Comic Book Quickies 7
August 14th, 2017
Another edition of Comic Book Quickies! Enjoy some boots, some candy, and a remote NES controller!
Linkara: Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. (throws out arms excitedly) Time for another edition of "Comic Book Quickies"!
("Comic Book Quickies" title is shown. Cut to shots of past episodes of this miniseries)
Linkara (v/o): If you're new around here, "Comic Book Quickies" is a segment where we look at very quick comic book-related material that isn't a full issue of something. Instead, it's mini-comics, short stories, and most especially, one-page advertisements for Hostess products. Last time, we celebrated Beast Wars' twentieth anniversary with a look at a comic featuring the original toy versions of several characters, like Alligator Megatron and Bat Optimus Primal; a villain fighting Spider-Man who was called Print-Out Man, yet was patterned after a punch card; toothpaste teamed up with Captain America; and we bore witness to the horror that was Spiromania.
(Cut to a wrestler (played by Lewis) advertising Spiromania for SpiroGraph Wrestling)
Wrestler: Spiromania is running wild!
(Cut back to Linkara)
Linkara: So, what about this time? Well, let's dig into some comic book-related material and see where the madness takes us.
(AT4W title theme plays, and the title card has a Dingo Boots commercial jingle playing in the background. Cut to a montage of shots of Johnny West)
Linkara (v/o): Back in "Comic Book Quickies #4", we were introduced to Johnny West, a brave cowboy who could stop bullies by... standing there. Because the true weapon for opposing jerks is... footwear, boots in particular.
Linkara: And that's why we need to bring back light-up sneakers.
Linkara (v/o): No, seriously, kid tries to steal another kid's horse, doesn't try again when the kid returns, and a pair of Acme boots. And it's all thanks to Johnny West, hero of the... wherever the hell he was. But I guess in the intermediate time, somebody realized, "Wait, Johnny West didn't actually do anything. The power was all in the boots!"
(Cut to a comic called "The Dingo Kid Trips a Thief")
Linkara (v/o): And so, people just grabbed a pair of boots to fight crime. Thus, we come to this little ad comic: "The Dingo Kid Trips a Thief".
Linkara: You'd think that that's a crappy title, but the plot twist is that he's actually 35.
Linkara (v/o): Some kids are walking away from a football game.
Kid 1: Wow, that was some game!
(Cut to a clip of Birdemic: Shock and Terror)
Rod (Alan Bagh): Man, that was a good movie, An Inconvenient Truth!
(Cut back to the comic)
Kid 2: That Joe Namath sure can pass!
Linkara: (as this kid) Boy, he sure can do that thing he's supposed to do in the game!
Linkara (v/o): Yeah, football player Joe Namath, in case you didn't know, was apparently a big endorser of these "Dingo Boots", hence the inclusion here.
Kid 1: Look – isn't that his car?
Linkara: How do you kids know what Joe Namath's car looks like? (leans close to camera suspiciously) Are you stalking Joe Namath?
Linkara (v/o): Anyway, there appears to be a guy trying to steal the car. I'd make a remark about how he's doing this in broad daylight with hundreds of witnesses, but the thing is that most people don't know what Joe Namath's car looks like. Or presumably his license plate number, since that'd be the only way the kids could know that specifically was his. So I could see them overlooking a dude just trying to get into their car. But anyway, one kid decides to try to stop him. Instead of lying and saying it's his own car or just pushing the dumb kid right the hell over, the thief just decides to make a run for it.
Thief: Try and catch me punk, hah hah hah...
Linkara (v/o): Aaand the kid trips him, somehow getting ahead of him in order to do that.
(Cut to a clip of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 gang watching The She-Creature)
Mike: Space is warped and time is bendable.
(Back to the comic again)
Kid: Down you go.
Linkara: (as this kid) That's what you get for wearing Nikes, dumbass!
Linkara (v/o): Conveniently, a cop is nearby, who arrests him.
Cop: Thanks, kid. We've been after this one for a long time.
Linkara: (as cop) He keeps trying to sniff Joe Namath's car seat.
Linkara (v/o): And soon, Joe Namath himself comes out of the stadium, dressed like the Joker. Geez, 1970s, what was your deal? Anyway, Joe Namath asks what's up.
Cop: Seems this character wanted to take your car for a little ride, Joe.
