures to "Cosplaying Asshole" Deadpool, who's still lying injured on the ground)
Deadpool ("Cosplaying Asshole"): I am...unicorn-holio. I need...TP for my bunghole...
(NC shuts him up by shooting him in the head, before trying to speak to both Deadpool and Rick)
NC: Because of the clothes, Bald AC/DC, I get it now!
(Deadpool and Rick continue to argue)
Deadpool: You can agree that every fanbase has a small percent of crazies. I think you know this more than most.
Morty: (relieved) Oh, God! Yeah...
Rick: (refusing to listen) No idea what you mean.
Deadpool: (to the camera) Hey, fans. Did you know that Rick really likes the Honey Mustard sauce at Burger King?
(Screaming and yelling from a crowd is heard, stunning NC)
NC: What the hell is that?
Deadpool: Every Burger King in America ambushed by the pimply corpses of human dignity.
Rick: You miserable Merc! No fast food establishment should ever have to go through that kind of anarchy!
Deadpool: I'm just saying that, for a scientist, you should know that a small percent, even if it's a big small percent, is still not the majority.
Deadpool ("Cosplaying Asshole"): (regains consciousness) To be fair, you have to have a high I.Q. to understand Rick and Mo...
("Cosplaying Asshole" Deadpool is shot again, this time by Rick holding a hunting gun)
Rick: Okay, you're right. Every fanbase has a few bad apples, and it's not the majority. But it doesn't mean you're still not a one-trick unicorn. I mean, what the hell are you even supposed to be? Slender Man interviewing to be the Kool-Aid guy?
Morty: (to NC) Actually, why are you doing a review on him, Critic?
Deadpool: (to NC) I admit, that's a good question. People have clearly moved on to complaining about Solo.
(NC now sits down on his review chair)
NC: Well, maybe because Deadpool is such an interesting phenomenon.
(Images of Deadpool, both in film form and in comic book form, are shown)
NC (vo): It's true there have been successful films that have done what Deadpool has done, but something about the way Deadpool is presented makes it strangely unique. Based on the comic book character created in 1991, Deadpool got a following as one of the few Marvel comic book characters to be aware he's a Marvel comic book character. He was foul-mouthed, violent, funny as hell, and constantly broke the fourth wall. But again, we've seen characters like this before. So what makes him not only such a long-lasting hit, but worthy of such a dedicated following? What is he doing with his fourth wall-breaking that sets him apart from other fourth wall breakers?
(Rick starts speaking, now sitting down with Morty on the couch and drinking a beer bottle)
Rick: Gee, I don't know. Could it be marketing the persona (A poster of Deadpool with Cable is shown) of an anti-hero who acts like a kindergartner but with a team of underpaid writers that successfully convinced us they wouldn't want to punch him in the face?
Deadpool: Hypocrite says "Blow me"?
Rick: Blow me. (Beat) I was too drunk for that one.
NC: Let's take a look at what makes Deadpool so unique...
Rick: (off-screen) He's nooot!
NC: (looking annoyed) This is Deadpool 2.
(The movie starts, once again shown through reenactments. We first see Deadpool standing on top of a building in the city)
NC (vo): It opens with Deadpool as an assassin for hire, who...
Deadpool: (looks at the city background) Whoa. Really blowing the budget on this one, aren't you?
NC: What? It's a...decent-looking city.
Deadpool: Yeah. I'm clearly on top of a building. All one of three dimensions are clearly being explored here.
NC: Look, buddy...
Deadpool: I wonder how far this ball can go? (Brings out a ball) What do you think? Four, five rooftops I can bounce it off of? (Throws the ball towards the city; it bounces away, revealing the city to clearly be an added background. Deadpool sarcastically gasps) Oh, no! An invisible force field impenetrable to bad keying!
NC: (annoyed) You have two years to make your movies! We have two weeks!
Deadpool: (sighs) Why couldn't I be in a Freddie Wong video?
NC: Just start killing people!
(As heavy metal music plays, Deadpool brings out his swords and starts killing random people in cold blood around the world. Then we see Wade Wilson come back home to his girlfriend Vanessa (Tamara))
NC (vo): He takes out bad guys all over the world...mostly for trailer fodder, but, hey, you gotta sell this picture...and comes home to his girlfriend Vanessa, from the last movie.
