Dating Dos and Don'ts

Dating Dos and Don'ts
Released	March 7, 2015
Running time	12:43
Link	http://atopthefourthwall.com/linkara-riffs-dating-dos-and-donts/
Tagline	In this Patreon-sponsored video, Linkara riffs on a short less about giving advice on dating and more about hitting the reset button over and over.
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NOTE: Linkara's riffs are voiceovered.

(Open on a teenage boy picking up a letter in an envelope)

Boy: (calling offscreen) Yes, mama, I've got it.

Linkara: (as boy takes letter out) "Dear family, I'm fleeing the country..."

(In the process, a card falls out of the envelope)

Boy: (bending down to pick up card) What's that?

Linkara: We may never know.

(The boy examines the card closely, which reads "Central High Hi-Teen Carnival - Admit One Couple")

Linkara: Hi-Teen Carnival, for high kids!

Boy: (sitting down at base of stairs) Hmm... Oh, yes, the ticket he told me about.

Linkara: (as boy) The voice inside my head was right today.

Boy: Well, let's see what he has to say... (reads letter) "Here's the latest on my broken ankle..."

Linkara: "Still broken."

Boy: "Doc says I'll be all right, only I have to stay off my feet..."

Linkara: (noticing the boy smiling as he reads) He seems strangely happy about that.

Boy: "...for a week or so. Anyway, here's the ticket for the Hi-Teen Carnival. It's too late to turn it in, so you have yourself a time. And tell me all about it."

Linkara: So it's a dating short where the dating is done by mail?

Boy: (looking at ticket again) "One couple". (looks up, thinking) That means a date. Not like just going around with the crowd.

Linkara: That's the orgy carnival.

Boy: (thinking) Just me and a girl. Well, that's all right. Only... what girl?

Linkara: (as boy) Girls are extinct!

Boy: Who?

(Cut to the following message with an offscreen narrator reading it...)

Narrator: How do you choose a date?

Linkara: Dartboard.

Narrator: Whose company would you enjoy? Well, one thing you can consider is looks.

Linkara: (as narrator) As in, the looks they give you when you ask.

(Cut to a closeup of a girl with the boy at the Hi-Teen Carnival, in front of a pop-the-balloon game; the boy is playing the game)

Narrator: Woody thought of Janet, and how good-looking she was.

Linkara: Pity about the smell.

Narrator: He'd really have to rate to date somebody like her. Yes, he'd enjoy that, except... well, it's too bad Janet's always acting so superior and boring. She'd make a fellow feel awkward and inferior.

Linkara: (as Janet) I pop balloons bigger than you, kid!

(Feeling embarrassed, Woody walks off; cut to him talking to another girl)

Narrator: Well, perhaps someone who doesn't feel superior.

Linkara: Exploit their insecurities!

Narrator: There's Betty. And yet, it just doesn't seem as if she'd be much fun.

Linkara: (as narrator) Talking with women equals "not fun".

(Cut to Woody with still another girl, who is eagerly devouring cotton candy, while Woody holds some of his own up)

Narrator: What about Ann? She knows how to have a good time...

Linkara: (as narrator) But then the diabetes kicked in.

Narrator: ...and how to make the fellow with her relaxed and have fun, too. (Woody starts devouring his cotton candy, too) Yes, that's what a boy likes. He wants to know he's appreciated.

Linkara: Appreciate him, you heartless little...!

Narrator: Ann would be fun on a date.

(Cut back to Woody back at home, his fantasizing about girls ended)

Narrator: So Woody decided he asked Ann for this first date. But just how should he ask her?

Linkara: Tell her she was third choice.

Narrator: And what if she refused? No, it won't be easy asking for that first date.

(Woody suddenly hears the sound of the door opening; it's another boy, presumably Woody's brother)

Woody's brother: Well, Woody, hi.

Woody: Hi, Ed.

Ed: What'cha doin'?

Woody: Just thinking.

Ed: (walking over to a table) Don't work too hard.

Linkara: Aww, aren't these two a cute couple?

(Ed picks up the phone and dials a number, arousing Woody's attention)

Woody: Ed, is this private?

Ed: No, stick around if you like.

Linkara: (as Ed) I like it when you watch, Woody.

(Then, Woody and Ed's mother comes out into the room)

Mother: Oh, hello, Edward, I thought I heard you come in.

Ed: Oh, hi, Mom. What's for supper?

Woody: Oh, Mom, is it all right with you if I have a date Saturday night?