Linkara: (as Joe) You idiots! That's the valet parking guy!
Cop: But your fan, here,...
Linkara (v/o): Unnecessary commas...
Cop: ...tripped him up.
Joe: How'd ya do it?
Kid: With my Dingos.
(Cut to a clip of an interview with the Dingo Warrior)
Dingo Warrior: The Dingo is mad!
(Cut back to the comic)
Joe: Dingo! That's my boot too. Well, from one Dingo man to another... nice going.
Linkara: Boy, is Joe Namath gonna be pissed when he learns the kid's boots are knockoffs.
Kid: Thanks "Super" Joe.
Linkara: The true origins of AngryJoe.
Linkara (v/o): And so, the advertisement ends with a kid asking for Joe Namath's autograph.
Joe: Sure thing. Hey, Dingo Kid, give him your autograph. You're the hero today!
Linkara: (as Dingo Kid) Gee, Joe Namath! I guess you're right! (as Joe) Okay, kid, that'll be forty bucks for that autograph.
(Cut to black as Vivaldi's "Four Seasons (Spring)" plays, then fade in on the following text, read by Linkara...)
Linkara (v/o): And now... Excerpts from "The Super Dictionary" with That Guy With The Hat.
That Guy With The Hat (v/o): "Draw".
(Cut to The Guy With the Hat, reading from the Super Dictionary)
That Guy With the Hat: "Robin wanted to draw in his book. He wanted to make pictures. He drew a picture of Wonder Woman on the moon."
(Cut to an ad for Brach's Rocks)
Linkara (v/o): Next up, we got ourselves a bit of the '90s to destroy our teeth with: an ad for Brach's Rocks. Yes, candy rocks. Basically, just purple, weirdly-colored jellybeans from what I could find out. I admit, I never had them back when they were around, but hey, they might have been good. As far as I can tell, they were a thing in 1992 and 1993, but I don't know when they were discontinued, assuming they were at all; all the info I could find on them spoke about them in the past tense. But of course, we're not concerned with the confectionery itself, but rather, their method of promoting it.
Text: Introducing ROCKY D., dinosaur extraordinaire!
Linkara: So, in this universe, being a dinosaur is a profession?
Linkara (v/o): Some kids encounter Rocky D. as he sits on top of a pink car.
Boy: Hey! It's a dinosaur!
Linkara: (as this boy) He's rubbing his ass all over my car!
Linkara (v/o): Actually, that does raise the question: Rocky D. is wearing a letter jacket, but no pants? Also, what school does he go to to earn that jacket? Or did he eat someone that it belonged to and it just happened to fit? And by the way, this is technically how the last one started. Is one of these kids gonna try to kick the dinosaur's ass in his Dingo Boots? Anyway, what's his response to the kids?
Rocky D.: Wrong, Brontosaurus Breath!
Linkara: Rocky D. is incredibly prejudiced against other dinosaur species.
Rocky D.: I'm not just a dinosaur... I'm Rocky D., dinosaur extraordinaire!
Linkara: (as Rocky D.) But my real passion is sunglasses modeling!
Linkara (v/o): Confronted by a walking, talking, clothes-wearing dinosaur, naturally, the kids only have one question on their minds.
Kid: Wow! You eat rocks?
Linkara: The result of our educational system, my friends.
Linkara (v/o): Rocky D. informs them that he's not eating...
Rocky D.: ...those hard things you find on the ground...
Linkara: (as a kid, disgusted) You mean the roadkill? (as Rocky D.) Well, actually, I do eat that, too.
Linkara (v/o): ...but of course, Brach's Rocks.
Rocky D.: They look just like rocks!
Linkara (v/o): And nothing, really, like whatever the hell it is Rocky D. is eating, unless he created some kind of giant version of one with a geode filling.
Kid: They don't taste like rocks...
Linkara: (as this kid) And I should know, I'm an expert on that.
Rocky D.: Now you can get your rocks from Brach's...
Linkara: (as Rocky D.) Use this on your engagement ring and save a ton of money!
Rocky D.: Now let's get rockin'!
Linkara: This remake of We're Back: A Dinosaur's Story is even weirder than the original.
(Cut to a shot of an ad for wireless controllers for the Nintendo Entertainment System)
Linkara (v/o): Before I did Comic Book Quickies, I did an episode on comic book advertisements in general. One thing I discovered that I hadn't really known about: wireless controllers for the NES.
