Conquest of the Commercials
November 17, 2015
(We have the usual intro, but it is instantly interrupted by NC, wearing the familiar "I Donut Donuts" shirt)
NC: Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know the opening.
(quick cut to NC sitting down on his couch)
NC: (speaking fast) Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. You know the rest. If you're like me, you're excited that we get to review commercials again!
(Footage of various commercials)
NC (vo): Oh, the nostalgia. Oh, the memories. Oh, the mass-marketing manipulation! You can't wait for them, neither can I!
NC: Seeing how I've called the other episodes (titles of them appear on screen) "After These Messages", "We'll Be Right Back", "Exclamation Point (!)", "The Fourth One", and "The Quickening", this one I'm entitling... "Ehenzeeahneh". (the exact "word" that NC just said appears on screen) Let's just get to it! COMMERCIALS!!!
(And then we are treated, like in the previous specials, to a compilation of ABC's clay animated "After These Messages" bumpers.)
Three Clay Singers: After these messages...
Clay Fire Hydrant: (sings) After these messages...
Clay Cowboy: (sings) After these messages...
Clay Dog: (sings) After these messages...
(The title "Ehenzeeahneh" is shown again)
Three Clay Singers: (audio) ...we'll be right back!
Showbiz Pizza Place: Dragon's Lair
(TV static transitions to: Showbiz Pizza Place: Dragon's Lair commercial)
(The commercial involved shows a young man playing Dragon's Lair in a dark foggy room)
NC (vo): Hey, kids! Remember when Chuck E. Cheese made Showbiz Pizza disappear...under...
(Billy Bob's drowned corpse is seen underwater)
NC (vo): ...mysterious circumstances.
(Back to the commercial)
NC (vo): Well, this is how they used to advertise on TV.
Announcer: The most advanced video game you can play is awaiting your discovery at Showbiz Pizza Place.
NC (vo): Actually, maybe the reason they ran out of business is because they put fog machines on top of their games for some reason.
NC (being sprayed by fog): *cough* Come on! I can't see the Princess' cleavage! *cough cough*
NC (vo): It also doesn't help that each game was given one giant dark room to itself. About as cost effective as (picture of) Willy Wonka shrinking his giant chocolate bars.
NC: But who gives a shit? He's playing Dragon's Lair.
NC (vo): The most gorgeous robbery of your money ever. We lost so many quarters to this thing cause we had to keep reminding ourselves we weren't watching a movie.
NC: Oh, I hope Dirk's reunited with his Russian mouse family--
(Get'cha head in the game)
NC: --I mean DAMMIT! I'm playing a game.
NC (vo): Why didn't this ever become a movie? Wouldn't that've made sense? Wouldn't you want it explained where the yellow flashing light came from? Or the dragon's ability to learn bubble trapping techniques? (picture of) Fucking Bubbles! Or how...
Princess Daphne: The dragon keeps it around his neck.
NC (vo): ...Daphne made her testicles drops so fast? Why didn't they ever make this a movie? With Don Bluth and his people?
(The yellow light flashes on NC's left side)
(TV static transitions to: Tiger Talkboy commercial)
(The commercial involved shows a boy holding the Tiger Talkboy observing his sister playing with the dog)
Announcer: You can have lots of high tech fun with Tiger's Talkboy tape recorder.
NC (vo): Ah, the only good thing (picture of) to come out of Home Alone 2. Aside from an even (picture of) gayer Tim Curry.
Concierge: Have a lovely day.
NC (vo): The whole movie practically served as an advertisement for this thing.
(The boy records his sister)
Sister: Hey, stop drooling on me!
(Later that night, he plays the recording back while the boyfriend's leaning in for a kiss. The boyfriend scooches away while the sister looks behind the couch)
NC (vo): Yeah, that's what a voice app used to look like, kids. In fact, that's practically what cell phones used to look like, too. The commercial shows a boy playing pranks on his sister. That's cute and all, but you gotta question a little bit of the plausibility. Like the voice speed control.
Boy: (speaking into microphone) Hi kids, we're home early.
(It then cuts to the boy closing the front door and then playing the recording in slow speed, making the sister and boyfriend go to separate sides of the couch thinking the parents came home)
NC: What creepy-ass parents sound like that?
NC (vo): Is there a kid and some friends out there who's totally like...?
(We cut to Malcolm Ray and Tamara Chambers dressed as kids playing with cars. Doug then appears with a creepy grin)
Doug: (Speaking in the same creepy tone as the commercial) Hi, kids, I'm about to go slaughter puppies. You stay here and go to bed by 11 or...(With that same creepy smile, he leans in close to the camera and to the two, creeping everyone out) I'll eat your hearts!
