Cricket on the Hearth Part 2
December 21, 2014
Phelous: Welcome back to the Christmas special sponsored by bug spray!
The title card for the review comes up, as well as the main theme of the special playing in the background.
Phelous: One of the classic what-ifs is what if Scrooge had been in charge of a toy store? Oh, wait. No it's not.
Tackleton: Plummer, you're using entirely too much paint on the dolls' faces!
Caleb: Just trying to give them nice smiles.
Phelous: *voiceover, sarcastic* Smiles, yes... clearly where the majority of all paint goes on toys.
Tackleton: Paint costs money!
Phelous: You know what else costs money? People not buying your unpainted piles of crap! *voiceover* Wow, Charles Dickens, a greedy miser character? *sarcastic* Sure hope the spirit of Christmas teaches him a lesson.
Cut to Phelous sitting in silence and awkwardly adjusting his tie.
Phelous: That's not helping at all.
Cricket: *narrating* Every night, me and him would sneak in and fix them up proper.
Phelous: *voiceover* Of course, Tackleton saw that, since it's kind of hard to miss without selling them, and Caleb was fired immediately. *as Cricket* Last I saw, old Caleb and blind bitch Bertha was on their way to the poor house while I moved in to their old place. I'm so lucky.
Outside, Caleb accidentally bumps into a familiar-looking old man. And no, it's not Beauty's father from Goodtimes' "Beauty and the Beast".
Caleb: Ooh, excuse me, sir.
Phelous: *voiceover, as Caleb* Oh! Hello, sir, you've two colors of hair, too! Did you go to tackytoupees.com as well? You should move in with us!
Phelous: No, seriously, he does that.
Caleb: Oh, you must come home with me.
Phelous: *voiceover* So, which stray pick-up was weirder for you, the insect or the super-real hair man?
Cricket: *narrating* He was a funny, quiet sort of fellow, just sat there looking at Bertha with them sad, old eyes.
Phelous: *voiceover, as Bertha* So... why do you smell exactly like my fiancé? *as the "old man"* Oh, bollocks. I thought I rolled around in enough shit to cover my scent. *as Bertha* No, that's exactly why I smelt it was you.
Cut to a close up of the "old man" with the same bulging eyes and gaping mouth as before, complete with Phelous exclaiming.
Bertha: We're so glad you could stay with us.
"Old Man": Oh, it's my pleasure indeed... Bertha.
Bertha gasps at the familiar tonality of her name being spoken.
Phelous: *feigning surprise* Who is that man in the 25-cent beard? *normal* Come on! *voiceover* And does her father seriously not see this, or would that mean admitting something about his own toupee and he just can't do that?
Cut to a time portal materializing in the sky and Aladdin (from "Aladdin and the Adventure of All Time") falling from the portal. Immediately after, Aladdin switches places with the "old man" and is now wearing his outfit.
Phelous: *as Aladdin* Oh, boy.
A rectangle of light emerges from the ground as Paige (another character from the film) exits from it.
Phelous: *voiceover, as Paige* Aladdin, do something! *As Aladdin* Uh, yeah. What exactly am I supposed to do, Paige? *as Paige* Oh, this should be an easy one! According to Wordsworth, all you have to do is take your fake beard off and end this pointlessness. *as Wordsworth* What? That's not what I said at all! *as Aladdin* That's it? Really? That'll solve all the problems here? OK.
Cut to Cricket Crockett once again holding a pistol.
Phelous: *voiceover, as Cricket* Oh, I don't think so. If anyone is going to bullocks-up Christmas around here, it's Cricket Crockett!
He shoots Aladdin, and he and Paige start fading from existence.
Phelous: *voiceover, as Paige* What have you done?! I swear we'll find you...!
The "old man" returns to normal.
Phelous: *voiceover, as the "old man"* Um... I think I just ruined my underwear.
Caleb: Well, we're all one family!
Phelous: *voiceover* Yes! You, me, bum off the street, and a bug, family! Which reminds me a lot of Jesus's birth, which did you know took place right beside a cliff? Also, Jesus's head was an excellent lamp.
The next song finishes playing, which judging by the crescendo finish, you'd assume the movie's already over.
