Countdown Part 2
July 13, 2009
Do you think there's an alternate earth where this series didn't completely suck?
(Open on Harvey Finevoice)
Harvey: Okay, previously on Atop the Fourth Wall...
(Cut to the Nostalgia Critic, who looks shocked)
NC: My God. It was you... all along...
(Cut to Chester A. Bum)
Chester: Yes, I hijackeded all the nuclear weapons of the world, and now I have them at my disposal!
NC: Why? Why did you do it?
Chester: Oh, I'm just a bum. A bum who wants to take over the world. (laughs evilly)
NC: You know, that's not an everyday occurrence.
Chester: (stops laughing abruptly) What?
(Cut to Linkara confronting the Phantasm)
Linkara: Damn you, Phantasm! We just had a "previously on" segment a few weeks ago! Why are we doing another one?!
(Cut back to NC and Chester)
NC: Well, you say, you know, "Just a bum who wants to take over the world". You know, it's not like, "Hey, that's just a paperboy". There's tons of those. No, no, that's very, very rare.
Chester: (confused) What do you mean?
NC: Like, "Hey! I'm a psychotic transvestite who likes to rub my feet in butter." You know, (the next bit of dialogue overlaps with the following from Chester below) just one of those. You know, I've seen like a million them walking down the street. "Oh, hey, another transvestite who kills people and likes to rub their feet in butter!" And, "Hey, that one's name is Bob!"
Chester: (overlapping with NC above) I don't think that's, uh, totally uncommon... I mean, that's kinda the idea, actually. It was, like, you know, uh, irony... You know, uh, I don't know if you if it is... (the overlapping stops as Chester becomes angry and holds up a remote control) Oh, shut up and look at this!
(Cut to Linkara)
Linkara: "Countdown" is danger, a disease wrapped in darkness, silence...
(Cut to Dr. Insano)
Dr. Insano: (nervously) He's coming for you, Linkara! HE'S COMING FOR YOU! (giggles crazily, then falls over)
(Cut to NC again)
NC: What's that?
Chester: This is the remote control that will let me blow up any missile in the world.
NC: You're mad!
Chester: Am I? Am I?
NC: ...Yes! Very mad!
(Cut back to Harvey)
Harvey: I've been sitting here for hours! Why the hell isn't anyone giving me my paycheck? I got dames to smooch!
(Cut to Film Brain)
Film Brain: (looking up) Equilibrium is brilliant and (?) is God!
Linkara: My God! Film Brian, they've gotten to you!
Film Brain: Hey, it's Film Brain. (giggles crazily)
(Cut back to Chester and NC)
Chester: Perhaps it is you who are mad.
NC: No, no, it's definitely you.
Chester: You know what? You're just rude.
(The next bit overlaps between NC and Chester)
NC: It's like, you know, hey, (holds up left hand) here's the sane people and then (holds up right hand) here's you. You know, it's like you're over here, and here's the sane people over here...
Chester: I mean, you're obnoxious! I just can't believe how annoying you are. You just keep talking and talking. And maybe you can do something nice contribute something to society...?
(NC and Chester continue to argue inaudibly, with NC making an explosion sound at one point; cut back to Linkara)
Linkara: (aiming his magic gun offscreen) You're not taking over my show, Continuity Alarm! You just stay back! STAY BACK!!
(Cut to 2D Lee)
2D Lee: The future! It's horrible, Linkara! Everybody went to see the Youngblood movie, and we all got... (removes sunglasses to reveal dull white eyes) ...the disease!
(Cut back to Chester and NC)
Chester: What do you think of Hollywood?
NC: Hollywood? Well, that's where all the great movies are made.
Chester: Well, how would you feel if it just... disappeared?
(Chester pushes a button on the remote. Cut to the Hollywood Hills with the Hollywood sign, where there is an explosion that destroys Hollywood)
Chester: (laughs insanely) And tell me, what do you think about Rome?
NC: Rome?! It's the birthplace of culture!
Chester: Not anymore!
(Chester pushes another button on his remote, blowing up Rome, as evidenced by the Coliseum being blown up)
NC: (crying) NOOOOO!!
Chester: (giggles evilly) And tell me, what do you think of France?
NC: (calmer) It's okay.
(Chester pushes another button on his remote, blowing up France, as evidenced by an explosion engulfing the Eiffel Tower; NC screams and cries in such a high pitch as to sound like a little girl and Chester laughs evilly; cut back to Harvey once more)
Harvey: And now, the conclusion. (rolls eyes and shakes head) Las Vegas... This is the thanks I get for it. (gets up and leaves)
(Editor's note: "And yet all of that still made more sense than Countdown.")
