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Commercials Strike Again (We're on the 16th One? Jesus!)
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Release Date
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November 26, 2025
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Running Time
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31:42
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Link
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Video
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(Cold-open on a black screen, with the following text displayed: "3 BILLION YEARS AGO". Then we cut to some waves on a beach. Gentle piano music plays. A fish with legs crawls up on the land and then stops to look up at NC (who is wearing his "I 🍩 Donuts" t-shirt) smiling creepily at it.)
NC: COMMERCIALS!
(He stomps down on the fish, burying it in the sand, and then runs off. After a beat, he runs back up to stomp down on the fish one last time before running off again. Then, as is tradition, we are once again shown the ABC "After These Messages" Saturday morning bumpers montage.)
Three Clay Singers: ♫ After these messages...
Clay Fire Hydrant: ♫ After these messages...
Clay Cowboy: ♫ After these messages...
Clay Dog: ♫ After these messages...
(The title "We're on the 16th One? Jesus!" is shown.)
Three Clay Singers: (audio) ♫ ...we'll be right back! ♫
Sprinkle Spangles Cereal[]
(TV static transition to: A Sprinkle Spangles Cereal commercial. It opens with a boy and girl in a school cafeteria, when suddenly the doors explode open, revealing...)
Girl: Whoa! A genie!
NC (vo): Can't imagine what inspired this 1993 cereal commercial.
Genie: Hey, you wish it, I dish it!
(As we cut back to NC, an image of the genie from Aladdin (on which this ad is clearly based) is shown in the corner.)
NC: (as genie, clutching at his neck) Ten thousand years will challenge intellectual property rights!
Boy: I wish we had sprinkles for breakfast!
NC: (shrugs) Quite an imagination you got, kid.
NC (vo): What are your next two wishes? Sprinkles for lunch and dinner? (as genie) Hey, I guess it's better than the one saying "6-7".
(The genie reveals a box of Sprinkle Spangles Cereal.)
Genie: My new Sprinkle Spangles!
Boy and girl: A sprinkled cereal?!
NC: Okay, seriously, (The boy's backwards baseball cap is shown in the upper-left corner.) is that his hat or (A shot of Daffy Duck with his beak being dislocated after getting is shown in the upper-right corner.) is he Daffy Duck after getting shot?
Boy: (trying a bit of the cereal) Mmm! I wish we had a whole truckload of this!
NC: (as genie) Don't you even want to take...a minute to think about this?
(In the ad, the genie conjures up a literal truckload of this cereal.)
NC (vo; as genie): Okay, feed the sprinkle fetish!
Genie: Hey, you wish it, I dish it!
NC: (as genie) All right, kid, you got one wish left! (as boy) I wish 9/11 never happened! (as genie) Well...all right, that's a very honorable wish– (as boy) So I can cause it! (as genie) What the fu–
Commercial Announcer: New Sprinkle Spangles Cereal!
NC: Eh, not a whole lot more to say, except if an ad's not gonna make sense, it might as well be ripping off a company that... (A shot of the remake of Snow White pops up.) no longer makes sense.
Commercial Announcer: Sprinkle Spangles Cereal.
Genie: It's every kid's wish come true!
NC: (as genie) If you sniff too much Elmer's!
OnStar with Batman[]
(TV static transition to: An OnStar commercial. The Batmobile rises into view from under the ground.)
NC (vo): We've covered Batman commercials on here lots of times, and at one point, OnStar used the Caped Crusader to advertise their auto safety devices.
Alfred Pennyworth (Michael Gough): Should a villain steal it, someone will track it. If your airbag goes off, an advisor will assist you. If you're stranded, satellites will help locate you.
NC: (as Alfred) If your...
(A shot of Batman's nipple costume from Batman & Robin is shown.)
NC (vo; as Alfred): ...nipples fall off, there's more in the console.
NC: (as Alfred) If your...
(A shot of the butt of Batman's costume is shown.)
NC (vo; as Alfred): ...buttocks explodes, we got junk in the trunk.
NC: (as Alfred) And if (The poster for Batman Forever is shown in the corner.) you make a bad movie, well, there's some things even OnStar can't help you with.
NC (vo): Yeah, this came out in the early 2000s, when Batman was... (The poster for Batman & Robin pops up.) not in the best place. So, this has the [Michael] Keaton car and music, the [Val] Kilmer car and straight-up footage, and the [George] Clooney righteous smugness talking down to you.
Alfred: I've stepped up safety in the Batmobile, sir.
Batman (Bruce Thomas): Really?
NC: He said that, like, "You couldn't step on a stair climber. How the hell did you fix my car?"
(Batman drives his car through the street after the Joker (Curtis Armstrong) in another car. The Joker laughs maniacally as he pushes a big red button on a remote control mounted on the dashboard.)
Joker: This is how you exterminate a bat!
NC: Ah, Jared Leto...
NC (vo): ...got an early start playing the Joker. And apparently, he borrowed his makeup from (A shot of Mac Tonight is shown off to the side.) the drag version of Mac Tonight.
(Suddenly, the Batmobile emerges from an alleyway in the Joker's car's path. He stops the car and looks out the window to see Batman also get out and look at him.)
Joker: (crying out) How do you do this?!
NC: Even for the Joker, those sounds were kind of weird.
Joker: How do you...
NC (vo; as Joker): Excuse me, I'm having a three-way seizure-hernia-heart attack! Not that most of the villains in this aren't a collection of fart grunts.
(A helicopter flies overhead, chasing after the Batmobile. The Penguin, grunting loudly, leans out to throw egg-shaped grenades at the Batmobile, which dodges the grenades as they explode around it.)
NC: Is he literally laying an egg?
(Batman reaches his glove out, which has a communicator on it. He pushes a button on it.)
Woman's voice on speaker: OnStar.
Batman: This is Batman. I need my door unlocked.
NC: (confused) That was a lot more syllables than just...
Batman: Stop.
NC (vo): In fact, how does he pay for OnStar while still keeping his identity a secret– (On cue, the infamous Bat Credit Card pops up.) Don't answer that.
(As Batman drives toward a projection in the sky, in the form of the Riddler's question mark, accompanied by the message, "Who has Batmail", he pushes a button on his dashboard.)
Woman's voice: Virtual adviser.
Batman: Get email.
Robotic voice: Riddle me this: what do a river and money have in common?
Batman: The bank.
NC: All right, first of all, Batman has email? (A shot of the Snapchat account by Batman is shown in the corner.) What's next, a Snapchat account?
Robotic voice: Riddle me this: what do a river and money have in common?
NC: (as robotic voice) Neither can fix me sounding like a passive-aggressive Stephen Hawking.
NC (vo): Honestly, these ads are pretty impressive in terms of scale, budget, and design. They're corny as hell, but we can't act like we haven't gotten that from Batman films at the time. For what they are, I actually think they're kind of neat.
