May 13, 2020
(After the Channel Awesome logo, we cold-open on a man, played by Doug, in a mock '80s commercial)
Announcer (Malcolm): Hey, guy in the '80s, do you love your kids? (The man nods) But do you also kind of hate them, too? (The man looks around shiftily, then nods) Well, do we have the perfect toy for you!
(A monstrous teddy bear with bloody teeth and a torn-up belly appears, along with the words "Lil' Shit")
Announcer: It's Lil' Shit! (The man yelps at this abomination, but then laughs at it) A tiny troll of torturous terror that's also kind of funny.
(The Lil' Shit is displayed amid twinkling stars)
Announcer: Is it for kids? Is it for adults? I don't know, it's the '80s...
(A montage of posters for '80s movies is shown, all displaying scary, yet funny, little monsters: Gremlins, Critters, Hobgoblins, Ghoulies, Munchies, Puppet Master)
Announcer: ...and we're just into scary little things right now!
(The Lil' Shit sits at the couch, pushing on the remote control. The man peers in, confused)
Announcer: You laugh with glee when he goes "Arooga!" at (image of...) a beautiful woman...
(At this, the Lil' Shit goes crazy, making an "arooga" sound as it does so. The man points at the Lil' Shit and laughs. Then he becomes shocked when he notices it's gone)
Announcer: ...scream in fear when he burns her alive...
(The man looks in another direction and spots a skeleton on fire)
Man: (covering his mouth in shock) Oh, fucking God!
(He then notices the Lil' Shit sitting on the couch again, this time holding a beer bottle)
Announcer: ...then laugh again when he gets drunk on beer. (The man laughs again) Is it meant to be funny? Is it meant to be scary? Who knows? But your kids will want the hell out of it.
(Two kids, played by Tamara and Malcolm, are shown acting all excited over the Lil' Shit)
Announcer: And because we're the '80s and we're all about making money, we'll totally sell it to them, despite it haunting their nightmares.
(Cut to a clip of a Gizmo (of Gremlins fame) doll commercial)
Announcer: Whether it be Gremlins...
Boy: (to the Gizmo doll) I'll take care of you, Gizmo.
(A clip of the movie is shown, as one Gremlin's head explodes after it's stuck in a microwave. Then cut to a commercial for RoboCop toys)
Boy: Surprise, RoboCop!
(A scene from the RoboCop movie is shown: a man getting mowed down by bullets. Then cut to a clip of a Batman toy commercial)
Announcer: ...or even Batman...
Boy: (playing with Batman and Joker toys) You've got three new weapons, Batman!
(A clip of that movie is shown as a man lands on a car's windshield as it drives, freaking out a girl in the car. Then cut back to the Lil' Shit and the man, played by Doug, laughing and shaking his finger at it)
Announcer: ...we simply don't care, ethics be damned. But don't trust us...no, really, you shouldn't.
(Cut again to the little girl)
Announcer: Listen to these happy little scamps.
Girl: I'll admit, I did think he was pretty scary when...
(The Lil' Shit is seen at the top of a stairwell, with a body lying on the floor far below)
Girl (vo): ...he dropped Mother down the stairwell...
(Cut back to the girl as she smiles)
Girl: But then he said a swear word that I didn't even know, and I laughed so hard! (giggles) I am a little concerned about that machine gun he's putting together, though.
(The sound of a machine gun is heard, its bullets leaving holes in the wall that come towards her! Then we cut to the boy)
Boy: At first, I was afraid...
(Cut to the boy in bed, cowering in fright with his face half-buried under the covers)
Boy (vo): ....when he started watching me at night. (The Lil' Shit appears in the doorway) But then I saw he liked watching Peter Pan! (The Lil' Shit holds up a VHS tape of the movie, and the boy emerges from the covers, smiling) I liked watching Peter Pan!
Boy: So I like him! (looks offscreen) What's that, buddy, a grenade?
(As if to answer his question, there is an explosion, and then we cut to the Lil' Shit again, with text which the announcer reads)
Announcer: Lil' Shit. This is One of Our Weirder Fads.