(Doug leaves the room. Tamara and Malcolm look at each other, then we're greeted with creepy face Doug again, scaring them before leaving once more)
Tamara: I think I need to be potty trained again.
NC (vo): Dated technology today, but kinda cool back then. With a funny, if not disturbing ad to go along with it.
Announcer: Tiger's Talkboy tape recorder comes with audio cassette.
NC (vo): (as Announcer) As recommended by Peter McAllister. (deep voice) The father.
McDonalds "For Food, Folks and Fun"
Jared Fogle: Hi, I'm Jared, the Subway guy.
NC: Not that.
(changes the channel)
Bill Cosby's Pudding Pops
Bill Cosby: Cosby here...
NC: NOT THAT!"
(changes the channel)
(TV static transition to Segata Sanshiro campaign.)
NC (vo): Okay, we've gotta get the bad taste of that commercial out of our heads. So lets travel all the way to Japan for one of the greatest ads of all time! It's for the Sega Saturn. And to emphasize how intense it was, they created Segata Sanshiro! The most aggressive spokesperson EVER! It didn't matter what you were doing: If you're off to play baseball, he beat the shit out of you, and say "Play Saturn!" instead!
Baseball kid: せがた三四郎。。。 (Segata Sanshiro...)
Segata Sanshiro: セガサターン！(Sega Saturn!)
NC (vo): Going out dancing tonight? Fuck that noise, you're playing Saturn now!
Party Guest: せがた三四郎。。。 (Segata Sanshiro...)
Segata Sanshiro: セガサターン！(Sega Saturn!)
NC (vo) Hey look, it's Santa! Oh, shit, it's Segata! Better start playing Sega, goddammit!
Kid: (crying) せがた三四郎！(Segata Sanshiro!)
Segata Sanshiro: うわあ！(ARGH!)
(Kids start crying)
NC (vo): When he wasn't pounding the console into you, both figuratively and literally, he was winning soccer games, beating skaters without skates, killing zombies, falling in love, and training to his kickass theme song!
Singers: せがた三四郎！せがた三四郎！セガサタン、シロ ！(Segata Sanshiro! Segata Sanshiro! You must play Sega Saturn!)
NC (vo): This guy is AMAZING! He's like Chuck Norris realized! You know, like if you have Chuck Norris and took out the homophobes stuff you'd have Segata! He's like a myth they talk about in stories, if that myth had a physical form that can punch you! He's one of the phenomenal things to hit television!
NC: Sadly, though, every myth has to die.
(Cut to the final Segata Sanshiro commercial about the unveiling of the Dreamcast)
NC (vo): Eeyup! They actually killed off Segata in the only way Segata can die: Stopping a nuclear warhead from destroying Sega by jumping off a building, propelling back with his own feet and launching it into space! It was... pretty emotional.
Sega Girl: (crying) せがた三四郎！！ (Segata Sanshiro!!)
(The missile heads into space with Sanshiro with captions translating (which I am doing.))
Segata Sanshiro: セガサタン、シロ ！(すすり泣き) セガサタン、シロおお！！ (You must play Sega Saturn! (sobs) You must play Sega Saturn!!)
(The missile explodes, killing Segata. RIP Segata Sanshiro: 1997-1998)
Announcer (vo): せがた三四郎は、君たちの心に。 (Segata Sanshiro will live forever in our hearts.)
NC: We will never forget you, Segata! We'll ironically forget the Sega Saturn, it's not around anymore, BUT YOU WILL ALWAYS LIVE ON!
NC (vo): He's one of the awesome series of commercials ever, and I proudly support a beating of me, if it means seeing more of his incredibleness!
Singers: セガサタン、シロ ！(You must play Sega Saturn!)
(NC salutes to the late Sanshiro.)
A Troll in Central Park Trailer
(The trailer for A Troll in Central Park starts playing, showing, you guessed it, more cutesy footage of the movie)
Announcer: One of the year's most enchanting stories is about to bloom.
NC (vo): Oh, God. You ever look at an ad for a movie and say, "Shit. I'm gonna have to look at this for a few months"?
Announcer: Now, Don Bluth, the director of An American Tail...
NC (vo): The director who gave us some of the greatest animated movies of all time says, "You know what? Maybe Barney was on to something."
Announcer: A Troll in Central Park. Now, you, too, can enjoy the wonder and enchantment of a friendship that grows and blossoms.
NC (vo; annoyed, as clips focus on Stanley the Troll): God. I'm just waiting for Dirk the Daring to slice his head off, or the T-Rex from Land Before Time to devour him, or the Owl from Secret of NIMH to peck his little face out! [A caption of what he says next covers the screen] DON BLUTH UP THIS DON BLUTH FILM!