(The OnStar logo is shown at the end of the ad.)
Commercial Announcer: Voice activated Internet service, from OnStar.
NC (vo; as Batman): Text Superman (A shot of the butt of Batman's costume is shown.) a picture of my ass.
GEICO Cavemen[]
(TV static transition to: A GEICO commercial.)
Spokesman: At GEICO.com...
NC (vo): We're all familiar with the GEICO commercials usually being pretty entertaining.
(Still images of these ads are shown, including the GEICO Gecko, Maxwell the GEICO Pig, and Marco Polo.)
NC (vo): With their cute mascots or running jokes and oftentimes pretty decent writing.
(More footage is shown.)
NC (vo): But for some reason, when this ad ran...
Spokesman: It's so easy to use GEICO.com, a caveman could do it.
(The camera shifts over to an actual caveman operating the boom mike. When he hears what the spokesman just said, he becomes upset and drops the boom mike.)
Spokesman: Oh, no...
Caveman: (pointing at spokesman) Not...cool! (storms off)
Spokesman: I did not know you were there!
NC: ...they thought they found the Beatles of advertising!
NC (vo): It's a cute joke...I guess. Not one I'd really repeat to my friends, but I guess it got a light chuckle. For whatever reason, though, they just kept going with it. And I never knew anyone who looked forward to them.
(A snippet of one ad is shown, showing a caveman in a therapist's office.)
Therapist (Talia Shire): Nobody said this was going to be easy.
Caveman: Now, see, if GEICO.com had taken that approach instead of telling everyone, "It's so easy, a caveman could do it," I wouldn't be having an existential...meltdown!
NC (vo): Like, it would get people's attention; they would listen, seeing if it's actually going to lead to a good joke, like it looks like it's going to, but it was always just the same unfunny punchline.
(Another ad is shown, in the form of a news broadcast.)
News reporter: Historically, you guys have struggled to adapt.
Caveman: Yeah, right. Walking upright, discovering fire, inventing the wheel, laying the foundation for all mankind... You're right, good point. Sorry we couldn't get that to you sooner.
NC (vo): It got to a point where even the one joke they were using wasn't being used anymore.
Caveman: Baltimore is a great place to pick up dance moves, I find; a lot of heel work.
(The caveman is seen dancing.)
NC: (blinking eyes in confusion) Bu-But what does this have to do with insurance?
NC (vo): Ad after ad kept coming until it finally amounted to the strangest of insults...
(Cut to footage of the understandably short-lived TV show: Cavemen.)
NC (vo): ...its own TV show. Yes, this was a thing.
Caveman 1: (to another caveman) These people like to think they're so civilized, but you know what? They're no different than us, just not as good-looking.
(A clip of Bob Belcher from Bob's Burgers is shown in the corner.)
Bob (H. Jon Benjamin): Oh, God.
NC (vo): And yeah, okay, (A poster for the Ernest Film Festival is shown.) characters like Ernest [P. Worrell] got movies and such, but there was at least an identity that offered possibilities. What possibilities are there for a caveman who doesn't like caveman jokes?
(The clip of the caveman dancing is shown again.)
NC: Oh! Pfft! Forgot that!
(More clips of the TV show are shown.)
NC (vo): This has been thrown on many of the "worst shows of all times" lists, but let's be honest: it's probably less the show itself and more the fact that the show existed, because everything about this was being shoved down our throats with nobody asking for it.
Caveman 2: Why not just use real cavemen?
Caveman 3: Well, I thought their diction was good. You could hear everything they were saying.
(Another clip of Bob Belcher is shown in the corner.)
Bob: OH, MY GO–
NC: The series, you'll be surprised to hear, was canceled very quickly.
NC (vo): Fear not, though, for recently, they did a Legacy sequel with this, which I guess could be a cute idea until you remember, "Oh, yeah, there's nothing but one tired joke, yet they spend an eternity on it."
(The ad in question is shown, in which a caveman wakes up from a nightmare.)
Caveman: (getting out of bed) They said that line again.
Wife: "It's so easy a caveman–"
Caveman: Tina!
Tina: Don't you want to set the record straight?
Caveman: (shakes head) Not like this. I haven't thought of GEICO in twenty years, (looks at a paper bearing GEICO's name on it) and then this shows up...
Tina: I thought this was about you telling your truth.
Caveman: That was my assumption, Tina.
Tina: It's just odd. Like, you can't say, "Bundling your home and car–"
Caveman: I have to process this. (gets up and walks off) I'm going to walk the dogs.
NC: Is this the unaired finale of the show? Why'd they think we wanted this?
NC (vo): It's not funny, not that creative, and went on way too long. GEICO: It's so lazy, even a caveman could write it.
Female news anchor: Sounds like somebody woke up on the wrong side of the rock.
(The caveman sways his head in annoyance. Then the GEICO logo, website and phone number are shown to end the ad, followed by one more image of Bob Belcher appearing in the corner.)
Bob: Sometimes, I forget how horrible you all are at your jobs.
Nautical Nineties/Caveman Interruption[]
(TV static transition to: A Nautical Nineties commercial (a segment from Ad/Break). It shows Atlantis Somerset singing "Deep Sea Monster".)
Somerset: ♫ Deep sea monster... ♫
NC (vo): Next, we have–
NC: (squints eyes) Wait, that person looks familiar...
(A closeup of Somerset is shown in a boat called The Drowning Maiden. She does look familiar.)
Somerset: Well, the Iron Curtain fell and M.J. reigned on the courts.
NC: (surprised) That person definitely looks familiar! Tamara?! What the hell commercial is this?!
(A CD and cassette tape pop up, showing what it's about...)
Commercial Announcer: Nautical Nineties!
NC (vo): "Nautical Nineties"? What on Earth is–
(He is interrupted, however, as one of the cavemen from the GEICO ads (Malcolm) suddenly pops up, waving to NC.)
Caveman: Hello, Critic.
NC: (startled sputtering) Hello, who are you?
Caveman: I'm one of the cavemen from the record-breaking series Cavemen.
NC: (looking around shiftily) You mean the fastest canceled ABC show of that season?
Caveman: That's a record.
NC: (shakes head) Well, what are you doing interrupting my commercials?
Caveman: I think both you and I know there's more that can be done with this joke.
NC: Find me one sentence where it sounds like I said that.
Caveman: After countless commercials and a TV series, it's clear that the people want more.
NC: Less. They clearly want less.
Caveman: I'm in total agreement. I think a musical album is the next logical step.
NC: (confused) That's not what I... Is that what I said?
Caveman: Right again. Rather than go the traditional rap or metal route, the earliest creation of music by literal Neanderthals would be the best.
(He takes out his cell phone and pushes a button on it. The sounds of Neanderthals grunting and growling are heard on it. The caveman nods and bobs his head to the grunting. NC is thoroughly puzzled.)
