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Comic Book Quickies 3

At4w comic book quickies 3 by mtc studios.png

Released
June 23rd, 2014
Running time
18:39
Previous review
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Tagline
Attacks by the soggies, plant ladies, and bees!
Link


Linkara: Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. It's time for another edition of "Comic Book Quickies", and I've got a treat for you this time: I actually have (holds up a box of cherry-flavored Hostess Fruit Pies) Hostess Fruit Pies! (opens up the box and takes out one of the pies) Now, let's see if they're actually worth it for villains to give up their plans...

(He unwraps the pie and starts to eat it. He savors it a bit and then examines the bite he made)

Linkara: No. They're really not. Basically like... unheated Pop-Tarts. Which I like, but... (shakes head) no.

(AT4W title sequence plays, and the title card has a Hostess jingle playing in the background. Cut to the start of an Incredible Hulk comic)

Linkara (v/o): And since we were on that subject, let's get the ball rolling with another Hostess Fruit Pie ad! This is "The Incredible Hulk and the Green Thumb".

Linkara: (as the Hulk, holding up fists) Hulk like flower garden! Hulk use weed whacker!

Linkara (v/o): We see the Hulk inside of some kind of plant shop, and the narration informs us that...

Narrator: The Hulk has been "befriended" by Cousin Betsy, the Plant Lady.

Linkara: Some people end up becoming crazy cat ladies. Others apparently end up as crazy plant ladies.

Linkara (v/o): See? It even says so on her sign: "COUSIN BETSY – THE PLANT LADY".

Linkara: And somewhere David S. Goyer assumes that Cousin Betty...

(Editor's note: "Betsy")

Linkara: ...was invented to be someone for the Hulk to screw.

Betsy: Now, now, dear green thing! I'm only too happy to take you in with all my other...er...all my vegetables and plants.

Linkara: (confused) Did she think the Hulk was a plant?

Linakra (v/o): Man, this reboot origin for Poison Ivy isn't very good.

Hulk: Hulk no remember how he got here. But Hulk happy. Finally find place where Hulk can find peace...

Linkara: (as Hulk) Although Hulk prefer tulips.

Linkara (v/o): Unfortunately, it seems the plant lady... Are we seriously calling her that? Geez. ...took inspiration from Mr. Computer, since a good chunk of her plants are actually abominations with faces and names like Rhoda Dendron, Artie Choke, and Mari Gold.

Linkara: (incredulously) Mr. Computer? That finger thing from "Bill & Ted"? Why do I keep finding comics where people put faces on things THAT SHOULD NOT HAVE FACES?!?

Betsy: I want you to meet the Hulk. That jade giant is going to join us...in our next robbery of diamonds and other precious things...

Linkara (v/o): So, wait, these plants aren't abominations, they're aliens! What, don't you remember?

(Cut to a shot of the alien plants from "Batman #147")

Linkara (v/o): Back in the "Batman #147" review! The alien plants that bank robbers were using!

Linkara: (listlessly) Wow, that was an old reference. It's almost like next week is my 300th episode or something.

Hulk: Hulk no join strange plants. Hulk no like people--or plants.

Linkara (v/o): Really? Because two panels ago, you seemed pretty on board with sitting under the shade of one. All I ask for is consistency in my one-page promotional comics. Also, the Hulk isn't against the bank robbery part, he just thinks the plants are weird. Of course. The plant lady does not take this refusal well, ordering the artichoke to strangle him...

Linkara: (listlessly, as he clutches at his temples) Ordering the artichoke to strangle him... (sighs as he massages his forehead) This is what I chose to do with my life.

Linkara (v/o): The Hulk lifts the artichoke creature over his head... and apparently, the artichoke was keeping lots and lots of jewelry hidden inside its head. Between its leaves. Also, Hostess Fruit Pies. It was keeping... Hostess Fruit Pies... on its head. With jewelry.

(Cut to a clip of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 gang as they watch The Incredible Melting Man)

Crow T. Robot: What is happening?!

(Cut back to the comic)

Mari Gold: Forget the diamonds... save the delicious Hostess Fruit Pies.

Linkara: And suddenly, there's the next big parody song: "Lucy in the Sky with Hostess Fruit Pies".

Linkara (v/o): And suddenly, it's the end, with the cops leading Betty [sic] and her plant creatures away in handcuffs... even though the plants don't have hands.

Cop: A criminal gang of plants that love juicy Hostess Fruit Pies!!! What next?

Linkara: (as cop) Guys, we just got an A.P.B.! That giant flea market-eating flea is attacking! (as another cop) Ron... (massages forehead in frustration) this is why I drink at night.

