Commercials

(We find our good friend, the Critic, on his recliner wearing a white shirt that says "I O Donuts" (the O being a donut) with various food items piled on top of him. He's not looking too good)

NC: Oh. Hello. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so ... (stuffs his face with a cookie) Well, ever since last week when the comments were made by the director of My Pet Monster, I've been doing a little thinking and asking myself some questions, like ... What the fuck am I doing with my life? Is this really what I wanna be? This pathetic loser? So, I do what I always do when I get really depressed. I watch old nostalgic TV.

(We start seeing various commercials that we watched during our childhoods)

NC (vo): Oh, Sgt. Slaughter. You represent a simpler time when your last time could also mean illegal war crimes, or when your biggest problem was NOT collecting the latest action set.

NC: Fight the good fight, Sgt. Slaughter!

NC (vo): Oh, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle pies. I remember when the "slime fresh from the sewer" actually sounded appetizing.

NC: God, is this the only true thing that brings me pleasure? Just pure, pathetic nostalgia? I'm a wreck.

Dino-Rob: Aw. There, there Critic! It's not so bad.

NC: It is so bad. Get out of here.

Dino-Rob: Fine. Fine. ... I'm a dinosaur.

NC (vo): (sighs) Fucking commercials. What is it about them that draws me to them? They're so coniving, yet so inviting. It's like they're in their own little world. A world that wants to be nice to you but scam you at the exact same time. Something about them strangely gives me comfort.

NC: I could actually watch these ads all day. Actually ... that's not a bad idea. Maybe I need to take a break from nostalgic movies and nostalgic TV shows, and take a look at the stuff in between.

NC (vo): I mean, I loved commercials growing up. They got me excited for all the things I pestered my parents over until their ears gushed with blood. Every time you watched them, you felt like you were making a deal them: You buy their products and in return, they deteriate your intelligence and physical health. It's a good trade.

NC: How could such cunning manipulation go unappreciated? You know what? Fuck it. I'm gonna take this entire episode and just watch commercials. Yeah, this is a tribute to all the plastic, sugar-coated nonsense that we loved growing up. This is a segment I like to call "After These Messages..."

(We then see those ABC "After These Messages" bumpers)

NC: I'm not gonna go in any order or tell them together with any theme. It's just going to be commercials, commercials, commercials. So, let's get started.

Cut to: Apple Jacks commercials

NC (vo): Ah, Apple Jacks. You remember these commercials, right? It always starts out with a group of kids eating this cereal and then some snooty know-it-all always asks why they're eating it if it doesn't taste like apples, which is a good point. Why the hell doesn't it taste like apples? It's like if Cocoa Puffs tasted like Oat Bran. It's just false advertising.

Girl 1: He's cool.

Girl 2: We'll see.

NC: Yes, yes. We'll see if he's cool by subjecting him to ... the Apple Jacks Test.

Voice: Not the Apple Jacks Test.

NC: YES. THE APPLE JACKS TEST!

Girl 2: If it's called Apple Jacks, shouldn't it taste like apples?

Boy: That's not why it tastes so good.

Girl 2: Then, why?

(Oh Snap!)

Knight from The Last Crusade: You must choose, but choose wisely.

Girl: They just do.

Knight: You have chosen wisely.

NC (vo): And then they end it with all the kids taking a picture together, but my absolute favorite part is the caption at the bottom: Apple Jacks '94. Somebody actually looked at this picture and called it "Apple Jacks '94" as if to say:

NC: God. I remember that summer. That was the summer of Apple Jacks. The summer where anything was possible. The summer where boys became men and girls became women. THAT was Apple Jacks. I know. I wrote in on the picture.

NC (vo): Do you think the kids from It did the same thing, like they all took that picture together and labelled it Apple Jacks '54? You know, instead of the summer of "Oh my god, a killer clown! A fucking killer clown!!! Don't ever forget the killer clown! A killer clown!"

NC: Eh, it could happen!

Girl 2: I don't know what you see in him.

Kids: We eat what we like.

Cut to: Popples commercial

NC (vo): How about Popples? That was a clever idea. It was a series of sports balls that could be folded out into cuddly creatures

Kid: I got a Popple!

NC (vo): This raises a few questions, though, like why where they playing with a furry pillow for a ball to begin with?

NC: Hey, you got our basketball? Wow, that's a hairy fucker. It doesn't bounce in the slightest. This will do us well.

NC (vo): And then of course when they go after the ball ...

Kid: I got a Popple!

NC: Well, shit. He's found a supernatural creature that hasn't been discovered by science yet, but where's that darn ball.

NC (vo): Also, I felt bad playing with these because I always felt like I was giving the Popples a migrane. I mean, you're kicking them around and throwing them. Doesn't that hurt? The Popples wouldn't come out like this. They'd lool more like this.

(Picture of Popples in first aid bandages)

NC (vo): But oh well. You can't fault them on still being a clever product.

Cut to: Giggles cookies

NC (vo): OK. I don't know what this kid is on, but I want some.

Admin's note: This is not a complete guide. Finish it.