(And on that note, the "commercial" ends and we have the NC opening)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. I guess we've always had a fear of little things, haven't we?
(A montage of shots are shown of the following: Arachnophobia, Leprechaun, an episode of The Twilight Zone entitled "A Living Doll", Chucky, and Willie Scott in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom screaming at a spider)
NC (vo): Whether it be bugs or monsters or even our own toys, there's always been something creepy about teeny tiny terrors.
NC: But, there's always been something kind of hilarious about them, too.
(We cut to clips of movies involving tiny terrors, including Gremlins)
NC (vo): Why don't they just stomp on them? Why don't they just rip off their heads? There's no raid anywhere? Well, the '80s picked up on this high-larity and combined the horrors of the past with the goofiness of...just not giving a shit.
NC: Arguably, the most famous of these is Gremlins, but the one I find the most hilarious is Critters.
(The title for Critters is shown, followed by footage of that movie)
NC (vo): Made in 1986, Critters was the directorial debut of Stephen Herek. And if you don't know that name, you should. He is the Steven Spielberg of phenomenally okay.
(A montage of posters for movies directed by Herek is superimposed: The Three Musketeers, the live-action version of 101 Dalmatians, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, Mr. Holland's Opus, Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead, The Mighty Ducks)
NC (vo): Chances are, you saw a movie of his that wasn't spectacular, but by God, you will always remember, which is more than you can say for a lot of directors who come and go. Critters is no exception. While I can't say it's groundbreaking or anything, there is something to memorably bizarre about it. You just think of this movie and you start giggling. It doesn't try to be anything it's not, and what it is, is fucking ridiculous. And we're here to celebrate this bushel of "Huh?" by looking over its best headscratching moments.
NC: So sit back and brush up on your Critter vocabulary...
(A Critter in the movie is shown snarling, which, courtesy of a handy subtitle, apparently translates to "Fuck!")
NC: Yeah, it's the only one I memorized, too. This is Critters.
(The New Line Cinema logo is shown)
NC (vo): Oh, yeah, back when the New Line logo was (A shot of the game Narc is shown in the corner) Narc for some reason.
(The movie begins IN SPAAAAACE! Here, an asteroid is shown, which, according to a subtitle below, is known as "Prison Asteroid-Sector 17")
NC (vo): I think the film sets its tone early on.
Guard: The Crites are up to something!
(Suddenly, there is an explosion as the titular Critters escape through a wall they blew up and then fly off in a spaceship, with laser cannons trying in vain to shoot them down)
NC: (as Dr. Jumba) Experiment 626...
(A clip of Lilo and Stitch, showing Stitch making a similar escape, is shown)
NC (vo; as Jumba): ...is loose! Pray he does not come across (A shot of Stitch dancing the hula with Lilo is shown in the corner) adorable comic foil!
(The prison warden comes out, looking as alien as they come)
NC (vo): Ah, so that's what happens when you don't consult your doctor when an erection lasts over four hours.
(The warden is shown addressing two other aliens)
Warden: They've stolen one of our fastest ships, with enough fuel to cross the galaxy ten times over.
NC: (shaking head) Yeah, there's no doubt about it. This is the point...
(Cut to a clip of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie, showing Raphael walking out of a movie theater showing this movie, wearing a huge overcoat to avoid being recognized)
NC (vo): ...where Raphael walked out.
Raphael: Where do they come up with this stuff?
(Suddenly, a Tinker Bell-like fairy appears next to NC)
Fairy (voiced by Tamara): Congratulations. You are the first reviewer to ever make that joke.
NC: (excited) I am? I am?
Fairy: Yes. Nobody in the history of online criticism has ever thought of referencing that clip.
NC: (touched) Ho ho! My God, I feel so honored!
Fairy: Yes, and as a reward, I'm going to turn you into a real puppet!
NC: (confused) What?
