July 3, 2019
(The Channel Awesome logo and show intro play)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. So... (gestures toward an image of Keanu Reeves in the corner) when did this guy turn into the most awesome actor alive?
(The Instagram and Twitter photos of Keanu Reeves in the 2010s are shown, followed by several clips from movies like John Wick, Always Be My Maybe, Toy Story 4 (focusing on Duke Caboom), the promo poster for then-upcoming video game Cyberpunk 2077, etc.)
NC (vo): Don't get me wrong, I hear Keanu Reeves is an awesome human being and everything, but I'm talking specifically about him as an entertainer. In the post-Bill & Ted days, it was like pulling teeth to get a performance that wasn't stilted and wooden. In fact, it's still rumored that The Matrix films were shot with a tree in shades. (A shot of Neo, Trinity and Morpheus is shown, and Neo is replaced by a tree wearing shades) In recent years, though, the guy has become a non-stop bulldozer of ass-kicking cool. From his amazing acting and fighting in the John Wick films, to his hilarious cameos he made in some films like Always Be My Maybe, to even making kids laugh in Toy Story sequels. Yeah, I said "sequels". (A fan-made poster for Toy Story 5 is shown as NC chuckles) That's cute, you think there won't be more. Somewhere, the guy went from box office boredom to box office fire. And you know what? Good for him. It's great when an actor not only hits a second wind, but it's ten times more entertaining than the first wind he started out with.
(Posters for other films starring Reeves are shown: Johnny Mnemonic, The Day the Earth Stood Still (2008), 47 Ronin, A Scanner Darkly and Man of Tai Chi)
NC (vo): Which makes it all the more fun to discuss his winds of passing with his epic little flop-busters he's done in the past.
NC: (smiles) Like Constantine!
(The title for the 2005 movie Constantine is shown, followed by its clips)
NC (vo): Released in 2005, the comic book-based epic did little to win over fans, critics, or your average moviegoer. Back in the day when people were saying less (sounding excited) "Oh, a Keanu Reeves movie!" and more (sounding disgusted) "Ohh, the Keanu Reeves movie...", this was one of the biggest box-office low points in Reeves' career. Some would say this wasn't a shock, as the movie had about as much personality as Reeves' acting did at the time, which is somewhere in the mathematical ballpark of how many nutrients (image of...) a KFC Cheeto sandwich has. While we can certainly smile now, knowing Reeves' career has made an explosive comeback, it is interesting to marvel at what a deep, yet dull pit he had to climb out of. Is that pit deep enough to reach the flames of H-E double hockey stick, or is it too boring to even pull that off? Well, let's take a look. This is a movie so bad, nobody else could possibly make a comeback from it...
NC: (as a photo of Rachel Weisz is shown) Except her. (Next is Tilda Swinton) Maybe her. (It's followed by the film's director, Francis Lawrence, making NC annoyed) Give me something! (Image of Shia LaBeouf) Thank you. This is Constantine!
(The Warner Bros. logo suddenly disperses as the sky behind turns a stormy brown)
NC (vo): Ooh, this is Warner Bros. after they released (poster of...) Crimes of Grindelwald.
(The following is shown on the black screen: "He who possesses the Spear of Destiny holds the fate of the world in his hands. The Spear of Destiny has been missing since the end of World War II.")
NC (vo): Aw, great.
NC: Now I'm just wishing this was a Wolfenstein movie. (puts up index finger, smiling) Whoa-fenstein. (The word "JOKES" pops up below as a snippet of "Hello, My Baby" (from the Looney Tunes short One Froggy Evening) is played briefly)
(The movie begins in the Mexican countryside, where a scavenger named Manuel finds a spearhead wrapped in a Nazi flag at the ruins of an old church)
NC (vo): We open on two guys outside of burnt-down church discovering an artifact wrapped in a Nazi flag. You know, you gotta be careful in the wide open desert. An incredibly quiet car at top speed might sneak up on you.
(Just as said, the convertible abruptly crashes into Manuel)
NC: Hence the traffic signs. (As he speaks, a sign with the sentence NC said above appears in the corner)
(Manuel survives the crash and flees to the US with the spearhead. We go to Los Angeles, where an occult detective John Constantine, played by Reeves, arrives and prepares to exorcise a Filipina girl possessed by a demon trying to break through to Earth)
NC (vo): He walks away without a scratch, though, as we cut to an apartment being approached by a man putting his cigarette out on the camera, as it looks like this man is Constantine, played by Reeves. Apparently, a young girl is possessed, and he's there to beat the Satan out of her.
(Constantine gets on the bed and moves closer to the girl, who's tied up on it)
Constantine: (whispers) This is Constantine.
