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Constantine

Constantine nc

Released
July 3, 2019
Running Time
25:00
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(The Channel Awesome logo and show intro play)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. So... (gestures toward an image of Keanu Reeves in the corner) when did this guy turn into the most awesome actor alive?

(The Instagram and Twitter photos of Keanu Reeves in the 2010s are shown, followed by several clips from movies like John Wick, Always Be My Maybe, Toy Story 4 (focusing on Duke Caboom), the promo poster for then-upcoming video game Cyberpunk 2077, etc.)

NC (vo): Don't get me wrong, I hear Keanu Reeves is an awesome human being and everything, but I'm talking specifically about him as an entertainer. In the post-Bill & Ted days, it was like pulling teeth to get a performance that wasn't stilted and wooden. In fact, it's still rumored that The Matrix films were shot with a tree in shades. (A shot of Neo, Trinity and Morpheus is shown, and Neo is replaced by a tree wearing shades) In recent years, though, the guy has become a non-stop bulldozer of ass-kicking cool. From his amazing acting and fighting in the John Wick films, to his hilarious cameos he made in some films like Always Be My Maybe, to even making kids laugh in Toy Story sequels. Yeah, I said "sequels". (A fan-made poster for Toy Story 5 is shown as NC chuckles) That's cute, you think there won't be more. Somewhere, the guy went from box office boredom to box office fire. And you know what? Good for him. It's great when an actor not only hits a second wind, but it's ten times more entertaining than the first wind he started out with.

(Posters for other films starring Reeves are shown: Johnny Mnemonic, The Day the Earth Stood Still (2008), 47 Ronin, A Scanner Darkly and Man of Tai Chi)

NC (vo): Which makes it all the more fun to discuss his winds of passing with his epic little flop-busters he's done in the past.

NC: (smiles) Like Constantine!

(The title for the 2005 movie Constantine is shown, followed by its clips)

NC (vo): Released in 2005, the comic book-based epic did little to win over fans, critics, or your average moviegoer. Back in the day when people were saying less (sounding excited) "Oh, a Keanu Reeves movie!" and more (sounding disgusted) "Ohh, the Keanu Reeves movie...", this was one of the biggest box-office low points in Reeves' career. Some would say this wasn't a shock, as the movie had about as much personality as Reeves' acting did at the time, which is somewhere in the mathematical ballpark of how many nutrients (image of...) a KFC Cheeto sandwich has. While we can certainly smile now, knowing Reeves' career has made an explosive comeback, it is interesting to marvel at what a deep, yet dull pit he had to climb out of. Is that pit deep enough to reach the flames of H-E double hockey stick, or is it too boring to even pull that off? Well, let's take a look. This is a movie so bad, nobody else could possibly make a comeback from it...

NC: (as a photo of Rachel Weisz is shown) Except her. (Next is Tilda Swinton) Maybe her. (It's followed by the film's director, Francis Lawrence, making NC annoyed) Give me something! (Image of Shia LaBeouf) Thank you. This is Constantine!

(The Warner Bros. logo suddenly disperses as the sky behind turns a stormy brown)

NC (vo): Ooh, this is Warner Bros. after they released (poster of...) Crimes of Grindelwald.

(The following is shown on the black screen: "He who possesses the Spear of Destiny holds the fate of the world in his hands. The Spear of Destiny has been missing since the end of World War II.")

NC (vo): Aw, great.

NC: Now I'm just wishing this was a Wolfenstein movie. (puts up index finger, smiling) Whoa-fenstein. (The word "JOKES" pops up below as a snippet of "Hello, My Baby" (from the Looney Tunes short One Froggy Evening) is played briefly)

(The movie begins in the Mexican countryside, where a scavenger named Manuel finds a spearhead wrapped in a Nazi flag at the ruins of an old church)

NC (vo): We open on two guys outside of burnt-down church discovering an artifact wrapped in a Nazi flag. You know, you gotta be careful in the wide open desert. An incredibly quiet car at top speed might sneak up on you.

(Just as said, the convertible abruptly crashes into Manuel)

NC: Hence the traffic signs. (As he speaks, a sign with the sentence NC said above appears in the corner)

(Manuel survives the crash and flees to the US with the spearhead. We go to Los Angeles, where an occult detective John Constantine, played by Reeves, arrives and prepares to exorcise a Filipina girl possessed by a demon trying to break through to Earth)

NC (vo): He walks away without a scratch, though, as we cut to an apartment being approached by a man putting his cigarette out on the camera, as it looks like this man is Constantine, played by Reeves. Apparently, a young girl is possessed, and he's there to beat the Satan out of her.

(Constantine gets on the bed and moves closer to the girl, who's tied up on it)

Constantine: (whispers) This is Constantine.

NC: Faker. She just wanted Reeves to thrust himself on her bed.