(The title sequence plays, followed by the title card for this episode, set to "Dead End, Countdown" by the New Cities; cut to Linkara sitting on the futon)
Linkara: (exhales) So, where were we? Oh, right, the chimera of crappy comics that is "Countdown"! I love alliteration.
Linkara (v/o): Now, I may have misrepresented this book a little in last week's episode, and given the impression that the storylines move much quicker than they do, the fact is, they don't. For the sake of your collective sanities, I summarized each plotline into its own section. In the actual book, it wasn't like that. If you were lucky, you'd get maybe three pages of one plotline, and maybe one more plotline taking focus, but they usually touched on most of the plots in each issue. That means we get stupid crap like the Karate Kid parts that don't in any way flow in a narrative fashion from one issue to the next. And interspersed with that are lots of scenes of the Monitors bitching to each other about doing something.
Linkara: Now, get this: we're halfway through the series, and we know NOTHING.
Linkara (v/o): We know a Great Disaster is coming; we know Granny Goodness is trying to make Female Furies; we know Mary Marvel is an idiot and evil now; we know the Trickster is homophobic; we know Jimmy Olsen has powers, but we don't know why; we know Karate Kid has a disease; and we know Darkseid likes to play with toys. But we know NOTHING about how any of this is tied together or even why we should care. Issue 26 is told almost entirely as exposition from the Monitors, recapping events of the past 25 issues.
Linkara: So, let me get this straight: we're halfway through the entire series, so why don't we just STOP THE ENTIRE PLOT to review the information that ANYONE WHO'S ACTUALLY BEEN READING THE BOOK ALREADY KNOWS!!
Linkara (v/o): Apparently, the idea was that issue 26 was a jumping-on issue, that since the book was officially being retitled "Countdown To Final Crisis", they'd suddenly have a huge influx of people who'd want to start reading it. But I really don't understand why. People still knew it was "Countdown", and by this point, the thing had been critically panned and attacked for its bad art, bad continuity, and its abysmal pace. People knew it sucked; giving it a new name and bunch of plot exposition wasn't going to help. Yes, I agree with Stan Lee: every comic is someone's first, but I would feel really sorry for the poor comic newbie who picked this thing up and expected an action-filled adventure, but just got more "We should do something!" "Should we do something?" Now, people have told me that the second half of "Countdown" is actually where the book improved, and in a way, they're correct. The book dropped its obsession with idiotic tie-ins and pointless miniseries and actually started focusing in its story. The problem is that the story still SUCKED! We don't know what anything has to do with anything! And frankly, none of these characters are all that likeable, except for really Harley Quinn and Holly Robinson. But their story arc is, in the end, completely inconsequential to the overall plot.
Linkara: So, yes, the book got a thousand times better... but a thousand times zero is still ZERO!
Linkara (v/o): Okay, rant over. So because it was so entertaining in the first half of the series, we have an entire issue where the Monitors are talking to each other! Oh, and get this: there are only supposed to be 52 parallel universes, one Monitor for each, but if you actually sit and count the visible Monitors here, there are well over 70.
Linkara: So, again, we see that the creative team has (throws up arms) thrown up their hands and declared, "Screw it, I don't care."
Linkara (v/o): This issue also tries to explain why travelling between parallel universes is bad, but we see no evidence to support this supposition, so I can't tell if Solomon is lying or if it's just lazy writing. During this, we cut back to the recurring storylines. Karate Kid's ensemble meets up with the superhero Firestorm. Why was he in Bludhaven? The script said so. The group realizes there's something underneath the ruined city and they start digging. Forager, for no reason whatsoever, brings Jimmy Olsen to Apocalypse.
Linkara: My guess is she never intended to bring him in on the murder investigation; she just wanted to punish him for that stupid Mr. Action costume.
Linkara (v/o): When we last left Bob's group, Jason Todd had apparently switched sides and shot Donna with Bob's gun. Bob then suddenly teleports the entire group away. In the wake of all this, the Monitors decide they will actually do something, and they will WAGE WAR! (as all the Monitors) United as one! United as one!
Linkara: (lip-synching to Brotherhood of Man's "United We Stand"; waving his hands around) For united we stand, divided we fall...
Linkara (v/o): (as the Monitors) United as one! United as one!
