February 21st, 2017
(The title sequence is shown (but is still the same as 2016), then open on the NC)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Let's talk about Ralph Bakshi.
(Cut to a shot of Bakshi)
NC (vo): From the '60s to the '80s, he was one of the few animation directors that insisted animation shouldn't just be for kids. In fact, some should be explicitly for adults.
(Cut to clips of some of Bakshi's work, such as Fritz the Cat, Heavy Traffic, Lord of the Rings, and Wizards)
NC (vo): This resulted in him making films that often gained critical and even box office success. Most of the time, these movies were weird, political, raunchy, and usually in bad taste. Bakshi himself also gained a reputation as being weird, political, raunchy, and usually in bad taste, usually splitting people's opinion of it. Some say he's a genius, others say he's mad, I say he's a mad genius.
NC: Yes, the madness can overshadow the genius, but the genius can also overshadow the madness. And since his passing recently, I figure it only makes sense to look at his greatest work, American Pop.
(Briefly cut to the title for American Pop)
NC: So, in loving memory of one our greatest animation legends, I give you– (suddenly, his phone rings and he answers it) Hello?... He's not dead? Oh. I coulda swore I heard that somewhere... What? (his eyes widen in shock) He's coming over here? (suddenly alarmed) OH, HELL NO, YOU KEEP THAT LOON AWAY FROM ME!!
(But it's too late: he hears an explosion and looks over toward the front door to see Ralph Bakshi himself (played by Rob) standing there)
Bakshi: You lazy asshole!
(He walks up to the NC and tries to swat and grab at him)
NC: (sputtering) Ow! (pushing Bakshi away) Stop it, stop it!
Bakshi: (as he speaks (in a lisp), various bits of Bakshi-type animations appear) You need to fight the crypto-fascist system of the Man... by throwing big-titted ladies in blackface waving around bananas... yeah, which represent our economic downfall!
NC: What the hell are you talking about?
Bakshi: I'm talking about... ah... (holding up a deranged-looking puppy) Here, have a puppy!
(Bakshi throws the puppy at the NC)
NC: (being hit with the puppy) Ow! (Bakshi walks up and slaps NC on the back) OW! Look, I kinda thought you weren't alive, meaning I could praise your genius without having to actually deal with you.
Bakshi: Stop sucking my cock, Critic, and talk about something really interesting.
NC: Like what?
Bakshi: Like the last feature film I ever mades [sic], Cool World!
(Cut to footage of Cool World)
NC (vo): Wait a minute, I thought that was one of your biggest cinematic disasters. It was critically panned, bombed like crazy, it didn't even really get a big cult following like your other films.
(Cut back to the NC and Bakshi)
Bakshi: Yeah, but, Critic, it's important to understand your failures. Isn't that what that show is about?
(Cut to more footage of Cool World)
Bakshi (vo): Through recognizing our mistakes and missteps, we can discover how not to fall into the same traps. It also helps us appreciate when we overcome these challenges...
Bakshi: ...as well as give an idea of what the artist originally had in mind.
NC: Wow. That's... actually kind of profound.
Bakshi: Have I mentioned how many producers I've punched in the face lately?
NC: (sighs) Well, nevertheless, you have a good point.
Bakshi: Yeah, more producers need to be beaten.
NC: NO! (beat) Maybe. (looking into camera) I'm talking about reviewing Cool World.
(Footage of the film follows)
NC (vo): Analyzing how it didn't work, why it didn't work, and how it wasn't necessarily a great director's fault.
(Cut back to Bakshi and NC)
Bakshi: Hey, did you ever see the movie I made for kids that had...
(Cut to shots of Wizards)
Bakshi (vo): ...swearing, gore and Nazi propaganda?
Bakshi: It's a (imitating NC's "idiot" voice) FAMILY picture!
NC: (sighs) Pray for me, guys. This is Cool World.
(The title is shown)
NC (vo): So nothing says cool, risque and badass like (a shot of a plane approaching McCarran Field in Las Vegas, Nevada, circa 1945, is shown) 1945's Nevada.
NC: The Lindy Hop could not be contained.
NC (vo): ...as World War II vet Frank, played by Brad Pitt, returns home to his mother...and he has the perfect surprise for an aging woman in her 40s: a motorcycle!
(We see Frank show his mother Agatha her new motorcycle)
Frank (Brad Pitt): You ready? We're going for a ride.
Agatha (Janni Brenn): Oh, no, no. I have to finish dinner.
Frank: Mom, one ride.
NC: (as Frank) Come on!
(As NC imitates Frank, we see clips of the following of what NC is saying)
NC (vo; as Frank): Let's go riding ten miles per hour in the middle of the desert in my best suit. We'll go down to the hottest spot in town: the Gambling Casino.
