And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Coraline."
OH MY GOD, THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!
But boy, it is weird!
So, there's this girl called Coraline.
And she's like, "I'm bored."
And her mom is like, "Piss off."
So, she fights this boy who likes to collect slugs.
I like to collect slugs too!
Only I don't study them - I smoke them.
They taste like awful.
And so, she finds this magical door.
And she enters into this fantasy land!
Where the parents are so nice.
Everybody's always dancing.
And everybody goes out of their way to please her.
But then... The mother transforms into this evil, psychotic demon!
And she's like, "I'm going to put buttons in your eyes!"
And Coraline's like, "Dude! That's totally messed up!"
So, she throws her in the room with all these creepy ghosts lying around.
And they're like, "Save us, Coraline! Save us!"
And I'm like *Runs around screaming*
So, she exits through the evil, little door.
And then...she's safe.
Everything's back to normal and she can just go back to sleep.
But then... Her parents have been kidnapped by the evil demon psychotic lady!
And so, she has to go to save them!
So, she's attacked by flying dogs!
And a man with a Russian accent!
I'm terrified of men with Russian accents!
Go back to Italy!
So, she finds her parents in a snowglobe, and it seems like everything's okay.
But things are never okay!
Because the lady turns into a gigantic, creepy spider!
And Coraline is caught in her web!
And the woman's like *Makes growling sounds*
And Coraline is like *Screams three times*
So, she runs out the door as the spider woman is following her.
And finally, she closes the door and locks the key!
Whew! Now everything is safe, peaceful, and totally under control---
But then this little hand comes out and tries to kill her!
But then Slug Boy comes out!
He rides on his bike, destroys the evil hand, and Coraline will live forever with the nightmarish memories that will haunt her forever!
...It was the feel good family movie of the year.
It was so good that I saw it twice.
Or did I just take some drugs?
They're pretty much the same!
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?? Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
Well, could you at least give me a slug? I haven't eaten breakfast since...ever!