Linkara: (as the mother) I thought you'd never ask me to the carnival, honey!

Mother: Well, of course. You generally go out on Saturdays.

Ed: (on phone) Hello, may I speak to Mary, please?

Woody: But Mom, this is different: a date! I... Well, I haven't asked her yet, but I'd like to take Ann (?) to the Hi-Teen Carnival.

Mother: Oh, Ann's a nice girl, but... a date?

Linkara: (as mother) First, we'll need to wash away all the sin.

Mother: Well, you're rather young.

Ed: Oh, Mom, give him a break. I think he can swing it. We all have to start sometime.

Linkara: (as Ed) I swing every night, Mom.

Mother: Well... if you don't overdo on dating... Ed knows what I mean. Weekends only, and not too late. (leaves)

Linkara: (as Woody) Wednesday until three in the morning, gotcha.

Woody: Thanks, Mom.

Ed: (on the phone) Hello, Mary? I just called up to check on tonight. I think I can get by a little earlier than usual. (Woody watches)

Linkara: That's right, work it, big guy.

Ed: How's 7:30? All right, Mary. Bye now. (hangs up)

Woody: Boy, you sure make it sound easy. How do you do it?

Ed: (taking off his coat and hanging it up) Practice, my boy. Experience.

Linkara: (as Ed) And a lot of brainwashing.

Woody: But I don't think I'll know what to say, what to talk about.

Ed: Don't worry about that. (putting hands on hips) Just be your natural, talkative old self.

Linkara: (as Ed) It helps if you pose like Superman.

Ed: Come on, let's see what's for supper.

Woody: Wednesday. (calls out) Oh, Mom! Is the floor dry yet?

Mother: (calling back) Yes, you can come in.

(Ed leaves, but Woody stops)

Linkara: Finally, we learned something else about dates: don't walk on wet floors.

(Woody walks over to the phone and picks it up)

Linkara: (as Woody) Oh, how the hell am I supposed to text her with this thing?!

(Woody starts dialing a number; after a moment's hesitation, he is about to hang up, but changes his mind and puts it back to his head)

Woody: Hello, Mrs. Davis?

Linkara: (as Woody) Why is your phone number only three digits?

Woody: This is Woody. Uh, I mean, Alan Woodlum. May I speak to Ann?

(The scene is replaced by the following question, read by the narrator...)

Narrator: How do you ask for a date?

Linkara: Desperately.

(Cut back to Woody on the phone)

Narrator: What about this?

Woody: Uh, Ann? Well, uh, how about a date?

Linkara: (as Woody) Okay, I didn't think so, goodbye!

Woody: (coughing) I mean...

(Cut to Ann on the phone)

Ann: Well, really? No, thanks, Woody. (hangs up and shakes head)

Narrator: Hmm...

(Cut back to Woody on the phone)

Narrator: Well, suppose he did it this way...

Linkara: I've done two shorts about dating now, and both of them involve divergent timelines. Why is that?

Woody: Hi, Ann! What'cha doin' Saturday night?

Ann: Well, I– I guess I'm busy.

Woody: Oh, yeah? Any chance you've given him the brushoff for me?

Ann: (offended) Well, of all the nerve!

Linkara: (as Ann) I'm married!

(Ann slams the phone down; cut back to Woody on the phone)

Narrator: Well, is there another way?

Woody: Hey, Ann?

Linkara: (as Woody) LOOK, JUST GO OUT WITH ME, YOU SHRILL HARPY!

Woody: This is Woody. Well, I have a ticket for the Hi-Teen Carnival, Saturday, and... well, would you like to go?

Ann: Why, yes, Woody. I'll have to talk to my folks about it, but I think I can go.

Linkara: Dating don'ts: don't call it a date.

Ann: That'll be fun!

Woody: Yeah! Well, shall I pick you up about 8:00?

Ann: That's fine, Woody. Eight o'clock, Saturday. I think it'll be all right, but I'll let you know for sure. Bye. (hangs up) A date with Woody...

Linkara: (as Ann) Yeah, this'll end in disaster.

(Fade through black to Ann getting dressed, humming to herself as she does so and holding up a dress in front of her as stands in front of her mirror)

Linakra: Ann has given into the madness, as you can see, and thinks that this dress is Woody.

(Ann sets the dress down on the bed)

Linkara: (as Ann) Okay, now to burn it and tell Woody I can't go because of the fire.

(There is a knock on Ann's door)

Ann: Come in.

(The door opens, and a younger girl walks in)

Little girl: Hi, Ann.

