Curse of the Commercials (You Know the Drill!)


Release Date
November 11, 2020
Running Time
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Doug (vo): This episode brought to you by...

(Suddenly, NC pops his head in upside-down, wearing his "I [Donut] Donuts" shirt)

NC: Ah, you know the drill!

(His remote control floats beside him and pushes a button without him touching it. The sound of static is heard, and then, as per tradition, the ABC "After These Messages" Saturday morning bumpers are shown)

Three Clay Singers: After these messages...

(Cut back to the previous scene)

Doug (vo): Yeah, but seriously, it's brought to you by DoorDash, the app that brings you food you're craving right now right to your door. Okay, go ahead.

(The bumpers resume)

Three Clay Singers: After these messages...

Clay Fire Hydrant: (singing) After these messages...

Clay Cowboy: (singing) After these messages...

Clay Dog: (singing) After these messages...

(The title "You Know the Drill!" is shown)

Three Clay Singers: (audio) ...we'll be right back!

Donkey Kong Crunch[edit | edit source]

(TV static transition to: Donkey Kong Crunch commercial)

(Two boys are pouring out a box of Donkey Kong Cereal, a product of Ralston Purina, with the characters of Mario, Donkey Kong and Pauline, in cartoon form, all coming out of the box as well)

Singer: ♫ Donkey Kong is barrels of fun... ♫

NC (vo): Well, this cereal immediately seems unhygienic.

(DK, who holds Pauline in his arm, climbs to the top of the cereal box, but Mario whacks the box with a hammer, causing DK to lose his footing and fall off the cereal, landing on his head, knocking himself out)

Singer: ♫ Donkey Kong... ♫ (Pauline falls as well, but Mario catches her in his arms) Donkey Kong Cereal!

NC (vo): Yes, Donkey Kong used to be the gaming hotshot before Mario. (This early version of Mario is shown, along with a shot of the modern Mario off to the side) Meaning the plumber's iconic design looked more like Popeye if you threw him in the wash with the Pringles guy. (Images of those two aforementioned characters are shown)

Commercial Announcer: Donkey Kong-brand cereal has a sweet, crunchy corn taste.

Pauline: (held captive by DK) Help, help!

NC (vo; as announcer): Every box comes free with an abducted woman.

NC: We haven't cleared it with legal yet, but we're sure it's fine.

Announcer: And, boy, is it fun to crunch!

NC (vo): It's so authentic, Billy Mitchell smugly judges you while you eat it! (An image of Billy Mitchell is shown)

(NC is seen with a bowl of the cereal in his hand. He is about to eat some of it when he looks up and spots who else but Billy Mitchell staring at him. NC is nonplussed and embarrassed)

NC: How do you always somehow make me hate Donkey Kong?!

NC (vo): My favorite thing about this commercial actually isn't the cereal mascots, but the strange kids eating the cereal. (The two boys in the commercial are eagerly biting down hard on the cereal) Check out the psycho eyes on this one! (One of the boys is shown creepily staring toward the cereal box with DK throwing pieces of the cereal down to Mario like barrels while holding Pauline captive) He's sitting there, like, "One day, that chunk of ass will be mine. The lady ain't bad, either."

Mario: Give me a crunch! (One of the boys bites down hard on the cereal, making a loud crunch) One more... (The second boy also bites down on his cereal, crunching)

NC: I love this weird point he does, too.

(The second boy gestures toward himself with his thumb, grinning, then looking rather inexplicably disappointed)

NC (vo): Like, "Ye-hah-hah-hah! Aaand I'm dead inside."

NC: And how about this kid?

(The first boy is shown again, crunching on his cereal, gritting his teeth as he does so. The final shot of the commercial is shown, with the cereal in one corner and a shot of the boy biting down in the corner, freezing on that shot, accompanied by the phrase, "BARRELS OF FUN FOR BREAKFAST")

NC (vo): I'm sure he loved that they picked this picture to freeze on. That's not an image of joy, that's a missing kid photo on a milk carton! (A shot of a milk carton appears, with a shot of this kid on its side as part of a list of "missing" information, reading that, among other things, his name is John David, he was born on November 12, 1969, and he went missing on September 5, 1982)

Mario: Kids, kids! You want to help get Donkey Kong?

NC (vo): Still, it's a cute ad for the time, showing once in a while, fads are still fun to look back on.

Singer: ♫ It's barrels of fun for breakfast. You'll love the crunch! ♫

NC (vo; as announcer): Brought to you by Purina. (A green arrow appears, pointing to the Ralston Purina logo) If it's good enough for your dog, your dumbass kid will eat it.

Astronaut Barbie (1985)[edit | edit source]

(TV static transition to: Astronaut Barbie commercial. A Barbie doll, dressed in a pink astronaut suit, is shown visiting the moon while two girls play with her)

Singer: ♫ We girls can do anything... ♫

NC (vo; as the singer): As long as it's pink and has a waist like a Coke bottle. (Speaks normally) Yeah, I know that color is Barbie's fetish. I think the only thing non-pink was probably Oreo Barbie. (A picture of a Barbie dressed in the blue of the Oreo boxes and surrounded by Oreos is shown) Oh, you bet your recalled ass that was a thing! But something about a pink spacesuit just seems a little much. (Shots focusing on Barbie's shoulders are shown) Do astronauts really need shoulder pads? Is that even what that's supposed to be? It looks like her bra is trying to escape through her sleeves! She's like a fabulous version of (picture of...) the nurse from Return to Oz.

Singer: ♫ Astronaut Barbie! ♫

NC: I love, too, that it's not the American flag she's setting down, it's her own goddamn name.

(We zoom in on the flag in Barbie's hand and we see that it does indeed have her name on it)

NC: (mimics Barbie) I declare this moon in the name of Barbie! (as a person speaking through headphones, off-screen) Uh, I think you mean America. (as Barbie) Barbie is America.

(And NC's eyes suddenly glow pink. Cut back to the commercial where the person holding the Barbie doll is having her 'dance')

Singer: ♫ With all those crazy spot, where this lady would look real hot... ♫

NC (vo): Oh, that's why her suit's like that, so she can go space mutiny dancing at the moon disco. (as Barbie) Girl power!

Singer: ♫ Men for a change... ♫

(The person holding the Barbie toy takes Barbie's helmet off)

NC (vo): Uh, don't take your helmet off– (And Barbie's head explodes) –Okay.

Singer: ♫ We girls can do anything. ♫

(A picture of the Endoskeleton from the Terminator movies is shown on the top left screen)

NC (vo; as the singer): As long as hair products, mini-skirts and a silhouette like The Terminator are involved. (Speaks normally) I know fashion is subjective, but you can send this ad and its product to the nearest pink sun.

Singer: ♫ Bright Barbie, Astronaut Barbie. ♫

Man (vo): Did you see my butt?

LifeCall[edit | edit source]

(TV static transition to: LifeCall commercial)

(The commercial opens with an old lady sleeping in bed, then waking up and pushing on a button on her person)

Old Lady: (narrating) Recently, when I became deathly ill...

NC: (grinning) Oh, this ad's a classic. You may not recognize it at first, but you will shortly.

