March 17, 2015
Note: This episode was released just 1 month before Marvel's First Netflix TV series of the same name was released.
(We do the usual opening for the Nostalgia Critic before coming to him at his desk.)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. With Ben Affleck now being chosen as the new Dark Knight, you have to wonder if anyone ever gave any consideration to having Ben Affleck play a superhero in the past--It's Daredevil, isn't it?!
(The title screen for the movie is shown. NC holds his face in his hands!)
NC: No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! You don't understand! This isn't just a bad comic book movie, this is a bad comic book movie from the early 2000s!
(Clips from Avengers: Age of Ultron are shown)
NC (vo): You know how comic films are huge now, and smart and funny and clever? (Clips of Daredevil) Well, back in the day, comic books were still kind of seen as kids stuff, and films like these (posters of Batman & Robin and Steel are shown) certainly didn't help its case. So comic book movies back then had to try even harder to be taken seriously, which surprisingly backfired in how repetitive they became. Every movie had to be dark and gritty and painful, which isn't bad once in a while, (posters for Blade, Hulk, The Punisher, Spawn and Constantine are shown) but when every single fucking one of them starts to look like that, they start to come across as mopey, complainy, and downright not fun. Don't get me wrong, (poster for X-Men is shown) some films did it okay, but ones like Daredevil?
NC: Ugh! Let's just say it's something I'm really not looking forward to reviewing alone.
Voice: You won't need to, Critic!
(We cut to a stranger on a rooftop at night in a costume, and played by Orlando Belisle, Jr.)
Stranger: I will help you!
NC: Who are you?
Stranger: I am a superhero from the early 2000s simply known as...The Angst! (A lightning bolt cracks behind him)
NC: Well, that's great. I could use some help reviewing this. Here, why don't you come sit next to me?
Angst: Thank you, but I must stay here. I have so many brooding poses on top of rooftops to show.
Angst: But we'll get through this together, or my name isn't The Angst!
NC: (sighs) All right, prepare for early 2000s super cheese with Daredevil.
Angst: It makes me want to hang my head in contemplation.
(As he turns to look down, the lightning crash shows posters for Batman Begins and Superman Returns. The movie starts, showing the Virgin Mary stain glass window and Daredevil hanging on the top of a church on a cross)
NC (vo): As the credits roll, blood drips down a stained glass window of the Virgin Mary while our hero hangs in pain off the cross at the top of a church. Yep, it's that kind of movie, kids.
NC: Why don't you just throw in God...
NC (vo): ...weeping in the corner saying "What poetic despair has life become?" (A picture of a statue covering its face is shown)
(We get a clip of Daredevil falling into the church)
NC (vo): We then flashback to the good old days of the bad old days when we see Affleck, playing Matt Murdock, growing up in a part of town called Hell's Kitchen.
NC: Yeah, you know it's coming, so here it is. (He pulls up a clip of Gordon Ramsay from the TV Show, Hell's Kitchen)
Gordon Ramsay: This is fucking painful!
NC: Back to the review.
NC (vo): When he was a young boy, he was always beat up by the kid from-- (We see Matt being beaten by a group of bullies) Aw, shit, there's a Sopranos joke, too?
NC: Crap, where's that joke filed under? Um? (He pulls up OF COURSE!) No. (He then pulls up I WAS FROZEN--) No, um... So...that's why you were interrogated in Law & Order? (Clip from an episode of Law & Order is shown involving said actor. The crowd then boos at NC) What do you want?! They sprung it on me!
NC (vo): He's upset because his dad used to go nine rounds with Heavyweight Louis, now he goes nine rounds with Heavyweight Heineken.
Jack Murdock: You don't hit nothing but books, you get me?
NC (vo): But when he discovers his dad was working for a crime boss, he stumbles onto some hazardous chemicals that make him blind. (The chemicals hit Matt in the eyes, blinding him) You know, why is it anything that can give you superpowers is not better protected? You can write "biohazard" all you want on it, but when kids are allowed in the area and it's fucking everywhere like goddamn Candy Crush, you might wanna rethink security a little bit!
(Jack comforts a now-blind Matt at the hospital)
Jack: I'm sorry, Matty.
NC (vo): His dad gives up his life of crime, but he shouldn't feel too sorry as the chemicals heighten Murdock's other senses, allowing him to see the world like every special feature in a PS3 game.