Caveman: Man, we're gonna conquer the TikToks with this one.
NC: (shakes head) Yeah, I don't want to make your fifteen minutes of fame (holds up cell phone) sixteen minutes.
Caveman: All right, listen, Casper the Pasty Ghost!
NC: All right, that was kind of funny.
Caveman: Once you taste fame, no matter how baffling, there's no going back. I know there's something more we can do with this.
NC: Sorry, Mr...Man, you've had your day in the sun; now it's time to move on.
Caveman: A Christmas special, even though Jesus wasn't born yet.
NC: No deal.
Caveman: A podcast! Nobody's doing those, right?
NC: Goodbye! (holds out remote)
Caveman: A Netflix crime documentary! We can call it "Fire and Why?"
(NC shuts him off as the screen fills with static, moving on to the next ad.)
Victoria's Secret/Half Commercials[]
(TV static transition to: A Victoria's Secret commercial. It starts off with a simple message on a black screen: "The Broncos Won't Be There". Then we are shown a new message: "The Falcons Won't Be There". Then we are shown one more message: "You Won't Care". We then see women in lingerie.)
NC (vo): All right, so I don't usually do ladies' underwear commercials...
NC: (looks up in thought) Why?
NC (vo): ...but this Super Bowl ad from Victoria's Secret had to be talked about. It's only thirty seconds long. It was so popular, the traffic crashed their own website.
NC: But here's the thing: it started an advertising technique that drives me nuts.
NC (vo): It plays only part of the ad, and the rest of the ad you had to continue somewhere else. This was advertising their lingerie. If you wanted to see the rest of the fashion show, you had to go to their website.
NC: Now, this isn't the worst offender, but it led to a lot more.
(Cut to an ad for 84 Lumber, which does a similar thing.)
NC (vo): Like, 84 Lumber was apparently forced to show the ending of their ad online. Okay, at least you could argue they had to do that.
(Cut to an ad for a web video game of some kind.)
NC (vo): But now they're going so far as to just show a QR code to scan. That's it.
NC: Oh, did I say "That's it"? I'm sorry, that at least...
NC (vo): ...had some graphics with it.
NC: This, is...
(Cut to a QR code floating around a black screen, while elevator music plays in the background.)
NC (vo): ...literally just a QR code to scan! This, actually ran on Super Bowl. Like, I'm checking to see if I sat on my remote and accidentally picked the world's lamest channel.
NC: (laughs and waves dismissively) No, no, I'm just kidding.
(Cut to a shot of the Tubi streaming service, with NC scrolling through in search of something to watch.)
NC (vo): Tubi actually did that, making it look like you're searching their library of mid- to full-on lame!
(He finally lands on Mr. & Mrs. Smith and selects that. The Tubi logo pops up. Then all of the ads featuring the QR code are shown.)
NC (vo): All of these ran on Super Bowl, and all of them started...
(Cut back to the Victoria's Secret ad.)
NC (vo): ...with this ad. Super Bowl commercials used to be where you went to get the best of the best, some of the most awesome, hilarious advertising, and now...they have an excuse to go half-assed, particularly if you...actually show half-asses. How would you like it everything worked this way?
Offscreen voice: Here's your meal.
NC: Oh, I ordered a full cheeseburger.
Offscreen voice: And you can get the other half by visiting the link on the plate.
NC: That's lame.
Offscreen voice: Whatever, we're rich.
NC (vo): Like I said, it's not that the ad itself or the idea is that awful, it's what it led to. I've seen worse from advertisers, but at least we can point to where it all started.
(The Victoria's Secret ad ends with an announcement that the rest of the ad can only be found at the Victoria's Secret website.)
NC: (crosses arms) You know, I wouldn't be surprised if a few men went to that website, not even looking for underwear!
Dragon Spirit[]
(TV static transition to: A Dragon Spirit commercial. It opens with a three-headed dragon puppet that breathes fire that forms the game's title.)
Commercial Announcer: Dragon Spirit, the new legend!
NC: It's either a video game or PBS Kids.
Commercial Announcer: In this non-stop action game for your Nintendo Entertainment System, you transform into the mighty Blue Dragon to rescue the princess from the grasp of an evil demon!
NC: (confused) Is it sock puppet based?
(As the ad continues, a shot of Metroid is inserted, but with one of the aliens in that game being rendered as a sock puppet.)
NC (vo): Would other games look as badass if they used similar tactics?
Commercial Announcer: To get to its lair, you'll have to blast fiendish enemies every step of the way!
NC: (pointing) Every one of those is a sex toy!
NC (vo): I think it's like Voltron: you combine it together, you get one massive sex toy!
Commercial Announcer: Fighting through ten levels of heart-pounding action, on land, sea, and air!
NC (vo): And that's the Jolly Green Giant's nipple tassel. All these are from a mythical adult store!
Commercial Announcer: Right up to the ultimate battle with the demon himself!
NC: Han Solo...
NC (vo): ...encased in Silly Putty! Seriously, what Toys "R" Us did they get this from?!
Commercial Announcer: Can you rescue the princess and save the kingdom?
NC: Save her from...
NC (vo): ...Radioactive Snake Land!
NC: Yeah, it's pretty vague where this all takes place.
Commercial Announcer: Dragon Spirit, the video game from Bandai!
NC: Did they never show the game?
NC (vo): Were they like, "Yeah, this background's pixely; that's close enough." What, was this like (A shot of the infamous E.T. game for the Atari pops up.) E.T.: The Game, except when you started, (A shot of a video game crash screen pops up.) it was just a crash screen (The screen is condensed into the shape of a hand raising its middle finger.) that flipped you off?
NC: What was in this game that was so bad?
(A clip of the actual game is shown: a rather harmless scene of a fairly average overhead shooter of the Blue Dragon flying through the sky and attacking flying demons by breathing fire on them.)
NC: (confused) Looks fine. Why were they embarrassed by that?
(Cut to footage of the game The Addams Family: Fester's Quest.)
NC (vo): This is the gaming system that said, "Hey, let's give Fester's Quest a commercial and openly acknowledge it's a pain in the ass."
Commercial Announcer: Fester's Quest is one tough video game.
(Cut back to Dragon Spirit.)
NC (vo): Yet, they won't even show the cover for this one?
NC: I guess I'll give credit: for a commercial that...(shrugs) never shows the product, it is kind of creative.
NC (vo): I guess I can give it some points there, but man, that's a fair amount of odd choices and dollar store props at the center.
Commercial Announcer: Dragon Spirit, from Bandai!
NC: (as announcer) It's a video game...we think!
Lionel Train Crossing Coin Bank[]
(TV static transition to: A Lionel Train Crossing Coin Bank commercial.)
Commercial Announcer: Here is a collectible bank sure to warm the hearts of everyone who loves trains.
