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Cup of Idiocy
Aired
Running time
15:39
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(A Los Angeles police badge appears on a red background. A slightly altered version of the Dragnet theme song plays.)

Policeman (vo): The video you're about to see is true. The names have been changed to protect the embarrassed.

NC: And that's one of the reasons I'm not reviewing these home movies. Yeah, I know. I know it's one of the main reasons you bought the DVD, but I don't care. I know you wanna see if Mara fucking Wilson was right that these videos were just as embarrassingly stupid as you think they are, but I'm not doing it. You wanna know why? Because you can take away my dignity, but there's one thing you cannot take away from me. My dignity! I believe it was Harold Lloyd Stevens who once said--

(Cut to Black Willy Wonka, watching the review on a TV.)

Black Willy Wonka: Oh, no. This simply won't do at all. And you. You've worked hard to pay for this DVD. You should be rewarded by seeing this asshole get some of his own medicine. Well, through the magical powers I've suddenly decided that I have, we're going to alter his memory so he doesn't realize that he's watching himself in these videos. That'll teach him to be a douchemaker.

(Black Willy Wonka motions his hands to perform a spell as intense music plays. He quickly transitions back to the previous pose.)

Black Willy Wonka: Incidentally, I have nothing against people who make douches. Your work is appreciated.

(Black Willy Wonka returns to casting the spell as the intense music resumes.)

NC: There's no way that I am-- (thunder rumbles) What the hell?

(Lightning strikes NC as he's blown off of his chair. He gets back up.)

NC: That was weird. Hey, who's that jackass on the TV?

(A young version of Doug talks to the camera with a miniature microphone.)

NC: I wanna make fun of him.

(Title card for Cup of Idiocy; dubstep music plays)

(Cut to footage from the video)

NC (vo): Yeah, this is a video series made by a group of sixth-graders--no, really, they're actually sixth-graders--known as Cup of Idiocy. I suppose they were trying to do something similar to Monty Python or Saturday Night Live, but it comes out more like a snuff film to comedy. And I know it's mean to pick on a bunch of 12-year-olds who were just trying to entertain themselves...

(Cut back to NC)

NC: ...but that's how Nazi Germany started...or I just went to a really bad school. But, nevertheless, I am making fun of this. So, let's look at the fruits of obviously very little labor, this is Cup of Idiocy.

(Young Doug is seen reading an issue of Reader's Digest before he quickly puts it away.)

NC (vo): The video opens up with a disclaimer.

Young Doug: What you are about to see... is not true.

NC: Thanks for that. So they-

(Young Doug starts acting crazy, making unintelligible noises. He also re-enacts the Wicked Witch melting scene from Wizard of Oz.)

NC (vo, as announcer): This bizarre mental breakdown is brought to you by Ritalin. Parents, if you're not sure, just give it to them anyway.

NC (vo): Their first section is called "Battle of Stupidity," where a news report seems to be going on.

Reporter: I'd like to turn over the weather to our other weatherman-

(Smash cut to a kid who seems to be mumbling)

Other Weatherman: Oh, the destruction...

(NC looks surprised)

NC: I'll just assume this is the other weatherman.

Other Weatherman: The destruction... To I think I could have prevented it...but they didn't believe me.

(A graphic on a TV screen displays a low-resolution hurricane graphic.)

NC (vo): Incredible green screen technology, as you can see. I think they went to a whole 16 and a half bits for this!

Other Weatherman: Now, to... (crying) Doug.

(Cuts to Young Doug in a tight shaky cam shot)

Young Doug: THIS IS DOUG WALKER, REPORTING FOR ALL THOSE--

NC (vo): Huh. Obviously they got the cameraman for Hunger Games on this one.

Young Doug: IT'S TERRIBLE OUT HERE! IT'S SO TERRIBLY BIG! AAAHHH!!!

(Cut to static)

NC (vo): But suddenly, the news report is interrupted by aliens.

(An alien appears in the form of an upside-down chin with a make-shift paper eyeball held together with tape.)

Alien: (gravelly) I let out control of your TV set. (transitions to normal voice) Are you receiving me?

(NC rubs his eyes in exasperation.)

Alien: Yes, we are aliens.

(Cut back to transmission)

Alien: We plan to destroy all of you.

NC (vo): Boy, am I glad they had that disclaimer, because, by God, I'd be fleeing into the streets right now! I mean, look at that alien dental work. And that alien scotch tape that I'm sure stops their alien eyes from blinking. Oh, and, of course, the little alien pubic beard growing all around that alien acne.