(Matt is confronted by the bullies again)
Bully: Hey, Murdock! Round 2!
NC (vo; as bullies): Yeah, that's right. We're such one-dimensional bullies, we're actually gonna beat up a blind kid. We kind of have no souls.
NC: Next, we're gonna teach tap dancing to people in wheelchairs...also while beating them up! (Pictures of a kid tap dancing for wheelchair bound people are shown, followed by a picture of a kid raising his fist to another are shown) It's a thug thing, you wouldn't understand.
(Matt uses his new senses to smack the lead bully with his cane with every movement he makes)
NC: (as the bully) Oh, no, he has a cane! (beat) All I can do is just stand here and take it, I guess!
NC (vo): He's even become so good that he can even tell when his father is losing a fight.
(Jack is knocked down to the mat in his match)
Matt: Come on, Dad! Come on, Dad, get up!
NC: So wait a minute, his powers are so good, he can hear punches over a screaming crowd and he can take on bullies all by himself?
Angst: Oh, yes. Superpowers can do that. I'm actually completely deaf.
NC: You are?
Angst: Yes. Chemical liquid goo made me lose all of my hearing, but it also gave me super listening powers as well.
NC: So, there's totally no point to you being deaf, then.
NC: If one thing was taken away from you but then given back in a different way, there's totally no point in losing it.
Angst: Of course there is. It gives me an edge!
NC: No, it doesn't. If anything, you can sense things better than you could before!
(We are shown footage of Matt doing various achievements while blind)
NC (vo): Look at our hero. He doesn't even need the stick! Not only is he a better fighter than most, but he's pointing out when to cross the street better than mandatory cameos can. (One of the clips is of Matt making sure Stan Lee didn't walk into a busy street)
NC: So the disability is totally pointless. In fact, it's almost like you don't even have the disability!
Angst: Well...I also broke my arm.
NC: Did you get it fixed?
NC: Then it doesn't matter! It doesn't impact anything with your character!
(Angst stands there looking embarrassed before...)
Angst: I am The Angst!
NC: Does a gush of wind ever just push you off a building?
Angst: Not yet. (Just as he said that, a gush of wind tries to push him off a building) Whoa-ho! Whoa-ho! Almost got me there. He-he, whoo, ha-ha. Angst!
(We see Matt's father being killed by bad guys)
NC (vo): So because his father doesn't throw the fight, he's killed by a bunch of thugs with the final punch being given by a villain called the Kingpin, who leaves a rose with all his victims because...it'll leave no trace that way?
(Matt clutches onto the rose over his father's body)
NC (vo; as Jack): Bruce...I mean, Peter...I mean, Simba...I mean...oh, you know what to do with this.
(The camera then zooms through the city before stopping right at the stained glass window image of the Virgin Mary)
NC (vo; as Virgin Mary): Um, hi, audience. Uh, the director has decided to hold on me for a bit. So, um... it's the Virgin Mary Show! (A sock puppet and another puppet appear on screen as a made-up theme song is sung) Hey, what are you doing today? Oh, I'm gonna learn all about-- (The Virgin Mary now fades to an adult Matt Murdock) Oh, thank God! (The puppets leave the screen) That was getting really awkward!
(Matt is coming out of his sensory deprivation chamber bed)
NC (vo; as a vampire): Blah, I am Count Affleckula. I have come to suck...and that's it. (Normal) So, rather than, oh, I don't know, hand himself over to science to help other blind people sense what he does, he decides to become a lawyer because...let's face it, saying the "Justice is blind" phrase is just too tempting not to use.
Matt: Justice is blind.
(We see Murdock at a courtroom currently overseeing a case involving a rapist named Jose Quesada)
José Quesada: I stopped off at Josie's Bar after work, had a few drinks. (Photos of his victim are shown) She asked me if I wanted to stick around for some fun.
(Matt uses his superhearing to hear Quesada's heart beating faster, sensing he's lying)
NC (vo): Uh, yeah, listen to his heartbeat to see if he's lying. Not the so obviously lying tone he's so obviously lying with.
Quesada: Miss Sutton certainly enjoyed every minute of it.
(Cut to Quesada getting into his car after being let off)
Matt: It's not right. Another rapist back on the streets.