NC (vo): Few people know the best way to conduct an exorcism is by punching.

(Before the demon could get out of the girl's body, Constantine punches it in the face, knocking it and the girl unconscious)

Constantine: I need a mirror.

NC: (as Constantine) I have to make sure my hair didn't de-fluff mid-punch.

Constantine: (to the family watching him) Move!

NC (vo; as a family member): Well, he punched our daughter. He must know what he's doing.

(In a mirror reflection, the demon walks out of the girl's body and is trapped inside, making him vulnerable for Constantine)

NC (vo): They place a mirror above her, as that somehow transports the demon inside.

Constantine: (flipping the demon the bird) For your boss.

NC: (as Constantine, flipping the camera the bird) The power of Christ makes you sit and spin, asshole!

(Constantine orders his assistant, John Kramer, to toss the rope for him. He ties it to the mirror and attempts to break it by holding the other end, his legs standing on the bed's edge)

NC: At this point, you have to wonder if the "E" in "Wile E. Coyote"...

(A shot from a Road Runner short is shown, showing Wile E. Coyote holding by the rope and standing on the cliff in the same fashion as Constantine)

NC (vo): ...stands for "exorcist", because they have very similar ways of doing things.

(Constantine lets go of the rope, and the mirror flies out of the window, breaking apart)

NC (vo): The mirror is destroyed and the girl is saved, but that doesn't mean he has to stop brooding.

(Constantine walks in his office, sits down and lights up a cigarette to quietly smoke)

NC (vo; as Constantine): Take that, you stupid lighter I like to close hard! Okay, audience, just look at my angst for seven seconds. (Beat) Okay, good. (normal again, as we now cut to...) Rachel Weisz plays a detective named Angela, who thinks she has a sixth sense in finding and killing criminals.

(Cut to Isabel (also played by Weisz), at a mental ward, where she climbs to the roof and jumps off to her death)

NC (vo): She has a twin sister named Isabel, in a super-secure mental ward that only failed to stop twelve people jumping to their deaths. (Beat) This week.

(Cut to Constantine at the same mental ward himself, where his x-rays reveal bad news for him)

NC (vo): Meanwhile, in the same establishment, Constantine sees he has lung cancer, to which his doctor calms him down with her comforting words...

Doctor: Wouldn't be the first time.

NC: Well, that's an amazing bedside manner.

Doctor: Wouldn't be the first time.

NC: (as the doctor) I mean, look on the bright side: shut up.

NC (vo): Angela goes to see her dead sister and refuses to believe it was suicide.

Angela: (walking up to an elevator as its door closes) Hold the door. I'm going down.

(Constantine doesn't do anything as he takes out a cigarette)

Constantine: I wonder if I can help it.

(Angela stares in shock as the door fully closes)

NC: (as Constantine) Yeah, well, 2019 me would make that sound cool.

NC (vo): Meanwhile, at Big Brooding Oh-the-Whoa Apartments...

(The apartment in question is quite fancy-looking)

NC: Jesus, how much money do exorcists make?!

(We are first shown Beeman (played by Max Baker), a friend of Constantine, who has a liking for exotic materials and insects, and serves as both a supplier of holy objects and relayer of information to Constantine)

NC (vo): ...Q comes along to give him some holy weapons. I know, technically, his name isn't Q, but yes, it is.

(Constantine takes a gun that Beeman gives to him and he fires it, creating a plume of fire from it)

Constantine: What is it exactly about you and bugs?

Beeman: I just like them. (points to a gun) That's dragon's breath.

NC (vo): Ah, yes, stories of Heaven and Hell, exorcisms and angels often have dragons in them. What Bible did you reference? (A shot of the cover of the following is shown...) The Hobbit?!

(Chas Kramer (Shia LaBeouf) is seen looking at himself in his taxicab mirror)

Kramer: Kramer. Chas Kramer, asshole.

NC (vo): Meanwhile, Shia LaBeouf plays a taxi driver named Chas Kramer, because of course Shia LaBeouf plays a taxi driver named Chas Kramer, who takes on the role of annoying sidekick, because of course he takes on the role of annoying sidekick.

(In the taxi, sitting in a pouring rain, Kramer is talking to Constantine)

Kramer: How much longer do I have to be your slave, John?

Constantine: You're not my slave, Chas. You're my very appreciated apprentice.

NC: It's funny, this exact same conversation took place between him and Michael Bay on the Transformers movies.

NC (vo): Constantine goes to talk to the angel Gabriel, played by Tilda Swinton, to see if he can get his time on Earth extended. Also, a "get out of Hell free" card would be nice.

Gabriel: Are you still trying to buy your way into Heaven?

Constantine: Why, haven't I served him enough? What does he want from me?

NC: (as Gabriel) I told you a million times, Bill and Ted 3!