Wade: Okay. (Gestures to his makeup on his face) This can't be what they're going with.
NC: You will take your shitty makeup like a man.
Wade: You sound like a Toddlers and Tiaras parent.
Wade: (sighs and speaks to Vanessa) Happy anniversary, baby.
Vanessa: That is literally my surprise.
Wade: You mean...
Vanessa: Yes. I wanna be preggers!
Vanessa: Yeah. Everything's going so good, and we're so happy, and we can think of baby names...I'm gonna die.
Vanessa: I am totally gonna die. No girlfriend is this happy in the beginning of a movie without dying.
Wade: First of all, leave the fourth wall-breaking to me, because only I seem to be able to do that.
Wade: Second, that's like the oldest trope in the book. Do you really think that writers this talented...you're already shot, aren't you?
(Vanessa reveals that she has, in fact, been shot)
(She dies, angering Wade)
Wade: Noooo! Who's responsible for this?
(A man wearing a black mullet, glasses and holding a gun (Rob Walker) appears)
Gangster: (speaking in a...really obscure accent) It was me! Typical Middle Eastern-European-American Gangster Trope!
(Wade faces the gangster)
Wade: You killed my only love. Now I'm gonna destroy you in the most horrific way possible.
Gangster: And what are you going to do, Comrade Pizza Face?
(Wade lightly pushes the gangster away, just as a bus appears and runs over the gangster)
Wade: To be fair, I probably could have put more thought into that.
(The film's opening credits are shown, showing Deadpool mourning over Vanessa in various ways while the credits are shown to say, "Starring Wait a Minute...", "With Did They Just Kill Her?", "And Oh My God!", and "Produced by I Can't Believe She's Dead!")
NC (vo): The credits roll, as they emphasize what a big deal it is that they killed off Deadpool's one and only true love from the last film.
Morty: Rick, am I a dumbass or has that been done a lot?
Morty: To which question...?
Deadpool: What are you talking about? We killed off the romantic lead. That's a big-ass deal!
NC: Maybe 30 years ago, but especially with a comic book character, that's not particularly uncommon.
Rick: You should replace those hand-job credits you're giving yourself with all the other movie sequels that did the exact same thing.
(The opening credits are replaced by titles of various sequels, including The Dark Knight, The Bourne Supremacy, The Amazing Spider-Man 2, The Matrix Revolutions, Austin Powers 2, Avengers: Infinity War, and X-Men 2, 3, Days of Future Past and Logan, before saying "Actually, just assume every X-Men movie")
Deadpool: You know what? We didn't want to Home Alone 2 this, so we went with a different kind of story.
Morty: I don't know. The idea of Deadpool being a dad kind of sounds interesting.
Rick: Your inability to comprehend this key demographic astounds me, Morty. Deadpool 2.
(A poster of Deadpool with Cable and Domino is shown, before showing made-up posters of Deadpool having a child)
Rick (vo): The days of acting like a basement dweller whose contrived environment rewarded him with ninja moves and getting laid are gone! Now the hot chick is pregnant, he's raising a baby, and he has to learn the responsibilities of being an adult.
Rick: Pre-orders through the roof, baby!
NC: (fed up with Rick's criticisms) You know, you seem to think these movies are only made for angry, awkward, overweight 14-year-old boys, and I give it more credit for that!
Morty: Yeah, give art a chance, Rick! Critic, tell us what happens next.
(We see Deadpool first encountering a mutant kid named Russell (Tamara), who has the ability to release fire)
NC (vo): So Deadpool befriends an angry, awkward, overweight 14-year-old boy and...
(Rick starts laughing his head off, as Deadpool looks at the camera, annoyed)
Deadpool: Really? You had to phrase it that way?
NC: Oh, just get on with it!
Deadpool: I mean, how specific was that?
NC: COME ON!
(Deadpool sighs and turns back to put his hand on Russell's shoulder. Russell stares angrily at three scientists (Doug, Barney and Rob). Doug is smiling sadistically and holding a saw, Barney is holding an injection, and Rob is holding a tranquilizer gun. Doug also wears a tag that says "Not evil", and Barney wears a tag that says "Really not evil")
NC (vo): The boy's name is Russell, and he's a mutant at a hospital where they mistreat kids.