NC (vo): This, of course, forces him to take justice in his own hands. (Cut to a clip of Daredevil twirling his baton around like nunchucks) That was totally necessary.
(At a bar, Daredevil makes his entrance as Quesada and other thugs notice him)
Thug: Look at that. Is that guy for real?
Quesada: Yeah, he's for real. What do you want?
NC: Okay, I'll give you three guesses what he's going to answer that with. 1. Directions back to the Gay Pride Parade. 2. A Cosmopolitan, maybe with just a little bit more cranberry juice than usual. Or 3. JUSTICE!
(Daredevil then proceeds to beat down every thug effortlessly in the bar)
NC (vo): Just assume a superhero's answer for anything is "justice". How are you? "Justice." What are you eating? "Justice." How do I get to your house? "Oh, just take a right off Michigan Avenue off the corner of Wabash and Justice!" (Quesada is knocked out by Daredevil onto the train tracks) He tracks him down to a subway where he finally gets the JUSTICE! he deserves.
Daredevil: That light at the end of the tunnel? That's not Heaven. That's the C-Train!
NC (vo): That's right. Daredevil's going to kill you because Matt Murdock is a terrible lawyer! Enjoy my compensation for my terrible occupational choices! (The top half of Quesada is carried out on a stretcher, followed by the bottom half on another) Determined to get his half of the story... (A rimshot is heard) Joe Pantoliano comes in, playing Robert Wuhl, minus the humor... (Clip of Alexander Knox from Batman)
NC: Before he became Robert Wuhl, minus the humor. (Poster of Arli$$ is shown)
NC (vo): ...as he suspects the urban legend Daredevil might be behind this.
Ben Urich: Are you here to confirm that Daredevil is responsible for this, Detective?
Det. Nick Manolis: There is no proof that your so-called Daredevil was involved, nor that he even exists. Got it?
NC: Now let me bask in how weasly and stuck-up I am as I know for a fact that I will in no way be contradicted at all--(Urich throws his cigarette on the ground, lighting up a pair of initials that spell DD) WHAAAAAA!?
Urich: Got it.
NC (vo): You know, that's not exactly the most obvious or safest calling card. Say they didn't see that gasoline on the floor, like most people wouldn't. What if another subway rider was just waiting for a train while smoking?
(Cut to a skit, showing Tamara Chambers smoking a (fake) cigarette before tossing it down and making flames shoot up, scaring her)
Tamara: Who the hell is DD?
(Back to the movie. Matt's come back from being Daredevil and is listening to his messages)
Woman: Matt, are you there? Of course you're not there. You're never there. Every time we sleep together, I wake up in the morning alone. I thought that if I waited, if I was patient enough, you'd let me in.
NC (vo; as Matt): Ugh, fucking J-Lo. Will she ever get the message? (Normal) After chewing his pills because that's what hardcore people do, he goes to confession as the priest is apparently the only one who knows his secret.
Matt: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
NC (vo; as Matt): For I am making Daredevil. (as Priest) Your penance is ten years obscurity. Do one Argo, one Gone Girl, and maybe one day, you will be Batman.
(We see Matt meeting up with his friend, Foggy Nelson, who's reading the news)
Franklin "Foggy" Nelson: "Eyewitnesses say that Quesada was singled out by the demonic vigilante..."
Foggy: Mr. Lee, he made his first payment. He paid in fluke. (Matt then catches a scent in the air) What, what? Where, where, where?
Matt: Front door. Not yet. Soon.
(Elektra Natchios is shown walking into the restaurant)
NC (vo): Ah, yes, those chemicals also gave him super sniffing-through-glass-able-to-detect-attractiveness-and-not-just-a-really-nice-perfume powers, too.
NC: It's a...strange cross to bear.
NC (vo): This, of course, is Jennifer Garner, who doesn't seem to grasp that love is blind.
NC: Hey, you know if the film thought of that joke, it would've said it.
Matt: I didn't get your name.
Elektra Natchios: I didn't give it. (Leaves)
Foggy: Hey, some people have no compassion for the handicapped.
NC (vo): No, she left because he was Ben Affleck. Though, I guess in some respects, that's kind of a handicap.
(Matt follows Elektra to a park)
Elektra: What do you want?
Matt: I just wanted to get your name.