NC (vo): The product is LifeCall, and it's very simple. If something happens to you, it notifies the proper people to come and help.

NC: It doesn't seem like anything too special, until you hear this line.

(The old lady is shown lying on the ground while calling on the phone)

Old Lady: I've fallen, and I can't get up!

NC (vo): Yep, that's where that famous phrase came from. For whatever reason at the time, everybody mocked this.

(Cut to a clip of an episode of Family Matters)

Steve Urkel (Jaleel White): (wearing a cowboy suit and trying to get up from falling) I've fallen, and I can't get up!

(Cut to a clip of an episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air)

Will (Will Smith): I have fallen, and I can't get up.

(Cut to a clip of an episode of InuYasha)

Old Man: (hanging over a cliff) I've fallen, and I can't get up!

(Cut to a clip of an episode of The Golden Girls)

Blanche (Rue McClanahan): I've fallen, and I can't get up!

(Cut to a clip of an episode of The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog)

Dr. Robotnik: (struggling to get up with his body broken) I've fallen, and I can't get up!

(Cut to a clip of a movie involving a speaker. A robotic voice is heard on it)

Voice: I've fallen, and I can't get up!

(Cut back to the LifeCall commercial)

NC (vo): I'm not exactly sure why. I mean, don't get me wrong, my friends and I made fun of it, too, but it's not like the worst delivered line. There's just something about the awkward silence and kind of weird pause she made that just makes it so memorable. I also love the idea of less patient people reacting to her.

(The next bit alternates between the old lady in the "LifeCall" commercial and other media clips)

Old Lady: I've fallen, and I can't get up!

(Cut to a clip of an episode of The IT Crowd)

Roy (Chris O'Dowd): (on the phone) Have you tried turning it off and on again? (laugh track)

Old Lady: I've fallen, and I can't get up!

(Cut to a clip of Tropic Thunder)

Les Grossman (Tom Cruise): (speaking into cell phone) Take a big step back...and literally FUCK YOUR OWN FACE!!!

NC (vo): I guess the rest of the commercial is a little odd, too, which maybe adds to the memorability of it.

Old Lady: (narrating) I was able to summon an ambulance, my next door neighbor, my family and my doctor.

NC (vo; as old lady): I was also able to summon my grandchildren, my pets, my psychic, the president, and even Black Panther.

(Black Panther (played by Malcolm Ray) picks up the phone and answers it)

Black Panther: Hello?

Old Lady: (on phone) I've fallen, and I can't get up!

(Black Panther hangs up the phone. Various people shown in the commercial are shown)

NC (vo): This woman surrounds herself with some weird people. Her kids react like Jack Black after he married a mobster wife, her neighbors knocking like he wants to bum some cialis, and her doctor looks like this is the 10th time she's called this week. (Mimics the doctor) No, Mrs. Wilson, I can't fix your garbage disposal.

NC: You know what they really need, though? A Karen call.

NC (vo): Any time a stuck-up woman wants to pretend her life is in danger, there's a operator ready to handle it.

(We then cut to an old lady (Tamara) looking out the window as she talks to NC on the phone)

Old Lady: (gasps) Yes, yes, there is a black person selling lemonade outside!

NC: That's not a problem.

Old Lady: It most certainly is. Arrest him at once!

NC: Well, answer me this question: is the person recording you?

Old Lady: Yes, he is.

NC: That means you're on your own, bitch.

(NC hangs up the phone as the old lady hears sirens outside her apartment)

Old Lady: Oh, thank God, the police are here! Wait, why are they coming up to my apartment?!

(We then cut back to the "LifeCall" commercial)

NC (vo): It might feel a little off, but that's just what makes us love it even more.

Old Lady: I've fallen, and I can't get up!

(Cut to a clip of an episode of Fawlty Towers)

Basil Fawlty (John Cleese): (on phone) Anything else? I mean, would you like the hotel moved a bit to the left, or...? (laugh track)

Wilkins Coffee[edit | edit source]

(TV static transition to: Wilkins Coffee commercial)

(A series of the classic Wilkins Coffee commercials of the 1950s are shown, done by Jim Henson in one of his earliest performances with the Muppets. The first commercial shows a frog-like creature named – surprise, surprise – Wilkins addressing a blob-like creature named Wontkins under a tree)

Wilkins (voiced by Jim Henson): Do you drink Wilkins Coffee?

Wontkins (also voiced by Henson): No.

(Suddenly, the tree falls over and hits Wontkins on the head)

NC (vo): Speaking of classic commercials, Muppet creator Jim Henson got his start doing ads back in the '50s. Yes, before they were selling high-end products like...crumpets... (A shot of the commercial for Warburtons Crumpets featuring the Muppets is superimposed) ...this is how the Muppets got their start.

(Another commercial is shown, this one Christmas-themed, as Wilkins sits in a sleigh wearing a Santa hat and beard, while Wontkins, wearing reindeer antlers, is trying to pull on the sleigh)

Wilkins: Merry Christmas! It's a joy to serve Wilkins Coffee to so many people at Christmas.

NC (vo): Though several products were advertised, his biggest hit was with Wilkins Coffee. Why? Because he only had eight seconds per ad, which meant he not only had to get to the point quick, he had to get to the needless violence even quicker.

(We treated to one such commercial, which feels like standup comedy , because...why not?)

Wilkins: Care for a cup of Wilkins Coffee?

Wontkins: No, I don't like coffee.

(Suddenly, a hand holding a gun reaches into the frame and shoots Wontkins dead at point-blank range)

Wilkins: This has been a public service!*

  • NOTE: It's actually "public service announcement", but the audio cuts off.

NC (vo): It always starts with a character named – get this – Wilkins, who loves Wilkins Coffee and always tries to persuade his buddy, Wontkins, to try some. And when I say "persuade", I mean "horrifically mutilate".

(Another commercial is shown where Wilkins is holding a club)

Wilkins: We're here to persuade people to drink more Wilkins Coffee.

Wontkins: What's the club for?

(Wilkins bashes Wontkins on the head with the club. Then we cut to another clip of another commercial: Wilkins puts a lit bomb on the windowsill of Wontkins' house! Seriously!)

Wilkins: You have any Wilkins Coffee in your house?

Wontkins: No.

(Wilkins pushes the bomb into the house. Wontkins has only enough time to react in alarm before the bomb explodes and blows him and his house up! Cut to yet another clip of another commercial, this one showing Wilkins as a fortune teller named Snikliw)

Wilkins: I see you don't drink Wilkins Instant Coffee.

Wontkins: What about my future?

(In response, the frog discreetly shoots Wontkins with a gun under the table!)

Wilkins: You don't have a future!

(Cut to yet another commercial, this one showing Wilkins and Wontkins in a tree)

Wontkins: Why are we climbing this tree?

Wilkins: For Wilkins Coffee.

Wontkins: I don't want any.

(In response, Wilkins kicks poor Wontkins out of the tree. He falls to the ground (with the sound of Tom Cat screaming added in))

Wilkins: It's autumn, and the nuts are beginning to fall.

NC: The funny thing is, Henson used to say he had reservations about working on... (Cut to a shot of a behind-the-scenes image of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles from the TMNT movie trilogy) ...the Ninja Turtles movies, because he thought they were too violent.