NC: Right next to the (image of...) Drinking Bar!
NC (vo): But a drunk couple are driving recklessly on the road and crash into Frank and his mom.
NC: Oh, no, not that couple. This one.
(We see a clip of Raoul Duke and Dr. Gonzo from Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas, edited together with the scene of Frank and Agatha crashing into the drunk couple's car. The motorcycle flies above the sky as the Goofy Holler is heard, before crashing to the ground. Frank is shown struggling to get up as war sounds are heard)
Man (stock audio): War is coming! War is coming in!
NC (vo): Frank, for a minute, thinks he's back in the war, until he realizes it's very unlikely his mother enlisted.
(Frank is shown cradling his dead mother's body while looking at the sky)
NC (vo; as Frank): Well, at least the bike's okay.
(Paramedics quickly appear to carry Agatha on a gurney into their truck. An added caption is shown in front of the scene)
Announcer: Don't ride motorcycles. This PSA brought to you by Canadian Broadcasting.
(As Agatha is being taken out, we then cut to an animated world where a spike is lit up by a cartoon scientist named Dr. Vincent Whiskers (AKA Vegas Vinnie); the spike fires a laser)
NC: (startled yelp)
(The laser tears open a hole that reveals the real world where the ambulance is taking Frank's mother away)
Dr. Whiskers (Maurice LaMarche): Well, it works. My spike works.
NC: (looking around shiftily) Boy, if you started watching this movie with no idea what it's about, that would be totally out of left field, wouldn't i?
NC (vo): (as police tend to Frank) I wonder what's gonna happen? Maybe he'll get revenge on the driver, or ask how he reenlists to distract from the pain, or...
(Suddenly, Frank screams as he starts glowing cartoonishly, then disappears in a cartoon explosion; he is teleported into Cool World)
Dr. Whiskers: Oh, bother! (storms off in frustration)
NC: (blinking eyes) Dr. Wily...
NC (vo): ...creates Brad Pitt Man.
Frank: (dazed) You're not real...
Dr. Whiskers: We may not be real to you as yet, but we will be.
NC (vo): Just as Frank is wondering why he is in a different movie – presumably called Who Plagiarized Roger Rabbit – (in the movie, the words "Las Vegas 1992" pop up, followed by shots of a prison) we cut a mere 47 years later, where a prisoner named Jack, played by Gabriel Byrne, is getting dragged into his cartoons.
(Jack Deebs is seen in his cell drawing a sexy girl (Holli Would), but suddenly, the hands of the drawing come to life and he suddenly starts glowing and disappears into Cool World; he is falling through through a cartoonishly hellish cityscape)
NC: Wow, the ultimate ending to Shawshank Redemption is much more classic Stephen King.
(Jack enters a nightclub in this cartoon universe)
NC (vo): Thus, he's given his introduction not only to Cool World, but to Holli Would, played by Kim Basinger.
(Jack stares in awe as Holli does a very sexy dance to hard rock (edited in by NC for copyright purposes))
NC: (as Jack; staring and swaying his head) My God, I've created anime!
(Jake reaches his hand out to Holli as she dances toward him)
NC (vo): Man, this guy knows all the smooth moves, doesn't he?
NC: He's doing the classic (reaches out hand towards camera, in imitation of Jack) "put boob..."
NC (vo): "...here" technique.
(Suddenly, Jack finds himself back in his jail cell)
NC (vo): But Jack is... immediately sent back... I guess Holli just wanted to ask if her body was as impractical as (image of...) Jessica Rabbit's? (Frank, who hadn't aged a bit in 47 years apparently, walks out on a Cool World street) ...as we see 47 years have been pretty kind to Brad Pitt.
NC: Actually, who am I kidding? (a shot of present-day Brad Pitt, who looks well-preserved for his age, appears in the corner) They fucking have!
NC (vo): But he's angry because Holli apparently brought a human, or 'Noid, as they call them, into their world.
Frank: Rumor has it, Holli, that you had a 'Noid visitation at the Slash Club last night.
NC: (as Frank) Don't you know what they do to pizzas? (a shot of the Noid of Domino's Pizza fame appears in the corner)
Holli (Kim Basinger): You're just a regular true believer of law and order, huh?
(Frank walks around and sees a group of cartoon rats playing poker; one glares at Frank)
Rat (Maurice LaMarche): Beat it, copper.
NC (vo; as rat): We're gamblin' on Fievel's ransom.
(Other cartoon characters are seen in the area, including a goofily-dancing figure, two biplanes engaged in a dog fight, and a cat getting clobbered by random falling objects)
NC (vo): And by the way, if you think some of these animated sections seem... random, check the rating on the what-the-piss-o-meter with these scenes during their chat.