NC: Yet, to their credit, they are more intimidating than the Psychlos from Battlefield Earth.

Alien: Right now, we are destroying your communications system!

(Cut to a "communication tower" made out of Legos.)

Alien: Just watch out, evil! You went to destroy your communication towers! DAH!

(The communication tower gets whacked away.)

NC: Whoa, whoa! I'm so sorry, that was a little too real there.

(Cut to the planet Cookie-blum, a chocolate chip cookie with paper stars around it.)

NC (vo): We then get a transmission from their planet, Cookie-blum--hey, something's gotta replace Pluto--where they receive a message from their leader, Voltar.

(Cut to an alien in the form of a mannequin head with a sort of troll face in black robes.)

Voltar: (speaks gibberish)

NC: A curious-looking race.

NC (vo): Now I know it's hard to tell, I was pretty amazed when I heard the news too, but apparently, the exact same kid doing the puppeteering for Voltar is also doing his voice and the voice of the other person talking. 

NC: But it's done so flawlessly you would never be able to tell. Watch and marvel.

Voltar: (speaks more gibberish)

Alien: No, Voltar, we're not using your expensive cameras to film on an Earthling broadcasting system.

Voltar: (more gibberish)

Alien: (takes a breath) No, we did not switch your TVs around.

NC: All one person. Amazing.

Alien: Yes, we did switch the TVs in your room so that you would a blinking...um...blinking TV.

NC: God, it just seems like 2 totally different people.

Alien: Well, um, It's easier for us to speak into English and for you to speak into English.

NC: Must have taken...two, maybe three minutes of preparation on absolute master.

NC (vo): They convince Voltar to speak English with a slight on-again, off-again lisp so they can have a better idea of understanding their mission.

Voltar: We must contact a human being and teleport him onto the spacecraft. Okay? Teleporting...now!

(Jump cut to Voltar in a different shot)

Voltar: And now, if you would.

NC: Voltar seems to have blackouts every once in a while too.

Voltar: As soon as I push that green button, a human will teleport. And so, now we must--

NC (vo): Move to the right--there you go.

(A human is teleported onto the ship.)

NC (vo): They beam a guy, apparently making love to a body pillow on board, who, apparently, doesn't like being on a spaceship that looks eerily similar to a 90s kid's bedroom.

Voltar: Do you have any objections? Whooooa, you have been a bad boy.

NC: Warning: this scene gets a little graphic.

(The human "dismembers" Voltar.)

Voltar: (grunts) Ah! Woo-hoo!

NC: If I had a nickel for every time a disembodied head said, "Woo-hoo", I'd have to question how I got to that scenario.

NC (vo): The aliens watch in horror as their beheaded master slowly fades away.

Voltar: Tell Little Timmy...I won't be able to come to Christmas this Summer. And this fall... (humming is heard in the background) at Easter...I won't be able to lay too many eggs. I'll be dead!

NC: (sobbing) Oscar ballots are in the mail, folks. Vote wisely.

Voltar: And make sure you give $54,000 to each and everyone of O.J. Simpson's children.

NC (vo): I know I'm supposed to laugh at that topical joke, but am I the only one just wondering who the fuck Karen is? (a green arrow points to the name "Karen" on Voltar's forehead)

(Voltar flips over, dead.)

Alien: Nooooooooooooo!

NC: Really, you dubbed that line? How the fuck hard is it to say "no"? Unless you're Nicholas Cage offered a movie role! Swish!

(Cut to alien transmission)

Alien: Your pitiful planet is about-

(The camera pulls back to reveal Young Doug.)

Cameraman: Hey, look everybody! It's just a big hoax!

NC (vo): So it's revealed that it's all just a big hoax and...the story ends.

NC: What a twist!

(Cut to "Pointless Moment" title card)

NC (vo): We then get what they call a "Pointless Moment."

(The camera rotates as the kids act like they're rolling around, screaming and panicking until the camera is level again.)

NC: Well it definitely delivered what it promised. Can we see that Ritalin ad again?

(Footage replays as the Ritalin logo appears)

NC: Yeah, yeah, just a healthy reminder, folks.

(Cut to a medieval style title card and booklet)

NC (vo): We then cut to our next long-winded skit called "The Unfit Firing Squad." This opens in 1492 where Queen Victoria...

(Cut to Queen Victoria, played by Young Doug in drag.)

NC: ...clearly played by a young man trying to figure things out, does her daily knighting.

Court Subject (o.s.): Look, Your Majesty! It's the Duke of Edinburgh!