(Suddenly, there is a bright flash. When it clears, NC has turned into a puppet, rather like the one he was turned into way back when he fell into the Plot Hole)
NC: What the FUCK?!
Warden: You will receive full payment, as usual, only upon evidence of their destruction.
NC (vo): The Crites, as the aliens call them in this movie, naturally head to the planet Earth...
NC: ...which seems to be on pause mode. Let me undo that real quick...
(It wasn't on pause, however, it just took its sweet time rolling the credits)
NC: Oh, no, that's just...real life.
NC (vo): ...and we see a mother [Helen Brown], played by Dee Wallace, because it's in her contract. (Posters for Critters, E.T., The Howling and Cujo are superimposed) If anything supernatural happened in the '80s, she had to be the mother in it.
Helen: (calling out) April, telephone!
NC (vo; as Helen): Let's see, the apron matches my shirt, my shirt matches the wallpaper. With any luck, I'll be invisible and no one will remember me from this movie.
(Her family, her husband, Jay (Billy "Green" Bush), and two children, April (Nadine van der Velde) and Brad (Scott Grimes), come to breakfast)
Brad: (to April) You're a real shithead, you know.
Helen: (offended) BRADLEY!
Jay: I'm gonna wash your mouth out.
Jay: You miss that bus, and I'm gonna skin you and hang your bones out to dry.
NC: That moment you realize...
NC (vo): ...he's the killer in the film.
NC: This is all a prequel to Texas Chainsaw Massacre. (An image of that movie appears in the corner, with the characters being labeled "Father", "Mother", "Son" and "Daughter")
(The kids leave the table silent. Helen sighs as she sits down to breakfast)
Helen: (mockingly) "Thank you for the lovely breakfast you've prepared, Mother."
NC: Hey, you want thanks?
NC (vo): Don't decorate the kitchen in board game colors!
NC: Why don't you try my color scheme?
(A shot of NC's living room is shown, with its blue walls and red couch)
NC: (points to the side of his head) Only one eye bleeds with that. (nods)
NC (vo): Also, let's pause for a minute and ask, "Where did that kid's red hair come from?"
(We then cut to the town sheriff, Harv, played by M. Emmet Walsh)
NC: (pointing) Hey! His hair used to be red! Mystery solved!
NC (vo): M. Emmet Walsh plays the cynical Southern bumpkin sheriff, a stretch from the cynical Southern bumpkin everything-else-he-plays, who's getting tired of locking up the town drunk, Charlie, played by Ben Stiller doing Simple Jack.
Charlie: (to Harv) I'm getting it through my fillings just like last time. Started getting these messages.
Voice on radio: This is patrol chief...
Charlie: Do you hear that?
Harv: (pointing to microphone) It's Jeff.
Jeff: I'm on.
NC: Oh, come on. Give him some credit. He thinks aliens are communicating through his fillings...
(Cut to a clip of an episode of Star Trek: Voyager, showing Neelix dressed as a policeman, speaking on a police communicator in a police car)
NC (vo): ...and that is Neelix
Neelix (Ethan Phillips): Come on, lover, pick it up.
(Cut back to Harv)
Harv: Cut the horseshit, Jeff!
(Cut back to Neelix)
Neelix: Oh, uh, uh, sorry.
(Cut back again to Critters, as Harv escorts Charlie out of the police station where Charlie is being held)
Harv: (to Charlie) Why don't you just go on out to Jane Helen's? You don't want to get fired now.
NC: This town acts like it's perpetually preparing for...
(Cut back to Harv again as Charlie leaves and the poster for the following appears off to the side...)
NC (vo): ...Spaced Invaders.
(The alien warden is seen addressing the bounty hunters)
NC (vo): Oh, speaking of which, the bounty hunters get advice from (An image of Bib Fortuna appears in the corner) Jabba's assistant...
NC: I'm sorry, I have too much dignity to Google his name.
NC (vo): ...and he gives them some essential videos on what Earth's culture is like.
(After scanning through various images of Earth culture, they come across a video of "Power of the Night" by Johnny Steele)
Steele: (singing) ...Stealing from the light...