Gabriel: Everything you have ever done, you've only ever done for yourself.

Constantine: You're the one who should go to Hell, half-breed.

NC: (as Constantine) Aslan-killing bitch!

Gabriel: And you're going to Hell because of the life you took. You're fucked.

NC: (as Gabriel) Go with God or whatever.

(Constantine is seen walking out of a 76 gas station, holding a small bottle of alcohol as it pours down rain)

NC (vo): Constantine goes to– Oh, what do you think he's doing, brooding? Yeah, he's brooding.

(Constantine looks up to see a billboard for the Chevy Equinox, part of whose slogan reads: "Your Time is Running Out" (The rest of the slogan reads: "To Buy a New Chevy."))

NC (vo): "Chevy: Our Billboards are Cryptic If You Only Read Half of Them."

Voice: (behind Constantine) Hey, buddy, got a light?

(Constantine looks up to see someone made up of insects that punches him so hard that it sends him flying backwards)

NC (vo): But a person made entirely of bugs... (An image of Oogie Boogie is shown briefly) ...you know, maybe that could be his origin story...starts attacking him on the street.

(As the bug monster pins him down, Constantine grabs a piece of a barricade broken in the fight and uses it to attack the monster)

NC (vo): I think it's supposed to be scary, but honestly, I'm waiting for (An image of Shaggy and Daphne from the live-action version of Scooby-Doo appears in the corner) Matthew Lillard and Sarah Michelle Gellar to rip the mask off him.

(Suddenly, a car races up and runs into the bug monster, destroying it and splattering bug guts all over the windshield)

NC (vo): Of course, cars! Every demon's Achilles heel!

NC: Hell, that should've been the Chevy billboard!

(The Chevy billboard is shown again, with a new slogan: "Every Demon's Achilles Heel")

NC (vo): It'd be a great challenge for car dealers!

(Constantine walks across the street, with Kramer running along behind him)

Kramer: I know where you're going. You're going to Midnite's.

NC (vo): He goes to a bar, described as...oh, what is it described as?

Kramer: It's a haven for those who rise and those who fall. I remember reading about this, John.

NC: Even if LaBeouf didn't say it, it sounds stupid.

(Constantine and Kramer enter the bar, bathed in red light, where the bouncer, standing behind the velvet rope, holds up a card to Constantine)

NC (vo): As gaining entrance is saying what's behind a card without looking at it.

(Constantine looks at the card, the back of which shows...)

Constantine: Two frogs on a bench.

(The bouncer removes the rope and lets Constantine by, then puts the rope back in Kramer's path and holds up a second card to him, this one showing a princess with a huge dress, but he says...)

Kramer: Two frogs on a bench.

(Briefly cut to a clip of Ghostbusters, in which Dr. Peter Venkman (Bill Murray) turns a Zener Card over to show that it has a square on it)

Peter: (inhales) Close.

(The bouncer, noticing that Kramer guessed wrong, physically blocks him from walking into the bar)

NC: Couldn't there be a buzzer to shock him? (As he speaks, an image appears, showing a green-skinned dentist from a pack of "Shock" hand buzzer with the image of a screaming Sam Witwicky from Transformers, while the words "Shock Labeouf" is displayed) I think most movie-going experiences would be better with that. (Beat) Even if he's not in the movie!

(Constantine walks up to Midnite, whose table is covered with potions, bottles and such)

NC (vo): He sees a guy named Midnite, played by Djimon Hounsou, as he tries to figure out what's going on in the demon world.

Constantine: Something's coming...spooky...

(Behind him, someone appears as well, flipping a coin between his fingers)

Constantine: Balthazar...

Balthazar (Gavin Rossdale): (his eyes glowing red) I've waited my entire life...

(Midnite pounds his fist on the table, knocking the bottles over, one of which partially covers the camera, rocking as it does)

Midnite: You're not the boss of my house! While here you will...

NC: (squints, trying to look through the potion to Midnite) Can you move that...thing?

NC (vo): Th-That rocking thing, please?

NC: Oh, I mean, uh...genius, maybe?

Balthazar: (to Constantine) You're on your way down. Fresh meat. (puts his hand in his mouth, then hisses in Constantine's ear) Finger-licking good.

NC: Okay, now I'm just thinking as embarrassing as some of these line deliveries are, how much more embarrassing they'd be if Shia LaBeouf delivered them.

(The scene of Balthazar licking his fingers and hissing in Constantine's ear is shown again, while an image of LaBeouf appears in the corner)

NC (vo; as LaBeouf): Mmm, finger-lickin' good! (normal again) I'm sorry.

NC: It's been years since I've made a Shia LaBeouf joke. (hugs himself) It's like visiting an old friend.