NC (vo): He follows her outside to get her name, but...oh, I can't even explain it, just watch.
Matt: (grabbing Elektra's hand) Wait a second. (Elektra tries to twist him off, but he spins around to meet her) Why don't you tell me what you do like and start there?
(The two of them then fight each other, with Matt casually deflecting Elektra's blows)
NC: (laughs) Okay, so...where do I begin with this?
NC (vo): First of all, I think she's making it pretty clear she's not interested in your stalker ass. If she wanted, she could call the cops on you for being a creeper and grabbing her. But, nah, it makes much more sense to fight him, which leads to the second and most obvious problem: she's fighting a blind guy! She doesn't know he has super senses and neither does anyone else, so, really, what is there to gain? If you lose, you got beaten by a blind guy. Pretty pathetic. But if you win, congrats, you beat the shit out of a fucking blind guy! How does anyone come out looking good in this scenario?
(Elektra stops her foot just shy of Matt's throat)
Elektra: My name's Elektra Natchios.
NC: No, really, wh-what's your name? That so obviously can't be it.
Elektra: My name's Elektra Natchios.
NC: Yes, you should meet my other parents with obvious real names: Anastasia Steele and Harvey Manfredjensenden.
NC (vo): So Murdock and Electric Nachos seem to hit it off as they go strolling together.
Matt: Where'd you learn how to fight like that?
Elektra: My father, he had me study with a different sensei every year since I was five years old.
Matt: Sounds like he wanted to turn you into some kind of a warrior.
Elektra: No. Just not a victim.
NC (vo; as Elektra): Which is clearly all I am if I don't learn how to kick ass. He's very equal that way.
Matt: Watch your step.
Elektra: Oh, thank you. I didn't even... Wait. How'd you do that?
NC (vo): Oh, NOW you're asking how the fuck he sees stuff?
NC: Because that shit back there? Pfft, I've seen Ray Charles do that on fucking Pepsi commercials.
(Ray Charles' head is added onto someone doing a karate kick next to a Pepsi logo. Before the next scene, the words "Know any virgins?" pop up underneath. We cut to one of the film's villains, the Kingpin, walking around with his co-workers)
Wilson Fisk, the Kingpin: I want you to create a paper trail, one that can be traced to Natchios. Get me Bullseye.
NC (vo): We're then introduced to our villains of the film: Michael Clarke Duncan as the Kingpin, and Colin Farrell as Bullseye. And I swear, these guys are having the time of their life whenever the camera is on them. It's like they know the movie is totally fucking ridiculous, so they're just gonna have fun with it. (Imitates a redneck) They're like honey badger, they don't give a shit.
(Bullseye is on a plane, sitting next to an old woman)
Old woman: But he did very well for himself on the Internet, but don't ask me how. So I said--
(Bullseye ricochets a peanut off the seat and into the woman's mouth, making her choke to death. He takes an earbud out long enough to hear her death rattle)
NC (vo; laughs): Oh, my God! I swear, if Nicolas Cage was a drug, he'd smoke two bags worth.
(A flight attendant approaches them)
Flight attendant: Aww, she's sleeping! Can I get you anything before we land?
Bullseye: More peanuts, please.
NC: We hope you enjoyed this...charming choking-the-old-lady scene. Stay tuned for more uncomfortable dives into the director's psyche.
NC (vo): So Daredevil hunts down another criminal preying on the weak, when he comes across an onlooker.
(The onlooker is a little kid, who is really scared of Daredevil)
Kid: Please don't hurt me!
Daredevil: I'm not the bad guy, kid.
NC (vo; as Daredevil): Why is it just because I dress like the devil, everyone assumes I'm the bad guy?
(Daredevil is standing on a rooftop in the rain)
Daredevil: I'm not the bad guy. I'm not.
(The movie fades to black, ending that scene. NC is confused)
NC: The hell was that about?
Angst: Yes, every early 2000s superhero (pictures of Batman Begins, Spider-Man 2, Blade, Hulk and Man of Steel are shown) has a moment where he has to stare into the distance to think.
NC: Yeah, but those other superheroes usually have something to think about.
NC (vo): He scared a kid because he was beating up a bad guy.
NC: How does that make him question himself?
(Suddenly, a woman carrying sais appears from behind The Angst, and played by Tamara Chambers)
Girl: We don't need a reason. We just need to brood.