(Cut back to the commercials)

NC (vo): But Muppet Saw here was perfectly fine for some reason.

Wontkins: (to Wilkins, who is standing behind a table reading "Wilkins Hidden Persuaders") You can't persuade me to drink Wilkins Instant Coffee! (In response, Wilkins turns the lights off, then reaches out and pokes Wontkins) Ouch! Okay!

(Wilkins turns the lights back on, now holding a knife, which he had stabbed Wontkins with)

Wilkins: Just a stab in the dark.

NC: I honestly love how violent these are, because they happen so quickly and with no remorse.

NC (vo): In fact, Wilkins might be one of the most sadistic maniacs in television history. And I'm including Homelander. (A shot of Homelander from the TV show The Boys is superimposed)

(Yet another commercial is shown: Wilkins and Wontkins are sitting around a table playing poker)

Wontkins: I got five aces, can you beat that?

Wilkins: (takes out a Wilkins coffee can) I got a can of Wilkins Coffee.

(He then takes out a gun and shoots Wontkins)

NC (vo): He didn't even need to shoot him there! Coffee was never brought into the conversation! What the bejeezus is wrong with you?!

(Wilkins is now dressed as a pastry baker at a coffee shop counter, holding out some strawberry shortcake and a cup of coffee to Wontkins)

Wilkins: Want some Wilkins Coffee with your strawberry shortcake?

Wontkins: (shakes head) Can't say that I do.

(Wilkins then smashes the shortcake in Wontkins' face and then pours coffee on his head)

Wilkins: You can't say that you don't, either.

NC (vo): Yeah, hitting him with cake's not enough, you gotta pour scorching hot liquid on him, too. He's not even reacting, he's so numb to the constant pain he's in.

(Wilkins is holding a string acting as a trigger for a guillotine, which Wontkins is standing in front of)

Wilkins: This machine will make you want a cup of Wilkins Coffee.

Wontkins: Not me! I'll–

(Wilkins drops the guillotine's blade, and Wontkins' head is replaced by a censor bar while blood is splattered everywhere, due to NC's edit)

NC: This one, they couldn't even show, it was so horrific!

(It shows Wilkins and Wontkins are dressed in fencing gear)

Wilkins: (raising a fencing blade) En garde! Salute Wilkins Coffee!

Wontkins: But I don't drink Wilkins Coffee!

(Cut to Wilkins wiping the blade off, with Wontkins nowhere to be seen)

Wilkins: Some learn, some don't.

NC (vo): He goddamn gutted him! He is wiping the blood and stuffing off his sword, and he has no penitence!

(Yet another commercial is shown: Wilkins is looking at Wontkins being carried on a conveyor belt towards a circular saw, which starts spinning)

Wilkins: If you don't start drinking Wilkins Coffee, I'll make you into 2x4s.

NC (vo): It's a mix of the glee he has in creatively skewering his best friend, and the absolute dead eyes he shoots every time he does it.

(Wontkins is strapped to a chair with an electricity-transmitting helmet on his head)

Wilkins: Any last requests, like for a cup of Wilkins Coffee?

Wontkins: No!

Wilkins: How shocking.

(Wilkins tilts his head as he pulls the lever to electrocute Wontkins. The commercial pauses, and a clip from the 2007 version of Halloween is superimposed over Wilkins)

Dr. Samuel Loomis (Malcolm McDowell): (eyes shown in close-up) These are the eyes...of a psychopath.

NC (vo): With great timing, puppetry, and, of course, a sadistic sense of humor, these coffee commercials were the best – even if you never drank Wilkins.

Wilkins: You either go with Wilkins, or you just don't go.

(A closeup shot of a can and a glass jar of Wilkins is shown, which is how such commercials always ended. As we cut back to NC, his phone rings, and he answers it)

NC: Hello?

Wilkins: (on phone) Care for a cup of Wilkins Coffee?

NC: (slightly confused) Well, no, I didn't even know it was a coffee you could still get.

Wilkins: (on phone) Things just seem to happen to people who don't drink Wilkins.

(Then NC takes his phone away from his ear and looks at the screen. It reveals an image of NC himself, sent to him from Wilkins as a text. He gasps in alarm. He looks around and then runs out of the room. He looks both ways up and down the hallway. When he doesn't see anything, he nervously returns to his room, still looking around. Unbeknownst to him, however, to a dramatic sting, Wilkins himself is seen peeking out through a crack in the closet door)

Baby Born Surprise[edit | edit source]

(TV static transition to: Baby Born Surprise commercial)

Child Singer: ♫ Baby Born: Magic Potty Surprise! ♫

NC (vo): Something more contemporary, but no less disturbing, Baby Born Surprise definitely leaves a surprise in the toilet, sparkle piss!

(NC looks shocked and gives an awkward thumbs up. The commercial shows two girls playing with a Baby Born doll while using a toy potty)

NC (vo): Actually, on an American diet, I'm surprised we don't piss sugar at this point.

Child Singer: ♫ Get a surprise! Feed her yummy snacks- ♫

(One girl is shown hugging the doll, with a non-full smile on her face)

NC: That's the face of a girl who's just given up.

NC (vo): She's like, "Oh, yeah, not only do I have to act like this is something I would play with, but I have to pretend it's normal-looking into these eyes that look like they're sucking out my chances of going to heaven." (Pictures of The Stray painting by Margaret Keane and Bubbles from The Powerpuff Girls are shown) Even a Margaret Keane painting of a Powerpuff Girl would say "Look at those freaky troll babies!"

Child Singer: ♫ Purple, pink or blue, now go potty, too! ♫ She poops charms!

(Inside the potty is a charm)

NC: Wow, they just said it!

(We cut to footage of the Lalaloopsy "Diaper Surprise" commercial.)

NC (vo): We've talked about toys before that show, don't tell... (We then cut back to the Baby Born: Magic Potty Surprise commercial) ...but they straight up say they poop charms! No wonder their eyes are so big! If I found out I could shit baby's first Tiffany's, my eyes would be bulging out, too.

Child Announcer: Potty Surprise pees glitter and poops charms.

NC (vo): That's a conversation starter.

NC: (as Random Person #1) Where'd you get that bracelet? (as Random Person #2) Up my doll's ass. (as Random Person #1) I'm going to this side of the room now.

(We cut back to the commercial)

Child Singer: ♫ Baby Born: Magic Potty Surprise! Poops magic! ♫

NC (vo): Yeah, nobody should poop magic unless you're a unicorn, leprechaun or Prince. This ad's disgusting. I'm moving on.

Child Announcer: Pees glitter and poops charms, with 30 surprises. Dolls each sold separately.

(We then cut briefly to a picture of the Lucky Charms cereal with the caption 'Hungry?' written underneath it before transitioning to the next commercial)

McDonald's DLT: Comedians[edit | edit source]

(TV static transition to: McDonald's: Comedians commercial)

(The commercial begins, showing the word "Comedians" in the corner, alongside the McDonald's logo. It involves a young man sitting down at a table with some other kids, with his arm in a sling)

Black boy: So how'd you do it?

NC: Heads up, this is probably one of the most awkward McDonald's commercials ever made.