(After watching security footage of Isabel's suicide, Angela hears her say Constantine's name. She finds Constantine and asks him to help investigate)

NC (vo): So Angela thinks she may get some answers from Constantine in figuring out what happened to her sister.

Angela: I've heard your name around the precinct. I know the circles you travel in. The occult, demonology, exorcisms.

NC: (as Angela) I mean, what do you think we talk about at the precinct? Drug busts? Homicides? (scoffs)

Angela: I thought that with your background, you can at least point me in the right direction.

Constantine: Sure.

(He holds up his shot glass toward the door. A laugh track is heard. Cut to a mock commercial bumper card, with the words "KEANU REEVES POINTING AT DOOR")

NC (vo; announcer voice): Keanu Reeves Pointing at Door will be right back.

Angela: My sister was a devout Catholic. That means if she had taken her own–

Constantine: (interrupting) Her soul would go straight to Hell, where she'd be ripped apart over and over and screaming in brutal agony. That about right?

NC: You seem like a sweet guy. How are you single?

NC (vo): Constantine gets a vision, though, that convinces him to listen to her.

(The vision scares him out of the room. On the street, Constantine and Angela are walking together)

Constantine: What if I told you that God and the Devil made a wager? A kind of a standing bet for the souls of all mankind?

NC: (as Angela) I'd say Neil Gaiman needed a paycheck.

(Suddenly, all the streetlights go off, plunging the street into total darkness)

NC (vo): But the lights go off and Constantine senses something is coming.

(A group of winged demons attack, but Constantine lights a piece of paper on fire with a cigarette lighter and tosses it in the air, scaring the demons and burning them all up and disintegrating them)

NC: (terrified) Oh, God, it's worse than Hell!

(The scene is shown again, accompanied by a shot of a poster for Max Payne)

NC (vo): It's a Max Payne sequel!

NC: Make sure Mila Kunis' schedule is full!

Constantine: I don't believe she would commit suicide.

Angela: Never in a million years.

Constantine: It seems she's in Hell.

(Suddenly, a bus rushes past only inches behind his back)

NC (vo): BUS, BUS, BUS! (inhales) BUS!!

(Back in his apartment, Angela puts Constantine's feet in a basin water while he holds a cat in his lap. He then has her leave the apartment)

NC (vo): So Keanu Reeves puts his feet in a pot of water while holding a cat...

NC: (confused, as a shot of this scene appears in the corner) I feel like that's a caption contest.

NC (vo): ...as he asks Angela to leave the apartment.

Constantine: (stroking cat) God, I hate this part.

NC: He always says that before the director yells "Action".

(As he holds the cat, Constantine finds himself in Hell)

NC (vo): So it turns out holding a cat while setting your feet in a pot of water does send you to Hell!

NC: Yeah, I was close. I was holding a chihuahua...

(Cut to an image of NC putting one foot in a toilet in a bathroom stall while holding a chihuahua)

NC (vo): ...while standing in a toilet of pee-pee juice.

(Constantine spots Isabel, who turns to look at him)

NC (vo): ...as he discovers Angela's sister is there. They're performing the incredible torture of...just letting her stand there. BASTARDS!

(A group of demons runs in on all fours and Constantine starts to run, the demons chasing after him)

NC: Ah, that feeling when you have a better Hell than (An image of a demon from Spawn appears) Spawn, but not by much.

(Constantine grabs Isabel's paper bracelet and then comes back to the real world)

NC (vo): He grabs her paper bracelet and brings it back to show that she really is down there. Which...

NC: (confused) ...begs the question: did the paper bracelet go to Hell? Did the...

NC (vo): ...hospital gown not fit the Pope?

NC: (frustrated) How does this work?!

Angela: How is this possible?

Constantine: I need to eat.

NC: (as Constantine) Despite my performance, I am in fact human.

(Constantine and Angela are at a walk-up greasy spoon, where Constantine is having pancakes)

NC (vo): Nothing like quenching that "inner pits of damnation" journey with pancakes! (An image of the IHOP logo is shown, accompanied by what it stands for: "International Hell of Pancakes") What did you think "IHOP" stood for?

(We have a flashback to Constantine's youth: he is sitting on a bus where he spots an old lady sitting in front of him. She turns to look at him and her face literally disintegrates before his eyes)

Constantine: (narrating) I saw things. Things you shouldn't have to see.

(Later, Constantine is seen lying dead in a hospital bed, the result of suicide to escape his visions)

NC (vo): He talks about how he tried to kill himself due to his visions of demons and his parents not believing him.

(Dead, Constantine appears in Hell, where a fire is raging)

Constantine: (narrating) Officially, I was dead for two minutes.

(Cut back to the present-day Constantine)

Constantine: Take it from me, two minutes is a hell of a lifetime.

NC: (as Constantine) It's like hearing a dead joke: lasts only two minutes, but it feels like an eternity of torture.

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