Holli: (running her hands over Frank's body) You could help me...
(As she speaks, a drawing of the head of a pitbull wearing sunglasses, looking translucent, floats by; the head shakes)
NC: (more than a little perplexed) Ghost of Spuds MacKenzie does not approve?
NC (vo): Get a load of this one...
Holli: Don't you see?
(As Holli talks to Frank, various other cartoon characters randomly run around, including a large, bearded man bitten by a dog, a headless woman holding her head on a plate, a bear with a spear in its rear, and the Grim Reaper crazily wielding a scythe, among others; these animations happen not once, but twice, then abruptly cut out)
Holli: They're real! (NC shakes head in confusion) They really taste it! (the random animations from moments ago play AGAIN!) And when they do it with a man... ohhhh!
NC: (turning to Bakshi) So, Ralph...
Bakshi: (holding a sub sandwich with eyeballs in it) Yeah, what?
NC: First of all, what are you eating?
Bakshi: An eyeball-and-mustard sandwich, of course.
NC: Of course. Second, what's with the random bits of animation not tying into anything?
Bakshi: Oh, well, we were gonna have all sorts of cool stuff, but then the s-s-studio got involved, and next thing you know, we didn't even have a script! So, with nothing to do, I was just like, "Hey, friends, uh, just draw some random shit and we'll just toss that on the screen somewhere."
NC: Yeah, but some of those animations aren't even finished. In fact, you actually played...
(The random animations from during Holli and Frank's chat are shown again)
NC (vo): ...this animation twice in the same scene – literally drawing attention to the problem!
NC: Did you think showing it twice would somehow complete it?
Bakshi: Hey, I wanted to show the s-s-studio what happens when you mess with an artist's vision!
NC: You have a bad movie with your name on it.
Bakshi: And get paid for it!
NC: ...I can't tell if you're my hero, or the worst kind of crazy.
Bakshi: Can't it be both?
(Cut back to the film, where we see still more nonsensical cartoon characters)
NC (vo): So while I'm enduring the side cartoons you see in MAD Magazine...
(Jack is seen leaving the prison, a free man, and goes to a comic shop, where "Cool World" is being sold)
NC (vo): ...it looks like Jack is let out of prison, and he goes to a comic shop, where he sees his comic "Cool World" is being sold. (referring to the young woman at the cash register, with whom Jack is conversing) And if I had a nickel for every comic shop employee who looked like this...
Cashier (Carrie Hamilton): I mean, I know people, friends who wanted to be Holli Would when they grow up.
NC: (puzzled) "When they grow up"? How old are your friends, five?!
(Cut to a shot of a little girl in a conical costume, during the film)
NC (vo; as little girl): I always wanted to be a personalityless shell! (normal) But we find out a little more about why he was in jail.
Customer (Stephen Worth): (to Jack) Why don't you do a book on that guy you murdered? (the cashier glares at him while Jack feels guilty) You know, that guy you found in bed with your wife?
NC: (stunned) Whoa! Well, uh... that's a big development. Holy smokes, one of our main characters is a killer. Well, I... wonder where they're gonna take this... (in the film, Jack leaves the store) Right out the door! That's where they take it, right out the goddamn door!
NC (vo): Our hero is apparently a murderer, who... (looks closely at Jack's new book, "Cool World and Beyond") judging by the picture on his book, was not in jail very long! And it's never referenced again, and we're supposed to just sympathize with him when he goes back to Cool World, which also has no explanation on how that's happening!
NC: You know, maybe it's supposed to be like one of those deep character studies where you're not supposed to know if he did it or not. I mean, after all, they do give him a lot of deep writing, like...
Jack (Gabriel Byrne): (to Holli) Am I dreaming?
Jack: (in the passenger seat with Holli driving) Yeah...
Jack: (to Holli) I drew you.
Jack: (to Frank) Yeah...
NC: Not forgetting...
Jack: (to Holli) What?
NC: Okay, was this dude charged by the letter? WHY ARE HIS LINES SO SHORT?!
NC (vo): We can't even get to know this guy, because he has as much dialog as (image of...) Gromit! In fact, Gromit has more personality than this guy ever has, and he never says a word!
(Holli jams her lit cigarette into the back of Jack's hand; he reacts in pain, while she smiles at him)
NC (vo): But then again, maybe that's good when you do hear the dialog that actually happens.
Jack: Why did you do that?
Holli: Because I dig you.
NC: To be fair, if I had to say lines like this, I'd kill someone, too.
(In the film, Jack meets Slash, Mash, Bash and Bob, Holli's henchmen)
NC (vo): So while he indulges the Nightmare On Elm Street babies, (cut to Frank meeting Lonette, another cartoon woman) Frank stops by... um, Black Hair Holli.