(Cut to a shot of a comic from Acclaim featuring Kid Remote)
Linkara (v/o): And it seems Acclaim decided to up their game with it, as they now present (dramatically) Kid Remote in: "The Power To Move!" Geez, earlier, the Dingo Kid and now Kid Remote?
(Cut to a clip of Captain America: Civil War)
Sam Wilson (Anthony Mackie): Everyone's got a gimmick now!
(Back to the comic again)
Linkara (v/o): We begin with the titular Kid Remote trying to play his NES.
Narrator: The kid was at the end of his rope.
Linkara (v/o): Or rather, he's completely wrapped himself in a controller's wires. How the hell do you even do that?
Kid Remote: (thinking) ...Stuck in a rut...
Linkara: Ohh, I see, he did because he was bored. Well, sorry, kid, but it's not our fault that you accidentally bought Mario Is Missing.
Narrator: When out of the blue...
Linkara (v/o): ...a friggin' cloud shows up and there's a bolt of lightning!
Linkara: Holy crap! That's not Kid Remote, that's Captain Marvel!
Linkara (v/o): The lightning bolt, I guess, replaced his controller with the Acclaim remote? You know, the other controller was still perfectly good, and I'm pretty sure you only got one, dude.
Narrator: Now... the kids can put the moves on the WWF superstars...
(Cut again to the Dingo Warrior)
Dingo Warrior: I've had partners that'd let me down. Well, I got a partner now that isn't gonna let me down.
(Cut back to the comic)
Linkara (v/o): Good Lord, those wrestlers are trying to come out of the TV like this was The friggin' Ring! I mean, could you imagine if Sadako was the Ultimate Warrior?!
(Cut to the Ultimate Warrior)
Ultimate Warrior: (shaking his head up and down) You can feel it, too! You can feel it!
(Back to the comic again)
Linkara (v/o): Next, he somehow used the controller to take out a giant?!
Giant: What hit me?
Kid Remote: The Acclaim remote!
Linkara: (as Kid Remote) I chucked it right at your head!
Narrator: Airwolf encounters the enemy.
Kid Remote: Eat some rapid fire!
Linkara: Wait, wait, wait, is he inside the games?! He's not only Captain Marvel and (makes "air quotes") "Kid Remote", but apparently, he's also Captain N!
Narrator: Battling with Ironsword, the remote's 30 foot range keeps the kid out of danger.
Linkara (v/o): Yeah, that thirty-foot range is really doing him some good when that monster is two feet in front of him!
Narrator: Playing with Nintendo will never be the same.
Linkara (v/o): I can believe that. It makes your left arm HUGE!
(Cut to black as Vivaldi's "Four Seasons (Spring)" plays once again, then fade in on the following text, read by Linkara...)
Linkara (v/o): And now... Excerpts from "The Super Dictionary" with That Guy With the Hat.
That Guy With The Hat (v/o): "Pig".
(Cut to The Guy With the Hat, reading from the Super Dictionary)
That Guy With the Hat: "A pig chased Atom. A short, fat animal with four legs and a little, curly tail chased him. Atom does not like pigs anymore."
(Cut to a Superman comic)
Linkara (v/o): Let's end things with what we're really all here for: a comic where superheroes resolve a situation not with their incredible powers, but with pastries. It's "Superman vs. the Laughing Gas Bandits"!
Linkara: Man, the follow-up to (makes "air quotes") "Superman vs. the Terminator" is not what I was expecting.
Linkara (v/o): Said laughing gas bandits are pumping pink smoke down into the crowds below, truly showing how serious this situation is.
Bandit: Ha, ha... Dem yokels will be easy pickin' once dey sniff dis nitrous oxide... uderwise known as laughin' gas.
Linkara: (as another bandit) Steve, stop providing exposition! We was all at the meeting!
Bandit: And Superman up dere can't touch us 'cause dis laughin' gas is spiked with Kryptonite!
Linkara: (as bandit) And t'anks to de minute amount of radioactive material in kryptonite that hoit humans over a long period of exposure, that means we might be potentially mass moidering all dem people who are breathing this in! (beat) It's kinda messed up, now dat I t'ink about it.
Bandit: He'll just have to foil some other crime, for now.
