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Commercials Resurrection (We Good? Okay.)

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Release Date
November 24, 2021
Running Time
32:24
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Doug (vo): This episode br–

(Suddenly, NC pops up, wearing his "I [Donut] Donuts" shirt.)

NC: COMMERCIAL–! (looks at the script) I'm contractually obligated to let this continue. (pops down)

Doug (vo): This episode brought to you by DraftKings, the official daily fantasy partner of the NFL. Also brought to you by Chime, the award-winning app and debit card that can save you money today.

(NC pops up again and looks around.)

NC: We good? Okay. COMMERCIALS!

(Cut to the ABC "After These Messages" Saturday morning bumpers as shown per tradition.)

Three Clay Singers: After these messages...

Clay Fire Hydrant: (singing) After these messages...

Clay Cowboy: (singing) After these messages...

Clay Dog: (singing) After these messages...

(The title "We Good? Okay." is shown.)

Three Clay Singers: (audio) ...we'll be right back!

Cocoa Pebbles[]

(TV static transition to: A Cocoa Pebbles commercial. It is a particularly racist one, unfortunately, as Barney Rubble's plan to scam Fred Flintstone out of his Pebbles cereal involves him becoming a karate expert, complete with a Japanese-type wig and glasses.)

Barney: (putting on wig) Hiya!

NC: (giggles; as Barney) Watch me get canceled!

(Completing the stereotype, Barney enters Fred's house with his eyes squinting to look Asian and bowing to Fred while speaking with a Japanese accent.)

Barney: Samurai Cocoa-san with free karate lessons!

Fred: (intrigued) Free?

Barney: Hiya! (spins himself into a karate whirlwind) Cocoa Pebbles! Daska!

NC: While many of you might be shocked at this, it does make more sense when you realize the original name of the cereal was Breakfast at Barney's.

(As he says this, a made-up cereal with this name appears, showing Barney in his karate attire alongside I.Y. Yunioshi, Mickey Rooney's character from Breakfast At Tiffany's. At the top of the box is Fred with the words "YABBA DABBA YIKES-ZILLA!")

Barney: (Japanese accent) Watch me trick Fred out of Cocoa Pebbles! (kicks Fred's door open)

NC (vo): You have to understand, the Stone Age was a different time. (The Fox News logo is shown, with an R instead of an F) Rox News was telling everybody this wasn't racist at all.

(Adding to the stereotype, while Fred is distracted with his karate, Barney eats the Cocoa Pebbles with some chopsticks.)

Barney: Mmm! Chop-chop!

NC: Dammit, sensitive '80s, ruining my innocent cartoons! Nothing like this ever happened in the original–

(Yes, it did, as we then cut to a clip of an episode of The Flintstones, in which the Flintstones and Rubbles meet judo master Rockimoto Hashimoto, who is as offensively stereotyped as you would imagine: narrow eyes and glasses and bowing in a stereotyped manner.)

NC (vo): Oh, God!

(Mr. Rockimoto speaks in a stereotyped Japanese accent (provided by the great Mel Blanc, no less!), with his smiling teeth exposed.)

Mr. Rockimoto: Et cetera, et cetera!

Fred: (imitating Mr. Rockimoto's expressions and accent) Et cetera... (glances toward Barney out of the corner of his eye)

Barney: (also imitating Mr. Rockimoto's expression and accent) Oh, that's for sure.

(The following message pops up in yellow, which NC reads...)

NC (vo): THE FLINTSTONES HAVE OFFICIALLY BEEN REPLACED AS THE COCOA PEBBLES MASCOT. WE PRESENT TO YOU OUR NEW SPOKESPERSON: JAMES BOND.

(Cut to a shot of Sean Connery as James Bond in You Only Live Twice, in which he dresses up like a Japanese stereotype that is no better than The Flintstones.)

NC (vo): Goddammit.

(Cut back to the Pebbles commercial as Fred continues to do some karate moves.)

Fred: Yabba-dabba-doo!

(On this, he jumps into the air, only to get entangled in a ceiling fan (made up of a pair of pterodactyls with their wings out). With Fred distracted, Barney decides to help himself to some of the cereal. He takes off his glasses and wig and starts eating the cereal with his chopsticks.)

Barney: Cocoa-licious!

NC: (shakes head) I'll be amazed if this doesn't end with a gong.

(Barney having been exposed, he grabs the bowl of cereal.)

Barney: Uh-oh, sayonara!

(He then runs off, Fred giving chase, to the sound of a gong, further adding to the stereotypical nature of this ad.)

NC: (shrugs) Well, at least it didn't begin with a gong.

(Nope, wrong again, NC, as the opening is replayed with Barney putting on his disguise, while the sound of a gong is heard.)

Barney: Hiya!

NC: You're hitting all the checkmarks, aren't ya?!

(As he says this, a checklist is shown off to the side: "GONG", "GLASSES", "EYES JUST ONE PENCIL LINE", and "GIBBERISH WHILE THROWING IN THE WORD 'CHOP'".)

NC (vo): My guess is this came out during the Karate Kid phase... (The poster for Cobra Kai on Netflix superimposed) err, Part One... and were trying to cash in on that, but man, this ad hilariously backfired in the long run!

(Barney is exposed once again, angering Fred.)

Fred: Barney! My Pebbles!