Frank: Word is, you got a thing for 'Noids.
Lonette (Candi Milo): Tough guy.
(She giggles as Frank puts her arm around her and she puts her arm around him – it looks unrealistic)
Frank: All right, where do want to go, uh, movies?
NC: Amazing how well that syncs up, isn't it?
(A green arrow is pointed towards the bottom, presumably at Lonette's feet, to approximate her height compared to Frank's)
NC (vo): How big did he think she was when filming this? (Lonette is stretched-out, Photoshop-style) She'd have to be stretched out like a squashed Wile E. Coyote to match that push!
(Frank's partner, a cigar-smoking cartoon spider named Nails, runs up)
Nails (Charlie Adler): Hey, boss, we gotta go!
NC (vo): But he gets interrupted and has to head out. (Frank and Nails gets in the car) So their car suddenly turns into... a... cartoon...
(As he says this, the car suddenly takes off like a rocket – a cartoon rocket, leaving behind a trail of smoke and a squashed cartoon cat in its wake)
NC: Okay, Ralph. (Bakshi appears out of thin air) Why are sometimes things animated and then other times they're three dimensions? Like the car or the cardboard cutouts?
Bakshi: Why does everybody call my characters that?!
NC: I mean the actual cardboard cutouts.
Bakshi: Oh. See, I wanted it to be like a live-action painting.
(To Beethoven's "Fur Elise", cut to a montage of several paintings by Bakshi)
Bakshi (vo): You see, that's what I did for years and years: paint!
(Cut to footage of Cool World)
Bakshi (vo): And I wanted to transform the lights and shadows of my work into a more physical dimension.
Bakshi: In fact, originally I was gonna call it, (holds up both hands) "Background: The Movie".
(Suddenly, a woman (played by Tamara) appears from behind Bakshi)
Woman: You just don't understand, Critic. (NC lets out a startled yelp at the arrival of the woman) He's showing the anguish of our utilitarian world colliding with the abstract of untapped potential.
Bakshi: With boobies!
NC: Where the hell did you come from? Follow-up question: who the hell are you?
Woman: I'm Julie Taymor, director of countless Broadway hits (posters of several Broadway plays that Taymor directed pop up: The Lion King, Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark, A Midsummer Night's Dream and The Magic Flute) and kind of good movies. (posters for movies that Taymor directed pop up: Across the Universe, Frida and Titus)
Bakshi: She helped me escape!
NC: Oh, okay. So– What the fuck do you mean "escape"?
Taymor: Oh, escape. Don't you know? We were in the Institute for the Artistically Insane.
NC: Oh, my God, I've heard of that. That's where artists go when their ideas stop obeying logic and reason.
Taymor: I don't know why I was there. Having Bono do Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark, it killed!
NC: Literally. It literally killed.
Taymor: Hey, you can't make an omelet without breaking some heads, yo.
Bakshi: It's true.
(A black man (played by Malcolm) in a beard, glasses and baseball cap reading "King" appears from behind Bakshi)
Man: Yeah, you just don't get us, Critic.
NC: (at the sight of the black man, facepalming himself) Oh, God, Spike Lee!
Lee: Can you believe they put me in there? After I directed 65 projects and at least 1/3 was watchable?
Bakshi: (putting his arms around Taymor and Lee) It's why I love you guys. You understand me! And the struggle! Which is real!
(NC watches with disbelief)
Lee: His work is about the oppression of blacks against whites, as told through an animated backdrop of color and no color. (to Bakshi) Right?
Bakshi: Yeah! With boobies.
NC: Well, at least nobody else escaped.
Taymor: Oh, well, there was that one guy who almost got away, but they caught him just in time.
(Cut to a jail cell, where Shyamalan is being imprisoned)
Shyamalan: But I had two hit movies, back to back!
(As he says, it is revealed that Shyamalan has a cellmate: Woody Allen (played by Jim Jarosz))
Allen: Don't worry about it. Just get yourself nominated for another Oscar, and they'll forget all the horrible things that you've done.
(Cut back to Cool World)
NC (vo): So Holli takes Jack to her club... (it is shown that the trunk of the car they're in is shaped like boobs, with the taillights strategically placed) Jesus, even the cars are giving me hard! But Frank stops him and explains – poorly – what's going on.
Jack: (Frank confiscated his fountain pen) I'm a cartoonist; I drew all this.
(Nails the spider is seen knocking back a mug of beer)
Frank: This place exists with or without you. You believe me, right? I'm not one of your creations.
NC: Oh! Now everything makes sense! Thanks for clearing that up! We don't need any more information beyond that! It's like God coming out and saying...