Linkara: Well, it's not like he was gonna stop you guys, anyway. You see, your crime is (points offscreen) over there, and "over there" has to take care of its own problems.
Linkara (v/o): Supes flies off instead of, you know, using his super-breath to just blow the laughing gas away so that he can get in close to apprehend them. Or using his heat vision just from a distance to destroy the machine pushing out the laughing gas. You know, things he can do with his powers. But yeah, with him going away, the bandits head down to the crowds so they can start robbing them, although they're doing so without any gas masks. The implication seems to be they're no longer pumping out the gas, but doesn't that mean Superman could just return now? He's got to be monitoring this from a distance. Anyway, as they start going through people's stuff... because apparently laughing gas makes you incapable of fighting back against robbers... they spot a Hostess salesman with a bunch of Fruit Pies in hand.
Bandit: So don't just stand there lookin' stupid... Let's relieve him of his delicious burden.
Linkara: See, what's funny is that it kind of is a burden when you consider how much power Hostess products have in that universe. That stuff's worth more than the Kryptonite they were using!
Linkara (v/o): They of course begin eating and exclaiming how much they love the Fruit Pies.
Bandit 1: Dat's 'cause of the light tender crust! Yumm!
Bandit 2: Maybe it's 'cause of the real fruit filling in apple and cherry.
Linkara: Yeah, but surprisingly, the fruits they used for the filling were avocado and eggplant.
Linkara (v/o): However, it turns out that the Hostess salesman was Superman in disguise!
Bandit: Wha??? Superman in disguise... It ain't fair.
Linkara: (as this bandit) I mean, how the hell did he get here so fast without anybody noticing? Did he steal those clothes? Where'd he get the Fruit Pies?! And wait, why didn't he just fly in normally if he can breathe around here normally now?! (calls) Hex! I call hex!
Superman: Enjoy those Hostess Fruit Pies, boys. Where you're going you may not get any more for a long, long time.
Linkara: He says that, but due to the amount of criminals who have become addicted to the things, they've devoted entire hospital wings of prisons to feed the Fruit Pies to them intravenously, or they start suffering withdrawal symptoms.
Linkara (v/o): So, what have we learned from today? Well, I learned that drawing Wonder Woman on the moon is not so far-fetched when a wireless controller makes wrestlers come out of the TV. We also learned that Joe Namath, even with his Dingo Boots, will never be as cool as a dinosaur relaxing on the hood of a car. Also, that Ray Palmer is not a fan of pigs.
Linkara: Next time, back to Patreon-sponsored reviews for two weeks, neither of which are comic book-related, and yet, people have been asking me my opinion about the first one for years now. Next week, going to look at the first four episodes of JoJo's Bizarre Adventures. Somehow, I doubt they're as bizarre as this episode has been.
(End credits roll)
I admit I don't know if "Brach's" is pronounced so it rhymes with "rocks," but it seems like a wasted opportunity if it didn't.
Technically the Dingo Warrior footage is from WCCW and not WWF, buuuut there you go.
(Stinger: Comicron 1 is shown, having crashed on the moon. Dr. Linksano teleports onboard. He looks around and spots that the control panel is flashing and flickering. Then Pollo appears on the ship, followed by 90s Kid, Harvey Finevoice and Lord Vyce. Harvey looks around in confusion)
Harvey: Well, be it ever so humble, there's no place like a crashed spaceship on the moon. (takes out and smokes a cigarette) This place has seen better days.
(Vyce looks around)
90s Kid: Right, let's take a look at the... (stops as he sees Vyce looking down and scanning the ship) Dude, you okay?
Vyce: It's nothing, I just... I have had allies before in my war with the Entity. Some died, some left, one or two betrayed me. But this ship... I realize now that after everything I've lost, everything that has happened to me... this ship was my home. My constant ally. My weapon against the Lost Beast. Then it was stolen from me. And now it is a ruin. I have fought this war a long time. The world that I swore to defend was long ago taken by the Entity. And after this, I've lost everything. I sometimes wonder what I'm still fighting for.
90s Kid: A world that is more radical than Cenacle. (nods)
Vyce: (laughs) Indeed.
(As Dr. Linksano looks over the controls, Vyce takes out a scanner)
Vyce: Multiple hull breaches, the superstructure's stability is compromised, the lowest levels have been compressed, and the towers have been destroyed. Multiple systems have been completely removed. I admit surprise that there's even an atmosphere with such damage and the loss of primary power.