(Cut to a clip of Battlestar Galactica)
Commander Adama: So say we all!
Crew: So say we all!
Adama: So say we all!
Crew: So say we all!
(Back to the comic again)
Linkara (v/o): So, Bob's group rematerializes in a desert. Ah, an arid wasteland without life that drains your strength; what a fitting description of "Countdown". It's revealed that Donna isn't dead, and she kindly punches Jason Todd, once for shooting her and another for being a jerk all the time.
Linkara: You know, if there were more scenes of Jason Todd getting hit like that, "Countdown" wouldn't be as universally derided.
Linkara (v/o): Bob explains that apparently, his species can read body language or some bullcrap like that, so he knew that Jason shooting her was really just a ruse to distract their enemies so they can escape. Donna, however, was not in on the plan.
Donna: Sure I'm alive now... but it hurt like hell when Re-Todd shot me.
Linkara: (hushed) "Re-Todd"? "Re-Todd"?! (angrily holds up his magic gun; gasping for breath) Anti-life justifies my hate! (puts gun at his own head) Anti-life so justifies my (breaks down crying) ha-a-a-a-ate!
Linkara (v/o): Just to compound such a witty, well-crafted insult like that, we have Kyle saying...
Kyle: Ha... Good one, Don!
Linakra: (miserably) But do you know what the worst part is? I just know there's gonna be, like, (holds up hand) a hundred of you people leaving comments like, "This comic is Re-Todd-ed," and you'll never let forget that line. Ever.
Linkara (v/o): We suddenly cut back to the Earth we saw last time. You know, the one that had the counterparts of Bob's group, but they were all nice and happy and stuff? Well, prepare for hope and joy to be summarily crushed. This universe's Lex Luthor is murdered by a mysterious being wearing Superman's outfit, but it's all black and silver. Wow, this is actually pretty suspenseful!
Linkara: (excited) I mean, holy crap, there's some evil Superman in a black outfit! Oh, this is gonna be badass! A real villain at last! This is gonna be sweet! This is gonna be–
(It turns out that the evil Superman is actually Superboy-Prime)
Superboy-Prime: Everything was better on my Earth!
Linkara: (disappointed) It's Superboy-Prime. Damn it!
Linkara (v/o): Yeah, with no explanation given, Superboy-Prime – you know, that whiny idiot I mentioned back in my Top 15 Worst Heroes Becoming Villains – is suddenly an adult and is somehow able to travel from universe to universe, killing people! So, yeah, not content with failing to explain its own idiotic plot points, "Countdown" has decided to bring in an unpopular villain to run around and kill people, and we directly see him directly vaporize a pregnant woman!
Linkara: My God, it's like the worst part of the '90s all over again!
(Cut to 90s Kid)
90s Kid: Duuuuude, I– (stops abruptly, becoming confused) Wait. D-Did you just vaporize a pregnant chick? Dude, th-that's not cool, man. Th-That's... not cool.
(Back to the comic)
Linkara (v/o): As if that bloodbath wasn't enough, the asshole actually annihilates the alternate Earth! But I guess they really had to kill them off. After all, they look to be much more interesting than the heroes of "Countdown". I mean, their Superman had a beard and everything! By the way, you may have noticed that Superboy-Prime doesn't exactly look like a boy here. Well, the thing is, DC was having some legal trouble at the time over the rights of the name and concept of Superboy, so they decided to make him Superman-Prime and artificially age him, thanks to the power of the multiverse.
Linkara: But I hate that prick more than words can describe, so don't expect me to buy into their nonsense.
Linkara (v/o): So, Superbitch-Prime spends an entire issue torturing recurring Superman villain Mxyzptlk. We also get to hear more of his charming narration.
Superman-Prime: I bet I look totally cool. I'm only nineteen, but I look grownup. I'm so big! I tried to find a better Earth to replace it...but they were so mean. They beat me up.
Linkara (v/o): And this issue is such a delight. I'm just so glad we got to see a goofy, fifth-dimensional imp get to vomit in this story. That's what we need to see more of in these comics, silly characters throwing up because a crappy character is torturing them! Meanwhile, Bob's group continues to hunt through different parallel universes. In this universe, there's... wait, Batman Beyond?! Oh, no, Batman Beyond is cool! Don't drag Batman Beyond into this garbage!
Linkara: Wait, I take that back! Whatever is happening with Batman Beyond is a hundred times more interesting than this! I want to see that instead!