(Barney takes the cereal and runs off, Fred giving chase. As they run off, both Cocoa and Fruity Pebbles cereals are shown, while in the background, completing the Japanese theme, a mountain (possibly a prehistoric version of Mount Fuji) is shown against a bright sun (possibly referring to the Japanese Rising Sun).)

Fred (voiceover): Post Cocoa or Fruity Pebbles cereal.

NC (vo; as Fred): Part of this uncomfortable breakfast!

McDonald's: The Hamburglar Touch[]

(TV static transition to: A McDonald's commercial. It is called "The Hamburglar Touch", as Ronald McDonald and Grimace (who is drinking a soda) are seated at a table outside a McDonald's as the Hamburglar walks up, holding a tray full of cheeseburgers.)

Announcer: Ronald McDonald and friends in "The Hamburglar Touch".

NC: Well, we just figured out the real reason he went to prison.

(Footage of the McDonald's commercial is shown.)

NC (vo): This is one of those commercials that honestly just has one scene that cracks me up, and for all I know maybe it's just me, but it's worth sharing in case there's other people who bust a gut seeing it. The Hamburglar has a dream that anything he touches turns to cheeseburgers.

Hamburglar: Cheeseburgers?

(He starts fantasizing about this and walks up to a daisy.)

Hamburglar: Touch...

(He touches a daisy and it becomes a cheeseburger.)

Hamburglar: Cheeseburgers!

(He runs off, giggling as he touches more flowers, turning them into burgers as well.)

NC: Cute, whatever, but then it leads to...

(We cut back to the commercial as the Hamburglar sees Grimace.)

Hamburglar: Robble... Cheeseburger!

(He fantasizes about turning Grimace into a cheeseburger and reaches out to touch him, but Ronald steps in front of Grimace to shield him from the Hamburglar.)

Ronald: Don't touch Grimace!

(In response, NC facepalms himself and laughs.)

NC: Oh, my God! That is my everything!

NC (vo): The image of an escaped convict going up to Barney the Dinosaur's clitoris and a scary clown covering his junk saying "Don't touch Grimace," is top five funniest things I've ever seen.

Ronald: Don't touch Grimace!

NC: (facepalming himself and holidng up three fingers) Top three!

NC (vo): It also doesn't help that Hamburglar's voice sounds like a perverted Buster Bunny.

(The Hamburglar continues to go around touching things and turning them into cheeseburgers.)

Hamburglar: Touch, touch.

(He accidentally touches himself, however, and turns himself into a cheesburger.)

Hamburglar: Touch my face!

NC: Please stop saying touch; you sound like a guy who's calling a sex hotline for the first time.

(We go to a sketch with Tamara in costume as a sex hotline lady who talks to the Hamburglar on the phone with audio from the commercial.)

Tamara: Hello, big boy.

Hamburglar (on phone): Touch.

Tamara: Hmmm, where would you like me to touch you?

Hamburglar (on phone): Touch.

Tamara: You don't do this very often, do you?

Hamburglar (on phone): Touch my face!

Tamara: Okay, I charge double for calls like this.

Hamburglar (on phone): Ah! Phooey.

(Tamara hangs up on Hamburglar and gets another call, this time from the Tim Curry Pennywise.)

Tamara: Hello.

Pennywise: Do you have Prince Albert in a can? Wa-ha! Wa-ha!

(Cut back to the commercial again.)

NC (vo): I guess this commercial is okay; just keep the term "ham-diddler" out of your head when watching it.

Singers: It's the good time for the great taste...

Ronald: You haven't "touched" your cheeseburgers.

(He reaches his finger out and magically brings up the McDonald's logo, much to everyone's amusement.)

Singers: ...of McDonald's.

(The commercial ends.)

NC: (confused) Wait, aren't they (An image of some talking cheeseburgers in the commercial appears in the corner) also... alive? (holds up hands and waves hastily) I've thought too hard about this!

Nestle Crunch: S-Crunch-ous[]

(TV static transition to: a Nestle Crunch commercial that shows many people singing a jingle and taking a bite of a Nestle Crunch bar as well as pulling a bunch of crazy faces. As they sing, also, the word "S-Crunch-ous" appears.)

Lady singing the jingle: S-Crunch-ous! (The product's name appears on the screen.) When it crunches.

NC: Everbody was on coke in '80s.

NC (vo): This Crunch bar commercial clearly roofied all its actors because they act like every Rice Crispy and it is a speed pellet.

Guy singing the jingle: S-Crunch-ous, when it crunches.

NC: I swear that guy turned his head...

NC (vo): ...so fast he broke neck but he was just so into it he kept going despite dying.

Guy singing the jingle: S-Crunch-ous, (As the word appears, the sound of a neck breaking is heard.) when it crunches.

(We then cut to a little kid.)

NC (vo): This kid is so extra Mario Lopez should host him.

Kid singing the jingle: S-Crunch-ous, when it crunches.

NC: One of my favorite things to do is to just pause...

(A montage of shots of all the different people in the commercial, paused, is shown.)

NC (vo): ...at random moments every frame looks like a corpse from a Smylex commercial. (An image of Becky Narita's corpse from the 1989 Batman film is shown next to a lady in the ad.)

Lady singing the jingle: S-Crunch-ous, when it crunches.

NC: And chocolate's so natural only your undertaker knows for sure.

Guy singing the jingle: S-Crunch-ous, when it crunches.

NC: That term sounds familiar, too. I wouldn't be surprised if a...