Russell: (speaking in a New Zealand accent) They did terrible things to me in there, things that literally scarred me for life.
(The scene is paused as the following note is posted onscreen as NC speaks as a different announcer)
Announcer: Note: We are aware this accent is terrible. Tamara's only exposure to New Zealand was an interview she saw with Peter Jackson about the Hobbit movies. We are sincerely sorry to all of New Zealand for this outrage...both the accent and the Hobbit movies.
(The scene replays)
Deadpool: I know what you're saying, kid. They took something away from you. They hurt you. And you want to hurt them back. I get it. Because you were amazing in Hunt for the Wilderpeople, and both you and Sam Neill deserve an Oscar!
NC: Actually, that does bring up a good point.
Russell: I know. I was awesome in that, right?
NC: No, I mean the tone these movies create.
(Various images of the film are shown)
NC (vo): The fourth wall jokes are funny, but do they get in the way of the heavier scenes? I like that these films try to have actual substance to them and work in dramatic elements, but isn't it a little jarring to be winking to the camera when in the following scene, you're talking about child abuse? Does it work to follow the corpses of family members with jokes about how many X-Men were paid to be in the film?
Deadpool: Oh, I'm sorry. Have you ever seen a Marvel movie? Like, any of them?
Russell: Yeah, it's basically a bunch of dramatic moments followed by jokes.
Deadpool: Hey, what did we say? I'm the only fourth wall-breaker. Remember?
Russell: Yeah, why is that?
Deadpool: So you can want to be me when you sneak into these films.
Russell: Is that manipulative or genius?
Russell: To which one?
NC: But isn't the fourth wall humor so drastically different from this kind of drama that something this big isn't gonna fit?
Deadpool: I heard it, too. (to NC) Look, Walter White. Do you laugh when we tell the jokes?
Deadpool: Do you feel emotion at the emotional moments?
NC: I guess.
Deadpool: It's because we give them time to slowly ease them in.
Russell: (chuckles) Tell me that was...
Deadpool: Totally intentional. (Russell chuckles again) That's why I can go into shooting people that hurt him like this.
(He immediately brings out his gun and shoots Rob dead)
Russell: Whoo! Can I shoot that?
Deadpool: Depending on this state's gun laws, probably.
(Deadpool prepares to shoot the other two angry scientists)
NC (vo): But this spells bad news for our wacky fourth wall-breaking superhero dressed in red.
(Suddenly, Freakazoid (Malcolm) flies in, confusing Deadpool and Russell)
Freakazoid: I'm in the film now!
Deadpool: What the hell is this?
Rick: Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention, I use my portal gun to... (Burps) ...bring in other self-aware characters to emphasize how original you are. You want to break the fourth wall? I literally break it, biatch!
(He uses his portal gun to create a portal to throw his empty beer bottle into. Right next to Deadpool, another portal appears, and the bottle flies out of it and hits Deadpool on the head)
Deadpool: Is it too late to review Show Dogs?
Freakazoid: Hey, you talking to the camera? (Pushes Deadpool away) I like doing that, too! (Speaks to the camera in a deep voice) Today, we'd like to talk about the Avengers of... (Speaks in his normal voice as he reveals his hand has got eyes on it) Hand-Man! Yay, Hand-Man!
(Deadpool faces Freakazoid, annoyed)
Deadpool: Okay, there's only room for one Jedi Master of obscure non-sequiturs. This review clearly has no budget, so we'll just cast you as Colossus.
Freakazoid: Ooh, can I teach the kids Russian?
Deadpool: With the current president, that's a good idea.
(Freakazoid chuckles, eager to play the role of Colossus)
Freakazoid: Well, what do I do now?
Deadpool: Well, you knock me and the kid out for killing those people.
Freakazoid: Can Hand-Man do it?
Deadpool: I'm already sick of you. I'm just skipping ahead.
(He brings us the next scene, showing a mysterious mutant figure named Cable discovering his family is dead, picking up a teddy, vowing vengeance, and traveling back in time, confronting Wade and Russell, who are in prison)
NC (vo): Right the hell out of nowhere, a character from a dystopian future sees his Kentucky Fried family and journeys back in time, because Russell is the one who kills them. Now, in the movie, this is Josh Brolin playing Cable. But truth be told, we don't quite have anyone as awesome as that, so we went for the next best thing.