NC: Oh, yeah, that looked the most interesting out of everything displayed!
NC (vo): We get, honestly, a damn good effect of the bounty hunter changing into the singer named Johnny Steele.
NC: Who... (shakes head) sounds like a cartoon show about a boy with a magic watch.
(An image of a made-up cartoon show called Johnny Steele is shown in the corner, showing a boy who looks like Ben Tennyson, who wears a watch that displays a holographic image of the chief from the Carmen Sandiego cartoon show. Back to the movie, the bounty hunter's human appearance is revealed, having turned into a duplicate of Johnny Steele)
NC (vo; as bounty hunter): I couldn't decide what sex I wanted to be, so I went with "D: All of the above".
(With that, the spaceship takes off for Earth. There, we see Charlie and Brad about to blow up a makeshift firecracker made out of a soda can with a fuse sticking out)
NC (vo): Back on Earth, Charlie's horsing around with Bradley, played by Scott Grimes, basically doing what people with barns and horror stories always do.
(The firecracker explodes, and the two of them cheer. Jay then shows up and glowers at Brad, pointing at another loaded soda can)
Jay: I thought I told you to get rid of them fireworks. (to Charlie) You gotta try and concentrate on what you're doing, okay?
Charlie: I'm gonna.
NC: Why does everybody dress like they're auditioning for...
(As the scene replays, an image of Russ Thompson, Sr., from Honey, I Shrunk the Kids is superimposed)
NC (vo): ...Matt Frewer from Honey, I Shrunk the Kids?
(Brad and Charlie now are playing with slingshots)
Brad: That don't feel right.
NC (vo): You mean a boy with a slingshot? Every bit of media says we got 'em, but by God, I've never seen a kid in the '80s actually have one.
(Then a car pulls up in front of the house and April gets out, along with her boyfriend, Steve (Billy Zane). Jay greets them)
April: Hi, Daddy.
NC (vo): Bradley's sister April arrives with her new boyfriend Steve, played by Billy...
(Cut to a clip of Demon Knight, showing Zane's character there, The Collector)
NC (vo): ..."you fuckin' hoedown Podunk, well, then, there, MOTHERFUCKER!"...
(Cut back to Critters, as Steve joins the family for dinner)
NC (vo): ...Zane. He's sporting an '80s V-neck and a '90s ponytail, so he's trash in two decades.
(Charlie fires a slingshot projectile at April's rear. She freaks out in reaction. But Brad grabs it away from Charlie as April comes running up to them in a rage at being hit)
NC (vo): Bradley gets in trouble, taking the rap for Charlie slingshotting his sister...
NC: Now, him I'd buy having a slingshot.
NC (vo): ...resulting in Bradley not getting any dinner.
(That night, at dinner, Steve is with the family for dinner)
April: Well, we should get going.
Jay: Hon, I kinda figured you'd want to watch me bowl tonight.
NC: (as Jay) We can stare silently at how humble I am afterwards.
(April and Steve go out to the barn to make out)
NC (vo; as April): Come on, let's make out where my parents can catch us.
(They start to make out there)
April: You're the most...
Steve: Oh, really?
NC: (as Steve) Well, if farmers' daughters stories have taught me anything, it's there's a wonderful surprise in store for me.
(In Brad's room, meanwhile, there is a knock)
Brad: Come in.
(The door opens, and it's his father bringing him his dinner)
NC (vo; as Jay): Mmm, time for your supper and your beatin'. Eh, I'm tired. Just beat yourself and I'll eat your supper.
Jay: Why are you always fighting with your sister?
Brad: How come you and Mom always take her side?
NC: (as Jay) Because you dress...
NC (vo; as Jay): ...more feminine than her!
NC: (as Jay) Eh, I should be more understanding.
(Cut to a clip of an episode of American Dad, where Steve Smith (voiced by Scott Grimes, Brad's portrayer) puts on slippers and a dress)
NC (vo; as Jay): I saw you trying to figure things out last night.