NC (vo): ...scrum-diddly -awsuit is the near future.

Guy singing the jingle: S-Crunch-ous, when it crunches.

(A clip of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is shown in the corner next to this man.)

Willy Wonka (Gene Wilder): (reading the contract that Charlie and Grandpa Joe had signed) I shall forfeit all rights, privileges and licenses, et cetera, et cetera...

(We then cut back to the kid from before.)

NC (vo): No, really, what is up with this kid?

Kid singing the jingle: That's why I love Nestle Crunch! (takes a bite of the bar)

NC: He looks at that bar...

NC (vo): ...the same way he looks at (An image of a girl in a pit is shown next to the crazy kid.) a girl he's keeping alive in a pit!

Kid singing the jingle: That's why I love Nestle Crunch!

NC: (smiles creepily) It puts the foil on its skin or else it gets the crunch again!

NC (vo): Not surprisingly, this kid has become a meme, with his intensity...

(Cut to footage of other videos as we cut back and forth between those and the kid in the Crunch ad, starting with a man falling over.)

NC (vo): ...being so much, people edit in...

(Next cut to a guy screaming in a Spider-Man outfit.)

NC (vo): ...different replacements...

(Cut back to the kid again as a Windows error message pops up on the screen.)

NC (vo): ...for the crunch sound effects.

(Cut to another montage, this one of various examples are used for this being a meme, always starting off with the kid singing the jingle. First, there is a guy getting slapped on the head.)

Guy: AH!

(Next, there is the famous 'Crack kid'. He gets hit in the head with a basketball.)

Crack kid: Yah!

(Then, there's another guy being shot backwards by a tire in a net box. And then it cuts back to the rest of the commercial.)

NC (vo): As funny as those are, I feel like they've all been done and I can't think of any to add.

NC: (shakes head) I don't know how about this.

(We go back to the kid singing the jingle once again.)

Kid singing the jingle: That's why I love Nestle Crunch!

NC: Punchline! There, I killed the meme. It's what I do.

NC (vo): I guess if it sparked its own series of comedic edits, there must be some passion behind it that a lot of people got into. Hell, these actors certainly did.

Kid singing the jingle: That's why I love Nestle Crunch!

(He takes another bite of the Crunch bar and the commercial finishes. Then we cut to another clip of Willy Wonka.)

Wonka: Good day, sir!

Monster Cookies[]

(TV static transition to a commercial advertising a product named Monster Cookies. In it, a group of kids are happily having fun together when suddenly, out of nowhere, an off-screen monster tries to offer the kids some cookies by directly putting them into their mouths and each kid's response is an extremely worried look on their face.)

Monster: Have a cookie.

NC (vo): What the scientifically proven fuck?

Monster: A munchy Monster Cookie.

NC: (looking rather concerned about what's going on) Do you shove those in their mouths before you drag them to your windowless van? (vo) This is an ad for Monster Cookies. And I guess, on paper this idea is kinda cute. A monster giving kids sweets to munch on. (Back to NC.) The execution, though, pretty terrifying.

Monster: Have a cookie. A munchy Monster Cookie.

NC (vo): The looks on these kids says it all. They're just playing around, and then suddenly, they're like, "Is this how I die?" This boy thought he was doing a My Buddy Commercial, and then he's like, "Do I scream, run, or play dead?" I'm pretty sure they cut before this girl started gagging on hers. Every one of them looks like a last known image on an FBI's missing list. (An image of made-up FBI posters with images from all the kids in the commercial is shown.) I feel like this was an operation Cookie Monster was setting up!

Monster: And they come in six great flavors.

(An altered image of a man with Cookie Monster's face holding a pistol appears next to the Critic.)

NC: (mimicking Cookie Monster) First one free, then you pay. (vo) To make things funnier, he out of nowhere starts singing, and the temp music in the commercial doesn't accompany him.

Monster: ♪ With milk or lunch, or as a snack, there's Monster Money on every pack. Six great flavors can't be beat...they're the only monsters people eat. ♪

NC: (mimicking the monster) Yeah, I just wanted to sing there. My improv teacher says I'm the exception to "yes and". (vo) I'm sorry. I love this ad. It's the surrealism that makes it so great, because if you think it's weird with kids, imagine this shit happening randomly with adults!

[...]

NC: Man, I went darker faster than usual on this one. (vo) Insane? Yes. Hilarious? Also yes.

Monster: Monster Cookies. They're everywhere!

(Jill's sobs are heard.)

Father (vo): SHUT UP!!!

Gotta Go Turdle[]

(TV static transition to Gotta Go Turdle commercial.)

Female Announcer: It's new Gotta Go Turdle!

Shelbert: ♪ Uh oh, gotta go ♪

Female Announcer: He poops!

Shelbert: ♪ Uh oh, gotta go ♪

NC: Here's your obligatory poop one.

Female Announcer: He eats!

(Shelbert makes a motion that he needs to use the bathroom.)

Shelbert: Uh oh!

Female Announcer: Quick! The toilet!

(The girl sits Shelbert down on the toilet, and an egg-shaped wad of purple glitter suddenly appears in the water.)

NC: Seriously, why do girls love things that shit? (vo) For celebrating how daintily cutesy and elegant you are, you sure do love stinky-ass turds a lot. You're supposed to mature faster than us!

(The footage of the girl putting Shelbert on the toilet is shown again.)