Hulk: Next, Hulk go find peace in city...far away from green things!

Linkara: (as Hulk) Hulk full of self-loathing!

Linkara (v/o): So, the Hostess Fruit Pie ads aren't the only ads done as a one-page comic.

(Cut to a closeup of the cover of "Captain America #326")

Linkara (v/o): As such, let's check out this little ditty that I first saw in "Captain America #326", which you may recall from a Longbox of the Damned episode.

Linkara: Aw, man, isn't Longbox of the Damned such a great show? I wish there was a great DVD currently available that you could purchase that featured more. (holds up a copy of "AT4W, Vol. 2: Editorial Mandate") Like this one right here.

Linkara (v/o): And for this one, we have (reads title dramatically) "The Amazing Spider-Man In the FREE THE CAP'N MYSTERY"! Oh, that's not much of a mystery. See, Spidey? Captain Crunch is right there in that box. You're standing right over him! Why aren't you freeing him?! It's a mystery!

(The comic opens to the first page)

Narrator: FLASH!

Linkara: (singing) Ahh! Savior of the universe!

Narrator: A final edition of the Daily Bugle bears bad breakfast news...

Linkara: Let's face it, guys, (points to camera) breakfast is ruined.

Linkara (v/o): And what is this bad news? (reads headline on newspaper) "CAP'N CRUNCH CAPTURED BY SOGMASTER! Fate of Crunch Power Uncertain"!

Linkara: So, the power that Captain Crunch wields is intangible and can be passed onto others?

Narrator: Soggies may rule!

Linkara: THE HELL THEY WILL!!! (takes out a machine gun and cocks it, then holds up Captain America's shield) THIS IS AMERICA!!! (shoots machine gun everywhere)

Linkara (v/o): We cut to "Sogland", which is apparently a white void, where Spider-Man is investigating with... (slightly uncomfortably) a bunch of ranch dressing in his hand. Eww!

Spider-Man: Yuk! No solid evidence here... but I suspect the Cap'n's nearby.

Linkara: (looking grossed out) What exactly about that... (points to camera) spooge made you think the Captain was nearby?

Narrator: Meanwhile, on a hillslop...

Soggy: It's Spider-Man, Sogmaster!

Linkara: Wait, if this is a "meanwhile", does that mean that there's more than one Spider-Man swinging around this place?

Linkara (v/o): Also, seriously with this place? It looks like the Soggies are made of the same material as their land! Is this country just made up of the dead bodies of the Soggies? Anyway, the Sogmaster... who is apparently some kind of giant robot, or is he a Soggy who was critically injured and put into a cybernetic form to save his life? ...decides to end the threat of Spider-Man by swatting him with a giant "fly splotter". I don't know what a splotter is versus a swatter, but I do know that there will be a great big splatter if that thing hits Spidey. And is Spidey actually able to stick to the giant mountains of cream cheese that make up this place?

Spider-Man: Hmm... My Spider-Sense tells me I better find Cap'n Crunch and spin on outta here fast... or else breakfast'll be doomed... and I'll be sogged!

Linkara: Yes, breakfast will indeed be doomed. Why, kids might start eating Trix or Froot Loops or, heaven help us all during the Halloween season, Fruity Yummy Mummy.

Linkara (v/o): Anyway, the point of the thing is advertising a "Free the Cap'n" contest, which naturally is about 27 years out of date at this point. Seeing as the Captain is still gracing cereal boxes and Spider-Man lived to experience the Clone Saga, we can conclude that Soggies did not end ruling. Dodged that bullet.

(Cut to black as Vivaldi's "Four Seasons (Spring)" plays, then fade in on the following text, read by Linkara...)

Linkara (v/o): And now... Excerpts from "The Super Dictionary" with That Guy With The Hat.

That Guy With The Hat (v/o): "Fifty".

(Cut to The Guy With the Hat, reading from the Super Dictionary)

That Guy With the Hat: "Atom counted fifty bees flying toward him. He counted 50 bees. Get bigger, Atom! That's as many as five tens. (takes off glasses) And that's too many bees when you are tiny." We'll be right back.

(The screen goes black as we go to a commercial break. Upon return, "Four Seasons (Spring)" plays again as the same text from before appears...)

Linkara (v/o): And now... Excerpts from "The Super Dictionary" with That Guy With The Hat.

That Guy With The Hat (v/o): "Anything".