NC (vo): It's not the subject matter, about a kid who broke his arm and is trying to have a McDLT, but how mystifyingly unnatural their conversation is.

Black boy: So how'd you do it?

Boy with arm in sling: I slipped.

Other boys: (in unison) He slipped.

NC: We know you were jerking off... (An image of Larry the Lobster from SpongeBob SquarePants is shown with the boy in the sling) Larry the Lobster again. It's okay. No, it's not. (shakes head)

(Another boy, this one wearing glasses, joins his friends at the table)

Bespectacled boy: (excited) McDLT everywhere!

(At the sight of this boy, NC screams and recoils in his chair. The boy is then shown again, along with an image of a younger Doug, to whom this boy bears an uncanny resemblance)

NC (vo): It's me as a kid!

NC: (pointing) Kill him with puberty!

Boy in sling: It was muddy.

Other boys: Yes, mm-hmm...

Boy in sling: The sun was in my eyes.

Other boys: (in unison) The sun?

NC: Why do you think words that aren't catchphrases are catchphrases?

(As the boy in the sling struggles to set up the McDLT, the bespectacled boy takes one of his fries)

Bespectacled boy: Are you, uh, using this fry?

Boy in sling: (awkwardly picking up McDLT container) Come on, guys, give me a hand!

NC (vo; as announcer): We'd like to thank Tommy Wiseau for guest-directing that line.

(Much to the boy in the sling's surprise and confusion, the other boys laugh and applaud. The McDonald's slogan of the period pops up: "It's a Good Time For the Great Taste", along with the McDonald's logo)

Boy in sling: (shaking head and sitting back down) Comedians. (starts to eat his McDLT)

NC: (confused) Where??

NC (vo): Everything about this is smothered in cringe, from their long moments of dead silence to the strange way they say...pretty much everything.

Boy in sling: The sun was in my eyes.

Other boys: (in unison) The sun?

NC: (as boy in sling) Okay, I was in a car accident and five people died.

NC (vo; as other boys in unison): Died?

NC: (as boy in sling) Okay, they're not dead, they're actually laying in my trunk!

NC (vo; as other boys in unison): Trunk?

NC: (as boy in sling) Okay, they're in my basement and I think they only have minutes to live!

NC (vo; as other boys in unison): Minutes?

NC: (as boy in sling) Okay, maybe less! God, what do you think I should do?!

NC (vo; as other boys in unison): The sun?

(NC, still acting as the boy in the sling, stares for a few seconds, then angrily gets out a gun and shoots the other boys. Cut back to the commercial)

NC (vo): Even the food makes no sense. (The camera zooms in on a container of McDonald's fries standing upright) When have you ever seen McDonald's fries stand on their own? Those are Play-Doh fries! How the hell did he put that burger together? (sees the bespectacled boy again) And seriously, did I have a twin brother I never knew about? Did he grow up into that guy from The Batman? (A shot of the movie The Batman is shown) Because I do kinda look like him!

Boy in sling: (awkwardly picking up McDLT container) Come on, guys, give me a hand!

NC (vo): This commercial is so weird, it's kind of amazing. It may not be a good time or a great taste, but it's...there.

(The end of the commercial is shown, with the boys applauding and the McDonald's logo popping up, accompanied by the slogan of the period: "It's a Good Time For the Great Taste", along with the McDonald's logo. However, most of the slogan is scratched out, leaving the slogan to now read, "It's a Time")

Boy in sling: (shaking head and sitting back down) Comedians. (starts to eat his McDLT)

Peeper Pals[edit | edit source]

(TV static transition to: Peeper Pals commercial)

(A toy puppy is shown. Its eyes open and light up)

Female Announcer: Rise and shine.

(NC yelps in shock)

Child Singers: ♫ Peeper Pals, I got my... ♫

(NC yelps again, recoiling in his chair as he does so)

NC (vo): Hey, kids, want your toys to look like Shang Tsung sucking out your soul? We don't care, just take these away from us!

(Several kids are shown playing with the Peeper Pals)

Child Singers: ♫ Peeper Pals, I got my eye on you. ♫

NC (vo): The kids aren't much better. They look as terrified to be with them as we are watching them.

(Several shots of the Peeper Pals opening their eyes are shown with NC speaking in a deep voice, imitating some sort of spell. Another shot of the commercial shows the Peeper Pals' lights being displayed even behind a bed sheet)

NC (vo): Even sheets can't hide their life force-sucking powers, which means they can also see through curtains.

NC: Have fun mulling that one over.

(The camera zooms into the text at the bottom of the screen)

NC: Batteries not included. They run entirely on black magic.

Female Announcer: The Peeper Pals. (The girl hugs her Peeper Pal, and its eyes light up when they open. The Critic gasps) And their eyes light the way.

NC: Just - take 'em away! Take 'em away!

Child Singers: ♫ Cause the sleepy head is ready for bed. ♫

Female Announcer: The Peeper Pals. (Two Peeper Pals are side by side with each other as the commercial wraps up. Their eyes open and light up. A deep chanting text is added as this happens) Each sold separately. From Galoob.

(The scene cuts to a closeup of the illuminated eyes)

Squirrely Squirrel (vo): Hail Satan!

Love 'n' Licks Pets[edit | edit source]

(TV static transition to: Love 'n' Licks Pets commercial)

Female Announcer: Amazing Pets!

NC (vo): Okay, here's a toy dog commercial that seems more on the level.

Female Announcer: How wet will you get from a Love 'n' Licks kiss?

(A Love 'n' Licks puppy dog is shown having actual drool on its tongue

NC: (stunned, but speaking deadpan) Oh, dear.

Girl: So wet, you should wear a bathing suit!

NC: Forgive them, Lord, they know not what they do. (Does a face palm while snickering)

Female Announcer: How wet will you get from a Love 'n' Licks kiss?

Boy: So wet, you need a towel!

(A picture of the Wet Banana and Wet Banana Super Slide is shown)

NC: Goes great after riding my Wet Banana.

Female Announcer: Rub his head and belly!

Girl 2: He's happy!

NC: What a coincidence, men come with the same instructions.

Girl 3: So wet, you'll need a raincoat!

NC: Put a .com after that, I assure you that's a site!

NC (vo): Well, this is certainly...wet. But you can't fault an ad for not always catching onto things, just laugh at them.

Female Announcer: New Amazing Love 'n' Licks Puppies give real wet kisses! Each sold separately. Batteries not included.

NC (vo; as announcer): Jar of peanut butter sold separately.

(We then cut back to NC as his cell phone rings. He answers it)

NC: Hello?

(We then cut to who is calling him: Tamara, whose kitchen seems loaded with boxes of dynamite and TNT (one of which appears to have come from ACME))

Tamara: Hi, Critic. Um, you wouldn't know anything about 10 tons of dynamite at my place, would you?


Tamara: Because I tried opening my door, which is locked from the other side?

NC: Oh, that's not good.

Tamara: And then, I tried calling 911, but someone's messing with my signal.

NC: Then how did you call me?

Tamara: Well, there was a message written in... (She looks up to spot a message reading "CALL N.C.", which has a Fraggle on it cut up and its blood used to write the message) ...I think, Fraggle blood that said give you a call.