Steve: (looking at his appearance in the mirror) Well, I can't argue with the lines this creates.
(Cut back to Critters, as the Crites finally reach Earth, which has a very bluish tint to it for some reason)
NC (vo): The Crites arrive on Earth...which I think just tried (A shot of a blue Violet Beauregard in Willy Wonka is shown in the corner) Willy Wonka's gum...and land nearby.
(In the house, Helen is watching a music video on TV)
Announcer: And now for the number-one song of the week, Johnny Steele's "Power of the Night".
NC: Fun fact: This is the only song on the entire planet. (nods)
NC (vo): Yeah, it's literally the only thing that's ever on anywhere!
(A montage of the song is shown: on the TV, on a car radio, on the Crites' spaceship, and on Brad's bedroom radio. Back to the movie, Helen takes the remote and changes the station)
NC: The Room had more soundtrack variety!
(Brad sneaks out his window and onto the roof. He peaks around to another room, where his father is wearing a bowling shirt which has an image of a pink bowling pin (with a face on it) behind a no symbol (a la the Ghostbusters logo))
NC (vo): Before you drive yourself insane for an hour, that's a bowling pin on his shirt. Later in the movie, it's shown more clearly, but for a long time, you're asking yourself, "What the fuck is that?" Anorexic Kirby? A shaved Pink Panther? Slender Man on Pepto-Bismol? I'd forgive all of this if they went for the obvious name they should have given their team: (The following words pop up...) The Ball Busters. God help you if that's not the name of (A made-up poster for the made-up movie pops up: Critters 12: Ball Busters) Critters 12! So the Crites exit their ship and start looking for food. Looks like "dumbass cop" is on the menu.
(Said dumbass cop, Jeff, drives down the dark road, talking into his police communicator while doing so)
Jeff: Hey, sir. Hey, uh, how about we get some, uh, donuts and coffee after work, huh? Over.
NC: He may be a creeper, but he's a big spender. (nods)
(The Crites have caused Jeff's car crash, however, and then they eat him underneath the car, his body shaking as he is being devoured)
NC: Aw, shit! They're using their powers to...
NC (vo): ...persuade him to wiggle into their mouths! (A shot of Bride of the Monster is shown in the corner, showing Bela Lugosi being captured by octopus tentacles) I heard Lugosi went a similar way.
Crite 1: (looking like Johnny Steele) Transform.
Crite 2: Nothing likes me.
Crite 1: Find something.
NC: Honestly, it makes sense if he just went with a famous singer as well.
(A shot of the Crites is shown, with the second one taking on the appearance of a celebrity (is it Tyler Perry?) as well (edited in by NC))
NC (vo): There you go! That won't get any looks!
(The Crites start up Jeff's car, but there is an explosion in the car as they take off. Then we cut back to the farm)
NC (vo): Back at the house, the family is hearing all sorts of strange sounds.
(Jay is trying to call the police on the phone, but there is no sound)
Jay: This phone is dead.
NC (vo; as Jay): Yep, that's definitely Ghoulies.
(Suddenly, the room goes dark as the power goes out)
NC (vo): They go to check the circuit breaker when they finally come across the culprit.
(Shining his flashlight on the shelf, Jay spots something furry and wiggling. Jay reaches his hand out to touch it)
NC: Yeah, that looks safe to touch.
NC (vo): Let me try putting my balls in it next.
(Suddenly, as Jay touches the furry thing, it lunges at him. He quickly withdraws his hand and shines the light on the thing. It's one of the titular Critters)
NC (vo; as Jay): It's okay, honey, the Popples just expired!
(The Critter bites his leg, but he shakes it off)
NC (vo): He shakes it off as...
(We cut to the barn, where April and Steve are still making out during this whole time)
NC (vo): Good God! What has it been, an hour?!
NC: This is the longest walk to third base ever!