(Cut to The Guy With the Hat, reading from the Super Dictionary)

That Guy With the Hat: "Robin will do anything for Batman. He will do any one of many things for Batman." (smiles suggestively)

(Cut to the cover of a comic called "Marvel Team-Up #137")

Linkara (v/o): So, there's a comic that I occasionally get requests for: "Marvel Team-Up #137". Who's teaming up? Aunt May and Franklin Richards, the son of Mr. Fantastic and the Invisible Woman! Ohhh, yeah, I should explain this, especially since, as you're seeing on the cover, it's the two of them versus Galactus. And Aunt May is glowing bright gold. In 1984, there was a kinda sorta event across the Marvel titles called "Assistant Editors' Month". The idea was that all of the normal Marvel editors are off at San Diego Comic-Con, so all the assistant editors are in charge of the books, leading to goofy hijinks across the titles.

Linkara: I would just like to point out that even in 1984, it was assumed that editors wrote the comics and not, you know, the writers! Everything was dictated by... (holds up AT4W DVD, with the tagline "Editorial Mandate", which he shakes in front of camera) editorial mandate...? (smiles)

Linkara (v/o): Anyway, the point is that while some comics just basically ignored it, other comics did more humorous one-offs, like in "Captain America #289", where M.O.D.O.K. and the Red Skull combined to become Mo-Skull.

Linkara: Mo' money, Mo-Skull.

Linkara (v/o): And thus, we have... this. The main reason why I'm not planning on doing a full review of it is because, well, it's actually okay. I mean, it's not gonna profoundly change anyone's life or something, but it's a decent enough story with a very silly, goofy premise.

(The comic opens to the first page)

Linkara (v/o): Galactus, devourer of worlds, is hungry for a meal, because the last planet he tried to consume... well, blew up before he could sprinkle salt on it. Did I mention the planet was inhabited?

Linkara: Genocide: the first sign that this a humor comic!

Linkara (v/o): Galactus comes to Earth seeking Reed Richards' help, but detects Franklin Richards instead. Long story short: he had been left with Aunt May at a circus while the Fantastic Four rushed off to San Diego with Spider-Man. Galactus attempts to turn Franklin into his new Herald, but Aunt May gets in the way, transforming into Golden Oldie. Yyyeah. So Galactus tells Golden Oldie that they have to find a planet for him to chow on... aaand here's where I explain why I'm talking about this comic here. When Franklin hears Galactus say that he hungers, he offers a counterproposal: Galactus can eat some Grosstest Twinkles!

Linkara: (rubs stomach) Mmm, my favorite, right alongside Grosstest Root Fries!

Linkara (v/o): Aaand it works! The one spongy cake starts sating his hunger a little, so he demands more, forcing Franklin and Golden Oldie to retrieve them from across the globe. And indeed, all the Twinkies– er, Twinkles in the entire world are consumed. When that task is completed, Golden Oldie leaves with Galactus to find new worlds to sate his hunger... but discovers a giant Twinkle in space. Aaand it turns out the giant Twinkle was made by... uh...

(Cut to a clip of Ghostbusters)

Dr. Ray Stantz (Dan Akroyd): It's the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man.

(Back to the comic again)

Linkara (v/o): Stay-Puft made the giant Twinkle as an offering to Galactus, whom he worships as a god. And thus, Golden Oldie suggests that he stay on as Galactus' Herald to make more confectionaries for him, and she can retire back to Earth. Buuut it turns out it was all a dream by Peter Parker – which was in turned being dreamed by all the Marvel editors. And then dreamed by Galactus. And then dreamed by the Marvel readership.

(Cut to a shot of the title for Inception)

Linkara: (upset) I take offense at this ending. On the cover, it clearly says that (A shot of some text on the cover is shown in the corner, which Linkara mentions...) this is not a hoax, a what-if, or an imaginary story! Except that since it was a dream, it was imaginary!

(Cut to a shot of a promotional comic featuring Superman)

Linkara (v/o): But yeah, that was weird. And since we've been spending all episode talking about Marvel, let's go over to Superman for our final tale. Instead of a Hostess Fruit Pie comic, we have a different promotion: Superman in "The Case of the SNAKE SHAPES"!

Linkara: Knowing the logic of the Fruit Pie comics, if this had been one, it would've been about vague silhouettes resembling snakes robbing a pet shop of all their snakes.

Linkara (v/o): But no, Superman is instead trying to hunt down the villain, Toyman. At a K-Mart.

Superman: So you spotted that arch-fiend, the Toyman here in K-Mart?

Linkara: Okay, I know that later on, Toyman got a (makes "air quotes") "grim and gritty" overhaul as a murderous child abductor, but this was 1982, long before that. He seriously just called Toyman an ("air quotes") "arch-fiend".