Queen Victoria: Blech! (accidentally "beheads" the Duke)

Court Subject (o.s.): Uh-oh! Your Majesty... I think he's dead!

Queen Victoria: Really? (repeatedly slaps the Duke as he blinks)

NC: Well, by his constant blinking, the fact that that was a very sharp piece of plastic, I'd say he's definitely dead.

Queen Victoria: This is terrible! We need to knight someone! What about him?

NC (vo): So she decides instead to knight...

(Camera pans to a young version of Chester A. Bum)

NC: Chester?! Chester, is that you?!

(Cut to Chester)

Chester: Maybe.

NC: What the hell are you doing in this?

Chester: I told you I had a checkered past as a child actor.

NC: Oh. And then you derailed into a life of drugs?

Chester: No, this is the regular route most child actors take.

NC: Ah.

Chester: Actually, I'm doing better than most.

Court Subject (o.s.): He once killed 89 people!

Young Chester: 88.

Court Subject (o.s.): 88 people! You CAN'T knight him, Your Majesty!

Queen Victoria: OH, YES I CAN!

NC: (flinches) Wow, he almost came out of the screen and actually ate me there.

Queen Victoria: I now dub you, Sir... Mean... Something! Live long and prosper!

(Young Chester takes the Royal Gun and runs off)

Court Subject (o.s.): Your Majesty, he's taken the Royal Gun!

NC (vo): Ah, yes, the Royal Gun. I don't know why most hierarchies don't have royal guns by their thrones. But, unfortunately, the knighting has screwed up the order of things, so the queen orders a random person to be executed instead.

Queen Victoria: Did you steal a loaf of bread? (subject nods) You're going to be executed! (both nod) Take him away!

Court Subject (o.s.): OK, come along.

NC: Hey, come on, is this Britain or Texas?

NC (vo): We then take a break for yet another Pointless Moment.

(Cut to a soap bar in a kid's hand, being waved around. The kid sings in an "operatic" style.)

Kid #1 (o.s.): Hey, what's that?

Kid #2 (o.s.): It's a soap opera.

(Cut to an annoyed NC.)

NC: I'm just gonna start on the apology that all of you deserve.

(Cut to the kids carrying water guns.)

NC (vo): They bring the guy out to be executed where... I guess we're introduced to our Unfit Firing Squad.

Unfit Firing Squad: And we are... THE EXECUTION SQUAD!

NC: What are they gonna do, lightly dampen his clothes to death?

Young Doug: I am Humpty Dumpty.

NC: (inhaes) Good start.

Young Doug: I like wearing women's clothing, and it's fun.

NC: (beat) I'm learning so much today. I mean, here I thought Humpty Dumpty was an egg with balancing issues. But, no, it's clearly a prepubescent Austrian who likes to crossdress. Change the story you tell your kids, I think this one'll hold up better.

Little Bo Peep: I'm little Bo Peep, and I've lost my sheep.

NC (vo): Okay, there's clearly a Mother Goose motif going on. Let's just see what it's all leading up to.

Trigger Happy Mack: I'm Trigger Happy Mack. I'm trigger happy! (laughs a la Beavis and Butthead) Yeah!

NC: Humpty Dumpty, Little Bo Peep, Trigger-Happy Mac. (beat) You're free to make sense of that all you want, I'm just going to pray for us as a species. (praying) Yeah, it's me again. Just saying sorry.

NC (vo): They accidentally end up shooting each other -- which is no big shock, I'm surprised they remember to breathe -- with the prisoner hopping away. The credits roll, with a special thanks to Voltar, because, clearly, he was the glue that held everything together.

Voltar: That's me! Hee-hee-hee-hee!

(Voltar gets punched away as a kid screams aggressively)

NC: I think they're getting way too much fun out of that thing.

NC (vo): The next sketch begins with a ribbon show, or as the kids like to say...

Kid: RIBBON SHOW!

(The kids put on their "ribbon show", making noises and singing)

NC (vo): You know a real ribbon show would've been nice? Half of you wear women's clothing, surely one of you knows how to put one on.

(Cut to a title card for The Late Late So Late It's Early Show)

NC: We then get a talk show called The Late Late So Late It's Early Show, with a character named Dobie Dickens, which I can't decide if that's a name from Oliver Twist or a porno movie.

Dobie: So, I don't have an audience, a band, I don't even have a cameraman. I'm just a loser with an annoying laugh. (laughs annoyingly)

NC: Well, I'll give it this: It did predict YouTube very well.