Linkara (v/o): They finally locate Ray Palmer on Earth 51, which is apparently an even more perfect Earth, with no war, crime, poverty, disease, etc., etc. Ray is living a happy life on this Earth, married and content with his existence. So, of course, here comes Bob's group to totally screw it up for him. On Christmas Eve, no less. He explains that he learned about the multiverse and traveled to this world to find some comfort and solace. However, this world's Ray Palmer died in an accident right in front of him. So, with the aid of dramatic convenience, Ray decided to take his place as this universe's Ray Palmer. The Monitor explains that that's why they've come for him. However, he suddenly declares he's going to kill Ray Palmer!
(A dramatic sting is heard)
Linkara: (opens his mouth in shock, then becomes confused) Wait, what?!
Linkara (v/o): Yes, apparently, this entire mission was just a plot to kill Ray Palmer, EVEN THOUGH THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY GODDAMN SENSE!!!!
Bob: ...That was pointless and annoying.
Linkara: You're telling me!
Linkara (v/o): It turns out that Solomon and Bob were working together the whole time. Essentially, Bob was going to lead Solomon to Ray Palmer because he's "the key". The key to WHAT?! And then they would merge together, since the Monitors were never meant to be separate entities. When the hell did these two reach this agreement?! If they're really on the same side, why the hell was Solomon always so determined to hunt down Bob?! What the hell was up with all that "the Monitors are going to war" BS?!
Linkara: Is this heel turn surprising? Oh, hell yes! Does it make a lick of sense? OH, HELL NO!!
Linkara (v/o): However, it seems their little plan to merge together failed, since they've "evolved"... yeah, evolution does not work that way... into such different beings. In fact, murdering Duela Dent had nothing at all to do with anything but to start this whole friggin' plan! Oh, but it gets better, because now Monarch arrives with his army to fight the Monitors and subsequently starts slaughtering all the heroes of this Earth, who became passive after they pretty much made this world perfect! Ray explains to the others that it was actually this Earth's Ray Palmer who was supposed to prevent the Great Disaster, though, again, still no explanation of what the hell that is. Jason gets picked up by this universe's Batman, a crazed lunatic who uses guns.
Linkara: (looking up in thought) Gee, where have we heard that before? Could this be (dramatically) CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT?!
(Those words appear onscreen as he says them, followed by a dramatic sting)
Linkara: Well, after thirty-plus issues in, no one's left around to care!
Linkara (v/o): Batman gives him a new costume, calling him "Red Robin". Yeah, that's not redundant or anything. And yes, I know what it's a reference to; that just makes it all the more idiotic. Stupidboy-Prime somehow ends up on the Monitors' satellite and demands to be taken to the perfect Earth. Forerunner shows up, too, having deserted Monarch after her pointless miniseries. So, after 35 issues, we finally get an explanation for why Ray Palmer was so friggin' important. It turns out that on this Earth, he was never sick a day in his life. There was some sort of genetic anomaly that made him immune to all disease. The Justice League of this Earth discovered a sentient germ called "Morticoccus". When that Ray Palmer realized that with the multiverse, there could be others like it in other universes, he went to work trying to give each universe at least one person with the same kind of immunity as him.
Linkara: Okay, I'll give them credit: the idea of a sentient virus is pretty cool. Hell, it could've been the basis for its own great story somewhere else!
(A poster for the movie The Andromeda Strain is displayed)
Linkara: Or... maybe not.
Linkara (v/o): Superboy-Prima-Donna learns that the perfect Earth that he was searching for is in fact the one that's being destroyed. He flies off to fight Monarch, all the while screaming in his standard tone about...
Superboy-Prime: ...THEY'RE RUINING EVERYTHING!!*
- NOTE: Superboy-Prime actually says, "They're ruining it", not "...ruining everything".
Linkara (v/o): Oh, but we have the crowning quote of this entire series right now...
Superboy-Prime: I'll KILL you! I'LL KILL YOU TO DEATH!!!
Linkara (v/o): And how fitting that the title of this issue is "Abandon All Hope". Anyway, the fight continues on.
Monarch: You are only a boy pretending to be a man!
Superboy-Prime: NO! I'm a man! A MAN!
Linkara: (looking offscreen) I AM A M– (stops abruptly there, confused) No. (looks into camera) No! No way in Hell am I dignifying my joke in relation to him! There is no definition of (makes "air quotes") "man" that includes "whiny, halfwit murderer"!