(Cut to a shot of the Earth from space)
God: (voiced by Doug) I created the cosmos and the universe! Oh, except for Sweden. (cut to a shot of the map of Sweden) I don't know where that came from. Oh, well, I'll just accept it. Sweden...
(Cut back to Cool World; Frank holds up Jack's fountain pen to the latter's face)
Frank: Ordinary fountain pen, right? Around here, this can be a big nuissance.
(As he says this, a translucent drawing (similar to that of the pit bull from earlier) of a head with a bulging eye floats past in the foreground)
NC: Kind of like our foreground.
Frank: One should be careful how they wave this thing.
Jack: No, I don't get it.
Frank: 'Course you don't get it, 'cause you're a whackadoo.
NC: Hey! That is OUR word!
NC (vo): He also explains that in this world of cartoons, or Doodles, there's only one law: 'Noids do not have sex with Doodles.
Frank: (referring to Holli) Think she's got a thing for you, don't you? Truth is, she's been after me and every other 'Noid who's come through here. It's just that no one's been insane enough to get involved with her.
NC: (blinks eyes in confusion) I somehow doubt that. Have you seen DeviantArt? (a drawing of Jake (from The Rescuers Down Under) having sex with Timon appears in the corner) Getting involved with her is not the craziest thing, compared to others.
(In the movie, Jack returns home, then drives out to the desert)
NC (vo): So Jack is dropped off back home, resulting in him driving to the desert to pace. (beat) Well, that was worth a whole shooting day! (Jack is suddenly back home, where he is teleported back to Cool World) Back to where we just were! (Jack winds up on an opera stage, startling the Doodles performing) Thank God we had that essential (the subtitle "26 seconds" pops up) 26 seconds of him being in the real world! Now we can go back to... exactly the same place we were!
NC: Why don't they just call this "Scenes"? "Scenes World"!
NC (vo): So after... oh, something stupid... (Holli's goons drive what looks like a bumper car up onto the opera stage where Jack is) Frank goes back to Holli's place.
Nails: (to Frank) Do you think she'll let us in?
NC: Well, it is one of only (holds up two fingers) two places he goes in this city, so I would hope so.
NC (vo): He goes up to Holli to say... pretty much the same thing he always says.
Frank: You stay away from the 'Noid.
NC: Yeah, that's like 90% of your dialog. You're totally on repeat. You're...
(Cut to a shot of...)
NC (vo): ...the mother-daughter scenes from The Room!
(Cut back to Cool World)
NC (vo): We heard you once, the other 70 kajillion times aren't needed!
Frank: Be content with the cards you've been dealt.
Holli: Well, you prance around here waving that gun around like you're some big deal.
NC (vo): Wait, wait.
NC: Hold on, is anyone listening to us, or are you too distracted by...
(Cut back to the scene in question, where Frank is surrounding by a few Doodles)
NC (vo): ...the background? I know you can chew the scenery...
NC: ...but what do you do when the scenery chews you?
NC (vo): But Holli of course has Jack hidden and definitely has plans to feel the burn.
NC: But not before a lot of persuading.
(Holli has Jack on the former's bed, ready to have sex with him)
Jack: I can't go any further than this, Holli.
Holli: (running her hands on his shirt) Are you going to follow the rules?
Holli: (unbuttoning his shirt) Or are you going to follow... your instincts?
NC: Persuading over!
(To the same nondescript hard rock music from when Jack first meets Holli, Holli takes off her gloves)
NC: (grimacing) I feel like I'm getting an STD just watching this.
(Outside her window, Holli's goons are watching as she and Jack have sex; suddenly, there is an explosion that shatters the window and propels her goons away; they fall to the ground below)
NC (vo): WHOA-HO! No wonder you weren't supposed to fuck a Doodle! Apparently, they explode! Blow jobs blow up! But it's all good, 'cause we have this incredibly funny line to end on.
(Dazed, Slash, Mash, Bash and Bob all sit up)
Bob: Was it good for you?
Slash: It wasn't what I expected.
NC: The movie in a nutshell.
(And with that, we go to a commercial break; upon return from the break, we cut back to Cool World, where Frank and Lonette are at a bar)
NC (vo): So Frank AGAIN goes to visit his girlfriend...
NC: Is this police route, like, (a line is drawn with one end marked "Holly's [sic] Place" and the other end marked "Girlfriend's Place") one line in between two places?
NC (vo): ...where he once again makes awkward chitchat.
(Lonette looks nervous, so Frank gives her what looks like a massage – the massage looks quite unrealistic as his hands barely move at all or even flex)
Frank: Tough night?
NC (vo): Now that's a sensual massage.
NC: (holding up both hands in imitation of Frank's massage) I call this the "almost puppet mouth".