NC: Ah, Jesus, who are you?
Girl: I am...(she stabs her sais around randomly in the air trying to be all badass) Angstine!
Angst: My God! Where did you learn karate?
Angstine: My father didn't want me to be a victim.
Angst: I'm amazed!
NC: Uh, you do know women learn martial arts all the time, right?
Angstine: Impossible! Clearly, there must be some strange reason why!
NC: No, a lot of women, just like men, take it up just because they wanna take it up.
Angst: That's crazy! There's got to be a reason why! Like her father was trying to protect her, or her father was secretly a spy, or her father always wanted a son!
NC: Or...maybe her mother played a part somehow.
(Both Angst and Angstine laugh at that ridiculous idea!)
Angst: That's a good one!
Angstine: Yeah, in between picking flowers or not being dead! These (the sais) aren't real.
NC: I'm just saying, a woman learning martial arts isn't as "rare" as you think it is.
Angst: Well, how else can we pretend she's unique when she's clearly not?
NC: I don't know. I just need a break from these early 2000s cliches.
Angst: Very well. Angstine, we draw closer to the third act. You know what that means.
Angstine: Sexy cry?
Angst: Sexy cry.
(The two then pose back to back with each other, a single tear running down their cheeks)
Angst: I'm so tortured.
Angstine: Don't ever be heroes, kids.
(And we go to commercial. When we come back from commercial, we see Matt and Elektra on a rooftop)
NC (vo): So Murdock brings Electric Tacos to the roof because he knows it's going to rain, and that'll allow him to see her face better.
(Matt's super senses allow him to see Elektra's face through the rain)
Matt: You are so beautiful.
(Matt and Elektra share a passionate kiss together)
NC (vo; as Matt): Wow, I'm sure this is the first time a superhero who wears all red is kissing his girlfriend in the rain, but we'll be remembered better for it.
(Matt's hearing allows him to hear the chaos going on in the streets below him and Elektra)
NC (vo): But hero duties seem to be calling.
Elektra: What? Matt, what's wrong?
NC (vo; as Matt): Oh, it should've been about just us, and now it's about just-us (Pun on Justice).
Matt: I have to go.
(As he turns to leave, Elektra takes his hand)
Elektra: Stay with me.
NC (vo): Yeah, don't worry about it. I'm sure it was nobody important who was getting hijacked--oh! (It turns out to have been Uncle Ben in Spider-Man 1)
Peter Parker: Uncle Ben?
NC (vo): I'm...sure things will turn out fine. Anyway--aaah!
(The scene transitions to a rapid spin around a building)
Foggy: That's what I'm talking 'bout.
NC (vo): Oh, yeah, quick side note. Early 2000s editing seemed to really liked the style that somebody's buttcheeks sat on the fast forward button and then got up just before the scene starts. This is one of the few additions I actually miss from early 2000s films because, as you can tell, it gets the movie over faster.
(At a party, Matt and Foggy meet Fisk for the first time)
Fisk: I know who you are. You're the blind lawyers from Hell's Kitchen.
NC (vo): So he finally meets the Kingpin, who wants to bring Murdock into his business.
Matt: We can't represent you.
Fisk: Why's that?
Foggy: Hehe. Yes, why is that, Mr. Murdock?
Matt: Because we only handle clients who are innocent.
NC (vo; clears his throat loudly in disbelief): Okay, a blind man jumping around in tights stopping crimes who can see better than most people, I can take. But a lawyer who only takes innocent clients? I'm sorry, you totally clipped the suspension cord of disbelief!
(Matt has found Elektra in the crowd by smelling her perfume)
Matt: Now I found you.
NC (vo; as Matt): I really wanna see you again. What do you say we pull the fire alarm and set the sprinklers off? (normal) But the Kingpin puts out a hit on her father, and, of course, Bullseye is the one to pull it off.
(Bullseye stands up on his motorcycle in the middle of a busy street to throw ninja stars at the limo driver and security guard)
NC (vo): How the hell many assassins stand out as much as this guy does? I mean, for God's sakes, the artist's rendering must be pretty easy to sketch! (A picture of the comic version of Bullseye appears in the corner)
(Bullseye tosses Daredevil's cane at Nikolas Natchios, Elektra's father, killing him)
Bullseye: Bullseye! Eh? (He points to the target on his head before leaving with a twirl of his coat)
NC: (laughs) Can I adopt you?
