Cop and a Half
August 09, 2011
NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. Let’s talk about Burt Reynolds.
(Images and footage of Burt Reynolds and his films are shown as NC speaks and the song "Nothin' My Love Can't Fix" by Joey Lawrence plays in the background)
NC (voiceover): In the ‘70s and ‘80s, he was one of the biggest stars in the world. With big hits like The Longest Yard, Deliverance and Smokey and the Bandit, Burt was on top of the world. But then his attitude started making headlines. He would go through a messy divorce, get in fights on shows, even slap reporters on air. On top of that, he filed for bankruptcy because of bad investments and an extreme lifestyle. After a while, people stopped hiring him because they were fucking scared shitless of him.
NC: Sounds like a perfect guy to put next to a little kid!
(The title screen for Cop and a Half is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the movie)
NC (voiceover): Yes, this was considered the low point in Burt Reynolds’s career. A little kid wants to be a cop, so Officer Fuck the World is on the case to babysit him. The movie’s so desperate, they couldn’t even afford a Culkin. (An image of Macaulay Culkin in his younger years briefly appears next to the young child actor Norman D. Golden II) It’s embarrassing, it’s not funny…
NC: You want to see me suffer through it like the sick pigs that you are, let’s not waste any time. This is Cop and a Half.
(The movie begins)
NC (voiceover): So as we hear the music to the opening credits, we can see that this is gonna be some campy, stupid shit. Listen to that. Can it get any more corny than this? It’s like the opening to a 1950’s filmstrip. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if the Fonz himself directed this—(“Directed by Henry Winkler” appears onscreen) ABANDON SHIP!
NC: Critics and critics first! (He takes off his hat to dive off his chair camera right as though diving off a boat; the splashing of water is heard here)
NC (voiceover): We open with our main character named Devon. He’s a little boy who’s totally obsessed with being a police officer, to a point where he plays it all the time with his friend.
(Devon rolls into the boy’s bathroom with his toy water gun like a real cop would and aims it at two young high school bullies and a little boy)
Devon: Freeze, dirtbag!
Bully #1: (to the boy) Get outta here.
Boy: (surrenders) I’m history. (He quickly leaves the bathroom)
NC (voiceover): Uh, when did they combine high school and kindergarten class in the same building?
Bully #2: (grabs Devon and holds him up against a wall) Butler thinks he’s a real cop! (Laughs)
Devon: Hey! Put me down!
Bully #2: (to Bully #1) That calls for payback.
Devon: Put me down!
NC (voiceover): Dude, Sam from Clarissa Explains it All is a bit of a dick, isn’t he? (Footage of Sam climbing out Clarissa’s window in Clarissa Explains it All is shown briefly) At least now we know where he got the money to pay for that ladder.
(Cut to both bullies holding Devon over a toilet)
Devon: I meant it in the nicest way.
Both Bullies: Too bad! (They laugh)
NC (voiceover): So he gets his head dunked in a toilet and…somehow gets in trouble for it, thus he’s sent to the principal’s office.
(Devon is sitting in the principal's office as the principal confronts him)
Principal: Do I sense, uh…a little insolence? Lies are not explanations.
Devon: I’m not lying. Every day, these big jumbos come and take my money, they put me in the toilet, and hold me upside down.
NC (voiceover): As you can see, Devon has been taking acting lessons that even the great Jake Lloyd would be jealous of.
Principal: (holds out his phone to Devon) I have to call your grandmother.
NC (voiceover): But on his way home, Devon comes across a chase scene with one of the city’s most badass cops.
(The detective rams his car into a fence that a bad guy is standing on and the bad guy lands on the hood of the car)
Nick McKenna (Burt Reynolds): Get your filthy butt off my car!
NC (voiceover): Wow, he does a really good Norm MacDonald impression, doesn’t he?
Nick: (struggles to grab onto the bad guy and forces him to look down at a utility belt carrying what look like vials) Did you drop something, Cordell? Looks like drugs!
NC: It does?
NC (voiceover): Looks more like my Mad Scientist chemistry set! (An image for Mad Scientist Monster Lab appears over the belt)
NC: Holy shit, doctor! We were making drugs?