Linkara (v/o): All of a sudden, the remainders of Bob's group gets a message telling them to go to Apokolips. A Monitor helps to transport them there, while Stupidbitch-Pansy ruptures Monarch's armor, apparently killing him and utterly destroying this entire universe.
Linkara: (miserably) The worst part about that is that Superboy-Prime actually survives that and ends up in another book.
Linkara (v/o): Back to the Karate Kid plotline. Karate Kid's health is starting to decline, but somehow, he knows there's a bunker underneath Bludhaven. But don't worry, this bunker isn't actually in any way important to the story, just a kind of reference to something that will happen later. Inside the bunker, they find "Firestorm" supporting character Professor Stein being tormented by Desaad, one of Darkseid's servants. He's been kidnapped to lure Firstorm out, and Desaad takes control of Firestorm's powers. After a brief fight, they manage to get Desaad away from the powers, and he starts to escape to Apokolips.
Linkara: Wow, completely pointless sequences! That's what people read comic books for!
Linkara (v/o): When the group tries to get deeper into the bunker, supercomputer Brother Eye suddenly activates and... I don't know, I guess it can float and become the Death Star now. Oh, and there are giant hypodermic needles sticking out of it. Sure, why not? We also get a genuinely heartwarming scene where we learn why Triplicate Girl stayed with Karate Kid in the past, that she's in love with him, but he's already got a girlfriend back in the 31st Century, that she cares about him. It's a well-written, tug-at-your-heartstrings moment. You can understand, then, why they decided to just forget about it and move on to the next ridiculous plot point, with Brother Eye reaching his mechanical tendrils into Bludhaven.
Linkara: Oh, "Countdown", I admire your ability to take anything that has any emotional or narrative value, and just crumple it up and toss it in the trash.
Linkara (v/o): Brother Eye manages to absorb materials that Desaad had left behind, giving it access to the technology of the New Gods. He uses the technology to travel to Apokolips, along with Karate Kid, Firestorm and Triplicate Girl. Over to Trickster and Piper, who are doing the same things they were doing in the last half of the series: running away from the Suicide Squad and Trickster insulting Pied Piper for being gay. Eventually, Trickster gets shot through the head.
Linkara: DC Comics: we've got more blood and violence than the Saw movies!
Linkara (v/o): Upon Trickster's death, the handcuff suddenly announces that since one of them is dead, it's going to begin a 24-hour countdown to detonation.
Linkara: Why 24 hours and not just right away? Is this supposed to be the next plot to 24?
Linkara (v/o): Using his electronic flute, Piper is able to slow the timer down to buy him some more time. He heads off with Trickster's body, which he continues to talk to. Oh, and since they're out in the desert with no water, Piper starts to hallucinate that the body is talking to him. And what does he have to say? Why, more gay jokes! Even in death, Trickster remains a total asshat! Thankfully, Piper cuts off the Trickster's hands so he doesn't have to keep dragging the body around. Hopefully, that will shut him up. Several issues later, Piper suddenly gets teleported to Apokolips. So, also, Jimmy Olsen is on Apokalips and has been enslaved by Darkseid's forces. When Jimmy becomes threatened by one of the Overslavers, however, Darkseid personally zaps the guy out of existence. But then plotlines actually start to converge a bit, as Eclipso brings Mary Marvel to Darkseid.
Eclipso: May she serve you well.
Linkara: (looking uncomfortable) Yeah, Mary Marvel is sixteen, so that statement plus the short skirt don't exactly inspire confidence in this storyline.
Linkara (v/o): Darkseid explains to Mary that he wants a magic user on his side, but Mary's not having any of it. She fights Darkseid for a bit and then flies off, Eclispo swearing to bring her back. By the way, why is Eclipso serving Darkseid? Oh, yeah, it's explained in a pointless miniseries; forget I asked. Eclispo convinces Mary that she should give the job a chance, citing the fact that pretty much everyone else she's encountered has been uncharacteristically dickish to her for no adequately-explained reason. However, because this is "Countdown", the next issue suddenly has them fighting again and Mary rejecting her all over again. Oh, and we also get to see lots of up-skirt shots of Mary Marvel. Yes, up-skirt shots of the underage girl. What is this, Arcade Gamer Fubuki?
(Cut to a brief clip of the anime)
Fubuki: Passion Panties, lend me your strength!
(Cut back to the comic)
Eclipso: Return to me. Do proper penance for your actions. We can rule Apokolips and then all of creation!