(They were listening to a tape player during this whole time (no doubt playing "Power of the Night", but it gets cut off by static. Steve reaches out to turn the tape player, when another Critter appears suddenly and bites down on the tape player before attacking Steve)
NC (vo; as this Critter): I'm tired of waiting! The English Patient got to the hot stuff faster than you did!
(Brad enters the barn)
April: (screaming) BRAD!!! BRAD, HELP!
(Brad runs towards his sister)
NC (vo; as Brad): Well, you don't have to yell!
(As April tries to fend off the attacking Critter with a metal pole, Brad takes out a firecracker, lights it and tosses it at the Critter. It lands near it)
NC (vo): He throws a firecracker at him and...
(The Critter grabs the lit firecracker and eats it)
NC: (rubbing his hands together excitedly) Ooh, this is gonna be good!
(In a scene out of a Looney Tunes cartoon, the firecracker explodes inside the Critter's stomach in, and it stands there, frozen, with smoke coming out of its mouth. Brad stares and the Critter falls over, dead. NC reacts with a look of disgust, but mostly disappointment)
NC: I guess it did technically surprise me, but... eh, I want to see that thing blow up. I'm going to a parallel universe.
(NC holds up a mirror. The glass flashes and the room distorts as NC is teleported to a parallel universe)
NC: (eagerly) Okay, let's see that scene again!
(The Critter eating the firecracker is shown again, but this time, the explosion blows it to bits)
NC: Yeah! See? Subverting expectations isn't always the answer!
(He holds up his mirror to go back to his own universe, but then stops in confusion and holds his cell phone close to his face)
NC: Search Rise of Skywalker review.
(He looks closely at his phone, which shows NC's review of Rise of Skywalker)
NC: (on screen) And that's how the new Star Wars trilogy got more and more epic with every passing film! (smiles)
NC: (looks up from phone) Huh. Glad it worked out somewhere.
(On that note, we go to a commercial break. Upon return from the break, the movie resumes in a church where a funeral is taking place)
NC (vo): So the two bounty hunters discreetly a nearby church...
(...by crashing the police car into a wall, bringing it down and getting everyone's attention inside)
NC (vo): (pointing in confusion) Precisely because that scene didn't need to happen, it needed to happen.
(The aliens enter the church in human form, holding guns, and spot the casket at the front of the church)
NC (vo): And they continue to look for their target.
Alien: We're here for the Crites.
NC (vo; as alien): I'm sorry, you've heard wrong: we have the Christ here, and I think you scared him away.
(The organ player, an elderly woman, faints at the sight of the two strangers, collapsing on the organ keys, playing several notes at once. One of the aliens fires a shot from his gun at the organ and one of the church attendants pulls the organ player out of the way just in time as the shot blows the organ to bits. Everyone screams in fright)
NC: (as alien) That wasn't "Power of the Night"!
(One of the aliens clutches at his chest, as if something came to him, and they leave the church, getting back in the police car to drive off)
NC (vo; as first alien): We got the answers we needed. (as second alien) You mean "boom, scream, boom"? (as first alien) Yes.
(Back at the family's house, Jay takes a gun down off the wall)
Helen: (hugging April and Brad, terrified) Jay, what are you doing?
NC: (as Jay, pretending to cock gun) We have to kill each other. I'll start with you three, then I'll kill myself. (as Helen) Well, couldn't we start with– (as Jay) No!
(The Critters appear and start attacking the family, starting with Jay)
NC (vo): They get attacked outside – or rather, the father gets attacked. I love how he's always the first one they go for! (Helen hits one of them with the butt end of the gun, knocking it away) But the mother croquets their asses and they get inside.
(Forced outside, the Critters discuss among themselves what happened)
Critter 1: (making noises, which are "translated" with subtitles) They have weapons.
Critter 2: (also making noises, also "translated") So what?
(The door opens a crack and Helen reaches the gun out through it and blasts one of the Critters to bits)
Critter 1: Fuck!
NC: I really wish she brought this bloodlust to E.T.
(A clip of E.T. is shown, with the title character running his finger across Elliot's forehead)
E.T.: I'll be right...