Mad Scientist (from the “Mad Scientist Monster Lab” commercial and dubbed by NC): Why do you think I’m so manic all the time?
Bad Guy: That ain’t mine!
Nick: You know who I am?
NC (voiceover): Um, don’t you think you should cuff him by now? I mean, it just gives him ample opportunity to do that (the bad guy spits in Nick’s face), or that (the bad guy throws dirt in Nick’s face), or that. (The bad guy tries to punch Nick, but misses. Nick knees the bad guy in the chest before we cut to him handcuffing the bad guy) Oh, yeah, now you get the idea. Hey, next time, why don’t you read him his rights after he’s executed?
Nick: (speaks softly) I’m gonna tie you to the car, you see. (He starts tying thin wire through the door handle of his car and ties the other end to the bad guy) ‘Cause I don’t want you getting in my car. OK? You ready?
NC (voiceover): Uh, I don’t think this is part of the script. I think this is Burt Reynolds just being Burt Reynolds.
(Nick starts driving off with the bad guy running far behind)
Bad Guy: Damn you, McKenna! You’re not gonna do this! Not the freeway!
(Cut to black and we hear a crash; cut next to NC’s illustration of a tombstone labeled “Killed by Burt Reynolds” as we hear a grave music sting)
NC (voiceover): So Devon, who, of course, has no parents and lives with his grandma, has plenty of free time to notice one of the cars Reynolds was chasing and calls the police. (Devon gets on his bike to go after the car instead) Oh, wait, I forgot; He IS the police! So he goes to solve it himself. Look, kid, you’re not Penny Gadget. She had a computer book and an IQ of gazillion. You had a bit part in Sisters. (An image of the four main characters from Sisters is shown briefly) I don’t think that’s going to get you very far.
(Devon follows the car to a mysterious warehouse, where he hides and witnesses a set of criminals waiting to meet with their boss, Vinnie Fountain)
NC (voiceover): So he follows the bandits under the cover of dark blue filtered day for night, when suddenly, he comes across their crime boss. And I use that term VERY loosely.
Vinnie Fountain: (sings in a jazzy style before his goons) Well! Hey. I’m the type of guy that likes to roam around. (NC looks very puzzled by this) Oh, they call me the wanderer.
Goons: (sing) The wanderer.
Vinnie: (sings) Yeah, the wanderer.
Goons: (sing) Whoa, whoa!
Vinnie: (sings) I roam around and round and round and round.
Goons: (sing) Round and round and round and round!
(The goons start applauding as Vinnie basks in the praise)
Goon #1: Hey, boss, you kill me.
Goon #2: You are my idol, Mr. Fountain!
NC: Okay, which reaction should I go with here? (Four images of NC’s possible reactions are shown below him: frustrated, confused, puzzled with his eyes squinted, and frowning (all are labeled as 0, 1, 2, and 3 respectively); he points to 3 first) Um, that one's pretty good. (Points to 0) And that one’s not bad either. Nah, I think for this one, I’m gonna go with number 2, the “What the truckload of Christ?” look. (He makes that very expression)
NC (voiceover): Yeah, this is the crime boss they follow, the head of this division’s mafia. I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised. It is Henry Winkler directing it, so I guess it figures they jump the shark pretty fucking early in the game.
Vinnie: Oooh. (sniffs once) Chu. (sniffs again) There’s a fish in here. (snaps his fingers) Get rid of it.
Chu: You got it, boss. (Starts tying Rudy to a chair)
Rudy (one of the goons): Hey, what are you doing?! I never said a word to McKenna!
Vinnie: (sings) Splish, splash, I was taking a bath…
NC (voiceover): Jesus, these schmucks are making the Goodfeathers look legitimate!
Vinnie: (sings) All about a Saturday night! Bum, bum, bum, bum.
(Bobby and Pesto from Animaniacs laugh while intercutting with footage of Vinnie)
Pesto: (laughs) Oh, boy.
Bobby: Make him stop! He’s killing me! (stops laughing to speak to Pesto) Get him outta my face.
NC (voiceover): Devon does see a henchman get murdered and writes down the license plate information. This means he’s considered a witness by the police department. But there’s just one little catch with that.