Shelbert: Uh oh!

Female Announcer: Quick! The toilet!

NC: Even the kid in the commercial looks like... (mimicks commercial girl) "I have no idea why this is a thing!" Speaking of which, did you catch the name of this literal stinker?

Female Announcer: Gotta Go Turdle! Out now!

NC: Because, of course, it's called that! (vo) What, were "Shit Sue" and "Pee Cock" already banned?

(Note: There is actaually another toy similar to this one: Sherbet, the Gotta Go Flamingo.)

Shelbert: ♪ Uh oh, gotta go ♪

(Footage of Shelbert pooping and getting fed is shown.)

NC: Bad enough this thing drops a deuce... (vo) ...but does it have to look like Frankenberry's tumor? It's gross, it's weird, and not in a good way. I hate this.

Girl: Let's do it again!

Shelbert: Let's do it again!

Female Announcer: Gotta Go Turdle! Out now!

NC (vo): (mimicking announcer) Comes with number for therapist if your kid actually wants one!

Reese's Pieces[]

(TV static transition to the Reeses Pieces commercial.)

Male Singer: ♪ Big pieces, little pieces... ♪

NC: Hell yeah. Who didn't grow up with this jingle in their heads?

Male Singer: ♪ Reese's Pieces. Headpieces, neck pieces, hairpieces... ♪

NC (vo): Want some Cocoa Pebbles?

Male Singer: ♪ Reese's Pieces. Eyepieces, nose pieces, mouthpieces, Reese's Pieces... ♪

NC (vo): This is one of those jingles that everyone remembers and no one remembers, because it's so catchy. Yet you never remember the variations of the word "pieces", so in your head you'd always be humming...

(Cut back to the Critic.)

NC: (repeating jingle) Big pieces, little pieces, Reeses Pieces, Reeses Pieces, Reeses Pieces... And that's in your head forever!

NC (vo): The only one people remember is "gold pieces", because it had that sound effect of an opera singer climax.

Male Singer: ♪ Gold pieces, silver pieces, Reese's Pieces... ♪

(Cut back to the Critic.)

NC: Come on. Let's come up with some more memorable ones, so we can hum it better.

(Various clips of NC's choice pop up as he comes up with his own lines.)

NC (vo): Body pieces, Jesus pieces, pizza pieces, Reese's Pieces. Peach pieces, feces pieces, peace's pieces, Reese's Pieces. Lost pieces, missing pieces, bits and pieces, Reese's Pieces.

(Cut back to the Critic.)

NC: All right. Now get to the part where you say "fucking shell".

Male Singer: ♪ The famous flavor of Reese's peanut butter in a fun candy shell... ♪

NC: You know they didn't say it, but did they say it? They said it.

(The commercial footage is shown again with clips from the Nestle Crunch commercial inserted.)

NC (vo): Imagine it's these actors singing it. There's no debate. They definitely said it.

Male Singer: ♪ Three pieces, two pieces, one pieces, Reese's Pieces... ♪

NC (vo): I know it's super simple, but sometimes that's the best. I still love this commercial and its fucking shell to pieces.

Male Singer: ♪ ...Reese's peanut butter in a fun candy shell. You'll love 'em to pieces. ♪

Money Supermarket with He-Man and Skeletor[]

(TV static transition to the Money Supermarket commercial with He-Man and Skeletor.)

NC (vo): Hey, you know what the internet's not talking a lot about? He-Man. Well, these money supermarket ads are. As they joke that they save so much money, He-Man and Skeletor became more epic in the most...He-Man-Skeletor way possible.

(He-Man and Skeletor start dancing as the song "I've Had the Time of My Life" plays in the background.)

NC (vo): He-Man and Skeletor, you're so Money Supermarket!

(He-Man and Skeletor are shown dancing in a manner to the way Frances "Baby" Houseman and Johnny Castle did in Dirty Dancing.)

NC: Confirmed He-Man and Skeletor, completely straight. (vo) Yeah, I bet you didn't know the bar you walked into was the Blue Oyster.

(The scene changes to another one of the Money Supermarket ads.)

NC (vo): These ads are really funny, right down to the fact that Skeletor is wearing sunglasses despite the fact that he has no eyes.

("I'm Gonna Learn How to Fly" form the movie Fame plays as Skeletor moves along to the beat.)

NC (vo): Even Christopher Lloyd's getting into the action!

Male voiceover: Skeletor saved at Money Supermarket. He feels...EPIC!

(...)

NC: (scoffs) If I had a nickel for every time they used that catchphrase...

Baby All Gone[]

(TV static transition to the Baby All Gone commercial.)

Little Girl: Daddy, watch me feed my Baby All Gone.

NC (vo): Screw that kid, Dad! Watch this milk disappear into a hole in the bottle!

Dad: All gone!

Little Girl: Daddy, you can fill it again.

NC: She's got a bit of a 'tude, doesn't she?

Little Girl: Daddy, watch me feed my Baby All Gone. / Daddy, you can fill it again.

NC: Don't you girl-splain me! I bout the Cabbage Patch Village of the Damned doll! I can take it back! (vo) Gotta love the realism of how she eats her food.

Female Singers: ♪ My Baby All Gone / You make it all gone ♪

(A shot of the doll "eating" her baby cherries is shown.)

NC: Jesus, did it make a vacuum sound every time it did that?

(The shot is shown again, with a vacuum sound effect added.)