(Back at Holli's place, Holli slowly turns into a real-life human being)
NC (vo): We also see that having sex with a 'Noid results in the Doodle becoming a 'Noid herself.
(Cut to a closeup of Holli's face as she transforms from Doodle to 'Noid)
NC (vo; as Holli): Oh, I suddenly want to make terrible career choices, like being in Fifty Shades Darker. (normal voice, as Holli walks up to Slash, Mash, Bash and Bob) She of course wants to go to the real world to see if that too looks like a lesser production of Bebe's Kids. (to a very cartoonish flash, Jack and Holli are teleported to the real world) And because exposition is apparently too expensive, they just transport again without ever explaining how.
NC: Okay, Ralph. (Bakshi, Julie Taymor and Spike Lee listen intently) They start off talking about this spike that's used...
(Cut to footage of the film)
NC (vo): ...to teleport people in between worlds. Yet it's never used again in any of these other teleportations. It just seems to happen whenever they want. And sometimes even when they don't want!
NC: How do you explain that?
Bakshi: Oh, I don't know.
NC: (beat, then incredulously) WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW?!? I thought you wrote the script!
Bakshi: Well, the original script, yeah.
(Cut to some shots of the Cool World skyline)
Bakshi (vo): You see, I sold Paramount (the following text is displayed as Bakshi says it:) a hard "R" animated horror film, (a promo shot of Who Framed Roger Rabbit is shown, featuring Roger Rabbit posing with Eddie Valiant) mixed with live action, (Jason Voorhees' hockey mask is placed on Roger's face) because that kind of genre has never been done before.
(Cut to a shot of Bakshi, posing with a cutout of one of Cool World's cars)
Bakshi (vo): But on the first day of shooting, I was given a completely different script that was written in secret by two other writers. (shots of the writers, Michael Grais and Mark Victor, are shown) So, literally from day one, I didn't know what I was doing, because the movie I wrote wasn't the movie I fucking wrote!
NC: Holy smokes, no wonder so much of this doesn't make any sense.
Taymor: It actually happens more than you know.
Lee: Yeah, producers change everything, and we get all the blame.
NC: (sighs) When will people learn that the vision of the artist is all you need to make something brilliant?
Lee: (to Bakshi) By the way, I love when you did Lord of the Rings, how you made Saruman, Aruman.
Bakshi: Yeah, I just hate the letter "S".
Lee: As you should.
Taymor: Well, that's nothing compared to how you did a torture scene in Drop Squad in Oreo cookies.
Lee: And dressed a woman like Aunt Jemima.
Bakshi: Or you drop, like, a third of the story in Across the Universe.
Taymor: Nobody understood!
Bakshi: They never do.
NC: I'm not sure it's a bad thing.
(In the movie, Jack and Holli go to a nightclub in Las Vegas, where Frank Sinatra, Jr., performs in a band)
NC (vo): So the two of them end up in a nightclub, where we see Frank Sinatra, Jr., figuring out the best way to fire his agent.
NC: Seriously, why did he take this cameo?
Holli: (to Frank, Jr.) Let's make love.
NC: (shrugs) Well, that answers that.
Jack: Hey! She's with me!
Frank, Jr.: (grabbing Jack) No, she's with us!
(The bouncer grabs Jack and throws him out of the nightclub)
NC (vo): Dude, what the hell kind of place is this?
NC: (as bouncer) The price to go in is $20 and your girlfriend! Also, you don't get to go in.
(Holli starts singing "Let's Make Love" with Frank, Jr.'s band)
NC (vo): Holli poorly lip-syncs as Sinatra, Jr., is starting to look thankful nobody's ever going to see this...
(Back in Cool World, Frank and Lonette are having a moment together as he plans to return to the real world)
NC (vo): ...while it looks like Frank has to go to the real world to get Holli back, so he kisses his girlfriend goodbye. (suddenly, the city skyline turns into a shot of Frank and his mother driving through the desert) ...While thinking about his mother...?
Frank: NOOOOOO!!! (suddenly, he glows cartoonishly and explodes)
NC: (at a loss for words; throws out his arms) THIIIIIIIIINNNNGGGSSSS!!!!
NC (vo): Holli goes to find the spike mentioned in the opening, thinking it can combine their two worlds together, because...
NC: (throws his arms out again) ...THIIIINGS!!
NC (vo): ...while Frank tries to figure out from Jack where she is.
Frank: I'm taking you and the bimbo back.
Jack: What are you going to do, shoot me? (beat) WHY DON'T YOU SHOOT ME, GODDAMN IT!
NC: Don't try to have character now, there's like twenty minutes left.
NC (vo): Jack agrees to take Frank to Holli, while Holli is having some "wacky comedic moments"!
