Critic and Nerd: TMNT Making of Coming Out of Their Shells

(We open to an 80s sitcom-esque opening featuring still photographs of the Nostalgia Critic and Angry Video Game Nerd, as we then cut to our two hosts sitting at a table in front of a city backdrop and holding coffee mugs)

NC: Hello, and welcome to the Angry Video Game Nerd - Nostalgia Critic review!

AVGN: And boy do we have some great fun planned today. Don't we, Critic?

NC: We sure do, Nerd. Ah ha ha!

(They clink their mugs together and drink as we hear a laugh track)

NC: So let's not waste any time. I'll bet a lot of you are wondering what we're going to review.

Cut to clips of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles films with the theme music playing in the back.

AVGN (vo): Well, as you guys probably know, we were both huge Ninja Turtles fans and seeing as we both reviewed every single one of the movies, it only figures that we should collaborate on something that's Ninja Turtles related.

AVGN: And boy do we have the biggest piece of shit fucking ...

NC: Cock blowing ...

AVGN: Horse rapping ...

NC: Splooge drinking ...

AVGN: Anal clogging ...

NC: Monkey jerking ...

AVGN: Dick knocking ...

Both: BIGGEST PIECE OF COW DIARRHEA WE HAVE EVER SEEN! Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Coming Out of Our Shells Tour!

AVGN: More like coming out of their ASS!!!

Clips of the cassette tape start playing

NC (vo): Believe it or not, there was actually a time when the Ninja Turtles were SO big that they actually had their own rock band put together. I am DEAD SERIOUS.

AVGN (vo): Dead fucking serious! It was people dressed up in costumes, running around on stage and performing some of the worst songs you've ever heard in your fucking life. I mean they were awful.

NC (vo): And at the height of this musical ass-fisting, there came a video showing us a behind-the-scenes look at the bands creative abilities simply entitled "The MAKING of The Coming Out of Our Shells Tour." Look at the size of Mikey's head. It looks like a child molesting alien.

AVGN (vo): And it wouldn't be so bad if they were just showing us how they put the costumes together or how the mechanics of them work. But no. They stay in character the whole fucking time. Every single moment, we're supposed to believe that nobody has a problem with giant mutated turtles walking around. It's just another day at the office for them.

NC: This is pretty much the worst thing to ever have the Ninja Turtles name on it.

AVGN: This is even worse than Ninja Turtles 3.

(They both shiver and perform the Holy Cross on themselves)

NC: In fact. Why the hell do we have this pleasant backdrop? Let's get something else back there.

(City backdrop switches to a fiery background with a ninja turtle skull and crossbone)

NC: Much better!

AVGN: So anyway. Why is this disgrace a fucking letdown of mutated proportions? Well lets hold on to our vomit bags and lets find out.

AVGN (vo): I'm not ashamed to admit that I had the cassette tape and I listened to it all the time. Well, yeah, I am ashamed, but I'm making up for it now hopefully.

NC (vo): So it starts off at the Radio City Music Hall of all places as the Turtles are apparently playing a concert that night.

AVGN (vo): Look at all those fans waiting to be disappointed! They probably should've watched this video first. That would've scared them away for good.

NC (vo): And look. It's April. It has to be her because she's wearing yellow. You can give her any face or hair style you want. As long as she's wearing yellow, their fucking little brains will buy it.

Kids: Cowabunga!

April: All right!

Michelangelo: When did it all start? Well, it all started a long time ago...

NC: Oh my god!

AVGN: What the hell is that?

NC: That's PUTRID!

AVGN: That's heinously anus!

NC (vo): You see better animatronics at Chuck E Cheese. This can't be for real.

Raphael: Stop goofing around. He wants to know about the music.

Mikey: No duh. Just chill out, Raph.

AVGN (vo): Yeah, I guess their mouth don't have to close all the way. Do they?

(We see the two mimic the same kind of dialogue)

AVGN: Hey. Critic! You talk like this all the time, don't ya?

NC: Sure do, Nerd! Why would it be otherwise?

AVGN (vo): So I guess they talk about they put the band together or what was their musical inspiration.

Mikey: See, OK. Raph and I were waiting for this pizza to be delivered, see?

Raph: Yeah, you know, and I was just banging on some sewer pipes.