NC: Hook on the attachment! She can do the couch! (A photoshopped image of a vacuum hose with Baby All Gone's head is shown.) (vo) And how'd you get those cherries out of her? (Footage of Gotta Go Turdle dropping a piece of glitter is shown.) Like I need to ask.

Little Girl: Now, she gets her feeding.

Dad: Mmm. Smells like cherries.

Female Singers: ♪ My Baby All Gone ♪

NC: Apparently, one of the big things about the toy was the cherries, which a lot of people swear was one of the best-smelling things on earth. (vo) How much do people love it? The cherries alone, not including the doll, go from 75 to a hundred dollars. Jesus fuck! Even the dad sniffing them is like, "Aw, shit, man! I need more of that in my life! Maybe I can sell the kids to get more."

(Back to the critic. He's holding a can of baby cherries.)

NC: Well, okay. Here's the cherries. Let's see what's so special about 'em.

(The Critic inhales deeply, then takes the cap off of the can of cherries. Two dry eraser markers fall out.)

NC: I knew it! (vo) An odd commercial, but clearly got the job done and left a big impact...and probably killed a few brain cells from huffing, too.

Female Singers: ♪ My Baby All Gone ♪

Female Announcer: This is Baby All Gone! Baby All Gone comes with everything you see here.

NC: Oh, what kind of catchphrase is that? This ad had a better catchphrase!

(Cut to commercial break.)

Disney Cruise Line[]

(TV static transition to the next commercial: Disney Cruise Line: "Souvenir".)

Girl: We went on a Disney Cruise with Mickey and Goofy.

NC (vo): I guess there's a rumor this Disney Cruise Line commercial was banned shortly after running. (Cut back to the Critic.) While I can't find any confirmation for that, it honestly wouldn't surprise me. (vo) It starts off innocent enough with a kid talking with her mom about how much fun she had on the trip.

Girl: ...My own club and my mom had a mud bath with daddy.

Mom: The ship had a great spa.

NC: But then it ends with this topper.

Girl: That's my baby brother. His name is Joe, but Mom calls him a "little souvenir".

NC: Damn, Disney! I thought the dick on the Little Mermaid poster was all you tried to slip by! (An image of said poster is shown.) (vo) Yes, this ad is corny, but I gotta give 'em credit for having the cojones to go through with this laugh. (Cut back to the Critic.) So much so that here's my top ten jokes I'm gonna follow it up with.

(The "little souvenir" footage plays for each joke as the numbers from ten to one appear on screen.)

Girl: Mom calls him a "little souvenir".

NC: Goofy was watching. He liked it doggy-style.

Girl: Mom calls him a "little souvenir".

NC: Their condoms were shaped like Mickey hats.

Girl: Mom calls him a "little souvenir".

NC: No really, they sell children.

Girl: Mom calls him a "little souvenir".

NC: It was in the Pinocchio wing, so that did help a little bit.

Girl: Mom calls him a "little souvenir".

NC: Candy is dandy, but the Minnie Margarita is quicker.

Girl: Mom calls him a "little souvenir".

NC: And if they can't afford that souvenir, I might get a NEW mom and daddy!

Girl: Mom calls him a "little souvenir".

NC: I was wondering why Mommy kept thanking her little Steamboat Willie.

Girl: Mom calls him a "little souvenir".

NC: Daddy keeps asking, "Why does he look like Prince Eric from the meet-and-greet?"

Girl: Mom calls him a "little souvenir".

NC: Mommy said her prayers a lot that night. She kept shouting, "OH GOD! OH GOD!"

NC (vo): And the number one joke I can follow this up with is...

(Cut back to the Critic.)

NC: Not even my line to say. It's the announcer's.

Male Announcer: Disney Cruise Line. Come.

NC: PLAY ME OUT, PAUL!

(NC starts moving along to a beat as footage of Paul Shaffer's concert from Saturday Night Live is shown.)

NC (vo): Yes, it's a little dirty. But, hey, Disney's always been...a little bit. (A still from The Rescuers showing a nude woman in the window is shown.)

Male Announcer: Come. Discover uncharted magic.

(Beavis and Butt-Head are heard laughing in the background as the scene fades to black.)

Butt-head (vo): Huh-Huh. He said "come".

Electronic Stretch Screamers[]

(TV static transition to the Electronic Stretch Screamers commercial.)

Male Announcer: They come at night.

NC: Sure we're still not in the Disney commercial?

Male Announcer: They strike without warning.

Boys: Oh no!

Male Announcer: But now it's your turn to get even.

Boy #1: Grab his arm!

(Cut to footage from one of Brock Baker's videos which involve stretching dolls of Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck.)

NC (vo): Now, if you've been online for a while, you've probably seen a lot of memes where people mock how kind of twisted and deranged stretch dolls are.

(The Mickey Mouse stretch doll is stretched and twirled all about and eventually his shorts fall down.)

Mickey Stretch Doll: Whooooa, my penis!

NC: Well, make room, Clown Spider and Edward Circumsized Hands. There's a new lineup for my nightmares tonight. (vo) But this is the one that just embraced it. As far as I know, these are the only stretch dolls that actually scream in agony when you pull them.

Mummy Stretch Screamer: NOOOOOO!

(The Frankenstein and Mummy dolls are shown getting their heads hit together. The next clip shows the Mummy's eye bulging out when his head is squeezed.)