(The one playing the role of Cable is revealed to be Devil Boner)
Devil Boner: I am Cable Boner.
Wade: I take it I have to watch the show to know what this is.
NC: He's a reoccurring character, yeah.
DB: I have to stop that boy from performing the terrible crime of child murder.
DB: By performing child murder!
(He brings out his gun and shoots at Wade and Russell, who dodge his attack)
Russell: Can't we take off our collars that mark our powers?
Wade: No. Like they said earlier, only a grenade can take them off. (A grenade goes off, knocking Wade away and releasing him from his collar) Or just hitting the ground really hard. (He and Devil Boner face each other) Look, Lobo, if we're gonna make you marketable to future franchises, you gotta tone down the kid-killing.
DB: My only concern is if Disney buys Fox, what are they gonna do when Cable fights Thanos?
(A Photoshopped cartoon image of Raphael the Ninja Turtle appears)
Raphael: (voiced by Doug) Now that's not true. Disney's merger would necessarily affect Fox's cinematic releases.
Wade: (annoyed) Enough with the fourth wall-breaking, Dr. Bunsen!
Rick: (back turned and waving his hand) Suck my Beaker, you knock-off novelty dog shit!
(Wade brings out a grenade in front of Devil Boner)
Wade: Let's blow. (Russell chuckles off-screen) I thought you'd like that one.
(The grenade explodes. Wade is shown recovering outside the prison)
Wade: Whew. Okay. I need a minute to catch my breath here. So go to Hell if you have AdBlocker, 'cause you're cutting my time in half. Whoo.
(And we go to a commercial. When we come back, we are shown Deadpool interviewing several people in an office)
NC (vo): So Deadpool decides to recruit a team with his best friend, played by T.J. Miller...
(Gene from The Emoji Movie, who was also played by Miller, is shown sitting next to Deadpool instead of Weasel)
Deadpool: Yeah, I would've made that joke, too.
NC (vo): ...as he goes through a lineup of wacky characters.
(Woody Allen (Doug) is interviewed first)
Woody Allen: My name is Woody Allen. Hey, audience, don't you wish real life was like this?
Deadpool: Hey, what did I say? Only I talk to the viewer.
(The Genie from Aladdin (voiced by Doug) is interviewed next)
Genie: Ho-ho! Hey, everybody. Was I the street merchant in the opening or not?
Deadpool: Is nobody hearing me?
(The animated Lizzie from Lizzie McGuire (voiced by Tamara) is interviewed next)
Animated Lizzie: This is the most embarrassing day of my life, folks.
Deadpool: Who invited Dr. Katz?
(Kermit the Frog (Doug) is interviewed next)
Kermit: Kermit the Frog here.
Deadpool: (annoyed at Kermit) No! I am not being upstaged by a sock!
NC: Oh, come on. That's Kermit the Frog, man.
Deadpool: He's a goddamn sock! Watch! (Attempts to pull Kermit off of the supposed puppeteer's hand, but Kermit turns out to actually be real, and Deadpool ends up ripping Kermit's skin off his body, leaving only his skeleton! Deadpool is stunned, as is NC) Oh, God!
NC: Sweet Jesus!
(Rick is watching this with a smile)
Morty: I don't know, Rick. Haven't you gone far enough with the fourth wall breakers?
Rick: Not until he sees what a... (Burps) ...gimmicky hack he is.
Deadpool: (to Rick) You're the hack, you little pop culture-spewing pimp!
Rick: Hey, at least I mock the convention of lame catchphrases. Wubba-lubba...love boat, whatever.
Deadpool: Hey, how many Pickle Rick shirts did you sell today?
Rick: That was petty and beneath you.
(Domino, played by Adonis KJ Wright, comes in to see Deadpool)
Domino: Excuse me.
Deadpool: Oh, great. And what show are you from?
Domino: Atlanta, but what does that matter?
Deadpool: Do they look at the camera in Atlanta?
Domino: They're not supposed to.
Deadpool: Great! (Sits back down on his chair) Tell me about yourself.