NC: And I know what you're thinking, "Aren't I being a little too hard on an animation legend?" Well, if he has a problem with it, he can tell me himself!
[The TV changes the channel to show Don Bluth himself, I kid you not, folding his arms and staring silently at NC, who becomes stunned silent. There is silence for a few moments before NC speaks]
NC: Don Bluth? [Bluth remains silent. NC's stunned tone soon explodes into joy] Oh, my God! I AM THE BIGGEST FAN EVER!! Oh, my God! Don Bluth's looking at me right now! Secret of NIMH is one of my favorite all-time movies! Holy shit! American Tail, where he's just like, "I'll never find my parents!" Mother right there! Look to the fucking left! Land Before Time, oh, my God! Before George Lucas was a swear word, that was, like, the most unbelievable thing! You're like, "I want a kick-ass movie about dinosaurs!" YOU ARE AMAZING! And what are you doing right now?
Don Bluth: Just waiting. I want to see what you're gonna do.
NC: [beat] What? [Bluth resumes being silent and looking at NC] Oh, I see. Because I made fun of some of your work in the past, you're giving me the silent treatment, huh? [Bluth remains silent] Okay, all right. I'm not gonna be intimidated by a film giant like you. You gonna give me the silent treatment? I'm gonna give you the exact same thing back.
[Both NC and Bluth stare silently at each other for a few long moments, before NC starts to crack and become nervous]
NC: Knock-knock. [Bluth remains silent] Oh, come on, it's the law. You have to say "Who's there?". [Bluth remains silent. NC starts talking to himself] Knock-knock. Who's there? Yugo. Yugo who? You go BYE-BYE! [Changes the channel, but Bluth is on the other channel. NC tries again, but Bluth is again on the other channel. Every time NC changes the channel, Bluth appears on each channel, with every change resulting in several close-ups of Bluth] How the hell are you doing that?! [NC changes the channel again, again to no avail, as Bluth appears on that one] Aaah! One of these buttons has to work! What's this one do?
[He changes the channel, going into a commercial break. After the commercial, Bluth again appears on a channel]
NC: Aaah! Suck my cock-a-doodle, you weirdo!
[He changes the channel, which shows the next commercial]
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Toys
Superman Peanut Butter
Pokemon Red and Blue
Super Nintendo Super Scope
Sous Chef Accident PSA
[A female sous chef is working at a kitchen]
NC (vo): Here's a little PSA from... [The PSA's logo is revealed to be "Prevent-It.Ca"] Canada?
NC: Nuh-uh! Nope! I've learned my lesson! Canada is fucked up! They may all look cute and innocent, but then they're sneaking in rape whistles, and putting dicks in your mouth, and God knows what else! Well, I'm not falling for it this time!
Sous chef woman: I'm a sous chef here. With any luck, I should be head chef by next year.
NC: Oh. Well, that...sounds kinda nice.
Woman: [Reveals a ring on her finger] I've got an amazing fiancee.
NC: Oh, well, that sounds sweet. A nice couple finally found love.
Woman: But I won't be marrying this weekend.
NC: Oh, what? Did you have to change the date or something? God, that's always so hard when that happens.
Woman: Because I'm about to be in a terrible accident.
[The woman picks up a boiling pot]
Woman: Really, I should've cleaned the grease over there, and they should never put the deep fryer so close...
[She suddenly slips on some grease on the floor, causing her to fall to the ground and the water in the boiling pot to fall on her face, painfully scarring her face. The woman screams in pain as another chef comes in to try and help her. NC is totally freaked out by all this]
NC: OHH!! OHH, GOD! OHH, GOD! [Becomes enraged] CANADA, YOU'RE SICK! YOU'RE SICK, CANADA! WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU?! [The incident is shown again] SHE WAS GONNA BE MARRIED, AND THEN YOU FUCKED UP WITH HER FACE! YOU'RE SICK! YOU'RE SICK, CANADA!
[The PSA's moral is shown to be "There are no accidents"]
NC: No, no, no, no, no! I don't care what you're advertising, 'CAUSE YOU'RE SICK! YOU'RE SICK, CANADA! I AM NEVER VISITING YOU, 'CAUSE YOU'RE SCARY! YOU'RE A SCARY PLACE, CANADA! PUT IT ON YOUR FLAG! [The Canadian flag is shown with the caption, "We're scary"] YOU'RE SCARY!! WE'RE KEEPING MICHAEL J. FOX, YOU KEEP WHATEVER THE HELL WE GAVE YOU...which is probably nothing. [beat] 'CAUSE YOU'RE SICK!!
[The scarred and screaming woman is shown once more, causing NC to scream and change the channel, only to once again see Bluth still staring at him. NC screams again and changes to the next commercial]
Note: Transcription not yet complete