(Cut to a clip of Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back)
Darth Vader: (to Luke Skywalker) Join me, and together we can rule the galaxy...
(Back to the comic again)
Linkara (v/o): Meanwhile, Jimmy Olsen manages to escape from the slave pits and finds Forager chained to a slab. He takes off her helmet and proclaims...
Jimmy: Thank God she's still alive... and weirdly gorgeous!
Linkara (v/o): (sighs) Look, I don't necessarily disagree about her attractiveness, but it's just weird hearing him say that about the bug woman with no nose and a second mask under her helmet THAT HE'S KNOWN FOR ALL OF FIVE MINUTES. Forager, apparently not taking kindly to being hit on, promptly grabs him by the throat and starts screaming...
Forager: JIMMY OLSEN MUST DIE!
Linkara: Hell, I've been saying that since the series started.
Linkara (v/o): Forager gets a hold of herself, and Jimmy, using his powers, manages to transport the two back to Earth... where they start making out.
Linkara: Yes, thank you for this spontaneous romance between the two people that literally met an hour ago.
Linkara (v/o): Back with Mary Marvel, she and Eclipso fight their way down to Earth. Blah, blah, blah. She regrets her actions... Yeah, a little late for the guys you turned into statues, Mary... and she gives her power up to Eclipso and falls into the ocean, right outside of Themyscira! You may have noticed I haven't brought up the Holly Robinson plot yet. Well, I think at this point, they realized that it barely qualified as tying into this whole cluster-crap of a comic, and they just admitted that it was just an excuse to get attractive women in togas. Anyway, Holly and Harley continue to be trained on Themyscira.
Harley: This is us, Holly... doing what we want to do instead of being...defined by someone else.
Linkara: (as Harley) Yeah, we're doing what we want, which is to be ordered around by Athena's cronies! (beat) Wait, what?
Linkara (v/o): The two wander into a cave because Harley wants to go exploring in her usual chipper attitude. Isn't it nice to have a cheery, upbeat sequence after we just saw Trickster get a bullet through his brain? Anyway, the two find, of all people, Queen Hippolyta! And much to the collective shock of all readers, she's not crazy anymore!
Linkara: (incredulously) What kind of bizarro world is this?! Hippolyta actually gets treated with more respect in this comic than she ever did in "Amazons Attack"!
Linkara (v/o): Hippolyta joins forces with the two so they can take down the false Athena. Back over to Jimmy Olsen, who lets Forager take a shower so the artist could put in some fan service. And I know I should be railing about sexism and feminism or something like that right now, but frankly, I'll take the bug boobs over the mass slaughter we were seeing earlier. Anyway, Forager explains that she thinks the souls of the New Gods have, for some reason, made their way into Jimmy's body, and that is why he has superpowers.
Linkara: (listlessly) Yes, that's right, they slaughtered Jack Kirby's creations so that Jimmy Olsen could run around in a crappy costume and make out with bug ladies.
Linkara (v/o): So it turns out the two Amazons that found Mary were Holly and Harley, though where they got that dog is anyone's guess. Anywho, they bring her to Hippolyta, who continues to be awesome. Mary joins forces with them to bring the Fake-azons down. Jimmy gets a message in his mirror to also travel to Apokolips. Ewww, the source is pervy! Meanwhile, Solomon and Darkseid are together. Apparently, they've been playing a game this whole time with the power of the Multiverse at stake. Yeah, who gives a crap? Hippolyta and the other women, finally sick of all this, openly attack Granny Goodness. When Hippolyta cuts her face, she reveals herself and tries to escape Apokolips. And of course, Holly, Harley and Mary pursue.
Linkara: Hippolyta wisely decides to not follow, lest she be forced to spend more time in "Countdown".
Linkara (v/o): Okay, so with everyone finally on Apokolips, all of the plots start coming together, so I'm gonna try to summarize this, since this is long past the point where I stopped caring. Okay, Piper was brought to Apokolips by Desaad, who apparently said the Anti-life Equation can be channeled through his music. Mary, Holly and Harley discover the Greek gods and free them from their captivity. As thanks, they grant them superpowers, also restoring Mary's abilities. Brother Eye starts assimilating Apokolips, and all the various people finally get together. Oh, and it turns out that the Morticoccus virus, the one that supposed to cause a great disaster, is in fact the reason why Karate Kid was sick. So after a series of convoluted events, Pied Piper finally uses his flute to blow up Apokalips, supposedly killing himself.