NC: Well, that would mean whoever set up the dynamite is listening to our call.

(And indeed, someone is listening to the call. It's...)

Wilkins: (on phone) You gettin' on the Wilkins Coffee bandwagon? You either go with Wilkins, or you just don't go!

NC: (horrified) Oh, my God! Are you still on this?!

Wilkins: (on phone) You know, people who don't drink Wilkins Coffee just blow up sometimes!

NC: You are a sick man, mister!

Tamara: (still on the phone) For God's sakes, Critic, just buy some Wilkins Coffee!

NC: Don't worry, Tamara, I'm not afraid to put your life in danger for this.

Tamara: I am totally worrying because of all that stuff you just said!

Wilkins: (on phone) Any last requests, like for a cup of Wilkins Coffee?

NC: Hey, I know you're crazy, but you're not nuts, so go ahead, blow up Tamara! You don't have the– (He is interrupted by the sound of an explosion over the phone. NC quickly takes out a pen and looking off to the side) Okay, scheduling a recast...

(He writes something offscreen, as we cut to a shot of the city. There is a ton of smoke billowing up somewhere and Tamara flying through the air)

Tamara: (yelling) DAMN YOU, CRITIC!!!

NC: (resuming talking on the phone) You crazy, loony, insane madman! You're doing all of this just for Wilkins Coffee?!

Wilkins: (on phone) If you don't drink Wilkins Coffee, you're not all there!

NC: You're not gonna get away with this! I will not rest until you're an ottoman! I'm going to send the most skilled, psychotic, badass killer the world has ever known on you.

(We then cut to Malcolm in his home. He is playing a video game)

Malcolm: (throwing down game controller in disgust) Damn it, Gogeta! (Malcolm's phone rings and he answers it) Hello?

NC: I need you to hunt a Muppet.

Malcolm: Okay.

NC: Well, that maniac's behind me. (Wilkins is seen peeking out through a crack in NC's door) Next commercial.

(TV static transition to a commercial break)

Isotoner Gloves[edit | edit source]

(TV static transition to: Isotoner Gloves commercial. The commercial shows a man visiting a glove store)

Man: Uh.

NC (vo): It's not often you see a glove commercial on TV, but after watching this, maybe you can tell why. I was gonna say it starts off innocently enough, but as you quickly discover, nothing about this is innocent.

Man: I need some gifts, for my girlfriends.

Cashier: Your girlfriends? How many?

Man: I have eight.

NC: Wow. you're a liar.

NC (vo): Yeah, chicks really dig Jay Moore molting into the encyclopedia Britannica dork.

Cashier: Your girlfriends? How many?

Man: I have eight.

Cashier: Ha. I find that a little hard to believe.

Man: Well, one of them's my mother.

(The caption,"Step Away from the Creeper!" is shown with a siren blaring, and NC saying the caption)

Cashier: Well. I recommend these lovely Isotoner Gloves.

(Pictures from Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker and Bedknobs and Broomsticks are shown)

NC (vo; as the Cashier): They're the latest fashion in riding space horses or a 1940's motorcycle.

Cashier: Two one size fits all.

Man: That's great. I'll take nine.

Cashier: I thought you said you had eight girlfriends.

Man: Well, you'll never know when I might need an extra pair.

Cashier: Oh, my.

NC (vo): This was the start to a porno. They strip down to nothing, except his glasses and her national velvet gloves. Oh, and his mother joins in.

Man: One of them's my mother.

Cashier: Aha!

NC (vo): This commercial is ewwie and I'm ashamed to have witnessed it. I hope you two find love at whatever Craigslist personal you stumble across.

Male Announcer: Isotoner Gloves, the perfect gift, because they're the perfect fit.

(The Cinema Snob (Brad Jones) appears on the top left screen)

CS: And then they bang!

Diet Coke: Underwear[edit | edit source]

(TV static transition to: Diet Coke: Underwear commercial)

NC (vo): Okay, good. A Diet Coke commercial. This won't be pervertedly obsessing over articles of clothing.

(A man and a woman are shown at a house, sorting out various clothing, while the man imagines the woman wearing all sorts of different sexual clothing)

Man: When we first started going out, she'd wear really sexy underwear.

NC: (stunned) Coke, whatever you're trying to do, you're doing it wrong.

Man: Like you've seen underwear ads.

NC (vo): Yes, underwear ads, not soda ads, you have troubles.

Man: After a while, she started wearing the kind of underwear that I saw in the hamper when I was a kid.

(NC becomes amazed and tries to think about what he heard)

NC: No, there's no way for that to not sound creepy.

Man: ...the kind of underwear that I saw in the hamper when I was a kid.

NC (vo; as the Man): Like the kind my hot mother and/or sister wore! (Speaks normally) By the way, drink Coke! But, only Diet Coke. Real Coke is for pervs.

Man: There's something oddly reassuring about thin washed out cotton underwear with little yellow flowers.

NC: Maybe for you, Ted Bundy, but your hopefully...

NC (vo): ...girlfriend and not twin is looking at you like- (as the woman) Why is he smelling my panties saying "Mommy, more artificial sweetner?" (Speaks normally) What the hell kind of creepy ad is this? Was the pitch meeting as freaking awkward?!

Spokesperson: (offscreen) Diet Coke ad should have more laundry gonking and hints to incest.

NC: (as a representer) Well, I'm looking to get fired, so I'd say go for it.

(Back to Diet Coke commercial)

NC (vo): This ad is 10 levels of EUGH. I don't know what kind of heartwarming moment they were trying to create, but it's clearly warming something else. And for very wrong reasons!

Man: There's something oddly reassuring about thin washed out cotton underwear with little yellow flowers.

(Pictures of a painting and a shot of Luke and Leia kissing from Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back is shown)

NC (vo; as announcer): Brought to you by the petition to get Adopis Wrex in a Star Wars movie.

A.G. Bear[edit | edit source]

(TV static transition to: A.G. Bear commercial. A little girl comes into a bedroom to see an A.G. Bear doll in her bed)

Female Announcer: There's a new baby in the house.

NC (vo): Okay, so a commercial for talking animals is nothing new. Honestly, there was one in this collection I was watching before this one popped up.

(That commercial is briefly shown, showing a boy brushing a toy dog's fur)

Dog Toy: That hurts!

Boy: I'm sorry.

NC: But then there's toys that are clearly broken and they try to pass them off as functional.

Female Announcer: A.G. Baby.

Girl: Oh, you're awake!

(The bear toy beeps as the words "WTF?" appears in green for a split second)

Female Announcer: And this baby can talk in baby bear talk.

NC (vo): Yeah, that's it! Baby bear talk. It's not like the manufacturer slammed this thing against a wall saying "Work, damn you, work!", resulting in inaudible beeps that sounds like Willy Wonka's computer. (The A.G. Baby bear's beeps are heard, and then the sound effects from Willy Wonka's computer are heard, too) It's just bear talk!

Female Announcer: She has her own diaper, and she starts to talk when you rock her.

NC: What freaking bear beeps?!

NC (vo): I missed that part in The Revenant where Leo fought off a roaring alarm clock.