Ann: Hi, Judy.

Linkara: (as Judy) Where's my money?

Judy: What are you doing?

Ann: Why, aren't you the inquisitive little sister.

Linkara: Judy, America's top investigative reporter.

Ann: I'm getting ready for my date tonight with Woody.

Judy: Oh, he's nice. A date, huh? What'll you do?

Linkara: (as Ann) I just said: Woody.

Judy: Go to some fancy place for dinner?

Ann: No, silly, we're going to the Hi-Teen Carnival, and then he'll bring me home.

Judy: Oh, that doesn't sound like much.

Ann: Well, we'd have fun at the carnival, you and I, wouldn't we?

Judy: Oh, yes.

Ann: Well, Woody and I are going to have fun, just that way.

Linkara: (as Ann) The boring way.

Ann: I think the important thing about a date is to have a good time. You don't need to spend a lot of money to do that.

Linkara: (as Ann) Just keep telling yourself that, Ann. Stupid cheapskate Woody.

Ann: You just enjoy whatever you're doing, whether it's movies or parties or anything. And you leave your boyfriend enough money so he'll ask you again.

Judy: My! You'll be out late!

Ann: Well, not particularly late. Mom and Dad and I have an agreement about what time to come in.

Linkara: (as Ann) The contract hasn't gotten back from the legal department, but still...

Ann: Look, uh, will you be a honey and get my stuff? It's in the bathroom.

Judy: Sure.

(Judy leaves as Ann sits down at her vanity mirror again)

Linkara: Pantene Pro-V.

(Cut back to Woody's house; he runs down the stairs, all dressed up, holding a coat in his arms)

Woody: Mom! Mom! Do we have any cleaning fluid?

Linkara: (as Woody) I'm so thirsty!

(Woody runs into the kitchen, where his parents are doing the dishes)

Woody: There's a spot on my coat.

Mother: Goodness, you know we have some. (gets some cleaning fluid) Here, let me–

Woody: (taking the cleaning fluid from her) No, no, I'll do it.

Father: That's it, son, look your best.

Linkara: (as father) Or just look like the Pringles guy.

Father: Your first date is mighty important.

Woody: Yeah. (sits down at table with coat and cleaning fluid) Dad, were you excited the night of your first date?

Linkara: (as father) No, because it was your mother.

Father: I sure was.

Mother: So was I. I took my date seriously. A date was a major event. Why, the night of my first date, my date had a flat tire, and he was an hour late.

Linkara: (as mother) That was back in the 1800s, mind you.

Mother: And he didn't even bother to call me. Well, when he finally came, I had to run upstairs and do my face and my hair all over again. Ooh, I was so upset.

Father: That fella had to learn a lot about girls.

Linkara: (as father) That's why he had so many porno mags.

Father: Your mother lost all interest in him... after she met me.

Woody: (getting up, taking his coat with him) And the moral of that story is...

Linkara: (as Woody) Always keep a spare tire.

Woody: ...that I should be on time tonight, right? (looks himself in a shiny pan to adjust his tie)

Father: You bet, and the same goes for Ann.

Mother: Any girl who can't be ready on time for a date isn't good enough for my boy. (seeing Woody adjusting) Well, what are you doing?

Linkara: (as Woody) Disappointing you, as always.

Mother: (laughs) Oh, go look in the mirror so you can see yourself. (Woody leaves; mother shakes her head)

Linkara: (as mother, laughing) He's your son.

(Woody walks out into the living room, walking by Ed, who walks by in the other direction)

Ed: Hi, Woody.

Woody: Oh, hi, Ed.

Ed: Good date, eh?

Woody: Yeah. (sees a vase of flowers on a table) Flowers? Ann won't expect flowers, will she?

Linkara: (as Ed) No, just money.

Ed: Huh? Oh, I hardly think so. I'm thinking of meeting Mary because it's a special occasion. 'Course, if you want to take flowers anyway, I guess there's no law against it.

Linkara: (as Woody) Okay, I'll bring some yellow jessamines.

Woody: Well, I don't have to, unless it's a ritzy affair?

Ed: (putting on his coat) Well, that's the general idea. Flowers for a prom or a very special party. Otherwise, you don't need to. (looks at watch) Say, I'll have to run.

Woody: Me, too. See you later! (runs upstairs)

Linkara: (as Ed) No, I mean, I'm going to a track meet... Oh, whatever.

Ed: (heading for the door, calling out) I'm going, folks! (opens door)

Mother: All right, Ed. Have a nice time!