Phelous: The end!... right? What the hell was that?
Surprisingly, the movie's still going as it's now the 24th of December.
Cricket: *narrating* Well, the following day it was Christmas eve. Ooh, and we were really busy.
Caleb and Bertha continue building toys to wacky sound effects playing in the background.
Phelous: *voiceover, flatly and slowly* Wow, this mundane toy-making sure is wacky.
Tackleton: This is a lonely, old place for me, and I finally decided that what I need is a wife.
Phelous: *voiceover, as Caleb* But, sir! I'm your employee! It's against the rul- oh... Oh... *normal voice* So Bertha naturally tells him, "Yeah, sure. Why not?" She's not catching another husband with that twisted spine. Caleb takes the news well, as he slides down to Hell. Yeah, it might not look like he's quite gone that far, but...
Fade to a photograph featuring a younger Caleb and Bertha as a little girl, the video performing another extreme close-up on her eyes while ominous music plays in the background.
Phelous: *uneasy* I... saw the end of the world in her eyes... *voiceover* No need to feel sorry for Bertha! If you ever did, she was clearly always a demon, though she made terrible misuse of her powers by just having stupid stuff happen like herself and Edward riding giant pies.
Phelous: It was the 60s. You know...
Bertha: *singing* Yesterday...
Phelous: *voiceover* Time of death, 3:05 PM.
Bertha: I have happy news, sir!
"Old Man": And... I have something to tell you. I've waited too long.
Bertha: *chuckles* No, no, no, let me tell my news first. The most wonderful man in the whole world has asked me to be his wife!
Phelous: *voiceover, as the "old man"* I don't know why I'm so stupid. I'll just be leaving. *as Cricket* Really dodged a bullet on that one, huh, blind Bertha?
Bertha: Why, Cricket, what a thing to say.
Caleb: What's wrong with the old fellow?
Phelous: *voiceover, as Cricket* D'oh, he's just upset no one saw through his obvious disguise. He's going to town to get an "I'm Edward" sign. *as Caleb* Oh... I wonder what that means. *normal voice* Anywho, Cricket Crockett has finally decided to be a little proactive with his luck-spreading, so he calls in his goon squad to sabotage Bertha's acceptance of "bird-head's" marriage proposal.
Phelous: *sarcastic* Pfff, women! They can't make decisions on their own! Best leave the decision-making to the insects.
Tackleton runs out of the room, sneezing due to all the pepper.
Tackleton: It was that cricket who made a fool of me!
Phelous: If you ever hear yourself mutter those words, it's time to seriously re-evaluate your life.
Tackleton: Uriah, get rid of him once and for all. Get professional help!
Phelous: *voiceover* Professional help? Are you asking the bird to call the exterminators, and now you do actually talk to the bird? Why didn't you listen to what he was doing earlier? The cricket still being alive is your fault!
Tackleton: I want that cricket... eliminated.
Phelous: *voiceover* Squash him then, dude. It's not that hard.
Uriah flies into a pipe, accompanied by the sound of a entering a warp pipe in Super Mario Brothers, leading him to a bar filled with anthropomorphic creatures. Just then, a voluptuous, tan cat wearing a red dress appears on stage. Cut to Phelous with a look of shock on his face.
Moll (the singing cat): *singing* Diamond spurs and ocean trips
They don't go with tuppence tips
Don't feed me champagne talk
When we're eating fish and chips
Phelous: *cringing, slowly* Sexy... cat... song? NO!
Moll: *singing* Half-a-pints and smokey kips
Were never meant to touch my lips
Don't speak those flatt'rin words
When we're eating fish and chips
Phelous: *in disbelief* Did we... seriously just... fly into a different movie? What is going on?! *voiceover, singing as Moll* Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, all night long in bed, baby... *normal voice* We've had some talking animals, that's one thing, but to go over to an animal society with a night club is another.
The video zooms in on a stork character in the background.
Phelous: *voiceover, sarcastic* See, this stork is having none of it. He's just waiting for some Vlasic pickle cereal.
Cut to a fake box of Vlasic Pickle Crunch cereal.
Phelous: *sarcastic* Ha ha, I sure shoehorned that in!
Tackleton: What's this?