NC: Faker. She just wanted Reeves to thrust himself on her bed.
NC (vo): Few people know the best way to conduct an exorcism is by punching.
(Before the demon could get out of the girl's body, Constantine punches it in the face, knocking it and the girl unconscious)
Constantine: I need a mirror.
NC: (as Constantine) I have to make sure my hair didn't de-fluff mid-punch.
Constantine: (to the family watching him) Move!
NC (vo; as a family member): Well, he punched our daughter. He must know what he's doing.
(In a mirror reflection, the demon walks out of the girl's body and is trapped inside, making him vulnerable for Constantine)
NC (vo): They place a mirror above her, as that somehow transports the demon inside.
Constantine: (flipping the demon the bird) For your boss.
NC: (as Constantine, flipping the camera the bird) The power of Christ makes you sit and spin, asshole!
(Constantine orders his assistant, John Kramer, to toss the rope for him. He ties it to the mirror and attempts to break it by holding the other end, his legs standing on the bed's edge)
NC: At this point, you have to wonder if the "E" in "Wile E. Coyote"...
(A shot from a Road Runner short is shown, showing Wile E. Coyote holding by the rope and standing on the cliff in the same fashion as Constantine)
NC (vo): ...stands for "exorcist", because they have very similar ways of doing things.
(Constantine lets go of the rope, and the mirror flies out of the window, breaking apart)
NC (vo): The mirror is destroyed and the girl is saved, but that doesn't mean he has to stop brooding.
(Constantine walks in his office, sits down and lights up a cigarette to quietly smoke)
NC (vo; as Constantine): Take that, you stupid lighter I like to close hard! Okay, audience, just look at my angst for seven seconds. (Beat) Okay, good. (normal again, as we now cut to...) Rachel Weisz plays a detective named Angela, who thinks she has a sixth sense in finding and killing criminals.
(Cut to Isabel (also played by Weisz), at a mental ward, where she climbs to the roof and jumps off to her death)
NC (vo): She has a twin sister named Isabel, in a super-secure mental ward that only failed to stop twelve people jumping to their deaths. (Beat) This week.
(Cut to Constantine at the same mental ward himself, where his x-rays reveal bad news for him)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, in the same establishment, Constantine sees he has lung cancer, to which his doctor calms him down with her comforting words...
Doctor: Wouldn't be the first time.
NC: Well, that's an amazing bedside manner.
Doctor: Wouldn't be the first time.
NC: (as the doctor) I mean, look on the bright side: shut up.
NC (vo): Angela goes to see her dead sister and refuses to believe it was suicide.
Angela: (walking up to an elevator as its door closes) Hold the door. I'm going down.
(Constantine doesn't do anything as he takes out a cigarette)
Constantine: I wonder if I can help it.
(Angela stares in shock as the door fully closes)
NC: (as Constantine) Yeah, well, 2019 me would make that sound cool.
NC (vo): Meanwhile, at Big Brooding Oh-the-Whoa Apartments...
(The apartment in question is quite fancy-looking)
NC: Jesus, how much money do exorcists make?!
(We are first shown Beeman (played by Max Baker), a friend of Constantine, who has a liking for exotic materials and insects, and serves as both a supplier of holy objects and relayer of information to Constantine)
NC (vo): ...Q comes along to give him some holy weapons. I know, technically, his name isn't Q, but yes, it is.
(Constantine takes a gun that Beeman gives to him and he fires it, creating a plume of fire from it)
Constantine: What is it exactly about you and bugs?
Beeman: I just like them. (points to a gun) That's dragon's breath.
NC (vo): Ah, yes, stories of Heaven and Hell, exorcisms and angels often have dragons in them. What Bible did you reference? (A shot of the cover of the following is shown...) The Hobbit?!
(Chas Kramer (Shia LaBeouf) is seen looking at himself in his taxicab mirror)
Kramer: Kramer. Chas Kramer, asshole.
NC (vo): Meanwhile, Shia LaBeouf plays a taxi driver named Chas Kramer, because of course Shia LaBeouf plays a taxi driver named Chas Kramer, who takes on the role of annoying sidekick, because of course he takes on the role of annoying sidekick.
(In the taxi, sitting in a pouring rain, Kramer is talking to Constantine)
Kramer: How much longer do I have to be your slave, John?
Constantine: You're not my slave, Chas. You're my very appreciated apprentice.
NC: It's funny, this exact same conversation took place between him and Michael Bay on the Transformers movies.
NC (vo): Constantine goes to talk to the angel Gabriel, played by Tilda Swinton, to see if he can get his time on Earth extended. Also, a "get out of Hell free" card would be nice.