Linkara: (as Ed, who closes the door behind him) Up yours, Mother!

(Fade through black to the Hi-Teen Carnival, the setting of which is full of balloons)

Linkara: These balloons aren't actually here; Pennywise just went a little overboard.

(The camera pans through the carnival, full of young couples, and zooms in on a sign reading "Games")

Linkara: Hmm, I wonder if there are any games here.

(At one game booth, the balloon pop game, Woody and Ann are seen playing. Woody takes a turn. He misses, and then Ann takes a turn, successfully popping a balloon. She turns to him with delight)

Linkara: (as Ann, to Woody) I'm better at this than you!

(Now cut to the sideshow, where the fortune teller is)

Linkara: (barker voice) Come and look at the dating freaks! Learn how your relationship will end in misery!

(A couple walk up to the fortune teller, who looks into her crystal ball briefly)

Linkara: (as fortune teller) One sec, the app is still updating.

(Then Woody and Ann come up in front of the fortune teller)

Linkara: (as Woody) Hi, we're cutting in line!

(Next, cut to the refreshments area, where Woody is eating a hot dog)

Linkara: (as Woody) Om-nom-nom-nom-nom!

(Then they walk up to another refreshment table and each take a plate with a hot dog and drink on it)

Linkara: (as Ann) Look, please give me some booze here; this date is killing me!

(One couple finishes their meal and gets up and leaves as Woody and Ann come by to take their place)

Linkara: (as Woody, to Ann) Sit in my lap, sweet cheeks. (as Ann, who sits down) Oh, boy, grape jelly and mustard!

(They start to eat, then we cut back to the entrance of the games area, with the games sign)

Linkara: But do they have games? I need to know!

(The screen suddenly darkens as people leave the area)

Narrator: But when you're having so much fun, time goes all too fast.

Linkara: (as narrator) Or when the light bulb burns out.

(Later, Woody brings Ann back to her home)

Narrator: Well, it's the time Ann had set for getting home. And now, good night.

Linkara: (as narrator) I'm leaving now for a better short.

Narrator: The end of a perfect evening. But...

(Cut to the following message with an offscreen narrator reading it...)

Narrator: How do you say goodnight?

Linkara: Is this gonna be on the test?

Narrator: Perhaps...

(Suddenly, Woody lunges forward and grabs Ann in his arms to embrace her)

Ann: (offended) Don't! Please!

(Disgusted, she goes inside)

Linkara: Geez, darkest timeline!

Woody: But Ann...!

(The door slams shut in his face)

Linkara: (as Woody) I was just being horrible! What's the big deal? (Woody turns away in disappointment and runs his hand through his hair) Yeah, I think it's pretty certain that I've got a second date.

(The scene then fades through black to earlier as Woody and Ann walk up to her door)

Narrator: Or it could go this way...

Linkara: (as narrator) This time, she'll knee him in the crotch when he tries that.

Woody: Well, so long.

(He turns to leave as Ann looks on in awkward confusion)

Linkara: (as Ann) Wow, look at him wet himself as he goes!

Narrator: Just like that. After all, a girl likes to know you've had a good time.

Linkara: (as narrator) Try jamming your tongue down her throat again.

(Ann goes inside as the scene cuts to earlier yet again)

Narrator: Let's try saying good night again.

Linkara: (as narrator) Welcome to the time loop. There is no beginning, no end, just good night.

Woody: Well, it's getting late.

Ann: Yes, it is. I'd ask you in for a bite to eat if it weren't so late. Um, let's plan to get home in time for a sandwich or something next time.

Woody: Say, that sounds good.

Linkara: Smooth...

Woody: I'll call you next week.

Ann: Will you? Well, thanks so much. I had loads of fun.

Woody: So did I.

Linkara: (as Ann's father) You kids shut up! We're trying to sleep in here!

Ann: Good night, Woody.

Woody: Good night, Ann.

(Ann goes into her house and Woody exhales excitedly)

Linkara: (as Woody) Only popped two boners the whole time. Damn, I'm good.

(Woody then turns and leaves, whistling as he does so. The music he's whistling rises to full volume as the screen fades out for good and the film ends on a shot of a crown and the words "The End – Coronet Instructional Films")

Linakra: Wait, that's it? So the dating dos and don'ts are: pick someone pretty, but not boring or emasculating; don't you dare them it's a date; and it's probably a bad idea to assault her. Implied messages: fortune tellers are great, your brother has a better sex life than you, and never, ever, ever make physical contact with your date. Good advice.