Kids: (chanting) Lionel Coin Bank, Lionel Coin Bank...
NC: Too young to be in a cult, these kids say "no"!
Commercial Announcer: It's the Lionel Train Crossing Bank. Just insert any coin, and the signal lights flash.
NC (vo): The present every grandfather thinks pennies is [sic] still a thing will surely get you. This ran a lot on Fox News, didn't it?
Commercial Announcer: And perfect for anyone wanting a fun way to save that change. You even get to watch your savings grow.
NC: Just don't ask how to get the money out! (smiles creepily) It's Lionel's now.
Commercial Announcer: Make saving those coins a lot more fun.
Kids: (chanting) Save your money, save your money...
NC: (eyes look around shiftily) Are they hypnotizing me? Am I getting Order 66'd?
Commercial Announcer: You practically see the train roll by, and you hear that locomotive whistle blow.
NC (vo): Oh, yeah, you repeat anything over and over, like The Manchurian Candidate, and you're gonna see whether it's there or not.
Commercial Announcer: Makes a terrific gift for almost anyone.
NC: Yeah, come Valentine's Day, this is the present that's gonna get me laid!
Commercial Announcer: Plus, we'll include this Lionel throw blanket. It's a $20 value.
NC: Who the shit would pay $20 for that?
NC (vo): Even they're laying it out like it's a towel you put on the floor of the bathroom after you shower!
Kids: (chanting) Lionel Coin Bank, Lionel Coin Bank...
NC: (waving) Off to kill the mayor. (starts to get up, but then stops himself) NO, STOP IT!
Commercial Announcer: A great way to celebrate the rail fan in all of us.
NC (vo; as a kid): Dad, can I get the train set in that commercial? (as dad) You'll get this plastic cobweb-filled collector along with all the other locomotive merchandise I'M FORCING YOU TO LIVE MY SECOND CHILDHOOD THROUGH!
Commercial Announcer: ...genuine Lionel collectible, complete with this certificate of authenticity.
NC (vo): Now, you might be wondering, "What does this pedestal of boredom cost?" It doesn't say! Kinda weird. Well, let's go to that website they've been scrolling over and over at the bottom.
(As he says this, the camera zooms in on the website URL: www.lioneltv.com.)
NC: That is to say, I'd like to, but it keeps blocking it...
(Cut to a uBlock page, which comes up instead of the Lionel TV website.)
NC (vo): ...on my browser!
(The words "TURNS OUT THE SITE IS INACTIVE" pop up to the Windows 98 "ta-da!" sound.)
NC (vo): It's funny because Lionel...
(Cut to the actual Lionel website.)
NC (vo): ...does have a website with all their products.
NC: However, can you guess what's not for sale?
(The camera zooms in on the search results on the website, showing no results for the Lionel Coin Bank.)
NC (vo; chanting sarcastically): Lionel Coin Bank, Lionel Coin Bank!
NC: Well, where am I supposed to mount my heads for (The Lionel Coin Bank is shown off to the side, but with several decapitated heads stuck in it.) my midsummer cult-style sacrifice?!
NC (vo): Needless to say, it is a little weird to go to a site that may or may not exist to purchase a product that definitely doesn't exist, but I'll say this: it's definitely a commercial I won't be forgetting. As much as (A shot of [[Commercials_Resurrection#HeadOn|the infamous HeadOn ad pops up.) "HeadOn, apply directly to the forehead"!
Kids: (chanting) Lionel Coin Bank, Lionel Coin Bank...
(A clip of Death Becomes Her is shown in the corner.)
Ernest Menville (Bruce Willis): You people all have to be stopped!
Cocoa Pebbles[]
(TV static transition to: A Cocoa Pebbles commercial. It is another racist one, unfortunately, entitled "Cocoahontas". Here, Barney Rubble's plan to scam Fred Flintstone out of his Pebbles cereal involves him disguising himself as a female Native American, wig and all, accompanied by Dino, also posing as an Native American, who holds a bow and arrow (with a suction cup on the tip). Stereotypical music plays throughout. Fred sees them.)
Fred: Princess Cocoahontas!
NC: (shakes head and shrugs) Happy Thanksgiving!
(As Barney gets into character, he throws his arms out, accidentally getting Dino's face stuck in the suction cup on the arrow in the process.)
Barney: (feminine voice) It's my destiny to marry the man with the chocolatiest-tasting cereal.
NC: Is it cultural appropriation if the culture doesn't exist yet? I mean, there are dinosaurs.
Fred: But-But-But... (takes out his wallet, which has a picture of Wilma Flintstone in it) I'm already married.
(Barney looks away, pretending to cry.)
NC (vo; as Barney): Just protect me the evil Columbusaurus Rex!
(Meanwhile, Dino finally pulls the suction cup free with such force that he stumbles backwards, while the arrow goes flying and knocks Barney's wig off, revealing his true identity. Fred is of course displeased.)
Fred: Barney, my Pebbles!
NC (vo; as Fred): I thought you were a thirteen-year-old I was gonna marry! I had it all planned out: I drag you to England, where you die of tuberculosis!
(Dino takes the bow and then puts Barney in it, ready to fire him away like an arrow.)
Barney: (laughs) Gotta make an "arrow" escape!
NC: Dino's like, "I'm just glad he's not (A shot of another ad, showing Barney posing as a karate instructor, is shown off to the side.) a karate instructor anymore."
NC (vo): Yeah, you can say it's offensive and doesn't age well, but somehow, it's still more historically accurate than Disney.
(Dino fires Barney through the air, past the advertised product. Dino then runs after Barney, followed by the angry Fred.)
Fred: Post Cocoa Pebbles cereal, part of this complete breakfast.
(Suddenly, the GEICO Caveman pops up again.)
Caveman: See?
(Startled, NC yelps and recoils in his seat.)
Caveman: Stereotypes about cavemen are still an issue!
NC: That's what you found insulting about that?!
Caveman: GEICO was ahead of its time calling out racial stereotypes. That's very in for companies right now.
NC: Yeah, but they're...usually not very good at it.
Caveman: That's where you're wrong. I've laid out an incredible, life-changing ad that will eliminate all racism. And sell Pepsi.
NC: (shaking head) Let it go, buddy.
Caveman: Wait, it's got a great catch!
(A clip of the caveman dancing is shown, followed by a made-up URL link reading: "cavemanscrib.com".)
Caveman (vo): You only see half of the commercial, then you have to click on a link to see the rest of it.
NC: (taking out remote again) Piss off!
Caveman: I have the QR code!
(He gets cut off, replaced by more TV static.)
Pac-Man 2[]
(TV static transition to: A Pac-Man 2 commercial. It shows a boy standing in front of a house with a white picket fence around it. Behind the fence, a bunch of other kids all crowd together.)
Commercial Announcer: So, you got friends.