(Cut to a clip from The Revenant where Hugh Glass (Leonardo DeCaprio) is being attacked by a bear but with the beeping sound effects from Willy Wonka's computer)

Girl 2: A.G. says, "Your baby needs her diaper changed."

NC: Girl, the only way you can see that as talking as if they're drunken drive-thru attendants.

NC (vo; as A.G. Baby, in a drunken voice): Do you want fries with that?

Girl: Oh, you're awake!

NC (vo; as A.G. Baby): I said "Do you want fries with that?"

Girl 2: Your baby needs her diaper changed.

NC (vo; as A.G. Baby): God, I should've gone to college!

Boy: How do you know what she is saying?

Girl: I’m her mother.

NC: (as the girl) I'm also blitzed!

NC (vo): It was a good try. Actually, no, it wasn't, but it was a try at a pathetic product.

Female Announcer: A.G. Bear and A.G. Baby. Each sold separately.

NC (vo; as A.G. Baby): There's no such thing as an impossible Big Mac!

Baby Laugh A-Lot[edit | edit source]

(TV static transition to: Baby Laugh A-Lot commercial. A girl is shown placing a doll with a laughing face on a table)

Announcer: Listen to Remco's Baby Laugh A-Lot!

NC (vo): This ad's been getting some attention over the years. In the '70s, someone thought giving Rosemary's Baby a voice was a good idea, but it backfired when not only did this thing look like it ate your little brother and wished you had a bigger family, but they gave it the most haunting laugh!

(Baby Laugh A-Lot giggles, causing NC to become freaked out)

NC (vo): And it doesn't stop there. Look at how they shoot these kids reacting to it.

(The girls turn to face the camera)

NC: Okay, Susie. I want you to turn your head like you're hearing an adorable laugh, but you're also the Village of the Damned.

(The shots ofthe girls turning to face the camera are shown while suspenseful music plays in the background. The last one has a lens effect added over her eyes to give them an eerie glare)

NC: Those are faces that say, "It's goat blood bathing time!"

Announcer: You just push the button, and she starts to giggle! (The words "DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT RUNNING." appear onscreen)

NC (vo): I don't like this thing. I don't like this ad. Quite frankly, I think it blends too well with so many other evil laughs.

Announcer: She's the funniest doll you've ever seen!

(Baby Laugh A-Lot's giggles are joined by clips of Jack Torrance from The Shining, Chucky from Child's Play, Agent Smith from The Matrix Revolutions, a caribou bust from Evil Dead, and Dracula from Bram Stoker's Dracula; all characters are laughing maniacally)

Announcer: Baby Laugh A-Lot by Remco! (laughs maniacally)

Sun Country Wine Cooler[edit | edit source]

(TV static transition to: Sun Country Wine Cooler commercial)

(As "Toccata and Fugue" plays in the background, we are shown a polar bear sitting next to a table with a Wine Cooler bottle, speaking with the voice of Vincent Price)

Polar Bear (Vincent Price): I used to be frightening...

NC (vo): Oh, finally. Something normal.

Polar Bear: I was scared I wouldn't pick the right one. Luckily, I did.

NC: Bet you didn't know Vincent Price was a furry. (Beat) Eh, maybe you did.

NC (vo): Now just imagine him doing "Thriller" in a recording booth, looking like one of the Coca-Cola bears, and nobody dares ask him why!

Polar Bear: Sun Country is a blend of premium white wine and real fruit juice.

NC (vo): And in case you're, there is absolutely no reason for him to be wearing this. It's for Sun Country Wine Coolers, you literally can't get any more opposite of that than this! Even the organ music and Halloween theme, it connects to nothing! This is the most random shit you could ever compile!

NC: And it's not like Vincent Price just did the voice, no, no, he gladly reveals...

(The polar bear takes off his mask to reveal Vincent Price)

NC (vo): ... he's in that costume! Like, this is just Wednesday for him!

(Vincent Price does his trademark evil laugh)

NC: My guess is, he insisted on being in that thing, just because he's Vincent Price!

(A rolling film wheel is shown as we are shown the caption, "'Behind The Scenes' Audio". The following dialogue is heard in voiceover, with NC voicing the advertiser and Rob voicing Vincent Price)

Advertiser: Mr. Price, you're obviously known for classic horror, so we figure we have you against this organ music, lightning...

Vincent Price: And a polar bear costume.

Advertiser: I'm sorry?

Vincent Price: I think you heard me.

Advertiser: Why do you want to be in a polar bear costume?

Vincent Price: I have my reasons.

Advertiser: I don't think our budget can cover a polar bear costume.

Vincent Price: I'll provide my own.

Advertiser: It's gonna cost shooting time to get you in it.

Vincent Price: I'll do it for free, in fact: I'll pay you.

Advertiser: I just don't think our advertisers will be happy-

Vincent Price: Listen. I'm going to be in a polar bear outfit saying these lines and nothing else today. It's up to you if you want to shoot it.

Advertiser: Guess we have no choice.

Vincent Price: Good man.

Advertiser: Anything else?

Vincent Price: Yes, I insist I speak bear.

Advertiser: How do you speak-?

(The beeping sounds from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory play in the recording. We then cut back to the Sun Country Cooler commercial)

NC (vo): It's odd and raises a lot of questions, but, hey. I'd be more concerned if something with Vincent Price didn't do that.

Vincent Price: You better sleep with your lights on. (does his evil laugh)

Tootsie Roll[edit | edit source]

(TV static transition to: Tootsie Roll commercial)

Kids: (singing) ♫ The world looks mighty good to me. 'Cause Tootsie Rolls are all I see! ♫

NC (vo): If you're like me, you grew up with this ad and loved the hell out of it. Despite it coming out in the '70s, this jingle was so catchy, they played it decades later.

Kids: (singing) ♫ Whatever it is, I think, I see, becomes a Tootsie Roll to me! ♫

(NC looks down at his I [Donut] Donuts shirt)

NC: (whispers softly) Something no one should have to see.

NC (vo): I can't even make that many jokes at it, it just puts me in a good mood. With it's relaxing song, bright colors, it's a solid commercial.

NC: Except for one thing I never noticed; the tagline.

(The commercial's tagline "Umm... it's from Tootsie Roll." appears)

Kids: (singing) ♫ Becomes a Toot...♫

NC (vo; snickers): What?!'s from Tootsie Roll. Is that for real? Somebody actually got paid to come up with that motto?

NC: I can't believe after all these years, I never noticed that!

NC (vo): I'm assuming they meant to put, "'s from Tootsie Roll", like it was a typo or something, but that's not what made to the final cut.

NC: Maybe there was meant to be a question mark at the end like...

NC (vo): Umm... it's from Tootsie Roll? We don't know. Terrorists could have made it for all we're sure. I mean, the ad was a big hit, being played decades later. Maybe that same genius was onto something by just half-assing everything.

(Cut to NC playing as a representer giving random slogans to other companies on the phone)

NC: (as a representer)'s from Tootsie Roll.

Spokesperson: (on phone) Brilliant!

(The phone rings)

Spokesperson: (on phone) Nike here, we need that slogan now!

NC: (as a representer) I don't know. Just do it.

Spokesperson: (on phone) Brilliant!

(The phone rings)

Spokesperson: (on phone) What are we going to call this bubble thing?