Both NC and Nerd: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

AVGN: I don't know what he's talking about. Banging on pipes?

NC: That is fucking gross!

NC as Mikey: Well you know we gotta get our sexual aggression out some how. Lord knows we're surrounded by pipes and a hot chick in a jumpsuit that we can't touch because, you know, we're fucking turtles, so you make due with what you got.

Nerd as Raph: Yeah, we're horny in a halfshell.

Raph: When, all of a sudden we realized. We were making music.

AVGN (vo): I can't even tell which one is which. Both their masks look red. Are they both supposed to be Raph?

Raph: All right, let's get this.

Mikey: Awesome, I'm ready to go.

AVGN (vo): Yeah. Bet you didn't know they were ventriloquist too, did you? Look at that. Their lips don't even move once.

Mikey?: Totally break a shell, man!

NC (vo): Wow, it looks like the masters of ninjitsu are having a little trouble getting into their spots. They suddenly became geriatric Ninja Turtles.

AVGN (vo): Not only that. Are they GRABBING THEIR BUTTS?! What the hell? They're gropping turtle asses? That's just fucking gross.

Announcer: Give it up for Don, Raph, Mike, and Leo!

NC (vo): So we see them get up on stage and finally perform for all the kids. In fact, they're so good that the music actually starts playing BEFORE they start playing their instruments.

(Clip of the turtles pathetic attempt at singing)

NC (vo): Look at this, how did go from their mouths never opening to their mouths never closing? These guys are making Milli Vanilli look good.

AVGN (vo): God this is horrible. Their lip-syncing is so bad, you could put anything over it like fucking Slayer.

(Clip plays with heavy rock music)

NC (vo): We then get back to the documentary where the turtles' producer comes out to talk to us, or at least he says he's their producer, but I don't see any fucking devil horns.

Steven Leber: Bob told me about this group, the Ninja Turtles. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. And I couldn't believe that they were going to sing.

Subtitle: Neither could we.

Leber: Bob brought me down and what I saw was incredible. It was the most unbelievable best new rock and roll band I've ever seen. And of course we've managed some of the biggest rock and roll bands in the world: Aerosmith, AC/DC.

AVGN (vo): Wow! They're really comparing them to Aerosmith and AC/DC? Wow, that's pretty ballsy guys.

Bob Bejan: Because these guys are like they're truly a band in the best sense of the word because they're, you know, brothers and together forever, and the music really relects that.

NC: We didn't care that were hideous mutated creatures. We worked with Courtney Love, for crying out loud.

Man: Bob respects the turtles a great deal and he really wanted so much to let this be their record and I think it really pulled off to let them be themselves and I think it really worked well.

AVGN (vo): They're NOT REAL! Stop acting like they're FUCKING REAL!

NC (vo): They don't even look like the REAL Ninja Turtles. They look like Ninja Frogs. You're listening to frogs. IT'S ALL A LIE!

Billy Brill: Madonna will go into therapy when she sees this video. It's going to drive her crazy. You don't know what to expect in any group and any video. I think this group and this album is going to be around for a long time. I wouldn't be surprised if they won a Grammy or an American Music Award. It's not going to surprise me at all.

AVGN (vo): What a schmuck! OK, so we don't have any trouble believing that there's four turtles on stage playing music, but now they feel the need to justify how they can only play with three fingers. If we can believe that there's four turtles up on stage playing music, I don't think we're gonna have much trouble believing that they have three FUCKING fingers.

Man: Donatello plays guitar with only three strings, so um he can do some amazing things ... but uh Leonardo plays a one string bass which is great and has an amazing sound.

(WHAAAA?!)

NC and AVGN: HOW THE FUCK IS THAT POSSIBLE?!

NC (vo): YOU CANNOT PLAY BASS WITH JUST ONE STRING ON YOUR GUITAR!!! THAT'S LIKE TRYING TO PLAY TENNIS WITH JUST ONE STRING ON YOUR RACQUET!!! IT DOESN'T WORK!!!

Turtles: We're the turtles. You can count on us.

NC (vo): Has anyone noticed by the way that this is all starting to sound like Christian rock music because you know, that wasn't lame enough?

NC as Raph: And now I want to talk to you about this other dude I know.

AVGN as another turtle: Who's that, Raph?