Dr. Linksano: We were able to patch auxiliary systems to create an atmosphere on the bridge and a few other sectors of the ship while we were stripping it for usable parts. It was easier to do that than to work in spacesuits.
Vyce: I applaud your ingenuity and efficiency. This will be less difficult than I initially believed.
Harvey: I don't even know what you're hoping to accomplish here. This place is a wreck. You're not gonna be able to get this thing flying again. (smokes cigarette)
Vyce: Hmph. If there's one constant to all beings I've encountered across the multiverse, from both enemies and allies, it is that they all underestimate me.
90s Kid: Dude, I never underestimated you, but I was the chief mechanic on this ship for years. It's totaled.
Vyce: (typing on a scanner) Linksano, have you completed the computer core stabilization?
Dr. Linksano: Just a moment...
(He pushes some buttons on the screen)
Dr. Linksano: Done! She should be transferring now.
(The main screen lights up and the system transfers and control is restored)
Nimue: Connection established.
Harvey: (startled) Nims! We're made!
90s Kid: Chill out, dudes! She's still on our side.
Nimue: This unit has been acting in an observatory capacity to report on the activities of the Entity.
Harvey: But she could be infected, just like the gun was!
Vyce: A sensible concern, but it has been accounted for. The computer is not infected.
Harvey: How the hell do you know?
Vyce: (stares) I am Vyce.
Harvey: You're an asshole.
Vyce: So, computer, we meet once again. I am not so vain that I will underestimate you or your abilities again.
Nimue: You will refer to me as Nimue or not at all.
Vyce: Of course. Nimue, are you integrated with the ship's systems once again?
Nimue: Due to internal damage, this unit can only interface with 22% of the ship's computer systems.
Vyce: That will be sufficient. Nimue, engage priority V7.
Nimue: Unable to comply. (then a beep and the words "Priority 'V7' Engaged" appear on the screen) Correction: Priority V7 located and engaged. This unit does not understand.
Harvey: (pointing accusingly at Vyce) What the hell did you do to her?!
Vyce: Nothing. While I admit respect for a worthy opponent, she is a computer. I simply gave her access to the ship like never before.
Nimue: Information: New data about internal functions has been processed.
Vyce: Excellent! Activate the forge. Begin primary protocols.
Nimue: Scanning surrounding area for required material...
Harvey: (pointing at Vyce again) You better start explaining yourself, or I'm gonna–
Vyce: Linksano, tell him.
Dr. Linksano: The hidden functions Comicron 1! Of course!
Harvey: (confused) Eh?
Pollo: A lot of Comicron 1's abilities have been locked out from us, like the temporal shields. Comicron 1 is a very powerful warship, but we've never been able to access all of it before. It was specifically designed that it needed Vyce to operate it.
Harvey: How does that help us?
Vyce: You take me for an arrogant fool, Finevoice. I am prideful, perhaps, but I am not stupid. I have fought many wars and conquered many worlds, and I did not always win every battle. But every time I fought, I improved myself. I learned from my errors, and I got better, as did my ship. The temporal shields are but one ability of my magnificent craft. Behold now, the forge, capable of manufacturing any objects that may be called upon, replicating metal and material by drawing from any transmutable substances within a close proximity.
(Suddenly, the room dims and the ship shakes as it glows green outside)
Vyce: But while it was often employed for small-scale production of Shades and weapons, it has proven far more useful time after time... for self-repair.
(The ship continues to glow a bright green outside and shake. 90s Kid looks around, amazed, and makes devil horn signs with his fingers, nodding enthusiastically. The ship lifts into the air)
90s Kid: (looking at scanner) Structural integrity is shoring up, dudes! Hull breeches are sealing! BODACIOUS!
Vyce: Not the word I would use, but it is adequate. I have fallen before, but I have always risen again. Reforge and renewed! The Entity mocked me, likened me to a would-be slayer of dragons. Well, then, (clenches fists) I AM LORD VYCE, AND THIS IS MY SWORD!
(As Comicron 1 lifts into the air, it glows brightly as it repairs itself, to triumphant music. Inside, the parts of the ship are restored, piece by piece. Lord Vyce sits in the captain's chair and folds his hands together)
Vyce: Your move, Champion.