NC (vo; as Bullseye): It's on my head. Thought I'd point that out. I'm Irish! (normal) So Electronic Honchos thinks, of course, Daredevil killed her father and vows revenge. Meanwhile, we all giggle as one of the world's biggest comic book geeks (Kevin Smith) cameos in one of the world's worst comic book movies, as the reporter realizes that the cane used as a weapon is also the cane Murdock walks with...which is pretty fucking stupid when you really think about it. Why the flying hell would you walk around with that?
NC: Isn't that like Bruce Wayne driving into work with the Batmobile? (A picture of the Batmobile outside of a gate is shown.) Somebody's gonna put two and two together!
(Fisk meets up with Bullseye at his building)
Fisk: You know, you've exceeded all my expectations.
NC (vo): Meanwhile, the Kingpin and Bullseye meet to figure out what to do about Daredevil.
Bullseye: He...made me...miss!
Fisk: Too much pride can kill a man.
(Bullseye throws the pencil he was twirling around into an olive Fisk had on a fork)
NC (vo; as Fisk): Well, that's just ridiculous.
(Fisk takes a whiff of a rose before tossing it to Bullseye, who reacts with disgust)
Fisk: Give Elektra all my best.
NC (vo; laughs): He's so evil, even roses smell bad to him!
NC: What does he have for dinner? Corned beef and Cabbage Patch Kids heads? (A plate of corned beef and cabbage is shown, with a Cabbage Patch Kid head instead)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, Natchios Libre prepares for her revenge by taking on the most dangerous obstacles she can think of: sandbags!
(Elektra's training montage involves stabbing or slicing each sandbag that drops down)
NC (vo): Who the hell's even dropping those? Is there just a really confused servant who's not sure why she's attacking the flooding equipment in their chandelier room?
(One of the sandbags is painted with a devil's face, which she then stabs by throwing a sai at it)
NC (vo; as Butler): Madam, why do you want me to paint a cartoon devil on this one? (as Elektra) Because he's the one that killed my father. (as Butler) Of course he is. Would you like to tour some of the local rubber rooms in the area by any chance? (normal) So, Electron attacks Daredevil outside the one weirdo who dries his laundry at night for some reason.
(Elektra swings her sais wildly at Daredevil)
Daredevil: It wasn't me! I didn't kill your father!
NC (vo; snickers): Nice read on that line, Garner.
Daredevil: I didn't kill your father!
NC (vo): Yeah, you could really cause people to crack with how convicted and not silly that sounds.
NC: Yeah, I was just up all night watching Game of Thrones.
NC: Okay, Walking Dead.
NC: All right, Bates Motel.
NC: All right, Parks and Recreation!
NC: All right, I was watching Downton Abbey! I just have to know what Maggie Smith thinks of turn of the century social no-o-o-orms!
NC: Oh, shut up!
NC (vo): She beats the shit out of him, but then realizes the mistake she's made.
Matt: I was trying to protect you.
(Elektra is in tears, having nearly killed Matt. Suddenly, a sharp whistle cuts the air)
NC (vo; as Elektra): Wait, why do I smell Guinness, stale cigarettes and Lucky Charms?
(Bullseye is climbing up a ladder to the roof they're on, snarling at a rat to make it run off)
NC (vo): Oh, yeah, he sneers at rats, too. This guy could be a song lyric for the Grinch.
Matt: I don't wanna lose you again.
Elektra: I'll find you.
NC (vo; as Elektra): I should get you medical attention, but...eh, revenge is more important. Which reminds me, avenge me if I don't come back.
Bullseye: Come on!
(Elektra throws a sai at Bullseye who effortlessly catches it, then throws it back at her. She reaches out to catch it, but it goes through her hand instead)
NC (vo; as Elektra): Well, I can do that, too--Oh, wait, I forgot. I suck.
(As much as she tries to fight back, Elektra gets her ass handed to her by Bullseye)
NC (vo; as Elektra): You wouldn't be so hot if you were a sandbag!
(Bullseye closes in on Elektra who weakly tries to get him away)
NC (vo; as Bullseye): Does this annoy you? Does this annoy you? I'm not touching you.