Gabriel: Are you still trying to buy your way into Heaven?
Constantine: Why, haven't I served him enough? What does he want from me?
NC: (as Gabriel) I told you a million times, Bill and Ted 3!
Gabriel: Everything you have ever done, you've only ever done for yourself.
Constantine: You're the one who should go to Hell, half-breed.
NC: (as Constantine) Aslan-killing bitch!
Gabriel: And you're going to Hell because of the life you took. You're fucked.
NC: (as Gabriel) Go with God or whatever.
(Constantine is seen walking out of a 76 gas station, holding a small bottle of alcohol as it pours down rain)
NC (vo): Constantine goes to– Oh, what do you think he's doing, brooding? Yeah, he's brooding.
(Constantine looks up to see a billboard for the Chevy Equinox, part of whose slogan reads: "Your Time is Running Out" (The rest of the slogan reads: "To Buy a New Chevy."))
NC (vo): "Chevy: Our Billboards are Cryptic If You Only Read Half of Them."
Voice: (behind Constantine) Hey, buddy, got a light?
(Constantine looks up to see someone made up of insects that punches him so hard that it sends him flying backwards)
NC (vo): But a person made entirely of bugs... (An image of Oogie Boogie is shown briefly) ...you know, maybe that could be his origin story...starts attacking him on the street.
(As the bug monster pins him down, Constantine grabs a piece of a barricade broken in the fight and uses it to attack the monster)
NC (vo): I think it's supposed to be scary, but honestly, I'm waiting for (An image of Shaggy and Daphne from the live-action version of Scooby-Doo appears in the corner) Matthew Lillard and Sarah Michelle Gellar to rip the mask off him.
(Suddenly, a car races up and runs into the bug monster, destroying it and splattering bug guts all over the windshield)
NC (vo): Of course, cars! Every demon's Achilles heel!
NC: Hell, that should've been the Chevy billboard!
(The Chevy billboard is shown again, with a new slogan: "Every Demon's Achilles Heel")
NC (vo): It'd be a great challenge for car dealers!
(Constantine walks across the street, with Kramer running along behind him)
Kramer: I know where you're going. You're going to Midnite's.
NC (vo): He goes to a bar, described as...oh, what is it described as?
Kramer: It's a haven for those who rise and those who fall. I remember reading about this, John.
NC: Even if LaBeouf didn't say it, it sounds stupid.
(Constantine and Kramer enter the bar, bathed in red light, where the bouncer, standing behind the velvet rope, holds up a card to Constantine)
NC (vo): As gaining entrance is saying what's behind a card without looking at it.
(Constantine looks at the card, the back of which shows...)
Constantine: Two frogs on a bench.
(The bouncer removes the rope and lets Constantine by, then puts the rope back in Kramer's path and holds up a second card to him, this one showing a princess with a huge dress, but he says...)
Kramer: Two frogs on a bench.
(Briefly cut to a clip of Ghostbusters, in which Dr. Peter Venkman (Bill Murray) turns a Zener Card over to show that it has a square on it)
Peter: (inhales) Close.
(The bouncer, noticing that Kramer guessed wrong, physically blocks him from walking into the bar)
NC: Couldn't there be a buzzer to shock him? (As he speaks, an image appears, showing a green-skinned dentist from a pack of "Shock" hand buzzer with the image of a screaming Sam Witwicky from Transformers, while the words "Shock Labeouf" is displayed) I think most movie-going experiences would be better with that. (Beat) Even if he's not in the movie!
(Constantine walks up to Midnite, whose table is covered with potions, bottles and such)
NC (vo): He sees a guy named Midnite, played by Djimon Hounsou, as he tries to figure out what's going on in the demon world.
Constantine: Something's coming...spooky...
(Behind him, someone appears as well, flipping a coin between his fingers)
Balthazar (Gavin Rossdale): (his eyes glowing red) I've waited my entire life...
(Midnite pounds his fist on the table, knocking the bottles over, one of which partially covers the camera, rocking as it does)
Midnite: You're not the boss of my house! While here you will...
NC: (squints, trying to look through the potion to Midnite) Can you move that...thing?
NC (vo): Th-That rocking thing, please?
NC: Oh, I mean, uh...genius, maybe?
Balthazar: (to Constantine) You're on your way down. Fresh meat. (puts his hand in his mouth, then hisses in Constantine's ear) Finger-licking good.
NC: Okay, now I'm just thinking as embarrassing as some of these line deliveries are, how much more embarrassing they'd be if Shia LaBeouf delivered them.