NC: (as a representer) Bubble Thing.

Spokesperson: (on phone) FUCKING BUBBLE-

NC: (as a representer) God, I'm a genius.

(Back to Tootsie Roll commercial)

NC (vo): Despite that oddness, I still love the hell out of this commercial all these years later.

(The commercial ends with the tagline "Umm... it's from Tootsie Roll with Eh...Der...I Guess." added)

Kids: (singing) ♫ Whatever it is, I think, I see, becomes a Tootsie Roll to me! ♫

(We then cut back to NC as his cell phone rings. He answers it)

NC: Hello?

(We then cut to who is calling him: Malcolm, who's trying to figure out where the phone calls are coming from)

Malcolm: Okay, I figured out where the call is coming from. It's coming from inside- wait, my house?!

NC: Oh, good. I don't have anything to worry about. (Malcolm, to a dramatic sting, looks to his right and sees Wilkins about to stab and kill him with a knife) Okay, Malcolm, you did good. Just hit me up if there's anything else I need to know about. (Wilkins starts stabbing and killing Malcolm as he yells and screams over the phone) I get it, talk to you later. (hangs up) Next commercial.

Cats PSAs[edit | edit source]

(TV static transition to: Cats PSAs)

(A car's headlights flash on the screen, piercing through fog, as the car comes up toward the camera, tires screeching)

NC (vo): Uh-oh.

NC: (worried) We're at the point where those creepy-ass PSAs start up. (The car comes up close to the camera and stops with a crash, shaking the camera as it does) You know what? I don't even care anymore! You've beaten down any hope of humanity, so just show me the strangest you've got!

(Who should appear on the screen but...the cast of the original Broadway version of Cats?)

Bombalurina: An accident!

Other cats: An accident! An accident!

NC: (stunned, then nods) Good start...

NC (vo): Yes, bizarrely, the Cats from the hit Broadway musical did PSAs back in the '80s, which is already faulty, as if cats would care a shit about your health.

(The Cats PSA in question is shown, involving cigarettes)

Old Deuteronomy: Someone is smoking over there.

Jennyanydots: Something we cats would never do.

Rum Tum Tugger: (spotting a lit cigarette) Filling their lungs with thick, dark hair.

Bombalurina: (pushing the cigarette into the trash) What a disgusting thing to do!

NC (vo; as Mr. Mistoffelees): Why can't they be like us at all, licking our dicks, vaginas and balls?

Cats: (in unison) Listen to cats, you men and women.

Old Deuteronomy: Take care of your lungs.

Mr. Mistoffelees: They're only human.

NC: Mmm, I don't see this leaving an impact. Now, if Judi Dench... (Cut to a shot of the movie adaptation of Cats, showing Dench as Old Deuteronomy) ...was staring at you, saying all this, you'd do whatever she says before she climbs into your brain and mind-fucks you.

(We then cut to the source of the PSA...)

Announcer: The American Lung Association. The Christmas Seal People.

NC (vo): It wasn't just smoking they pretended to care about, though. Child safety was also a big concern among cats as countless video footage has shown. (Video footage of a cat attacking a kid is briefly shown)

Old Deuteronomy: There was a child in the car.

Other cats: A child? A child? A child?

Man: Scheduled?

Old Deuteronomy: No one wants a child to become a memory.

Singer: ♫ Memory... ♫

(The U.S. Department of Transportation's slogan, "YOUR CHILD'S LIFE IS IN YOUR HANDS." appears)

NC (vo): Wow. Long way to go for a song pun. By the way, the child in this? Probably dead. Let's see if Mr. Mistoffelees can magic him back to life!

NC: (as Mr. Mistoffelees) ♫ Oh, well, never was there ev– ♫ (Suddenly becomes creeped out) No, no, I can't do that, too much of him is separated from the rest. That's...that's a puzzle I can't complete.

(Back to the Cats smoking PSA)

NC (vo): I guess compared to other weird PSAs, this isn't that bad. They mean well, they're just hard to take seriously, especially when dealing with an animal like a cat.

NC: I don't know, Chaplin, do you care about- (NC's cat Chaplin is shown with a Photoshopped cigarette in his mouth) Yeah, it's about what I guessed.

Chaplin (voiced by Doug): I'm a bad role model!

Lou Albano (Super Mario) PSAs[edit | edit source]

(TV static transition to: various Lou Albano (Super Mario) PSAs)

Mario (Captain Lou Albano): What would you do if you were the victim of a crime?

NC: Hey-hey! Captain Lou Albano! And not just that, he's playing Mario!

Mario: Stay calm, then find a phone, and call the police. Tell them your name, and where you are, what happened, and if anyone was hurt.

NC: Yeah, okay, I'm not gonna lie, this is kinda cool.

(Footage of The Super Mario Bros. Super Show is shown, where Albano not only portrays Mario, but also does his voice in the actual cartoon)

NC (vo): Apparently, when he did The Super Mario Bros. Super Show, he did a lot of PSAs on various subjects. This guy is so cool, I feel like I can listen to him talk about anything.

Mario: Do you know someone that owns a gun?

NC: (stunned slightly) Okay, it's a little weird hearing Mario say that.

Mario: Remember, guns and knives can kill! I'm telling it to you.

NC: You said that like you've killed many people with those weapons.

Mario: Have you been finger-printed yet? It's fun.

NC: I'm eight! Why would I be finger-printed, giant pointing Mario?!

NC (vo): I think a lot of it is his pointing, a lot of ways saying isn't bad, it just comes across as so accusatory with that finger of objection!

Mario: Leave them alone!

(Cut briefly to an anime, showing a courthouse, where the D.A. is gyrating while the room shakes and the judge reacts in wide-eyed shock, while his gavel is embedded in the back of his chair)

NC: I'll admit, what I like most is that as much is he's into these PSAs, what he seems to be the most direct and passionate about is advertising his own show

(The next bit alternates between the PSA and the commercial for The Super Mario Bros. Super Show)

Mario: (in PSA) When you go out to play, be sure to let your parents know where you'll be, and with whom you'll be playing. (in commercial) Holy cannoli, kids! I'm Mario, and I'm telling you! If you're not watching The Super Mario Bros. Super Show, you're gonna turn into a Goomba! (in PSA) If they need you, or if you don't come home on time, they have to know where to look. (in commercial) Don't be the last on your block to be playing with pasta power!

NC (vo): I know different amounts of energy I require for both, it's just funny to compare them.

Mario: (in commercial) We're gonna kick some Koopa! Whoo!

Announcer: The Super Mario Bros....

NC: I also love that they forget to edit before he breaks character!

Mario: Whoo!

NC (vo): He's like, "Okay, get me a smoke!"

NC: But by far, the one everyone remembers the most, big shock, is the drug PSA.

(The PSA is shown, with Lou Albano dressed as Mario, but not speaking as Mario)

Albano: I'm Captain Lou Albano, talking to you about drugs. Kids, don't be afraid to say no. Remember, don't be afraid to turn to your priest, your rabbi, your minister...

NC: I thought they were just used for starting dirty jokes.

Albano: Because drugs can kill.