(Holli stands with her back to the open door of a taxicab; the cab driver stares at her)
Cab driver: (looking up as she looks down into cab) Miss? (they alternately look up and down several times)
NC: (as cab driver) I see you've played idiot seesaw before. (nods)
(In the film, Holli grabs at a man in an overcoat and lifts him into the air; out falls Dr. "Vegas Vinny" Whiskers, the Doodle scientist from the beginning of the movie)
NC (vo): Sure enough, she comes across the scientist who invented the spike and crossed over, dressed as... Little... (an image of...) Darkman... (they look to the roof of the Union Plaza building) and he tells her that the spike is at the top of the casino, where Frank is waiting for her.
Frank: (aiming a gun at Holli in a dark room in the casino) Guess what, you're through.
NC: (as Frank, pretending to aim a gun) That was my attempt at humor. It's about as good as this. (the cab scene is replayed again)
NC (vo): But as Holli starts changing into a Doodle, she tries to use her ability to walk through the wall. (flip-flopping between 'Noid and Doodle form (more cartoonish than before), Holli (in 'Noid form again) crashes into the wall and falls down) ...Because that's something they could do in Cool World?
NC: (as Holli) I was hoping the sloppy editing...
(The random running-around animations from earlier that abruptly cut out is shown again)
NC (vo): ...that would jump-cut people out of rooms...
NC: ...would work for me, too.
(Flashing between 'Noid and Doodle, Holli shoves Frank off the building, sending him falling to his death)
NC (vo, normal): Holli knocks him off the building... (pointing out the obvious strings holding him as he falls) but thankfully he seems to be a puppet... Nevertheless, he turns into a splat pit.
Dr. Whiskers: Jack, this is your chance to make it right.
Jack: (his hands and arms turn into Doodle hands and arms) Do something right... (his arms stretch cartoonishly up the Union Plaza building)
Dr. Whiskers: (watching Jack lift himself up the building by his cartoon arms) He's fulfilling his destiny! He's becoming... a hero!
NC: (incredulous) What?!?
Taymor: (to Bakshi) Ooh, isn't this where you put your audio commentary in the movie?
Bakshi: Oh, you better believe it, doll!
(The scene of Jack lifting himself up the building by his Doodle arms is shown again)
Bakshi (vo): Ladies and gentlemen, according to the new screenplay I was just handed before shooting this scene, this was all about Jack becoming a hero. I don't get it, either, but I made (poster of...) Wizards. I'm not saying that to impress you, I'm saying that to make myself feel better. You may now return to this bullshit.
(On the roof of the building, Holli grabs the glowing spike)
NC (vo): She eventually finds the spike...
She-Ra: (as Holli lifts spike in the air) I AM SHE-RA!
NC (vo): ...and unleashes the Cool World on the real world.
(As various demented and demonic Doodles start flying out of the top of the building to spread chaos everywhere, and Holli turns back fully into a Doodle herself, Jack makes his way to the roof and touches the spike in Holli's hand; suddenly, he is turned into a Doodle superhero; Holli yelps in surprise)
NC (vo): Huh, well, look at that, they went from Gabriel Byrne only having a few lines to just tossing him out of the movie altogether. Yeah, now he's a superhero trying to stop Holli from destroying the world! It's not even him doing the voice!
(Super Jack is trying to return the spike, but he gets captured and tangled by a bunch of demonic Doodles)
Super Jack (Maurice LaMarche): (as he gets captured, his mouth movements do not match what he says) You fiends, trying to stop me!
NC (vo): Half the time, their mouths don't even move when they talk.
(Super Jack smiles at Holli, laughing through his teeth)
Holli: (her mouth not moving either) Oh, please! Pencil dicks.
(Two demon Doodles turn a man and a woman walking along into a Doodle hippo and Doodle bird, respectively, while Super Jack battles the various demons, one by one; appropriate cartoon sound effects are heard every time he punches)
NC: Well, this is a really nice Ren and Stimpy cartoon. (eyes blink rapidly) Actually, it's not even that, but could we possibly return to the movie? You know, with conflict and such?
Holli: Give me the spike, Jack.
Super Jack: Okay, honey boo.
(He starts walking up to Holli to give her the spike, but suddenly a demon Doodle that resembles Nails the spider pops up)
Demon Doodle: Hey, goody, goody, goody!
Super Jack: A trick! I must do what is right and return the spike! (hops away with the spike)
NC: (not amused) That was your conflict, huh? That was your big climax of the movie? (nods) And let me guess: there's just a bunch of yelling and screaming to follow?
(In the movie, not only does Holli scream as the spike is returned, but her eyes bug out in cartoon fashion, as the demons are sucked away)
NC (vo): Yeah, okay.