NC as Raph: A totally gnarly dude named Jesus. He died for our sins and that's AWESOME.

AVGN as another turtle: Jesus rocks dude!

Subtitle: Cowa-lujah!

AVGN (vo): We then get this mystical scene where we see Splinter explain to the turtles all the ancient ways of rock and roll. God, this is lame!

Splinter: You must all keep growing and keep finding yourselves. I hear you sing and this is good.

NC and AVGN as the Turtles: Duuuuuh! Duuuuuuh!

Splinter: You can make a difference!

AVGN (vo): Why the fuck does he look like roadkill? He looks like road that's been killed more than in Ninja Turtles 3

NC: What does that mean?

AVGN: It means like road that's been killed or killed death... I don't know, it just means I'm angry!

Splinter: Take your music to all who will listen.

NC (vo): God, this is making the Country Bear Jamboree look like Metallica. It's just painful.

Mikey: Well, you know. At first, I don't think Splinter was really into the music thing and we sure thought we were going to be in it at all.

Raph: Whoa, and if you could've heard us at first, man. We were bad like "Thank you dude. Next."

AVGN: Yeah, not like now. Now, we're fucking awesome.

NC: We're incredible.

AVGN: We're like gods.

NC: We played for the Pope.

Raph: Yeah, like Splinter tells us all the time: You can accomplish more with music than you can with any pair of nunchucks.

Mikey: Totally dude

Raph: Yeah. Bodacious.

Mikey: Radical.

Raph: Happenin'.

Mikey: Hangin high, home boy!

NC (vo): I think they just give up on sentences and started spouting random words.

NC: Excellent!

AVGN: Awesome!

NC: Radical!

AVGN: Tubular!

NC: Paper!

AVGN: Olive Garden!

NC: The Alphabet!

AVGN: Goat cheese!

Both: Yeah!

Leonardo: Once we started in the studio and started working on the record, I began to see that I had musical abilities that my other brothers didn't have.

NC (vo): Is it me or do all these turtles have the exact same voice?

AVGN (vo): I think they just paid one asshole to do the whole thing.

NC (vo): That's not surprising.

Mikey: Yo dudes. We had not idea how much work we were going to do to put on a show.

AVGN (vo): What's going on with Raph over there?

NC as Raph: Dude, I am so wasted!

Raph: Whoa, cowabunga dude!

NC: Why do I see this turning into a Joaquin Phoenix scenario?

David Letterman: I'm sorry you couldn't be here tonight.

NC (vo): So we also see that Donatello likes to help people out backstage which mainly consists of him kjust walking around and saying "Yo!" Oh wait, there is one scene where he hands a guy a power cord.

NC as Don: Well, my work here is done. Time to get rip roar and drunk.

AVGN (vo): So then the turtles go to a press conference. Honest to god, a press conference like they're taking this thing that seriously. A bunch of kids show up to see their heroes sell out. All these kids are just eating out of those turtles' anuses.

NC: This is like Spinal Tap, only not funny.

AVGN: More like Spinal Crap.

(They then slowly sip from their mugs, put them down, and wipe their mouths at the same time)

Bob: Uh, we're ready to come out of our shells and we're excited about opening here in a North American Radio City. We've been practicing for a year because they didn't want to perform until they were really ready to play, and we had to make all new instruments. Michelangelo has to play with three fingers tuned to an open E 'cause it's hard to do anything with our chords...

AVGN (vo): Who gives a shit? Show them the turtles, you fucking douche! Nobody wants to hear about the technical side of everything. They just want the FUCKING MUSIC!

NC (vo): So the turtles finally come out to thunderous praise. ... Good god, those kids look so bored. Some of them aren't even looking up. They actually find the FLOOR more engaging than the giant green reptiles. You have to suck pretty hard for that to happen.

Raph: All right, dudes, we're outta here.

Don: Cowabunga, dudes.

AVGN (vo): We then see the turtles performing on top of the Radio City Music Hall. Look at all those starstruck fans who were just blown away by this musical event! We see people walking by and not even looking up. I mean, even I would look up if I was walking by Radio City Music Hall and saw four fucking reptiles playing music. Maybe once. Maybe twice. Maybe for half a second. I'd look FUCKING UP!

NC (vo): They even changed the names of the streets in their honor. How confusing must that have been?