Linkara (v/o): The K-Mart worker says that Toyman was playing with a Magic Snake toy, and that's what we're promoting.

Clerk: I overheard him say "The perfect place! Aha!"

Linkara: (as Toyman) The perfect place to put this is... right back on the shelf.

Linkara (v/o): Superman figures that whatever shape he twisted the Magic Snake into gave him the inspiration for his hideout. All they have to do is run through all the different shapes it can turn into.

Clerk: But, Superman! The Magic Snake can be twisted into 23 trillion different shapes!

Linkara: (as clerk) But for some reason, everybody just shapes it into a penis.

Superman: 23 trillion? At super-speed, this will take a mere moment.

(The Superman logo zooms in while the movie theme plays)

Linkara (v/o): (dramatically) Superman: the Man of Steel, the Man of Tomorrow, the man who plays with a lame toy! (normal) And thus, we see Superman going through several different shapes with the thing.

Superman: Hmmm, the window shape... The question mark... The rectangular solid...

(Cut to a clip of the Rifftrax gang as they watch an old toy commercial)

Bill Corbett: (singing) It'll be fun for approximately 3.7 seconds...

(Cut back to the comic)

Linkara (v/o): However, he settles on "the globe". Uh, that's not a globe, Superman. That is a truncated cuboctahedron. Also, seriously? Twenty-three trillion possibilities, and that is the one you settled on? Toyman could have just been stream-of-consciousness-ing it; made a rectangular shape and thought of a particular building. But whatever. Somehow, this free association means that Toyman is hiding inside of the Daily Planet globe.

Toyman: It seemed like the most unlikely hide-out, Superman. How did you find me here?

Linkara: Plot convenience.

Superman: I could say a friendly little snake told me... but let's just hope you learned, Toyman, not to toy with Superman!

Linkara: Next time they fight, Toyman is gonna be playing with a Furby, and Superman is gonna be completely stumped.

(An ad for the Magic Snake is shown after the comic)

Linkara (v/o): So... yeah, there's your big K-Mart toy promotion.

Text: K-Mart has toys, games and puzzles for the entire family, including the original Magic Snake!

Linkara (v/o): Yeah, you could have promoted G.I. Joe, Tron or He-Man, but no, let's promote the Magic Snake. That'll get the kids into the stores.

Linkara: So let's remember what we've learned today, everybody: Robin will do anything Batman says, but K-Mart has fifty Twinkles to sate your hunger. But be warned, in case artichokes try to shove bees into their heads. (pauses awkwardly) I think that's what it was, I wasn't really paying attention, because next week (holds up and shakes fists excitedly) IS THE 300TH EPISODE! (a triumphant fanfare plays as Linkara quickly loses enthusiasm) And boy, is it gonna hurt. (frowns)

(End credits roll to a Hostess Fruit Pies commercial)

Woman 1: (cutting a slice of apple pie) Take care to use real apples in my apple pie.

Commercial announcer: So does Hostess.

Construction worker: (holding up a Hostess Apple Pie) Mmm, real apples.

Woman 2: (cutting a slice of chocolate cake) Caring means my chocolate cake has a creamy surprise.

Announcer: Like a Hostess Cupcake.

Girl: (holding up a Hostess Cupcake) Creamy.

Announcer: Caring means fresh, wholesome Hostess snacks are baked with the goodness of an enriched flour, skim milk, cocoa, sugar and fruit.

Woman 3: (cutting a slice of sponge cake) My sponge cake is as fresh and light...

Boy: (holding a Twinkie) ...as a Hostess Twinkie Cake!

Announcer: At Hostess, the care you take goes into all we bake.

(The commercial ends and a second Hostess commercial begins)

Female singer:

Oh, what a sweet sensation
Mmm, Hostesses is gonna be
Such a luscious filling
For a sweet sensation
Oh, Hostess is this extra (?)
With a fruity Fruit Pie
Apple!
That I'm dreaming of
Berry!
This is Hostess!
Cherry!
I'm in love!

Soggies may rule.

I wonder what Captain Crunch is the Captain OF.

Actually, one more question on that point – does this mean that Captain Crunch is part of the Marvel Universe like so many other licensed books?

Female Hostess announcer: And with Hostess Twinkies Cakes and Cupcakes, too.

Female singer: Oh, Hostess for the sweet sensation!

(The Super Dictionary entry on "Fifty" is shown again)

Linkara (v/o): (as Batman) Bees. My God.

(end)

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