(Devon is shown at the police station speaking with the police captain named Rufio)
Devon: You need me to testify and identify, right?
Captain Rubio: Yes.
Devon: I’d like to cut a deal.
(We hear Rubio explaining Devon's deal to Nick and a black detective)
Captain Rubio: He wants to be a cop.
NC (voiceover): That’s right! He won’t give the information unless they make him an official cop! D’ooooh!
(Cut to Devon in an interrogation room with Nick, Rubio and a black detective)
Captain Rubio: Why don’t you just…go ahead and give us that plate number?
Devon: Make me a cop.
Black Detective: Why do you want to be a cop? (gestures to Nick) Look at this guy. Raggedy ass clothes, bad back, bad marriage, bad attitude…
NC: Is he talking about the character or Burt Reynolds?
Devon: There’s a shipment of euphoria coming in.
Captain Rubio: Where?
Devon: Don’t know. But I got a name.
(All three adults surround Devon)
Nick: What’s the name?
Devon: I really want to give you this name.
Devon: You put me on duty, (snaps his fingers) it’s yours.
NC (voiceover): Now, in any other reality, I think we all know exactly how this would go down.
NC: (as Devon) I want to be a cop, or you don’t get any of the information you need!
Detective (voice only, and also voiced by NC): OK, son, now, why don’t you come with me?
(NC (still as Devon) walks off camera right)
Detective: Give me the name! (He starts punching NC off screen, and we see blood splattering across the screen as NC yells in pain) Give me the name! Give me the name, you little punk! I’ll beat the living shit out of you! Give me the name! Give me the name!
NC: (offscreen, as Devon) SHIRE! BAGGINS!
Detective: (stops punching as speaks as though to other officers) Put a search out for Shire Baggins!
NC (voiceover): But in this realm of retardation, we find that the police WILL make him a cop for a while, just so they can get the information. And on top of that, let’s put the obvious last person they should on this assignment literally just for shits and giggles.
Captain Rubio: (to Nick) You owe me.
Nick: I don’t owe you nothing.
Captain Rubio: You owe me!
Nick: I don’t owe you nothing!
NC: (as Captain Rubio) Hey, if Clint Eastwood can act with an orangutan, you can act with a little boy!
NC (voiceover): So then the mob boss finds out about the witness and decides to act. (sighs) Right after he’s done recording his album.
Vinnie: (sings in a recording booth) Leaped into your eyes.
Goon #1: You're amazing.
Vinnie: (gets out of the booth) You really think so, huh?
NC (voiceover): Why is it I get the feeling he gets picked on at the annual mobster meetings?
Vinnie (from earlier in the film): (sings) Well, they call me the wanderer.
Goons: (sing) The wanderer.
Vinnie: (sings) Yeah, the wanderer.
(The earlier clip is intercut with Tony Soprano from The Sopranos laughing to himself, as if Tony's laughing at Vinnie. We cut to Devon and Nick walking out of the police station)
NC (voiceover): So Reynolds and Devon are now a team. (chuckles) I’m gonna predict that this is hijink-tacular!
Devon: My shield, my badge.
Nick: All right, here you are. (He hands a badge to Devon)
Devon: I always wanted one of these.
Nick: (points to his car) Get in the car.
NC: (mimics Nick) I’m acting.
Devon: (speaks into a police squad box microphone to test it out) This is Detective Butler.
Nick: What are you doing?
Devon: (speaks into the microphone) Where are you at?
Nick: What are you doing? (Grabs the microphone away from Devon)
Devon: You give me no joy.
NC: Hey, I think that was the critical recommendation for the DVD! (The movie poster for Cop and a Half is shown with NC’s fake critic quote “You give me no joy. –Gene Shalit” shown within it)
(We are shown several scenes of Nick and Devon patrolling the city)
NC (voiceover): So they banter a bit, he (Devon) acts annoying, he (Nick) acts stupid, he (Devon) thinks a purse is being stolen when really it’s just a guy returning it to his wife, it’s pretty fucking boring. Hell, there’s even a fruit stand they don’t knock over. How can you call yourself a 1990s buddy cop movie and not knock over the goddamn fruit stand?! The one cliché you’re supposed to follow, and you fucked it up. Look at Reynolds; he’s supposed to be acting in this scene, but you know, all he’s thinking in his head is, “God, I wanna hit that fruit stand! God, I wanna hit that fruit stand! Bam, bam, bam! Oranges flyin’ everywhere!” But no, you totally missed it.