(Cut to Johnan, a superhero with a paper "J" taped onto a Marvin the Martian T-shirt and a cape. He stands with a goofy smile on his face.)

NC (vo): We then cut to a superhero named Johnan, the only hero to incorporate a Marvin the Martian T-shirt on his uniform, and also, maybe the only one to have the Chipmunks sing his theme song.

Theme Song: Johnan! The great, infallible Johnan!/He fights the bad (Bad!), He helps the good! (Good!)/He is the 90s Robin Hood! (Robin Hood!)/Johnan! Johnan! We love you, JOHNANNN!!!!!

NC: Is it too late to request a Mental Health Day instead of reviewing this?

NC (vo): Johnan comes across the evil Tick King, who knocks him out.

(The Tick King whacks Johnan upside the head. He exclaims as he falls over.)

Theme Song: Johnan! No one hated Johnan! (O.S.): he tried to fight (fight!)/but now he’s dead (dead!)/he just got hit right on the head (on the head!)/johnan! Johnan! No one hated JOHNAAAAAAAAAAAN!

NC (vo): Okay, they clearly like this high-pitched singing a little too much. It's like speeding up Let It Go, playing it backwards, and then spitting it out the Devil's butt!

NC: What am I talking about? That could be a hit today.

NC (vo): They then have a commercial for something called The Last Man on Earth.

Film Critic 1 (Young Critic): Glorious!

Film Critic 2: I can't believe they told me to say it's SOOOO GREAT!

Toy Skull: The best movie since Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead!

NC: A reference that'll never date.

(Cut to Young Doug, with the camera upside-down for some reason. It soon rotates sideways.)

Young Doug: Yes! Everybody is raving about The Last Man on Earth, the funniest, greatest, saddest, memorable movie ever made! Yes, it is coming up next!

NC: You know at times, I wanna ask why, but then I ask myself, "Why am I even asking why?"

Young Doug: But first, Johnan.

Cameraman: What?! Ahh!

NC (vo): This leads, of course, to the thrilling conclusion of Johnan. I know you're all at the edge of your fucking seats.

Tick King: Join my gang, or I shall shoot you! Here! (jump cut to Tick King pointing his gun at Johnan's groin area.)

Johnan: Never! You pointed your gun at--

(Tick King shoots Johnan; he exclaims in pain)

Johnan: OK!

Theme Song: Johnan! The infallible menacing Johnan!

NC: Not since Walter White has there ever been a transformation more disturbingly in-depth.

NC (vo): Seriously, Anakin Skywalker had more development than that.

NC (vo): We finally end up with their last sketch, The Last Man on Earth. Well, good. Let's see what they've been building up here.

Adam (Young Doug): Hello, um, my name is Adam, and, yes, I am the, um, last man on the face of this planet.

NC: Pretty roomy accommodations for the apocalypse.

Adam: Except for that cameraman operating the camera. Yeah, I see you! Come out from there!

(Someone wearing a mask charges at Adam as they run out the room, giggling. They run back into the room as a person wearing a werewolf mask laughs evilly.)

Young Doug: The end.

NC: Way to go out on a high note, guys. Cup of Idiocy!

NC (vo): I know its just kids messing around with a camera, but its still so painful to watch! Couldn't they have had some discipline, some effort, some semblance of logic to entertain who was unfortunate enough to come across this? Obviously not and we're the ones paying for it today!

NC: I mean come on. Even at that age, who would be stupid enough to actually think that was any good?

Black Willy Wonka (o.s.): Well...

(Black Willy Wonka stands outside of Critic's office.)

Black Willy Wonka: You would, Critic.

NC: Black Willy Wonka? What the fuck are you talking about?

(Black Willy Wonka snaps his fingers. Lightning strikes Critic again as he gets back up.)

NC: Will you stop doing that? Wait a minute. I suddenly remember. I WAS THE IDIOT WHO FILMED ALL THAT!!

Black Willy Wonka: That's right, Critic. Everyone's talent starts from somewhere and your's starts from the most embarrassing of beginnings. Ever!

NC: My God, I had such a different outlook after you altered my mind like that.

Black Willy Wonka: And what outlook is that, Critic?

NC: Well, I guess... If we shadows have offended,/think but this and all is mended./That you have but slumbered here while these visions did appear./And this weak and idle theme, no more yielding but a dream./Gentles do not reprehend./If you pardon, we will mend-

(Critic gets zapped by lightning)

Black Willy Wonka: I never really cared for rap lyrics.

Young Doug: I like wearing women's clothing. It is fun.

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