(He doesn't finish, however, as Helen's gun also reaches out and blasts him in the head, spurting blood everywhere. Meanwhile, the two bounty hunters arrive at a bowling alley, knocking the front door off its hinges as they do)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, back at the bowling alley, the bounty hunters continue to do, honestly, a terrible job.
(The patrons all stare as the two strangers walk slowly through the room)
NC: I love this guy in the...
(The camera zooms in on one patron in particular, who is wearing a bright orange shirt with sparkles on it)
NC (vo): ...sparkling orange shirt that's like, "What a bunch of fuckin' weirdos!"
(One of the bounty hunters picks up a bowling ball and stares at it. Then he throws at one set of bowling pins so hard that he actually smashes some of the pins to bits. The patrons are stunned)
Patron: Holy shit!
NC: (facepalming himself) This is the greatest movie ever made.
NC (vo): I especially love how the other guy is looking like George Costanza melted into Kevin Pollak. If the rest of the movie was just these two walking around, I'd have no complaints.
(The two bounty hunters walk into a bar in the bowling alley, with a pool table in it)
Patron: (seeing the hunters) It ain't Halloween, is it?
NC (as this patron): You remind me of the babe.
(They fire a shot at the TV in the room, blasting shards of glass everywhere. Everyone freaks out and runs out of the bar and bowling alley)
NC (vo): These guys are as subtle as a circumcision with a chainsaw!
NC: How do they find anybody?!
NC (vo): Back at the house, the family starts to snap at each other, due to the stress of the pack Tribbles.
Helen: (to Brad) Why don't you go check the windows?
Brad: I already did.
Helen: (suddenly screaming) WELL, CHECK THEM AGAIN!!! (Brad is startled)
NC: Damn! That went from one to "fuck you" in a millisecond!
Helen: WELL, CHECK THEM AGAIN!!!
NC: Well, somebody's self-quarantined.
NC (vo): Bradley suggests going out on his own to get his own, but not only does the family agree to it, the sister seems almost happy about it.
April: (smiling) See ya.
NC (vo; as April): All right, let's talk allowance. His half is mine now, right? (normal) But one of the Critters pushes his bike over, rendering it useless! (Brad runs over to a chicken coop and tries to open it, but runs when the Critter gives chase) His army of chickens will come to his aid! Or maybe that should have been edited out. Wh-What was that?
(Inside the house, the Critters start trashing the house, with one putting its face in a fish tank and drinking the water and eating the fish, and others tearing pillows to shreds, sending pillow stuffing everywhere)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, the Critters start partying in the house, because despite this being written before Gremlins, this was probably put in because of Gremlins.
(One Critter is seen growling at a doll of E.T.)
Critter: (its growls "translated" via subtitles) Who are you?
NC (vo; as E.T.): I'm an in-joke that works on too many levels.
(The Critter tears the E.T. doll's head off. Meanwhile, Brad runs out into the middle of the street, with the police car, driven by the two bounty hunters coming toward him. He waves his arms to get their attention)
NC (vo): Bradley comes across the bounty hunters, though, and leads them to the house.
(Arriving at the house, they fire a shot at the door with their bazookas, blowing up the front of the house. They then walk through the burning wreckage and enter the house)
NC (vo; as Helen): Wipe your feet!
(Sheriff Harv enters the house as well, and spots one of the bounty hunters, who looks like Charlie)
Harv: Charlie, what are you doing?
(The bounty hunter turns to him and lifts him into the air with ease)
NC: (as the bounty hunter) Don't fuck with us. We've taken down...
(As we cut back to the movie, shots of the following are superimposed...)
(The family runs out of the house with the hunters and spots Harv lying on the ground)
Brad: Where's April?!
Harv: (stammering) They just grabbed! I-I-I couldn't do it! It-It was huge!