NC (vo): So, it may go without saying, a lot of video game ads in the '90s were trying to be (The following word pops up...) EXTREME!
NC: And once in a while, they made a few ads a...touch uncomfortable.
Commercial Announcer: But imagine if you had one...special friend.
(To an angelic choir, a dopey-looking boy in glasses appears.)
Dopey boy: (simpleton voice) Hi, I'm your buddy.
NC: (nonplussed) When you say "special"...
Commercial Announcer: One that would do anything for you...
(The first boy pours a glass of really old, chunky milk.)
First boy: Here, drink this!
(The dopey boy does so.)
Dopey boy: Mmm. (belches) Chewy.
(NC, not sure what to make of it, looks up in thought while stroking his chin. The ad continues with the first boy attaching a "kick me" sign to the dopey boy's back.)
First boy: Or this!
(Two kids kick the dopey boy in rapid succession. Then the first boy hangs a pair of very dirty underwear on a hook on a fishing pole and casts the line out in front of the dopey boy. Flies are heard buzzing around it.)
Dopey boy: Uh...
NC: (horrified) OH, MY GOD!
(Now we get to the point of the ad, as we are shown clips of the video game Pac-Man 2.)
Commercial Announcer: You can with Pac-Man 2, a cool interactive cartoon. He's your best pal, and no matter how much you abuse him, he'll still come back for more.
NC: (as one of the kids in the ad) It'll please the therapist terrified of seeing me every week!
First boy: (to the dopey boy, while his other friends stand behind him) Get the box!
(There are two boxes, both for this game, one for the Super Nintendo and the other for the Sega Genesis. However, they are being guarded by an aggressive-looking dog that barks viciously at them. The Namco logo appears in the corner as we cut back to the group of kids.)
Commercial Announcer: I mean, what are friends for?
Dopey boy: Uh...
NC: Okay, which kid is supposed to have something (makes "air quotes") "a little off" about him?!
NC (vo): Yeah, the ad is short, only about thirty seconds, but brother, is it mean! He's even got a lot of other kids around him, like, "Yeah, this is where we collectively decide we're going to Hell."
Commercial Announcer: So get Pac-Man 2 for Sega and Super NES.
NC (vo): Granted, it is shot nice, with the usual '90s in-your-face angles, but even the little conscience I have is like, "This is kinda messed up!" Who would have thought Pac-Man would come up with something so spiteful?!
(Cut to a shot of the Pac-Man TV show made by Hanna-Barbera.)
NC (vo; as Pac-Man): Yeah, we gotta keep the slower kids at the bottom of the food chain. How else you think we get ghosts in our maze?
(Cut back to the Pac-Man 2 ad.)
Dopey boy: Hi, I'm your buddy.
NC (vo): It's a little much, but... No, no, it's a lot much.
(The game boxes and the vicious dog are shown again. The Namco logo is shown again as the group of kids is shown.)
Commercial Announcer: I mean, what are friends for?
Dopey boy: Uh...
NC: Wait, you left out the part where we crucify him!
Walmart: School Style Decoded (AKA The Walmart Brainrot Ad)[]
(TV static transition to: A Walmart commercial. It begins with a school bus pulling up in front of a school. The bus driver, played by Sofia Vergara, opens the door, allowing a girl wearing pink and orange bows in her hair, AKA TikToker Taylen Biggs, to get off.)
NC (vo): This Walmart ad made the rounds just a year ago, and boy, do people still love making fun of it. And it's not very hard to see why.
(Taylen makes her way down the bus aisle while the kids all wave.)
Bus driver: Taylen, that fit slays.
(As we cut back to NC, the words "COMMERCIAL OVER" pop up in red.)
NC: (shaking head) Commercial over. There's no coming back from that.
NC (vo): Just play Skinner saying...
(A clip of Principal Skinner is shown in the corner.)
Skinner (voice of Harry Shearer): Well, that's it. I've lost them forever.
NC (vo): Oh, wait, what am I talking about? This kid clearly not written by fifty-year-olds will set the record straight.
Taylen: We don't say "slay". We say (snaps fingers) "you ate".
Bus driver: "You ate"... Cool. What else you got?
(As we cut back to NC, a shot of the bus driver's lip gloss is shown.)
NC: (as Taylen) Your lip gloss scares.
Bus driver: (as other kids get off) Maximum? Aura? Point? Popping the preppy vibes.
NC: I'd say that's P. Cringe, but that's a few years old. (strokes cheek) What's the word they're looking for? Oh, yeah, "bad"!
Bus driver: Wow, everyone's really feeling themselves.
NC: That's something you don't want to hear an adult say around kids.
Taylen: No, Kat, you weren't cringe in Ohio at all.
Bus driver: What's Ohio?
NC (vo; as Taylen): A state filled with nothing but traffic cones, Jesus billboards, and regret.
Taylen: To the parents that are watching, school is in session, and we are teaching a master class in style.
NC: Why am I even listening to you? You look like a cotton candy dispenser.
(The following words pop up: "School Style Decoded: A runway show master class for parents – Powered by Walmart". As the school students dance and show off their backpacks, we hear "Work it!" being said repeatedly to a techno beat.)
NC: "Work it" is another phrase you probably don't want to hear adults say around kids.
Taylen: Class is in session.
(On a stage, several kids are seen dancing in cowboy attire.)
Background Singers: ♫ Cowboy, cowboy, ridin' on a horseback / All white stallion... ♫
NC: They seem like children if they found a genie, they would wish for sprinkles on their cereal.
NC (vo): And yeah, I'll just say it: I'm not trusting Walmart to tell me what's hip and cool. When's the last time you heard somebody brag, "Cool clothes!" "Thanks, I got them at Walmart!"?
(In the hall, a kid in a neon-lit, glow-in-the-dark wheelchair is using it to spin around to the funky music.)
NC: (softly, as kid in wheelchair) I'll let you in on a secret: I can walk; I just wanted the neon wheelchair.
(As the performance continues, Taylen is seen in a P.A. room, operating it like a deejay.)
P.A. Voice on Speaker: Do I have your atten-tion?
Background Singers: ♫ Dance! Don't stop, don't stop, don't! Dance! Don't stop, don't stop, don't! ♫
NC: Yeah, cut to a real school hallway...
(A "real" school hallway is shown, completely silent and devoid of any lively children. The only sound is a gunshot. Then the ad continues with Taylen and the kids all dancing out onto the blacktop outside.)
Kids: ♫ We run this! Getting going and we can't stop now! We run this! ♫
NC (vo): I never thought I'd say this, but can we watch a TikTok video instead? At least it's shorter.
Taylen: School's out, but our style is IN!
NC: Oh, is that why your video is currently unlisted?
(As he says this, a shot of this ad's showing on Walmart's YouTube channel is shown in the corner, revealing that it's unlisted.)