(Bullseye stabs Elektra with her sai as Matt screams out NOOOO!)
NC (vo; as Elekta): I don't get it! I did so good at fighting a blind guy and--Oh, now I'm putting the pieces together!
(Meanwhile, the SWAT team are closing in on Daredevil. Daredevil and Elektra are shown both wounded and hurt)
NC (vo; as Daredevil): We really suck. (as Elektra) Yeah, yeah, we do. (Normal) So she gets axed off as the police try to track him down, leading us to where we started.
(Suddenly, an Irish-accented voice speaks up)
Voice: Speaking of getting started, (Suddenly, Doug comes into the scene looking like Bullseye) that's what I plan to do!
Angst: By God, an eccentric, big-eyed villain!
Angstine: Classic trademark of the early 2000s! Who are you?
Villain: Name's Target! Hahahaha!
NC: Let me guess, because you always hit your target?
(Target takes his hat off, revealing the Target market logo on his head)
Target: No, I just really like clearance prices! Haha!
Angst: Yikes. You know what we need to do!
NC: You're both going to defeat him?
Angst: Nope. I'm going to defeat him while she either gets captured or killed.
Angstine: It's an early 2000s thing. We make me look all tough, but in the end, I gotta be saved or mourned.
NC: Or you could work together--
Angstine: No, this works.
Target: Right, lass, you're good at catching things. Well, catch this! (he points his gun at the heroes)
Angstine: Don't worry, I'll stop it with my head.
NC: Uh, I don't think that's a good idea-- (He warned her. Angstine gets a bullet to the head and drops dead) Well, that...wow.
Angst: Great! Now I know even more what to do!
NC: Finally fight?
Angst: No! Mourn in agony while he mugs for the camera.
(Angst lets out a big NOOOOOO! while Target is dancing around practically eating the scenery!)
NC: Okay, you do what you feel you're compelled to do while I get back to the review. (The scene continues on with Angst mourning his fallen partner while Target continues mugging for the camera) Wow.
NC (vo): Bullseye tracks Daredevil down to the church, and they partake in Toccata and Fuck You.
(Bullseye tosses a collection plate at Daredevil, hitting him in the throat)
NC (vo; as Daredevil): Wow, I dodged bullets and Siamese stars and yet somehow I miss that? The only thing consistent about my powers is how inconsistent they are!
Bullseye: The man with no fear. Looks like I found something you're afraid of. Let's bring on the pain.
NC (vo; as Bullseye): Ah, Begorrah and potatoes.
(A sniper bullet shoots at Daredevil, who senses the bullet and pulls Bullseye's hands into the path)
NC (vo): But he gives him a touch of stigmata because...I don't know, are we doing Jesus symbolism in comic book movies yet? And he wishes him a nice fall.
(Bullseye is tossed through the stained glass window and lands face first onto Ben Urich's front windshield, though it doesn't kill him)
NC: Hmm. I also would have accepted, (as Daredevil) Knock-knock? (Urich) Who's there? (Daredevil) Justice!
(Daredevil then leaps away from the church to go have his final confrontation with the Kingpin)
Priest: Good luck, son.
NC (vo; as Priest): Do the Lord's work. Kill them! Kill them fucking all!
(Fisk is shown preparing himself at his building)
Fisk: Send the guards home.
Wesley: But, sir...
Fisk: I was raised in the Bronx, Wesley. This is something you wouldn't understand.
NC (vo; as Fisk): Yes, I have to go one on one, even though every other murder I've committed has always been done by the hands of others. In fact, I even had others kill Daredevil's father and only delivered the final punch. It's all about honor. A very, very, very inconsistent honor.
(Daredevil shoots his cable at Fisk who easily catches it and swings Daredevil into the window)
NC (vo): Daredevil tries to fight him, but forgot he sucks, so he figures maybe the sprinklers will help. Because, yeah, his powers that can sense all these tiny things apparently can't pick up a 300 lb., 7-foot giant for some reason.
[Note: Slight error - Michael Clarke Duncan's height was actually 6 ft 5.]
(Daredevil wins the fight by kicking in Fisk's knees, making him scream as he falls to the floor)
Daredevil: I've been thinking about this day since I was 12 years old.