NC: Hand over your badge, movie! You’re suspended!
Nick: (speaks slowly to Devon) Give me...the plate…number.
Devon: Plate number N6B-72G.
NC (voiceover): Okay, so the kid finally gives him the license plate number as well as the name he heard called Bobo. It turns out the license plate is under a fake name, so all they have to go on is finding out who Bobo is. So…logically, the kid is of no use now. They can just drop him back home, right? Fuck that shit! We still got an hour left! He’s staying around whether it makes any sense or not!
(At the police station, the phone rings on the black detective’s desk)
Black Detective: (to Devon) I’m listening to you. (Devon picks up the phone to answer it)
NC (voiceover; sputters in rage): Wha-je-buh-YOU’RE LETTING THE KID ANSWER THE PHONE?!! WHAT THE FUCK’S WRONG WITH THIS POLICE STATION?!
Devon: (answers the phone) Officer Butler here. What did the cat look like? Calm down. No, I’m eight. (A click is heard on the other end before a dial tone) Hello?
NC (voiceover): Yeah, no shit! I’d hang up, too! What if there was a real emergency going on on the other line?
NC: (as Devon, speaking into his phone) Hello, Officer Butler speaking. (Deep laughter from a couple men are heard in the background as NC continues speaking on the phone) You say someone’s trying to break into your house? (Laughter continues) You say the robber has a gun? You say he shot you in the ribs? Oh, oh, hold on. (Puts his phone on hold to speak to the laughing men offscreen) What does “My husband will sue you for negligence” mean? (The slamming of police car doors are heard before we hear sirens go off) Guys?
NC (voiceover): So they go looking for all the Bobos in town. The first one is a crazy artist who’s in his own little world.
(Devon and Nick approach the first Bobo, who is an artist dressed in blue preparing for something)
Devon: Detective Butler here.
Nick: Is your name Bobo?
(Bobo #1 swings down from a tall height on a wire)
The Tick (audio): SPOON!!!
(Bobo #1 then comes in contact with a wall that looks like a dollar bill, leaving a blue painted imprint himself on it)
Bobo #1: Perfect.
Nick: (speaks quietly to Devon) Listen, I don’t think this is the guy. (He and Devon turn to leave)
NC (voiceover): Again, I would much rather know the story of this guy rather than anyone else in the movie, but let’s keep following our heroes.
(Next, Nick and Devon come across another Bobo, who is outside an apartment looking up at his wife from up above the apartment's window)
NC (voiceover): We see they find another Bobo who’s getting thrown out of his apartment by his wife because he forgot their anniversary.
Bobo #2: Today? It feels like a Wednesday, I don’t know.
Bobo #2’s Wife: Tell me! (She starts throwing plates down to her husband from up above)
NC: (speaks and gestures with a New York accent) Hey, come on, I’m a Danny DeVito decoy here. Don’t make me do any more of my New York Italian stereotype!
NC (voiceover): But Devon heads up there and sets everything straight with his unbelievable words of wisdom.
Devon: (to Bobo #2’s wife) You think it’s bad he forgot an anniversary? It’s not so bad. I have these big jumbos who always throws me in a toilet. You two at least have each other.
(Heavenly music from Monty Python's Life of Brian plays as Bobo #2’s Wife contemplates on what he just said and looks down at her husband)
Bobo #2’s Wife: (smiles) Yeah. You may be right.
Devon: Bobo, start up the stairs.
(Bobo #2’s Wife kisses Devon on the cheek)
NC: Oh, great Devon Lama. Feed us more with your enlightenment.
(An image of the Dalai Lama is shown with Devon’s head superimposed over his, and Devon speaks)
Devon: They came from outer space.
NC (voiceover): So Devon is dropped off at his home, but finds the mob boss is there, posing as a school counselor to see if he recognizes him.