NC (vo): Yeah, this video got downvoted like crazy and ripped apart in the comments, so Walmart doesn't push it too much anymore. I will give credit: these kids are very good dancers. It looks like they worked hard to make the choreography as good as possible. But when you have this kind of writing at its core...
Taylen: Now serving in the cafeteria, it's about how we ate.
NC (vo): ...I think a lot of people will be saying, "I miss Kmart."
(The ad ends with the kids cheering and the music ending on the Walmart logo and its tagline, "Welcome to your Walmart".)
NC: "Welcome to Walmart" sounds like a prison sentence. And let's be honest, isn't it?
(The following text pops up: "WALMART AND PRISON BOTH HAVE: Cinderblocks, dirty floors, security cameras, STDs, people who don't want to be there, smells of sadness, pissed off workers, buffet of unknown oozes, blood stains, butt stuff in the bathroom".)
Cinnamon Toast Crunch: Crazy Squares[]
(TV static transition to: A Cinnamon Toast Crunch commercial. It shows one of the cereal pieces wandering across a kitchen, but with everything set up to make it look like a dark alleyway. The cereal piece whistles as it moves.)
NC (vo): So, Cinnamon Toast Crunch has come a long way from (A shot of the following pops up...) Wendell and the Friendly Bakers. In 2009, they started using the squares themselves to advertise their product, usually enjoying how tasty the cereal is. But when people started to notice it's a little weird the product itself likes eating the product, almost cannibalistic...
NC: ...they leaned HARD into it!
NC (vo): Going from zany little antics to disturbing-as-hell crime dramas.
(The ad shows one of the cereal pieces stalking another, looking rather menacing in the process.)
Menacing cereal piece: (narrating) Judge me. I know it's wrong for me to want to eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch, but ever since my first crunchy, swirly (holds up a carton of milk over the other piece) cinna-dust-covered bite, (pours milk over the other piece) I can't hide who I am.
(The other cereal piece looks terrified at what the cereal piece stalking it is planning to do.)
Terrified cereal piece: No...! NOOOO...!
Menacing cereal piece: (narrating) And the truth is...
(It eats the terrified cereal piece, leaving a pile of bits and a puddle of milk behind.)
Menacing cereal piece: (narrating) ...I don't want to.
NC: (terrified) Good Jesus, this is a literal Cereal Killer series!
NC (vo; as one cereal piece): Looks like Crunch the Dipper strikes again. (as another cereal piece) Did he cut out all our vitamins and minerals? (as first cereal piece) All fifteen, sir. All fortified. (as second cereal piece) We'll have to notify the family. (as first cereal piece) Too late, they've...already been eaten by somebody else.
Menacing cereal piece: (narrating) I didn't want to be this way. I know what I'm doing. I know how...horrific...it is.
(The cereal piece is seen in its apartment. It opens its refrigerator door, where several other broken or deformed pieces of Cinnamon Toast Crunch are seen.)
NC: I am watching the General Mills version of (The poster for the following is shown off to the side...) You!
NC (vo): Seriously, does this make you want to eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch? I feel like most people watching it would be like...
Menacing cereal piece: (narrating) I know I'd do it all again.
(NC is seen eating a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. However, he stops with his mouth open in shock, and a piece of the cereal falling out of his mouth and back into the bowl.)
Menacing cereal piece: (narrating) Even though it's alienated me from everyone I've ever loved.
(The cereal piece looks at a letter on the fridge door. It reads, "We are severely disappointed in your choices. -Dad".
NC: I really want to know the story of his parents.
NC (vo): Sometimes, the shortest ones are the most unsettling.
(One ad shows two cereal pieces unrolling some plastic wrap. With a menacing look, one piece holds up a spoon to the other and advances on it. The other piece looks nervous and backs away.)
NC: These feel like cut scenes from (A shot of The Adventures of Mark Twain is shown in the corner.) that Claymation Mark Twain movie.
(Then the first cereal piece impales the other with the spoon, causing it to fall over and break apart upon impact.)
NC: You can see many things, but can you see why you're going to have nightmares around Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
NC (vo): Despite it being creepy as hell, these ads are inventive and pretty funny. A lot of folks say this cereal is great for people toking up. I think it's safe to say the advertising is definitely taking advantage of that.
(The end of the ad is shown, with the following tagline...)
Menacing cereal piece: "Must Cinnadust".
(The sound of Hannibal Lecter hissing is heard.)
Toyota: Werewolf[]
(TV static transition to: A Toyota commercial. It shows a Toyota Sienna minivan parked on a hill overlooking a coast at night. Inside is a family of four: a man, a woman, and their two boys.)
Mother: It's just so beautiful.
NC (vo): In 2013, Toyota did an ad involving a family with a father who's a werewolf.
NC: (shrugs) Doesn't sound like anything special, but the writing is pretty clever.
(At the mother's request, the father opens up the moonroof. The moon, which is full, is revealed. The mother looks up at it. Suddenly, however, there's a strange noise that gets her attention. She looks around – and discovers that her husband has turned into the werewolf that NC was talking about! She is stunned. As we cut back to NC, a shot of the father werewolf is shown in the corner.)
NC: My God, you're a Channel Awesome character!
Father/Werewolf: I guess I have some explaining to do.
(Then the noise is heard again. Again, the mother looks around, and notices that one of her sons in the backseat has also turned into a werewolf. His brother, who did not transform, is more disappointed than anything.)
Boy: (about his werewolf brother) Why does he get fangs?
Mother: (turning back to her husband) Yyyyeah...I guess I have some explaining to do, too.
NC: Okay, that is really damn funny.
NC (vo): She shows him pictures hanging out with (A shot of the Rubicon Spring Drinks ad is shown, but with the mother in this ad added in.) the Rubicon Spring Water gang?
(While "Werewolves of London" plays in the background, the ad ends with a message: "See a whole lot more with a dual moonroof". We then cut to the Toyota logo and the advertised car: the 2014 Sienna.)
NC: Also, being a werewolf, I'm kinda shocked this wasn't ending...
(The minivan is shown again, but with the sound of snarling and barking and blood spatters emerging from the car added in by NC.)
NC (vo): Nothing too much to say except I just wanted to showcase some good writing here. Well done.
(The ending of the ad is shown again.)
NC (vo; as father/werewolf): Why does my other son look like the Frankenstein monster?
Jack in the Box[]
(TV static transition to: A Jack in the Box commercial. A man in a business suit and holding a briefcase walks along. His head is that of the titular mascot.)
Man: Hello, I'm Jack.
NC (vo): Speaking of great writing, I'm finishing up with the Jack in the Box commercials from the '90s, which have earned their place as some of the funniest ads everyone forgot about, but are slowly rediscovering.
(Cut to a montage of images of various early Jack in the Box locales, with the original Jack on the drive-thru speakers.)