(The scene of Balthazar licking his fingers and hissing in Constantine's ear is shown again, while an image of LaBeouf appears in the corner)
NC (vo; as LaBeouf): Mmm, finger-lickin' good! (normal again) I'm sorry.
NC: It's been years since I've made a Shia LaBeouf joke. (hugs himself) It's like visiting an old friend.
(After watching security footage of Isabel's suicide, Angela hears her say Constantine's name. She finds Constantine and asks him to help investigate)
NC (vo): So Angela thinks she may get some answers from Constantine in figuring out what happened to her sister.
Angela: I've heard your name around the precinct. I know the circles you travel in. The occult, demonology, exorcisms.
NC: (as Angela) I mean, what do you think we talk about at the precinct? Drug busts? Homicides? (scoffs)
Angela: I thought that with your background, you can at least point me in the right direction.
(He holds up his shot glass toward the door. A laugh track is heard. Cut to a mock commercial bumper card, with the words "KEANU REEVES POINTING AT DOOR")
NC (vo; announcer voice): Keanu Reeves Pointing at Door will be right back.
Angela: My sister was a devout Catholic. That means if she had taken her own–
Constantine: (interrupting) Her soul would go straight to Hell, where she'd be ripped apart over and over and screaming in brutal agony. That about right?
NC: You seem like a sweet guy. How are you single?
NC (vo): Constantine gets a vision, though, that convinces him to listen to her.
(The vision scares him out of the room. On the street, Constantine and Angela are walking together)
Constantine: What if I told you that God and the Devil made a wager? A kind of a standing bet for the souls of all mankind?
NC: (as Angela) I'd say Neil Gaiman needed a paycheck.
(Suddenly, all the streetlights go off, plunging the street into total darkness)
NC (vo): But the lights go off and Constantine senses something is coming.
(A group of winged demons attack, but Constantine lights a piece of paper on fire with a cigarette lighter and tosses it in the air, scaring the demons and burning them all up and disintegrating them)
NC: (terrified) Oh, God, it's worse than Hell!
(The scene is shown again, accompanied by a shot of a poster for Max Payne)
NC (vo): It's a Max Payne sequel!
NC: Make sure Mila Kunis' schedule is full!
Constantine: I don't believe she would commit suicide.
Angela: Never in a million years.
Constantine: It seems she's in Hell.
(Suddenly, a bus rushes past only inches behind his back)
NC (vo): BUS, BUS, BUS! (inhales) BUS!!
(Back in his apartment, Angela puts Constantine's feet in a basin water while he holds a cat in his lap. He then has her leave the apartment)
NC (vo): So Keanu Reeves puts his feet in a pot of water while holding a cat...
NC: (confused, as a shot of this scene appears in the corner) I feel like that's a caption contest.
NC (vo): ...as he asks Angela to leave the apartment.
Constantine: (stroking cat) God, I hate this part.
NC: He always says that before the director yells "Action".
(As he holds the cat, Constantine finds himself in Hell)
NC (vo): So it turns out holding a cat while setting your feet in a pot of water does send you to Hell!
NC: Yeah, I was close. I was holding a chihuahua...
(Cut to an image of NC putting one foot in a toilet in a bathroom stall while holding a chihuahua)
NC (vo): ...while standing in a toilet of pee-pee juice.
(Constantine spots Isabel, who turns to look at him)
NC (vo): ...as he discovers Angela's sister is there. They're performing the incredible torture of...just letting her stand there. BASTARDS!
(A group of demons runs in on all fours and Constantine starts to run, the demons chasing after him)
NC: Ah, that feeling when you have a better Hell than (An image of a demon from Spawn appears) Spawn, but not by much.
(Constantine grabs Isabel's paper bracelet and then comes back to the real world)
NC (vo): He grabs her paper bracelet and brings it back to show that she really is down there. Which...
NC: (confused) ...begs the question: did the paper bracelet go to Hell? Did the...
NC (vo): ...hospital gown not fit the Pope?
NC: (frustrated) How does this work?!
Angela: How is this possible?
Constantine: I need to eat.
NC: (as Constantine) Despite my performance, I am in fact human.
(Constantine and Angela are at a walk-up greasy spoon, where Constantine is having pancakes)
NC (vo): Nothing like quenching that "inner pits of damnation" journey with pancakes! (An image of the IHOP logo is shown, accompanied by what it stands for: "International Hell of Pancakes") What did you think "IHOP" stood for?
(We have a flashback to Constantine's youth: he is sitting on a bus where he spots an old lady sitting in front of him. She turns to look at him and her face literally disintegrates before his eyes)
Constantine: (narrating) I saw things. Things you shouldn't have to see.