Domino: I'm Domino, and my superpower is I'm always lucky.
Deadpool: Yeah, I saw that episode of DuckTales, too. It's not a power.
Domino: It sure as hell is.
Deadpool: Prove it.
Domino: I was in Geostorm, yet I have a role in Deadpool 2.
Deadpool: You're hired.
(Domino celebrates to herself. We go to Deadpool outside, having jumped out of the airplane safely, only to see the other X-Force members, Woody Allen, Genie and Animated Lizzie, all falling to their deaths into their graves, with the gravestones all saying "Throw Away Joke" and its respective number)
NC (vo): He calls his team "X-Force", but it looks like he should have called them "The Expendables", because they all die before even starting their first mission.
(Deadpool brings out Kermit's lifeless skin)
Deadpool: Looks like it's just you and me, Kermit. (Imitates Kermit) Yaaaay!
(Deadpool then sees a confident Domino having landed on a pile of pillows with a sign saying, "Landmark pile of pillows")
NC (vo): Domino also survived using her luck, and they head off to save Russell in an exciting car chase.
Deadpool: Wait a minute. A car chase?
Deadpool: With this review's budget, you're gonna do a car chase?
NC: Well...attempt to.
Deadpool: Screw it! If we're gonna do a car chase with no money, we're gonna do it my way.
NC: Well, what the hell's your way?
(Deadpool is immediately shown playing with two toy trucks and making sound effects and people noises. With that serving to be this review's depiction of the car chase, we see Deadpool chasing after the police truck, Domino dodging the rolling orange truck, and Deadpool fighting with Devil Boner on the top of a police truck. Deadpool briefly makes the trucks crash into each other, before cutting back to him fighting DB in the police truck. They notice the truck is heading towards a toy unicorn)
Deadpool: (mimics himself in a high-pitched voice) Hey, Boner, look out for the unicorn! (The truck runs into the unicorn, causing both Deadpool and DB to wear unicorn horns briefly) Oh, no, now we're unicorns! I'm sexually confused!
DB: (fed up with the way this scene is portrayed) You know what? Just thwart me. We all know that's coming.
Deadpool: Okay. (Touches DB) Thwart.
DB: (acts being defeated, but in a bored manner) Aaaah...get me off this burrito set.
NC: (looking disappointed) Sad thing is, our original car chase was even lamer.
(Deadpool and Domino confront Russell, whose behavior is beginning to spiral into darkness)
NC (vo): They go to save Russell, but he's turned more angry than ever, especially having teamed up with one of his cellmates...
Juggernaut: (voiced by Malcolm) Yeah! I'm the Juggernaut, bitch! You gonna harm me? There's no one I can't kill, Deadpool!
(Deadpool and Domino look at a nervous NC in disappointment)
Domino: Seriously, we're gonna go with that one?
NC: Well, he didn't reference it in the movie, and... (Shrugs) Come on!
Deadpool: First of all, it's 10 goddamn years old.
NC: A classic never dies, no matter how dumb it is.
Deadpool: Second, I'm really trying to distance myself from X-Men 3.
NC: X-Men 3 or X-Men: Origins?
NC: To which one?
NC: Well, this is my review and that's the version I want! So hop to it!
(Deadpool sighs and resumes confronting Russell and the Juggernaut)
Deadpool: Russell! I'm sorry more people don't know about the Wilderpeople! But if you could just not kill Cable's family in the future, he won't have to kill you!
DB: (off-screen) Actually, that sounds reasonable.
Deadpool: Right? We should have done that before!
Russell: Hell, no! I'm gonna be the Little Sister to his Big Daddy!
Domino: That sounded bad, right?
DB: (off-screen) Very bad.
Russell: And I'm gonna kill the scientists that tortured me, starting my reign of terror! Juggernaut, maim him to death!
Deadpool: Oh, I've suffered enough from that, thank you very mu--
(He suddenly gets knocked away by a rock thrown by the Juggernaut. We cut to Deadpool and Domino, joined by Devil Boner, Freakazoid and Negasonic Teenage Warhead (Tamara), going off to confront Russell)
NC (vo): So Cable decides to join the team to see if they can talk Russell out of his evil ways.
Freakazoid: (placing his hand on Deadpool's arm) In Soviet Russia, fourth wall breaks you.