NC (vo): So, a little history. In the '70s, Jack in the Box had a clown named Jack that people would tell their orders to at the drive-thru. But everyone found him a little off-putting and demeaning to look at, so they often would yell and make fun of him when making an order.
(An early 1980s commercial is shown, with the Jack drive-thru being demolished.)
NC (vo): In 1980, they listened to the people and literally fired him.
(As an old lady drives up to the drive-thru, she spots some people demolishing Jack.)
Old lady: What are you doing to the Jack in the Box clown?
Man: He's going bye-bye, lady.
Old lady: Thanks, then.
(The clown is blown up as the logo appears over the explosion.)
Background Singers: ♫ The food is better at the box! ♫
NC (vo): After that, for several years, Jack in the Box had a pretty decent run, except for...
(A shot of the Wikipedia article on an E. coli outbreak occurring at Jack in the Box in 1992 pops up.)
NC (vo): ...one...tiny thing that didn't go over well.
(Now an ad showing a businessman with the old clown's head is shown.)
NC (vo): So, in 1994, looking to rebrand again, they brought back Jack as a bitter but quippy mascot.
Jack: Thanks to the miracle of plastic surgery, I'm back and ready to make Jack in the Box better than ever.
(Jack walks up to the doorway of a boardroom with the restaurant logo on it. He pushes a detonator in his hand, and the doorway explodes open.)
NC (vo): It sounds like this would get old very fast, depending on the jokes, and while the humor at first was admittedly just okay...
(Another ad is shown, with Jack holding a meeting.)
Man: I like the meat-and-cheese part.
Jack: Yeah...
Man: But why a bun?
Jack: (yelling) WITHOUT THE BUN, YOUR HANDS WOULD BE COVERED WITH MEAT AND CHEESE!!
Man: Yeah...
Jack: (calmer) All right, we'll look into that.
NC: (shrugs) Whatever. (points to camera) Eventually, they started pushing the envelope. (nods)
(Another ad is shown, with Jack sitting in a circle of young adults.)
Woman: Jack, how do you know if you're a lesbian?
(Everyone looks at Jack, who seems rather confused by the question. He turns to a guy in the group.)
Jack: Did you have a question?
NC: (stunned) This is an ad for the E. coli place, right?
Jack: Don't be afraid to talk about burgers.
NC: I remember as someone who was afraid to talk about burgers, I felt seen.
NC (vo): They usually had no trouble making you wonder, how far they were going to go?
(Another ad is shown, showing Jack and his son sitting on a park bench. Like his father, the boy has a clown head.)
Boy: Dad?
Jack: Yeah?
Boy: How are girls different than boys?
(As Jack stares, his mouth goes missing! Then, cut to a clip of Mulan.)
Mushu (voice of Eddie Murphy): There are a couple of things I know they're bound to notice!
(Cut back to the ad, as Jack points out a group of girls dancing and twirling, holding streamers. One girl hugs a stuffed unicorn.)
Jack: Uh, girls like clothes, they dance better than us, and they love unicorns. (points offscreen) And boys...
(Cut to a boy sitting in a sandbox with a plastic bucket over his head and hitting himself on the head repeatedly with a toy shovel.)
Jack: Boys like meat.
(Cut to a closeup of the product in the ad: a Philly cheesesteak sandwich.)
Jack: That's why I serve up my totally authentic Philly cheesesteak.
NC (vo; as Jack's son): I don't know, Mom says girls like meat, too, and that's why you can't satisfy. (as Jack) Well, she can go to fucking Burger King. (as Jack's son) She already did and said his was a Whopper. (normal) Okay, maybe they couldn't go that far, necessarily, but they certainly took a lot of digs at the competition.
(One ad is shown to prove NC's point.)
Jack: Maybe McDonald's doesn't mind preassembled burgers sitting around. Maybe Burger King thinks reheating Whopper meat in the microwave is okay.
NC (vo): Like that coffee lawsuit McDonald's had back then.
Jack: You get big orange juice. But why orange juice and not coffee? We volunteered one of our interns.
Scientist: First, coffee.
(The text "Warning: Hot coffee is hot" is displayed as the scientist pours the coffee on the intern's pants. The intern blinks his eyes in pain.)
Intern: Lots of...pain.
Scientist: Now, juice.
(He pours some orange juice on the man's pants.)
Intern: Feels nice.
NC: Best thing is, they have the warning sign...
(The warning is displayed, with an arrow pointing to it.)
NC (vo): ...McDonald's now has to have. What a subtle and literal burn.
(Cut to still another ad, this one showing a man at a Jack in the Box drive-thru.)
NC (vo): They also know who they're targeting...
Man: Uh, can I get...um...
(A small figure of Jack is displayed on the man's dashboard. It comes to life.)
Jack figure: Psst! Order my famous tacos.
Man: How many should I get?
Jack figure: Thirty.
Man: That's what I was thinking!
NC (vo; as this man): This is the best Taco Bell I've ever been to! (as Jack figure) Actually, it's– Yes, it is.
(Now cut to still another ad, this one set in an office. Jack walks up to a cubicle.)
Jack: Kevin! (Kevin rises from his cubicle.) I want you to move to Philadelphia and learn everything about making an authentic Philly cheesesteak.
(The ad then cuts to six months later, as Jack returns to Kevin's cubicle.)
Jack: Kevin!
(Kevin appears again, but now he has a mullet.)
Kevin: Yo, Jackie! How's it hangin', bro?
(Jack is confused by what he just saw, as is a female assistant of his. Cut to a closeup of a Philly cheesesteak sandwich sold at Jack in the Box.)
Jack: My new Philly cheesesteak is really authentic.
Kevin: (reaching out to put his hand on the female assistant's shoulder) How you doin'?
(The assistant, more confused than anything, leans away, while Jack is just as confused.)
Jack: Uh, maybe a little too authentic.
(To the sound of a ding, smash cut to a black screen as the text "Jack Faces Another Lawsuit" is displayed, while "Temptation Sensation", the theme from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, plays in the background. Then, cut to yet another ad, this one show Jack approaching a house at night.)
NC (vo): That Philly attitude didn't seem to rub off later.
(Jack knocks on the door, and a man answers it.)
Jack: My sources tell me you've been calling Jack in the Box, "Junk in the Box". (holds up a Jack in the Box bag to the man) Just try my food, apologize, and I'll go.
Man: (suddenly lunging forward and shoving Jack away) I said beat it, clown!
Jack: (lunging at man) LISTEN, PUNK!
NC: (shocked) DUDE!
Man: (shoving Jack away) YOU'RE PSYCHO!
(The man runs out the back door, and Jack chases after him.)
NC: Somebody's gonna bleed dipping sauce by the end of this!
(Jack catches up with the man and pins him down by kneeling on his back and pulling his arms behind him. Jack then puts some of the food from the bag in the man's mouth.)
Jack: All I want is your honest opinion!
Man: Tasty!