(Later, Constantine is seen lying dead in a hospital bed, the result of suicide to escape his visions)
NC (vo): He talks about how he tried to kill himself due to his visions of demons and his parents not believing him.
(Dead, Constantine appears in Hell, where a fire is raging)
Constantine: (narrating) Officially, I was dead for two minutes.
(Cut back to the present-day Constantine)
Constantine: Take it from me, two minutes is a hell of a lifetime.
NC: (as Constantine) It's like hearing a dad joke: lasts only two minutes, but it feels like an eternity of torture.
NC (vo): They go to where Isabel died to see if there's any clue she left behind.
(As they search for Isabel's room, Constantine gets angry)
NC (vo): Here's a fun scene: 2005 Keanu Reeves trying to act angry.
(Constantine grabs Angela and manhandles her as he demands answers)
Constantine: (sharply, yet oddly subdued for being angry) She thought it up right here. Right where you're standing. She knew you'd come. She counted on you to see what she saw.
NC: (as Constantine) Sorry, I didn't mean to raise my voice like that.
NC (vo; as Angela): As a detective, I'm totally cool with you manhandling me like a pimp looking for a stolen twenty.
Constantine: (legitimately angrily now as he grabs Angela) What did she do, Angela?
Angela: I don't know...
Constantine: You know what she did! (pins her against the wall as she stammers) What are you afraid of?! (She doesn't answer; she's too scared) What did she do, Angela?! WHAT DID SHE DO?!
Angela: (crying out) I DON'T KNOW!!
(She pulls away and runs over to the window)
NC (vo; as Constantine): Well, you don't need to yell! Geez!
(She breathes on the window, revealing a verse in the Satanic Bible)
NC (vo): They find a Bible verse written on the window, because in both night and day, nobody noticed that! But they figure out the verse doesn't exist.
(As Angela and Constantine drive down the road, they discuss the Bible verse in question)
Constantine: Corinthians goes to 21 acts in the Bible in hell.
Angela: They have Bibles in Hell.
NC: (as Constantine) Don't say it like that! This movie's supposed to be serious! (as Angela) It's literally the line written! (as Constantine, awkwardly) Oh! Well, uh, yeah... (looks up, nodding)
NC (vo): They just so happen to have the bad book, and the passage doesn't look good.
(Beeman examines a copy of the Bible, written in Latin, while talking on the phone to Constantine about it)
Beeman: (reading) "The sins of the Father would only be exceeded of the Son."
(Constantine looks at his own copy, which shows an illustration)
Constantine: The sign of Mammon, the son of the Devil.
NC: (as Constantine) That's impossible! (The poster for End of Days appears in the corner) Detective Schwarzenegger solved this in 1999, the year of the Devil! (Beat) Upside-down. (After another beat, he holds up index finger) Plus one. (One more awkward beat) Maybe this wasn't so–
NC (vo): Am I the only one, by the way, who thinks, when he says the name "Mammon", he's actually saying, "My mom"?
Beeman: (reading) "Mammon will be the last demon with everyone crossing over to our plain. Mammon would need divine assistance. Mammon would need the help of God."
NC: This is sounding less like demonic rituals and more like a guy who doesn't know how "yo' mama" jokes work.
Beeman: "Mammon would need divine assistance from God."
NC: (as Beeman) Mammon's so fat, she needs divine assistance from God to cross over to Weight Watchers! (A game show ding is heard)
(Cut to a clip of an episode of In Living Color, showing the host of the game show Wheel of Dozens)
Host (Nick Bakay): Mama's a big ol' greasy ho'.
(Cut back to the movie, as Beeman is attacked and consumed by flies from the inside out as Constantine and Angela arrive, Constantine trying to shoo the flies away with his coat)
NC (vo): Q is attacked, though, as flies shoot out of his body, causing him to suffocate. Oh, I get it, because before, he said he liked bugs, and now bugs killed him.
NC: Well, this is what happens when you use an irony coupon at (A logo for the following appears in the corner...) O'Henry.
(With that, we go to a commercial break. Upon return, the movie resumes out in the desert, where Manuel, still holding the spearhead, walks up to a parked car next to a liquor/market that is next to a tire salon)
NC (vo): So, while the indestructible guy from the intro continues his journey...
(Behind Manuel, there is a billboard reading "Got Faith?", in the style of a "Got Milk?" ad, showing a spigot pouring wine into a glass; a green arrow points to it)
NC (vo): Oh, my God, that's so clever!
(We then cut back to Constantine and Angela)
NC (vo): ...Angela admits she used to see things when she was younger, too.
Constantine: Your sister embraced her gift; you denied yours. (Angela shakes her head) Denial is a better idea.
