(The Disneycember logo is shown, before showing clips from Dark Phoenix)
Doug (vo; mimics an annoyed fan): "What happened to you, X-Men? You used to be cool!" (Speaks normally) Dark Phoenix is the 10th and most likely last X-Men movie we're gonna see in a while. Not only was the movie a critical and audience disappointment, but it bombed something fierce at the box office. People joked since Disney just bought Fox around that time, they kind of weren't pushing it that hard because, eh, we'll just work them into the MCU, and...yeah. It feels like a good idea by now. But okay, to the film's credit, everybody was saying this was the worst X-Men movie, by far, ever made, and I don't think it's that bad. Still bad, but... (The poster for the X-Men film about to be mentioned is briefly shown) ...X-Men Origins, man. Come on.
Story[edit | edit source]
Doug (vo): The film centers around the X-Men, I think, in the 90s now, but don't get excited. It's not the 90s X-Men. I don't even know how all these characters apparently have gone through no growth spurt over the span of 20-30 years. Regardless, the X-Men are kind of like Adam West's Batman now. There's, like, a phone that the president uses whenever there's an emergency, they have their own plane they can use that now can go into space...I mean, okay, give them this. It really is kind of like a comic book movie. One of the big complaints of the early X-Men films is that they played it too safe, and this one's definitely going all-out. But on one of their missions, saving some astronauts, the strange fiery entity goes into one of them. Can you imagine...yeah, it's Jean. It's always Jean, because, yeah, this'll be the one that gets Phoenix right, even though, wasn't there a firebird in the last one, but this is somehow creating the firebird now? What? I don't know, but when they get back, Jean is not exactly the same. Oh, no. Arguably the most boring character in all the movies is not the same, but don't worry. Boring Cyclops is there to help her out. Formerly non-boring Mystique, but now boring because Jennifer Lawrence clearly wanted out of this role, tries talking to Jean because they're now suddenly best friends. But Jean can't control her powers or her mental stability, and she starts going nuts. She tries to find Magneto, because...I guess he's a powerful mutant who's also nuts, to try and search for a safe haven, but, of course, things keep going wrong, and humans and mutants get in fights again, and I think even Magneto starts pointing out all the tired clichés in these movies. "There's always a speech and nobody cares." But on top of that, this alien race is also looking for Jean...well, okay, at least we got aliens this time...who I guess is supposed to be White Queen...I think. I don't care enough to look it up. And naturally, the alien force that possessed Jean is called the Phoenix, she's having trouble controlling it, and all sorts of destruction occurs because of it. Battles are fought, characters are killed, and I could really care less.
Review[edit | edit source]
Doug (vo): While I liked X-Men: First Class, I felt the characters that were the most interesting were Xavier, Mystique, and Magneto...and actually Beast, too. He was pretty good. As the films continued, though, they either killed off a lot of the X-Men that were, I guess, gonna be big players, but then focused on the old X-Men again, with Hugh Jackman and Patrick Stewart and so forth. But then they're trying to build this group again, with Nightcrawler and Quicksilver's a main character now, and, oh, yeah, yes, he's taken out, too. In all these movies, I never got why they felt they had to do Dark Phoenix. Not even Phoenix, they always had to jump right to Dark Phoenix. I guess 'cause they feel it's a big story, it's aliens and fire, and it's classic imagery, and you can be really symbolic with someone dying and coming back to life, and, oh, beautiful, but...you never get Jean right in any of these movies!
(Footage focusing on Jean Grey is shown)
Doug (vo): I'll just say it, too: Jean is not that interesting a character. She's the level-headed one that all the cool characters talk to when they're feeling bummed out. And that's good, you need that, but that's something that's established overtime. The other movies didn't set her up in enough time, and these movies don't set her up in enough time. The idea is, we're supposed to be shocked when someone that's so kind goes and kills all these people. But I don't know shit about this Jean, so why should I care? Same thing with Nightcrawler and Storm. Yeah, we saw them a bit in the previous film, but if you were to ask me what are they like in these movies, I don't know. They're just kind of there and do their things with their powers. I'm surprised Psylocke didn't come back. Remember she gives this evil look at the end of the last one? Okay, that's not a thing. Like, the firebird's not a thing. These make no sense!
(Clips focusing on some of the film's action scenes, the characters of Xavier and Magneto, and a shot of the X-Men flying on their plane, are shown)
Doug (vo): But, okay. For as empty as this movie is, I don't think it's godawful. There's still some really neat scenes, there's still some really cool shots, and, yeah, when they focus on the mutants I think are cool, like Xavier and Magneto, they still do the job pretty well. They still look badass, and, yeah, I'm not gonna lie, there was something cool about seeing them get on the X-uniforms and their bright yellow and they're getting in this ship that can just go into space, and it's like, yeah, that's kind of what I liked about X-Men. They could just do crazy shit like this sometimes. It's like it was a comic book, and, yeah, that was a little neat to see.
Final thought[edit | edit source]
Doug (vo): But by the time you get to the end, you just don't care. It's like watching the end of Justice League, you can tell that they're trying to set it up like, "Ooh! Wasn't that a massive thing you just saw?" And you kind of shrug, "Not really. I'm probably gonna forget about it after I get some fast food on the drive home." Yeah, it's not a good movie, but I don't think it's embarrassingly bad. I feel like a lot of other X-Men movies have done things that were just, like, shameful or putting your fist in your mouth. "Oh, how could they do that?!" This is so tired and not interesting, it couldn't even generate that much anger. And again, there were one or two good moments that was like, "All right, that was kind of neat." But they don't add up to much. Dark Phoenix isn't the worst, it's just bad. A bad note to end the X-Men movies on, but maybe a good note to start a resurgence.
(A scene showing Xavier rolling into Cerebro is shown)