Deadpool: Knock it off, Don Cheadle's Captain Planet! (Notices Negasonic Teenage Warhead) What the hell are you doing here? You only have two lines.
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: (out of character) The girlfriend's dead and my New Zealand accent sucks. I'm taking what I can get.
Deadpool: Fair enough. Let's make up for the shitty Dark Phoenix movie we know we're gonna get!
(The five heroes act tough, and begin fighting off various bad guys)
NC (vo): X-Force kills the shit out of the scientists that tortured the young mutants, right before teaching a young mutant that it's wrong to kill the scientists.
(Russell is about to kill Barney the scientist as Deadpool and the team try to stop him, with Deadpool wearing his prison collar)
Deadpool: Russell, I know you think revenge will make you feel better, especially because I've gotten revenge on, like, a million people and, by God, it felt great.
Domino: What is the moral of this movie again?
DB: No idea.
Deadpool: But killing him won't fix anything. It'll just turn you into a supervillain. A supervillain with the name Russell. That's just uncomfortably weird!
DB: Less talking, more shooting! (Prepares to fire)
Deadpool: No! (Stands in front of Russell) I have a collar on, so I'll die for him!
DB: Oh, yeah. That's gonna happen. Yeah, kill the franchise. Yeah, sure.
(He shoots Deadpool, mortally wounding him, stunning Russell)
Russell: My God! You sacrificed yourself for me!
Deadpool: That's right. And now, I'm finally going to die, ending my misery. (DB and Domino look at each other, not sure whether to believe this) I totally am! I even said in the beginning I was gonna die. We're following through.
Domino: Yeah. If only comic book movies had loopholes.
DB: Yeah. This is really the end.
Deadpool: Hey, you want your family back or what?
DB: Oh. Um...boo-hoo! Wah-wah! Sad.
Deadpool: I'll miss you, too.
Russell: No! From this day forward, I will never harm another human being, and hope that fate will do my dirty work for me.
Scientist (Barney): Ha-ha...!
(A taxi cab crushes the scientist to death. Russell shakes his fist in satisfaction)
(In the afterlife, Wade reunites with Vanessa)
NC (vo): So Deadpool is reunited with his love, which is...kind of strange. The X-Men movies are confirming there's an afterlife?
Vanessa: Well, at least there's not a Hell.
Wade: Yeah, if there was, it would just be The Hitman's Bodyguard on a continuous loop.
(But suddenly, Wade gets dragged away really fast, and Vanessa waves him goodbye. Deadpool comes back to life in the real world)
NC (vo): But he's saved by Cable's final attempt at time travel.
DB: (holding his time travel device) Yeah, I saved you! Even though you obviously wanted to die, keeping the collar on.
Domino: So I guess you stopped a suicide?
DB: Which I guess he could just do again.
Domino: But he seems happy now.
DB: Yeah! Raising your kid that you're not really raising...
Deadpool: (stands up) Stop trying to make sense of this.
Domino: I gave up mid-sentence.
Deadpool: Now let's go start X-Force. You in, Cable?
DB: Well, I did dedicate my life to saving my family.
Deadpool: But they seem to be okay now.
DB: Eh, it's true, and...I suppose nothing bad can happen to them in an apocalyptic future. Sure, why not?
(Deadpool suddenly takes Devil Boner's time travel device and uses it to go back in time to undo certain events, including saving Vanessa from being shot)
NC (vo): So it turns out this was (in a dopey voice) a "FAMILY" picture! But Deadpool ends the film by stealing Cable's time traveling device and saving Vanessa in the past.
(After saving Vanessa by just pushing her away from the gunshot, Wade takes a gun and shoots the unseen gangster)
Gangster: (off-screen) Krakovski!
Vanessa: You saved me, stopping everything from happening, including X-Force.
Wade: Did I, though? (Looks at the camera) Did I?
NC: I don't know. Did you?
Wade: Well, we'll see what hits. We are doing an X-Force movie, so we'll see who's popular and who's worth keeping.
Wade: We're keeping our options open.
NC: Not a bad idea. So that was Deadpool 2, and it was…
(Rick suddenly stands up and lets out a loud fart)
Rick: With a helping of...