(An alternate angle of the room shows Angela silhouetted behind a screen door)
Angela: I abandoned her, John.
NC (vo; as Constantine): Oh, my God, you're in Jello! (Cut back to the earlier angle) Oh, no, it's just awkward directing.
Constantine: If you do this, there's no turning back. (Angela sheds a tear)
NC (vo): So it's a little confusing, but I guess by having her brush with death, her visions will become a lot more clear. So they decide to drown her. I've heard of crazier ways actors wanted out of a movie.
Angela: (taking off some of her clothes and giving them to Constantine) So do I have to take the rest of my clothes off, or can I leave them on? (Constantine doesn't answer; he looks down) John?
Constantine: I'm thinking.
NC: (as Constantine, laughs) That's just a little "I might accidentally kill you and these might be your last moments" humor. On the plus side, my boner feels great. (nods, grinning)
Angela: Why water?
Constantine: It's a universal conduit. Now ask me if there's water in Hell.
Angela: Is there water in Hell?
NC: (laughs, as Angela) You know, this is fun trying to save my sister from everlasting damnation. We should really make it our Tuesday thing.
Constantine: You have to be fully submerged.
Angela: For how long?
Constantine: As long as it takes.
NC (vo; as Constantine): And refrain from asking about my rubber ducky. (A green points out an obvious rubber ducky on the edge of the tub) I may fight demons and hell-spawns, but I will never take a bath without Mr. Quackums.
(Suddenly, as Angela lies under the water, she starts flailing around and kicks at the tub spigot as she tries to get back up again)
NC (vo): Fun fact: if you almost drown in a bathroom, your bathtub explodes.
(As Angela resurfaces, the bathtub explodes, sending water exploding upward and flowing everywhere)
(Angela and Constantine leave to find more clues. Part of their path takes them to Beeman's place again)
NC (vo): She gains clue-finding powers, I guess, and Constantine puts together that it was a half-breed named Balthazar who did it. Angela insists that her crime-fighting insights would be useful, but Constantine refuses her help, in this fiery scene that shows both their determination and their passion.
(In their car, it is shown that Angela has on a pendant (presumably a Holy Cross pendant))
Angela: I'm going with you.
Constantine: You stay in the car. (leaves)
NC: (mock sadness) Stop it! Can't you two see you're in love?!
NC (vo): Constantine breaks into Balthazar's place and starts making things holy.
(Constantine puts on some brass knuckles (that have holy crosses etched into them) and proceeds to punch Balthazar (Gavin Rossdale) with them, in the process revealing his demonic appearance under his human skin. Constantine's final punch sends Balthazar sprawling across his table)
NC: (shrugs) Okay, you get a badass cookie. (An image of a cookie with the words "Bad Ass" written on it appears in the corner)
NC (vo): He tries interrogating him by performing last rites, meaning he'll go straight to Heaven, which is a terrible punishment for him. Again, that's a pretty funny idea.
(Constantine and Angela then start to leave Balthazar's office, emerging from an elevator to walk down a hallway)
NC (vo): Well, at least things can't get any sillier than that.
(Suddenly, one of the office doors bursts open by some otherworldly entity and Angela is sucked in through the room inside. She smashes through multiple walls in several rooms)
NC: (shrugs again) Aside from recreating the opening to Howard the Duck.
(Angela getting sucked through and smashed through walls is shown again, accompanied by, in the upper-left corner, footage of a similar scene happening to Howard)
NC (vo): I'm just praying, in one of those rooms, Al Pacino from Devil's Advocate is there...
(A shot of John Milton (Pacino) taking a bath is shown, accompanied by a shot of the female duck in Howard the Duck also taking a bath (and showing off her duck tits doing it))
NC (vo): ...taking a bath so we can see some devil titties! (Cartoonish devil faces are put on Milton's breasts)
(Constantine returns to Papa Midnite's place, wielding a holy machine gun)
NC (vo): Constantine goes back to Midnite and says he needs a certain chair.
(Midnite smashes the glass of a lit light bulb, leaving the light on, then turns toward Constantine with it, as the latter sits on the chair in question)
Midnite: Sure about this?
(In response, Midnite jams the broken bulb into Constantine)
NC (vo; as Midnite): I don't care, I have Blood Diamond lines to memorize!
(Having been hit by the burning bulb, Constantine suddenly teleports and sees visions of Manuel's journey as he holds the spearhead, the Spear stained with the blood of Christ; the assistance of God)
NC (vo): He sees the journey of the Spear and where it ended up, as he snaps back into horrid reality.