(The image of Albano pulls into the corner, accompanied by some splashy colors, the phrase "JUST SAY NO!" in one corner and the local TV station WGBS-TV 57 in Philadelphia in another corner)

Albano: And if you do drugs, you go to Hell before you die.

NC: (stunned, blinks exaggeratedly) Did I say the gun thing was weird to hear Mario say? That was two minutes ago, when I was naive and innocent. What the hell, Nintendo mascot?!

NC (vo): As funny as this is, you'll notice he's not doing the Mario voice for it. And by God, if there's anything funnier... (Cut to a clip of the infamous "This is Crack" PSA with Pee-wee Herman) ...than Pee-wee Herman in character telling me about crack... (Cut back to Albano as Mario) ...Mario in character telling me I'm going to Hell, must be its own special high!

(Cut to a parody of this PSA with NC voicing Mario)

NC (vo; as Mario (more like Charles Martinet's Mario voice)): Kids, you have no idea how many Yoshis I sold to feed my habit! (A shot of the Mushroom Kingdom is shown, followed by a shot of Mario flying (as seen in Super Mario Galaxy) I came from the Mushroom Kingdom! All you have to do is sniff the floor and you literally fly! (Cut back to Albano) I lost so many Toads to this addiction! No, they didn't do drugs, I did them! You'd ever wonder why... (A shot of the famous first level of the first Super Mario Bros. is shown) ...there's so few civilians in town? Choose running away at the end of it all, pacing your last in your miserable home. Nothing more than an embarrassment... (Cut to a shot of the Mario characters as babies) the selfish, fucked-up brats you spoiled to replace yourselves.(Cut back again to Albano) Choose your future, choose life, but why would I want to do a thing like that? I choose not to choose life, I choose something else! (Cut to a shot from Super Smash Bros. Brawl of a rather depressed-looking Mario, with his head hanging down) And the reason? There are no reasons! Who need reasons when you got heroin? (Cut to Albano as Mario in the commercial for The Super Mario Bros. Super Show) If you're not watching The Super Mario Bros. Super Show, you're gonna turn into a Goomba and go to Hell before you die! Whoo!

NC: Captain Lou, I love you, and I love these PSAs. They are mad uncomfortable, but that's why I love them. God bless you, sir. You are the best Mario to ever tell me "I'm going to Hell!"

Mario: Remember, guns and knives can kill. I'm telling it to you.

Lonely Water[edit | edit source]

(TV static transition to: Lonely Water PSA)

Spirit (Donald Pleasence): I am the spirit of dark and lonely water.

NC (vo): Okay, I guess this is the big, scary one that a lot of people were sending me. It's called "Lonely Water", and it's narrated by Donald Pleasence, who plays an evil Grim Reaper character who traps and kills kids in unsafe areas. It's certainly eerie.

Spirit: And this is the kind of place you'd expect to find me. (The scene changes to a group of children playing on the muddy edge of a murky pool. A boy is shown trying to retrieve a soccer ball from a puddle of water with a stick) The boy is showing off. The bank is slippery.

(The spirit approaches from behind as the boy loses his footing on the muddy bank and falls in)

NC: Not gonna lie. I'm still in that Mario PSA.

(The scene changes to the side of a lake)

Spirit: It's the perfect place for an accident.

NC: Oh, yes, yes, yes. Very disturbing. I can't believe they showed that.

(The scene changes to show a boy fishing over a duck pond, holding onto a branch)

Spirit: The showoffs are easy, but the unwary ones are easier still.

(A shot from one of the previous Mario PSAs is shown)

Albano: And if you do drugs, you go to Hell before you die.

NC: Sorry, sorry. Continue.

(The scene shows the tree branch the boy is hanging from. The branch is rotted)

Spirit: This branch is weak - rotten. (NC yawns) It'll never take his weight.

(The rotted branch gives way, and the boy plunges into the pond. The spirit has been observing the whole thing from among the reeds)

NC: Eh, the twerp had it coming. At least he didn't do drugs. He'd be in Hell before he died!

(A rocky lakeside littered with rusted junk is shown. A boy is shown to be in trouble)

Spirit: Under the water, there are traps...old cars...bedsteads...weeds...hidden depths...

NC: I know this has all the check marks to creep me out, but...I'm still thinking about Mario telling me I'm going to Hell.

(Footage of the Mario PSA and the current PSA are both shown)

NC (vo): That's surprisingly staying with me more. Even though it was freaking weird, it still felt genuine somehow. Maybe it doesn't always have to be big scares, it's just the little things.

Spirit: Ready to trap the unwary, the showoff, the fool...

NC: Yeah, sorry. This is well-made and disturbing and all, but I think the country that had the most disturbing PSA this year is the Mushroom Kingdom.

NC (vo): I just don't think we're gonna top that.

(The spirit's dark robes are shown sinking under the water)

Spirit: (echoing) I'll be back...

NC: Yeah, yeah. You'll haunt my nightmares. Don't worry, Captain Lou! I will never do drugs! I will instead... (lip syncing to Lou Albano voiceover) the Mario! Swing your arms from side to side, just like that!

Albano: ...go to Hell before you die. Please...

NC: And that concludes another commercial special, I hope you enjoyed it, and... (A beep is heard) Got a text message. (Reads the message on his phone) Where are your cats? Oh, they're over there smoking and... (Notices Chaplin and Buster are gone from his room, then he runs out of his room. He looks both ways up and down the hallway to find his cats) Chaplin? Buster? Chaplin? Buster?! Chaplin?! Buster?! Oh, oh... Speak to me, boys! (NC turns around and sees Wilkins at the end of his hallway)

NC: Where my cats?

Wilkins: Wilkins Coffee is on the ball! You either get on the ball with Wilkins or get out of the way!

NC: Where are my cats, you fumbsack?!

Wilkins: Salute Wilkins Coffee!

NC: (sighs) All right, you hairless Elmo, I'll try your damn coffee! (Wilkins nods his head as NC looks down at the floor and sees a cup of Wilkins Coffee and he grabs the coffee mug on the floor and drinks it) It's okay. (Wilkins shrugs) Mm-hmm, yeah, now where's my cats!?! (Opens his bedroom door and Buster and Chaplin walk out and Chaplin meows) Oh. You just put 'em in my room, that's not too bad. (Beat) You know, I'm not gonna lie. That seemed a little excessive. I mean, you go to all this effort, you blow up my friends...rude...and for what? Just have people try Wilkins Coffee. What is so important about everybody trying Wilkins Co-

(NC suddenly starts choking)

Wilkins: You know, a house isn't a home without Wilkins Coffee. Let's leave it to the hand of faith! If you don't drink Wilkins Coffee, you're not all there! In fact, without Wilkins Coffee, you're nowhere! (NC thumps on the floor, dead) He always was a bad sport. (Wilkins walks close to the camera) Some learn, some don't.

(A message on the black screen says "Stop Wilkins Coffee Before It's Too Late". Wilkins comes out of the side and nods his head to the right and runs away fast, as the message says "It's Too Late")

Channel Awesome Tagline - Man: There's something oddly reassuring about thin washed out cotton underwear.

(The credits roll)

Trivia[edit | edit source]

  • This is the first commercial video since the first to not be based on a Planet of the Apes title.

See also[edit | edit source]

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