Linkara: Well, so nice to know that Piper's storyline contributed nothing of any real value to the story.
Linkara (v/o): Oh, it should come to no surprise at all that during all of this, Darkseid and Solomon have been playing with their action figures. Ray Palmer also listens in on them and learns that Darkseid plans to release the Morticoccus virus throughout the universe and kill everyone so he can remake everything, or some bullcrap like that. So begins the heroes and their great debate about whether to kill Karate Kid. It should come as no surprise to you that it really amounts to "We should do something!" and "Should we do something?" Solomon goes to the others and reveals that it was Darkseid who gave Jimmy Olsen the souls of the New Gods so he could then take them himself.
Linkara: (his head resting on his hand in boredom) All these revelations would have made for a much better story if they weren't all crammed in at the end.
Linkara (v/o): Solomon, to stop their bitching, promptly teleports them all back to Earth, but they soon discover that they're in fact not on their own Earth! Bum bum buuuuuum! The group travels to the secret scientific labs of Cadmus, hoping that the facilities there can help create an inoculation from Morticoccus. However, it's too late; Karate Kid dies. Morticoccus, because it was used in the body of someone from the 31st century, as mutation abilities that this Earth can't keep track of, and it spreads quickly. To make matters worse, the thing absorbs DNA from all lifeforms it infects, so humans are mutating into animals and animals are mutating into humans. Riots, full-scale nuclear war between countries blaming each other, and other atrocities soon follow. Matters are made worse when the Green Lantern of this universe tries to find help outside of the Earth, carrying the virus across the stars! (a panel of people lying dead in the streets is shown) My God, they've killed so many! Stop it, "Countdown"! Stop killing everyone!
(To dramatic music, a montage of shots of panels showing the subsequent death and destruction are shown; suddenly, however, it stops abruptly with a record scratch as we cut back to Linkara)
Linkara: Wait a second! The Great Disaster, the event we've been building up to through this ENTIRE MORONIC STORY... ISN'T EVEN TAKING PLACE ON THE MAIN DC EARTH?!?
Linkara (v/o): THAT MAKES EVEN LESS SENSE!!! WHO INFECTED KARATE KID?! IF THE THING MUTATES BEYOND RAY PALMER'S IMMUNITY, which it does, WHAT THE HELL WAS THE POINT OF FINDING HIM?! HOW DID BROTHER EYE KNOW ABOUT IT?! And really, they destroyed several parallel Earths, and apparently, this one's entire universe, just so they could create the commodity "Planet of the Apes" ripoff?! REALLY?!?
Linkara: "Countdown", you've redefined what it means to fail.
Linkara (v/o): So, here's the lowdown: Buddy Blank takes his grandson to the bunker in Bludhaven to protect him from the plague. Triplicate Girl gets killed by rats. I am not kidding here. The other heroes find a way to get back to their Earth, abandoning this one to its fate, but we're not even done yet. Yes, that's right, only in "Countdown" would they slaughter this many people, enact stupid plot point after plot point, and not even be finished. The group separates, both to prevent the Great Disaster from happening on this Earth, as well as to just get on their lives. But who should be waiting for Mary Marvel back at her apartment but Darkseid, sitting on her couch, no less!
Darkseid: Hello, Mary. You didn't think I would forget about you, did you?
Linkara: (as Darkseid) Have a seat. American Idol is on.
Mary: In my home? How dare you?!
Darkseid: Darkseid dares all.
Linkara: (as Darkseid) No other being dares to sit on couches like Darkseid does.
Linkara (v/o): Darkseid offers Mary the powers of Black Adam again, but since she's undergone this long story arc of her realizing that evil powers are bad for her, she of course rejects him and punches him! Oh, wait, that's what should have happened! Instead, she becomes evil again, fully of her own volition.
Linkara: Just when I think it's over, "Countdown" finds some whole new way to suck!
Linkara (v/o): Mary goes after Jimmy Olsen and brings him to Darkseid. Donna and Kyle fill in the Justice League as best as they can, but even they're confused by this nightmare of a plot. Superman, however, arrives to help.
Darkseid: You DARE lay your hands on mighty Darkseid?! YOU DARE?!?
Linkara: (as Superman) I do dare, Darkseid! And after I've beaten you, I dare to sit on your couch!