(Suddenly, Midnite grabs Constantine, snapping him back into reality, as Chas Kramer returns)
NC (vo): Horrid, horrid reality.
Kramer: I just don't think that it's a great idea, you know, you going on a solo mission to save the world. That's...That's what I– That's my vote.
NC: (as Kramer) Might I also add: NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! Trust me, in a few years, this is all I'll be.
(Midnite holds his hands over Kramer's head and prays in a foreign language)
Kramer: What are you doing?
NC (vo; as Midnite): Your credibility will need it.
(Angela falls into the hospital pool, the same one Isabel had fallen into in falling to her death)
NC (vo): Angela wakes up where her sister died and is greeted by an unfriendly visitor.
(Said unfriendly visitor is Mammon, who advances toward Angela menacingly. She tries to fire her gun at him, but the bullets, while leaving wounds, don't seem to hurt him at all as he continues toward her)
NC (vo; as Angela): Die! Please die. Kinda die? Give me a letter of recommendation saying that I made you die?
(Not only do the bullets just go right through Mammon, but they also hit the wall behind him)
NC: (still as Angela) At least imply somehow that I put (shapes his finger like a gun) thirty bullets into this thing (pretends to aim a gun with his fingers) OR DIE!
(When Mammon gets close enough to Angela, he swings his hand at her and slaps the gun out of her hands, sending it flying across the room)
NC (vo; still as Angela): Oh, I suck in this.
(Meanwhile, Constantine, confronted by a crowd of seemingly ordinary people, jams a holy cross into the sprinkler system, trigger all the sprinklers and sending the water, which has become holy water, flowing down on everyone. The holy water melts everyone's skin off, revealing that they are demons in disguise)
NC (vo): Constantine turns the sprinklers into holy water by putting a cross in it...
NC: (confused) Don't think that's how it works. I mean, if a Mickey Mouse doll was dropped into a bucket of water, does that mean the water belongs to Disney? (Beat) Who am I kidding? Yes, it does.
(Constantine battles the army of demons, firing at them with his holy machine gun)
NC (vo): ...as we partake in an action sequence so cool, you'll swear Blade already did it.
(In the corner, a clip of a similar scene from that movie is shown)
NC (vo): Blade already did it.
(As one demon advances toward Constantine, it gets shot and killed by Chas Kramer, while Constantine goes into the pool to save Angela from her struggle in the pool with Mammon)
NC (vo; as Constantine, gargling water under the pool): Okay, did I hear Shia LaBeouf doing better than me out there? That is not cool, writers!
(Angela rises out of the water, possessed by Mammon)
NC (vo): Angela is possessed by Mammon...you know, it's how well we get to know the villain that makes the villain work...as Constantine tries fighting her...him...them off. I don't know demonic pronouns.
Constantine: Not bad, kid.
Kramer: Chas Kramer.
(Suddenly, the invisible entity lifts Kramer into the air and slams him against the ceiling, then drops him to the ground, where he lays unconscious, presumed to be dead)
NC: (excited) Oh, no! I need a lot a more Shia LaBeouf bashing than that!
(The scene of Kramer getting slammed into the ceiling is played again, twice)
NC: Just play it on a continual loop.
(This clip is shown repeatedly several more times)
NC: (watching excitedly) Faster.
(The scene plays faster)
NC: I could watch this for hours. I will watch this for hours.
NC (vo): So Shia gets axed off...
NC: One more for the road.
(This scene is shown one more time)
NC (vo): ...as Constantine discovers it was Gabriel who helped Mammon gain his powers.
Gabriel: (holding Constantine by his throat) Each one of you granted redemption from the Creator. All of you; you just have to repent, and God takes you into His bosom.
NC: (waving dismissively) Don't give me this Pure Flix shit. I have Shia LaBeouf smashing I could be watching.
(Once again, the scene of Kramer getting slammed into the ceiling and dropped to the floor is played)
NC: (smiling) Squee.
(Gabriel blows on Constantine with such force that it sends him flying backwards into a glass door. He crashes into the glass, shattering it, then falls to the floor as the broken glass comes down on him)
NC (vo): She literally blows him away, as he tries praying to the Big Man himself.
Constantine: (weakly) I'm not even welcome in your house. But I could use a little attention.
NC (vo; as Constantine): Are you there, God? It's me, John. (as God) Which one?
(We cut to a collage of posters for movies that Keanu Reeves had starred in, every one of which his character is named, in some way, John: Bram Stoker's Dracula (Jonathan Harker), John Wick (John Wick), Much Ado About Nothing (Don John), Generation Um... (John Wall), Cyberpunk 2077 (Johnny Silverhand), Point Break (Johnny Utah), and Johnny Mnemonic (Johnny Mnemonic), as well as Constantine)
NC (vo; as God): You play a John in every other movie.