(Daredevil swings Fisk's cane at him, intending to kill him. Of course, it turns out he held back)
NC (vo; as Fisk): Uh, I wonder if he knows he missed? (Mimics being hurt) Oooh, you got me! I'm dead!
Fisk: I don't understand.
Daredevil: I'm not the bad guy.
NC (vo): Oh, no shit. Try telling that to the two halves of the guy you let get run over by a train!
(We go back to the earlier scene of Daredevil leaving Quesada to get run over by a train)
Daredevil: That's not Heaven.
Quesada: I'll kill you!
Daredevil: That's the C-Train!
NC (vo; as Daredevil): By the way, I'm totally not the bad guy-- (Quesada gets run over) He knew what I was saying.
Fisk: I swear I'll tell who you are.
Daredevil: Tell the guys at Rikers all about how you got beat by a blind man.
Fisk: Don't worry about that. 'Cause I'll get out.
Daredevil: Yeah, I know. And I'll be waiting. (He tosses Fisk's cane away) Justice is served.
NC (vo): Wait, you're not killing the guy, he just said he'll get out to cause more chaos because of the faulty justice system, a justice system you're a part of, and then you said...
Daredevil: Justice is served.
NC: Yeah, until he gets out. Then it's not, you fucking idiot!
Daredevil: Justice is served.
NC: (confused) You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
NC (vo): So the Kingpin is put away, until he's let out again, but it's okay. (with Daredevil) Justice is served. (normal) And we cut to later, where we see Murdock...smelling someone who looked like his dead girlfriend. Makes about as much sense as the other stuff, when we then cut to the reporter deciding whether or not to reveal Daredevil's identity.
(Urich hits the delete button, which deletes the entirety of his article. One last scene has Urich seeing Daredevil on the rooftops)
Urich: Go get 'em, Matt.
(Daredevil gives him a half nod as he goes off in search of justice to dispense)
NC (vo; as Urich): This is probably withholding evidence and I'm not sure why I was writing about it instead of going to the police, but I had little to no part in this movie, so why make an impact now?
(The movie ends. We cut back to Angst still in mourning while Target has yet to finish hamming it up)
NC: Oh, will you guys stop it?! (The two stop what they're doing) Thank fucking God these clichés are so rarely done anymore!
(Footage from the film plays as NC gives his closing statement)
NC (vo): You could point to every comic book movie before it that this film was trying to imitate, from Batman to Spider-Man to Blade. But while those movies at the time offered something new, this just throws in what it heard worked in the past together without attaching any emotional logic or character to it. Once in a while, you’ll have something kind of neat, like the blind vision that’s kind of cool, and some of the fights work, but they’re way too few and far between. It was when the old and tired comic book clichés were fading away and the new and inventive ones were starting to take over. And all I can say is, it was definitely for the best.
Target: That's all fine and good, but what about our current situation, Buttercup?
NC: Oh, don't worry. (He picks up his phone) I know the one thing that can stop every early 2000s hero or villain.
Angst: Really? What's that?
NC: Look to your left, now.
(The two of them look to their left and the sun is now coming up over the skyline)
Target: Aw, hell, the bloody sun came up!
Angst: We can't fight during the day! We only look cool at night!
Target: Well, I'll see you in the sequel that'll never happen.
Angstine: I'm getting a sequel?
Target: You're dead. It wouldn't make any sense! (He shoots her one more time to make sure she stays dead) I'm Target! Hehe-haha-hehe-hoho-haha! (He runs off)
NC: So, now what?
Angst: Well, isn't it obvious? I jump through the city looking awesome while an early 2000s song plays.
NC: Oh, you mean the ones that always sound like a Southern hick is singing with a golf ball in his mouth?
Angst: The very one. I'll see you whenever justice is needed, Critic.
NC: I will have no fond memories of you, Angst.
Angst: Until then...
(He then jumps towards the camera in an action pose, ending on a freeze frame as we go to credits, with said early 2000s song as the theme. During the credits, one of the captions under Tamara's name says "Malcolm will Return Next Week in Angst 2: Revenge of the Crying")
I wanna be so angsty
And I'm singing about how angsty I am
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Gonna sing out the side of my mouth.
And I'm in pain. I'm in pain.
I'm in pain cause I'm talking out the side of my mouth.
Early 2000s song sounds exactly the same.
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