AVGN: Excuse me, can you tell me how to get to Cowabunga Corner?

NC: Oh certainly. It's right off of Bodacious Boulevard.

AVGN: The hell kinda city is this?

NC: A fucking weird one.

NC (vo): And then, if you think their rap song with Vanilla Ice was bad, just get a load of this.

(The two go crazy over the turtles' horrible rapping with even more horrible lyrics)

NC (vo): Hey! MC Hammer called. He's being outsucked.

AVGN (vo): I like this one scene where Donatello just gives up and walks off the stage. He's like "Fuck this man. This shit is the worse."

NC (vo): I wonder how many crimes they could be stopping right now. But hey, why would you want to worry about that when you have giant surfing alligators to dance with. ... Wait, what?

(That's right, surfing alligators. You know what that means?)

BIG LIPPED ALLIGATOR MOMENT!

AVGN (vo): And you gotta love this surfboard choreography they have.

NC (vo): Yeah. I'll bet it took them a whole minute to figure those dance moves out.

(The two then decide to surf on their chairs)

AVGN (vo): In fact, none of the staging makes sense. There's a scene where a kid just skateboards across the stage. Why? Did he get lost or something? Maybe he made a wrong turn at Bodacious Boulevard. Who was that kid? Fucking bastard. Where's security when you need it? There's a kid skateboarding across the stage.

NC (vo): Actually, one of the strangest things is how they talk about how the turtles is bringing a message to the people but they never explain what the hell the message is.

(We hear various people talking about the music and its "message")

Subtitle: WHAT MESSAGE???

AVGN: Eat fatting pizza?

NC: Annoy your parents by playing loud instruments?

AVGN: No, no. We know what the real message is.

Both: BUY OUR FUCKING PRODUCTS!

Turtles: Hey. I thought this was a non-smoking section

(We then see our infamous Turtles villain, the Shredder, in a really ridiculous getup)

Shredder: Turtles. There you are.

AVGN (vo): OH, MY GOD, THAT IS THE WORST SHREDDER I'VE EVER SEEN!!! What is it? Iron Chef Shredder?

NC (vo): Hey. Where'd you get that costume from? Target or Wal-Mart?

Mikey: This is our party and your name is not on the guest list.

Shredder: No. You're wrong, turtle. This is my party, and I'll make you cry ...

NC (vo): Huh. This must've been when the Shredder had nothing better to do. Is crashing parties really the height of evil doings?

Mikey: Splinter. The Shredder can't really take all the music in the world away. Can he?

NC (vo): But thank god, April is there to sing a motivational song to get the turtles moral going again. And then the credits roll.

AVGN (vo): What?

NC (vo): Yeah, it doesn't even end. It just sorta stop, like the editors said "fuck this shit. I'm done" and ran off the project.

AVGN (vo): Well, good, at least the video's over and we don't have to listen to any more music. Right?

(Actually the video is still going)

AVGN (vo): Right? What the fuck, dude? You just showed the credits. What the hell else is there to show?

NC (vo): Oh my god. IT'S NEVER GOING TO END!

Turtles: We're the turtles. You can count on us.

AVGN (vo): You can count on us? Oh you sure can. You can count on us to be totally fucking obnoxious.

(The turtles continue to sing while the two beg for them to shut up)

(In the last scene, we see Splinter appear on the dark stage)

NC and AVGN: ... ...

Splinter: They are definately happening, musically.

NC and AVGN: WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?!

NC (vo): What can say about this? It's the worst. There is nothing worse. I have never seen anything with the Turtles name on it that has sucked this hard.

AVGN (vo): This pretentious and ponderous collection of reptilian rock songs is enough to prompt the question: What day did the lord create the Ninja Turtles Coming Out of Our Shell Tour? And could he have not rested on that day too?

NC: And then to roll the end credits making us think its over and then just having more crap at the end. That's the biggest insult of all.

AVGN: Cowabunga!

Both: COWA-BUNCH-OF-DICK-CHEESE!

NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic.

AVGN: And I'm the fucking Nerd.

NC: I remember it so you don't have to.

AVGN: And I ... shit on your mom's face.

(The credits roll)

(And then we see the two sitting in their chairs as the Nerd plays with one of his pens, flings it at the Critic and the two start fighting again)