NC: Oh my God! (vo) Hey kids, did you think Sid was the hero in Toy Story? Well, with our little serial killer starter kit, you can be, too.

Frankenstein Stretch Screamer: OOOWW!

Mummy Stretch Screamer: AARRGH!

Male Announcer: Electronic Stretch Screamers. And when you squeeze their heads...

(The Frankestein doll has his brain pop out when one of the boys squeezes his head. The doll screams in pain.)

NC: Why are they even attacking these things? All they did was cast a shadow! That's literally all they did!

(The clip with the Mummy's eye bulging out is shown again.)

Boy #2: Whoa...

NC: (mimicking boy) Someday I'll do this to something fleshier.

Male Announcer: They scream when you stretch them and come back for more!

Mummy Stretch Screamer: NOOOOOO!

NC: They're so lifelike, this one prays. (vo, mimicking Mummy) Help, Mary, full of -- GRAAAH!

(The Mummy doll is shown getting his limbs stretched by the boys.)

NC: They even make conversations before you torture them.

Mummy Doll (voiced by Doug): Frank?

Frankenstein Doll (voiced by Doug): Yeah?

Mummy Doll: Last night I dreamed I died.

Frankenstein Doll: That sounds wonderful.

Both Dolls: (as they are pulled and stretched) Oh God, here we go! AAAAAGH!

NC (vo): It's pretty sick and demented, but...nope, that's all I've got.

Male Announcer: Electronic Stretch Screamers. You can battle 'em all.

(The Mummy doll is shown screaming in agony one last time.)

NC: Hey, you wondering why these jokes are so dark? That's what we grew up with!

Tickle Antiperspirant[]

(TV static transition to the Tickle Antiperspirant commercial.)

Female Announcer: Why are women so happy about new Tickle Antiperspirant?

NC: Well, with a name like that, I can guess. (vo) These Tickle Deodorant ads are kind of like those ASMR videos that swear they're just about sensory relaxation, but...no. You can't fully explain it, but...no.

Female Announcer: Is it because Tickle is the first roll-on with a big wide ball? (The woman giggles.)

NC: I find women touching a big wide ball and laughing is usually a demeaning combo.

(The scene changes to a woman putting on her sweater.)

NC (vo): Everything about this sweater scene is even odder. Firstly, since everything is shot like a 70's porno, how can I not see what I'm seeing right now? Second, when here eye pops out, I swear it's something out of an A24 horror film. (A shot of the sweater scene has been photoshopped to look like a poster for an A24 movie. The words "Something About an Evil Sweater" are at the top as the title. Then the commercial resumes.) And finally, she's like, "Oh, you found me!" And I was convincing or these ads were so weird.

(Back to NC.)

NC: Not that they have much prompting for laughing already, but some of these are really out of nowhere.

Female Announcer: ...Tickle comes in four fresh fragrances. (The woman grins and giggles, which startles the Critic.)

NC: Christ! (vo) I thought we were past the Smylex commercials! (The shot of Becky Narita's corpse is shown again in one corner of the screen. Then the scene cuts to another part of the commercial.) Look at this woman! It looks like she's gonna catch a ball, and then she suddenly bursts out laughing.

(The woman starts to giggle. An effect of a baseball hitting her with bloody impact is added in.)

Female Announcer: Make yourself happy. Staying drier is nicer with a little Tickle.

NC: Well, now you're really mixed messages, because I got "wetter is better".

Female Announcer: Tickle helps keep you dry all day. (The woman giggles.)

NC: I don't know. Maybe I need a woman's perspective on this. Hey, Tamara?

Tamara: Yeah?

NC: You wear deodorant, right?

Tamara: I hoped that would be obvious.

NC: And you don't find yourself randomly laughing out of nowhere?

(Suddenly, Tamara starts laughing uncontrollably like a maniac. The Critic is traumatized, and slinks back in fear.)

NC: So, you use Tickle deodorant.

Tamara: (stops laughing) Never heard of it. (She walks away.)

NC: (softly) The fuck? (vo) I'm sure the product's good, but this commercial is laughable, to say the least.

Female Announcer: Make yourself happy. Staying drier is nicer with a little Tickle. (giggly sound)

NC (vo): The official deodorant of Totally Spies! No, really. There's nothing else going on.

(After that we cut to the next commercial.)

HeadOn[]

(TV static transition to the HeadOn commercial.)

Female Announcer: HeadOn! Apply directly to the forehead. HeadOn! Apply directly to the forehead.

(An annoyed look spreads over NC's face as the lines are repeated.)

Female Announcer: HeadOn! Apply directly to the forehead. HeadOn! Apply directly to the forehead. HeadOn!

NC: Apply directly to the forehead?

Female Announcer: Available at Walgreens.

NC: Oh, you switched it up? Way to keep us on our toes.

(But then the scene changes to a different version of the commercial.)

Female Announcer: HeadOn! Apply directly...

NC: Oh, my God! It's not over??? (vo) Did you feel we needed an intermission among all that repeating? Because you're right. Please stop!

Female Announcer: ...directly to the forehead. HeadOn! Available at Walgreens.

NC: Okay. We good?

(But then the scene changes to another commercial: one for ActivOn!)

Female Announcer: New. From the makers of...

NC: (annoyed) How is this still going??? (vo) I feel like the Manchurian Candidate! Like these are the secret words to activate me to kill someone!