(Devon is confronted by Vinnie, who is disguised as a school counselor)
Vinnie: You recognize me?
Vinnie: You haven’t seen me around school, huh?
NC (voiceover): Devon doesn’t let on at first, but he eventually figures out that it’s him. He does the smart thing and calls the cops to let them know that he came by.
NC: So, what now? Put him and his grandma in the witness protection program?
(We cut to Devon's grandmother allowing Devon to stay with Nick at his apartment for the time being)
NC (voiceover): Well, how about giving Devon a sleepover with Burt Reynolds and keeping Grandma in the exact same fucking location?! No wonder they haven’t solved this case yet! These cops are as logical as the justice system in Wonderland!
Braveheart (from Care Bears in Wonderland): (appears next to Nick) Pickled beets? (groans)
Grandma: (hugs Devon) Take care of yourself, Devon.
Devon: I will.
(Grandma gets up to leave before Nick shuts the apartment door behind him; The theme music to The Odd Couple starts to play out as we get scenes of Devon and Nick together in Nick’s home)
NC (voiceover; as a TV announcer): On November 13th, Devon Butler was asked to remove himself from his place of residence. That request came from the half-assed police department. With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of dick-cheese actor Burt Reynolds. Several years earlier, Burt’s wife threw him out, requesting that he never return. Can two obnoxious personalities share an apartment without driving each other crazy?
(NC’s title “The Oddly Contrived Couple” appears over Devon and Nick briefly as the Odd Couple theme music finishes; Cut to Nick locking his door before looking down at Devon as we hear a thunderclap)
NC: (as Nick, leaning forward with an evil smile) Well...no badge...no law. (He starts punching like mad at the camera as though he's beating up Devon)
NC (voiceover): After more bickering and shit-ass dialogue, we see Reynolds hears a sound in the middle of the night.
(Nick slowly goes through his apartment with his gun ready; he quickly turns around and has his gun aimed at Devon’s forehead)
NC: Shoot him, shoot him, shoot him, shoot him!
(With relief, Nick slowly puts his gun down)
NC: Oh, God, we could’ve ended the movie right there!
(The clip of Nick quickly turning around to aim his gun at Devon’s forehead is shown again, this time cutting to black and a gunshot is heard; Cut to fake end credits (with “Directed by Henry Winkler” and “Produced by Alan Smithee” shown) of the movie as the theme song from Different Strokes plays out)
Singers: Now, the world don’t move to the beat of just one drum.
(We cut to Captain Rubio speaking with Nick at a restroom)
NC (voiceover): So Reynolds decides he can’t do this, because…well, he’s a fucking psycho with a gun…but the chief sees it different.
Captain Rubio: Well, I guess the kid has gotten to you, huh?
Nick: Give the kid to McPhail! (He leaves the restroom but then returns) He likes cornflakes in the morning.
NC (voiceover; as Captain Rubio, who is smiling): Aww, he bonded with him 'cause he almost shot him.
(Cut to Devon on patrol with another detective)
NC (voiceover; normal): So another officer gets to look after the kid, one who would most assuredly treat him with much more responsibility than Reynolds did.
Det. Matt McPhail: Book him, Danno.
(Cut to Devon speaking to an innocent citizen at the driver’s window)
Devon: License and registration, please, Mr. Fleming.
(NC slams his head on his desk in disbelief)
Mr. Fleming: What’s going on here?
McPhail: (speaks into his microphone from his squad car) Officer Butler has full jurisdiction here.
Devon: Step out of your car, please, sir.
NC (voiceover): Oh, yeah! This won’t draw any attention to the kid at all! Nobody would ever find a little boy pulling over a grown man for speeding suspicious! My God! Dudley Fucking Do-Right would follow better protocol than these idiots! I'd trust my life to a donut before I put it in the hands of these fucking yokels!
NC: And I know what you’re thinking: "Oh, what are the chances of some of the henchmen stumbling across him while he’s doing this?" Well, guess what?
NC (voiceover): Some of the henchmen stumble across him while he’s doing this. YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT THEIR FUCKEST, PEOPLE!