(Cut back to Constantine)
NC (vo; as Constantine): Oh, uh, the Constantine one. (as God) Good night. (A phone is heard being hung up, followed by a dial tone)
(Slowly, Constantine sits up, realizing he has only one option left)
NC (vo): He decides to kill himself, cementing that he'll go to Hell, but he gets a visit from the Devil himself first. He's played by Peter Stormare, because I think we'd be concerned if a person like him didn't play the Devil at some point.
Lucifer Morningstar: You are the one soul...that I would come up here to collect myself, mm-hmm. (golf-claps in applause, as Constantine stares)
NC: (shaking head nervously) Don't make us regret this choice, movie. He danced in...
(A shot of Stormare as Uli Kunkel from The Big Lebowski is shown)
NC (vo): ...red spandex with penis-cutting scissors.
NC: And somehow, that's seeming more dignified!
NC (vo): So again, a little confusing, but if I'm reading it right, it looks like the Devil wasn't aware Mammon was being set loose.
NC: Keep better track of your kids, Satan?
NC (vo): And when he sees what's going on, he banishes Mammon and sets Gabriel's wings ablaze. As a show of thanks, Constantine asks that Isabella go to Heaven. Satan agrees, thinking he can drag him to Hell and– Wait, that was a selfless thing, wasn't it?
Lucifer: (standing at the gates of Heaven) This world...belongs to me...
(Constantine slowly rises, one of his middle fingers sticking out)
NC (vo): Yeah, I'm sure most people flipped the bird when entering the Kingdom of God!
NC: (disgusted) Who does quality control in this shitty afterlife?!
(Suddenly, realizing Constantine's selfless act, Lucifer bites Constantine in the neck, squeezes his stomach and pinches his nipples, healing his injuries and curing his lung cancer)
NC (vo): Speaking of which, the Devil drags him back by...deviling, I don't know...as he and Angela wake up to find that Gabriel is human, but wants to be set back.
(Gabriel rises out of the pool where she fell in after losing her wings. She holds Constantine's holy machine gun in her hands)
Gabriel: Do you want revenge? (hands machine gun to Constantine) Do it. End my life.
NC: That's a solid impression of everybody watching this movie right now.
(Instead of ending her life, however, Constantine punches Gabriel in the jaw so hard that he knocks her to the floor. He then notices her holding her jaw in pain)
Constantine: That's called pain. Get used to it.
NC (vo; as Constantine): I know I will when I read the reviews for Day the Earth Stood Still.
(Constantine and Angela then leave the hospital, leaving Gabriel behind. Then we cut to them on the rooftop of the hospital at night. They start to embrace, but Angela then pulls back and walks away, while Constantine chews on some gum (as a way of coping with not smoking))
NC (vo): Constantine and Angela think about being a couple until they realize they have no chemistry between them whatsoever, he goes from being a chain smoker to a gum chewer; that's moral progress...
(Cut to a post-movie credits stinger, showing Constantine in a graveyard, where Chas Kramer is buried)
NC (vo): ...and even Shia gets one more scene after the end credits.
(Constantine puts a gold watch on Chas' tombstone, then turns to leave. Suddenly, Kramer himself appears behind him, in angelic form; he is revealed as a half-breed)
Constantine: You did good, kid.
(Kramer flies up into the night sky)
NC: I pity the poor schmuck who has him as a guardian angel.
(The scene of Kramer flying off is shown again)
NC (vo; as Kramer): I'm off to blackmail someone so I can be Mutt Williams!
NC: Well, that's a sequel I'm glad I'll never see.
(The film's clips are shown one last time as NC provides his closing thoughts)
NC (vo): Constantine is a pretty silly movie, which honestly would be fine if it wasn't so boring. The film weirdly takes its goofy setup way too seriously and forgets that you can be both dark and fun at the same time.
(Shots of the following posters are shown)
NC (vo): Batman, Blade and Dredd are all dark, but fun.
(Cut back to footage of Constantine)
NC (vo): This is just long, dull and lifeless. I'm glad everyone in this movie went on to better things... (Kramer is shown) ...ish, and their talents were discovered in better productions, because, man, there ain't no way in Hell anyone's potential is shining here.
NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remem– One more time.
(The scene of Kramer getting slammed into the ceiling by the entity and then dropped hard to the ground is shown one more time. NC squeals with joy)
NC: I remember it so you don't have to. (gets up from his chair and leaves)
Channel Awesome tagline - Balthazar: Finger-licking good.
(The credits roll)