Linkara (v/o): Ray Palmer manages to unlock Jimmy's powers, giving him full control over them to fight Darkseid as a giant turtle boy. I know, just go with it. Oh, but then Orion shows up! Yeah, he's Darkseid's son. It's a whole thing involving the New Gods that makes for a much more interesting story than this, and it should come as no surprise that he hasn't made a single friggin' appearance in "Countdown", except in that "Death of the New Gods" miniseries I mentioned last time. So, they fight, they kill each other, and then finally, FINALLY we reach the last issue. Really, it's just an epilogue of everything that's happened. Pied Piper suddenly appears back on Earth, too. I guess he's alive somehow. Whatever. So, Donna, Kyle and Forager decide that they're sick of godlike beings having control over their lives and have one question...
Donna: Who monitors the Monitors?
Linkara: (stunned) "Who monitors the Monitors?" OH, SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP! THAT'S LIKE SOMETHING A TEN-YEAR-OLD WRITES WHEN THEY'RE TRYING TO SOUND CLEVER!!
Linkara (v/o): Oh, and it should come as no surprise to anyone that nothing ever comes of this. But yeah, supposedly, they're gonna make sure the Monitors play nice. How exactly they plan to enforce their little coup d'état is never explained. Big shocker. And so, this series ends with Holly Robinson and Harley Quinn looking up a moon that looks far too huge for it to be real. You know, people wonder how I get through all these horrible comics without killing myself, but really, Harley explains it perfectly.
Harley: A positive attitude and lots of denial?
Linkara: So, after all of this, after 51 issues of "Countdown To Final Crisis", what's there left to say? Only this...
Linkara (v/o): "Countdown To Final Crisis" blows!! It reeks, it fails, it is heinous, it is mean-spirited, wretched, nonsensical, idiotic, irritating, slow, crappy, and altogether stupid! It is everything wrong with the comic book industry and an embarrassment on the records of everyone who worked on it!
Linkara: Bottom line: as we say around these parts... THIS COMIC SUCKS!!
TO BE CONTINUED
(Stinger: And now for something completely different. FIVE Stingers! First up is 90s Kid)
90s Kid: (unexcited and sighing) Dude, I... I just don't know, man. Something as awful as that, I just don't know how I could ever go back to being hardcore. (suddenly notices something offscreen) What the...
(He takes what he saw and looks at it: a cover for a comic called "Brigade"; he becomes excited again)
90s Kid: Rob Liefeld, man! Suddenly, all is right with this most extreme universe! Hey, I'm 90s Kid, and (shucks his button shirt to reveal his black T-shirt underneath, reading "WYSIWYG") what you see is what you get!
(Next stinger: Harvey Finevoice is seen again)
Harvey: I'm Harvey Finevoice. Where the hell is my show?
(Next stinger: Dr. Insano appears again, pointing at something nervously)
Dr. Insano: He's coming for you, Linkara! Oh, yes, he's coming to get you! (giggles insanely) He's mean, too. He made me cut my hair! The bastard! I'll have my revenge.
(Next stinger: 2D Lee is seen again with dull white eyes)
2D Lee: The disease... The disease... The disease!
(Next stinger: Chester and Nostalgia Critic are still arguing)
Chester: So, it appears that all those people were... overdrawn at the light bank. (giggles)
NC: Really? That's the most interesting line you can come up with?
Chester: Well, you know what? You're a douche-face!
(Chester and NC start arguing again, but it's too incomprehensible to understand what they're saying, until...)
Chester: I mean, you just ruined this whole scenario! Linkara's gonna hate this!
NC: No, no, he'll like it. He'll like it a lot.
Chester: No, no, he's really gonna hate this. I mean, we were supposed to present a suitable "previous" episode sketch, (NC starts arguing inaudibly again) and you're just ruining the whole thing! Okay, you know what? You know what? There went Pluto.
(Chester pushes a button on his control, and the planet Pluto explodes)
NC: (waving dismissively) Nobody cared; it was Pluto.
Chester: It's a planet, man!
(Chester and NC start arguing once more, but Chester is too inaudible to make out)
NC: Nobody gives a shit about Pluto! I mean, thank God you got rid of Pluto! I mean, now there's gonna be no one around to make "planet Disney dog" jokes! You know? "Oh, Mickey's dog! I never heard of that one! You must be a genius for making that up!" (Chester stops arguing) Oh, my God, Pluto! You're right! 'Cause they sound exactly alike!
Chester: You know what? I'm just gonna blow up the world.
NC: Thank you!
(Chester pushes on his control, and the Earth blows up)