(He continues farting, much to Morty's disgust)
Morty: Christ, Rick!
(Deadpool returns and again argues with Rick)
Deadpool: You know, I’ve had it up to here, Dr. Fine!
Rick: It doesn’t matter how big you are, you’re still... (Burps) ...Family Guy in a Spider-Man costume!
Deadpool: Well, you’re still Futurama with It's Always Sunny writers!
NC: You’re both right! (Deadpool and Rick stop arguing to listen to NC) But that doesn’t make it any less good or unique.
(Various images of Deadpool 2 are shown as NC goes to his final thoughts)
NC (vo): Deadpool is doing what many have done before, but it’s doing it in a new and extreme way. There aren’t that many mediums that blend intense, dramatic moments with goofy, self-aware humor. It’s usually seen as too tonally jarring. But the fact is, the fourth wall jokes make the characters even easier to like, so we care for them even more when they’re going through the dramatic moments. And on the flipside, the jokes seem even funnier when they interrupt a legit emotional moment. So our reactions seem more magnified than usual. (An image of Simba crying over his father's dead body from The Lion King is shown) It’s like a Disney character dying. It’s a cartoon and it’s goofy, but it still appeals to our inner child, making us connect to them in a unique way. So when something bad does happen to them, we feel it even more. Even with the movie clichés that have been done a million times, they still combine with simple and familiar with what’s complex and new.
NC: For example, did you realize there’s no real villain in this movie?
NC (vo): Yeah, none of the main characters are bad guys. They’re just people with disagreements. How often do you see a superhero movie like that? Do you also realize how much money went into what’s essentially troll humor half the time? Those kind of jokes do not get a budget this big. These are familiar elements being combined to give us something unique.
NC: And, yes, every fanbase has a small percent that’s too obsessive.
Rick: Yeah, by the way, I miss the old-colored wall.
Deadpool: And how dare you fight the Angry Video Game Nerd in that totally real feud.
NC (vo): But that doesn’t mean the majority of viewers aren’t smart, open, funny people looking for both a good time with a bit of depth. The Deadpool movies are worthy of their attention, and the mixing of two totally different genres, both done well, makes them a very different and enjoyable new experience. We’ve seen these elements before, but not together in this way. And as long as they keep finding new things to add to them, my guess is, these movies will be celebrated for quite a while.
Rick: Oh, it's that same middle-of-the-road bullshit you always pull, huh?
Deadpool: Yeah, nut up and pick a side.
Rick: Yeah, that's one thing we can agree on. That guy's a PUSSY!
Deadpool: Yeah, Mr. Participation Award over here.
NC: (annoyed at the two) You know, you guys are funny in media, but you're assholes in real life!
Rick: Yeah, don't act like it doesn't get you hard. (Gestures to Deadpool) He has the... (Burps) ...spine of a red Twizzler, and he still has more backbone than you.
Deadpool: Come on. Let's go make some jokes to piss off some SJWs.
(He leaves. Rick and Morty begin leaving, too)
Morty: The Wall Street Journal?
Rick: Never mind him. He's dyslexic.
Morty: Does that mean I need insulin?
Rick: You're a mistake, Morty.
NC: (sighs and looks at the camera) I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and...just because a funny jerk on TV can get away with it doesn't mean you can get away...
(Suddenly, a portal appears next to NC and spits out a Deadpool mask, hitting NC and knocking him out)
Rick: (off-screen) Yeah, teamwork, biatch!
Deadpool: (off-screen) Yeah, dicks rule!
Morty: (off-screen) Jesus Christ!
Rick: (off-screen) Not anymore. We blinked him out of existence last week.
Morty: (off-screen) Oh, jeez!
(The credits roll. After that, Deadpool comes into a black background)
Deadpool: Hi. You might have noticed at the end of Deadpool 2, there is no after-credits sequence, wasting the time of millions of pissed off fans. So, this one's for you.
(We see Deadpool, Devil Boner, Domino, Freakazoid and Russell eating quietly shwarma at a table in a kitchen, in the same manner of the after-credits scene in The Avengers)
Domino: This isn't that good.
Deadpool: Yeah, shwarma kind of sucks.
Channel Awesome Tagline: Deadpool: Is it too late to review Show Dogs?