Female Announcer: ActivOn! Apply directly where it hurts.

NC: (annoyed) Apply directly where it hurts, apply directly where it hurts, apply...

Female Announcer: ActivOn Arthritis!

NC: (annoyed) Oh! That you gave us one of?

Female Announcer: Available at Walgreens.

(Beat. The scene cuts to black before going back to the Critic.)

NC: Okay. What the hell was that? (vo) You gotta credit, it's genius marketing. It's a product designed to cure headaches. What better way to prove it than to give you a headache?

Female Announcer: HeadOn! Apply directly...

NC: Oh my God! Enough! (vo) This commercial definitely needs (a clip shot of...) Julianne Moore from Magnolia to offset it.

Female Announcer: HeadOn! Apply directly to the forehead.

Linda Partridge (from Magnolia): Shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up!

Female Announcer: HeadOn! Apply directly to the forehead.

Linda Partridge: Now, you must really shut the fuck up now. Please, shut the fuck up.

NC (vo): Yeah, this is awful.

NC: You're awful. You're awful. You're awfu-- Next one.

Female Announcer: HeadOn! Available at Walgreens.

Linda Patridge (vo): Shut the fuck up!

(After that we cut to the next commercial.)

Seat Belt PSA from New Zealand[]

(But first, we see NC looking up at the roof as sounds of thunder start to cook up and the screen goes a bit darker.)

NC: Hm, well then the room seems to be getting cloudier.

(Sounds of lightning then emerge, NC is still calm about this.)

NC: Looks like there's lightning on the horizon.

(Then an organ sound, still, NC is calm.)

NC: And the weather man said there was a chance of ominous music.

(NC then gets horrified after he finds out what all this means.)

NC: (horrified) Oh god, you know what that means? PSA'S ARE COMING!!

(NC covers his face in fear as we then hear evil laughter, we then cut to past PSA's that NC already reviewed in other Commercial Specials.)

NC (vo): Yes! From the people who brought you "Ahhh!" and Oh God!" we get even more overseas PSA's.

(Back to the Critic.)

NC: Okay, let's get these over with. What are we starting on?

(A woman, Nikki, gets into a car with her friend.)

Nikki: Yeah. I'll do it when I get back.

NC (vo): This one's from New Zealand. Okay, I know them for Lord of the Rings and...nothing else. Let's see what they've got.

(The scene changes to another car with a bunch of guys, one of whom is portrayed by Pua Magasiva, known for portraying Shane Clarke from Power Rangers Ninja Storm.)

Passenger 1: You know that guy in Kirk's class?

Passenger 2: What, Darren?

Passenger 1: Nah. His mate. The one with the phone.

Passenger 2: Oh, him. He's such a geek.

(The scene then cuts to Nikki sitting up front showing off her shoes -- and clearly not wearing hear seat belt.)

NC: Oh, Christ! Just crash already! (vo) Oh, they're allowing us to know them before our hearts are ripped out. (Back to the Critic.) Now there's what I have to see.

Passenger 2: He thinks he's so cool.

Passenger 1: He's at the weave, mate.

NC: Did he say "weed"? Is that legal in New Zealand? Ah. Here we go.

(Pua Magasiva, the driver, suddenly skids to a stop as the car in front of him gets hit by another.)

NC: Ah. Okay. Thought it'd be worse.

(Suddenly, Nikki's body lands on the hood of Pua's car, shocking NC out of his wits and causing him to slink back in the couch! Her face is all bloody, and Pua gets out of the car to investigate.)

NC: How long was that girl in the air? That was like a cartoon!

(The shot of Nikki's body landing on the car hood is shown again, with a screaming sound effect added in.)

NC (vo): Lovely. Okay, well, we get the point. Oh, no. We gotta do a play-by-play.

(It is shown that, since Nikki wasn't wearing her safety belt, she has come flying through the windshield and through the air.)

NC: I mean, I think there were only two moves: fly and plummet. We can put together what happens in between.

Nikki's Friend: (sobbing) Nikki!

NC (vo): Okay, point well made -- do commercials have a part two now?

(Nikki's body is placed on a gurney.)

NC: Why does everybody think they're the Dune movies?

(The paramedics try to comfort Nikki's friend as they take her with them. Pua sits down on the sidewalk with his two passengers. The scene changes to focus on a seat belt dangling from the wrecked car. The words "Always wear your safety belt" are shown.)

NC: Okay. We good? We over?

(Suddenly, the scene changes to footage from the "Bring Gremlins Home" commercial, which gives NC quite the shocker!)

NC: Oh, okay. That was the next ad. But honestly, would it shock you if there was a part three? (vo) I mean, man, can you imagine a kid going back to a Saturday morning cartoon after that?

Nikki's Friend: NO! NO!

(The scene changes from the grisly PSA to the Care Bears title card.)

Male Announcer: And now, back to the Care Bears.

NC: Okay, that was fucked up. Congratulations, New Zealand. You're the new Canada, the new Britain, the new Northern Ireland... Yeah, that's right. I said Northern Ireland instead of Ireland. This time I got it right. I mean, geesh, what's the difference between the two, anyway?

(A card with smiley faces in the background and the words "Pardon us for a brief history lesson" pops up.)

NC: Okay, that was a big difference, but you get the point. You are the new messed-up kid, New Zealand!

Stop, Think PSA (from Australia)[]

(TV static to the next PSA.)