Jack: Really? You're not just saying that 'cause I'm kneeling on your spine?
Man: I'm sorry, Jack!
Jack: (pulling man back up to his feet) Well, I'm sorry about the grass stains.
(The ad ends with the Jack in the Box logo popping up.)
Man: Really?
Jack: No.
(Now we cut to another ad, this one showing Jack in a woman's house. She has two bags full of groceries on her counter.)
Woman: You can eat a lot cheaper at your place than you can at home, (takes out some strawberries and a can of whipped cream out of one bag) but do you have this?
Jack: I have dessert.
Woman: (taking a bottle of wine and a candle out of the bag) What about this?
Jack: Ohh...
(He then spots something else in the bag and takes it out: a dog collar with imitation diamonds on it.)
Jack: Ohh!
Woman: Jack, that's for Max.
(The woman's dog, presumably Max, walks up to Jack.)
NC (vo): What can I say? When these ads were on, they were some of the funniest and most savage ones out there.
(An ad shows Jack teaching schoolkids about good nutrition.)
Jack: Every day, we should have at least one what?
Girl: (raising hand) Milkshake!
Jack: Yes, a milkshake.
Boy: (standing up) My mommy says ice cream milkshakes make you fat!
Kids: Ooh!
NC: Tell your mommy stop being bitter about her thighs.
Boy: Okay.
NC (vo): Some commercials got it, and Jack in the Box back in the day had some of the funniest.
(An ad for Jack in the Box's teriyaki bowls is shown.)
Jack: Try my teriyaki bowls.
Asian man: What about these bowls, Jack?
Jack: Hey, you got some pretty nice bowls there, and so does Dan.
White man (Dan): Thanks, Jack.
Woman: Those are some nice bowls.
NC (vo): All these years later, I salute your lack of caring about who you offend.
(Another ad is shown, this one advertising donuts. Jack is seen in an elevator with a bunch of other people, one of whom has a box full of donuts, one of which he offers to Jack.)
Man: Want a donut?
Jack: (snatching donut away) Donuts are a scam. When you get to the middle, where the donut filet should be, you get a hole!
(The man looks visibly disturbed by this news. At that moment, the elevator dings and the doors open. The man gets off, taking his box of donuts with him.)
Jack: Enjoy your hole!
(The ad ends with a bag dropping in front of the camera. It has the Jack in the Box logo on it, along with the phrase "No holes.")
GEICO Caveman: (appearing before NC again) That's what I'm talking about!
NC: (exasperated) Aw, Christ!
Caveman: It started off as a pissed-off mascot based on (holds up index finger) one joke, and they're still using it today!
NC: (shaking head) Don't make me do things.
Caveman: This is why you gotta hear my pitch about a Sony Caveman cinematic universe!
(NC can't take it anymore. He sighs and throws his head around in frustration before getting to his feet. He advances toward the caveman with conviction.)
NC: All right, I tried to play nice, but you forced my hand. (looks offscreen to wave someone over) Come on in.
(Flo from the Progressive ads (Heather) walks in.)
Caveman: (surprised) Flo?
Flo: Caveman, as someone who's funny...maybe half of the time, if I'm lucky, (Behind her, NC makes a so-so gesture with his hand.) I can tell you, there's nothing here.
Caveman: (disbelieving) No.
Flo: You need to step down.
Caveman: No!
Flo: Take a deep breath and let the healing begin.
Caveman: Never!
Flo: All right, we'll try it another way.
(Flo walks up to the caveman and punches him in the stomach, knocking the wind out of him. He keels over, clutching at his stomach.)
Caveman: That seemed off-brand!
Flo: Don't make me use more of taekwon-Flo!
(The caveman groans, as does NC.)
Flo: What? I said I'm only funny about half the time.
Caveman: I'm still not giving up!
NC: Looks like we need more reinforcements!
(NC and Flo swing their heads around, and the caveman gets hit again. The one who hit him is Erin Esurance (in cartoon form, a la Who Framed Roger Rabbit), who had swung him to strike.)
Erin (voice of Heather): Buy your policy online instantly and eat shit!
Caveman: I thought you were discontinued for drawings on DeviantArt.
Erin: That was just a rumor.
Caveman: Mmm, I don't know, I did some of those drawings–
(Erin swings at the caveman to hit him again. Then, Mayhem, the Allstate mascot (Jim), rises up.)
Mayhem: I'm the Allstate mascot who's been around for over a decade, and I'm in need of some serious ass-kicking.
(Mayhem punches the caveman in the stomach, then walks up to NC and Flo, the latter holding up a plush version of the Aflac Duck.)
Aflac Duck (voice of Doug): AFLAC!
(They all descend on the caveman and start beating the crap out of him.)
Aflac Duck: AFLAC! AFLAC! AFLAAAAAAC!
Caveman: (standing up) Forget it! (The others recoil.) You'll never convince me! I'm an amazing joke, and I must continue to thrive!
Flo: All right, we have no other choice.
Mayhem: It's time to bring in the big guns.
(They glance to the side, as does the caveman. They see a very familiar (and infamous) figure. Sad piano music plays.)
Caveman: Melvin!
Melvin: Yes, caveman, it's me. Melvin, Melvin, brother of the Joker! I'm cool.
Caveman: No, not you!
Melvin: Caveman, as the ultimate symbol of a joke that never had any humor, I am telling you...you're not funny.
(The caveman clutches at his heart, presumably in pain.)
Caveman: When Melvin, brother of the Joker, says you're not funny, there's no deeper rock bottom.
(The caveman starts crying. Melvin, Flo, and Mayhem all walk to the caveman and hug him.)
Melvin: Let's all heal together.
(Suddenly, the sound of bones cracking is heard, as the caveman keels over on his leg. He groans in pain.)
Mayhem: Oh, you need to go to the hospital?
Caveman: (hobbling away) No, ironically, I don't have any insurance.
NC: Well, that's about it for this year's commercial special. I hope you enjoyed it and... Wait a minute, what was up with that commercial that had Tamara in it? Well, let's take a look at it now.
(Cut to the Nautical Nineties ad again.)
Commercial Announcer: Nautical Nineties!
Somerset: Nautical Nineties brings together your favorite–
(Smash cut to a white screen showing a message reading to watch the rest of the ad at a link displayed on the screen.)
NC (vo): ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!
Channel Awesome Tagline – Jack: Hey, you got some pretty nice bowls there.
See also[]
- Commercials
- Return of the Nostalgic Commercials
- Revenge of the Nostalgic Commercials
- Dawn of the Commercials
- Rise of the Commercials
- Conquest of the Commercials
- Battle of the Commercials
- War of the Commercials
- Escape from the Commercials
- Planet of the Commercials
- Curse of the Commercials
- Commercials Resurrection
- Commercials H20
- Kingdom of the Commercials
- Season of the Commercials