Nick: (shouts from up above) DEVON! (It almost sounds like “Debah!” a bit here)
NC: Wait, what did he say?
NC (voiceover): Yes, somebody please help DEBAH!! Be sure to let DEBAH!! know that he’s in DERY BIG TROUBAH!
(Nick runs up to Devon as the car with the two henchmen inside drive off the road to hit at Devon, who is on the ground)
(Nick dives to move Devon out of the way before the car returns to the road)
NC (voiceover): No! They were gonna…miss anyway.
Devon: That was just like Miami Vice.
NC (voiceover): So it’s decided that he should look after the boy, as Reynolds decides to do the safe thing again by bringing him on his assignments. If you haven’t guessed yet, folks, I’m not blown away with the police work here.
(At the bar, Nick approaches a shirtless strong man)
Nick: You Mr. Bobo?
Bobo #3: Ask your mother.
Nick: Good, because I want to talk to you. (He starts to grab Bobo #3, but gets grabbed and pushed across the bar)
NC (voiceover): He gets in a fight with the real Bobo guy, when suddenly, the kid has an idea to bail him out.
(Devon turns on a warning siren inside Nick’s car and speaks into the microphone; all the bar patrons hear this and quickly leave the bar on their motorbikes)
Devon: This is the SWAT team commander. We have you surrounded. Throw down your weapons. The police are here.
NC (voiceover): Really? The people honestly thought the little kid at the microphone was a cop? That’s pretty dumb. (chuckles) I mean, what’s next? A hostage negotiation handled by a three-year-old girl?
(NC sits and looks off-screen camera left before looking back at the camera)
NC: Oh, I don’t have a bit. I'm just asking.
(We cut to Nick arguing with Devon outside Nick's apartment after Devon left the apartment without Nick's permission)
NC (voiceover): So the next day, Reynolds decides AGAIN that he’s not qualified to look after the kid. I know Ping Pong balls that don’t go back and forth as much as he does!
Nick: (argues with Devon) Are you some kind of bonehead or what? I can’t handle this anymore. I cannot handle it anymore.
Devon: You call this being a father?
NC: (starts to answer, but stops to wonder) Which page are we on?
Nick: I’m not your father.
Darth Vader (from Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back): No. I am your father.
Nick: I’m not your partner either!
Devon: Fine! I don’t want you to be my father! I don’t want you to be my partner! (He starts to walk away and across the street) I’m gonna handle things myself!
Nick: Aw, Devon. Devon!
NC (voiceover): DEBAH!! Oh, my God, he has a hard enough time saying the kid’s name than Stallone does saying the word “law.”
Judge Dredd (from Judge Dredd): You betrayed the law!
Rico Dredd (from Judge Dredd): LAAAW!
Nick: Will you come—(a bus drives between where Nick and Devon stand) Devon!
(Once the bus passes by, Devon has disappeared; the X-Files theme music plays over this as Nick looks around a bit)
NC (voiceover): So DEBAHH! goes to the school playground where more hitmen try to get him. You know, ‘cause a public place like that certainly won’t draw any attention to an assassination.
Hitman #1: All right, everybody! Sit down! (All the children at the playground immediately sit down on the ground) Where is Devon Butler?
Boy #1: (stands up to raise his hand) I’m Devon Butler.
Girl #1: (stands up to raise her hand) I’m Devon Butler.
Man #1 (from Spartacus): I’m Spartacus!
Man #2 (from Spartacus): I’m Spartacus!
Man #3 (from Spartacus): I’m Spartacus!
Two Girls: (stand up to raise their hands) I’m Devon Butler!
Boy #2: (stands up to raise his hand) I’m Devon Butler!
Man #1 (from Monty Python’s Life of Brian): I’m Brian!
Man #2 (from Monty Python’s Life of Brian): I’m Brian!
Man #3 (from Monty Python’s Life of Brian): I’m Brian!
Boy #3: (stands up to raise his hand) I’m Devon Butler!
The other children on the playground: (stand up to raise their hands) I’m Devon Butler!
Boy #1 (from Malcolm X): I’m Malcolm X!
Boy #2 (from Malcolm X): I’m Malcolm X!