NC: Ralph, (Bakshi, Julie Taymor and Spike Lee look toward NC) I can't believe I'm asking this, but... what was your original idea for this movie? The script that Paramount bought at first?
Bakshi: Well, it was about a guy who has sex with a cartoon character.
NC: Okay, so it was crap.
Bakshi: And then they gave birth to a psychopathic killer!
Bakshi: See, it was supposed to be about the child, who grows up...
(Cut to story sketches of Bakshi's original concept for the movie, with Bakshi describing them)
Bakshi (vo): ...resenting his father because he abandoned him. So he goes into the real world, being half man and half cartoon...
(Cut back briefly to the NC)
Bakshi: ...and tries to kill him!
(Cut to another story sketch of Bakshi's original story, this one of the offspring looking towards a woman who looks like Holli)
Bakshi (vo): In the end, he discovers he's an abomination that can't live in either world.
NC: Wow. I mean, it sounds crazy, but... it also kinda sounds deep.
(More story sketches are shown)
Bakshi (vo): I know my stuff is bonkers, but it comes from a place of real passion, before the s-s-s-studio gets in the way! (a shot of Kim Basinger appears in the corner) Even Kim Basinger was trying to change it.
NC: Kim Basinger, really?
(Cut to a shot of Kim Basinger in front of a poster for a movie she starred in called The Informer)
Bakshi (vo): Yeah, she wanted it more family-friendly so she could show it to the kids she visited in the hospital.
(Cut to another story sketch)
Bakshi (vo): I says, "Kim, that's a nice thought, but it really isn't the sort of picture for that sort of thing. Uh, might I recommend... uh... (a poster of...) Fritz the Cat."
NC: So, instead of an animated, psychological, hard-R horror film, we got...
(Cut to a clip of Super Jack in Cool World)
Super Jack: It's up to me to return the spike!
NC: ...the jacked-up adventures of Bananaman?
Bakshi: Yeah, why do you think I riggeds it so that (a shot of...) Holli Would is the main villain destroying everything in the picture?
NC: That's actually clever. Was that intentional?
Bakshi: I dunno. I mean, yeah! (Lee and Taymor smile) I dunno... (Lee and Taymor shake their heads)
NC: I guess...
(Cut to the ending scenes of Cool World)
NC (vo): ...there's not really much else to talk about. The spike is returned, and Frank's partner takes his body back to his girlfriend. (beat) In the most cautious way possible.
Lonette: (about to cry) Oh, Frank, honey, no, please! Oh, no, please! (to Nails) Was she a Doodle when she iced him? When they get killed by a Doodle, they become a Doodle themselves.
(Suddenly, Frank turns into a Doodle and then comes to)
Frank: (jumps in the air) Ba-dum-bum... (does a brief tap dance) BUM!
Lonette: (elated) Oh my God!
(Suddenly, as Frank addresses Lonette and Nails, and the latter two hug over his revival and Doodle transformation, there's the sound of static)
Bakshi (vo): This is the director again. I'm looking at the script here I just received... Ugh... Yeah, I'm just an errand boy.
NC: So, happily whatever after, I guess...
NC (vo): ...as Frank and his girlfriend can now doodle the noodle...
(Cut to the very end of the movie, where Super Jack and a disgruntled Holli walk off into the sunset, on a panel of a comic book; he is dancing about idiotically while she stomps her feet in frustration)
NC (vo): ...and Jack's personality, I guess, is erased from existence as he stays the superhero pissing off Holli.
Super Jack: Oh, we're going to be delirious happy, honey boo!
(The phrase "The End" is displayed)
Holli: Pencil dick!
NC: And that was... a thing. A very, very bad thing.
NC (vo): Cool World has little to no focus and is amazingly sloppy in every category: character, story, technique. Most of it either goes nowhere or falls awkwardly flat.
NC: (holds up both hands) But... (grimaces) I will defend it a little bit.
NC (vo): As easy as it is to pick on, there is some amazing stuff. The animation is phenomenal... except when it's not. The backgrounds are spectacular... except when they're not. This is arguably Ralph Bakshi's best-looking film...
NC: Fill in the blank.
NC (vo): I can't act like there's nothing here of value. Some of these visuals are jaw-droppingly inspired, and it's not fair to just bunch them together with everything else that doesn't work. So many of these images could be frozen, and they'd be regarded as surreal masterworks. Even the animation has a wide range of style: Disney, Looney Tunes, action comics, underground comics, and that really should be admired. So, is it good? God no! But there is good stuff in it to open up the imagination.
NC: And you know what? I'm thankful for that, Bakshi. (Bakshi, Taymor and Lee smile) I'm thankful for all your insanity, even when it doesn't work. Because when you think that much outside the box, even when it doesn't succeed, it can still inspire people.