NC (vo; as bounty hunter): What are you, drunk? (as Harv) No, I'm just M. Emmet Walsh. (normal) So, to put it bluntly... (A shot of April O'Neil of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fame appears; speaks in unison with the Turtles) We've gotta save April! ...as the boy continues to do all the work and goes after his sister. Thankfully, Charlie is there to help as well. Good, he'll need upon sacrifice.
Charlie: What'd they do with Lieut. Day?
(He and Bradley penetrate the Crite ship and light one of his firecrackers in it)
NC (vo): Bradley sneaks inside and saves his sister while also preparing to blow up their ship. But joke's on them as the Crites blow up their home first.
(The Crites don't just blow up their home, they level it in an apocalyptic fashion, with a gigantic fireball of an explosion, leaving almost nothing left but splinters)
NC: (stunned) Okay, for a movie whose effects...
NC (vo): ...look like Langolier sock puppets...
NC: ...that was a damn good explosion.
NC (vo): So good they use the exact same one for when the ship blows up.
NC: Yeah, I swear I'm not editing these two clips together. This is how it's presented...
(One of the Critters notice the firecracker and freak out as the ship takes off. The firecracker explodes, blowing up the ship, also in a gigantic fireball of an explosion, which in turn further levels more of the family farm)
NC (vo): It was like a cherry bomb in the sky; now it's an a-bomb on the ground! I'll take it; fire is fire.
(The family is speechless as their home has been destroyed. Brad hugs his crying mother)
NC (vo; as Jay): I know, honey. I lost my porn stash, too. The bounty hunters leave a communicator before they go, which happily has the power to reverse the film.
(The wreckage of the family farm is miraculously reversed by the communicator, as good as new. The family stares)
NC (vo; as one of the family members): Wow, we're remarkably underwhelmed by that.
(Brad reaches into the mailbox and pulls out...a cat)
NC: (as Brad) Aw, we're you being sent to Abu Dhabi again?
(Sheriff Harv starts up his car and drives off)
NC (vo; as Harv): Well, my work here is done. Time to be useless somewhere else. (normal) So everything seems fine and good and... (The camera pans toward the chicken coop) Wait a minute. (A fishing hook with a worm on it, reading "SEQUEL", drops down) Come on, sequel, you know you wanna. Come on, come on, you know you wanna! (The camera arrives at the coop, where several Crite eggs have been laid) We got a bite!
(The sound of a Critter inside one of the eggs is heard as it shakes slightly)
NC: (looks around shiftily) Unless those are ostrich turds, which... (shrugs) I wouldn't mind seeing a movie on how those got there, too.
(Footage of the movie is shown one last time as NC gives his final thoughts on it)
NC (vo): Critters is...respectably stupid. It came out at just the right time and stuck just the right tone, having a similar feel to a lot of those small '80s monsters movies, but still has enough of an identity to be its own thing. My only complaint? I know it's gonna sound weird, but...I could've used even more silliness. When you see a movie starting like this, (The bounty hunters in their alien forms are shown again) you expect it to go even more all-out. But to their credit, that's what sequels are for, and the second one does go even bigger and goofier like a proper sequel should. And yeah, my guess is, the budget for this wasn't huge, and they made do with what they could, so for what they put together, it's a ton of fun. Roll on in and have a ball. This is a wonderfully dumb good time.
NC: And don't forget to (holds up the Lil' Shit doll from earlier) buy Lil' Shit, still available wherever people don't know any better! Check out these happy customers!
(Cut to the boy (played by Malcolm), who is lying on the ground, but struggles to give a bloody thumbs-up to the camera)
NC: (awkwardly) Well...what about our other happy customer?
(Cut to a shot of a graveyard, where apparently the other happy customer (played by Tamara) is buried)
NC: You know, some kids play too rough. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember–
(He doesn't get to finish his sign-off, however, as the Lil' Shit suddenly attacks him. The screen goes black as NC is heard screaming and the Lil' Shit is heard growling)
NC (vo): So cute. (screams some more as Lil' Shit growls some more)
Channel Awesome tagline – Helen: WELL, CHECK THEM AGAIN!!!
(The credits roll)