(All the children on the playground cheer together as the two hitmen walk away)
Boy #3: Fire!
(Three boys throw their Twinkies at the first hitman; the camera follows one of the Twinkies as it hits the man in the forehead)
NC: Did this movie just invent the Twinkie Cam?
(The clip of the Twinkie approaching the first hitman and hitting him in the forehead is shown again)
NC: That…needs to be seen more.
(Unable to find Devon, the two hitmen leave in their car, but Devon is shown to have been hiding in the back seat of the car)
NC (voiceover): But just when it looks like DEBAH!! escaped, it appears the kid is actually stupid enough to sneak inside their car and get caught.
Devon: (hides under a blanket in the back seat) Through radio. (Hitman #1 pulls the blanket off while driving before Devon sits up) You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say—
(Cut to black, and a gunshot is heard; NC’s fake credits for the movie (along with the Different Strokes theme song) are shown again)
Singers: Now, the world don’t move to the beat of just one drum.
(We cut back to the hitmen taking Devon to meet with Vinnie)
NC (voiceover): No, no, again, that would make sense, but instead, they just bring the kid to the crime boss, who THEN tells them that they can shoot him. Don’t you think he would’ve told them to do that in the first place?
(Cut to a man wearing a dark motorcycle helmet riding through a warehouse on his motorcycle as two goons are handling Devon personally)
Goon: Hey, Bobo, you’re late!
(The man steps off his motorbike to approach the goons)
NC (voiceover; sounds bored): It’s Burt Reynolds. It’s Burt Reynolds. It’s Burt Reynolds. He’s half the size. He doesn’t talk. It’s Burt Reynolds. (The man takes off his helmet to reveal that it’s Nick) Oh, hey! It’s Burt Reynolds.
(Nick starts a fight by throwing his helmet at Goon #2)
NC (voiceover): So he punches the thugs and rides the kid out on the bike. (Nick and Devon attempt to escape by running around the warehouse) Or he walks right past the bike and entraps himself deeper inside the warehouse. Whew! I thought someone almost grew a brain cell there.
Nick: (throws Devon on top of a pile of burlap sacks) Stay put.
NC (voiceover): But then Reynolds suddenly realizes, “DUHH! I have a bike!” and uses that to escape, right before stealing one of the gangster’s boats.
Hitman #1: (stands with Vinnie on his boat) They’re gonna jump the pipe!
(Nick and Devon yell as their speedboat rides up two pipes, lands on the dock and crashes into a pile of wooden crates)
NC (voiceover): So the gangsters decide they can do the exact same thing, do the exact same thing, and end up in a completely different location.
(Vinnie’s speedboat lands in a giant garbage bin; Cut to Devon pulling on a metal chain that lets fish chunks flow out of a pipe and onto Vinnie)
Vinnie: Hey! McKenna!
Nick Tatopoulos (from Godzilla): That’s a lot of fish.
NC (voiceover): So the cops arrest the mob boss, and we end with Reynolds and DEBAH!! taking a boat ride with his grandma.
Grandma: This is the life.
(The camera pulls back to show the three on a small boat together before the screen fades to black)
NC (voiceover): That was WEAK!
NC: And this movie is stupid. What else can you say but “Kill me!”
(Clips from the movie play again as NC speaks)
NC (voiceover): The little boy isn’t very entertaining, Burt Reynolds always looks like he’s ready for lunch, and the plot is every boring throwaway cliché from both kids films AND cops films from the 1990s. It’s a pile of ass on a pile of balls with a pile of dick. What’s that make? A pile load of Ass-Ball-Dick. (Accompanying text is shown onscreen)
NC: Well, Mr. Director, what do you have to say for yourself?
Fonzie (from Happy Days): Eyyyyy!
NC: (mocks Fonzie) Eyyyyyy! (flips off at the camera with both hands) Fuck you! I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. (He gets up to leave)
(The theme to Different Strokes plays as the credits music)
Channel Awesome Tagline—
(Cut to the clip of Nick eying the fruit stand from his squad car)
NC (voiceover; as Nick): God, I wanna hit that fruit stand! God, I wanna hit that fruit stand! God, I wanna hit that fruit stand!