NC: Oh, God, we got another one? (vo) Where is this one from? Australia?

Male Announcer: Train schedules can change.

NC (vo): Oh, and trains are involved. That's gonna end well.

Male Announcer: Never enter a crossing unless you are absolutely sure your exit is clear.

NC: God!

(It's revealed that the car has stopped on the tracks, and a train is approaching fast.)

NC: God, God, God!

(The woman driving the car and her children are barely given time to respond. The train hits the car, turning it into a blurred image.)

Male Announcer: Don't play with trains.

NC: Game over, man! The world has made me afraid of everything!!! (vo) I take it this was a campaign? There were a lot of these?

(Other train PSAs like this one are shown. A truck which stops on the tracks, a boy with a football, and another boy riding a bicycle are all hit by speeding trains and turned into blurred images.)

NC (vo): (freaked out) Sweet maple Jesus, of course there is! Don't you want people to go outside??? I mean, are Australia's regular ads this messed up???

(The scene suddenly changes to a commercial for Frubes, the British version of Yoplait Go-Gurt.)

Male Announcer: Frubes! Rip their heads off and suck their guts out!

NC: (bewildered) Let me guess: this was also a popular campaign. (vo) Uh-yup.

Male Announcer: Rip their heads off and suck their guts out!

NC: Okay! Now you've got the trophy! You're the new...New Zealand! Anything else you want to scare me with?

Capri Sun Disrespectoids[]

(We cut to the next commercial. Two kids are on a swingset. The girl, Luna, is sipping on a Capri Sun pouch.)

NC (vo): One back in America. Oh, I can't wait.

(The boy holds up two water balloons. Luna looks at him.)

Boy: Do you wanna trade?

(Luna trades the pouch for the water balloons. Suddenly, she transforms into a balloon person and starts to float away. The Critic is awe-struck. He then farts, reaches behind him and pulls out a large red brick.)

NC: That's a brick. (vo) Okay, that is the most creatively disturbing thing I've seen in a while. (The scene of Balloona Luna floating away is shown again. Cut back to the Critic.) Good job. What's it a PSA for?

Male Announcer: Respect the pouch! Respect it!

NC: Wait. This was an ad for...Capri Sun? (vo) And not just an ad. This was also a campaign. The idea was, some kid somewhere disrespects a bag (pouch) of Capri Sun and is punished in a fitting way. And not just a fitting way, a freaky-as-hell way.

(As the Critic speaks, two more Disrespectoids are shown. One is Pancake Peggy, a girl who becomes flattened when she runs a pouch over with her remote-controlled car; the other is Sandy Mandy, a girl whose body gets turned into sand after she buries the pouch at the beach.)

NC (vo): Each of these is like a Scary Stories ending! When I first saw them, I swore it was an ad against drugs or bullying or -- I don't know -- something more warranting against such creepy imagery! But no! It was to sell a children's fruit drink you had in summer! And this is, by far, some of the most imaginative, unnerving surrealism I've seen on TV!

(More commercial footage featuring the Disrespectoids is shown. We see Slow Moe, a boy who becomes a sea turtle after jumping onto the pouch in the pool; Bobblehead Fred, a troublemaking boy who becomes a bobblehead doll after hitting the pouch with a bat; then Boing Boing Betty, a girl who gets turned into a humanoid spring ride after she jumps on the pouch with her pogo stick.)

Stewie: Fetch!

(Stewie tosses his pouch to his dog and gets turned into a chew toy. The dog comes along and picks up Chewie Stewie in his mouth.)

NC: Okay. I guess we come full circle. (vo) Not only is it the most uncomfortable PSA in America, but it's not even a PSA. It's a goddamn kid's ad. (Yet another Disrespectoid is shown: Whoopee Cushner, a prankster whose hands and feet turn into whoopee cushions after she pranks a friend into sitting on a pouch. Then we cut back to the Critic.) Good job...life! You really threw me for a loop. Now, please! In God's name, no more!

(One final Disrespectoid advertisement is shown: Deltoid Donny, a boy whose upper body becomes pumped up after he arm wrestles his opponent's arm onto his pouch. The Critic is flabbergasted as Donny picks up the flattened pouch and slowly walks away.)

Male Announcer: Respect the pouch! Respect it!

NC: And that's it for this year's commercial special, though there is one thing that still bothers me: who was that monster handing–

(Suddenly, a teal-colored, hairy arm reaches into the frame, holding a cookie that the hand puts in NC's mouth.)

Voice: Have a cookie.

(NC looks up to see where the arm holding out the cookie came from. He looks up to see what looks like Skeletor with the arms of the monster from the Monster Cookies commercial.)

Skeletor (voiced by Doug): Enjoy, you cantankerous, cringe-peddling cock-swallow!

NC: (shoving hand with cookie away from him) That ain't no punchline, man! I mean, come on, we couldn't think of something funnier?

Skeletor: Well, you know what goes good with cookies...

(Suddenly, Skeletor's head explodes, revealing that it has turned into the head of... Wilkins the Frog!)

Wilkins (voice of Jim Henson): Wilkins Coffee.

NC: (wide-eyed alarm) Aw, shit.

(Suddenly, a giant can of Wilkins Coffee crashes down on NC, crushing him!)

Channel Awesome Tagline - Female Announcer: HeadOn! Apply directly to the forehead.

This transcript is incomplete. Please finish.

See also[]

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